Exploring Gray Areas

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Dave, no judgement. We know you. You think every black man is up to no good. That was just by the way. There was a time in my life that I had to be tilting the screen of my phone away from my wife anytime she walked by. A lot was happening on the apps on my phone that I didn’t want her to see. I had to be changing my passwords often because she was getting suspicious. It got to that point where privacy suddenly meant everything to me. I was in the wrong for having all these cheating tools hiding in plain sight.

I didn’t know she had installed Spynger and Eyezy to track activities on my phone, computer and cloud. She had access to all my SMS messages, call logs, photos, files and even my location. Things and contacts I had deleted, she had access to all. Dave, I work in IT, and mSpy had been installed and running quietly in the background, monitoring my social media posts, messages, friend lists, people I followed or chat with and I didn’t have a clue.
She gathered her evidence before confronting me. I didn’t have much to say because everything she was showing me did happen. She did not talk to me for two weeks. I came home from work one day and she told me she was no longer interested in having a monogamous relationship with me anymore. She wanted us to agree on guidelines that allowed us to screw or have emotional relations outside of our marriage. This is not an arrangement I was in favor of, but because I messed up first, I couldn’t fight it.
I asked if it was going to be purely sexual or we were allowed to look for emotional intimacy and she said she didn’t care. ‘Whatever happens, happens’. That was her response.

I also asked if we were going to play outside our marriage individually or together and she said individually. Dave, I love my wife and children and I do not want to raise my kids in two separate homes. That is why I was willing to allow her proposition in the first place, so she could even the score. I asked my wife how long she wanted the set-up to last so we could put the past behind us and get back to where we left off. She said the new arrangement was going to be our new normal. I’ve been thinking about this for sometime and have been wondering whether she’s opting for it because she already has someone in mind or she’s just not happy with our marriage?

I want to keep an open mind while I consider her offer. Though this might be the perfect opportunity for me to think outside the box about what more I might want sexually that I was afraid to ask previously, this eventually could also be the end of us if we are to open this door to explore the gray areas.

Image Credit: Sherman Trotz

Someone Someone Hugs

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Dave, it’s my turn to share my love story. I have been married for 14 good years. Before I got married, I was spending more of my time with people who were either twice or thrice my age, despite being in my 30’s. And for some strange reason, I couldn’t get along well with people my age. I felt I was missing something anytime I was in the company of my peers. I found conversations with people in my generation boring and uninspiring.

I met my wife through her grandfather. He was my former teacher in Senior Secondary School. I had moved to a new neighborhood and I found out from an old school mate that he lived in the area. He was my economics teacher. He could not remember who I was but he was one of my favorite teachers. We connected somehow, and he introduced me to some of his circle of friends. I was invited to their weekend gatherings and activities, and over time, became friends with all of them.

I loved hearing them share their work experiences with me and how they were living as retirees. When it came to the subject of love and relationship, I learned a whole lot from their stories. Their individual choices, decisions and affairs intrigued me. They had lived their best and worst lives and had dealt with their fair share of the consequences thence. Because I was interested in everything they had to say, they shared all the life advice they felt I needed to hear.

I was at work one day when I got a call from a lady. “My grandfather has been diagnosed with cancer”. She introduced herself and asked if I could come to the hospital. I got to know at the hospital it was the last-stage cancer because it had gone undetected for years. He was scheduled to go for surgery to get the tumor removed and I had to be the one reassuring his only granddaughter. She felt so dejected because her grandpa was very healthy at his age. There was no assurance given that he would come out alive.

My phone rang one midnight and for the first time in my adult life, I felt that empty pit of severe ache in my stomach. She had confirmed my biggest fear. Her grandfather was gone. Dave, I was unprepared for her bereavement because I didn’t know anything about her. I only knew her grandfather. I rushed to the hospital to support her while she waited in pain for her parents to arrive from Krobo Odumase.

There was nothing I could do or say at that moment to make her stop crying. I walked to her, held her in my arms for so long, and then hugged her so tight. Her eyes locked on me gently while I held her close, doing the best I could to calm her fears away. It was that one act of hugging away her tears and grief that it dawned on me; I wanted to be someone that someone wants to hug. Dave, imagine you knew that lady you briefly locked eyes with at the hospital was actually praying for a man like you to come into her life?

I married her because she knew how to be honest with me without hurting my feelings. She also gives really good hugs. She lets me eat off of her plate. I can be myself around her. Her personality is genuine. She’s smart and brings me closer to God. And the best part, we can have fun doing absolutely nothing. I also realized later on, she was the first person I wanted to look at when I woke up in the morning. I can confidently tell you today that for the past 14 years, anytime I am about to leave the house, I hug my wife for a whole minute. And when I return home, she hugs me for a minute before we talk about anything else.

Image Credit: Polina Tankilevitch 

Make An Offer

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David, I have been married to Sefakor for 10 years. We talked about the possibility of a marriage when we were dating. I have to admit that there were times I doubted our relationship. There were times that I strongly felt like it could work. The marriage I have today, 10 years later looks very much different from the marriage I thought I was going to have with my wife when we were boyfriend-girlfriend. I was the fast and furious type. A fuckboy who could masquerade as a woman’s prince charming, develop strong connection and feelings, only for the flame to fizzle out after I had a bite or two.

