Tag: Love

Let’s Talk To Otis

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 124: Otis

DBM: Hello Otis. How would you describe yourself?

Otis: I stay true to myself majority of the time. I like challenges and I don’t always take the easiest routes out of a situation.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Otis: Eight

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Otis: As at March 14th 2023, I was of the opinion that I was burdened by a conflicting issue. My wife is the perfect homemaker and we have a great friendship and relationship. She is her happiest when around me; she’s affectionate and caring, but I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t hyping my energy to her level. We’re in our 8th year of marriage and if I am to cast my mind back to the statistics within my circle of friends, the likelihoods of me and my wife ending up in a lifelong marriage could fundamentally be based on a coin toss. Dave, I’m going to be honest, my heart wasn’t in it last year and was indifferent about the way forward. Divorce or separation did cross my mind but I felt guilty at the thought of it because my wife really has been good to me. I know my life is better because I’m a part of hers, but I was in a state where I though my true feelings would be miserable if I continued staying married. The crazy thing is, my wife sensed my unhappiness and has been showing up for us to talk about what is going on with me. I just have not been able to truthfully open up to her about my feelings. What I want to talk about is how I had the perfect opportunity to meet a need in me with another woman but chose not to.

DBM: Why?

Otis: I realized abruptly that there is nothing wrong with my wife, and that I would have cheated regardless of who I was in a relationship with. I am the one with issues to deal with, not my wife.

DBM: That’s a first. Walk me through your process

Otis: I did meet with the other woman in the hotel room, and I was ready to rumble. But her phone kept ringing. She was ignoring the calls and it wouldn’t stop ringing, so I told her to answer it. That was when I realized she was married. It was her husband on the call. Yes, I did not know she was married. How we met and how our conversations built up to this moment is a story for another day; but I figured out she was cheating back because her husband had cheated on her. Listening to her argue with her husband on the call was my principal driver of loyalty to my wife. I found myself in a state of appreciation for my wife and all that she’s done for me, our marriage and the children. I never knew I could acknowledge her value that quickly, to the extent that, when the lady was done shouting on her phone, there was a less chance of me wanting to take the risk of hurting my wife by doing something foolish. I wasn’t ready to put my marriage in jeopardy.

DBM: How did you explain your ‘aha’ moment to the lady?

Otis: There was nothing to explain. I just told her I couldn’t. I booked the room for her though – to stay the night, which she said she did.

DBM: How easy or difficult was the sudden switch off?

Otis: It was within my decision-making process. Being sexually attracted to someone, I think is controllable. And from what I experienced; I could choose without a doubt not to act on my urges. Sometimes, family takes precedence

DBM: That’s good to know

Otis: It’s a choice. In fact, I realized that if I had gone ahead with the lady in the hotel room, it would have been a decision made out of my greed to satisfy my selfish needs.

DBM: What if your needs were valid?

Otis: Oh, the urge was valid. I wanted something different but I was awoken to the idea of maybe, creating that different feel with what I already have at home. I love my wife, no doubts about that; I just needed a reason to make a tough decision that was in her best interest for once.

DBM: Are you proud of the outcome?

Otis: I did good, I think. I chose to protect my wife even though she wasn’t a witness to it. I chose to put a smile on her face even though she doesn’t get to know about that. I caused my wife to feel loved and chosen by me. If I will be honest, she chooses me every day; this was my turn to do her the honors and return a favor. This decision also is a huge step to improve upon myself and our marriage, instead of destroying it. My wife’s hope in me couldn’t go down the drain just for a few minutes of pleasure. Loving someone genuinely burdens you to do right by them.

DBM: I concur. Do you know why you were assuming your life could be miserable while with wifey?

Otis: I don’t know why but I know it started as a fantasy. In my mind, I was comparing my present with a future. Future meaning, dating or being married to a different woman.

DBM: Do you still find your wife attractive?

Otis: I do

DBM: And you can imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with her and being content with just her in your heart?

Otis: I think so

DBM: Whenever I find myself in the ‘I think so’ phase, it usually means I’m still beating myself up because my tolerance for the unknown and unpredictability is still on the low.

Otis: I don’t know

DBM: Otis

Otis: Yeah?

DBM: It’s okay not to be sure. It’s okay to sometimes also worry. I believe it’s okay to even feel bad about yourself sometimes. You don’t have to be strong all the time. I am proud of you for the decision you took in the hotel room. You’re a good man.

Otis: Hopefully, I wouldn’t fall apart at the long run

DBM: But even if you do, you have every right to. It enables you to find yourself all over again. So, it’s not always that bad. Give yourself some credit

Otis: I agree, I’m a good guy.

DBM: Why do you love your wife?

Otis: She accepts me even when I don’t know exactly what to do with her attention. She’s caring towards me when I am indifferent about my emotions. She encourages me to learn what it takes to be good to myself with her love for me. I don’t know why I love her but I know I do.

DBM: That’s good enough a response. Participant 123, Vance, left a question for you: ‘What is the one truth about you today that would probably make your 10-year-old self be disappointed in you?’

Otis: I was by my father’s side at the hospital when he died. My mum had gone home to prepare his favorite meal because he had specifically requested for rice and palmnut soup. Before the doctor confirmed his death, he got a notification on his phone. I was holding his phone when it beeped. It was from one of his close friends, a family friend I would say. His wife and my mum are very close friends too. It was a love message. It caught me unawares, and so I unlocked the phone to read the full message. My dad had been pronounced dead minutes later, and I was supposed to be crying or something but I couldn’t stop myself from reading their conversations dating back to the messages he hadn’t deleted yet. They also exchanged a lot of gay porn and from their conversations, planned on which positions to try when they were together. I went through his google search history and realized he wasn’t the man I thought he was. My dad was married to my mother for 40 years. I couldn’t tell for how long he and the man had been together, but they were very close friends when I was a kid. I haven’t told anyone in my family, and I don’t intend to. As for my mother, I don’t want to break her heart. My 10-year-old self would tell my mother everything.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Otis: Okay! Do you see the future being better than the present? Why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Mizuno K

Let’s Talk To Chiamaka

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 121: Chiamaka

DBM: Hi Chiamaka. How would you describe yourself?

Chiamaka: A wife, mother, solid with math skills, business oriented and a problem solver

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Chiamaka: 8 or 9. Any of them goes

DBM: Did you get to read your husband’s conversation with me?

Chiamaka: I did

DBM: What’s your take on it?

Chiamaka: What he failed to mention was the fact that, I came into his life with my own baggage. I was four months pregnant with my ex-boyfriend’s baby. My car had broken down by the roadside on my way to work, and he apparently had seen me stranded while driving to work. I did not even know all this because he did not stop to talk or check on my situation. 20 minutes or so later, a mechanic and his team came to my rescue, and to my surprise, Uzo had arranged for them to sort me out. He had also paid for their services in advance. I took his number from the mechanic to express my appreciation. Our first conversation wasn’t supposed to be lovey-dovey; I wasn’t ready for a relationship, because I had decided to stop trying so hard for a man. My decision was to relax, focus on the pregnancy and be myself. I was thinking if Uzoma truly was interested in knowing me, he was going to have to accept me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. He turned out to have the ability to bring friendship and love into my life; cared for me and my unborn child with kindness and compassion. Your chat with my husband is everything he’s been to me. The man I’m married to sees beyond my flaws and adores me beyond all measure. He’s loved me the exact way he promised he would, and I am such a happy woman because of the way Uzoma encourages me to explore all sides of me.

