Tag: Divorce

Let’s Talk To Shaan

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 162: My name is Shaan

DBM: Hi Shaan. How would you describe yourself?

Shaan: A phoenix rising from the ashes.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Shaan: I am 8 times happier today

DBM: I usually should be asking ‘What do you want to talk about?’ at this point. On the 2nd of December, 2021, you sent a message to me via Facebook messenger to be posted on my platform for opinions.

‘Dave, quick one. I picked my wife’s phone to make a call. I had low battery. There was an unread message from a guy. My wife had saved his name with a lady’s name. I wasn’t going to open it but because of the nature of the message, I had to read their conversations. The unread message on her screen was,

‘I will do anything for you, sweetie’

Dave, I know a woman can send such message but my instincts were telling me to confirm the gender from their chat. They had a long history chat, and calls. I discovered something that shocked me, and it was from their interactions last year – when my daughter was born. When my wife was in the labor ward, I was leading a presentation for our company. In fact, when my wife forwarded the picture of my daughter to me on WhatsApp, I was about to give a speech at the meeting. I was so excited, I had to announce to everyone I had a daughter.

I used FORWARDED because she originally had uploaded the picture to this man, with the caption, ‘our baby girl’. I took my phone to scroll to see the time she forwarded the same picture to me after sending it to him. 45 minutes. I was an afterthought. My daughter’s middle name is a name he suggested in their chat. My wife added the name to my girl’s name. There was no other suspicious language, but I realized from her call history, they call themselves a lot. A whole lot. They talk for hours and hours.’

Shaan: Yes, I remember

DBM: Did you read all the comments after the post?

Shaan: I did. That was a while ago

DBM: Great! Because my attention has been drawn to the post again, and people are asking for an update

Shaan: A lot has happened since I last talked to you about it. I am no longer with the woman. We had to agree to go our separate ways

DBM: What really happened?

Shaan: Aside making out with the guy I thought could also be my daughter’s father, Boom! News flash: we both weren’t.

DBM: As in?

Shaan: We were not the child’s biological fathers. You know women, even after the DNA test had clearly stated that the child wasn’t ours, she was denying messing around my back. She cried, bringing down the whole nine yards.

DBM: Do you know who the father of your daughter is?

Shaan: Yes. She eventually admitted to having a short fling with her boss’s boss. Dave, it’s all in the past now. I’ve moved on

DBM: I am terribly sorry about what you had to endure

Shaan: It’s in the past bro

DBM: What’s your relationship like with your daughter?

Shaan: She’s not my daughter bro

DBM: And you honestly believe you’re incapable of loving a kid that is not genetically linked to you?

Shaan: Not a child given to me under false pretense.

DBM: Where is your ex-wife now?

Shaan: I don’t know. I don’t care

DBM: Do you mind me asking how long you were married to her?

Shaan: Boss, I don’t want to talk about anything related to that past. I’ve moved on

DBM: I will respect that.

Shaan: Thanks

DBM: What have you been up to since?

Shaan: I’ve been busy paying attention to what inspires me and makes my heart sing. And have been discovering these new things about myself that aligns with my purpose.

DBM: That’s good to know.

Shaan: Yeah, bro

DBM: Do you see yourself giving you permission to fall in love again?

Shaan: Of course. My ex-wife wasn’t the only means through which I could have had my hopes and expectations for a relationship fulfilled. Just because she couldn’t fulfil them, doesn’t mean any and all hopes for a love relationship are over.

DBM: That’s true

Shaan: Yeah!

DBM: What is the one lesson you think you’ve learned from your unfortunate past?

Shaan: Anyone can let you down, especially those who make you believe they love you passionately, compassionately; those who make you believe you can rely on, and trust them wholeheartedly… they are the ones who can kill the love you have for them with their secrets.

DBM: But there are also those who genuinely can love passionately, compassionately, and are reliable and trustworthy

Shaan: I don’t doubt that. It probably was for the best that we ended things. I wasn’t fulfilling all of her needs. She wanted more in her life at a fast pace, but unfortunately, I couldn’t catch up. I didn’t have a good paying job to make her life comfortable.

DBM: Prior to marriage, you had both disclosed your full financial circumstances to each other, no?

Shaan: I did, but I also created a false impression to her, which I regret.

DBM: What did you promise her?

Shaan: A comfortable life, a good life.

DBM: You think you failed her?

Shaan: I think I let myself down.

DBM: Should a man make money by all means – if he has dreams of making a family of his own?

Shaan: From my experience, the one major issue at the center of marital contention has nothing to do with sex, or even the kids. It has everything to do with money

DBM: Are you dating?

Shaan: I am not dating, but I fuck every now and then

DBM: And, does the ‘every now and then’ fulfill you?

Shaan: My prostate gland and seminal vesicles are always producing semen. I need an avenue to be releasing them regularly

DBM: Participant 161, Hilda, left a question for you: ‘Do you prefer a thoughtful balance of invigorating honesty, or a lenient little white lie would suffice?’

Shaan: A lenient little white lie would suffice

DBM: Why is that?

Shaan: From my experience, the truth was very hurtful. At this point in my life, I care about whether you have good intentions around me, and not whether you’re being honest with me

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Shaan: Has life presented you with a challenge that has left you just hanging on?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

Let’s Talk To Wafaa and Oz

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 143a: Wafaa

Participant 143b: I want to go by Oz

DBM: Hello Wafaa and Oz. How would you describe yourselves?

Wafaa: Not my happy self

Oz: Husband and father

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Oz: 5

Wafaa: 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wafaa: I’ve asked my husband for a divorce but he’s not for it. My lawyer says I cannot unilaterally divorce him unless he grants me his consent for the divorce.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Wafaa: We were 10 years in May

DBM: Sir, is this an out of the blue request from your wife?

Oz: No, I sensed it coming

DBM: How long ago?

Oz: About three years

DBM: Why do you want a divorce?

Wafaa: I think we’re both done with each other. Our marriage has been over since 2018. We don’t hate each other. We are actually good friends and will be wonderful co-parents.

DBM: Why don’t you want a divorce?