Right from day 1 when we first met, she made me understand that she wasn’t going to subject herself to any kind of unhappy situationship with me. She wasn’t going to waste her time with a man who did not deem it fit to earn and keep her trust. Dave, this was Day 1, and I hadn’t even suggested anything to the tune of me liking her. The women I used to chase were the types I could tell something today, and then do something entirely different tomorrow, and would get away with it. Sefakor’s encounter with me the first day I laid eyes on her left me scratching my head in confusion.

I was so confused and found the whole conversation funny, I left her office to my car, sat in the car for about 20 minutes laughing at myself. The next thing I realized, I had gone back to her office to ask for her number. The player in me felt challenged to come up with an optimal strategy, a clever way not to date her but rather maximize the likelihood of satisfaction. At least I thought I had such a formula.

I called her the following evening, talked for about an hour on the phone and then asked her out on a date. Before agreeing to our first date she asked if I was also talking to other women. I lied initially but she demanded an honest answer. I told her ‘Yes’. She followed up with, “how many women”? And of course, I lied about the number. They were five in total but told her two. She asked if I had gone on any dates with the ladies and I affirmed.  It was our first date. Although I knew she was incredibly gorgeous from our encounter in her office, this was going to be my first time of looking at her from a lustful appetite point of view.

There she came into the restaurant, slim, tall curvaceous. I nodded towards my direction and she joined me at the table. The moment she sat down she laid all her cards on the table. She wanted me to treat our first date as a job interview. Since I had mentioned, I was talking to two other women, she was presenting herself as the third candidate being interviewed to be my personal secretary. She actually made me imagine our date as a job interview. Her conditions were, at the end of our date/interview, I should have made a decision whether or not to give her the job. If I could not make a decision I could stand by with my full chest, then there wasn’t going to be any further conversations between us.

I thought it was an unfair pressure but she had a point. I wasn’t committed to any of the other women by that time I was on the date/interview with my sixth candidate. We spent close to four hours talking and getting to know each other. When we were done with the interview-date, I had to make an offer or move on. Dave, do you believe in love at first sight? It’s crazy mehn! That night, I knew I had so much respect for Sefakor. Even the way I talked to her with respect, I wanted to handle her so carefully. These past 10 years, my wife allowed me to be who I was and allowed me to grow for myself. She did not force growth and change on me. My sixth candidate was the last candidate I ever interviewed. I offered the job to her because my plan was to date for the fun of it but Sefakor met me with so much substance.

Image Credit: Terrillo Walls

Healed

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I am a senior and a big fan of your Facebook community. I do not comment on your posts but I read everything you share. I want to speak to the young ladies who come to you with their stories. I remember the first time I found out my late husband was having an affair. I remember the first time he denied the affair when I confronted him. I recall the night he made a decision to leave me. He did not divorce me; he just packed out one evening and never returned home. I could not fully comprehend his decision. I could not understand what his actions made me experience at that time.

I had done nothing wrong to him to deserve that level of rejection and abandonment, yet I was the one waking up at dawn, screaming and crying. I was filled with so many emotions. The mixture was a bit of shock, anger, fear, guilt and shame. Our nine-year-old daughter was the one who would hear me crying, and come running into my bedroom to comfort me as I wept against her shoulder. My daughter could not understand why I felt broken in many ways and couldn’t be strong for her. I felt so let down, because I had given years of my life to a man who didn’t see the reason in fighting for our marriage in the end.
I loved my late husband. I cared about him and wanted the best for him. I gave him everything a woman in love could lay at the feet of her man. When our daughter turned 22, she asked her father why he left me. He assured her he was in a reasonably, emotionally healthy relationship and marriage with me. He told his daughter how much he loved me, cared about me, and had no desire to hurt me the way he did. So, I was right when I stated I did nothing wrong to the best of my knowledge. She asked her father why he left us and he confessed that he wanted to explore a repressed part of himself. The core of who he was, was he liked being with other people. And being married constrained him.

He was curious about what his life could have been if he had chosen a different path. He also told her he initially felt I wasn’t meeting his every need and desire in the marriage. My girl asked whether all of his affair partners managed to meet his standards, and his answer was no. What he kept saying was, he felt he deserved more. David, when I vowed on our wedding day to be faithful to my late husband, I was indirectly saying I was willing to sacrifice all other better options out there and the pleasures thereof, to and for our marriage. What my husband did instead, was to view fidelity as something to be worked around.

He also made the attempt to make our daughter believe cheating is built into the fabric of the male psyche. That is a lie I want every woman reading my submission to stop hearing or believing. My daughter got married when she turned 29. She divorced her ex-husband at the age of 32. Like my late husband, he was also of the belief that the grass is always greener. And because he couldn’t bring himself to scar my baby girl by asking for divorce, he intentionally let my daughter discover his infidelity, so she could do his dirty work for him. They would rather deal with the shame of being caught, than try to explain why the marriage isn’t working for them.

My late husband left me when he was 36 years. He died when he was 51. I got married again when I was 52. I am 76 and still married to my wonderful husband. My daughter got married again at the age of 37. She was a mother of two. She’s still married to her second husband.
This is what I told my daughter when she was 31 years old and at that point, cohabitating with her ex-husband. Do not mistaken a man who is offering you breadcrumbs for a feast. Being disrespected in any form is not the kind of behaviour you should expect from any man. The woman you are is not a decorated figure, in the name of a wife who is just there, waiting on her man while he sows his wild oats. Do not put your relevance, self-worth and healing in the hands of any man who chooses to drop, break and hurt you. If he could shatter you that easily without care, then you are not waiting on him to also put you back together.

Image Credit: Elly Shots

Let’s Talk To Unathi

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 190: Name is Unathi

DBM: Hello Unathi. How would you describe yourself?