DBM: So, according to Uzoma, one of your Aunties advised you not to expect too much from him, if you did not want to be disappointed someday. What are your expectations of him?

Chiamaka: I have none set for him. The truth is, I cannot control the way a man thinks, or feels. I have no control over his reactions. How he chooses to act is purely up to him. What I know is, I’ve been creating my own happiness since we met. If there are any expectations to be set, I set them for myself because I have the ability to control my own behavior.

DBM: What is the one favorite memory of you and your husband that you love the most?

Chiamaka: We have a twice a week habit of taking a shower together. It’s something we both are into and look forward to every week. It’s been providing us with a bonding space to feel more comfortable around each other. I believe this has hugely contributed to him being himself around me.

DBM: When did you realize that you love him?

Chiamaka: When I had to squeeze his hand at the hospital during contractions. Uzo wasn’t freaked out during the delivery of my first child. It clearly was exhausting for him to watch me push out the baby, but he stood by my side though he wasn’t his biological child. He was the one who cut the cord, held and kissed him first before handing my baby over to me. I fell in love with his gesture right there, I asked him to name the child.

DBM: Where was your baby’s father?

Chiamaka: He was on his honeymoon. He had gotten married that same Saturday

DBM: Is he part of your child’s life?

Chiamaka: He’s welcome to be if he wants to

DBM: Meaning?

Chiamaka: Uzoma is helping me raise our son, and because of that, has gained an unfathomable, richer relationship with me. Our son only knows one father, my husband.

DBM: But does your ex know about the child?

Chiamaka: He does

DBM: Can I pry further?

Chiamaka: It depends on the next question

DBM: Your ex, was he dating his wife when you two got together?

Chiamaka: No! We were together for three years and he cheated on me with her. They got divorced in 2016. He’s married to his second wife now, I believe

DBM: Alice Addy on Facebook wants to know how your husband was brough up. Was his father helping his mother with house chores, etc. when growing up?

Chiamaka: He was raised practically by a single parent, though his mother and father were married. From what he’s told me, his dad was only in his life to pay school fees. He worked a lot and was mostly not home, leaving his mother to manage the household. Uzo has four other siblings by his parents and two half-brothers from a different woman. His dad is married to another woman

DBM: Is his mother still alive?

Chiamaka: She is, happily divorced

DBM: Why do you think your husband is so much involved when it comes to household chores?

Chiamaka: I married a considerate man. He cares about me and my overall wellbeing. He’s also very kind, compassionate and thoughtful, and often wants me to breathe. He does not waver to do whatever needs to be done to keep the home tidy. His contribution to running our household has nothing to do with ‘helping me out.’ He just finds delight in taking on his fair share of the duties and responsibilities. He’s of the view that, he lives in the same house with me, and so why not do his part to support upkeep? He’s involved with the children because they are his children too, and it’s his job to be present to them as their father.

DBM: Kwaku Acheampong on Facebook wants to know how you manage a quarrel with your husband.

Chiamaka: Because there was a child in our midst by the time we married, we were mindful of conflicts between us. We schedule a time to work out our disagreements without any swearing, yelling over each other or fighting. This wasn’t a habit we wanted to encourage in our home. If we’re to quarrel or have a misunderstanding, he either would speak first or I’d do about the issue at hand in a respectful tone. We decided 11 years ago not to yell at each other. We’re not into name-calling or insults. Uzo knows how much I love him. I know the depth of his love for me. We cherish our relationship and have no plans messing it up. Afterall, we loved each other before learning how to fight each other.

DBM: Is love enough an ingredient to sustain a relationship/marriage?

Chiamaka: From my 11 years’ experience with Uzoma, it’s been the trust in our commitment to each other to make the best of decisions, and also to uphold high standards and values. Our teamwork and the hope that we’ve both got each other’s back for real – is also maintaining our interest in the relationship. We have utmost respect for one another and greatly admire what the other does professionally and personally. My husband gets to be himself in order to live his best life; I get to do same to stay connected and happy. The last ingredient to the best of my knowledge is how much we like each other. Uzo is a man I love with all of my heart, but I LIKE him more. My husband likes me to the extent that, he’s always in a hurry to close from work to spend time with me and our children. He likes the man he becomes when hangs out with me at home. He brings the best in me too when I’m with him. Is love enough? Love becomes the outgrowth of the trust we have in each other, our respect for one another and the extent at which we genuinely like each other’s matter.

DBM: This is healthy information. Thank you!

Chiamaka: You’re welcome. We’re done, I guess?

DBM: I have one last question, please?

Chiamaka: Listening…

DBM: Sex. Your husband wouldn’t stop talking about how much he loves having sex with you. How important is sex?

Chiamaka: As a believer, marriage reflects the kind of relationship God wants to have with mankind. The Bible makes references to God being our husband and the entire human race being His bride. The Bible talks about His pursuit, passion and desire to have intimacy with us (His bride); to be close and connected to us, etc. That is the same sexual drive Uzoma has for me. I believe it was put in him by God to want and need me so much that until he’s cum inside of me, he’s not satisfied that he’s bonded enough that day with his wife. I don’t resent him for that, I don’t judge or assume of him to be objectifying my body. I don’t deny my husband what gives him fulfilment and joy and peace. Invalidating Uzo’s desire for lovemaking only would hurt our relationship, because I know the man I’m married to; sex is a big deal for him and he loves to have sex with me. That is why he’s ensured for the past decade our housework becomes a shared project. He assists in cleaning the house and putting the home in order. That’s his gesture of love for me, and it blesses me personally. At the end of a long day, I am able to breathe, build up my strength so he can take me in his arms and carry me to bed. Uzo loves being inside of, and going down on me. I can’t take that away from him. Seeing him excited turns me on.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Let’s Talk To Rema

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 118: Rema please

DBM: Hello Rema. How would you describe yourself?

Rema: I used to be a very lively, focused and very happy but not anymore

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rema: Four David

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rema: My daughter and my marriage

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Rema: She will be 10 this year

DBM: And, how long have you been married?

Rema: Almost five years

DBM: What’s going on with your daughter?

Rema: David, I had my daughter at an early age. She is very brilliant and very beautiful. She is the kind of child every parent is proud to have. Unfortunately, I have failed her.

DBM: Parenting can be hard

Rema: When I was dating, my husband and his family got to know I had a child. I was invited to bring her over. She was welcomed with open arms or so I thought

DBM: Okay?

