Truth Will Set Us Free

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Kukua: My husband and the Chief Financial Officer at their firm were stealing from their company. I confronted him at first and he denied. He insisted I was accusing him of theft without evidence, and so I contacted his boss through his wife, who is my friend, and made him aware of my suspicions. They conducted a thorough investigation into the matter before hiding cameras in smoke detectors at their offices and marked all of the bills. They caught them in the act three weeks after I had made it known to his boss. Their employments were terminated and charges pressed against them. They are currently serving a 7-year jail term. Dave, I know I went to the extreme with this but I was very disappointed in my husband.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How did you know he was stealing?

Kukua: I eavesdropped on him on two occasions at home when he had to sneak out of bed at dawn to answer a call out of the bedroom. I went through a few of his messages on phone with the finance guy whenever he slept deep, and it had been going on for years. The evidence during court proceedings showed my husband alone had made away with almost 650k. I honestly thought I was married to a man of integrity and honor.

DBM: You have kids?

Kukua: We have two boys together

DBM: Do you work?

Kukua: I work

DBM: Okay! So, the kids are well taken care of then?

Kukua: We can survive on my salary. Also, my husband’s boss asked his company to be sending me and the children a substantial amount every month towards their upkeep.

DBM: That’s kind of him. Do the kids know about their father’s whereabouts?

Kukua: Yes. He doesn’t want them to visit him in prison but they know he’s been incarcerated.

DBM: Do they know about his crime?

Kukua: Yes, I told them everything

DBM: Everything, meaning they know you were the one who snitched on him?

Kukua: Yes

DBM: How do they feel about that?

Kukua: I have raised my boys to do the right things. They know what the right thing is, and have the strength of character to do and stand by it.

DBM: Good for you!

Kukua: My husband is asking for a divorce

DBM: Do you want a divorce?

Kukua: No

DBM: You have my sympathy by the way. I pray you figure out the best way to navigate yourself through this mess.

Kukua: Thank you. It’s a whole lot of mess. My in-laws are mad at me. His friends are mad at me. Everyone is mad at me.

DBM: You can’t fix a marriage with only one interested party

Kukua: Everything I’ve done, I’ve done out of love

DBM: He feels betrayed

Kukua: He did wrong. He committed a crime.

DBM: I concur. Find yourself a good lawyer and look out for your interests.

Kukua: My husband is my favorite interest. I have apologized for getting him locked up but he doesn’t want to hear it. He shuts down and would get defensive. It’s so frustrating

DBM: You questioned his character with your accusation, and now, being in jail belittles him. That is part of the emotional triggers he’s battling with.

Kukua: Do you think I did the wrong thing?

DBM: You did the right thing, though in a typical man’s thinking, what you did was none of your business.

Kukua: My husband can testify that I have been his source of support anytime he felt insecure or challenged. But I wasn’t going to stand up for him and publicly show my support for a wrongdoing. He was robbing my friend’s husband’s business. The same business that was supporting his livelihood. That wasn’t right.

DBM: I agree with you. I am just putting my male-thinking cap on to make you realize how he also might be feeling. A man expects his partner to protect him through thick and thin, because we believe it would go a long way to help everyone at the end of the day, including the kids.

Kukua: Let me tell you what else their investigations brought to the attention of the court; my husband was channeling the funds to build two, three separate bedroom homes. One of the properties was in the name of our first son, which I knew nothing of; and the other was in the name of a lady he had impregnated. Dave, mind you, I did not know anything about any of this. It came as a shock to me in court. And, I got to know of, and met his side-piece in court, heavily pregnant.

DBM: Oh no!

Kukua: That is how low he descended

DBM: You are 100% sure you did not call him out because he was having an affair?

Kukua: I did not know about that. And I would have confronted him if I knew about an affair. I told you; I used to go through his phone because I was curious about what he was up to with the Finance Officer.

DBM: Wow!

Kukua: Yeah, wow. My husband will deny doing something wrong while doing something wrong. Tell me, Dave, how do I protect a man from doing something wrong in situations where he feels there is no wrong?

DBM: This is a tough one

Kukua: Do you think he will ever forgive me? Because I know my marriage is worth fighting for

DBM: He will never forgive you. Let me tell you a true story. I know of three ladies in Ghana. They are all my cool friends. They are all divorced, unfortunately. Before their individual divorces, they had shared with me separate incidences where their ex-husbands had physically abused them. Two were choked and held down while being severely beaten during a heated argument; the other was punched in the face, slapped and pushed to the ground. He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her across the room in the presence of their children. I remember one of their kids narrating to me – how he heard and saw his dad insult his mum, while pulling her on the ground by the hair. All the ladies made a police case out of the assaults, and got their men arrested. They were put behind bars for 24-hour or less. Families of these men had to come in to apologize to their in-laws before they withdrew their charges against them. None of the ex-husband forgave their wives. They held the police incidents over their heads till they divorced them.

Kukua: That’s sad

DBM: Your husband is currently plotting his next move. And, it will be against you. It’s better to have a plan ‘A’ to ‘D’ before his release.

Kukua: I don’t know

DBM: You said he’s asking for a divorce, no?

Kukua: Yes

DBM: Look, I am no perfect person but I am telling you this for a fact: This your husband made conscious choices that ultimately led him to every single decision he has taken. He stepped out on your marriage and got another woman pregnant. Let him just keep stepping after prison. Understand that he made calculated choices to cross a series of boundaries. Grant him the divorce he’s requesting.

Kukua: Let me just pray about it. Thanks Dave.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Happiness Seeker

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Charlotte: Mr. David, how are you doing? I have a problem. I don’t know if it’s an actual problem or it’s just my own insecurities stemming from fear. I think my husband doesn’t want to be married anymore. He hasn’t specifically told me that but I feel like he’s checking out slowly on us.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Have you talked to him about your observation?

Charlotte: Yes. He thinks I’m worrying over nothing

DBM: Are you?

Charlotte: No. My husband is the type to say what you want to hear to make you happy. He’s not the kind to be upfront with the truth.

DBM: What made you want to marry a man who is not upfront with the truth?

Charlotte: Love

DBM: Ask him if he is happily married to you

Charlotte: Direct like that?

DBM: Would you not want to know?

Charlotte: I want to know but what if he says no? What happens to me?

DBM: If someone tells me they do not love me anymore, I will respect my own feelings and do everything possible to change the status quo.