Oz: I have been suggesting we rather stay separated than divorced, at least, until our children are of age and leave home.

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Wafaa: Two

Oz: 5- and 7-year-olds

DBM: Separation is ideal, no?

Wafaa: Separation will feel like I am still settled in the marriage. I want to be totally single so I can date someone nice. My husband is attracted to me. I don’t want to give him any false hope.

DBM: Are you attracted to your wife?

Oz: Yes

DBM: Do you find your husband attractive?

Wafaa: He’s a fine man by all standards but no, I am not attracted to him in that way anymore

DBM: What kind of relationship are you hoping to pursue after your divorce?

Wafaa: A man I can be passionate about in every other way outside settling

DBM: As in, marriage?

Wafaa: Yes, and the whole living together thing. I want a relationship whereby we can meet up and have fun, and then go to our respective homes.

Oz: You can have that with me – if that’s what you’re looking for?

Wafaa: I am not in love with you anymore

DBM: How did it get to this?

Wafaa: It just happened. 10 years of trying. We’ve done our best.

DBM: What if your best combined is still not enough?

Wafaa: That’s the reason I want a divorce. Enough is enough! Dave, it came to a time at the mere sight of him, I wanted to report to work indefinitely on a weekend. And, I don’t go to work on weekends.

DBM: Was there a specific rough patch that happened in your marriage or there has been a persistent problem not dealt with?

Oz: I know we are cool and relate well. I don’t hate my wife

Wafaa: I don’t hate my husband

DBM: Is there respect in your relationship?

Wafaa: I respect my husband

Oz: I respect her

DBM: Are you able to freely talk about difficult issues in the marriage?

Oz: Yes

Wafaa: We talk about everything

DBM: So, what is making you want out of your marriage?

Wafaa: The love is no more

DBM: And is love alone what you believe can help you stick to your husband?

Wafaa: No

DBM: Prior to 2018, what had been sustaining your marriage?

Wafaa: Self-control, my commitment to him and emotional maturity

DBM: Is your husband the type willing to make an effort at your relationship?

Wafaa: Yes

DBM: How do you understand love?

Wafaa: How do you also understand love?

DBM: Hmmm!

Oz: Dave

DBM: Yeah

Oz: How old are you?

DBM: 38, you?

Oz: 45

DBM: How old is your wife?

Oz: 42

Wafaa: I will be 43 years in September

Oz: Are you in a relationship?

DBM: I am

Oz: For how long?

DBM: Some years now

Wafaa: Why are you asking the young man personal questions?

Oz: I want to know what is making his relationship work. Are you always in love in your relationship?

DBM: No

Oz: What do you do when the love is no more?

DBM: I’ve realized that as a human being, I can fall in love with anyone, and it will take me no real effort to catch such feelings. I cherish what I have with my partner, reason why my relationship isn’t being built on what we feel or felt for each other. It’s taken us more than just love to stay interested in one another. When love is present to you when you need it the most, it’s expedient and saccharine to want to fall on just that.

Oz: Truth

DBM: When my love for my love is no more, it becomes my responsibility to make what we share meaningful to me in other ways. It’s never the responsibility of love to make me fall in love with love. Love is not all about what I feel for someone. You asked what love means to me; love is not about being in a relationship that loves me back. Love is not about being with someone, and then waiting for that magical feeling to happen to me to make things look perfect. It’s work, intentional communication and the both of us putting in the effort.

Wafaa: But I want more. Is it wrong to want more

Oz: ‘More’ meaning?

Wafaa: More than you. More than you can offer me at the moment

DBM: Do think you can find all that ‘more’ in one person?

Wafaa: No

Oz: Yes

DBM: Sir, is your wife the only woman you’ve been with since you married?

Oz: No

Wafaa: No? Who else have you been with?

Oz: It’s all in the past.

Wafaa: No! This is news to me. You’ve been with other women?

Oz: I made bad decisions and learned from them

Wafaa: How many women have you been with?

Oz: Let’s not do this here, please

Wafaa: Oh wow! You’ve been cheating all this while?

Oz: I’m sorry

Wafaa: You’re sorry? Which people did you have the affairs with?

Oz: I don’t want to talk about this here

Wafaa: How long did it last?

Oz: It happened in the past

Wafaa: When?

Oz: It’s past

Wafaa: Where did it take place?

Oz: We’re not doing this here

Wafaa: Did you love them?

Oz: No!

Wafaa: And here I was cherishing the promise of fidelity. Men will stain your white

Oz: I’m sorry it happened but it’s over

Wafaa: I don’t give a fuck

DBM: Committing to one person is not an easy thing to do, especially when there are extremely beautiful and handsome, sexy and intelligent other people out there seeking our attention and grace. Some of us have had to develop ourselves emotionally to be able to stick to/with just the one we believe we can be content with.

Wafaa: I used to think like that too. Anyway, as I said before, I AM DONE

DBM: Participant 142, Uriel, left a question for you: ‘If you could trust the fact that I wouldn’t judge you, what would be the one secret you would want to tell me?’

Oz: I cheated on my wife

Wafaa: I cannot see myself riding through this wave of mixed feelings with the little confidence left in me. I do not love my husband anymore. I want a divorce

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Wafaa: I’m out of here

Oz: What are you looking forward to the most in your old age?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Bolarinwa Olasunkanmi

Let’s Talk To Emmett

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 139: Emmett

DBM: Hello Emmett. How would you describe yourself?

Emmett: Competent

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Emmett: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Emmett: I did not show up at my own wedding. I hadn’t planned to do this but it happened, and a part of me till this day regret what I did to my woman and her family. Even my own family. It’s been 10 months since it happened and I want to get married to my fiancée all over again. I made a bad call and have apologized to her, but her family is not willing to let go.

DBM: Your fiancée has forgiven you?

Emmett: Not really but she’s admitted to still being in love with me

DBM: Why did you not show at your wedding?

