1+2+3+4

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Mr. Dave, pls treat this as an anonymous post. We have a very thoughtful and open-minded pastor at church, who also happens to be our spiritual counsel. I’ve known him to be fond of me for yrs and his wife, we all know likes my husband very much. We, as in, the 4 of us. 2 years into our marriage, my husband came to me with his concerns about feeling confined to practice monogamy in our relationship. He made us discuss the subject of allowing for more sexual freedom without us damaging our marriage. He wanted us to open our marriage but to a select few.

I didn’t know where that idea was coming from, so I was a bit confused. We’ve been going for counseling separately, and he had become very attached to our pastor’s wife. He feels very much in love with her. My own counseling sessions with our pastor has had its toll on me too. I feel seen and attended to. I have shared a lot of secrets and intimate feelings with him and he’s been open to sharing his own desires with me. My pastor mentioned the other day that, he and his wife had decided to open their marriage so they can develop deep, meaningful connections with other people – while remaining each other’s primary partner in their marriage.

He did not want to be the only one in their relationship having his needs met while his wife stayed home to be faithful to him. He wanted her to also have the opportunity dip her toes into getting to know what else was exciting out there. My pastor told me his wife already knew who she wanted, my husband. Because he made her feel more alive than he makes her. Pastor told me just recently that he is having romantic love feelings for me and wants to bring it up so we can discuss it. Though I am the one seeking his counsel, he tells me I have been a warm, accepting and caring audience to his own problems.

The transference of feelings has happened on both ends, and I can’t believe I am saying this but my husband was so happy for me when I told him about my first date with our pastor. I have had the capacity to equally feel excited for him when he tells me all about his date nights with our pastor’s wife. The four of us have met twice already to openly talk about our experiences and what is working for us. Pastor was telling me he has realized his wife has become a lot friendlier, accommodating and freer since she started experiencing sex and intimacy with my husband.

Though I am a bit nervous to begin physically exploring intimacy with my pastor, I feel like I am ready to cross that bridge, though unorthodox. I wouldn’t claim my marriage is perfect now, but it’s pretty awesome. My husband, all of a sudden doesn’t take me for granted. He’s become extremely caring and gentle, which feels like an achievement for me.

Image Credit:  Liliana Drew

Date Me! (Q&A) 5

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hello Osempakani Kweku Poku Addae,

Thank you for your question and nice to meet you. I was not afraid to marry her right away because I knew the kind of woman she was. The type to bring growth into my life. Also, I had un-fucked myself from the ‘not worthy of a good woman’ syndrome. In all honesty, marrying Bernice was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My point is, a woman going through any form of heartbreak learns to fend for herself if she has to, and in doing so, she becomes aware of her immediate environment and who is there to catch her in case she falls. I was ready to be okay if she was scared or felt insecure.

It’s okay if someone’s emotions aren’t as strong as the excitement you may be feeling for them. It was a new venture I was proposing we embarked on. Afterall, what’s the worst that could have happened to any of us again? My beloved wife had died by then. Bernice’s beloved Rex stood her up at the alter. What else could come? Many of us are being fed by the lies fear whispers in our ears; that we will never find someone deserving of our kind of heart and love; that our bodies or looks aren’t good enough to attract the right kind of people we desire; that if we’re to be bold enough to put ourselves out there in search of love at our age, we will look like a fool, etc.

What’s the worst that could happen? Those were the questions I was asking myself in the car with her. What’s the worst that could happen? I knew I was presenting a new relationship to her at the wrong time, but wrong timing can also be an opportunity to do things differently. To answer your second question, you cannot love someone enough to make everything work out. I didn’t have to do or prove anything. I just made sure that anytime she was around me, she felt content and accepted. I did not create room for her to be anxious or misunderstood. I made her needs important. I assured her of my support and not once, sucked the life out of her. Not once have I spoken to put her down or make her feel like she isn’t good enough to accomplish anything.