Charlotte: He does not have time to spend with me and the children. He compensates the children by buying them things or taking them out once in a while.

DBM: Is he a workaholic?

Charlotte: His job isn’t that demanding

DBM: Is that a guesstimate or he said so himself?

Charlotte: He told me. That is why I find it a bit baffling. He has time for friends. He has time to have fun. He has time to travel. He has time for social gatherings. He has time to be on his phone, 24/7. If I am lucky to be invited to a public function alongside him, there would be no display of affection between us, but you will see him excited talking to the wives and girlfriends of other people.

DBM: So, at such functions, you can also talk to the husbands and boyfriends of other people. You don’t need your husband’s approval or permission to do that.

Charlotte: I don’t subscribe to tit for tat.

DBM: It’s not tit for tat. You need to take control of what interests you too. Your husband is probably engaging in conversations about politics, football, money, governance, work etc. with people. Find people who speak your same language and connect with them. You don’t have to have your husband at all cost to be doing things with you. It’s an indirect form of control. It pushes men away

Charlotte: What if I want him to be discussing those topics with me instead at home? What if I want to tag along when he’s traveling with someone to go on one of his exploration trips?

DBM: You want my opinion?

Charlotte: Of course,

DBM: Do not beg anyone to spend time with you, not even a husband. If you want to travel to sight-see, plan the trip and go anyways, with or without him. You know what you want. You know what you need. What is stopping you from telling your husband what you intend doing and doing it anyways?

Charlotte: I fear pushing him more away if I’m to start acting that way

DBM: I don’t know how you want to live the rest of your life but you need to adjust your priorities accordingly and become your own happiness seeker.

Charlotte: If he’s seeking his happiness and I am seeking mine, who will take care of the children?

DBM: Alternate your weekends. If he is going out this weekend, stay at home with the kids. Next weekend, you can go out and live your best life while he remains home with the kids. That is the fairest thing to do, in my opinion.

Charlotte: Dave, sometimes we need our husbands.

DBM: You have your husband

Charlotte: Yeah, but I need him to be a part of what we do as a family.

DBM: You need him because…?

Charlotte: There is no one else I would want by side.

DBM: Have you told him that?

Charlotte: In other words, yes.

DBM: No, I mean in those exact words

Charlotte: No.

DBM: Is he patient with you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he listen to you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he understand you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he let you cry?

Charlotte: I feel like sometimes he just doesn’t care if I cry

DBM: Has he been your constant support and encouragement?

Charlotte: Not really

DBM: Is he leading your family?

Charlotte: I don’t know

DBM: Does he provide for the family?

Charlotte: He’s doing the best he can

DBM: Does he protect your family?

Charlotte: I don’t know how to answer that. He’s generally not home. My son was telling me the other day that his father is hardly home to spend time with them.

DBM: Does he respect you?

Charlotte: I don’t know

DBM: Does he pray for you?

Charlotte: No

DBM: Is he honest with you?

Charlotte: Not really

DBM: Does he make you laugh?

Charlotte: Why all these questions?

DBM: A ‘yes’ to my questions should have been the only reason why you need your husband. Do not let your world close in on you because of marriage and children in the mix. There are some men who, the more you chase for their attention, the more they run from you. If you feel your husband is checking out, let him; while you work on differentiating yourself as an individual in your own right, while being connected to the marriage as a whole.

Charlotte: Hmmm

DBM: Marriage and family life is challenging, don’t get me wrong. I am figuring my own out the best way I know how. But truth is, no matter what you do or whatever your approach is, marriage and family life can be challenging.

Charlotte: Dave, thank you.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Sight Restored (Q&A)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hi Dave, I just read a comment from a Linda Sam. My healing commenced long before I became incapacitated. I loved my ex-husband but I was discerning enough to hold on to my own identity. When we married, I merged some of my money. We opened a joint account from which we paid all shared expenses. But I kept a separate account for myself. When it comes to finances in marriage, I admonish every woman not to merge every penny they earn in one joint family fund. My take home pay was $5700 and my ex-husband’s was Ghs10,400. He was putting in 45% of his income and I was contributing 55% of mine. I earn in USD so I was making 10 times his salary. My mother advised me to always have a hefty amount of money in a joint account if I married, so it can take care of any contingency, like unemployment or sickness, for at least, eight months.

The mutual expense account was divided into three separate funds which covered other savings, including emergency. My personal reserve had more than $95,000 as at the time I stopped working. Our joint savings was over $45,000 and this was more than enough for our family to get by for more than a year of me not working. When I divorced my husband, I had my own nest egg to fall back on. I didn’t even need to fight him over any property or alimony. I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. His only responsibility right now is to take care of his children.

Dave, life in Ghana is expensive. Life in general is expensive. Check the cost of living lately. It’s mad expensive. There is no guarantee of job security. Our salaries are not rising at the same rate as expenses. Every woman, single or married needs to be able to support herself. Having a boyfriend or husband doesn’t always mean that your financial needs will be met. Be committed to a trade. Push yourself to achieve more. Be busy, always on the move. Make your own money. Be thinking of your next move. Invest. Save. Do not settle for less. Strive for more, whether in your career or in the ways you manage your household.

Do not rely heavily on a husband. Do not rely on a man you’re in a relationship with for financial support. Pursue a career before you marry. If you are married, pursue a career outside of the home, because some of these men you think you’re in love with CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

Linda Sam, the process to my healing was in my personal bank account. It was solid. It could sustain me. I could depend on it. You may not be able to control how or when you’ll get your heart broken, but you can control how you choose to cope with it, and ultimately, move forward if you have the right amount of emergency and security nest in your fund. The next process was having compassion on myself. I was worthy of that. I was worthy of grace towards myself. I allowed my heart to grief and be sad. I taught my heart to forgive my ex. I went back to work to make new connections with new people. I did not depress my mental health because of an ex. I needed a fresh start, so I opened myself up to new experiences.

I have a new routine. I don’t stress about what my ex-husband and the nurse did. I no longer care whether what they did was unfair or wrong.

Sight Restored

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Isabella: Hello David. I was bitten by a tick which led to me being paralyzed for almost a year. I remember brushing my teeth one morning and could not see my face in the mirror. I started to see visions and was hearing loud noises out of nowhere, I became terrified because I thought I was losing my mind. I did not tell my husband about my deteriorating eyesight, and I doubt he suspected anything, until one Sunday afternoon, I walked past my five-year old son at home without seeing him. Hospital trips followed but the specialists couldn’t diagnose exactly what was happening to me. Let me save the first part of my story here. I will come and continue in few minutes.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Okay!

