Before The Next Teardrop Falls

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Osei: Who would have thought I’d be one of those anonymous people in your inbox. Listen to this crazy stuff; the wife of my wife’s boss sent me an email. First, she reached out to me on LinkedIn. I didn’t know who she was. 15 minutes after accepting her request, I got an email from her. She had found out recently that her husband and my wife had a joint bank account. They each made payments from their benefits into this one account and trusted each other to withdraw from it as and when need be.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): That’s weird. How much is in the account?

Osei: I don’t know but she shared a copy of a receipt her husband accidentally forgot to throw away in one of his trousers while doing his laundry. He had withdrawn Ghs 15,500. She mentioned a day and date her husband had traveled to work on a project, and it coincidentally was the same date my wife had to attend a friend’s funeral for days. Dave, my wife and I are pretty much open and honest with each other and I wouldn’t be able to recall a single day that we’ve had to argue about money.

DBM: You confronted your wife, no?

Osei: I did. She did not talk about the account but rather her high and intense sex drive that, according to her, I have a challenge being able to fulfill her needs.

DBM: I don’t understand.

Osei: Longevity during sex and my d*ck size.

DBM: Are you aware of this concern she has of you?

Osei: Dave, unless she’s been faking sexual satisfaction with me all these years, then no.

DBM: Do you enjoy sex with your wife?

Osei: Very much

DBM: Have you ever asked her if she enjoys having sex with you?

Osei: I think so. She used to praise me

DBM: Ha!

Osei: That’s just even the crust of the issue. We all agreed she was having an affair with her boss. What I found shocking was when she began sharing her fantasies with me. Fantasies I knew nothing about. She and her boss had been exploring group sex. They had had threesomes where she was the only woman in the room, and she loved it. She also said having sex with two men at the same time is what sets her skin on fire.

DBM: I’m going to ask you a few random questions. Don’t ask me why. Just give a yes or no response. Can you?

Osei: Yes

DBM: When you were dating your wife, was she the only woman you were being intimate with?

Osei: No

DBM: After you got married, has she been the only woman you’re intimate with?

Osei: No

DBM: Okay! Please continue with your story

Osei: I asked her how long it had been going on and she said three years.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Osei: 9 years

DBM: I see

Osei: Then she asked me if I would consider exploring these desires with her and her boss, instead of her always having to sneak around? She also said she was getting tired of hiding her fantasies from me and wanted it to be a part of our intimacy.

DBM: That’s a lot to take in

Osei: That bitch looked me in the eye last week and told me she knows and can predict every beat of my sex life like an overplayed Diana Hamilton song on UTV. How can a wife tell her husband he is boring in bed and that has created a gnawing itch that no one man, no matter how much he loves her, can satisfy?

DBM: How old is your wife?

Osei: 40

DBM: How old are you?

Osei: 44

DBM: You have kids?

Osei: Yes, three girls. Why were you asking if I was cheating on my wife?

DBM: Before I answer your question, let me ask a question: had you and your wife discussed boundaries before or after marriage?

Osei: What do you mean by boundaries?

DBM: Everything you both dislike or can never forgive on the table to see if there is any potential to go forward with the relationship.

Osei: No

DBM: I have a theory that, in-as-much as a higher percentage of men feel they don’t share their side of stories related to why they’re not happy in their marriages, men are still the very people choosing to break their own homes. Exhibit A is found in your ‘yes’ or ‘no’ responses to my questions. And, it’s not just you. Every man I have ever spoken to – whose wife is cheating or making him feel like he’s going through a whole lot of hell with her, had been cheating on his wife first. They will not readily accept this fact but that is the unfortunate truth.

Osei: Every man I know cheats. It’s normal. Dave, are you trying to tell me you don’t cheat?

DBM: I am trying to tell you your wife is currently seeking the hands of her boss and total strangers secretly, because you stopped exploring the woman she is, and already have at home.

Osei: But did she have to cheat back?

DBM: Did you sit her down to discuss the desires tempting you to explore with other women? If I ever should consider cheating on my partner, I would talk before I cheat.

Osei: You know I’m heading straight for a divorce with her confession?

DBM: I honestly don’t think you should be extremely mad at her. When you’re out there sleeping with other people, which part of you makes you feel like what you’re doing is as bad as how your wife’s actions are suddenly making you feel?

Osei: I don’t think you should be defending her adultery.

DBM: I am not in support of her actions. You are choosing not to understand what I’m drawing your attention to. You have not been upfront and honest about everything you have been up to. You’ve been hiding and erasing your own bad behavior – and pretending to be closed off with your feelings. Women can do bad all by themselves if you lead them into their crazy with your crazy.

Osei: I wasn’t expecting to hear anything different from you

DBM: Men never cease to amaze me! We start a game without first bothering to read its manual. You break your marriage and wait for the partner to catch up to help you do the work for you. We knowingly or unknowingly force people we claim we love to assume responsibilities for tasks and chaos we create in our own marriages. A man will whine about accountability yet hate to be accountable. No wonder wives of today are choosing to stay in touch with their intuition and err on the side of caution.

Osei: We all know you’re biased when it comes to these whores of another gender.

DBM: Your wife is experiencing a sexual awakening and starving for mass sex. Her hunger is making her want to be gulped, adulated and fucked senselessly. Go figure!

Osei: Do you know why I came to your inbox?

DBM: Why?

Osei: I needed someone to just hear me out and empathize with me.

DBM: I hear you; I really do.

Osei: You don’t. You’re rather attacking me.

DBM: Listen, ma guy, you cannot just will happiness in marriage to happen or hope that if you continue playing enough mind-games on your wife, something will give. Your marriage is struggling, and you can attest to that. You cannot control your wife’s actions. She cannot control yours. What you both have control over is what you choose to do and how you choose to accept, forgive or manage the other’s behavior. That is marriage for you. There is always something to work on.

Osei: My marriage is practically over. I cannot forgive something like this. I’ve withdrawn from her emotionally.

DBM: That’s understandable.

Osei: Come to think of it, anytime she returned home from a trip, she was in a happy mood, which was significantly improving the atmosphere at home and thought was lessening the tension between us.

DBM: Welcome to illicit sexual encounter. Everything you just described is exactly what you also bring home after returning from one of your side-chick sessions.

Osei: Bye.

Image Credit: Mikhail Nilov

Ain’t No Cure For Love

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Comey: Hi senior. Are you a counselor?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No sir.

Comey: You’re not a professional therapist?

DBM: I am not.

Comey: What are you into?

DBM: Communications

Comey: That’s your professional background?

DBM: Yes please

Comey: Why do you do these things on FB?

DBM: Which things?

Comey: Counseling, music, preaching

DBM: I don’t counsel. I don’t preach. I just chat with people who are comfortable opening up to me. I like listening to people when I have the time. I can sometimes be good at expanding perspectives, and if in the right mood, offer feedback on how I would deal with a difficult situation.