Just because we love certain people doesn’t make them right for us. I chose my own happiness and in doing so, I chose Bernice, rather than waiting on her to choose me.

Date Me (Q&A) 4

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hello Daavi Elikem,

Thank you for your question and nice to meet you. I was not bothered that Bernice needed time to process her memory of Rex. My arriving in her life to love her wasn’t the perfect timing, so I knew it was going to take getting used to, which I anticipated could take a long time. I had to take a stance to give my relationship with her a fighting chance. I knew how to lay low and also stand back till she was ready to ‘see’ me. As I stated earlier, I am a very patient man and I understood my time would eventually come to get her full attention. My daily communications with her were calm, my love was steadfast; I became a good friend to her, a man who wasn’t judgmental towards her feelings and actions. I gave her more than a reason to count on me. I showed Bernice first-hand what a relationship with me would look like: Good! It was going to be a good relationship. And she saw it, she remembered it, and she cherished it. She cherished me.

 

Daavi Elikem,

This is Bernice. I had never given the idea of marrying my boss a thought before his proposal. Remember he used to be married when I joined his company. I was also in a committed relationship with my ex. Remember when he said, “Do you know what you need right now? You need a man who has reached the age of commitment. You are a woman seriously trying to find a husband. Date me!” It wasn’t ‘sparks’ at first glance, but rather ‘keep talking boss, I want to hear more of what you’re saying’.

In my mind, I was also thinking something along the lines of giving him a chance to know me beyond friendship. Also, when his wife died, I used to wish I could make him mine, so I could take care of him while he grieved. Our professional relationship led us to our decisions, I think. I genuinely love and respect him as my boss, and that love and respect has grown and evolved in our marriage as a couple. I agreed to marry him because he was an outstanding husband to his late wife. My husband is a man of integrity and fortitude. He has a lot of love in him to give. He respects people and treats his employees right. I knew he would know how to take good care of me.

Lastly, I had developed myself into the woman I wanted to be first. My finances were in order. I was healthy. I had a good career. I was ready to settle down and take up new responsibilities. I was prepared to find a man like my boss who was excited to be with me – because he knew I kicked so much ass already.

Date Me! (Q&A) 3

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Francisca Senaya,

He raised concerns over whether I had been sleeping with my boss while dating him. I didn’t feel the need to respond to his question, and so I pretended I didn’t hear him. But I told him I needed to date and explore other options after what he had put me through; I needed to date men who have never hurt me. He didn’t believe I was or could have gotten married that soon. He didn’t think my family would even allow that. He thought I was making an attempt to get him jealous, thus projecting a false representation of myself to him.

I insisted on being friends with him after he expressed his interest again but he wanted more than just friendship. He did apologize though, for the humiliation he caused. He acknowledged how he had hurt me and what he had learned from his actions. He promised not to repeat his mistakes again if I gave him a second chance. It was when my husband joined the table that he realized I wasn’t joking about being married. My ex was a bit disappointed but his emotions were not my responsibility. He was respectful and I think he handled my new reality like a grown adult.

Over the years, he would call me once or twice in a year to check on me and apologize. He married a different woman eventually. He and the lady he cheated on me with have a son together. I did not need to find closure in my ex. I found closure from within and believing in the fact that, not all men are out to hurt me. That was what healed my heartbreak. I had to let the memory of my ex go, and I never contacted him again for any reason.

Date Me! (Q&A) 2

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

JC Queen,

I was shocked and devastated. I felt betrayed, alone and dismayed. I felt blind-sided, and was intensely hurt. I remember my ex’s sister telling me that being stood up didn’t mean my relationship or marriage was over yet. She kept reassuring me that her brother’s actions didn’t mean he didn’t love me. And I wanted to believe her so badly. I started to think I was going crazy but my husband kept telling me I wasn’t, and that, I was just very, very hurt.