Isabella: Hi David. I am back.

DBM: Welcome back. What happened next?

Isabella: I lost my hearing and eyesight in the process. The worst happened to me a few weeks later. I woke up one morning and had to hold myself up with my arms. I felt an excruciating pain from the waist down, which left me with very minimal feelings. I was bedridden days later. My husband became my caretaker for weeks and I think he started to get tired of it. He had to go back to work, and I understood that. My mother visited to take over for some time but had to also leave because my sister had given birth. It was her first baby after being married for 9 years. My husband then arranged with a young nurse who was willing to attend to me privately at home every day for a fee. She was the perfect help by all standards. She supported me to live a better and healthier life. Unbeknownst to my blind ass, my husband had made a separate arrangement with the nurse to be staying in our house.

DBM: Wait! At this point, you couldn’t see nor hear, no?

Isabella: Yes, and bedridden. I was being wheeled in a chair.

DBM: Ha!

Isabella: I realized she had been sleeping over because the nurse would be offering round-the-clock care and assistance, sometimes, even at dawn. In the sixth month of my dilemma, I noticed my breasts had become tender around the time I should have been expecting my period. It was confusing but I had seen the signs before. I was technically 4 weeks pregnant. I have a 28-day cycle, and had missed my period. Miraculously, I gained my eyesight and hearing when I became pregnant. The first thing I witnessed that evening was how close my husband and the nurse had built their own trusting relationship. They were kissing, right before my eyes. My son was asleep in his room.

DBM: Oh, my word!

Isabella: The nurse was overjoyed and excited and was discussing her mixed emotions with my husband because she had found out she was also pregnant with his child.

DBM: Ha! How did that make you feel?

Isabella: It was a difficult emotion to embrace. I couldn’t confront them because at first, I thought I was hallucinating. But it was what I was seeing. I kept my cool and continued to pretend I couldn’t see them. In fact, I got to know that they knew each other and were together long before my illness. I saw and heard a lot. I recorded a lot on my phone. Dave, would you want to know the straw that broke the camel’s back?

DBM: This camel, I doubt can take anymore load. What!

Isabella: There were many times at dawn that this nurse would get me out of bed while I’m asleep, and put me in the wheelchair. She moved me across the room to take my place in my matrimonial bed to have sex with my husband. I witnessed a few when I gained my eyesight and hearing.

DBM: I am terribly sorry about that.

Isabella: Don’t be. What would be would be.

DBM: Can you walk now?

Isabella: Yes, thankfully.

DBM: What about the pregnancy?

Isabella: I had my baby girl

DBM: Congratulations!

Isabella: Thanks, Dave.

DBM: You mind me asking how you kept your cool after what you heard and saw?

Isabella: I did not want to be stressed. It’s not healthy for me or my baby. Though I was in shock, I would be breathing in slowly for a count of five, holding my breath, and then pushing it back out for a count of five. That is how I managed to keep my cool.

DBM: I just tried to reverse the circumstances of the main characters of your story in my head. Your husband wouldn’t have survived even a week in your shoes. A lot of you women have had to tolerate so much disrespect and deceit, and have had to extend forgiveness on the daily to men who had vowed to do right by you.

Isabella: I did not waste away in the marriage after getting back on my feet. I divorced him. I had so much proof against them. Videos, audios, pictures. It was exhausting and hurtful. It was draining, being a cogwheel in such an unfortunate-go-round that never seemed to end.

DBM: Do you work?

Isabella: Yes. I returned to my old job. I am the IT Program Manager (Systems and Services Solution Team Lead) for an international organization.

DBM: Good. I thank GOD for your life. You know, not all men are like that!

Isabella: I know, Dave. I don’t hold one man’s actions against all others. No two men are the same.

DBM: It’s rather unfortunate that people would do and say any and everything they feel they’re entitled to, how they want, when they want, without taking a moment to think of the effects their actions and words have on those around them.

Isabella: I am a woman full of love and I had given him every ounce of it from my heart. The least I deserved was to be seen and treated the way I saw and treated him and our son. I deserved respect even when I wasn’t capable of seeing it. He made a choice. I made mine. Life goes on like that.

DBM: Being decent is a superpower because it is hard to want to do the right thing and be a man or woman of integrity.

Isabella: Yes

DBM: Do you miss him?

Isabella: I miss him, but that ship has long sailed. We co-parent our children beautifully, and that’s all I care about for now.

DBM: You have a son. A male child is a father’s favorite puzzle. How are you ensuring he doesn’t grow up to become what you hate?

Isabella: I am teaching my son how to be sensitive and respectful. I am teaching him about self-discipline. I am teaching him how to be compassionate and live it daily. I want him to grow into a man who will make a loving and caring companion. I am teaching him how to be empathetic. I am teaching him about honesty, kindness and hard work. I am helping him to feel secure. He already knows his sense of worth. He also knows he is deeply loved and he’s learning how to acknowledge his own feelings. He knows he’s equipped to express exactly how he’s feeling to us. And I am teaching him to take responsibility for his actions. It will greatly benefit the woman he marries someday. But most importantly, even better for the man he himself becomes.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Still A Virgin

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

Veliane: Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi

Veliane: Are you free?

DBM: For now, yeah! How are you?

Veliane: I’m great. Yourself?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Veliane: What’s your take on virginity?

DBM: You’re a virgin?

Veliane: I am

DBM: How old are you?

Veliane: 39

DBM: Oh nice! Congratulations!

Veliane: Lol

DBM: I’m serious.

Veliane: It doesn’t feel like a great feat to attain

DBM: What makes you say that?

Veliane: I’m still single. Lol!

DBM: And, that’s also okay

Veliane: Ok, while my biological clock ticks by the day?

DBM: Would you rather be having sex with people you’re not really sure about?

Veliane: I’ve been sure about a couple of guys I’ve dated in the past. Not giving in to their desire to be intimate with me broke us up.

DBM: You mind me asking why you’re holding on to your virginity?

Veliane: I want to experience sex only in marriage.

DBM: And, do you tell these guys your reason when they demand for sex?

Veliane: Yes

DBM: Do you feel pressured to have sex when in a serious relationship?

Veliane: All the time.

DBM: It’s a good thing to strongly understand your own desires. You should be proud of the fact that you have chosen to be true to yourself and not give in to the unnecessary pressures just to blend in.

