Break Time

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Chloé: Dave, my husband lacks empathy for me

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Has he always been this way or he recently started acting up?

Chloé: I think he has always been like this but because I was blinded by love, I overlooked a few of his faults.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Chloé: 5 yrs

DBM: Well, at least there’s the good start: you are not the cause of his problems, and you will not become the cause of his ill behavior toward you.

Chloé: I no longer enjoy my time with him. I don’t think I find him attractive anymore.

DBM: Do you think you need space and time to think about what you want?

Chloé: Yes

DBM: So, tell him. A man already knows what he wants; so, if your husband, through his actions is making you not find joy in his presence and also, find him attractive, then it means he cares less about what you think of him and wants to put that message across.

Chloé: You are right. He comes home very late. He’s always on his phone, even in the shower. He will do everything to avoid me at home. He’s disgusted by the mere sight of me. He has complex passwords on all of his electronic devices.

DBM: Do you check his phone?

Chloé: I don’t do that

DBM: Are you bothered by his attitude?

Chloé: I used to be when I was in love with him, but I’m not sure I care about what he does anymore.

DBM: Do you know why he’s behaving this way?

Chloé: I’ve asked him but he’s denied anything being wrong.

DBM: Is this the kind of marriage you want?

Chloé: No, Dave. I don’t think I can continue staying in this marriage if things don’t change.

DBM: You think he’s having an affair?

Chloé: I always suspected an affair and had to take some extra measures to secure the evidence I needed. I arranged with a taxi driver to be following him for a month, and I got my proof. He’s sleeping with two different women.

DBM: Plus, you?

Chloé: I stopped having sex with him the day my intuition drew my attention to his secretive behavior. The proof is the evidence I believe in, not his explanations as to why.

DBM: Okay! It’s unfortunate that most men reserve the worst of their character for the women they’re supposed to love the most.

Chloé: Dave, I will be fine. I am not going to wait for him to change for my sake. I’m going to rent my own place. I am leaving the kids with him. I’ve been the one taking care of them all this while. It’s his turn to take over.

DBM: How old are your children?

Chloé: 4 and 2

DBM: Lol!

Chloé: Why are you laughing?

DBM: Nothing, really!

Chloé: You think I should take them along?

DBM: Do you want to?

Chloé: No. He is their father. He has to learn how make time for them. My youngest daughter is a daddy’s girl. She’s all about her dad. Taking her along will make things difficult for me.

DBM: How involved is he at home with the kids?

Chloé: He comes home late every day, but he leaves money for them. He pays their fees, etc.

DBM: Since he’s used to coming home late, leaving the kids behind will be a good reason for him to be present for them.

Chloé: I have a question

DBM: Okay?

Chloé: Do you think all men cheat?

DBM: Why, you have a new beau?

Chloé: No, I’m a married woman. I am asking because my husband and I have grown apart.

DBM: You have such a young marriage

Chloé: I know

DBM: When it comes to men, it’s best you have your own boundaries at large. It helps us to know that you do not tolerate certain behaviors and any form of disrespect.

Chloé: I’ve done everything every good wife would do. I was reminiscing the other day about how we used to talk for hours and laugh over everything. We used to enjoy each other’s company when we were dating. I suspected he was entertaining other women even then but I didn’t let it bother me because I felt he was a single man and didn’t owe me his loyalty. He became more withdrawn and distant after we married and had our first child. I thought the birth of our son was going to get him excited about our family.

DBM: Make him choose what he wants, because a real man wouldn’t easily give up something he values in order to keep a side piece he’s entertaining his boredom with. If he’s comfortable losing what you’ve built together as a unit, let him.

Chloé: I’m very disappointed in myself

DBM: Why?

Chloé: I feel like I’ve wasted five to six years of my life for nothing.

DBM: You cannot blame yourself for the actions of an inconsiderate man. He is the one who has been breaking your marital vows and choosing to destroy the family you’ve built together. He is still out there living his best life and having fun. Why are you being hard on yourself for someone else’s poor choices?

Chloé: I wanted this marriage to work, Dave. I did not want to raise children in a broken home.

DBM: If I go and steal waakye today from Hajia because I was feeling very hungry, it would sound somewhat okay an excuse until I discover later on that – a hungry man can have more than four other means to get waakye without necessarily stealing it. Your husband had a choice to do right by you and the marriage. Cheating, lying, disrespecting you while doing the most to make you not feel loved and wanted are all some of the available options to him. Question is, are these the only better options available to him to make his relationship with you work?