Rema: I was told she couldn’t move in with me. My husband lives with his parents. I had to leave my daughter with her dad because my mum is a busy person. I thought if she couldn’t stay with me, at least, she could spend her vacations with me. But that also turned out to be something that was kicked against by my in-laws. I can count the number of times I have seen her these years David. She is in a different region and far away from me. She calls me every time, asking me to come for her. She sends me messages asking why I chose her brother over her and have abandoned her.

DBM: If your actions and decisions are causing emotional damage to your daughter, then you’re not doing something right

Rema: Yes David. I know as a parent I have failed her and keep failing her daily. She apologizes for wrongs she thought she might have committed, thus, me choosing to leave her with her dad.

DBM: Your daughter’s father, how is his character like?

Rema: He is very promiscuous. And it’s gotten so bad that he allows our daughter to stay with his girlfriends’ sometimes

DBM: Why did you choose a man over your own daughter?

Rema: My husband adores her; it’s just his parents. I know it doesn’t make sense but if I were to leave this marriage, my son would be taken away from me. He’s too young, and knowing them, I may not be allowed to be a part of his life. I feel I will put him through exactly how my daughter feels right now. But then again, my husband isn’t ready to move out of his parents’. He keeps telling me to be patient, and that everything will work out eventually. Not that he can’t afford it but his parents threatened him.

DBM: Don’t get me wrong with this; I understand how you equally want to be happy and feel loved and all that, I do get it. But choosing to become a mother was a duty you decided to take on, with the understanding of it altering your life forever, no?

Rema: Yes, it did change my life from the very beginning. I gave birth to my daughter three weeks after WACCE. I couldn’t get the grades an ‘A’ student was supposed to. Nonetheless, I work in the health sector now.

DBM: Why is your husband staying with his parents?

Rema: Because they want him there. His dad said he hasn’t given him the permission to leave yet, because they need someone to be serving them like his wife served his mother. Because they didn’t raise him to this level for him to choose me over them; and that if he should leave without their permission, they won’t talk to him ever again, not even in death.

DBM: How old is your husband?

Rema: 37

DBM: How old are you?

Rema: 31

DBM: Did you know about his family’s dynamics prior to settling down with him?

Rema: No, not at all. I wouldn’t have. They appeared as the nicest people ever. They made me feel loved. His dad could call me as late as 10 pm, just to convince me to allow them go see my people. His mum would tell me how I was an answered prayer to her. But it was all a big lie. They wanted a slave in their mansion; someone they could abuse without you saying a word. The emotional and verbal abuse from his parents is too much for me now. He feels I shouldn’t pay attention to their utterances because its old age

DBM: So, your husband chose his parents over building a future with you. Your daughter is somewhere crying because she’s been choosing you to choose her, yet you do not see the need to be extra picky, ensuring that you never put a man before your child?

Rema: Yes David, that’s the truth I’m refusing to accept. I don’t know why

DBM: Are you done serving your own busy mother?

Rema: No, on the contrary. I didn’t serve my mother. My mum had maids growing up and still does. I was served when I was with my mother.

DBM: I see. What are you going to do?

Rema: I honestly don’t know! I cry myself to sleep almost every night but I’m confused. I know that I have to step up because things cannot remain as they are but then again, will I be happy if I leave my son behind? Won’t it be choosing one over the other? Will my son not also blame me for abandoning him when he grows a little?

DBM: Again, YOU are their mother. So, what makes you think you have to leave your children behind?

Rema: My in-laws have constantly reminded me that I won’t leave with their grandchild. Because they have the power and influence to make that happen. Also, traditionally, the child belongs to the man where we come from. If I threaten my husband that I’m leaving, he will tell me to leave his son behind.

DBM: This is a man you believe is in love with you, and wants to make you happy?

Rema: I thought so, but I’m beginning to doubt his love for me

DBM: How much time do you want to spend away from your daughter?

Rema: Not anymore David! My life is a mess now; my daughter’s words and tears keep hunting me

DBM: Do you think you made that decision to let go of your daughter out of fear, or for the sole purpose of attaining a deeply fulfilling relationship with your husband and his family?

Rema: The latter David. I believed my husband’s promises of a better tomorrow, my daughter inclusive. I had the assurance he was going to do something about it, and how he dearly loved her and would want the best for her as much as I did.

DBM: Is there room enough at their home to house your daughter?

Rema: Yes, four extra rooms are fully furnished

DBM: Most parents often would try interjecting themselves in the lives of their children for reasons best known to them. Is your husband financially independent and mature enough to function without his parents’ influence in his decision making?

Rema: Yes, financially but maturely, I doubt it. His entire life has been centered around them

DBM: Is there an established zone of privacy in your marital home?

Rema: No, not at all. I’m constantly reminded the home is theirs. I can’t even lock my bedroom door 😄

DBM: Oh wow! And in what instances do you feel the most loved by your husband?

Rema: I can’t say; I can’t even remember if there’s any. Yes, I realized I wasn’t my husband’s first choice for marriage, after giving birth to our son. The hurt from that alone is something I can’t describe. Deep down, I know I shouldn’t have pushed through with this marriage. If I was firm from the beginning with what I wanted, things wouldn’t have gone this far. I would have been a lot happier with my children without marriage.

DBM: Anytime I had denied a desire close to my heart, just to serve another purpose in my life – it only led to hurt. Do you have any regrets?

Rema: My biggest regret however is abandoning my child that I sacrificed so much for, just to stay married.

DBM: What priorities in your life right now are of importance to you?

Rema: My kids please. I don’t want to fail the both of them.

DBM: I see you to be a conscious woman and mother. I don’t think of you to be selfish because you are human with needs and desires. Choosing to start a family with your husband wasn’t a selfish act; you did owe it to yourself to want and pursue what you wanted. A woman who is happy with her love life can equally be happy being a mum

Rema: Thanks for your kind words. I could have done better, if I didn’t allow the fear of starting over creep in. I overlooked so many things just to be married. Those very things are my worst nightmares now. Moreover, I should have found myself before the commitment of marriage.

DBM: I am a little concerned only about the fact that, both your husband and his family knew that you were a single mother. Meaning, there was already a sense of responsibility on your part to your daughter. Why they thought it wise to suggest to you to let her go somewhere else is what is troubling me. Did they truly accept you for you?

Rema: I doubt they accepted me fully. The only conclusion I can come up with is the fact that, I was accepted because we are from the same tribe. Like I mentioned previously, their son wanted to marry someone from a different tribe but they rejected her. (I only found out after I married him). Because nothing makes sense to me. My daughter is not even allowed to spend her vacations with me.

DBM: I guess my last question would be, is your marriage worth all the sacrifices you’ve made?

Rema: A big NO. Funny to say this, but I think he doesn’t love me. Maybe he did before but not anymore

Image Credit: any Lane

Let’s Talk To Atticus

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 117: Atticus

DBM: Hi Atticus. How would you describe yourself?

Atticus: A man of choice

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Atticus: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Atticus: Sif

DBM: What does it mean?

Atticus: Sif is the name of my wife.

DBM: Oh, okay! How long have you been married?

Atticus: 45 years young

DBM: Congratulations!