Veliane: So, what really is your take on virginity?

DBM: I don’t think a woman’s value should be tied to her sexual innocence or lack thereof. Your body is your own and no one should have ownership over it except for you. Similarly, your body should not be controlled or delimited – as if it were a societal commodity.

Veliane: I agree with you.

DBM: If you feel like preserving it for the right person, preserve it for the right person.

Veliane: Since you’re a man, can you explain why men make a big deal out of sex when they’re in a relationship with us?

DBM: First off, it’s not every man that would make a big deal out of sex. I love sex when I want to have sex, but I am not crazy about sex. And then there are the others that only find that sense of peace and homecoming when a woman they’re attracted to, takes them all in – into her body. Men want to be wanted. Men want to be seen. Men want to be touched. Men want to be held. Men want their hearts and souls to be safe in your hands. Sex to a man is that safe space where he can trust your environment enough to take refuge in. We glory in that opening to find relaxation inside of you. Sex with a willing partner feels like we are intentionally being cared for. And that, we sometimes interpret as love.

Veliane: Can a man also feel loved in a relationship without sex?

DBM: In a relationship, sure; in marriage, I don’t think so. It takes a lot of courage, time and maturity for a man to want to settle down with you in a marriage. If he can be that vulnerable to want to choose you to be that partner, he is willing to do the rest of his life with, then you should be open to accepting and receiving all of his vulnerabilities. Sex with you is one of those.

Veliane: Some of my friends who are married discuss in our group pages that their husbands don’t give them orgasm. What if I marry or have sex and I don’t get to experience that ultimate satisfaction?

DBM: I think orgasms are cool but should it be the main reason why we have sex? No! I’d rather focus on experiencing that feel of trust and safety in a partner I am intimate with. That should be more satisfying, I think. If I am safe with someone, I am pleased. If I feel like I can trust someone, my heart will be at peace.

Veliane: Is sex outside of marriage a sin?

DBM: Sex is a choice you make, whether in marriage or outside of it. If you’re not engaging in sex because of your faith, then continue to choose GOD over sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But if you’re willing to experience sex, then be willing to lose that faith you have held so dear to your heart your entire life. Religion should not make you feel damaged or broken, if you choose not to remain a virgin until marriage. Your worth as a woman, is so much more than just a hymen.

Veliane: How do I make a man understand and not feel rejected when I refuse them sex in a relationship?

DBM: You do not owe any man who is not married to you, sex or even fidelity. You choose to want to honor them in both ways. You need to first believe in that, and others would. When you value what you stand for, they ought to tag along if they have an iota of respect for you. Because they’d listen and hear your no and its reasons, and would have to appreciate your boundaries. A man who genuinely, is that much into you would value your opinions about sex. He would know that you respect yourself enough to not want to tolerate anything less than you deserve. If he is deserving of you, he wouldn’t suggest or do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable in the relationship. What you will and will not accept should be that clear to him, right from the onset. You need to feel whole, with or without the approval of men.

Veliane: Sometimes, I get very sad when they go silent on me because of that.

DBM: When a man suddenly doesn’t think you’re worth pursuing anymore, it doesn’t matter; because you know you are worth pursuing, regardless.

Veliane: Dave, are you a counselor?

DBM: I am not. I am just passionate about certain things.

Veliane: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Eye For An Eye

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Aqua: Hi Dave. Story time. When our child was born, my wife suggested two names she wanted me to add to the names I had already chosen for my son. We had agreed on two names, plus my surname. But my wife, out of nowhere, wanted us to add two new names to his name. Just recently, I was having issues with my phone and had to use my wife’s WhatsApp to call someone. I came across conversations she’d had with two different men who were under the assumption that my son was theirs. They know my wife is married, yet believed my son was theirs. Meaning, they both slept with her at a point in time. Their first names, interestingly, happened to be the two new names my wife added to my names for our son. I also found out that, they have been sending her money every month for ‘their’ son’s upkeep. Dave, there is absolutely nothing lower than a woman you think is in love with you, lying about the paternity of a child. I think it’s unfair and I’m going to clap back.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Have you confronted your wife about your discovery?

Aqua: I have. Her only excuse is that I was cheating on her so she had to let her own hair down.

DBM: Were you cheating on her?

Aqua: I was but I stopped when I got caught.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Aqua: I’m going to leave this marriage

DBM: I see. Do you mind me asking why you were cheating on her?

Aqua: Same reason every guy steps out sometimes. I needed to feel needed and admired. The woman I was with was struggling with her life and career. My intention was to help her find a job but we both became vulnerable and lost focus.

DBM: Does she have a job now?

Aqua: She’s still working on it. I gave her a few contacts and leads when I ended things.

DBM: Is your marriage worth saving?

Aqua: No

DBM: You’re done?

Aqua: Totally done.

DBM: You don’t think you can ever forgive her?

Aqua: I will never be able to forgive her

DBM: How about how she felt when you were doing the cheating?

Aqua: I didn’t get the other woman pregnant. There is a difference

DBM: I am not talking about that. I am talking about how you made her feel when she caught you cheating. Were you expecting her to forgive and forget?

Aqua: She said she had forgiven me. And I believed her. That’s why I ended things with the other girl.

DBM: I know you feel betrayed right now but I’d have to ask again; there really is nothing worth holding on to?

Aqua: Even if there is, I don’t think I’d ever trust her again

DBM: Do you think she would ever trust you again?

Aqua: I don’t care anymore bro.

DBM: Do you at least, feel the love you once had for her beneath all the anger you’re feeling right now?

Aqua: I don’t think I can bring myself to love her like I used to.

DBM: That’s understandable. Has she apologized to you?

Aqua: Yes.

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Aqua: I did when I was caught.

DBM: Was it sincere?

Aqua: Does it matter? She cheated back

DBM: And, is the baby your child?

Aqua: Yes. I did a DNA test.

DBM: Thank GOD! Now, baby is yours. What’s the next step?

Aqua: Filing for divorce.

DBM: That is your final decision?

Aqua: Final decision.

DBM: Have you started with the process?

Aqua: Not yet.

DBM: When do you intend to?

Aqua: Not sure but soon.

DBM: You still live in the same house?

Aqua: Yes, but sleeping in separate rooms.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Aqua: 5 years

DBM: That’s a young marriage. Do you want my opinion or you just needed to find a space to vent?

Aqua: What’s your opinion?