We had been monogamous, or so I thought, for four years. That night was long, honestly. I was thinking about a whole lot. I had to imagine my walk to the clinic to test for STD. If a woman was pregnant for him, then they were having unprotected sex. I had to play that terrible movie of us waiting in the carpark for hours at the Chapel on repeat. I tortured myself with all the unsavory visuals and exaggerated sounds of them having sex.

When my husband asked me to marry him in the afternoon, I felt like his proposal could close a door behind me. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief because I knew he wasn’t joking. Relief that I didn’t have to tolerate betrayal and deceit. My husband and I already clicked as work colleagues, so the proposal instantly drew my attention to the possibility of him being the man I actually wanted to marry, and possibly, have children with. Though I did not accept his proposal there and then, my heart did accept him without hesitation.

My dear sister, JC Queen, this life is too short not to grip onto a new, available kind of love and explore its promises. Moving on has never been a problem for me. I have never been the type of girl to also convince people about my decisions. I will not let an ex, my family, friends or even the world bring me down. My husband’s first marriage was an absolutely beautiful experience for him. He used to tell us about it at work. So, I knew marrying and sharing experience with a man like him could be extremely rewarding and beneficial to my life. He is one person I can spend time with and be happy. He is a man I can depend on and trust wholeheartedly.

Every single day with my husband these 16 years has been a CHOICE TO STAY MARRIED.

Date Me! (Q&A) 1

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hello Kara Naa Akushika

Thank you for your question and nice to meet you. When I first met my late wife, I just knew what I felt for her, though it’s hard to sometimes describe. With Bernice, my feelings developed months after I had buried my first wife. I didn’t know I had fallen in love with her that much until the night to her wedding. I realized I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Those were the raw feelings that let me know that I could be living a real-life version of my own rom-com.

The morning of their wedding, I was supposed to call and wish her the best of luck but I didn’t. I was sad that she was going to marry a man she loved. I remember when I was interacting with her father in their house while we waited for her to get dressed, I told my father-in-law his daughter was one of the most important people I cared about at work. Bernice is the type that would stay late to help when her colleague is buried in work.

When I first interviewed her as a candidate for a role, before she left the premises of our offices, she had sent the whole interview panel a lovely thank-you note. We already had agreed she would be shortlisted, however, her thank-you note sealed it for me. It was thoughtful. It was prompt. It was beautifully written. Post-interview, the panel felt good about her, but after reading the kind words, we all loved her.

To answer your question, I didn’t know my true feelings for her until the night before her wedding. Bernice began to take up a major real estate in my thoughts. And I remember thinking that I had never experienced that with anyone. Not even my late wife. But the good thing is, I wasn’t eager to ruin her wedding day with my selfish feelings for her. It didn’t matter if it meant me losing my chance to love her. I was willing to continue to respect and support her relationship with Rex.

Date Me! (part 3)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

This is Nana. I am Bernice’s husband. My wife told me about your request to want to share some of our pictures from her Facebook. I want us to remain anonymous. Sorry. I know my wife wouldn’t mind but I do. But everything happened just as she said.

For her choice of dialogue in her submission, I can only say my wife can be extra in her delivery. When Bernice is telling our story to friends and family, you don’t get to hear just one story. You get to hear two: her version and mine. Her version is always sweeter because she knows how to spice it up with a bit of drama and liveliness.

Remembering peculiar incidents like ours differently doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. My wife’s emotions sometimes color her memory but that’s one of the things I love about her. It makes listening to her fun and entertaining. A few things my wife forgot to add. When I first proposed to her that afternoon at my house, she did not give an affirmative yes. I had to find out how she felt about me asking her dad for her hand in marriage.

Her father and I bonded at their house when she was about to marry Rex. Because I was going to be driving them to the church, I was there waiting and had the opportunity to be introduced to her family. When Rex failed to show up at the Chapel, Bernice’s mother came to join us in the car, but Bernice insisted to be left alone. I left with Bernice because she asked me to drive and go as far away from the situation. I called her father to inform him of where I was taking their daughter.