Emmett: It’s a long story

DBM: I have time

Emmett: She had dated my cousin prior to us meeting. I found out about it the morning of our wedding. My cousin’s girlfriend had come across a conversation between them and it seemed like my cousin still is into her. She sent me screenshots and I blew the whole issue out of proportion. I should have confronted my woman but … Also, I considered going ahead with the wedding and then, divorcing her the next day or just sticking it out. But I couldn’t control my anger and tears. I asked my Best Man on our way to the church to pull over just so I could cry. I couldn’t go ahead with the wedding

DBM: Has she any feelings for your cousin?

Emmett: No

DBM: Why didn’t she tell you about him?

Emmett: She didn’t know we were related until a few days to our wedding

DBM: Do you know why they broke up?

Emmett: He had gotten a different woman pregnant

DBM: Do you trust your girlfriend?

Emmett: Yes

DBM: How do you understand love?

Emmett: Not putting expectations on the one I care about dearly. Not assuming I know all there is to her. Not trying to change her into someone she’s not.

DBM: What was your relationship with her like?

Emmett: It was good, peaceful, committed, with a lot of compromise. We used to forgive each other freely. There was a lot of fun and laughter and happiness. We both made the effort. The feeling was great, energized and motivated by pure intentions. We had sex three times a week, and that made me very happy

DBM: What was your state of mind like, when you asked her to marry you?

Emmett: We had talked about settling down in marriage. We were excited about it and looking forward to making our relationship official. I was in a good place with us and myself, most importantly, when I proposed. I experienced what it meant to be a happy man because of her

DBM: How would you describe her character?

Emmett: She’s a better human being than I am

DBM: Have you spoken to your cousin?

Emmett: I have

DBM: What did he say?

Emmett: He explained why my woman ended things between them

DBM: He’s still into her?

Emmett: Yes

DBM: How does this make you feel?

Emmett: He told me, ‘May the better man win her over again’

DBM: Meaning?

Emmett: He’s broken up with his girlfriend to chase after my woman

DBM: Your family, how did they react to your decision?

Emmett: I don’t know how they feel about what happened but my mother still wants me to marry my woman. She believes she’s the one meant for me

DBM: Is she?

Emmett: She’s the woman for me, and the best relationship I’ve ever had. And it’s not because I want her for myself; what we share is about something way bigger; a beautiful life we can create together. Any man to be loved by her should count themselves, lucky

DBM: How did she react after what you did?

Emmett: She did not talk to me for weeks

DBM: Do you understand why her family wants nothing to do with you?

Emmett: Yes, but I will keep apologizing to them till they find it in themselves to forgive me

DBM: How did you two first meet?

Emmett: I met her in court. She had accompanied my client, her friend to her divorce proceeding. The client introduced us after her divorce hearing, and I think was trying to hook me up with her.

DBM: You’re a lawyer?

Emmett: I am

DBM: Can I ask a question or two, unrelated to our chat?

Emmett: Yes

DBM: Do most divorcing clients opt for your services with the intention of keeping their divorce proceedings cordial?

Emmett: Majority of my clients do hope for an amicable process with their spouse. But a large percentage of them come to me tremendously hurt at heart and emotionally triggered. I offer two approaches when it comes to the termination of a marriage, and the client achieving his or her expected results: the HARD way or the EASY way

DBM: To what extent are you willing to go to keep your client satisfied?

Emmett: Clients hire me specifically to do a job. I am therefore, required to legally and ethically do my job to the best of my ability – with just one goal in mind, accomplishing the expectations entrusted by the client.

DBM: If you’re to advise anyone considering a divorce, what would you say to them?

Emmett: What you are considering may be entirely different from what you’d eventually decide to do. Understand the divorce process by talking to people who have been through it; read online to have an idea about it. You need to have money saved to embark on this journey. Be mindful of what you say to the people around you. If you have children, know it’s going to impact them one way or the other. Be certain there is no love left in you for the other party. Divorce is just another phase of life. Life goes on, and you can love again afterwards. Just be patient and kind with yourself. Be interested in knowing how your attorney thinks, be interested in their behavior. You can choose to like or not, your attorney. But you have to trust and be confident in their services.

DBM: Participant 138, Hera, left a question for you: ‘You are being given the chance to make your one wish come true, what would it be?’

Emmett: To marry my fiancée and make peace with her family. She did nothing wrong. I made the decision not to wed because I wasn’t ready to forgive or know the truth. That also made me realize I wasn’t ready to be a husband.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Emmett: Has something ever started out badly for you but in the end, was great?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Dellon Thomas

Let’s Talk To Chibueze

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 135: Chibueze

DBM: Hello Chibueze. How would you describe yourself?

Chibueze: Married but single

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Chibueze: A good 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Chibueze: We had been married for 10 years when my husband decided to leave me and the children. It happened quite suddenly, and he had made it clear to his parents, uncles and mine that there was no guarantee that he would return to me. To me, and the rest of the world I had the ‘perfect’ marriage, that when my husband told me he had fallen out of love with me – there were no warning signs with the size of a billboard clearly perceptible from a distance that rainy afternoon. It took me by surprise, Dave. In fact, he was the one always busy with work and life and had taken me and the children for granted.

DBM: Do you work?

Chibueze: I am an Associate Professor

DBM: Okay!

Chibueze: I will not downplay his responsibilities towards the children; he’s been providing for their every need. He was just not home enough to spend time with them. I, on the other hand wasn’t his priority after our 5th year in marriage. I realized it, and before coming to terms with it, was the spouse doing almost all of the giving, pleasing and compromising without getting anything back. On our 8th year of marriage, my well ultimately run dry and couldn’t put in as much effort to make our marriage what it used to be. My focus now was on my children and my own needs.

DBM: I can understand you. It’s very easy to see checkmate when I am not the one playing the game.

Chibueze: You play chess?

DBM: I have a fair idea of the game

Chibueze: Okay! And you’re right. I got scared of failing my children, that was why I made the decision to commit every breathing second of the past years immersed with my husband, even though he wasn’t showing any enthusiasm on his part to make our relationship a priority. I wanted him to want our marriage so bad that I actually forgot how to even love myself. He would only pretend to care about me when he wanted sex. My nine-year old daughter once said to me, ‘Mummy, I know daddy loves me and Joshua, but I don’t think he loves you like the way he loves us.’

DBM: Oh mine!