Chloé: Do you know why a man will all of a sudden, change and be slipping out of your hands?

DBM: What do you usually argue about at home?

Chloé: Everything I do irritates my husband, Dave.

DBM: He’s probably seeking or might have found something better out there. A man will be tempted to choose better over good. He’s probably figuring out ways and means to hang onto the good he’s currently married to, at home, while also trying to experience what could be better for him out there. It’s in your choice to go along with his idea of having his cake and eating it.

Chloé: I’m going to go ahead to rent the two-bedroom apartment I’ve found. David, thank you.

Image Credit: Mike Jones

❤ Is Enough

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tucker: My wife proposed marriage to me at a time in my life, I wasn’t thinking too much into the idea of starting a family. And, even if I had, did not exert as much effort to be serious about it. My wife was the assertive one; she knew what she wanted, while I was a bit passive. Like many guys my age, I was living only in the moment and rotating girls I thought were desperate for love and attention. Dave, I was 35 years old and didn’t know what I wanted. My wife didn’t have her whole life figured out but she understood the need to mature. I said yes to her proposal even though I knew I could be making a big mistake going along with her plan.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What made you want to marry her?

Tucker: She was worth investing my love and all. I couldn’t predict our future but I knew I could risk jumping in with both feet. I knew the kind of man I wanted to be around her. I knew the kind of man I could become with her in my life. I had friends back in the day who only played mind games on women while pretending to be quality guys. They sold dreams and promises to single women they couldn’t and wouldn’t follow through. Looking back, I can say they lacked integrity and had no moral compass established to guide their actions. They were inconsistent, liars, wannabes and had no plans to be any better in the long-term. The colored lifestyle they were pushing to live in the open was a daily struggle, yet were promising undiscerning single women soft life. I see a lot of boys on social media lately advocating same old script; harassing women and tricking them into sex. There’s nothing new under the sun. The man I wanted to become and the future I wanted to experience wasn’t that of partying and getting drunk and laid with buddies on the weekends.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Tucker: 30 years

DBM: Congratulations!

Tucker: Thank you, David,

DBM: Do you know where some of your old buddies are today?

Tucker: Yes. Some are dead, some are ill. Some are miserable and begging for alms from some of us; some managed to work their way into the hearts of rich women, but because they were still playing, they got found out and have been left redundant. Some have become irresponsible and have children scattered all over with different women. Some are in jail. A handful are working jobs but are still struggling overseas. I have seen the consequences that a man’s negative action has on him. My friends chose to be weak men in their youth with their arrogance, selfishness and pride.

DBM: Hmmm!

Tucker: Dave, if you plant maize, it will turn into a tall stout grass that produces hundreds of cereal grains of corn. That is the natural order of harvest; whatever will come back to you will be greater than what you sowed. That is why we have to be careful as men with our actions, especially, how we treat women and people who love us. Life somehow falls apart, so all the bad decisions we’re choosing to make will reap its own harvest in multiple folds. The seed every man is planting will grow into a massive tree. What you will reap will be greater than what you sowed.

DBM: How would you describe yourself?

Tucker: The man I am is centered around my wife and children. The best I have done is to love them like no other, protect, support and provide for them the best way I know how. The man I identify as respects my wife and people in general. I am doing right by my wife and the people I come in contact with, and it’s rubbing off on me in a good way. Life hasn’t been easy but I have been stoic in the face of difficulties. My wife tells our children always that I have been there for her on her worst days. I have been her rock.

DBM: Is there a structure to the kind of love you give to your wife?

Tucker: A man understands the seasons his wife is in at every given moment. Boys don’t have time to analyze seasons. Boys murmur, complain, find faults, blame-game, give attitude and find the easiest way out by walking after their own lust. A man, even in his driest of seasons will communicate with his wife and make the effort to adjust in the midst of it all. That is the type of love I have been offering to my wife. I give 100% of my love, devotion and service to her wellbeing and she tries her best to offer me 100% of her love, devotion and service. Love is all about sacrifice, Dave. Love is enough. I know certain experts claim it’s not, but with my 30 years of experience under my belt, I know love is enough foundation for every man to do the right things in their marriages. Even the Bible confirms it, “For God so loved the world that He gave…” Love should lead men to sacrifice and faithfulness and truth.