Comey: Are you a musician?

DBM: I’m a songwriter who just happens to love to sing.

Comey: You don’t sing professionally?

DBM: No.

Comey: Why do you shoot music videos and record songs? You spend money on all that, don’t you?

DBM: I do. I love to document all my works, thus my reason for recording and registering them. Someday, if I’m to leave this earth, I’d want to confidently leave knowing I put out all the talents and giftings deposited in me by GOD.

Comey: Do you have a performing rights organization representing the songs you write?

DBM: Yes. Broadcast Music, Inc. (BMI Music)

Comey: Can I ask another personal question?

DBM: It depends on the type of question

Comey: How much do you spend on recording music and shooting videos?

DBM: I’ve spent over ten thousand dollars.

Comey: Do you make money from music?

DBM: No!

Comey: Have you considered pursuing counselling professionally?

DBM: No!

Comey: Why not?

DBM: I tend to be very emotional and biased.

Comey: But you actively know how to listen

DBM: When I am in the right mood to want to, yes.

Comey: Is that not the minimum basic skill for counseling?

DBM: Yeah, but it’s not my life’s mandate, unfortunately.

Comey: Do you follow up on your clients?

DBM: No.

Comey: Why don’t you?

DBM: Because they are not ‘clients’ and I don’t want to be invested.

Comey: So, it ends after the chat?

DBM: Yes. I have to gauge my own energy and desire.

Comey: I need someone who will check up on me after sharing my problems with them.

DBM: I can recommend a professional therapist. He charges per the hour. He is very experienced and passionate, and has made huge contributions to the field.

Comey: How much does he charge?

DBM: $150/hr

Comey: Ghanaian?

DBM: No! He’s American. I know him personally. He does remote sessions with some of his clients too. Let me know if you’re interested.

Comey: Ok. Can I share my issue with you so I know what you make of it?

DBM: I’m all ears.

Comey: I think I’ve found my soulmate. I knew from the first day we agreed to be friends and I’ve loved her every moment. I broke things off with her at a point, and moved on with my life. She married a different man three years ago. We met at a function in 2022, and she told me she had been trying to find me. I had been trying to find out what she had been up to through mutual friends over the years too. When we met at the function, she told me she’s only been in love with me. Dave, she’s the only woman I have been in love with. I found out in 2022 that she was pregnant with her husband’s child but didn’t want to keep it. She wanted us to try rekindling our relationship to see if we still had a chance.

DBM: She was married in 2022, no?

Comey: Yes, and under 11 weeks pregnant when we had this conversation at the private function.

DBM: Okay!

Comey: She wanted an abortion, and asked me to find her a trusted doctor. I knew of a doctor who assessed her pregnancy and told us she was suitable to have a medical abortion at home. To clear things up, it wasn’t my suggestion to get rid of the pregnancy. She did not want to continue with the pregnancy nor keep her husband’s baby, and she confirmed to the doctor that her decision was her preferred option.

DBM: Her husband had no say in this?

Comey: The doctor said it was her choice and her right to do so

DBM: Did her husband know about the pregnancy?

Comey: He did.

DBM: I see

Comey: The doctor prepared a treatment pack for her, which included medicines she’d need for the abortion treatment, and some pain killers and other tablets. I collected the pack from the clinic and delivered it to her at work. I did not hear from her for two weeks. The day she called, she had gone to see the doctor to do a scan and the result was negative.

DBM: How did you feel after hearing from her?

Comey: Relief, sadness, a bit of joy, all combined.

DBM: Was that her first pregnancy?

Comey: Yes

DBM: Is she divorced now?

Comey: Not yet.

DBM: What is the current status of your relationship?

Comey: My relationship with her?

DBM: Yes

Comey: We’re still in touch and in love.

DBM: Why is she still married?

Comey: We were in the planning process to figure out the best way to break the news to her husband.

DBM: And?

Comey: She got pregnant again.

DBM: With her husband’s child?

Comey: We don’t know

DBM: You were sleeping with her?

Comey: Yes

DBM: Unprotected?

Comey: Yes

DBM: Are you sleeping with any other women?

Comey: One or two, but with protection. She’s the only one I do raw with.

DBM: What do you feel for the one or two you fuck with?

Comey: It’s just sex, nothing important.

DBM: Is she keeping this pregnancy?

Comey: We are. She believes it could be mine

DBM: It could as well be for the husband, no?

Comey: Yes

DBM: So, what’s the end game here?

Comey: She still doesn’t know how to ask her husband for a divorce.

DBM: You are the ‘how’ to her puzzle. What’s so difficult about being honest with her husband? She has no reason to sugarcoat or beautify a lie. You two managed to abort his first attempt to fatherhood. It’s only fair to dish him the remaining painful truth than to be lying and unintentionally giving him false hope.

Comey: She wants me to join her at home so we can both break the news to him.

DBM: How old are you?

Comey: 38

DBM: How old is she?

Comey: Also, in her 30’s

DBM: What are you going to do?

Comey: I would have joined her at home to do this but she said her husband know of my name.

DBM: How so?

Comey: She’s accidentally moaned and cried out my name three different times while having sex with her husband. Because we cannot predict the outcome of things, we are both not sure if it’s the right move.

DBM: Do you truly love this young lady?

Comey: My love for her grows over time. We have shared quality moments and memories that I cannot let go. She has my support.

DBM: Why did you break things off with her many years ago?

Comey: I saw a message on her phone from a guy who was supposedly her friend, but was making a move on her. She did not tell him to stop and was rather enjoying the attention he was giving her.

DBM: Was she the only woman you were intimate with during that dating phase?

Comey: No. But she was the only girl I was in love with and wanted to marry. For the others, it was just sex.

DBM: What does ‘just sex’ mean?

Comey: It’s like candy, sweet. I share it happily with a selected few without expectation of catching any feelings in return. But when it comes to my woman, I give her a special piece of the candy because it makes me happy to see her excited about it.

DBM: Can you picture a future without her in it?

Comey: I cannot, Dave. I am interested in everything she cares about. Can’t say I’ve ever wanted to assist anyone in getting an abortion, but here we are. It’s easy for me to find a woman to fulfill my sexual needs and there’s rarely a connection beyond the moment. What I have built with my woman has always had the potential to develop into marriage. And I’m willing to marry her any day after her divorce.

Image Credit: Nataliya Vaitkevich

Break Time

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Chloé: Dave, my husband lacks empathy for me

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Has he always been this way or he recently started acting up?

Chloé: I think he has always been like this but because I was blinded by love, I overlooked a few of his faults.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Chloé: 5 yrs

DBM: Well, at least there’s the good start: you are not the cause of his problems, and you will not become the cause of his ill behavior toward you.

Chloé: I no longer enjoy my time with him. I don’t think I find him attractive anymore.