Unathi: My stomach is full, my balls are empty

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Unathi: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Unathi: I want to share my experience in marriage. I’ve been married to Sbusiso for 12 years. And in all the years we’ve been together, he’s poured his love into me every moment. I’ve never been adored from head to toe like he adores me. He loves me to the extent that I know I am not alone in this. Love that confirms to me every day, that I am a part of something way bigger than myself. Our future looks bright, our dreams look interesting because it has the potential to come true. Our journey, though not always smooth, has been rewarding.

DBM: That is nice to know. How did you meet?

Unathi: I knew his cousin and he had been trying to get us together. The cousin invited me to his graduation dinner, and had simultaneously invited over Sbusisso too. That was how we first met. He made us sit side-by-side at the restaurant and practically, forced us to talk.

DBM: Hehehe!

Unathi: Actually, when he walked in, I recognized him immediately because his cousin had told me a lot about him. I had also seen pictures of them together.

DBM: Was he the type you usually would go for?

Unathi: No!

DBM: You knew this prior to meeting him?

Unathi: I did!

DBM: Interesting

Unathi: He wasn’t unattractive. He just wasn’t the type I found attractive.

DBM: Understood!

Unathi: Also, I had made a decision to adjust my standards and be willing to get to know him as a person. Five minutes into our conversation, I discovered I had a belly laugh that could grow with each second he tried to be really funny. That was the first ‘something’ I noticed to find physically appealing and attractive about him. How he made me smile and laugh. I liked his smile. I liked his laugh.

DBM: If you could change anything about the way you were set up to meet your husband, what would it be?

Unathi: I would change the context of the meeting. We were at a graduation dinner, with a lot of his family and friends. I would have preferred the two of us alone at the table instead.

DBM: You liked him already?

Unathi: I started connecting on an emotional level in less than an hour of meeting him. In that moment, I knew the rest could fall into place.

DBM: Attraction does grow with time.

Unathi: That is true

DBM: I’m very proud of you for giving a man you usually wouldn’t go for a chance to know you.

Unathi: One of the best decisions I ever made in life. I have been pleasantly surprised and been loved in a way that still makes me feel like, I am the only one in the world who truly matters to him.

DBM: Do you feel you are in love with who your husband is right now as a whole? Or you’re only that much into his good side, and maybe, his potential and, or the overall idea of him?

Unathi: Firstly, I wouldn’t have gone for a skinny, bald man, who is my height or a bit even shorter. I liked them tall, dark, thick, very well built and manly. My husband is the total opposite of what I go for physically, in features. But none of it mattered in less than an hour of talking to him. He calmed my fears that, I was bold enough to request for a real date. Something about the way he talked to my spirit sowed a seed of happiness and fulfillment in me that I never expected. I’m okay with the man Sbusiso, and I love the shit out of him.

DBM: In other words, you’re not settling for what you deserve?

Unathi: I’m fighting for what I know I do deserve: A good man who loves me to the end.

DBM: What is something that surprised you about falling in love?

Unathi: I used to think love alone formed the foundation of a marriage. Now, I know respect rather is its cornerstone. Had the respect between me and my husband not been mutual, our pillars of trust, understanding and communication would have crumbled by now. Mind you, I am not the easiest guy to live with, and that alone bypasses explanation.

DBM: What does a happy marriage look like to you?

Unathi: A bond that consists of true love, understanding, respect and resilience, nurtured now for the future. That is the promise we make at home every day, to stand by one another.

DBM: What do you remember most about the first time you had sex with Sbusiso?

Unathi: Eina! It was a horror movie.

DBM: Lol!

Unathi: Picture this: First Blood, 1972. Sylvester Stallone as John Rambo, bending to take a dick.

DBM: You’re funny! Lol!

Unathi: I’m serious! I’m a top, my husband is a top. And because the love was new and felt good, we did not pay attention to our sexual needs before falling in love and agreeing to be in a relationship.

DBM: Was it that difficult a subject to discuss?

Unathi: It was. I almost admitted it was a mistake, and was ready to move on to find someone who could be more compatible with me.

DBM: How did you find a way around it?

Unathi: We had a long talk and came up with ideas. My first suggestion was for us to get a submissive bottom to play with. A guy to be used and shared. Sbusiso was against it. My second idea was for us to find a third party that was a bottom and have 3-somes together. Again, he wasn’t open to it. He wasn’t willing for us to break up, and so he suggested alternatively fucking each other in the ass. I had that in mind already but I wasn’t going to be the first to suggest it to him.

DBM: Were you open to it?

Unathi: Yes

DBM: ‘Yes’ because you actually wanted to try bottoming or it was the cleanest avenue to do it in order to finally say ‘no’?

Unathi: I loved him so much, I wanted to try to become verse. He was willing to do same for me because he cared about me. But I wanted to top him so bad, I flipped a coin thinking heads would surface in my favor, only for me to be the first to bottom.

DBM: Lol!

Unathi: But he was slow and gentle. He lubed me up well, while he teased, fingered and sucked me to get me in the mood. I was by this time so horny; he entered and made me whole. That was one of my best orgasms ever. It was jol all day-all-night. Since then, we’ve been taking turns during sex.

DBM: Have you ever cheated on your husband?

Unathi: No

DBM: Has he ever cheated on you?

Unathi: Not that I know of, no!

DBM: What’s one way you think you’ve changed since you met your husband?