Her mother and father joined us in my house that evening to check on her. I wasn’t dreading spending time together with my father-in-law because he already approved of me because I was his daughter’s favorite boss at work. He had heard a lot about me from Bernice already. I informed both of her parents about my intentions that same evening and her father was in agreement. I felt they deserved to be informed because they both raised her. My mother-in-law was a bit hesitant initially but she came on board later on, when I assured her of my love for her daughter. I am a confident man and I was honest to her. I was going to take very good care of their daughter.

Just as my wife stated, we did the traditional marriage a month after my proposal. I wasn’t given a list. We were asked to just present the dowry bride wealth so her family members could consent to the marriage. I willingly gave a huge sum of money to be shared and that was it. A day was fixed for me to come and take my bride away. We signed in court the following month and we were officially married. There was no party. There was no merrymaking.

Bernice also forgot to add that, we did not have sex for over three months after we married. What she felt for Rex was real and I didn’t know if she was going to survive without him by her side. Being stood up on her wedding day was one of the hardest things for her to come to terms with. And I understood that. So, I gave her time to process her feelings and grieve her loss. Both of which were of utmost importance as they paved the way for my wife to finally move on to write a new chapter with me.

I love Bernice so much that, I was willing to allow her to be vulnerable and give herself time and space to cry. I was not afraid to join her sometimes to let all of our emotions out and cry together. I drafted a one-year leave request to HR on her behalf, and it was forwarded to me for approval. No one at work knew we had been married for almost a year and a half.

This version plus hers should sum up our full story. Thank you, guys.

Image Credit: Marayah Stumbo

 

Date Me! (Part 2)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Dave, how are you doing? My husband extends his warmest greetings. We read all the comments on my story on your Facebook. Thank you, again for sharing our story.

“Date who?” I made a somber face with a dismissive wave and gaped back at him.

“Date me! I was just thinking about you for the first time in a way I have never thought of” he said

“This is weird.” I cried

“I know it’s so weird but it’s so perfect.” He laughed “Because you have been rejected by the man you love doesn’t mean you won’t find someone who loves you.”

“You love me?” I freaked out

“Yeah!” he said simply. “Sometimes I am not sure what I feel for you when I see you at work. I mean, I know you’re not crazy about me.”

“I am not!” my face started to darken as I began to cry for real – for real. I was so confused I couldn’t catch my breath. My boss then begun to tell me a story. He said he hired me because at my job interview with his panel, I told him it was my job description to set a strategic direction for his company. Apparently, what I said touched him because none of his employees had made such a forward-thinking viewpoint. They all were assuming it was his responsibility as the CEO, to be clear about his company’s strategy.

What he was saying was true though. I always have a clear outlook about the big picture vison for any organization I have worked with, while also knowing and understanding how my role helps or would help to bring about that vision. My boss stopped talking when we heard an announcement being made by the pastor that there was not going to be a wedding. Dave, it was mortifying. My boss placed the key in the ignition and turned it all the way to start the engine of the car. He pushed the clutch pedal down, and then moved the gear stick into first. We could hear the keyboardist playing music while it slowly wafted away. We sat in the car in dead silence as he drove off.

As we drove down the bumpy road to his house, he kept assuring me, “Bernice, you don’t always have to find love. Sometimes, it finds you.” I didn’t want to say anything but I had to ask what marriage meant to him. He shared how sacred his marriage to his late wife was. He described it as pure as it could be. There was no room for mistrust, manipulation or dishonesty. The energy they shared was positive and mutual enough to lift each other up. They supported and encouraged each other to the end of one.

“I don’t want much when it comes to marriage. Just care for me, Bernice, and I promise to love you. You don’t have to even love me.” he said, “You already let me be myself at work. We’re adults here: you’ve become my good friend with whom I know I can comfortably share anything about myself with.”