DBM: Do you think you need space and time to think about what you want?

Chloé: Yes

DBM: So, tell him. A man already knows what he wants; so, if your husband, through his actions is making you not find joy in his presence and also, find him attractive, then it means he cares less about what you think of him and wants to put that message across.

Chloé: You are right. He comes home very late. He’s always on his phone, even in the shower. He will do everything to avoid me at home. He’s disgusted by the mere sight of me. He has complex passwords on all of his electronic devices.

DBM: Do you check his phone?

Chloé: I don’t do that

DBM: Are you bothered by his attitude?

Chloé: I used to be when I was in love with him, but I’m not sure I care about what he does anymore.

DBM: Do you know why he’s behaving this way?

Chloé: I’ve asked him but he’s denied anything being wrong.

DBM: Is this the kind of marriage you want?

Chloé: No, Dave. I don’t think I can continue staying in this marriage if things don’t change.

DBM: You think he’s having an affair?

Chloé: I always suspected an affair and had to take some extra measures to secure the evidence I needed. I arranged with a taxi driver to be following him for a month, and I got my proof. He’s sleeping with two different women.

DBM: Plus, you?

Chloé: I stopped having sex with him the day my intuition drew my attention to his secretive behavior. The proof is the evidence I believe in, not his explanations as to why.

DBM: Okay! It’s unfortunate that most men reserve the worst of their character for the women they’re supposed to love the most.

Chloé: Dave, I will be fine. I am not going to wait for him to change for my sake. I’m going to rent my own place. I am leaving the kids with him. I’ve been the one taking care of them all this while. It’s his turn to take over.

DBM: How old are your children?

Chloé: 4 and 2

DBM: Lol!

Chloé: Why are you laughing?

DBM: Nothing, really!

Chloé: You think I should take them along?

DBM: Do you want to?

Chloé: No. He is their father. He has to learn how make time for them. My youngest daughter is a daddy’s girl. She’s all about her dad. Taking her along will make things difficult for me.

DBM: How involved is he at home with the kids?

Chloé: He comes home late every day, but he leaves money for them. He pays their fees, etc.

DBM: Since he’s used to coming home late, leaving the kids behind will be a good reason for him to be present for them.

Chloé: I have a question

DBM: Okay?

Chloé: Do you think all men cheat?

DBM: Why, you have a new beau?

Chloé: No, I’m a married woman. I am asking because my husband and I have grown apart.

DBM: You have such a young marriage

Chloé: I know

DBM: When it comes to men, it’s best you have your own boundaries at large. It helps us to know that you do not tolerate certain behaviors and any form of disrespect.

Chloé: I’ve done everything every good wife would do. I was reminiscing the other day about how we used to talk for hours and laugh over everything. We used to enjoy each other’s company when we were dating. I suspected he was entertaining other women even then but I didn’t let it bother me because I felt he was a single man and didn’t owe me his loyalty. He became more withdrawn and distant after we married and had our first child. I thought the birth of our son was going to get him excited about our family.

DBM: Make him choose what he wants, because a real man wouldn’t easily give up something he values in order to keep a side piece he’s entertaining his boredom with. If he’s comfortable losing what you’ve built together as a unit, let him.

Chloé: I’m very disappointed in myself

DBM: Why?

Chloé: I feel like I’ve wasted five to six years of my life for nothing.

DBM: You cannot blame yourself for the actions of an inconsiderate man. He is the one who has been breaking your marital vows and choosing to destroy the family you’ve built together. He is still out there living his best life and having fun. Why are you being hard on yourself for someone else’s poor choices?

Chloé: I wanted this marriage to work, Dave. I did not want to raise children in a broken home.

DBM: If I go and steal waakye today from Hajia because I was feeling very hungry, it would sound somewhat okay an excuse until I discover later on that – a hungry man can have more than four other means to get waakye without necessarily stealing it. Your husband had a choice to do right by you and the marriage. Cheating, lying, disrespecting you while doing the most to make you not feel loved and wanted are all some of the available options to him. Question is, are these the only better options available to him to make his relationship with you work?

Chloé: Do you know why a man will all of a sudden, change and be slipping out of your hands?

DBM: What do you usually argue about at home?

Chloé: Everything I do irritates my husband, Dave.

DBM: He’s probably seeking or might have found something better out there. A man will be tempted to choose better over good. He’s probably figuring out ways and means to hang onto the good he’s currently married to, at home, while also trying to experience what could be better for him out there. It’s in your choice to go along with his idea of having his cake and eating it.

Chloé: I’m going to go ahead to rent the two-bedroom apartment I’ve found. David, thank you.

Image Credit: Mike Jones

❤ Is Enough

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tucker: My wife proposed marriage to me at a time in my life, I wasn’t thinking too much into the idea of starting a family. And, even if I had, did not exert as much effort to be serious about it. My wife was the assertive one; she knew what she wanted, while I was a bit passive. Like many guys my age, I was living only in the moment and rotating girls I thought were desperate for love and attention. Dave, I was 35 years old and didn’t know what I wanted. My wife didn’t have her whole life figured out but she understood the need to mature. I said yes to her proposal even though I knew I could be making a big mistake going along with her plan.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What made you want to marry her?

Tucker: She was worth investing my love and all. I couldn’t predict our future but I knew I could risk jumping in with both feet. I knew the kind of man I wanted to be around her. I knew the kind of man I could become with her in my life. I had friends back in the day who only played mind games on women while pretending to be quality guys. They sold dreams and promises to single women they couldn’t and wouldn’t follow through. Looking back, I can say they lacked integrity and had no moral compass established to guide their actions. They were inconsistent, liars, wannabes and had no plans to be any better in the long-term. The colored lifestyle they were pushing to live in the open was a daily struggle, yet were promising undiscerning single women soft life. I see a lot of boys on social media lately advocating same old script; harassing women and tricking them into sex. There’s nothing new under the sun. The man I wanted to become and the future I wanted to experience wasn’t that of partying and getting drunk and laid with buddies on the weekends.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Tucker: 30 years

DBM: Congratulations!

Tucker: Thank you, David,

DBM: Do you know where some of your old buddies are today?

Tucker: Yes. Some are dead, some are ill. Some are miserable and begging for alms from some of us; some managed to work their way into the hearts of rich women, but because they were still playing, they got found out and have been left redundant. Some have become irresponsible and have children scattered all over with different women. Some are in jail. A handful are working jobs but are still struggling overseas. I have seen the consequences that a man’s negative action has on him. My friends chose to be weak men in their youth with their arrogance, selfishness and pride.

DBM: Hmmm!

Tucker: Dave, if you plant maize, it will turn into a tall stout grass that produces hundreds of cereal grains of corn. That is the natural order of harvest; whatever will come back to you will be greater than what you sowed. That is why we have to be careful as men with our actions, especially, how we treat women and people who love us. Life somehow falls apart, so all the bad decisions we’re choosing to make will reap its own harvest in multiple folds. The seed every man is planting will grow into a massive tree. What you will reap will be greater than what you sowed.