DBM: I’m guilty of the ‘Love is not enough’ awareness

Tucker: I know. I follow and read from your page. But Dave, a man’s love allows experiences to manifest the heart attitude of his woman. Dealing with problems, temptations or misunderstanding are some of the elements allowed in marriage to purge us, as a furnace of affliction, so that the good of our defense will shine dazzling in the light of our faithfulness and loyalty to our spouses.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Tucker: She was in line at a taxi station waiting her turn. She was late for work, I could see. So, I offered her and three other people in line a lift. I dropped everyone at their destination before going to work. I asked if I could pick her up and drive her back to her house after work and she agreed. Our conversations afterwards fell in place. I found time to meet her parents three weeks after knowing her, and she asked me to marry her.

DBM: How old was she?

Tucker: 29 or 30. I was not in love with her but she was the type of woman I felt could challenge me to become a better version of myself. I engaged her, and we planned a wedding. We found a place to live, and the rest they say is history. I underestimated what could be possible for us because we were total strangers and we got married in less than four months.

DBM: What was going through your mind when she proposed married?

Tucker: I thought about it for some time. I wished she had discussed her intentions about marriage with me first before popping the question out of the blue. Also, it was too soon. I’m not going to lie, I was concerned.

DBM: Concerned about what?

Tucker: Concerned about what answer to give her; saying ‘yes’ to the unknown or risking a potential relationship with her by saying ‘no’.

DBM: Would you encourage women to propose to men?

Tucker: No.

DBM: Why not?

Tucker: Girls of today are ready for marriage whilst the men are in no rush and would need time to catch up to the idea of marriage. I’d rather encourage women to discuss their desires to want to be wives with their men, and find out from them what their understanding of a happy marriage looks like. They should also ask these men if they see them, as the women they are comfortable doing marriage with. If he’s keeping the subject of marriage on hold after dating him for some time, you need to ask questions so you know his reasons.

DBM: That makes sense.

Tucker: It’s scary, and really not worth it to rush into marriage only to regret later. It’d be better to start from square one all over again to experience a fulfilling and happy relationship with someone else who will prioritize you and what you deserve in marriage. A lot of boys force their intentions to love women they do not see as life partners. They know they’re not ready but they’re telling you they love you because you’re giving them something they need. They do not want you but they need what their association with you brings them. Whatever it is they’re seeking, if it is not the truest form of love, cut them loose.

Image Credit: George Pak

Twin Along

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Haakonaa: Good evening

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you doing?

Haakonaa: I’m fine. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Haakonaa: Things in my life aren’t going according to plan, and I am frustrated. I feel left behind. I feel stuck. I feel defeated and sometimes want to throw in the towel.

DBM: I am sorry about that. What do you want to do with the rest of your life?

Haakonaa: I have no clue, Dave.

DBM: How old are you?

Haakonaa: 37

DBM; There is growth and learning in moments that we feel frustrated or left behind. There is growth and learning in those days that we feel stuck or defeated.

Haakonaa: I don’t know what to learn from this stage of my life, honestly. I feel like a failed attempt every single day.

DBM: It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling.

Haakonaa: I wish you were in my shoes

DBM: Question: do you have any role models in your life?

Haakonaa: People I look up to?

DBM: Yes

Haakonaa: The story of Nelson Mandela inspires me.

DBM: Nelson Mandela, was Nelson Mandela from the time he was an unborn baby throughout his mother’s pregnancy. When he was born and just a normal child to everyone, he still had in him his potential. As a young man throughout his youth, he went through his own version of the ups and downs you’re encountering, and was constantly in the process of change throughout the different seasons of his life. His frustrations, when he felt left behind; when he felt like a failure, when he felt stuck or defeated… each state of his life, each stage, at each moment led him to the man he became. You are inspired by his life because of his journey through it all.

Haakonaa: But Dave, I’m not even asking for too much in life. What I want so desperately, others have it in abundance. I’m tired of trying so hard already.

DBM: That’s also okay. It’s okay to sometimes, stop trying so hard when things aren’t working.

Haakonaa: But I’ve been taught to always go after what I want

DBM: There’s nothing wrong with going after what you want. What I’m trying to say is that, sometimes, you just have to go with the flow and be open to whatever possibilities are available to you – instead of wanting or insisting on specific conclusions you think would make you feel good.