My former boss was my friend. He was right. I hadn’t thought of him as a friend because I usually treat every conversation with an employer like a conversation with a consular officer. I give as little information and only what they ask. Secondly, I felt it generally wasn’t the best idea to be friends with him. I have seen similar relationships in the past where colleagues built personal relationships with their employers or bosses, it made things complicated when the boss had to make very difficult decisions. Being a leader at the workplace myself, I am accountable for only results; my performance and the performances of those I supervise. I didn’t want to put myself in a situation whereby my employer’s desire to do right by me would conflict his responsibility to his job and company.

We got to his house and guess who was waiting for us in front of his gate? My ex-fiancé. He knew I could be there because we had been invited to his home, three months prior to be offered his services as our personal chauffer. He was crying. My boss lowered the car windows of my side for me to hear him out. He explained his reasons for standing me up; he wasn’t 100% sure about his true feelings for me. He was confused and didn’t know how to tell me the truth. He told me ardently that he wasn’t sure he wanted to go ahead with our relationship, six months prior. Dave, the issue is, I accidentally found the engagement ring he had bought for me in the pockets of one of his trousers when I was doing his laundry, six months prior. In fact, I thought it was all part of his proposal ‘discovery’ plan.

Unfortunately, I found out on my wedding day it wasn’t. He said he had thought about it and realized it wouldn’t be fair to me, knowing very well the mother of his unborn child also loved him. To make the long story short, he did not have the heart to explain what was going on in his life to me. My boss was so enraged, he got out of the car and walked towards him to punch him in the face. My fiancé didn’t attempt fighting back. He was just upset and he cried. He felt scared and ashamed of what he had done to me. He apologized and called his uncle and mother to gather his family to go to my family house to dissolve our traditional marriage and take their drinks back.

Dave, my anger wouldn’t even escalate as I watched and listened to him call his family. “We’ll talk later” was all I could say. Our wedding hadn’t even happened yet and I was already beat and tired of being the center of attention.

“We will talk later, Bernice.” He responded, taking me by the wrist. I could sense he was emotionally hurt. It was upsetting for me to think the one person I loved wanted to hurt me this way. I felt there was more to him than his behavior. He had been a stringer all along and I couldn’t see it. Honestly, I was never coming on too strong in our relationship. He was the one who hadn’t made up his mind about us. He was the one telling me anything that would get me to stick around without his needing to seriously commit to me. I fell for it, unfortunately for four years. But I was not going to cry about it and be wandering in my boss’s house in my pyjamas. There was no point in trying to feel or describe to him the pain I felt when reality finally sank in.

We left my ex-fiancé behind the gate and entered the house. My boss showed me my room. He helped me to get out of the wedding gown and showed me his late wife’s closet for me to select something to wear. When I joined him in the living room wearing his wife’s dress, he gawked at me for long. Wearing a dead woman’s dress in her husband’s house taught me that there is more to love than just fate. I could see he adored me in that dress.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked

“You can’t see what I am seeing?” he responded

“What do you see?” I wondered

“I don’t see the wound inflicted on you today at the Chapel by your fiancé. The scar is slightly marked on your face but it’s also a testament that wounds heal. I’m so attracted to you right now, Bernice.” He kept staring

I was surprised in that moment to realize I wasn’t actually even the least upset with his comment. I found myself oddly thankful for the worst thing that ever happened to my hopes and dreams. Because, inside that house was a living witness inspiring me not to cling on too tightly to my past memories, else, I may never heal. Dave, my boss is a man I dearly respect. Professionally speaking, he is the success I aspire to achieve in my dreams. In other words, he was the man of my dreams. So, listening to the ‘man’ of my dreams say to me, I am the woman of his dreams had to mean something. Afterall, we had been working together long enough for him to know if he really wanted to make that earnest commitment.

All of the day’s happenings flushed down the drain when he told me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. I was in shock, to say the least. But beyond the shock, it was comical. I laughed in his face and told him how silly he sounded. I mean, he had to be kidding me, right?

“No, I am not kidding you, Bernice.” He responded

Oh, now he could read my mind too? “You mean now?” I gasped

“Not right now. You can take as much time as you need but do not forget marriage is on the table” he said.