DBM: How would you describe yourself?

Tucker: The man I am is centered around my wife and children. The best I have done is to love them like no other, protect, support and provide for them the best way I know how. The man I identify as respects my wife and people in general. I am doing right by my wife and the people I come in contact with, and it’s rubbing off on me in a good way. Life hasn’t been easy but I have been stoic in the face of difficulties. My wife tells our children always that I have been there for her on her worst days. I have been her rock.

DBM: Is there a structure to the kind of love you give to your wife?

Tucker: A man understands the seasons his wife is in at every given moment. Boys don’t have time to analyze seasons. Boys murmur, complain, find faults, blame-game, give attitude and find the easiest way out by walking after their own lust. A man, even in his driest of seasons will communicate with his wife and make the effort to adjust in the midst of it all. That is the type of love I have been offering to my wife. I give 100% of my love, devotion and service to her wellbeing and she tries her best to offer me 100% of her love, devotion and service. Love is all about sacrifice, Dave. Love is enough. I know certain experts claim it’s not, but with my 30 years of experience under my belt, I know love is enough foundation for every man to do the right things in their marriages. Even the Bible confirms it, “For God so loved the world that He gave…” Love should lead men to sacrifice and faithfulness and truth.

DBM: I’m guilty of the ‘Love is not enough’ awareness

Tucker: I know. I follow and read from your page. But Dave, a man’s love allows experiences to manifest the heart attitude of his woman. Dealing with problems, temptations or misunderstanding are some of the elements allowed in marriage to purge us, as a furnace of affliction, so that the good of our defense will shine dazzling in the light of our faithfulness and loyalty to our spouses.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Tucker: She was in line at a taxi station waiting her turn. She was late for work, I could see. So, I offered her and three other people in line a lift. I dropped everyone at their destination before going to work. I asked if I could pick her up and drive her back to her house after work and she agreed. Our conversations afterwards fell in place. I found time to meet her parents three weeks after knowing her, and she asked me to marry her.

DBM: How old was she?

Tucker: 29 or 30. I was not in love with her but she was the type of woman I felt could challenge me to become a better version of myself. I engaged her, and we planned a wedding. We found a place to live, and the rest they say is history. I underestimated what could be possible for us because we were total strangers and we got married in less than four months.

DBM: What was going through your mind when she proposed married?

Tucker: I thought about it for some time. I wished she had discussed her intentions about marriage with me first before popping the question out of the blue. Also, it was too soon. I’m not going to lie, I was concerned.

DBM: Concerned about what?

Tucker: Concerned about what answer to give her; saying ‘yes’ to the unknown or risking a potential relationship with her by saying ‘no’.

DBM: Would you encourage women to propose to men?

Tucker: No.

DBM: Why not?

Tucker: Girls of today are ready for marriage whilst the men are in no rush and would need time to catch up to the idea of marriage. I’d rather encourage women to discuss their desires to want to be wives with their men, and find out from them what their understanding of a happy marriage looks like. They should also ask these men if they see them, as the women they are comfortable doing marriage with. If he’s keeping the subject of marriage on hold after dating him for some time, you need to ask questions so you know his reasons.

DBM: That makes sense.

Tucker: It’s scary, and really not worth it to rush into marriage only to regret later. It’d be better to start from square one all over again to experience a fulfilling and happy relationship with someone else who will prioritize you and what you deserve in marriage. A lot of boys force their intentions to love women they do not see as life partners. They know they’re not ready but they’re telling you they love you because you’re giving them something they need. They do not want you but they need what their association with you brings them. Whatever it is they’re seeking, if it is not the truest form of love, cut them loose.

Image Credit: George Pak

Twin Along

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Haakonaa: Good evening

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you doing?

Haakonaa: I’m fine. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Haakonaa: Things in my life aren’t going according to plan, and I am frustrated. I feel left behind. I feel stuck. I feel defeated and sometimes want to throw in the towel.

DBM: I am sorry about that. What do you want to do with the rest of your life?

Haakonaa: I have no clue, Dave.

DBM: How old are you?

Haakonaa: 37

DBM; There is growth and learning in moments that we feel frustrated or left behind. There is growth and learning in those days that we feel stuck or defeated.

Haakonaa: I don’t know what to learn from this stage of my life, honestly. I feel like a failed attempt every single day.

DBM: It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling.

Haakonaa: I wish you were in my shoes

DBM: Question: do you have any role models in your life?

Haakonaa: People I look up to?

DBM: Yes

Haakonaa: The story of Nelson Mandela inspires me.

DBM: Nelson Mandela, was Nelson Mandela from the time he was an unborn baby throughout his mother’s pregnancy. When he was born and just a normal child to everyone, he still had in him his potential. As a young man throughout his youth, he went through his own version of the ups and downs you’re encountering, and was constantly in the process of change throughout the different seasons of his life. His frustrations, when he felt left behind; when he felt like a failure, when he felt stuck or defeated… each state of his life, each stage, at each moment led him to the man he became. You are inspired by his life because of his journey through it all.

Haakonaa: But Dave, I’m not even asking for too much in life. What I want so desperately, others have it in abundance. I’m tired of trying so hard already.

DBM: That’s also okay. It’s okay to sometimes, stop trying so hard when things aren’t working.

Haakonaa: But I’ve been taught to always go after what I want

DBM: There’s nothing wrong with going after what you want. What I’m trying to say is that, sometimes, you just have to go with the flow and be open to whatever possibilities are available to you – instead of wanting or insisting on specific conclusions you think would make you feel good.

Haakonaa: If you say so.

DBM: Are you married?

Haakonaa: I am married.

DBM: For how long?

Haakonaa: 10 years.

DBM: How has it been so far?

Haakonaa: Great.

DBM: Okay! Kids?

Haakonaa: We have children but they’re not his biological offspring, though they’re growing and showing up as his.

DBM: I don’t understand

Haakonaa: My husband and his brother are identical twins

DBM: You fucked your brother-in-law?

Haakonaa: I did

DBM: Ha! Was it a one-time fling?

Haakonaa: No

DBM: Are you comfortable sharing details of this escapade with me?

Haakonaa: I can finetune it to suit your interest.

DBM: Where do we begin? Lol!

Haakonaa: My first sexual encounter with my brother in law was 11 years ago. My husband, who was my boyfriend then, had traveled to Kumasi without informing me. A friend of mine saw him enter a hotel room with another woman and called to inform me. He denied the accusation and lied about being in Accra. I challenged him to arrange a lunch date with me that afternoon to prove me wrong. I got to the restaurant and it was his identical twin impersonating him.

DBM: Did he know you could tell the difference between them?