Atticus: We put in the work, Dave. It wasn’t by luck.

DBM: Describe Sif

Atticus: My wife’s embrace is warm. She’s grown to build an equal, trusting and lasting relationship and connection with me; she’s organized, kind, honest, compassionate and a woman I trust. Sif is always taking very good care of herself and looks good at all times; she makes me her number one priority, not the kids, not her parents, not friends. My wife is intelligent and I’ve had the pleasure of engaging in deeper and more stimulating conversations for decades. My Sif is confident.

DBM: How did you meet?

Atticus: I used to work with her late cousin. We met at his funeral.

DBM: Did you go on a date?

Atticus: We did, and she ruined my afternoon. She came to cry and mourn her cousin with me all over again.

DBM: You mean after the funeral?

Atticus: Yes

DBM: How were you communicating back then?

Atticus: Face to face. We would agree to meet somewhere to talk and bond, and show up for each other

DBM: At what point did you realize you were falling in love with her?

Atticus: I knew on our first date, before she started to cry on me that she could be my life-mate. After we had spoken at the funeral grounds, she gave herself the permission to like me too, because she understood how I felt about her. When you allow yourself to have what you really want, you get it somehow.

DBM: Can you recount a challenging time or moment in your marriage?

Atticus: There was a point in my life where I started craving for validation, connection, affection and intimacy from another woman. I loved Sif, but I wanted a different experience with someone else. The one-time affair happened, and she caught wind of it. The challenge was when I had to tell her everything, including how I met the other woman, how many times we had sex, what the other lady could do to/for me that she wasn’t doing, etc. And because I refused to answer most of her questions, it added more strain to our marriage – forcing her to separate from me.

DBM: For how long?

Atticus: Three weeks, but I was lucky the love we shared worked out eventually in our favor. She forgave me when I started doing things to build her trust in me again. I haven’t made such a mistake since.

DBM: How did she find you out?

Atticus: She said it was a strong feeling she fought for days to ignore

DBM: Is forgiving a spouse a significant step to take for a marriage to work?

Atticus: It can be an option on the table, because not everyone can easily recover from say, an affair. Unfortunately, most of us pretend a lot when we’re chasing after love. Many after giving in to the chase only get to find out that everything they venerated about the other person was all for show. When I cheated on my wife, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t paying her any attention; It didn’t occur to me that I had taken her for granted all that while. It was like, anytime she attempted speaking to me about something, she was either nagging or whining. That was how I was feeling about her when I was looking outside my marriage. I couldn’t see beyond the fact that she was actually begging for my attention, and time together all that while I was busily offering the very same things to someone else.

My focus was rather hoping on the wish that my life could be more exciting like it was being promised from the other end. And so, I spent most of my free time developing feelings, plans and what to do to the other woman to have my needs met. I was only thinking of how I could get out of the house each time.

DBM: What kind of work was put into the pursuit to get your wife back?

Atticus: When she left with the children, it hit me that I probably was in the wrong. I knew how troublesome our kids were in their early years and couldn’t imagine letting their mother, my Sif, struggle with raising them all by herself.

DBM: You felt she couldn’t have on her own?

Atticus: She could have. Also, I was supporting financially but I know my children, they can be a handful. They can eat for the whole of Ghana. They can talk and scream and shout and fight for the whole world. They’re troublesome. Having a life outside my family couldn’t have painted the perfect picture of what the real costs would have been for a single mother.

DBM: You were thinking of all that?

Atticus: It was part of the work done, that I believe made me a better man. It wasn’t just to get my wife back – it was for my own good and future with my family. I had to change to want better for us. I’d say, we became inseparable and happier than we were before I cheated.

DBM: How long was this rough moment?

Atticus: 36, 37 years ago, I think

DBM: In your opinion, what is nourishing your marriage?

Atticus: A number of things: allowing myself to be influenced by my wife.

DBM: Please explain

Atticus: Let me use this recent example: I usually have gulfing plans outlined for most weekends. Sif knows this, but still insisted I drove her to a wedding event last week. My wife can drive but she didn’t want to sit behind the wheel that Saturday morning. I cancelled my plans to drive her around. I could have returned home but I decided to wait for her. While waiting, I met a former school mate I hadn’t seen since Mfantsipim School. He was also dropping his wife. We drove to Sky Bar 25 to catch up, and we’re now in touch. He was one of the coolest guys in our day. I gained a best friend back just because of saying ‘okay’ to my wife.

DBM: Makes sense

Atticus: We also appreciate the good in our marriage while letting the bad take a hike. I have respect for my wife and treat her better than I would treat anyone else in my life. The fact is, I will not give to a stranger while my wife lacks. We are kind to each other that way. I am always happy for her success and have been encouraging and supporting her growth in all aspects of her interests. She does same for me. We found shared interests and pursued it with all the fun that comes with it. This made us not grow apart. We’ve built a solid financial security net around us; she’s always in the known about any activity I’m involved in outside the house. Sif knows how much I love sex, and has created a comfortable environment for me at home to express my love for her through sex – anytime I want to be with her.

DBM: You have any advice to give?

Atticus: 45 years being married to the same woman is no joke. I’ve been deliberate with my every effort to enjoy my wife and the marriage. The bad many of us men see in our wives are often through our own lenses. I changed the way I perceived my Sif, 37 years ago, and she automatically became the queen of my heart, and every woman I needed to be happy. Change how you look at, and address things/people, and see how the things/people you look at, and address suddenly also changes to your admiration. In my case, I was the person who needed to change for the better in order to experience 45 years of a healthy marriage.

Image Credit: Steward Masweneng

Let’s Talk To Jina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 116: Jina

DBM: Hello Jina. How would you describe yourself?

Jina: I live by a different set of core beliefs and that’s what is guiding my decisions

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Jina: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Jina: My mother walked into a sensitive relationship with me, in the name of marriage. I was 17 years old. Just like my mother, when I dream of getting married, I am often imagining my relationship to be a happily ever after storyline. Divorce wouldn’t be a thought on my mind because I’d only want to thrive as my husband’s wife. Prior to her second marriage, she was in an unhappy situation with my father. Even I wished she could start all over without my dad, but mom stayed because of me. I’ve heard people say that it takes two people in a marriage to make it work, but I saw my mother as the only one doing things differently to keep the home together. Mum ensured she was her pleasant self every day, while my father found every reason to fight with her. My mother lost her energy to stay married. She died five years into her second marriage with my step father, who is currently my soul mate.

DBM: Your step father is your husband, you mean?

Jina: No, boyfriend

DBM: How old are you?

Jina: I’m in my mid-twenties

DBM: Is your relationship with zaddy public?

Jina: No

DBM: At what point did your step-dad become a love interest?

Jina: I am still mystified as to why of all the men in the world, I decided to fall in love with my late mother’s husband. He was mourning my mother, months after her burial and one day he looked at me and the attraction between us turned into something rather commanding and real, we were both comfortable with crossing that bridge over troubled waters.

DBM: Meaning?