My ex-fiancé and I hadn’t spoken in a month to one another, and I just wanted the entire chapter of our story to read itself off. He called me out of the blue to meet over lunch, under a more relaxed circumstance. I got to the location on time and he arrived late. It was supposed to be a casual meet but he came holding rose flowers and an engagement ring box. He wanted to ask me to marry him again. According to him, he realized he could not lose me even if he wanted to.

By the way, did I mention my boss had brough his family to meet my family to ask for my hand in marriage, exactly one month after proposing to me? We did the traditional marriage and signed in court. So, as at the time my ex was asking me to forgive and marry him again, I had my husband’s rings on. My ex saw my rings on my ring-finger and almost mistook it for his, till he had a second look at the 18CT Yellow/White Gold 1.00ct Diamond Ring. My husband was supposed to be waiting for me in the car but he joined us at the table. When he approached me, I swear his hug and touch was electric. I was smitten, and immediately knew I was done with my ex.

Dave, life often presents us with challenges that come dressed as openings. An example of such an opportunity is when I made the decision to quit a previous job that looked down on my contributions, to take on a lower position and role at my husband’s company. The initial compensation amount offered me was less than the money I expected, desired or previously received elsewhere. It seemed like I was failing myself but then, I worked hard enough to turn it into a doorway to a more fulfilling career. I rose through the ranks over the years to the extent that, what once seemed like an end, suddenly, looked like a fresh beginning. It was through this new job that I uncovered potentials I didn’t know I had. My initial disappoint actually was a catalyst to a whole new world of journeys yet untraveled.

Just like everyone else I’ve had those moments I doubted my decisions in love, and even wondered if I had made good to what was deserving of me. I am a good and honest woman. I am very loving and authentic. I am deserving of a man who has done the inner work to figure out who he is, what he wants, who he wants, what his purpose is, and what his needs are. I am deserving of a man who has taught himself about the good in himself. I am deserving of my husband’s love. I am deserving of my two beautiful teenage kids with him. I am deserving of every year spent with him in these past 16 years of our lives together.

Image Credit: Alexander Mass

Date Me! (Part 1)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

16 years ago, my then fiancé left me, my family, his family, our friends and a host of invited guests waiting for him to show up on our wedding day. He did not show. Dave, I had been dreaming about my wedding day, and even the dress I would wear since before I met my him. I had pictured it in my head and even shared our big day with him. Though it was difficult to get that perfect and well-planned image into words, he loved every bit of the detail I managed to describe to him. He added his own vision of his wedding day and we realized our D-day was going to be the opposite of anxious.

We both wanted a comfortable and fun event. We agreed on something simple, budget friendly, yet romantic and beautiful beyond belief. I could practically see myself walking up the aisle in my satin ballgown with a smooth slit, a long train, buttons down the back of my wedding dress. I wore the exact gown 16 years ago to create into reality our dream. The situation for that day was beyond ugly. It was embarrassing and sad. I was in the car parked in front of the chapel with my dad, waiting for a signal to join the service.

My fiancé loved me very much and I know he also craved the same level of safety and security that being married could bring us. I remember while we waited for like forever for that damn signal, my dad shared the story of how he could not wait to settle down with my mum in marriage on their wedding day.  He asked if I felt the same way about my fiancé and my answer was yes; I was not willing to wait. Neither was he.

After being in the car for what seemed like an hour, his sister came to where we had parked to inform us of her brother’s decision. He wasn’t coming. The look on her face broke me. She was my friend and couldn’t wait to officially call me her sister in love. It was brought to my attention that her brother had gotten a lady pregnant and she wasn’t going to abort nor raise the child. She wanted us to raise her child. Yes, you read right. Me and my fiancé to raise the child she was having with him. Those were her conditions, else she was going to show up in church and raise her hand when it came to the part of, ‘If anyone here has an objection, speak now or forever hold your peace’.