Haakonaa: If you say so.

DBM: Are you married?

Haakonaa: I am married.

DBM: For how long?

Haakonaa: 10 years.

DBM: How has it been so far?

Haakonaa: Great.

DBM: Okay! Kids?

Haakonaa: We have children but they’re not his biological offspring, though they’re growing and showing up as his.

DBM: I don’t understand

Haakonaa: My husband and his brother are identical twins

DBM: You fucked your brother-in-law?

Haakonaa: I did

DBM: Ha! Was it a one-time fling?

Haakonaa: No

DBM: Are you comfortable sharing details of this escapade with me?

Haakonaa: I can finetune it to suit your interest.

DBM: Where do we begin? Lol!

Haakonaa: My first sexual encounter with my brother in law was 11 years ago. My husband, who was my boyfriend then, had traveled to Kumasi without informing me. A friend of mine saw him enter a hotel room with another woman and called to inform me. He denied the accusation and lied about being in Accra. I challenged him to arrange a lunch date with me that afternoon to prove me wrong. I got to the restaurant and it was his identical twin impersonating him.

DBM: Did he know you could tell the difference between them?

Haakonaa: He did not.

DBM: Could you tell the difference between the two?

Haakonaa: I could, but I also would often act dumb when tested to tell them apart.

DBM: Ha! How are you able to differentiate between the two?

Haakonaa: Their preference in cologne. The way they smiled. The odor from their mouths. Their T-shirt choice, and the volume of their voice when they talk. My husband is partially soft while his brother is slightly loud. Also, I could tell them apart from their level of tidiness. My brother in law is very clean and orderly when you’re in his space. My husband is the opposite.

DBM: Oh wow! And, they didn’t know you knew?

Haakonaa: I prefer for people to think I’m stupid.

DBM: Lol! You’re speaking my language on that. Isn’t it fascinating when you let people assume they’ve figured you all out? You remain in your quiet and become more of an observer than a talker.

Haakonaa: That’s the superpower right there.

DBM: Anyways, let’s get back to the story of your shenanigans. What happened next?

Haakonaa: He had his brother’s spare house keys so he wanted to act as if he was my boyfriend. He asked if I would go home with him. I followed him to my husband’s house and made advances on him. He flipped me over his shoulder and the rest happened. He did not mention it to his brother when he returned to Accra. I carried on with their charade.

DBM: Oh my!

Haakonaa: My boyfriend returned from Kumasi the next day, and I was in his house with his brother. He texted him to know the status of their arrangement, and his twin quickly came up with an excuse to want to go the Accra Mall to buy something. I took notice of the shirt, jeans trousers and sneakers he had on. He met my boyfriend wherever they agreed to meet, exchanged their clothing, and then came home to me as if he was the same one returning from the mall. The moment he hugged and kissed me; I could tell they had swapped. His cologne smelled different. His kiss tasted different.

DBM: Did you like his brother?

Haakonaa: I liked the fact that he could turn me on without moving straight to my genitals. He is a very patient and relaxed man when it comes to sex. The way he talks to me, the way he looks at me, the way he makes me trust him, and the spirit in his eyes when our eyes are in contact, allows me to be vulnerable around him.

DBM: Interesting. How did the pregnancy come about?

Haakonaa: Dave, before we married, I was looking forward to motherhood. My husband couldn’t wait to get to know a tiny baby. We couldn’t wait to raise our kids and watch them grow. We pictured ourselves developing a relationship with a maturing baby boy or girl. We were in our sixth year of marriage and there was nothing to show. My brother in law had married and was with kids. We used to talk every now and then, and he would mention how much he cares about me. Over time, I decided to play along, letting him think I didn’t know any better. He made a direct move, took me out of Accra for the weekend, and I was pregnant within five weeks.

DBM: Is your husband not able to tell the difference?

Haakonaa: No standard DNA test will be able to tell the difference. My husband is an identical twin. You would have to do a complete genome sequencing to link our kids to his brother.

DBM: What is making you unhappy?

Haakonaa: I was in love when I agreed to get married. Now, it seems like the satisfaction and joy to remain his wife has left me. The bond I have with my children is what seems to be growing and keeping me busy and excited, leaving my relationship with my husband to deteriorate. I’m miserable and I think he’s not happy too. We’re both unhappy in the marriage.