Haakonaa: He did not.

DBM: Could you tell the difference between the two?

Haakonaa: I could, but I also would often act dumb when tested to tell them apart.

DBM: Ha! How are you able to differentiate between the two?

Haakonaa: Their preference in cologne. The way they smiled. The odor from their mouths. Their T-shirt choice, and the volume of their voice when they talk. My husband is partially soft while his brother is slightly loud. Also, I could tell them apart from their level of tidiness. My brother in law is very clean and orderly when you’re in his space. My husband is the opposite.

DBM: Oh wow! And, they didn’t know you knew?

Haakonaa: I prefer for people to think I’m stupid.

DBM: Lol! You’re speaking my language on that. Isn’t it fascinating when you let people assume they’ve figured you all out? You remain in your quiet and become more of an observer than a talker.

Haakonaa: That’s the superpower right there.

DBM: Anyways, let’s get back to the story of your shenanigans. What happened next?

Haakonaa: He had his brother’s spare house keys so he wanted to act as if he was my boyfriend. He asked if I would go home with him. I followed him to my husband’s house and made advances on him. He flipped me over his shoulder and the rest happened. He did not mention it to his brother when he returned to Accra. I carried on with their charade.

DBM: Oh my!

Haakonaa: My boyfriend returned from Kumasi the next day, and I was in his house with his brother. He texted him to know the status of their arrangement, and his twin quickly came up with an excuse to want to go the Accra Mall to buy something. I took notice of the shirt, jeans trousers and sneakers he had on. He met my boyfriend wherever they agreed to meet, exchanged their clothing, and then came home to me as if he was the same one returning from the mall. The moment he hugged and kissed me; I could tell they had swapped. His cologne smelled different. His kiss tasted different.

DBM: Did you like his brother?

Haakonaa: I liked the fact that he could turn me on without moving straight to my genitals. He is a very patient and relaxed man when it comes to sex. The way he talks to me, the way he looks at me, the way he makes me trust him, and the spirit in his eyes when our eyes are in contact, allows me to be vulnerable around him.

DBM: Interesting. How did the pregnancy come about?

Haakonaa: Dave, before we married, I was looking forward to motherhood. My husband couldn’t wait to get to know a tiny baby. We couldn’t wait to raise our kids and watch them grow. We pictured ourselves developing a relationship with a maturing baby boy or girl. We were in our sixth year of marriage and there was nothing to show. My brother in law had married and was with kids. We used to talk every now and then, and he would mention how much he cares about me. Over time, I decided to play along, letting him think I didn’t know any better. He made a direct move, took me out of Accra for the weekend, and I was pregnant within five weeks.

DBM: Is your husband not able to tell the difference?

Haakonaa: No standard DNA test will be able to tell the difference. My husband is an identical twin. You would have to do a complete genome sequencing to link our kids to his brother.

DBM: What is making you unhappy?

Haakonaa: I was in love when I agreed to get married. Now, it seems like the satisfaction and joy to remain his wife has left me. The bond I have with my children is what seems to be growing and keeping me busy and excited, leaving my relationship with my husband to deteriorate. I’m miserable and I think he’s not happy too. We’re both unhappy in the marriage.

Image Credit:  Cottonbro Studio

Whole Face In

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Brother Bernard: Hello Mr. David. I have a best friend that I thought I wouldn’t know what to do without. She was really special to me. She’s the one person who knows how to make me laugh out a little louder. I visited her a couple of months ago and I was very hungry. I wanted us to go out and eat but she insisted on cooking for me. She already had a leftover stew in her fridge so I asked her to put rice on fire for me to eat with it. I was walking barefooted looking around her house when I thought I had seen her spit in the stew she was warming up for me. She turned around to see if anyone had seen her. I moved back quickly to escape her glance. Then I heard her hawk her throat lightly, which made me tiptoe to check her out. She had spat a nasty huge slimy globule into the stew and did same into the rice cooker before setting it to cook.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What the actual fuck!

Brother Bernard: Dave

DBM: Tell me you confronted the hell outta her?

Brother Bernard: I was stunned

DBM: Did you confront her?

Brother Bernard: I couldn’t

DBM: What do you mean you couldn’t?

Brother Bernard: I couldn’t

DBM: You did not eat that damn food, no?

Brother Bernard: I couldn’t refuse to

DBM: You ate?

Brother Bernard: I ate

DBM: Define the kind of relationship you two have

Brother Bernard: Friendship with a little bit of benefits. We had established that we feel sexually attracted to each other because we are always spending time together. And alcohol is sometimes involved.

DBM: Are you dating?

Brother Bernard: No

DBM: Are you dating anyone?

Brother Bernard: I am married.

DBM: So, at what point in your married life do you get to ‘always spend time together’ with her?

Brother Bernard: As I said, she’s a special friend. I have other close friends I hang out with too

DBM: Is she part of the people you’re ‘seeing’?

Brother Bernard: She’s simply an occasional engagement in casual sex without any of us actually having to commit to a relationship.

DBM: Just like you are with the other women?

Brother Bernard: Lol.

DBM: Why are you in my inbox?

Brother Bernard: I wanted to use your platform to let her know I know what she did

DBM: She follows my page?

Brother Bernard: I don’t know. I was thinking since your page sometimes can go viral, she might get to see it.

DBM: The fact that you embraced her level of disrespect towards you glamorously and chose to avoid difficult truths, I do not pity you one bit.

Brother Bernard: Just because I did not confront her doesn’t mean I am not actively fighting back. Showing all my cards isn’t strategy.

DBM: Tell me, what’s on your card?

Brother Bernard: I also don’t want to miss out on one of the most defining friendships of my life. That’s why I am not too quick to judge. Dave, this is a girl I enjoy eating her out.

DBM: What has that got to do with anything?

Brother Bernard: I ate the food without complaint because she’s a woman I love to kiss, and kiss along her thighs and can lick her outer labia to make her quiver and moan. If I’m able to use my tongue, my lips, nose, cheeks and even my chin to get all in on the action, then a spit wasn’t anything to be angry about, though disappointed.

DBM: Good luck with your whole face in.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Momma’s Diary

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Kob: Hi Dave, I requested to share my mom’s story with you. Are you free to have a conversation?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! Do you mind typing the synopsis of the story here? I have a meeting this morning. I will come back to this conversation when I am done so we can expand on it.

Kob: Ok sir. We lost her 24 years ago through a heartbreak and an unknown sickness we couldn’t fight. She gave her love, her attention, her resources to my stepfather, who, in return, betrayed her. I found out every ordeal she endured through a diary she left behind.

DBM: How long was she married to your second father?

Kob: 8 years

DBM: How about your biological father, what happened between them?

Kob: Met him for the first time when I was 18. From the stories told by my grandmother, he abused my mom and chased her with a gun one night until my mom run to her aunt’s house. My grandfather went to dissolve their marriage and brought my mom back home.