DBM: Maintain the separation arrangement and sleep in different rooms. Use the time to reflect on your individual actions and be happy on your own terms. Make little efforts to invest in the marriage if you still think you can one day be willing to show up – with a forgiving heart, to grant the mother of your child mercy. If you can see yourself, someday, extending grace on your wife, you will grow to want to rebuild the marriage from where you left of.

Aqua: You would have told a woman to leave her cheating husband. You and your biases

DBM: Well, guess what! The cheating husband in question was the one cheating on her first. Deal with it or take accountability.

Aqua: I can forgive her but not now.

DBM: That’s a great start. Anytime I choose to forgive someone it helps reduce the hate and dislike I have for the person. Genuine forgiveness also inspires a change in our behavior and encourages a healthy attitude towards rebuilding a relationship.

Aqua: But Dave, I’m still questioning whether we have to work things out. I still feel like I am done with her.

DBM: If you reflect on it and still come to the same conclusion, then don’t force to make it work. Not all marriages are meant to last.

Aqua: Thanks

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Seeking A Hype buddy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Gifty: I have never seen my mother enjoying a healthy relationship before. I’ve been trying to remember a single time I’ve seen mom with a man she’s dating or trying to find her way in love with, and all I’ve witnessed for the most part is something toxic. My mother is my best friend and the closest thing to me. She’s the only family I have, and an example of what I feel love is supposed to look like. She’s now in her mid-60’s and isn’t interested in dating anymore. I have fears, big fears when it comes to putting myself out there again to find love. I’ve done it twice already and both experiences have been disturbing. I don’t even know why I am contacting you.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Keep typing

Gifty: Dave?

DBM: Yeah! Hello!

Gifty: Hi

DBM: How are you doing?

Gifty: Fine. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How is mum?

Gifty: She’s fine

DBM: What’s on your mind?

Gifty: I’m scared

DBM: It’s perfectly fine to be scared sometimes. It’s okay to also talk to someone about your fears.

Gifty: I feel like I am currently struggling doing relationships and trusting men in general. My biggest concern is drifting from one toxic relationship to the other, just like my mum.

DBM: How old are you?

Gifty: 33

DBM: What does your ideal love life/relationship look like? What do you think it should feel like or be?

Gifty: I want to mean something to a man who has plans of building a future with me in it. I want to be loved and cherished in a relationship. I don’t want to be taken for granted or lied to. I want to be with a man who can make time for me when I have something to discuss with him. I want a man who can effectively communicate his feelings so that I can also know how to step up and connect with him on that level.

DBM: Tell me about your first relationship.

Gifty: I was 25. We dated for two years. I found out he was in multiple affairs and I didn’t want to stay to add on to the numbers.

DBM: How about your second relationship?

Gifty: I was 29. We dated for three years. He subscribes to these noxious alpha male philosophies that advises men to treat themselves like the price while treating women less than they’re worth. I am a confident and a self-sufficient woman with my own opinions and viewpoints. I was willing to support his dreams while pursuing my own but he wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with me. He had to play hard and tough. He could ignore me for no reason but expect me to chase and long after him. He was also cheating. I had to break it off.

DBM: How were your mother’s past relationships like?

Gifty: Some of the men she dated became violent, and that scared me. They lied, cheated and disrespected her. My mother is a retired medical doctor who experienced a lot of highs in her career. She cared about people, so imagine my mother in a relationship with a man she loved; she would care so much for him, but these men wanted to make lies, disrespect and cheating the standard for their love to be earned. She refused to conform, and I am my mother’s daughter. I refuse to conform.

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Gifty: I’m a surgeon.

DBM: You are indeed your mother’s daughter. So, are you looking for love?

Gifty: Not at the moment. I just want someone to talk to and I felt like pouring out my frustrations on you.

DBM: That’s okay!

Gifty: Dave, are there really single, good men out there? Because my experience and that of some of my girlfriends with some of these men tell me otherwise. It’s like, the good ones have either vanished or been snapped up. What we are currently left with to choose from are full of sh*t.

DBM: There are wonderful, single guys out there also looking for the real deal. Question is, would you be attracted to, or even recognize one if you’re to come into contact with one? Will his age be right for you? Will his financial record be judged or not? Will his educational profile play a part in drawing your attention? Will you zone in on, or out of over intellectualizing potential men with whatever your criteria are for men in your level or class? Because the next man you will date may also reflect your beliefs on love, relationship and yourself.

Gifty: I’m not sure I’m the picky type.

DBM: Good to know!

Gifty: Any ideas where you think good men can be found?

DBM: You’re a Christian?

Gifty: I am

DBM: We can start from there, church.

Gifty: I go to church every Sunday. They’re not there.

DBM: They are there. You just have to be intentional on making yourself noticeable.

Gifty: How?

DBM: By popping up. Wear a simple, yet colorful dress that pops. Sit somewhere visible where there is space also for a single guy to see you, and want to sit next to, or close to you.

Gifty: My church has ushers directing the seating arrangements.

DBM: Even better, volunteer to be an usher, welcoming guests with a smile on your face. Your husband could be that guest you would smile at while ushering him to find a seat. A lot of single men are seeking GOD, and God-fearing women. Thus, their reason for being in church on their own. Trust me, single men notice single women in church. All you have to do is to get their attention.

Gifty: Any other suggestions?

DBM: Attend weddings. There is a sense of familiarity in such gathering.

Gifty: How so?

DBM: Everybody knows or must at least know the bride or groom to some extent. That is the familiar ground. A total stranger may still look familiar to you because they know either the bride or the groom. Even if you don’t know them, there is that assumption that you do. That should help you have the confidence in approaching people you may find attractive.

Gifty: And what if they’re not single?

DBM: You move on. My point is, at least you tried.

Gifty: Ok. We have two basic ideas. I need a third one, something different.

DBM: Find a bar that puts time, thought and effort into their establishment. Such places attract thoughtful, hardworking men and women who value their time and peace of mind.

Gifty: I like the third idea.

DBM: Run with it then.

Gifty: Can I ask a personal question?

DBM: No please!

Gifty: I will ask anyway. How did you meet your wife/spouse/partner? I realized you never say wife when you are talking about your spouse. Why do you always say partner?

DBM: When a man asks you to be his wife, I hear the tone of such request on the level of hierarchy and ownership of a sort. I’d rather a man asks if you would like for him to be your husband instead. I am all about partnership because it defines a certain level of equality in the commitment. “Would you be my wife?” as to “Would you like for me to be your husband?” Does that make sense to you?