Chibueze: Yes, even my first child had noticed the friendship between her parents was gone

DBM: Or perhaps, was never even there to begin with?

Chibueze: Uhm, it was there in the beginning

DBM: Okay!

Chibueze: Or maybe not. You can never tell these things accurately. Dave, I held on for so long with the hope of him coming to his senses but he left the house for work, two years ago, and never returned to us. The children made me aware he was visiting them at school and would sometimes, take them along for the weekends and holidays. It was also through the children that I got to find out he was living with another lady, and that, they had a baby sister.

DBM: Hmmm! A friend of mine went through a similar ordeal. This is actually very familiar to me

Chibueze: How did she manage?

DBM: Oh, she’s doing way better in life now as a single mother than she was as a married woman. Sometimes, it’s just not worth it to be holding on to foolishness for foolishness’ sake

Chibueze: My husband wants to come back

DBM: Come back to what?

Chibueze: Me and the children

DBM: What did you do after finding out he has a child with another woman?

Chibueze: Nothing. Unfortunately, I had checked out of the whole being attentive to, and involved with him phase.

DBM: When I’m offering my very best and it’s still not enough, then you’re the wrong person I’m probably giving my all to.

Chibueze: That was the point I reached.

DBM: I’m interested in what’s actually changed for him

Chibueze: I haven’t asked. His family went to my family to plead on his behalf

DBM: What did his family do when they found out he’s moved in with another woman?

Chibueze: I didn’t tell them anything

DBM: But they knew, no?

Chibueze: They probably did

DBM: Do you want him back?

Chibueze: I started to chat with a guy last year and he’s expressed interest in me. I like him. I think I’m falling in love with him

DBM: What are you going to do?

Chibueze: I’ve been speaking with my lawyer and he thinks I can walk away from the marriage. My only concern is with the children. They didn’t ask for all this

DBM:  Will the kids have to change schools if you divorce?

Chibueze: Not really. No!

DBM: Will their relationship with you and their father be affected in any way?

Chibueze: No!

DBM: Can you and your husband be pleasant and accommodating when it comes to transitioning into the role of co-parenting?

Chibueze: Yes. The kids’ best interest will be at the front of every decision we’d take

DBM: Your children will be fine.

Chibueze: Hmmm!

DBM: Participant 134, Quinton, left a question for you: ‘Where lies your belief, God, luck or numerology?’

Chibueze: My personal belief is in God. Of course, I’ve also had doubts about His existence, but when I think of all the things/mysteries I’ve come to intuitively know and understand, which ordinarily, should be beyond my logical reasoning, my hope in things to come – which never seems to die, the extent at which my heart can love, there can only be a living God behind it all. I don’t think God is a math equation to be solved. God cannot be as a result of a conducted test. I just choose to have so much respect for God.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Chibueze: If you had to be in a long-term relationship for two years without your spouse’s physical presence, would you remain faithful?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Valdans Media

Let’s Talk To Ursula

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 96: Ursula

DBM: Hello Ursula. How would you describe yourself?

Ursula: Trying to contain water in a paper bag

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ursula: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ursula: My husband took me out to dinner on my birthday, and after the cake and presents, he asked for a divorce. He did it in the presence of a man we both respect and trust. I should have known something was off because I did not understand why it was just the three of us without the children.

DBM: Did you see this coming?

Ursula: Not at all, because we have a beautiful relationship. I agree that the time we get to spend alone together is sometimes, inadequate. This is mainly because we both have got demanding jobs to do, we have a home to run and two children to raise.

DBM: This is tough.

Ursula: On our way back home, I asked what was going on with him and he said, ‘it’s for your own good.’ If it’s for my own good, tell me what the problem is so I determine whether or not it’s in my best interest. He went silent on me and just drove the car.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Ursula: I will not accept a divorce

DBM: You know he is not asking for a divorce, right? He is explicitly telling you that a divorce is going to happen, whether or not you like it. He does not need your permission.

Ursula: This is so unfair. I have done nothing wrong to him. Why should he start the legal process without giving me an explanation?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ursula: 19 years

DBM: How old are the kids?

Ursula: They are both teenagers

DBM: Hmmm!

Ursula: I am so angry and extremely upset

DBM: At this point, you have no choice but to allow his decision to sink in, while respecting it. You need to renew your mind and heart, and give yourself some time to grieve

Ursula: I am shocked, but I know that lost love can be salvaged

DBM: He said he doesn’t love you anymore?

Ursula: He has not given his reasons. Dave, we were having frequent sex; enjoyable sex. He knows that I am willing to do anything he wants for our marriage to be successful. I will do anything for him to be happy

DBM: Sometimes, very little can be done to keep or lose a man

Ursula: I want my marriage to continue

DBM: The man he brought along to your birth-date dinner, what was his take on your husband’s decision?

Ursula: He kept telling me it was for my own good. He also said my husband isn’t happy in the marriage, which I do not believe. They’ve been talking behind me, but I know my husband loves me. Something is just off. Assuming he is even unhappy, does it have to end in divorce? I am willing to save my marriage

DBM: I admire your desire

Ursula: He will come around

DBM: I hope he does

Ursula: We met on a flight to London. My seat was next to his. He was by the window and I wanted to sit by the window so bad, I couldn’t stop wishing in my head we made an exchange. Before we took off, he asked if I wouldn’t mind exchanging seats with him. Those were his first words to me, and they met a need. I asked his name, told him mine and then, started to talk. Before landing in London, I was sure where I stood with him. He did not shy away from discussing his interest in me. We were both single.

DBM: What happened in London?

Ursula: He was there to work. I was there to school. We went on several dates and enjoyed being with each other. It was a satisfying relationship because we weren’t putting in so much effort to make a relationship happen. We were just happy together as friends who liked each other. Easy-fun-friendly love affair; something like that. Two years on, it dawned on me, out of the blue, that he has been the only man in my life who was sensitive to my needs and feelings.

DBM: Explain his sensitivity to your needs and feelings

Ursula: He ensured I was well taken care of while in school. He was happy whenever I was happy. I could be my true, authentic self around him and not fret about acceptance. His energy was positive, and so was his support for me. We had a strong friendship then and now. Him as a boyfriend then spent all his free time with me. My husband spends all his free time with me. Dave, imagine having someone in your life whose sole purpose is to make everything more pleasant and enjoyable when they’re around you. That is the kind of man asking me for a divorce. I can’t, I won’t.