DBM: How did your second father betray your mother?

Kob: My mom took him through school, training college as at then. He lived with us in my grandmother’s house. He wasn’t working, and it was literally my mom who took care of him. She will make sure his fufu is served every morning before she leaves the house to work and come home early to prepare dinner for the house. They were both into politics, so during the time of the late President Rawlings, he was appointed as the DCE of his district. They moved in together, and that was when everything started. He started cheating with multiple women, including my mom’s best friend. One day, he drove my mom back to us very ill, and we never saw him again. My grandmother took her to the hospital, and the Dr’s told us it was shingles, so she would be fine. We did all sorts of medication from herbal to any treatment we can, but she didn’t get better. When she started getting better, she fell into depression and wouldn’t eat anything. Her lovely husband never came to visit, never called until she completely went mute. I was playing football on the sunny afternoon of 6th July 2001, when my cousin came to call me that grandma wanted to see me. I went to my grandmother’s room, and there she was, laid down with clothes wrapped around her . We are half ewes, and seeking answers to strange deaths is normal. It was revealed that my mom had a fight with one of my stepfather’s side women and, at the back of our knowledge, sent her to a deity. The man only showed up during her burial and never showed up again after her burial.

DBM: I am very sorry about this. What was your relationship like with him?

Kob: We are 3 siblings, and he never loved any of us.

DBM: How was life like growing up without a parent’s real presence?

Kob: Dave, I wouldn’t wish that for any child. It was tough, but I had a loving grandmother who gave us all her love and care. Honestly, her presence made us move on from our mother’s death early.

DBM: I thank GOD for grandma. Are you married?

Kob: Nope, one bad relationship to the other. My last relationship ended 2 months ago. She was carrying a pregnancy we all agreed to keep until one day she decided to terminate the pregnancy. I knew what we had was coming to an end because I had lost my job and suspected she was talking to her ex. Maybe these circumstances forced her to, which I understand.

DBM: As a man, do you see yourself to want to do better someday, by your partner if you marry? Looking back at the kinds of men your mother had had to deal with.

Kob: Dave, my mom’s marriage, taught me a lot. There are good women who will do right by you, and all that they need in return is to love them back in all honesty. But Dave, I have my dad’s character.

DBM: It’s good you know you have your dad’s character, but is it possible to intentionally inspire an attitude adjustment?

Kob: I have more than 21 siblings from my dad’s side, so you know what I mean when I say I have my dad’s character. I have had two serious relationships that almost ended in my marriage, and I never cheated. So, I can do better with the right woman by my side.

DBM: I get it. Everyone has character traits, both good and bad.

Kob: Yes, we do

DBM: Thank you for sharing your mom’s story. I appreciate you

Kob: You Welcome, sir

Image Credit: David Kwewum 

Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Omari: Hello David. I hope you are fine? I am a silent follower and a big fan of your page. I do not always agree with the way you sometimes think, but I like you for that same reason. I’ve been married to my good luck of a wife for 23 years. When I met her, I was living on way less than I ever thought a poor man could survive on. I was aware of everything I lacked in life and that broke my confidence. I was in my little corner, avoiding people as usual when I met my wife. Everything about her overwhelmed me but she was one of the very few people I thought were worth keeping around because she saw only the best in me.

The types of guys who were interested in her were people who looked and smelled good. There was hope in their future, and they had money to spend. Being uncertain about my future was exhausting and depressing. The man I wanted to become before settling down wasn’t the disappointed I felt I had become. Hurt and confusion were some of the mixed emotions I battled with. I was ashamed of myself but my wife wasn’t. She believed in me. She prayed for me. She loved me. She saw me. We met by chance and it was at a time when I doubted whether I was cut for love. She showed me that I was worthy of her time and attention. She understood my situation and loved me through that phase of my life.

We eventually got married. She got pregnant with our first child, a boy. Before he turned one year old, he said his first words in six separate days to just me. It was a Saturday morning, 2:25 AM. He wouldn’t stop crying and his mother was tired and deep in her sleep. I got up to go pick him up from his room. The moment he set those dreamy eyes on me, he smiled and said, “Dada”. It was a big milestone because his mother and I had been wondering and waiting to know what his first word would be. When my wife woke up, I bragged about it and wanted the child to repeat his first words again but he said nothing. He went back to his toddler language, babbling and crying through his fumbled speech.

Sunday morning, 2:25 AM, he was crying again. His mother was fast asleep and I had to go and get him. He saw me enter his room and he smiled. “Dada, Mama”. It was weird. He didn’t repeat those words again during the day. Monday, 2:25 AM, he started to cry. I had to sleep because I had to go to work in few hours. He wouldn’t stop crying. My wife wouldn’t wake up to attend to him. I got to his room, and he beams with laughter, “Dada, Mama, Isss…”. He wouldn’t say anything else again for the rest of the day. Dave, it was at this point that I felt in my spirit that God had a message for me through my son. I looked forward to the next dawn. I slept in his room and woke myself up at 2:00 AM. 25 minutes after I had woken up, he wakes up and smiles after seeing me. ‘Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa…”

The following dawn, I got up again, next to him in his room. Same time, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa Ghud…”. On the sixth day, same routine. I had to sleep in his room. He wakes up to my presence and he laughs, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa. Ghud. Laak.”

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No way!

Omari: I kid you not, David. He didn’t wake up to speak to me again after delivering his message. His routine went back to normal. It was when he was 18 months old that his mother started to hear him typically start to use words more purposefully around her. Like, ‘ball, come, no, yes’ etc.

DBM: Oh my!

Omari: When I got married to my wife, things started happening for my good. Opportunities started opening and coming my way. Initially, I thought it was my own doing and hard work. But after my son’s message to me, I had to look back and appreciate who had been encouraging and praying for me to free myself from the self-imposed limitations I had been placing on myself. It was my wife. I had so much doubt in my mind but she chose to believe in me, so I could believe in myself and persist no matter what. Wonderful things started to happen to me. I began to see success in my career. I started to feel happy for the first time in my life.

DBM: I’m really happy for you.

Omari: Yeah, but I changed along the way.

DBM: How so?

Omari: Dave, I was hitting my career goals. My financial goals were papping. My life goals were being achieved, year after year.

DBM: Let me guess!

Omari: It happened a couple of times. I started to find problems with everything she did. I was no longer content with just her. I broke her heart. I made her feel alone in the marriage. I started lying to her and cheating. I became cold towards her. I became distant, loveless, etc.

DBM: But why?

Omari: Money changes men. I forgot about how she used to take care of me when I had nothing. My wife practically gave me her all when I had nothing to my name. She supported me in ways I had never experienced before. She was my goddamn helpmate but what happened after my levels had changed? She got cheated on. And I remained to be the dog that incessantly pissed on her favorite rug. And because I knew she loved me so much and wanted our marriage to work, she would clean up the rug every time I pissed on it.