Gifty: Certainly

DBM: I met my partner on a book review app. We have done seven years and it hasn’t been about getting through life together. We have leveraged our individual qualities to circumnavigate the twist and turns on the journey.

Gifty: Has it been easy?

DBM: It has been an experience of choosing to want to live in the moment. We are intentional on creating memories and sharing enough laughter. We make it a point to talk to, and with each other every single day. And we’re finding joy and having a blast living in all the unimportant, day to day moments.

Gifty: So, what should I look for in a husband?

DBM: Find a decent man who will call you by your name and put some respect on it. A man that you can build something even more awesome together with, as a team. A man you can share responsibilities with, while being each other’s hype buddies.

Image Credit: Boko Shots

A Brother From Another Mother

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Turff: Hi Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi. How are you doing?

Turff: Fine. U?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Turff: I am going straight to the point?

DBM: Sure! What’s up?

Turff: I just found out that one of my best friends – I have known him since we were ten, is gay, and I am upset.

DBM: Why are you upset?

Turff: This guy stole my girlfriend when we were in secondary school and I never forgot about it. I never forgave him.

DBM: Do you still call him ‘your’ friend?

Turff: Yes. He has been there when I truly needed him in the past. I could call on him at 1 o’clock in the morning for literally anything, and he will be there with no hesitancy. I love him like a brother from another mother.

DBM: No one can ‘steal’ a girl from you. It’s all up to the girl. If she decided to leave you for your gay friend, then she wasn’t that much into you.

Turff: I and the girl were very much in love, Dave

DBM: A girl who doesn’t want to be ‘stolen’ in a relationship cannot be taken away by another man

Turff: I am upset because all that while he was a homosexual and he pretended as if he likes girls.

DBM: Look at it also from this angle; your girl needed a moment to step back to allow space – so you both could grow individually. It’s another way of honoring what you two shared and held dear, without forcing it into a shape it cannot hold. You were young. You were in senior high school.

Turff: Anyway, it’s in the past

DBM: The past is a memory we can still appreciate because of the people in it that impacted our lives for the better or worse.

Turff: Yeah. Back to my friend. He reached out to me telling me he needed a place to perch for like six months. He was staying with his friend but has been kicked out.

DBM: How old is he?

Turff: 36

DBM: Does he work?

Turff: Yes, but I don’t think he earns enough

DBM: Are you in a position to host him?

Turff: For six months?

DBM: Are you in a position to host him?

Turff: Yes, but I might have to ask my wife.

DBM: Okay! Ask your wife then?

Turff: My wife will not agree

DBM: Have you asked her?

Turff: Not yet

DBM: How do you know she wouldn’t agree?

Turff: She doesn’t approve of homosexuality.

DBM: Oh, okay! If she condemns people like that, then you’ve got to protect her wish.

Turff: Moreso, we have kids. Boys

DBM: What has that got to do with anything?

Turff: Moreso, we are a Christian household.

DBM: What has it got to do with the other?

Turff: I’m just saying … You know… Trumutrumu tu.

DBM: What is your memory of him? How would you describe your friend to me?

Turff: He is a very nice guy, very polite and respectful. He is thoughtful, honest and very smart. He is not a troublemaker. He used to walk like a girl.

DBM: Smh!

Turff: But it’s true. Lol.

DBM: Why is he being kicked out from his previous abode?

Turff: His roommate found out he sleeps with men.

DBM: Why, were they sharing the same room?

Turff: No.

DBM: Does it bother you that he is same-sex attracted?

Turff: I don’t know. But I know God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah

DBM: Do you know why GOD destroyed those two cities?

Turff: Yes. Men were sleeping with men.

DBM: The account in Genesis 19:6-8, states that, Lot went out to meet an angry mob at his entrance and begged them to rather rape his two virgin daughters. Did you read that part?

Turff: But Dave, the Bible clearly calls homosexuality a sin in Genesis 19.

DBM: That’s not my understanding of that passage. Read Ezekiel chapter 16:49. It says Sodom was destroyed because the people were greedy and arrogant. They were prideful and wicked. They were corrupt and lacked empathy. They were also neglecting the poor amongst them. Because most people in church practice selective outrage, they would rather associate Sodom and Gomorrah with homosexuality, and not address the sexual violence against women and men.

Turff: How about Leviticus? The Bible calls it an abomination.

DBM: I don’t wanna go into this conversation

Turff: Why? What are you scared of?

DBM: I am not scared of this subject. I just don’t see the point in explaining myself to a homophobe

Turff: I am not. I am just asking questions.

DBM: You are not asking questions. You’re using mistranslated Bible scriptures as a weapon to control a narrative.

Turff: Leviticus says homosexuality is an abomination. Let’s discus.

DBM: Why do you want us to discuss it?

Turff: Because my wife will use these same scriptures to refuse my friend.

DBM: Will you be comfortable with him staying with you?

Turff: Yes

DBM: I am a Chriatian, and I am not obligated to follow the Mosiac Law. Though some commandments have been brought forward because they are deemed helpful for our faith in the New Testament, I am often tempted to ask which of the commandments are worth keeping today. And if they’re to be kept, what criteria is to be used?

Turff: I don’t quite understand what you are saying but continue. Lol!

DBM: Leviticus 11:4-7 forbids the eating of pig, rabbit, shell-related fishes (crabs, shrimps, etc.). Do you eat any of these today? Leviticus 19:19 forbids the wearing of clothes made with more than one kind of fiber. Does your wife eat fried shrimps with fried yam and shito, while wearing a mixed fabric to look pretty? Do you have tattoos on you?

Turff: No

DBM: Good! Because Leviticus 19:28 forbids it. Does your wife wear trousers?

Turff: Yes

DBM: Deuteronomy 22:5 forbids women from wearing any men’s clothing. Leviticus 19:19 forbids sowing mixed crops. Do you know how vegetables and food-based plants are grown on farms by farmers before being sold to your wife at the market?

Turff: Dave, but I don’t think it’s the same argument.

DBM: It is the same. You brought Leviticus and what it describes as an abomination, no? Leviticus 25:35-37 commands you not to charge interest on loans or take profit from people who do not have, or cannot afford. Leviticus 25:23 bans the selling of land permanently to prevent divide between landowners and serfs. Deuteronomy 21:15-17 calls out the assumption of having multiple wives or concubines a sin. Is your wife the only woman you have been intimate with since you married?