Unathi: I’ve become more aware and intentional, not just of my husband’s needs but those around me. I’m less stupid and scared or afraid to see what is in front of me in the present – so I don’t miss the hints and opportunities to them. I used to also fear disagreements but my husband has taught me how to face them head-on. In fact, whenever we quarrel and he’s even in the right, he is never interested in winning the argument but rather growing together from the experience with me. I’ve learned prioritizing harmony over proving a point.

DBM: That is strong. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

Unathi: Any time

DBM: 😊

Image Credit: Uriel Mont 

Let’s Talk To Osaze

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 189: Osaze

DBM: Hello Osaze. How would you describe yourself?

Osaze: A beautiful woman with lips like petals, soft and inviting

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Osaze: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Osaze: My husband is emotionally unavailable to me. He is married to his job, and because of that we argue over every little issue I find crappy. He goes to work early and stays out late on the regular.

DBM: Work should not be the detriment to a relationship

Osaze: Same thing I said. Dinner is always cooked and ready when he gets home from work late. He wouldn’t talk about the food or show any interest in my day. He only launches into how his workday was, and wouldn’t stop talking about work and other people. He cannot make time for me at home; he’s either on his phone or laptop.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Osaze: 7 years

DBM: Was he always a workaholic?

Osaze: Prior to marriage?

DBM: Aha!

Osaze: No, not like this. He was hardworking but not busy

DBM: Were you important to him before you got married?

Osaze: He made time for me

DBM: How much time?

Osaze: He used to call, text, take me out and spend quality time with me

DBM: Have you discussed these concerns with him?

Osaze: I have and the vibe he gave was that, he wouldn’t be too disappointed if I left him

DBM: Most men naturally would be the best versions of themselves for the women they want. A man will shut down if he doesn’t want you anymore.

Osaze: My husband has shut down

DBM: I only have one question, are you comfortable being just a place holder in his life? Because such men only have time for you when they are ready

Osaze: No!

DBM: He’s shown you the roadmap. Can you live with it?

Osaze: I cannot.

DBM: Do you have a timeline to his change in character?

Osaze: Four years ago, he returned from work around 8:30 pm and was smelling. Dave, it was pretty bad. My husband is the type that would repeat the shirts he wears to work. I used to take it upon myself to do his laundry but he hates ironing, so he’s always choosing the easier route: wearing whatever he’s worn in the past days. He jumped on the bed that evening and initiated sex. I refused and insisted he took his bath. That was the beginning of everything going wrong.

DBM: I do not see the wrong in your action. You were teaching him the importance of cleanliness. I will not have sex with a partner who does not bath or brush their teeth

Osaze: Dave, this guy sometimes will not even brush his teeth because he believes the mouthwash was created for a similar purpose. He can be so unpleasant and I cringe when I have to smell his body odor in the evenings on our bed. He expects to be given a blowjob, knowing very well I complain about how sticky and gross his junk becomes when he’s not taken a bath after work.

DBM: Have you tried showering together to get him clean?

Osaze: He comes home late. I cannot always be waiting for him to return before retiring to bed. I work too. I attend to the children, and it gets tiring sometimes

DBM: How is his sense of smell?

Osaze: My husband can have his eyes locked on me talking about something, while absent-mindedly scratching his junk because his balls itch. He would smell his fingers, make a disgusting face, smile, and then use those same unwashed hands to eat.

DBM: 😊

Osaze: I’ve bought him quality boxer-briefs to solve these problems but he keeps wearing briefs he’s worn for days and would be sliding his hand down his pans.

DBM: Some of the briefs we wear do not necessarily solve the hand-down problem. Our penises can be stubborn in our underpants. They can slug awkwardly to the left or right and would need adjusting or a tweak to position it in the comfortable place.

Osaze: I get it, but sometimes I feel like there is no reason for my husband to be grabbing his jewels in public while standing. It’s embarrassing when he does that with a boner. He thinks I am a nag when I complain about these things

DBM: A man cannot stand in public doing nothing while his tent is pitched for the eyes of people. We will always tuck the erect crouch up into the waistband of our underwear and trousers so preying eyes wouldn’t easily tell the difference. It’s a necessity, unfortunately.

Osaze: What do I do about my main problem?

DBM: You are not happy in your relationship.

Osaze: I am not!

DBM: If I am not happy about my relationship with someone, I reevaluate it.

Osaze: How? Because I have tried talking about it with him but he doesn’t seem to care

DBM: If he is choosing not to care, then do not make him a priority when all you are to him is an option. Prioritizing marriage means making the feelings, hopes and dreams of a partner as important as your own. Marriage is all about making comfortable and uncomfortable compromises and lifting each other up.

Osaze: I am tired of cleaning up after him

DBM: Many women do their best to clean up after their messy spouses but it’s a difficult task to get a messy man to see the error of their ways, especially if that’s what makes sense to him.

Osaze: Should I kiss him if I’ve been denying him sex?

DBM: Do not kiss him unless he’s brushed his teeth. Mouthwash alone in the mouth doesn’t cut it. It’s actually gross

Osaze: Okay!

DBM: Participant 188, Beata, left a question for you: ‘Discus infertility in a marriage where both the man and woman want to have a child but are infertile?’

Osaze: Infertility places stress on a couple. My suggestion would be not allowing your reactions to situations to be emotionally charged. I believe in patience and making of allowances for the inevitable. Childlessness is a process, do not force any deadlines

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Osaze: What do you look and sound like when sex feels so good?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Dziana Hasanbekava

Let’s Talk To Beata

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 188: My name is Beata

DBM: Hi Beata. How would you describe yourself?