DBM: You need to be the mature one to show him kindness and a loving memory of you. Because at the moment, you’re the only one interested in the marriage. Refusing to understand why he wants out wouldn’t make him fall in love with you any quicker.

Ursula: I still don’t know why he wants a divorce. That’s why I am anxious and mad as hell. What would you have done differently?

DBM: I don’t know; but I am naturally a calm person, so I am certain I would be calm about it.

Ursula: Even without an explanation?

DBM: Even without an explanation – I know I will give him space

Ursula: Why would you give him space?

DBM: Distance can also make the heart grow fonder. I know, it’s cliché but it does quiet when things tend to feel out of control in life

Ursula: What if giving him space gives him room to be with another woman?

DBM: I will still put up a front and go about my normal routine. Don’t beg him; don’t yell at him. Do not give him attitude nor chase after him. Let him be while you put the spotlight on you. Look good, feel good, make yourself happy and alive till he notices you or at best, starts to miss you

Ursula: What if he doesn’t notice me?

DBM: If he doesn’t, then at least you would have noticed your own efforts in handling yourself the best way possible

Ursula: I can never understand you men. Do you guys even know what you want?

DBM: Your husband knows what he wants at this time in his life. A man’s needs changes as he grows, while his relationship evolves. What a man needs today may not be what he wants tomorrow.

Ursula: Same with women, Dave

DBM: I know

Ursula: I don’t know if you understand how much I love my husband?

DBM: I believe you love you husband, and it’s a good thing. However, do not lose yourself in the process of wanting him in your life, so-much-so that you forget you are equally an amazing woman worth keeping by someone who actually wants to be with you.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

 

Let’s Talk To Alexa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

This phone interview was engineered by the mother of Alexa. She wanted me to have a conversation with her daughter to know her mind. Alexa’s mother’s first husband was Pop. The union produced Joey and Toni. Her second marriage was to Alexa’s father, Nigel. Now, she’s divorced and engaged to her third guy, Charles. This phone interview between David Bondze-Mbir and Alexa was recorded, and has been transcribed verbatim for publication.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 81: I would say Alexa

DBM: Hi Alexa. How would you describe yourself?

Alexa: Kind, smart and a polite child

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Alexa: Errrm, probably 7 😀 Please don’t ask me why; I have no idea.

DBM: So, how would you describe your mum?

Alexa: Kind, respectful; I’m trying to figure out a word for someone who ‘stands out’ but I have no words – vibrant.

DBM: Oh my! Hehehe. How about your dad, how would you describe him?

Alexa: Errrm, strong; what’s like a word for like always working hard? Hardworking, busy… he’s very busy. Sometimes I feel bad to think he has anger issues. He’s like a shadow; he doesn’t like standing out like my mum

DBM: Tell me a little about your sisters

Alexa: Well… well. Hehehe. I was waiting for that. It’s going to take me a long time. Errrm, Joey, she’s sometimes bossy. And, she likes to run a lot, so I’d say sometimes energetic but she really does not like to take photos, neither does Toni. Errm, Toni, she’s strong. Joey is also strong, but she’s strong and … I’m thinking of words: polite to other people. And, she’s mean to me. Errm, yeah! But she’s sometimes kind to me.

DBM: Do you believe your parents love you?

Alexa: Well, yes. And, I really like remember, I think it was last night, I’m not sure. Last night or the night before, I said that my mommy likes Charles more than me. And now I know that mommy can’t love anyone else more than us. She can love someone else but not more than us. I know that my daddy loves me. Just that sometimes I think he doesn’t when he’s shouting at me. Pops I think loves me too. No one is leaving me

DBM: Have any of your friends’ parent gotten a divorce?

Alexa: Hehehe. Yes! Errm, Corey. Err Corey, she’s… Yeah, so her parents have gotten a divorce. They’re actually divorced and her mum is going out with another person. And she doesn’t call him dad. She calls her first dad, dad. I feel sad that my parents are getting a divorce because I don’t want them to split up. I fear that someday, my daddy will just leave us and I won’t see him. But my parents have promised me that we are all going to be staying together as one family.

DBM: Have you had nightmares about what’s going on between your parents?

Alexa: Nah, I haven’t had nightmares. Because I’m not that scared of it. But I feel I will in the future because I have heard other children do have nightmares after their parents’ divorce.

DBM: Will you let both parents know any time you get hurt at the thought of them not being together?

Alexa: Yes, because I know that mummy can fix it; mummy or daddy will help me when I am upset.

DBM: When you grow up, how would you want to see your own family? As in, your idea of the kind of family you would want to have when you grow up?

Alexa: I want to be rich. And I want to be famous, but I consider my family in future to be a very happy family; all of us living together happily, nothing sad. Sometimes arguing, because I know we will sometimes argue but we will have a good resolve, I know. Hehehe. Because me and my family have a lot of differences. But we are still family, no matter what.

DBM: Okay, that’s cool. How do you think your siblings are taking this whole decision your parents have made? Do you think they understand why mommy is no longer with your dad, and why she feels she’s happier now with someone else? Do you kids understand what is really going on? Has mom and dad sat you all down to explain what is going on, and why they feel they have to make such a decision?

Alexa: Errrm, that’s a lot of things you just asked. I understand it. I am not sure if my other sisters understand. I am pretty sure Joey understands it, but I will tell you one thing; I already knew about it before mommy told me. I was literally on her iPad doing my thing, and then I just wanted to look at some pictures of mommy. So, I went over to the photos, and I saw a letter, a Valentine card. And it said… errrm, I forgot. But then a few days later, I saw a picture of mommy and Charles, talking to each other. So, I was like, ‘hmmmm! I smell something fishy’. Hehehe. So then, I went to tell Toni. I told her, ‘I think mommy is going to marry a different man.’ When we figured out that she was going to divorce my father, errrm, Toni was like, ‘what the hell!’ I was correct. As in, I’ve never been correct in my whole entire life. It really was going to happen after all, and that was just a miracle to her. My sister was very surprised that I guessed right. And, I think my daddy was also thinking of someone else after their divorce; because when I am watching him, especially when he was with my mother, he was texting someone else. It was a girl. And they were exchanging love-heart emojis between themselves.