DBM: How long were you in your feels – in this phase of your life?

Omari: Three years

DBM: What happened next?

Omari: My wife stopped loving me. The worst version of me had been waiting to be set free, only for me to lose it all again. I was involved in a car accident when I was on a trip with one of my girlfriend’s outside of Accra. She died in my car. She was pregnant with my child and I didn’t even know. She’s Fante. Her family put me through hell. Mind you, I was bedridden for three months after the accident but her family didn’t care. They tormented me. I was forced to marry her corpse before her burial. I went through the whole process of knocking and presentation of drinks with my family. Dowry, name it. I put a ring on her dead finger. And I was in wheelchair doing all this. Every penny I had worked for and saved, their family took it through bills, charges, compensation, etc.

DBM: Where was your wife?

Omari: At home. She said nothing. She just focused on the children and her job. I couldn’t even complain, after everything I had put her through. My brother took me to the house I had rented for my other girlfriend, and she nursed me for two months only. She couldn’t babysit me again. She said she had her own life to live because she was a young girl. She told me I needed to go back home to my wife. She drove me to the house and left me behind the gate, after ringing the bell. The gateman carried me to the house. My son was seven years old at this time. He was playing with his sister when I was brought in. He looked at me with a disappointing stare. My daughter was happy to see me of course, but he wasn’t. I asked them where their mother was, and these were his exact response to me, “Daddy, your good luck left”.

DBM: Oh my! I have totally forgotten about that part. “Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak.”

Omari: Yes. It all came back to me. Dave, I had to repent. I had to change. My good luck no longer was willing to tolerate and enable my bad behavior. I had to occasionally say ‘no’ to myself in order to become a better man for myself, wife and children.

DBM: How are you doing today?

Omari: Life is picking up, little by little. I haven’t looked back since. I am almost 14 years cheat-sober.

DBM: Well done!

Omari: Dave, money makes men nicer. Money makes us curious. Our wives are our good luck, especially if you’re like me, and came into your marriage with nothing but her love and support to hold to. As I chat with you today, and I am telling you since I made the decision to, as you often say on your page, do right by my partner, every other day of the years, I have been overwhelmed by God’s goodness to me… because of my wife.

DBM: That’s good to know!

Omari: David, I have tears in my eyes. My dear Diana, my good luck; these 23 years of marriage to you have been all the reminder I needed of how completely unworthy I am to humbly serve as your husband. You have given me the opportunity to be better. You have given me the opportunity to change. I am becoming the man I am proud of. I have become the kind of man I believe God is comfortable entrusting your heart to. My only prayer today is to continue learning and fighting for you and for our marriage.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Those Confused Eyes

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

PY: Dee

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Herrh! What are you doing here?

PY: I want to talk

DBM: Don’t you have my number?

PY: I want to talk here

DBM: For my ears only or you want it published?

PY: Your ears and publication.

DBM: What’s up?

PY: I think I’m ready to get married. I haven’t proposed marriage to Helena yet, but my mind is filled with all sorts of fanfare lately. I’ve always wondered about what it might be like to make her my wife.

DBM: Good to know! You’ve dated for how long?

PY: Four and a half years

DBM: How old are you?

PY: You know my age. Lol

DBM: Yeah, but for the purposes of this publication…

PY: 42

DBM: How old is your lady?

PY: 40

DBM: Why now?

PY: Beyond the love, of course, I need a trusted companion. And Helena is someone I can trust to stand by me through thick and thin. I also feel it’s time to start building a family of our own.

DBM: I am happy for you.

PY: Thanks. Hopefully, it will tame my, how do you call it, lol, my cheating habits.

DBM: Are you ready to be a husband?

PY: I believe I am, yes. I am ready to share my life with her. She’s my special something-something.

DBM: Okay!

PY: But I want her to get pregnant for me first.

DBM: As in, before you marry her?

PY: Yeah

DBM: Why is that?

PY: She’s 40

DBM: And so?

PY: Her biological clock

DBM: What has it done?

PY: It’s ticking

DBM: Why do you want to marry her?

PY: I told you why already.

DBM: You do not believe she can have a healthy pregnancy at her age?

PY: I don’t. My mother doesn’t believe it either.

DBM: Whose idea was it for her to get pregnant before marriage?

PY: My mother.

DBM: I’m going to publish this conversation, no?

PY: Yes

DBM: Helena is going to read this

PY: She already knows.

DBM: Ha! And, what did she say?

PY: She’s not ready to have a child out of wedlock.

DBM: Ha!

PY: But she’s failing to understand my point.

DBM: What was your point again?

PY: I just want to be sure she can get pregnant with my baby. That’s all. We will be married before the child is even born. Do you understand me?

DBM: I do! But why can’t you do this same experiment with her fertility after marriage?

PY: I don’t want to marry and divorce later. It’s a risk I’m not willing to take

DBM: Is having a child the main reason why you want to settle down with her?

PY: It’s part of my reasons. Dee, I love her; she knows this. I know it. I’m just concerned about the complications that are likely to develop at her age.

DBM: But there is also a good chance her pregnancy will be healthy

PY: That’s if she can get pregnant.

DBM: Why do you say that?

PY: David, let’s be real. We’ve been shacking up for four years and no sign of pregnancy. Is that not cause to be alarmed?

DBM: How important is having a baby to you?

PY: It’s everything to me, Dee

DBM: And, are you willing to give up Helena over this issue?

PY: I haven’t thought about it.

DBM: Think of it now. Are you willing to give up Helena over the subject of pregnancy?

PY: No

DBM: Why not?

PY: Because we have a good relationship, and I am committed to her.

DBM: Why are you entertaining the thought of putting an expiration date on the womb of a creation of GOD?

PY: My mum thinks she may never get pregnant for me.

DBM: Is Helena the right woman for you?

PY: She is

DBM: If you genuinely want to settle down with her, then decide to want to enjoy your marriage, regardless. Do not encourage your mother’s doubt to manipulate your decision making, especially now that you’re seriously considering doing right by her.

PY: What if there are no kids and I am tempted someday to look elsewhere?

DBM: When a decent man chooses to want to enjoy his marriage to his wife, he decides that no other relationship or extracurricular activity is an option. Question is, are you decent enough to want to get married and stay married?

PY: I try my best to be a decent guy.

DBM: I don’t know exactly what about Helena makes you happy, but if she excites you as much as any good partner does their significant other, let that determine the actions you take henceforth.

PY: I want to be happy, Dave. I think that’s my ultimate goal

DBM: If being happy in marriage is your priority, then let that impact your decision to want to propose to her. If having a child by whatever means is your priority, then note that your needs and selfishness are what your priorities are, and not marriage to her.

PY: What do you suggest?