Beata: I am a dedicated, laid back, thoughtful but tired mother and wife.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Beata: Six, I think for today

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Beata: I am a single mom of two. My children are 11 and nine years old. My husband is also a single father but his kids are grown. This is our second year in marriage and my children are begging me to take them out of his house. He has very strict house rules for the kids and they are now telling me they aren’t happy at home and they miss their father.

DBM: How old is your husband?

Beata: 49

DBM: How old are you?

Beata: 37

DBM: You had your children with one man?

Beata: Yes. He died a few years ago. We were married for four years.

DBM: What are some of the house rules making your children feel uncomfortable?

Beata: They’re not allowed to spend more than 10 minutes in the bathroom; the house is supposed to be silent at all times; they’re not allowed to go out and play with their friends after school; they’re to stay in their rooms and study after dinner; no TV, no video games, no friends coming over to visit them.

DBM: Why all these restrictions?

Beata: He says, children are not supposed to be given an inch, else they would take a mile

DBM: Do you believe that?

Beata: No!

DBM: Have you expressed your views to him?

Beata: I have tried but he says his house, his rules

DBM: How is his relationship towards you?

Beata: He is very caring and thoughtful. I believe my husband loves me very much because he treats me like his only chick. He makes me his top priority.

DBM: What are your priorities?

Beata: My children come first, and my husband knows that.

DBM: What were the dynamics like – when you first started dating?

Beata: He was very cool with my children, to be honest. He talked to them, joked with them, helped them with assignments from school, took us out to eat; he played with them and hardly made any attempt to be their father. He was that cool Uncle to them. Also, I was very busy with work and personal activities.

DBM: What changed?

Beata: That’s the same question I’ve been asking myself

DBM: When did he start being strict?

Beata: I noticed it in November, 2023, but my children are saying he changed when we moved in with him.

DBM: When did you all move in to his house?

Beata: After our engagement

DBM: How long after your engagement did you get married?

Beata: Four months

DBM: Did you at least discuss family roles prior to moving in with your children?

Beata: Not that I remember

DBM: Is it a house you both purchased?

Beata: No! He owns it.

DBM: Do you like how he’s treating your children?

Beata: No!

DBM: Have you told him that?

Beata: No!

DBM: Why not?

Beata: I don’t think he’s a bad father. He’s just strict

DBM: But your children are not happy

Beata: I know

DBM: Does that not concern you?

Beata: It does but I was thinking, wives have to love their husbands first, and more than their children.

DBM: When the children are his biological kids, no?

Beata: Not entirely

DBM: You said your children come first

Beata: They still do. What I am saying is I love my husband well so our love can provide the stable base for the kind of family we want.

DBM: How do your kids address him?

Beata: Uncle, followed by his first name.

DBM: I see. Are your children respectful?

Beata: Yes

DBM: Do you believe your husband is doing his very best for your children to be happy in their new home?

Beata: I don’t know!

DBM: Do you believe he is doing his very best for you and your children?

Beata: Yes

DBM: That’s all that matters

Beata: Are you sure? How would you advise your sister if she were in my shoes?

DBM: I’d ask my sister the hard questions

Beata: Ask me

DBM: Why did you marry your husband?

Beata: To be honest, my husband is a good father-figure. All his children are doing very well for themselves. He is intelligent and successful. He is a good provider, and knows how to balance discipline and consequence.

DBM: Did you marry him because you’re in love with him? That was my question

Beata: No! The man I was in love with had no parenting experience, and could not have been able to take care of me and my children. I did not want my children to lose out. I chose to rather lose out on love, so I can be loved by the one who could take care of me and my children.

DBM: Thank you for your candor. It’s sad, but that’s your truth.

Beata: What do you really think of my decision?

DBM: I think it was selfish of you to choose a man under the false pretense of making him believe you’re in love with him. I do not see marriage as a scheme to replace a dead father in your kids’ lives.

Beata: David, you don’t know how it feels to be a parent with so many responsibilities on your head.

DBM: I do!

Beata: Okay, but you don’t know how it feels like to be a single mother with no one to assist you

DBM: I know how to be a man, and I am telling you – it does not matter whether or not a man has children, so far as he is kind and can be trusted, so far as he is committed to you and everything that concerns you, so far as he can be flexible and thoughtful, with or without money, can do right by you and your children. What every good and decent man out there is doing right now is maintaining a loving and stable home for his partner and their children, if any, with the little or more that they have to their name.

Beata: Ok!

DBM: Participant 187, Xaiden, left a question for you: ‘x2x +19=16x’

Beata: I am sorry but I cannot solve this equation

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Beata: Discus infertility in a marriage where both the man and woman want to have a child but are infertile?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Nappy

Let’s Talk To Xaiden

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 187: Xaiden

DBM: Hello Xaiden. How would you describe yourself?

Xaiden: Husband and dad

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Xaiden: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Xaiden: I am in love with my wife but I feel my wife only loves the fact that I love her. I seriously think my wife only loves my love for her but not me. Am I making sense to you? The woman is not in love with me as a person. She just likes how my love for her makes her feel.

DBM: How does your love make her feel?

Xaiden: How do I even explain this: I treat my wife better than my mother, children, siblings, friends, other women. My wife is my first priority. She knows I factor her in every decision I make. I tell her every day, how much I think of her. I check on my wife everyday when I am not home; I anticipate her every need. I do not talk down at her; I notice her dressing and compliment her beauty. She knows she’s secure with me. I keep her safe and comfortable.