DBM: Wow! That’s very interesting. Okay, so if you could tell your mom and dad one thing, what would it be?

Alexa: Errrm, I’d say to daddy, I feel you are very jealous of Charles. And I’ve also noticed that he’s sad about it like I am, but it’s the best for mommy. Because if my mommy stays with my dad, she would be sad and probably, not happy. That will also not make daddy happy. And to my mommy, I’d say, ‘why did you make this decision?’Arrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhh! ‘Why did you make this decision?’ I am not saying mommy should leave Charles and go back to my daddy, but she can. Anyways, I am pretty sure that as long as we all stay happy, I am okay. Because I am happy. Yeah! I am okay that she’s in love with someone else, but I would prefer mommy and daddy not getting a divorce. If I had a magic wand, I would figure out a way to make everyone else happy. But I would try to figure out how to make the three of us, me, mommy and daddy very happy. I am not as happy as I was before their divorce. I know my daddy is not as happy as he was before the divorce. But my mommy is definitely happy. She likes Charles very much. She talks to him every single day. She likes talking to him. Is that obsession?

DBM: Lol! Please clarify this for me; do you understand the fact that because your mom and dad want to be happy, they cannot be together?

Alexa: Errrm, yes, I do understand. Mommy made the decision. I don’t know why daddy agreed to it. Errrm, I feel very disappointed in them. Especially in my dad for agreeing to a divorce. Bla… bla… bla. I know mom would not have been happy, but I can make her happy. Well, I cannot be her husband. But I don’t think she even needs a husband to be happy. It’s literally like saying, a woman needs money to be happy.

DBM: Thank you Alexa. How old are you?

Alexa: I am eight. I hope we would do this again, because it was really fun. I think mommy is now going to ask me a million questions. But thank you. I also want to say, I wish my middle sister, Toni loves me more, or show that she loves me more. Mummy keeps insisting Toni loves me very much but she does not always behave like she loves me.

Image Credit: Monstera

Let’s Talk To Antobam

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 51: The name is Antobam

DBM: Hello Antobam. How would you describe yourself?

Antobam: A mother of four, capable of supporting myself and my family. Been divorced since May, 2022, and at my age, I don’t think I need to be relying on any man or even society for validation.

DBM: May I know your age, please?

Antobam: 46

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Antobam: My divorce

DBM: How long were you married?

Antobam: 19 years

DBM: Wow! That’s a lot of years

Antobam: The first five years were good, but from the sixth to the nineteenth year, I wanted to end the marriage – even though I didn’t believe in divorce. My ex-husband doesn’t believe in divorce

DBM: Interesting

Antobam: Yes! We’re actually very happily divorced, if there is anything like that

DBM: Explain

Antobam: Love couldn’t conquer it all in our situation, because we both had other needs that weren’t being met. My ex-husband loved me like no other; I loved him dearly, however, our priorities had different angles and twists to it; we viewed and understood love differently

DBM: How so?

Antobam: I wouldn’t know how to explain it: I wanted more. I see myself as a leader, and since my early years, I have taken charge of situations. My strength is quiet and reserved but it shines through at the end of the day. I make and take calculated risks, so once I am convinced about something, I am not scared to pursue it.

DBM: Was marriage not something you were enthused about?

Antobam: I dreamed of being in love, being loved, wedded and married. I dreamed of having children and raising them together with my husband. All these, I accomplished. I however forgot to dream about finding happiness with all these combined

DBM: You weren’t happily married?

Antobam: I was. I mean I was married to a great guy. But only for the first five years. My marriage reached its expiration date on the sixth year, and I knew I had to pack it all in but I couldn’t.

DBM: Why not?

Antobam: I was pregnant with our third child. Then I had the fourth. We wanted to raise the children in a family unit

DBM: Did your husband know you wanted out?

Antobam: I told him two weeks before finding out about our third pregnancy.

DBM: How did he feel?

Antobam: He said he felt he was also trying so hard to make our marriage work, which shouldn’t have been the case. A healthy marriage shouldn’t feel like ‘work’, though it’s work. We weren’t passionate about one another or the marriage; I wasn’t infatuated about my ex-husband; he did not excite me or my thoughts… I could not feel myself changing for the better

DBM: Well, that can be understood because it’s no longer ‘new’. You had both become familiar with each other, no? I wouldn’t expect a ‘sparkly’ feeling at this stage

Antobam: It wasn’t just about feelings. I lost myself and couldn’t see my life from a distance. I could not pinpoint exactly what our marriage was working toward. I have a very busy schedule at work, and trust me, my job doesn’t paralyze me.

DBM: Is that how you felt about your marriage?

Antobam: Yes! Dave, when you are excited about your marriage, and something about it isn’t living up to the standards you both set, you feel disappointed and frustrated. If the parties involved want the relationship so bad, you will be committed to doing something to be better than you used to be – in order to bring it up there to your smoothness level.

DBM: I concur

Antobam: I didn’t want to go through all that struggle.

DBM: How about your husband?

Antobam: It was too much work and a pain in his ass to push in so much effort. It got to a point, I found no interest in talking to anyone about my marriage. He is the type that is concerned about the opinions of others, and so he did his best putting up a front of the ‘happily’ married man.

DBM: In your opinion, a good marriage looks like what?

Antobam: It should look and feel like this task or job you’ve decided to do. Deep down you know it isn’t the easiest project to take on, yet it doesn’t feel so challenging to the extent that – you’re unable to do it right. Marriage is good when you feel your partner doesn’t overwhelm you with so much. He or she is just right for you, even after the bullshit.

DBM: Whereby ‘bullshit’ means?

Antobam: Anything they’re doing, or the relationship is presenting to you – which you can’t tolerate. When the marriage is good, you see the good in your partner, especially on the days they’re not of their best behavior. Nothing they do blows you away negatively.