Jina: We had sex. We were completely at ease around each other, the attraction could not be mistaken

DBM: Did he and your mother have kids?

Jina: No!

DBM: Has he any children of his own?

Jina: Yes

DBM: They know you as their step-sister?

Jina: Yes

DBM: They know about you and their dad?

Jina: Not yet

DBM: What caused your mother’s death?

Jina: She suffered from a chronic lower respiratory disease

DBM: How would you describe your boyfriend?

Jina: He is a generous wave that carried my mother and me along with him

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Jina: Over year, four months and two weeks

DBM: You love him?

Jina: With all of my heart. He’s very down to earth and endearing. When my mother was alive, his unconditional acceptance of her was never based on anything special she had to do. He was fond of saying, mum was one of God’s beautiful gifts to him.

DBM: Awww! How do you understand love?

Jina: When I am able to let him live his life, and not do anything that would suggest I want to keep him only for myself.

DBM: Hmmm!

Jina: It’s crazy, I know! But it’s because I trust him, and we have so much in common

DBM: Was the feelings between you two mutual when your mother was alive?

Jina: There was nothing romantically inclined between us

DBM: Is this a relationship that could end up in marriage?

Jina: No. We’ve talked about it, and marriage is certainly out of the question

DBM: You don’t want to be married?

Jina: I do. But in our complicated situation, it wouldn’t be ideal. Just having him close by is good enough for me; especially knowing how much he cares about me

DBM: You’re certain you’re not confusing your own emotions, especially knowing how vulnerable you both are while going through the whole grieving process of the one woman you loved?

Jina: I loved my mother, and he loved his wife dearly. That love is still present in our hearts. I think what we’ve developed between us, in a way is a compliment also to my mother. The human heart is capable of limitless love and can or will make room for possible relationships in the future

DBM: In other words, you can love two people at the same time?

Jina: I believe so; though those two relationships will never be founded on the same level of depth and definitely not feel the same, one can still be happy pursuing love while making the most out of life. Sharing true love with someone you are capable of genuinely caring about is a healthy exercise for the soul

DBM: How long are you two planning on keeping your relationship under wraps?

Jina: We haven’t discussed into detail. We feel that people will quickly assume that’s what might have even killed my mother, but we both know that’s not the case. Also, we don’t want to overwhelm ourselves with the judgmental attitudes of naysayers

DBM: So, where do you draw the line between a secret relationship and a private one?

Jina: Dave, we recently buried his wife, my mother. We don’t want the outside world to know he’s been able to move on so quickly with me. Because truth is, we’re still mourning her in our own way. And we are not ready to compromise our relationship in the process of having to always explain why we happen to be dating all of a sudden.

DBM: How do you think your mother would be feeling in her grave – if she were to see what you two are up to?

Jina: The traditional priest representing my boyfriend’s family’s clan showed up at our house, unannounced, the night we first had sex. He asked us to pacify my mother at the graveyard with an egg, schnapps, a fowl and a plea. He covered us with leaves and doted spots to perform a sacred ritual as demanded by their custom to enable us to be together intimately

DBM: I see. How did he know you two were sleeping together?

Jina: That’s a question for the gods. We don’t know how but he showed up at our doorstep

DBM: Do you work?

Jina: Yes, I am a teacher

DBM: So, you’re not with him because of money?

Jina: To me, money is a make-believe commodity. In fact, I am the one that gives ‘sika’ the very power it has in my life. Dave, as long as I can feed myself, I’m good to go.

Image Credit: Jairo David-Arboleda

I see myself in Hugh, and I fear for him

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

See, the relationship between LOVE and MARRIAGE is like that of a building and its foundation. LOVE is the foundation on which MARRIAGE, the building, is built. Like the foundation of a building, LOVE is far stronger than marriage. You cannot build before laying the foundation. If love is not the foundation of marriage, as in the case of Hugh and Papina, and as it was in my case, then when the storms of life reel its ugly head, the one who came into the relationship for reasons other than love, but only learnt to love the other after they’d been married would leave.

I married a lady I knew didn’t love me. She confessed same. I was praying that with time, she would grow to love me knowing the beautiful character I possess. David, could you imagine about after a year of marriage, my wife then promised, ‘Kwaku, exercise patience; the love will come’.

I earned a lot of money from my workplace and ensured life was very good and very comfortable for my wife, which then developed the love she showed. But after disaster struck and I lost my job, and the financial situation at home begun to fall, and finally fell, I realized our relationship was built upside-down: marriage which was the building was made the foundation and we tried to build love on it.

David, I had the premonition all along that in case I lost my job, my wife would leave. And it happened – in a very bizarre way. I really fear for Hugh. I am praying the fate I suffered at my workplace will not happen to him. But if, per adventure, it does happen, David I can predict Papina will leave. She’s in this relationship because Hugh has met her, and is meeting all of her demands. The love Hugh receives, and enjoys from her is ‘bought’. Papina coaching her friend to do as she did suggest that her love for Hugh hangs loosely on the thread of time; on how much and for how long Hugh is able to meet her aspirations.

There’s every indication that Hugh doubts her love. There’s every indication that Hugh entertains some fear. His fear is real and genuine. I wouldn’t advice divorce. But he should develop strong shock absorbers for future eventualities. Hugh’s may not be loss of job, accident or ill health that could result in permanent disability, but these things happen. I am lucky mine was just the loss of a job. I am still very healthy and moving on with life. Imagine if it had been a physical disability… You understand what I mean?

Written by KA

Image Credit: Mart Production

Let’s Talk to Hugh and Papina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 110a: Hugh

Partisipant110b: Papina is my name. Or Ivy. Both mean the same thing

DBM: Hello Hugh and Papina. How would you describe yourselves?

Hugh: Work in progress, trying to improve my own life.

Papina: As for me, I take big risks. That is how come I am able to realize my big wins. I am in my early 30’s, and always looking to be better – meaning, I learn from my mistakes. I’ve been through hell and back, so I nowadays prefer to rather take a step back and soak in as much information from people and circumstances as possible. I am currently living in my moment and I am working towards a dream that looks bigger than myself. I have a degree in Marketing. I am also a young mother

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Hugh: 9

Papina: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Hugh: I eavesdropped on a phone call between my wife and one of her girlfriends. She was telling her how she also agreed to marry me for purely financial motivations. And was encouraging her friend to do same with her new guy. How can a Christian woman marry me for some reason other than love?

Papina: In my defense, the love came later

Hugh: Liar

Papina: I am telling the truth; I did not fall in love with you until our third year in marriage.

Hugh: Did you marry me purposely to have financial support, a good roof over your head and also, to live a comfortable life?

Papina: Yes

DBM: Did you fall in love with your husband because of his generosity?

Papina: Yes Dave, I did

Hugh: Why then were you excited and at a point, even in tears on our wedding day – during the exchange of vows?

Papina: You couldn’t keep your hands off me. You had held my hand so tight and looked like you meant every promise from the vows you were making to me. I knew that you loved me, and that made me feel lucky

DBM: How long have you been married?