DBM: Think of Helena, and place her above your expectations. Look into ways and means you can bless and encourage her. And psych yourself up to walk together no matter what life throws at you both.

PY: What if I don’t feel complete without kids?

DBM: PY, there is LIFE to be lived, even without children. Yes, maybe not the life you thought you wanted, per your definition of ‘family’ but it’s not so bad. And it’s full of possibilities and hope, joy, laughter, dreams and contentment.

PY: Let’s change the subject. Are you happily married?

DBM: I am focused on my marriage. I am taking care of my partner in our marriage. I am being intentional on pouring enough time and energy into my marriage. A happily married life won’t just happen, you know?

PY: I know

DBM: Good! So, do any and every good thing to protect your marriage – if you choose to go ahead with it, and put as much effort into it.

PY: How about cheating?

DBM: What about it?

PY: I feel like I may cheat on her

DBM: If Helena’s breasts fill you at all times with delight, you will be intoxicated by her love. Helena, if you’re reading this conversation, please find out what PY likes and does not like in the bedroom when you get married. I know that in your minds, your sex lives are beyond great, but ask yourselves what turns you on; you both may surprise each other because it wouldn’t be what you think you already know. It’s not every married man who enjoys their marriage. So, to make yours exactly what you want, you must make intentional choices. That is what will make you not cheat on her. It’s all about choosing to walk a different path and doing right by each other.

PY: Is your WhatsApp still active? I sent a message four month ago.

DBM: No!

PY: I’ll give you a call later this week. Thanks

Image Credit: Collis

11th Anniversary Surprise

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Vedrana: Knock knock.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes, come on in.

Vedrana: Good evening, David Bondze-Mbir. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How are you doing?

Vedrana: I wish I could say I am fine but I am not. I am very upset and angry today.

DBM: What are you angry about?

Vedrana: I became very ill two years ago and tested positive for HIV. I found out later on that my husband was living with it and had been put on treatment, and I never knew. He did not tell me. Mine was actually a late diagnosis. Do you know what it means to be diagnosed late?

DBM: What does it mean?

Vedrana: It means the virus had already started to damage my immune system. My CD4 count had drastically dropped below 350.

DBM: What is CD4?

Vedrana: It’s a white blood cell (cluster of differentiation) in the frontline defense in a person’s immune system. That is how I am able to monitor the overall health of any patient of mine living with HIV. It helps us to also figure out how the immune system of the person is being affected by the virus.

DBM: What is your profession, if you don’t mind me asking?

Vedrana: I am a medical doctor.

DBM: What is usually the normal range for the CD4 count?

Vedrana: That of an average man or woman should be between 500 to 1200 cells/mL. Mine was below 350.

DBM: I see. How long have you been married?

Vedrana: 11 years in October.

DBM: Why did your husband hide such a diagnosis from you?

Vedrana: His excuse was that the person he contracted it from was undetected and had advised him to go on treatment so the HIV in his blood would be reduced to a lower level.

DBM: Wait! Help me understand what you’re saying better. So, he was on treatment?

Vedrana: Yes

DBM: And was having unprotected sex with you?

Vedrana: Precisely.

DBM: But that is not fair

Vedrana: That is why I gave him the option to pack out of our house, because I could have harmed him if he still was coming home to me.

DBM: So, where is he now?

Vedrana: I don’t know

DBM: Do you stay in touch with him?

Vedrana: Yes, he calls three times in a week to speak with our children.

DBM: Who was he sleeping with?

Vedrana: His ‘serious girlfriend. They had been in a relationship for four years. He was under the assumption that she was in a relationship with only him.

DBM: Was she the only girl he was messing around with – behind your back?

Vedrana: He claimed she was his only chick but she had a secret boyfriend who was also married. He was the one who infected her and his wife.

DBM: Oh lala!

Vedrana: Yes. We had to track the source. The married guy also had another woman who was a bit younger on the side. She had given it to him. She contracted it from her campus boyfriend who had been engaging in group sex with three of his friends. Apparently, the four boys were in the habit of meeting casually every month to make out with four random women in turns. None of the group sex squad knew of their status till I had to get all of them tested. They were all positive and probably had been infecting others they’re intimate with.

DBM: This is scary.

Vedrana: My husband refused to share his status with me. The boyfriend of his girlfriend did not share his status with his wife. She found out the same week I got my results.

DBM: Is it not a crime?

Vedrana: It is, Dave. I can be charged with a crime if I have unprotected sex with another man without disclosing my HIV+ status to him.

DBM: Why didn’t you report your husband to the police?

Vedrana: He had the option to either leave the house or get arrested.

DBM: Are you going be alright?

Vedrana: I will be fine. I am trying to live well.

DBM: It shouldn’t be about how well you live but how long you live well.

Vedrana: That’s true.

DBM: How old are your kids?

Vedrana: 9/11

DBM: Do they know why their father has been out of the house for so long?

Vedrana: I am hoping he will tell them in his own time.

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Vedrana: I’m saddened about the fact that I spent 11 years of my life giving everything to my marriage and the man I thought loved me so much to not want to hurt me. Dave, I have sacrificed so much for my husband. He is the only man I have slept with since we started dating. Now that he has brought this into my life, he is now apologizing and making promises upon promises to do all the things he vowed to do. Now, I am left wondering whether I should believe his abrupt change.

DBM: Have you forgiven him?

Vedrana: I’m not sure I can.

DBM: Do you feel like giving him a second chance?

Vedrana: Will that change my HIV status?

DBM: No!

Vedrana: What’s the point then?

DBM: I am terribly sorry about what you have to go through because of him

Vedrana: Sorry doesn’t change a thing.

DBM: Some men, unfortunately do take for granted the very people they believe will always be there for them.

Vedrana: He took me for granted

DBM: I doubt if he truly, even understands what he has done to you and the family as a whole.

Vedrana: And now that he’s fronting the reality of losing me, he’s all of a sudden feeling the urgency to change?

DBM: That’s a man in panic mode for you. He’s going to promise you heaven and earth, knowing very well he will not keep even one.

Vedrana: His family is also on my neck begging me to allow him to come home.

DBM: They shouldn’t be begging you! They should be begging him instead to become a better man, whether or not you take him back.

Vedrana: I’ll keep you posted.

DBM: Hmmm! I usually would tell people everything is going to be alright.

Vedrana: Please don’t tell me. There is no ‘alright’ in being HIV+. I will be doing myself a disservice by sweettalking my emotions to believe that everything is going to be okay, when very likely, I might have to live with this scar for the rest of my life.

DBM: There is more than enough space in my prayer to carry you along on your journey, even though you might be feeling the weight of it is too heavy to carry alone. There certainly are more positive (+) things in your life than HIV.

Vedrana: That’s very sweet of you. You’re right, I have worked so hard to be such a damn, incredible doctor.

Image Credit: Jeff Denlea

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