DBM: You sound like a responsible man. Her heart seems to be in good hands

Xaiden: That is what I am trying to say, she knows all this and likes it but she is not interested in me as a person.

DBM: Who fell in love first in your relationship?

Xaiden: I did. I committed faster than she did

DBM: So, she did commit to you at a point?

Xaiden: I don’t know. Meanwhile, in the past when I wasn’t so serious about relationships and girls, they chased me and would go all crazy about me. Now that I have chosen to invest my heart and energy in my marriage and relationship, she’s rather losing interest.

DBM: Has she verbalized her loss of interest in you?

Xaiden: No, but I feel it

DBM: Okay! Your feelings are valid. You know her best

Xaiden: I do

DBM: How long have you been married?

Xaiden: 10 years

DBM: Do you at least, see any hope for your future together?

Xaiden: She might tag along for our children’s sake and the comfortable living I’m providing for the family. But she will not love me back.

DBM: Because …

Xaiden: I’m probably not the type she goes for.

DBM: How does this make you feel?

Xaiden: I’m pained bruh!

DBM: I’m very sorry about that

Xaiden: Hmmm!

DBM: What’s your attitude towards everything that’s going on?

Xaiden: I’ve been toying with a couple of ideas from my friends. I am considering going back to the dating pool.

DBM: As a single or married man?

Xaiden: Lol!

DBM: I believe your friends care about you, and their advice, no doubt, is well-intended but I think it’s a bit misguided.

Xaiden: Hmmm!

DBM: Will it make you stop yourself from still loving your wife?

Xaiden: I don’t know

DBM: I’d want to believe you are a good man, and I respect men like you. It’s a bittersweet experience to love and not be loved back but it is also an expression of your humanity as a whole. It’s a good thing to love your partner, so embrace it. Unreturned, though it may be, it needs not upset or hurt your feelings.

Xaiden: Easier said than done!

DBM: Not really! You cannot help but love your wife, and that’s also okay.

Xaiden: I feel like I am just wasting my time being with her.

DBM: Has she wronged you or the marriage, aside these observations?

Xaiden: No!

DBM: Almost six years of committing to and loving one person has thought me that, we cannot always make sense out of love. Love will not always be rational to us, thus, my reason for not expecting it to make sense to me all the time. In-as-much-as it will not always be the best of choice to make, it will be something we do because it does not just happen to us. Your wife may not be that much into you, but your love and respect for her, reveals in you, the man that you are.

Xaiden: She’s often tired when we make plans to have sex. Sex isn’t that frequent between us

DBM: Put the ball in her court for choosing the days she’d be less stressed to make time for you in the bedroom. If she cares about your needs as much as you say you do for her, she will make time.

Xaiden: My love language is physical touch. It’s not always about the sex. I feel loved when I am randomly hugging or touching or kissing. She’s not so open to that with me but she’s cool with her friends hugging and touching and giving pecks in the open.

DBM: Again, let her decide her level of intimacy when it comes to you. For now, back off a bit with your pressure. She knows who are. Continue being open and relaxed. She might, in time, start craving for your attention and willingly would mirror how your love makes her feel.

Xaiden: Another observation is that, she only pretends she loves me when she needs something. She acts lovey-dovey and would initiate sex when it’s convenient and never when I want her to.

DBM: I’m glad you’ve taken notice of all these hints. Unfortunately, many of us do not know how to hurt the feelings of those who have been good to us, with the truth. And so, we’d rather avoid the awkwardness of an actual conversation. Do not force someone who does not love you to love you.

Xaiden: Thank you, boss

DBM: Participant 186, Ame, left a question for you: ‘Why is the divorce rate so alarming lately and are we too “woke” as a generation to curb this menace?’

Xaiden: I think it’s because both men and women now have increased options. I got married because I felt I was supposed to, as man, but I am realizing I would have been way happier in a regular partnership, or relationship, and not necessarily in a marriage. I will be open to a divorce if my wife wants to.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Xaiden: x2x +19=16x

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Calvin Cowakces

Let’s Talk To Ame – Part II

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 186: It’s Ame again!!! 😂

DBM: Hi Ame. How would you describe yourself?

Ame: Hmmm! That is a rather interesting one: a woman who is in love and being loved on and has found her forever home.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ame: Now, I am hitting 100/10. Mehnnn!

DBM: Eish! Lol! What do you want to talk about?

Ame: I sincerely don’t have anything pressing to talk about: I have just met someone so amazing and I literally can’t share it with anyone close to me so I will rather share it with you and your followers. I just can’t keep calm about this man and all the emotions I am feeling.

DBM: Awww! How old is this guy, if I may ask?

Ame: He is in his late 40s.

DBM: Is he in the age bracket you prefer?

Ame: Yes, he sure is!

DBM: I am interested in knowing more about him, but let me ask a few personal, leading questions to guide me to him. I know many breakups are due to differing life visions. My first question is this: what is your vision, and does it complement his – to the best of your knowledge?

Ame: My vision for me after everything I have been through is to just live life, get a companion who understands me and see where life will take us. Marriage was never part of my plans because I feel one is enough. However, meeting him and listening to his vision and goals have changed a lot of things for me! Aside the fact that I am willing to try marriage with him again (bear in mind that this decision was not coerced but a natural consequence of our relationship), everything else ties in well with what I need for myself and what he also needs. We are like two peas in a pod and so alike eh, it seems we are one person in opposite bodies.

DBM: Is marriage for you? Or just being in a committed relationship is enough?