Turff: No.

DBM: Have you ever had sex with a woman on her menstrual period?

Turff: Yes

DBM: Leviticus 18:19, 20:18 calls it a sin. Leviticus 19:33-34 commands us not to treat foreign residents as though they were equal citizens. Are you friends with, and nice to a foreigner? Why do Christians choose which prohibitions in the Bible to apply if not to police and marginalize others? It’s only a small-minded bigot who will refuse to hold people accountable for what Jesus actually said.

Turff: But in Genesis, we all know God created Adam and Eve, and not Adam and Steve?

DBM: The entire creation story in Genesis, to the best of my knowledge was about roots, ancestries, backgrounds, heritage and mainly, companionship. It wasn’t about orientation. Adam and Eve, was a beautiful love story GOD created. They lived their best lives. Let other creations of GOD who find other creations of GOD attractive be. Leave them be if they have shared experiences, which requires the same effort, presence and alignment you bring to the table to make your wife feel loved. What makes you think they don’t deserve what other people bring into their lives? The laughter, the lessons, the love?

Turff: Expunge what I am about to say from our chat

DBM: What now?

Turff: I fucked him when I was in UCC. He was in Legon. He visited me a couple of times.

DBM: What do you mean?

Turff: That doesn’t make me gay

DBM: Wait! Is he the only guy you have had sex with?

Turff: Yes, or maybe, no. But I love pu$$y.

DBM: Did you enjoy the sex with him?

Turff: Yes.

DBM: What happened next?

Turff: Nothing happened next. He was catching feelings. I don’t do feelings.

DBM: You do feelings. You just don’t do feelings with a man. I don’t think you should let him come over and stay. If you can afford to help him rent a place of his own, that would be ideal.

Turff: Why do you say that? I want him to come over

DBM: In-as-much-as you say you enjoy sex with your wife, you also have a desire to engage in sexual acts, specifically anal sex, with a specific man.

Turff: But Dave, I don’t want to date him

DBM: I understand, but what you just told me tells me that your sexual orientation may be more fluid and open to exploration when it comes to sexual experiences, while your choice of romance is more aligned to acting straight and staying married to your wife.

Turff: I can afford to help him rent a place.

DBM: That settles it then.

Turff: But that would also mean, I might be going there to visit him

DBM: That is better than confusing your wife with his presence at home. She would wonder exactly what the man she’s in love with have in common with a homosexual. And by extension, what she possibly could have in common with him. You are that common denominator they both share.

Turff: We had something going. It wasn’t what I wanted but it was fulfilling.

DBM: You had friendship, and that should be good enough. He cannot force you to be what he needs, just as you cannot fix yourself in a situation that doesn’t serve you. That doesn’t erase the good times you shared. It’s okay to sometimes look back and appreciate what he once meant to you. It doesn’t make you gay. It makes you human.

Image Credit: Gweje of Africa

What Works For Us

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Agymah: My name is Agymah

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Nice to meet you, sir. My name is David

Agymah: Hi Dave. I am a silent follower of your FB platform. I have been for years and I love how consistent you have been.

DBM: Thank you, sir.

Agymah: I have been married for 39 years, but we’ve been together for 42. I feel like I can stand on my experience with my wife to say that marriage is an easy agreement and establishment between people who value the friendship they share – and can get to hang out, have fun, deal with the realities of life and have sleepovers every single day.

DBM: Hehehe!

Agymah: True. Because I have chosen my wife to be my closest and best friend, we have managed to face the hard parts of our journey together.

DBM: In other words, marriage is easy?

Agymah: Marriage is easy, yes.

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Agymah: I was expecting this question actually. David, when you CHOOSE to be so attracted to the man or woman – you’re doing life with, you will not find yourself constantly pursuing the other people you are attracted to.

DBM: So, does that make it a yes or a no?

Agymah: I have not cheated on my wife, no.

DBM: But you have found other people attractive, no?

Agymah: I have passed by and of course, seen other women that I thought looked beautiful. ‘Attractive’ is only reserved for my wife because of the thrill to it. Attraction has a desire in the shadows of its delight. That is why I would rather choose to act from my desire to bring into daylight – what I want to do to the woman I am attracted to, my wife.

DBM: Ha! Interesting.

Agymah: It’s a choice, Mr. David. And I think I have heard you say that quite a lot on your platform.

DBM: Yes

Agymah: But do you believe it’s a choice?

DBM: I believe it’s a choice.

Agymah: It’s a choice to cheat on your wife or husband. It’s unfortunate that many of us would rather look good on paper and pretend for people to love seeing us together than to actually be honest.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Agymah: We were arranged in marriage. It wasn’t forced. I wasn’t interested in settling down. My wife was a busy woman, enjoying a fulfilling career and both of our mothers, who happened to be friends invited us home and talked us into the idea of marriage. We practically did nothing. Our mothers planned everything and all we had to do was show up on dates they had fixed.

DBM: Really?

Agymah: Yeah. The first time I had a one-on-one conversation alone with my wife was on our honeymoon. There is no guarantee in anything, Dave. Not even a love relationship/friendship before marriage. That is why I say it’s up to the two people involved to make the effort.

DBM: You mean to say, you didn’t go on dates, you didn’t talk on phone or visit each other before marriage to know yourselves?

Agymah: We did none of that. I built the friendship I have now with my wife in our marriage

DBM: Was she your type? Did you even have a type? Were you the type of guy she went out for

Agymah: I have always had a type. My wife was the opposite of my typical type, however, getting to know her a few months into our marriage changed my perception. I realized I was beginning to understand her unique qualities that made us a bit compatible. I was no longer interested in the selfish qualities I used to look for in a woman because that was what I wanted or was used to. This is what I think: having a type you go for is good but it should serve or act as a guide, rather than it being your final black and white checklist.

DBM: Let’s talk about sex

Agymah: What do you want to know about my sex life?

DBM: The first night with your wife, how was it like?

Agymah: It was nothing spectacular for me. I don’t know about my wife, but I thought of it as one of my usual hook-up pick-ups. The sex was pretty good actually. It was a new arrangement and it had its own awkward spark to it. We had talked for about an hour in our hotel room after the marriage ceremony, and I was beginning to like this part of her life without and outside of me – which made me want to get in on it. I paid attention to everything she was telling me about herself. I also realized that she felt comfortable telling me all about the crazy side of her life. She was into me and I was into her, and I think that woke things up in us a bit. The sexual attraction and tension started to build up from that point. And it created a certain amount of voltage between the sheets.