Papina: 6 years

DBM: What do you think are your husband’s best qualities?

Papina: He makes me laugh like no other, he’s very supportive and kind; emotionally very intelligent, he is smart and committed to the success of our marriage; he is forgiving and understanding, and I love our lazy morning sex when he slips into my morning shower to give me a quickie.

Hugh: Dave, ask my wife if she’s a gold digger

Papina: When we first met, I did not mind you trading your money and status in exchange for sex and my good looks. You wanted both in your life, and it came at a cost

Hugh: You told me you loved me too before we got married. All of it was a lie

Papina: First and foremost, we all lie. You used to lie to me too for reasons best known to you

Hugh: Why weren’t you upfront with the truth? You wanted someone to take care of you; I could have done that without the commitment of a marriage

Papina: Telling you the truth as at that time wouldn’t have gotten me what I have now

DBM: What do you have now?

Papina: I have a good man in my life who does special things for me to tell me how he feels. He shows me every day, how much he cares about how I feel – and that, whatever makes me happy is important to him.

Hugh: According to your explanation, it was best to lie to get me interested in our relationship?

Papina: If you had told me up front that you wanted sex from me when we first met, I would have ignored you because you weren’t my type.

Hugh: Then I’m still not your type

Papina: You’re my type. The fact that you have more money than less elevates your potential automatically to every woman. Money is a plus for a man.

DBM: What’s your favorite memory with your wife?

Hugh: Me?

DBM: Yes

Hugh: I don’t remember

DBM: Come on!

Hugh: I don’t have any

Papina: Can I answer for myself?

DBM: Sure

Papina: The first time we had to reminisce about when we first met, by going through our old pictures together. That was the day I realized I was falling in love with him. I connected with my husband in a way I could not imagine

Hugh: My best memory of my wife is, she’s a master of manipulation and sweet talk.

DBM: Be nice, please

Hugh: I don’t think I can trust her anymore

Papina: Why don’t you trust me anymore? You haven’t lied to me before? You’ve had side chicks since we married. Have I ever complained? Before you asked me to be your girlfriend, you had another woman in your life, yet you told me you were single. Or you thought I couldn’t handle the truth?

Hugh: Keep justifying your actions

DBM: Hugh

Hugh: Yeah!

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Hugh: Yeah

DBM: What are the four places you’ve considered having sex with your wife, other than in your bed?

Papina: 🥰

DBM: Sup? Lol!

Papina: 😎 He will answer this one. I know my husband

Hugh: I want to eat her out on the kitchen counter when the kids are in school, press her naked body against the window in the hall, fuck her hard on the hood of my car in the garage and on the staircase

DBM: Why do you love your wife?

Hugh: She’s important to me

Papina: Awww!

Hugh: She’s been encouraging and excited about my progress and choices in life

Papina: That’s because my feelings and what is important to me are your priorities. We have come so far that I cannot imagine a time when I will not love you. I’ve found the man I want to love forever in you

Hugh: What if I lose all my money? Would you still love me?

Papina: At the moment, I know your assets are producing a higher net return, which makes it impossible for you to lose all of your money. You’ve made excellent financial planning decisions which spreads well beyond your investments. We are good.

DBM: Smh! Women and money!

Papina: Money seduces us differently. The content of a man’s bank account determines the depth of a woman’s love for him. The only time a woman would go for a broke guy is when her cashflow permits her to choose anything she wants for love.

DBM: I love how candid you both are with your communication

Hugh: I believe that if you love someone, you do not tune them out even when the conversation is not about something that you’d want to talk about.

Papina: We’ve both been genuinely interested in what we have to say about anything, anytime, any day. And, it’s working for us in that department.

DBM: What do you fear the most?

Hugh: Losing my wife

Papina: I’d say the same, losing my life; losing my husband and all that he’s worked for

DBM: Why do you tolerate your husband’s affairs?

Papina: Dave, I am tough o; I have not come this far in life by simply putting up with garbage thrown at me to decay my self-esteem, never. Also, prior to his affairs, I was already tolerating a whole lot from him. That is not to excuse bad behavior. We have set boundaries in our marriage and he knows very well that he is not allowed to put my life, health, sanity and our home in any form of danger. He does not look or touch his phone when we’re interacting at home. He understands the clarity of priorities when he is home. Most importantly, he ensures the home has everything to make its inhabitants feel comfortable

DBM: That is good enough?

Papina: For me, it is. That is me standing up for myself. That is me not beating myself up because of someone else’s bad behavior. I’ve told myself that nothing he does should have the capacity to drain me emotionally. I’d rather be gone and not let the door hit me on my way out.

Hugh: I have no issues in my marriage

DBM: I know quite a number of married men who have split themselves into two; their first part believing of themselves to be good and well-behaved husbands who’d do any and everything to stay attentive at home, but then, encouraging the second part of them to carry on with an affair. Do you fall in this category?

Hugh: I do

DBM: And, is it going to be like this forever?

Hugh: A time will come, I will not be acting on my fantasy outside of my marriage. A time will come, I will only be taking my feelings about the fantasies I want to explore with my wife seriously. A time will come, we will laugh about my foolish past together

Papina: Hopefully, sooner than later before you squander your time without holding on to something meaningful with me. Today you can be here, tomorrow you’d be gone.

DBM: It was a good conversation. Thank you!

Image Credit: Anna Shvets

Let’s Talk To Xavier

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 108: Xavier

DBM: Hello Xavier. How would you describe yourself?

Xavier: I will describe myself as a man who is very much in control of his dynamisms, and is self-aware, and can channel my energies in the path to goodness.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Xavier: 9 and a half

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Xavier: Prior to meeting my wife, I was in a two-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend. We were planning on getting married because she was pregnant. One day, while she was in the shower, a man sent a steamy message to her phone, which caught my attention because I was going to take her charger to charge my phone. The notification popped up on her screen, and I read the remaining of the message; it was incredibly intimate. Before I could process anything, he followed up with a voice message of him masturbating while reminiscing about their last intimate encounter, which according to him, happened the night before. This happened in 2014. Mind you, she was six months pregnant, and until I heard that message, had assumed the pregnancy was mine. This is an ex who convinced me not to have sex with her because she was having a high-risk pregnancy. She made me believe she had a low-lying placenta, which her doctor confirmed with the term, placenta praevia. I still remember it like it was just yesterday. The long and short of the story is, her child belongs to the doctor, and they’ve been together since our breakup.

DBM: Omg!

Xavier: I met my wife on my way to attack the doctor at the hospital. I was driving and then suddenly, I had to pee. I found the nearest office building and had to beg and bribe the security man to allow me use the bathroom. When I got out of the washroom, I met my wife on the hallway, and I could swear she looked just like a crush of mine from high school. I probably might have been horny because her smile turned me on.

DBM: Ah! But weren’t you the same person angry a minute ago?

Xavier: The quality of voice she used in saying ‘heya’ to me – got me thinking

DBM: About what?

Xavier: Rather than looking to what my ex had done and fighting her doctor, why not focus on who was sharing her brightest smile with me in the present to solve a problem.