My dad asked what I was going to do and I told him to go inside the chapel with my friend to apologize to everyone and cancel the day. They left and I was in the car alone with the driver. The driver was my boss at work who had volunteered to be my personal chauffer. He was a widower. His wife had died the year before. “Why did you offer to be our driver today?” I asked.

“Because you have been consistent at being the direct report that sees the chaos and cleans it up at work. You fix any unexpected problem at work. I have seen you move mountains to deliver on commitments in my company. You have made me a ton of money and also pulled the entire team at work together. I see what you do for my business. This was the least I could do for you and your husband.” he answered, while smiling.

Dave, even though I couldn’t avoid being sad and literally, watching my dream of a ‘happily ever after’ crumble, that little moment with my boss became my biggest motivation to immediately sit up and try to be thankful for all things happening together for my good. I started to believe that I deserved what was better than the embarrassment of a failed wedding in front of family and friends.

“Do you know what you need right now?” my boss asked, “You need a man who has reached the age of commitment. You are a woman seriously trying to find a husband. Date me!”

Dave, I am getting ready to go join my husband in bed. I will continue with the second part of our love story tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Image Credit: Pavel Danilyuk

100% To 50%

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David, good morning. My husband talks a lot. And because he talks a lot, he lies a lot so that he doesn’t have to sit with himself and listen. He doesn’t realize this but he talks to distract himself from the quiet reality of what the real problem is. He is always trying to ‘fix’ me or other people’s problems but hates it when others do it to him. He did something that broke the jar of trust I used to pour in him. I tried to forgive but I couldn’t, and so I did something almost similar to what he had done and I guess he couldn’t stomach the feelings that my activities invoked within him.

Dave, do you guys for a second consider our feelings when you do shitty stuff in hiding and except us to shoulder the emotional weight of your unhealthy actions? Seriously, it got to a point in our marriage I had to tell myself to stop casting myself as the only human being who could make my husband happy. There are certain unrealistic expectations I refuse to look forward to in a man. It’s an incredible burden women ought not put on themselves. But that doesn’t mean we are a horrible couple.

My husband intentionally broke our bond and was expecting me to heal our wounded marriage. Make this make sense to me. When in reality his initial actions had nothing to do with me. I am not part of the stereotypes strongly crowning women to handle pain better than men. Dave, you guys should know that you have been dishing out hurt, disrespect, betrayals and all forms of abuse to women for centuries. You engage us and think you can do anything and get away with it? Isn’t it humbling even for you to picture the sorts of bullshit your gender is constantly, inflicting on women?

Ask a lot of the women on your platform. Many have become the punching bags of their inconsiderate husbands. They are living with so much frustration because these men are refusing to hear or listen to them when they complain about what they’re doing, or not doing, which is causing them enormous pain. Husbands who have become masters of all sorts of unbearable pain at their home; giving it – not taking it. And you know the annoying part? How you guys would twist the very pain you cause so we feel it’s our fault.

My happiness and peace of mind as a woman, and a wife is not my husband’s responsibility. But if you’re coming to me in the name of love, then your intention should be to contribute or add to my peace and not to disrupt it. Dave, no woman is perfect but the truth is that, if a woman is doing something and she realizes that it’s hurting her man, she would stop it as soon as she finds out. My husband, on the other hand needs a convincing reason to change and it needs to be more compelling than my unhappiness or misery. How wicked can a man be?

The way you speak to, and treat your wife reflects in how she behaves. I don’t know how the universe arranged it but that’s how it is. Your wife will take the form and shape that will reproduce you in ways you have probably never imagined. So, if you start from giving a 100% of you in the relationship, do not shortchange yourself later on to give a 50% because the excitement has faded on your part. Or you suddenly know what’s up because you have come into a little money. Listen, a God-fearing woman naturally is motivated to do what is right by you simply by understanding that her actions or inactions hurt you. If you continue to break her, you will have to learn the hard way – that you are married to a woman who just doesn’t care anymore if her actions hurt or offends you, so long as she gets what she wants. And, she will get what she wants.

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