DBM: I am learning something today

Antobam: I would not have divorced my husband, if I admired him for who he is. It’s unfortunate, but I couldn’t find myself admiring him from a place of happiness. You’re happy from a place of admiration if the piece of work smells and looks like something you’re proud of, because you contributed to its success.

DBM: I so get your point.

Antobam: Great!

DBM: Do you feel like you’ve failed at marriage?

Antobam: This was an experience for me, Dave, and I learned a thing or two from it. I can confidently say that, I can choose to open myself up to the likelihood of love again. But most importantly, I have the strength to guard my heart by walking away from unhappiness.

DBM: How does he feel about everything?

Antobam: He respects my decision to not stay married. He’s forgiven me, I have forgiven him and forgiven myself for letting our children down. He’s happy. He’s dating a very nice woman, and he smiles a lot lately

DBM: How do you feel about everything?

Antobam: Divorce isn’t always a bad idea. I can say mine has offered me a fresh start and opened a beautiful door, which is also leading me to a much better future

DBM: How is your relationship with him like?

Antobam: Awesome. As I said earlier, my ex-husband is a good man, and we both played a role in the end of our marriage. We know that it takes two to either break or make a marriage work. We want to maintain our friendship and be the best parents for our children, because we’re going to be in each other’s lives for the longest time, co-parenting.

DBM: And the children?

Antobam: They understand what’s going on, and we have explained why we can’t be married to them. We have also made them understand that, they are our key lens, and the most important basis and platform from which we would make every decision. It’s always going to be about what is best for them.

DBM: I think I like you

Antobam: Lol! I like you too, David. As it stands now, you’re the only person to get me to open up this easily. You’re doing a great job with your Facebook. Also, thank you for the exceptional live performance you shared on Facebook this Tuesday. I couldn’t stop myself from watching you sing that song.  It was so powerful.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Uriel Mont

 

Let’s Talk To Madina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 37: Madina

DBM: Hello Madina. Please tell me a little about yourself

Madina: You’re looking at a strong-willed, opinionated and articulate 45-year woman who still feels traumatized about her periods, but is a valuable member of society.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Madina: I think a lot of our ladies are not self-aware, thus, they’re not able to learn about who they are, what they want, and what they deserve.

DBM: Why do you think that is so?

Madina: They’ve probably forgotten they’ve got only one life to live on this earth. A woman right now is allowing someone to make her feel inadequate. A woman is allowing someone right now to bring down her mood and cause her so much pain, stress and discomfort. A woman is right now allowing someone to dish out to her their definition of the kind of attention, care and love they think she deserves. A woman at this very moment doesn’t know she deserves better.

DBM: To each their own, no?

Madina: That’s rubbish! When she can go out of her own way to make herself feel important? When she can take back control of her own happiness? When a situation she finds herself in isn’t right for her? When the thought of something she’s found herself in quickly takes away her smile? When the environment she’s finding herself in doesn’t add any true value to her self-worth? Why is she even with that person who doesn’t make her feel beautiful, loved, alive, happy and needed?

DBM: Some women genuinely, feel stuck

Madina: David, when I have a sore on my leg, I treat it. Someway, somehow, those wounds ought to close and heal for me to find my feet. It’s a decision I have to make for myself, and by myself.

DBM: Hmmm!

Madina: So long as she knows she’s not of herself, she still has a chance to change her circumstances.

DBM: But it’s not that simple, is it?

Madina: I’d rather find my inner strength than to remain hopeless. A lot of women can’t access their freedom because they feel they’re in chains. Being free from an unfortunate circumstance is within a woman’s control, and we have the hope to change our predicaments.

DBM: What is your story?

Madina: I was afraid of being myself when I used to be married to my husband, and it took me almost nine years in the marriage before I finally had to stand up for myself.

DBM: How long were you married?

Madina: 10 years

DBM: Kids?

Madina: We have a daughter together.

DBM: How do you feel now, after the divorce?

Madina: I own my voice, and have stepped into my own power. I feel happy to be alive to witness this for myself.

DBM: Are you single?

Madina: I am in my second marriage

DBM: And, how long have you been married?

Madina: We’re clocking the fourth year in September, 2023.

DBM: How does the present feel like, compared to the past?

Madina: The person I am is the person my husband is married to, and he does not criticize me for who I am. My marriage means everything to me, so is who I am.

DBM: Why were you afraid of being yourself in your first marriage?

Madina: I was afraid of being a single mother and alone; he threatened me with divorce and I didn’t want to be divorced. My ex-husband is a catch, and I felt I wasn’t going to meet a nice man like him anywhere; he made me believe all men were the same, and that, I had to take what I had been given and just work around it. I was also in love with him, and I think I had on my rose-colored sunglasses when it came to his lies, affairs, abuse, disrespect, vindictiveness and betrayal.

DBM: That was what you had been given?

Madina: Yes, and more. He paid two guys to come and rape me at home.

DBM: Are you alleging?

Madina: The men came to the house around 2 AM. I was not fully asleep because I was experiencing panic attacks; and he wasn’t home. We had just two keys to the main door; he kept a copy, and I had mine. And because he was used to coming to the house late, I locked up after him and took my key out – so he could unlock whenever he got home. I heard them unlock the door, and I assumed it was him. They did not steal anything from the house; they did not touch or go to our daughter’s room. They walked straight to our bedroom, raped me in turns, and left.

DBM: Again, how could your husband have been involved in all this?

Madina: They left our bedroom and went out, locking the main door. I was trying to identify any of them by face, and so I went to the living room; feeling traumatized, yet watching their every move outside the corridor – through the window. I heard the taller guy ask in Ga, ‘where did he say we should hide the key?’. They placed it under a stone, next to the flower pot. My husband came home two hours later, and picked the key from under the stone next to the flower pot.

DBM: Oh, my goodness! So, what did you do?

Madina: I had to go to a safe place

DBM: Where?

Madina: To a neighbor’s house, for them to take me to the nearest hospital. I told them I was feeling sick. I had to wait for my ex-husband to come home first, because our daughter was in her room, sleeping. I had to also see where he was going to pick his copy of the key from.