DBM: What problem did her smile solve in your life?

Xavier: I have tears in my eyes just recalling the day I met her. That simple ‘heya’ imbued the rest of my life with so much magic. It made me consider whether or not letting an opportunity like her pass me by, really was worth my time and energy. Who would have known ‘heya’ could teach me how to pick my battles wisely? Her smile made me forget I was angry; that is magic. And since that day, I stopped fighting over every little thing. Dave, when you’ve had your heart trampled on, it takes a special ‘heya’ to let yourself be vulnerable to trust again.

DBM: How would you describe your wife?

Xavier: If ever there was ‘the one’, then it would be my woman. She’s the only lady that I had been with for love to call us to marriage without any sexual happenstances involved. I am in no way saying I don’t feel like sleeping with my wife any time I set my eyes on her. As her husband, the passion she exhumes in me is erotic 24/7. But she did not meet all my requirements for the perfect woman I desired. Getting to know her drew my attention to the other attractive qualities in her that were even better than anything I could have wanted in a wife. She triggers my inner hero to come along.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Xavier: Eight years in August. We dated for seven months

DBM: Your ex, how did you finally get closure?

Xavier: I loved my ex-girlfriend but had to walk away because I didn’t have it in me to trust her again. Talks about her brings up certain emotions that I cannot explain, even now.

DBM: Hmmm!

Xavier: But I forgive her

DBM: What is your favorite thing about your marriage?

Xavier: Oh, that is simple; I wake up in the morning and the first thing I tell myself is to love my wife more than I did the day before. I give her a kiss, iron her dress while she prepares the children for school. I hug her before leaving the house, and offer a gargantuan, extended hug when I return from work. I’ve been consistent with the same routine for eight years, to the extent that, she expects it from me every day.

DBM: Why is such a routine important to you?

Xavier: Choosing to love my wife, I believe is within my control

DBM: It is!

Xavier: Yeah!

DBM: What do you think seems to be the glue holding your marriage intact?

Xavier: The fact that me and my wife go out of our way to take what we have seriously. Our commitment is pure; she’s my best friend, my confidant, lover, and the woman I can laugh and be playful with. My wife trusts me. She believes in me, desires me sexually and I am sexually attracted to her. I’ve had eyes for only my wife, and she’s made sure that sex is a priority in our marriage. She sees how hard I work for the family and encourages me on a daily basis. She does this in front of our children, friends and family a lot. My wife appreciates my every effort and I do same to her. I think we have the correct balance of deed and restraint when dealing with each other.

Image Credit: EJ

Let’s Talk To Rayowa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 107: Rayowa

DBM: Hi Rayowa. How would you describe yourself?

Rayowa: Omo Naija in the house

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rayowa: A 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rayowa: I want to do something different with you to unlock value. Let’s exchange information based on our understanding and experiences of things, situations and with people. I will ask you any question that I feel you would enjoy answering, and vice versa. It can be personal; it can be general. I will not hold back with the truth, and I am hoping you wouldn’t either?

DBM: What if I do not find a question enjoyable?

Rayowa: You tell me, and I will ask something different

DBM: Okay!

Rayowa: How old are you?

DBM: 38. You?

Rayowa: 45. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

DBM: Lol! I’d say 7 today. Tell me a little about Nigeria

Rayowa: Nigeria is a developing country, with its capital being Abuja. We run the Federal Presidential Republic type of government. Our currency is the Naira, and English is the official language spoken. There are other languages such as Hausa, Yoruba, Igbo and Fulani. We have a population of about 215 million people. The Nigerian knows how to survive and excel in all circumstances, reason why ‘Naija no dey carry last’, meaning, Nigeria never would come last. I’ve been taught to marry well, amass as many degrees as possible, and earn enough money so I can take care of my parents in their old age. I am also to do way better than my parents – in every way or form. The mortality rate of the country is high due to AIDS. And just like any other country, crime is high in Nigeria. Even an individual wearing a police uniform can commit a violent crime so easily. 419 is another level of Nigerian-operated fraudulent schemes. Nigerians want to be respected at all cost because we are hardworking, we are super competitive. Nigerians are driven by societal statuses, and yes, we can be stubborn.

DBM: I see

Rayowa: What do men want?

DBM: I don’t know what men want

Rayowa: What do you want?

DBM: With respect to?

Rayowa: Love, relationship

DBM: I want someone who answers my every question honestly, and is willing to volunteer any form of information needed to be heard. I want a love-relationship that encourages growth and fidelity. I want my peace and quiet; I want to eat good, healthy meals and build a friendship worth keeping.

Rayowa: Your turn

DBM: What are the two good things you learned from your mother?

Rayowa: My mother did not settle at every turn in her life and love relationships when she was being treated like crap. She’s currently in her fourth marriage, and this has been her longest and happiest. Because of her, I know how to say ‘no’ to any situation that seeks to cheapen who I am. I will not take just anything simply because others think there is nothing better out there that could come my way. Just like my mum, I am worthy of something better; I am worthy of someone better.

DBM: That’s a good response

Rayowa: What two things did you learn from your father?

DBM: I wasn’t close with/to my dad; I still am not but I observed certain things about his way of life when I was younger. He would always pursue what he truly loved and believed in, rather than being trapped in an office doing things he didn’t so much enjoy. I have learned to do things I am truly excited about and amazingly good at; so far as it doesn’t feel like a job, I will never tire doing it. The second would be, living a simple life within my means. I never saw him judging himself based on other people’s values and metrics… Because he was never competing with anyone. It was never his style to show off to anyone to prove a point. He only did what he believed in, and was in competition with just himself to achieve his goals.

Rayowa: I love that

DBM: What is the one exciting thing in your life right now?

Rayowa: I recently enrolled as a PhD student at the University of Oxford, after many attempts of applying for PhD scholarships. I am very happy and proud of myself right now.

DBM: Congratulations!

Rayowa: Thank you, Dave. Do you think a man is worth fighting for?

DBM: What type of man?

Rayowa: The type one is in love with

DBM: I don’t ‘fight’, it’s draining and too much work/stress.

Rayowa: You’ve never fought for something you believe in?

DBM: I have, and that was when I didn’t know any better. Today, I only will ‘fight’ for the right side – which is obviously my side.

Rayowa: You will not fight for a love that once made you feel good?

DBM: ‘Once made you feel good’. Question is, what has changed now?

Rayowa: Say, there is a hidden competition for his attention somewhere else

DBM: No! I only believe in investing in people the best way possible. If they don’t/can’t do the same for you, you let go. The reason why I don’t engage in ‘fights’ is because it involves a win by either getting beaten or beating someone else down. At this point in my life, my energy and focus are solely on figuring out what drives true joy from within me. I will let you go if you don’t think what we share is that special to cherish.

Rayowa: Just like that?

DBM: Just like that!

Rayowa: Even if he makes me happy?