Ame: Initially, being in a committed relationship was more than enough but now… I can’t help the feeling of being in more than a committed relationship!

DBM: What would your friends say is your best quality?

Ame: My ability to love wholeheartedly and give my all to the one I love. I don’t play games with my love!

DBM: What is the most important thing to you in the world?

Ame: Aside my children, my goals and aspirations for my future and their future as well!

DBM: Would you say you have fallen in love?

Ame: Fallen k3… More than fallen oooo! I am even drowning in it!

DBM: Hehehehe! What do you want out of this relationship?

Ame: Apart from bearing his beautiful name and blending our families, I need, not want, I need for us to enjoy a beautiful happy life filled with the goodness of God and all good things that our association will bring to our lives. I need this relationship to be an epitome of what it means to have a second chance at love and to also serve as a reminder to those who think all is done that… God has not even started with you yet!

DBM: What is/are the most important quality/ies you found attractive in him?

Ame: Awwww! Let me just mention the basic ones because if I start, I won’t finish. Do you know what it means when someone sees you?

DBM: Tell me!

Ame: This man sees me and I don’t even need to say anything to him before it gets done. He is so calculated and thoughtful with everything he does. His humility is everything! His kindness is second to none and his love for me is the kind that makes you ask yourself whether this is really happening for you. Above all, his love for God is everything! A man that loves God should be everyone’s goal in life! I am not talking about a churchgoer; I am talking about someone who will pray with you and pray for you. Someone who believes in prayers and urges you to be prayerful!

DBM: How would you describe your heart? Is it open, partially closed, fearful or untrusting?

Ame: If I had locks and walls up, now they are open and broken down. You can’t have this person and not give your all!

DBM: Love looks and feels differently to different people. What does real love look like to you?

Ame: Real love cares about the other person and not self; real love is hard work and it is not a given; real love is service to the other person even when you are mad at each other.

DBM: How did you meet?

Ame: Hmmmm! It is a very interesting story for another day. However, we have been acquaintances for about 2 years now until one day, he sent me a random message on a status I made and that changed everything! 😊

DBM: What is the one thing about him that scares you?

Ame: His inability to say ‘No’ to people!

DBM: Explain

Ame: He is the type that will go to every length to make sure another person is comfortable. People, being people, naturally take that for granted.

DBM: Does he know and acknowledge this as a flaw?

Ame: He does and he is trying so hard to change that narrative… So far, there is steady progress and I am happy about that!

DBM: How did he officially ask you to be his girlfriend? I love proposal stories 🥰

Ame: Hehehehe! I guess I need to wait a while for that to happen. That has not officially happened yet… But he knows how important that singular act is to me!

DBM: He has not proposed?

Ame: No, he has not!

DBM: I see. Do you think love should always feel comfortable, or love ought to feel new and exciting?

Ame: Love is a journey that is not always smooth: from the beginning, it must feel comfortable, it must feel new and it must feel exciting. If a relationship, from the onset, does not share any of these qualities, you have no business pursuing it. But the hard work comes in as it progresses: challenges will come but how you handle it determines whether you will survive or not! If you know this, you will forever have peace. We have set out certain rules for how our relationship should go: foremost, you don’t go to bed mad at each other. If there is something you are unhappy about, voice it, let’s discuss and let go!

If you prefer to remain mad at the person a day after, that is your prerogative and you are entitled to it but don’t let it ruin a good day! Also, apologize when you are wrong and don’t try to defend it, no matter how tangible of an excuse you think you have. It eases anger quickly and helps you heal! So far, these have been working wonders for us! I don’t believe this comes with age but a decision to act maturely.

DBM: What makes you fall out of love?

Ame: Being taken for granted, being lied to and going days without checking up on me, especially when I have reached out and you promised to get back only for it to take you a week or more to do that! It just tells me I am not a priority…

DBM: Do you think knowing whether or not what you feel is love is dependent on how long you’ve known your guy?

Ame: Nope, not at all! If that is the case, the adage “Love at first sight” would not exist. 😂 Sometimes, the heart just knows what it wants and won’t lose any time when if finds it.

DBM: Agreed! Was it love at first sight with him?

Ame: Nope! Not at all! As stated earlier, we have been acquaintances for close to 2 years.

DBM: How long do you think it took before you knew you loved him?

Ame: It didn’t take 72hrs after we actually had a day conversation for me to realize that he can be the chosen one.

DBM: If you love someone, is cheating/unfaithfulness something that can be forgiven?

Ame: Very interesting question: I believe this actually depends on the person. There is not one-fit-all under such circumstances. Someone might forgive a cheating partner because he/she is thinking about other factors but some might never forgive. However, one thing that cheating does is that, even when you forgive, the betrayal changes the relationship in one way or the other. It taints the relationship and it is never the same again.

DBM: As a follow-up, would it be ‘forgive and forget’, ‘forgive but do not forget’, or ‘do not forgive at all’?

Ame: Anyone who does forgive and forget is a Saint! I know I can’t do that! I think I am more of a forgive but don’t forget kind of person and the one who does not forgive at all might as well end the relationship! 😂

DBM: Do you believe love changes people?

Ame: Oh yes, you should see me now! All the things I said I will not do because I did them for someone’s son and it took me nowhere, I am here nurturing a man all over again.

DBM: Lol!

Ame: On a more serious note, it makes you want to be a better person for your partner and if that person supports you, then you are on a path to becoming a better version of you!

DBM: Do you think people should change themselves to find love?