DBM: When did you realize you could fall in love with her?

Agymah: The morning I woke up after our first night together. I didn’t want her to leave, and I didn’t want to run. Which was shocking.

DBM: You knew?

Agymah: I just knew.

DBM: So, the sex made you know?

Agymah: No! It wasn’t the sex. It was our conversation before sex. We had the same life goals. Our values looked similar; our sense of humor and thinking aligned. We shared a lot of similar interests and could potentially see a good friendship between us. I was willing to put in the work.

DBM: Marriage is work then. It’s not easy

Agymah: David, working hard towards a goal isn’t a bad thing if it’s rewarding. My reward is getting to do life my wife.

DBM: Children?

Agymah: No, we don’t have kids.

DBM: Is it by choice?

Agymah: No. She had a medical condition where tissue that was similar to the lining of her womb was growing in other places outside her womb.

DBM: Oh, endometriosis. There is this twin lady on my Facebook dealing with same. I first heard about it from her.

Agymah: Ok.

DBM: Does it worry you to not be with child?

Agymah: Not at all. And I don’t think we have missed out on being parents. We have mentored and made impacts on a number of kids. It’s not the same but it feels the same to me. A trip down the aisle doesn’t mean the next thing to follow is a child. My wife and I live our lives the way we want it to be. We don’t care about what society is expecting a family to look like. I have no regrets marrying my wife. She is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

DBM: Good for you!

Agymah: You can choose to be happy on your own terms. You don’t have to have a wife or husband in your life to experience that. You don’t need a child in your marriage to experience that. You choose to be your own individual man or woman and can be whole on the inside and outside of yourself. We need to get to know ourselves as we would anyone else, we may want to build a relationship with. Get to know and build a healthy relationship first, with yourself.

DBM: I am my own best friend.

Agymah: That’s the way to go about it. I am always telling myself I am worth knowing and deserving of my own attention. I am curious and intrigued about my own self and I tend to be so kind to myself and needs.

DBM: This was really good. Let’s do it again another time.

Agymah: My pleasure.

 

Image Credit: Kindel Media

Children Are Always Watching

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Akuba: David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi

Akuba: Can you chat? I don’t have the clearness of mind to type my issue in length. I will flow if we discuss.

DBM: Sup?

Akuba: My daughter wants me to leave her father

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Akuba: 14

DBM: I see. Are you married to her dad?

Akuba: Yes

DBM: Okay! Why does she want you to leave him?

Akuba: She thinks I am not happy with him

DBM: What makes her think that?

Akuba: I don’t even know. Lol! Children.

DBM: Are you happily married?

Akuba: I am ok.

DBM: Define okay.

Akuba: I mean, it could have been worse but it’s not for now.

DBM: Are you happy?

Akuba: Not really

DBM: Why not?

Akuba: Dave, life is not all about my happiness.

DBM: I concur.

Akuba: Yeah. I can manage. I will be fine.

DBM: If you were presented an opportunity to redo marriage in your next life, would you still be doing it with the father of your daughter?

Akuba: Never

DBM: Why not?

Akuba: I don’t have a reason. I just wouldn’t. I would rather be single.

DBM: I see. Does he make you happy?

Akuba: He used to.

DBM: Why doesn’t he anymore?

Akuba: Dave, you might have to ask him because as I sit here right now, I don’t have an answer to that question.

DBM: That is rather unfortunate.

Akuba: I know. Life happens.

DBM: How do you intend explaining situations to your child?

Akuba: She will grow to understand

DBM: Understand what?

Akuba: Marriage and life and all.

DBM: Do you understand that your happiness, as her mother, is just as important to raising a healthy, well-developed child?

Akuba: I know

DBM: And that, if being with her father does not situate you in an environment that you can be 100% your authentic self and the best parent you know you can ever be to her, then it is hardly the best decision to be staying where you are, thinking ‘it could have been worse’.

Akuba: Yeah

DBM: Are you sure you are doing alright?

Akuba: I’m fine

DBM: When you put your marriage on the table, is it salvageable?

Akuba: I used to love my husband very much. It used to be the two of us against the world

DBM: Let’s put your marriage on the table. Is it salvageable?

Akuba: Yes

DBM: Good! Have you tried counselling?

Akuba: I have

DBM: How about him?

Akuba: I wouldn’t know. He is difficult to have a sit-down with to discuss our relationship.

DBM: Is your husband still interested in you?

Akuba: I doubt that

DBM: Are you interested in him?

Akuba: I don’t know

DBM: Are you sexually attracted to him?

Akuba: Sometimes. I don’t know, Dave. I don’t know

DBM: Do you still love him?

Akuba: I care about him, yes.

DBM: You love him?

Akuba: I love him

DBM: Are you in love with him?

Akuba: Not at the moment

DBM: But you could fall in love with him again if situations were to change for the better?

Akuba: Yes

DBM: Is he physically abusive?

Akuba: He almost hit me once. My daughter witnessed it

DBM: Is he verbally abusing you?

Akuba: Yes. Our daughter has been a witness to that also. A lot of it

DBM: Is he a good father to your child?

Akuba: He is

DBM: Is he a good husband to you?

Akuba: He used to, when we first married.

DBM: You have just one child, no?

Akuba: 2. A boy and a girl

DBM: How old is your son?

Akuba: 11

DBM: Your children are learning how to treat others by the example you and your husband are setting in how you treat each other.

Akuba: Are you married, David?

DBM: Yes, I am

Akuba: Do you look at your wife as though she’s not pretty enough to you anymore? Do you look at your wife as though you regret marrying her? Do you speak to her anyhow? Do you justify having affairs? Do you intentionally do things to frustrate, push or force your wife away from you and your marriage?

DBM: Is that what you are dealing with?

Akuba: Yes. I sometimes feel stuck and screwed in this marriage.

DBM: For the past seven years, I have come to understand that, I can use my words and actions to be a blessing or I can use my words and actions to be a curse to my partner. Even when I am justified; I mean, completely justified to be angry and upset – I am commanded by the Word of GOD to treat my partner with gentleness, kindness and understanding.

Akuba: You are making me cry. It’s not easy, David

DBM: You and your husband cannot under any circumstance expect more from your children than you both do out of yourselves. Your children are always watching and taking mental account. Is it really worth it to you, to keep a family dynamic together for your children’s sake?

Image Credit:  Marlon Schmeiski 

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