DBM: Why do you think he would do this to you?

Madina: To punish me; to silence me; to submit me to his authority; to keep me in fear and in bondage; to break me and take away my pride.

DBM: Did you get him arrested?

Madina: No!

DBM: But he got punished for it, no?

Madina: I filed for divorce.

DBM: That was that?

Madina: That was that! I did not tell him, and he didn’t bother to find out

DBM: You know you can still report him if you want him to be held criminally liable?

Madina: I don’t want to report him

DBM: Why not?

Madina: He’s the father of my daughter. And my daughter has no idea of what happened.

DBM: Have you sought for support and counseling – at least, for yourself, to deal with the trauma the assault might have caused?

Madina: Yes! I got professional help.

DBM: Have you told anyone you trust about the ordeal? I mean, aside the professional assistance

Madina: No! Anyways, I am no longer the type of woman who would loosely take what people do or say and just accept it.

DBM: That’s good to know

Madina: That’s why I am encouraging women to be clear about what they want, and stick to just that. They have to choose what they deserve, be aware of their own thoughts and actions. Women have to stand by their decisions and express their truths to the people who matter most to them without any sense of fear.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko 

 

THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

The driver’s name is Eddie. His car’s number is GS 7443-21. He was the ride I ordered to the airport. I was very late, and so I wasn’t really present in the vehicle with him. I knew he was trying to build on a conversation with me, but I was behind time and wasn’t interested. Mr. Dave, I am in my second marriage, he said. Suddenly, I was interested; there was a story to be told. I am sharing his story because I sought for his consent. Secondly, there are lessons to be learned from his experience. He is in his mid-40’s, and was married to his first wife for 10 years. They could not have children.

According to Eddie, children are a gift from GOD. I wasn’t bothered that we couldn’t have any in my first marriage. I had trust in GOD, and was hoping my ex-wife could trust in Him, my commitment to her and our marriage. He says it really hurt him that the woman he loved with all of his heart, a woman he never for once even considered cheating on or disrespecting, chose to end their marriage. He is of the view that, our society has influenced some women to place a high value on childbearing in marriages – to the extent that, it is so ingrained in their reasoning, they often forget there is a spouse, a man, to be loved also. He says he married his ex-wife because he loved her; children were not his major reason for marriage. He loved his commitment to her; he loved the idea of spending the rest of his life on earth with her in it. He was with her because he wanted to be with her. Unfortunately, his ex-wife had a different expectation for their marriage.

Eddie says, some people will end up being childless because they worry too much to rather focus on the now, the very people loving on them in the present. He believes that societal pressure to become a mother ate into the mind of his ex, that she allowed it to almost measure her worthiness as a woman. The marriage became very unhealthy for the woman because she wanted something different: a real man who could get her pregnant. And so, after 10 years of marriage, she asked her family to return his drinks to his family. The families both asked if had done her any wrong, and she said no. Eddie says, in the presence of both families, he went on his knees, begging her to reconsider. He refused to accept her decision, but she wasn’t interested in the marriage. He kept insisting for a real reason why she wanted out. She finally informed him and their families that, she was no longer in love with him.

Mr. Dave, that was what made me stop pleading with her. I had to understand and respect the fact that, she did not love me anymore. When a woman tells you that she doesn’t love you, let her go. Don’t force your feelings on her. said Eddie. Somehow, he found the confidence to agree to the divorce. His ex-wife also got the confidence to leave, because she had made it clear that she felt trapped. Eddie says, the dissolution of the marriage made all his anxieties about not having the chance of a family even worse. He lost weight, lost his appetite for food; he had a few thousands of cedis saved, and did not know how all that money finished within days. He contemplated on suicide many times. His heart had been broken into pieces.

There was no getting around the divorce because it shook him to his very foundations, causing him to question his confidence level, and even his faith in GOD, women and love. The experience was horrible, terrible for him. All this happened to him in 2019. In 2020, he had learned how to grapple with the pain of rejection and was almost done mourning a lost love, when he met his current wife. He knew he liked this new woman. She makes me want to smile for no reason. I think that was part of the reasons why I found her to be interesting. She was nothing like my ex-wife. he said.

His now Mrs. intentionally became a daily feature in his life just so he could have a dose of real laughter. He allowed the laughter to shape his new found interest into a beautiful friendship, and then, love. Her friendship helped him to return to the things he used to love doing. He then gradually started to lose himself in this good woman who made him smile every day. They got married, and have a one-and-a-half-year-old child. He says, his wife is currently pregnant.

Every relationship (be it good or bad) has something for us to learn. Eddie accepted that his first marriage had ended. He took baby steps and moved on with his life. He is now picturing how to better give and receive with his new wife. I asked him if he knew about his ex-wife’s whereabouts; he says she calls him once or twice every week to check on him. She’s single and has no kids yet. He says she sometimes asks if he misses her too. When I alighted, I was curious in knowing, whether or not he misses the ex.

Mr. Dave, right now as we speak, I miss my wife and child. I can’t wait to close for the day and rush home to help with the house. said Eddie.

Image Credit: David Bondze-Mbir

HIDDEN AND DENIED

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I am a 39-year-old-man with a biological clock ticking away and giving me baby fever. I have desired to be a family man for years. I was married for eight years without a child. I made a few mistakes and my wife and I went our separate ways. Before the divorce, she was also seeing someone. Five months into the divorce process, she started to show. I thought she was putting on weight but it wasn’t weight. She doesn’t wear loose-fitting clothes…. all her dresses used to hug her body. She wasn’t wearing those to court anymore. She even wore jackets to three of our hearings. Dave, my wife doesn’t do thick material. She was trying to conceal a growing bump. She finally couldn’t hide it anymore. It’s been one year since our divorce was granted. I haven’t seen the baby, but mutual friends who have seen her all tell me she has my eyes and forehead. She hasn’t shared any pictures of the child on any of her social media platforms.

Do I have the right to request for a DNA test to know if she is my baby? The other guy has named her, so she carries his surname but I want to be sure it’s really his. My ex and I don’t talk so it’s very difficult for me to navigate through this issue.

Image Credit: Jeffrey Riley

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