Ame: Hell to the no! How would you meet someone that genuinely loves you if you don’t present yourself. Well, many might want to change who they are to find love but I can never. Even when retuning to earth, naked you came, naked you will go, from dust to dust, my brother.

DBM: Participant 185, Plumb, left a question for you: ‘Will you fight for a relationship that you know is worth fighting for? Why?’

Ame: The key word is worth fighting for: I will gladly fight for that relationship with every fiber of my being but if I realize that the other person wants none of it, then I will let go. Remember, you both need to find it worthy to fight for!

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Ame: Why is the divorce rate so alarming lately and are we too “woke” as a generation to curb this menace?

DBM: Thank you!

Ame: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Rdne

Let’s Talk To Plumb

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 185: Plumb

DBM: Hello Plumb. How would you describe yourself?

Plumb: I don’t understand myself today

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Plumb: 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Plumb: November 2023, I drove my wife to the hospital because she was complaining about a sweltering sensation in her midsection. After a number of tests done on her they detected cancerous lesions. The doctor’s prognosis was that it was a terminal something. She’s currently stage 4. My wife became very weak in February, 2024, and we have not had sex since. In fact, our last sex was in December last year, before I first took her to the hospital. She’s not reacting too well to chemotherapy and watching her suffer breaks my heart. A few days ago, she suggested I find myself a girlfriend to meet my physical needs. I have never seen her like this before.

DBM: Seen her like what?

Plumb: Never seen her give up on herself

DBM: Because she suggested you find someone else to clear your hot?

Plumb: Not just that. She doesn’t think she’s going to beat the cancer. She’s been crying since December

DBM: How old is she?

Plumb: 41

DBM: What do you think your wife really wants for you?

Plumb: I don’t know! To be happy?

DBM: She also wants you to be yourself. She needs you to love her in your own way, since you’re both processing this scare

Plumb: I need to have sex again

DBM: You’ve not been with anyone since the news?

Plumb: No!

DBM: Have you been with anyone else prior to December?

Plumb: No!

DBM: How long have you been married?

Plumb: 5yrs

DBM: I see

Plumb: I feel like if I am to go ahead with what she’s suggesting, I would be the bad guy; and my conscience will fight me

DBM: A man’s character is who he is in the dark. For the moment, all I can say is – you have demonstrated your character pretty well

Plumb: Do you think I should do it?

DBM: Do you want to?

Plumb: I want to have sex

DBM: Do you want to have sex with another woman?

Plumb: I want to have sex

DBM: Okay! I have a question: prior to your wife’s illness, was sex outside of your marriage a boundary you and your wife had set or discussed as unacceptable?

Plumb: Yes

DBM: Okay! Any relationship where the people in it have not given themselves enough room to discuss boundaries, cheating is bound to happen

Plumb: She’s given me the go-ahead now. Do we still classify it as cheating?

DBM: Would you categorize it as cheating?

Plumb: I don’t think so

DBM: Does the thought of it excite you?

Plumb: No!

DBM: How does it make you feel?

Plumb: Conflicted

DBM: Why?

Plumb: I can’t explain it

DBM: Do you think your non-verbal cues and/or mannerisms at home, or towards your wife, might have pushed her to suggest this to you?

Plumb: How so?

DBM: We’re men; when every night is just not the ‘right time’ for her?

Plumb: Every night has not been the right night for her for almost eight months

DBM: Are you happy in your marriage?

Plumb: Truthfully, no! My wife is sick

DBM: That is the only reason?

Plumb: Also, because I don’t feel loved and appreciated.

DBM: Due to the lack of sexual intimacy with your wife

Plumb: Yes. Sex is how I feel loved

DBM: I know! And I think your wife cares a lot about you

Plumb: Yes. How do you deal with rejection at home?

DBM: What type of rejection?

Plumb: Sex

DBM: For my home, it’s not a straight ‘No!’ when one person is not in the mood for sex. It’s ‘not tonight, babe’ and we simply schedule the sex to the next morning or a later date that we both would look forward to. We always end up being the most amazing partner in the other’s eyes, just because we show one another how much we still care even if we’re not in the mood that moment to make love

Plumb: That’s cool vibes

DBM: Yhup!

Plumb: I don’t think my wife’s suggestion is genuine

DBM: Then, do not take it on

Plumb: It’s not easy, Dave

DBM: Such is life sometimes; a man would have to lose the one thing he thought he would never be able to live without – just to realize that, the thing he most certainly would not be able to live without is himself, and of course, his integrity.

Plumb: It’s not easy bro.

DBM: I can understand, and I applaud you for your candor. I am just hoping everything happening around you, and at home, will teach you an even greater understanding of who you are as a man, husband and father, if you have children.

Plumb: We have a four-year old son

DBM: You are strong. You are resilient. You are kind, and full of love for your dear wife and son.

Plumb: It was nice talking to you.

DBM: The pleasure is all mine. Participant 184, Calvary, left a question for you: ‘Are you voting Bawumia or Mahama, and why?’

Plumb: We’ve all heard their promises, smart-lines and lies, excuses and misrepresentations, but Ghana’s ability to succeed is why I believe former President Mahama should be re-elected. He is far from perfect but looking at the two options at hand, VP Bawumia does not seem to have a clear knowledge about the economy. We’ve all witnessed him talk about plans he’s implemented in the past seven and half years but has he been able to produce specifics that are really working for the good of the people? The arithmetic doesn’t work within the present government. That’s the truth. It’s a very corrupt system and government.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Plumb: Will you fight for a relationship that you know is worth fighting for? Why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Cottonbro

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