DBM: If he was making you happy, you wouldn’t be thinking of doing any and everything to have him in your life. If you love him, and want the relationship that bad, he should be choosing you too. You don’t fight for his attention all by yourself; it’s supposed to be a side-by-side interest genuinely expressed by the both of you. He should be deserving of you as much as you think you deserve him.

Rayowa: It’s your turn

DBM: What am I not asking you that I should?

Rayowa: I don’t know how to keep my husband for myself

DBM: Is your husband showing you all the respect, consistency and depth that you know you deserve in the marriage?

Rayowa: Not really. And he’s become so unreasonable to even talk to lately. I feel like I have done more than he deserves

DBM: If you’re to stand back and take account of your husband’s deeds, he should be the best representation of what’s in your very best interest. You’re not built to break in a fight for a man; you’re here to fight for what you believe is due you. You’re in a position to see your husband as a man worth fighting for if you represent the woman, he believes is worth fighting for as well.

Rayowa: Dave, I have been a good wife to my husband

DBM: It’s still irrelevant if all he leaves on your heart is a scar. I would entreat you to pray for the Wisdom of GOD to know whether or not your husband is the right man for you; because some wins aren’t even worth the scars in the long run.

Image Credit: Joshua Mcknight

Let’s Talk To Zuri

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 106: My name is Zuri

DBM: Hello Zuri. How would you describe yourself?

Zuri: I know who I am, I know what my priorities are in life; I know what I want and need, I love the woman that I am because I stay true to myself.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Zuri: Eight, I think

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Zuri: I grew up with two mothers and my father. This is the story behind their arrangement; my birth mother was the best friend of my father’s wife. Apparently, when the couple were ready to start a family, his wife could not get pregnant. They had tried conventional methods by having frequent sex during her fertile window, etc. Six years passed in their marriage with no cry of a baby. The wife of my dad complained to my mother and she offered to carry his baby for her. I still do not understand the details and nature of their friendship, but I know the three of them have been sharing the same bedroom for as long as I can remember. My mother is not married to my father but they’re one big family. I am the only child of my parents

DBM: How old are you?

Zuri: 27 years

DBM: What goes through your mind when you see all three of your parents enter their bedroom?

Zuri: I used to think all families were like mine because I had never known anything different. But when I first found out most families consisted of just two parents (father and mother), I thought it was abnormal because that wasn’t my experience.

DBM: Abnormal, how?

Zuri: The father-mother only relationship, because I am used to Father, mother and his wife

DBM: How would you describe your dad?

Zuri: He is my first love. He is hardworking, strict, silly sometimes; he’s maintained a safe and open home for all of us; he is very charitable, and I believe his perspective and personality together have contributed to who I am today.

DBM: Describe your birth-mother

Zuri: Mum is persistent and tenacious. She is passionate about other things and people but not about me. She’s in love with my father and will not let anyone walk all over him and get away with it. She is driven, and very intelligent. She will tell you, ‘No’, and mean it but also would deliver when she promises to do something. She can be a hurricane and tornado when provoked. My mother, I’d say is the representation of what bravery and resilience mean. The only person I think she’s allowed to see her vulnerability, is my father. She’s never wanted children, according to my father’s wife… So, I am not surprised she’s not been so much of a mother to me.

DBM: What has she been to you then, if she’s not been a mother-figure?

Zuri: More of a friend or an Aunt

DBM: How would you describe your father’s wife?

Zuri: I hope you have time for this one, because I do not even know where to begin. 😊She’s the mother I never had. She’s also the proof that true love does exist. She’s loved me without questions. She’s loved me with no bounds. She’s loved me without reservations. The love that she’s shown me to be springing from her heart can be trusted, and I find comfort in the truth that, no matter what, her love will remain by my side because it’s meant for just me. Her love for me is absolute, it’s steadfast and certain. She loves me more than she loves my dad.

DBM: Why do you think your birth mother isn’t that much into you?

Zuri: According to my father’s wife, my dad wanted his marriage to be exciting, and didn’t want to lose their sense of fun after having children. She desperately wanted to be a mother, and my birth-mother badly wanted to hang out with my father. When it dawned on my second mother that she was having trouble getting pregnant, she allowed the burden of it to push the fun in their marriage to take the backseat. She realized how much my mother was fond of my dad, and suggested he rather tried having a child with her. The three of them came to a consensus, and it seems to have worked for all parties involved. Everybody has what they want the most.

DBM: Is your father’s wife happy?

Zuri: I make her happy. I’ve also read jealousy in the way she sometimes stares at my mum, when she’s making my dad laugh out loud. My dad gives my mum more attention and hangs out with her a lot. He gives his wife attention but cannot be compared to the time he spends with my mother.

DBM:  What’s your relationship status?

Zuri: I am dating

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Zuri: It’s been two years

DBM: Has your parents’ relationship taught you anything?

Zuri: My father is always happy and looks his best when he’s with my mother. He laughs more. He jokes a lot, and is hardly in a bad mood. He looks good, alive and energetic when he sees my mother, and he’s more giving and kinder towards his wife and me because of whatever my mother does with him in bed. One mistake I don’t want to make is to assume that, having explicit fun with my man isn’t something of importance. From the little I have witnessed at home and my own experience with my boyfriend, life should be about great, exciting times with a man. Most men hate it, and would eventually get bored if we fail to prioritize having crazy fun in our relationships or marriages.

DBM: What do you think is sustaining your parents’ union?

Zuri: My dad is always saying both women give him the respect due him. He loves the fact that his wife is an excellent cook and a nurturer/mother to me. She gives him peace and understands his intentions for the family. My mother on the other hand is the vital element connecting all three of them as one. She’s the game changer, the slut, the wife, and the other-woman. She’s also career-driven and supports the home financially. This takes the workload off my dad.

DBM: I see

Zuri: One woman can be all that my mother and my father’s wife are to him

DBM: I agree. But then again, it’s also important to protect your own joy; protect your peace

Zuri: Can you explain?

DBM: I know people who have accommodated all sorts of behaviors in their men, simply because they want to be in a relationship with them. The fear of being alone scares them so much, they are willing to compromise on their values and how they’d want to be treated in a relationship – just to have a man in their lives. I know people who would justify just any bad behavior in their significant other so they’re liked and wanted by them

Zuri: That’s not me

DBM: Good to know! It’s always best not to ignore your needs while in the process of putting that of those you love first.

Zuri: Yeah!

DBM: Do you love your boyfriend?

Zuri: Fiercely

DBM: I’m happy for you

Zuri: I am happy for me too

DBM: Do you know what your grandparents, from all three sides, make of your parents’ living arrangement?

Zuri: I know my mother leaves the house whenever any of my dad’s or his wife’s relatives visit the house. They also kept the news of my birth from everyone until I was nine months old. I wasn’t born in Ghana, and we stayed overseas for almost a year, after my birth.

DBM: So, your extended family from your father and his wife’s side think you are the daughter of his wife?

Zuri: Yes

DBM: At what age did they tell you about the truth?

Zuri: When I was 13 years old

DBM: Did you understand it then?

Zuri: I did

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Iury Bessa

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