Image Credit:  Cottonbro Studio

Whole Face In

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Brother Bernard: Hello Mr. David. I have a best friend that I thought I wouldn’t know what to do without. She was really special to me. She’s the one person who knows how to make me laugh out a little louder. I visited her a couple of months ago and I was very hungry. I wanted us to go out and eat but she insisted on cooking for me. She already had a leftover stew in her fridge so I asked her to put rice on fire for me to eat with it. I was walking barefooted looking around her house when I thought I had seen her spit in the stew she was warming up for me. She turned around to see if anyone had seen her. I moved back quickly to escape her glance. Then I heard her hawk her throat lightly, which made me tiptoe to check her out. She had spat a nasty huge slimy globule into the stew and did same into the rice cooker before setting it to cook.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What the actual fuck!

Brother Bernard: Dave

DBM: Tell me you confronted the hell outta her?

Brother Bernard: I was stunned

DBM: Did you confront her?

Brother Bernard: I couldn’t

DBM: What do you mean you couldn’t?

Brother Bernard: I couldn’t

DBM: You did not eat that damn food, no?

Brother Bernard: I couldn’t refuse to

DBM: You ate?

Brother Bernard: I ate

DBM: Define the kind of relationship you two have

Brother Bernard: Friendship with a little bit of benefits. We had established that we feel sexually attracted to each other because we are always spending time together. And alcohol is sometimes involved.

DBM: Are you dating?

Brother Bernard: No

DBM: Are you dating anyone?

Brother Bernard: I am married.

DBM: So, at what point in your married life do you get to ‘always spend time together’ with her?

Brother Bernard: As I said, she’s a special friend. I have other close friends I hang out with too

DBM: Is she part of the people you’re ‘seeing’?

Brother Bernard: She’s simply an occasional engagement in casual sex without any of us actually having to commit to a relationship.

DBM: Just like you are with the other women?

Brother Bernard: Lol.

DBM: Why are you in my inbox?

Brother Bernard: I wanted to use your platform to let her know I know what she did

DBM: She follows my page?

Brother Bernard: I don’t know. I was thinking since your page sometimes can go viral, she might get to see it.

DBM: The fact that you embraced her level of disrespect towards you glamorously and chose to avoid difficult truths, I do not pity you one bit.

Brother Bernard: Just because I did not confront her doesn’t mean I am not actively fighting back. Showing all my cards isn’t strategy.

DBM: Tell me, what’s on your card?

Brother Bernard: I also don’t want to miss out on one of the most defining friendships of my life. That’s why I am not too quick to judge. Dave, this is a girl I enjoy eating her out.

DBM: What has that got to do with anything?

Brother Bernard: I ate the food without complaint because she’s a woman I love to kiss, and kiss along her thighs and can lick her outer labia to make her quiver and moan. If I’m able to use my tongue, my lips, nose, cheeks and even my chin to get all in on the action, then a spit wasn’t anything to be angry about, though disappointed.

DBM: Good luck with your whole face in.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Momma’s Diary

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Kob: Hi Dave, I requested to share my mom’s story with you. Are you free to have a conversation?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! Do you mind typing the synopsis of the story here? I have a meeting this morning. I will come back to this conversation when I am done so we can expand on it.

Kob: Ok sir. We lost her 24 years ago through a heartbreak and an unknown sickness we couldn’t fight. She gave her love, her attention, her resources to my stepfather, who, in return, betrayed her. I found out every ordeal she endured through a diary she left behind.

DBM: How long was she married to your second father?

Kob: 8 years

DBM: How about your biological father, what happened between them?

Kob: Met him for the first time when I was 18. From the stories told by my grandmother, he abused my mom and chased her with a gun one night until my mom run to her aunt’s house. My grandfather went to dissolve their marriage and brought my mom back home.

DBM: How did your second father betray your mother?

Kob: My mom took him through school, training college as at then. He lived with us in my grandmother’s house. He wasn’t working, and it was literally my mom who took care of him. She will make sure his fufu is served every morning before she leaves the house to work and come home early to prepare dinner for the house. They were both into politics, so during the time of the late President Rawlings, he was appointed as the DCE of his district. They moved in together, and that was when everything started. He started cheating with multiple women, including my mom’s best friend. One day, he drove my mom back to us very ill, and we never saw him again. My grandmother took her to the hospital, and the Dr’s told us it was shingles, so she would be fine. We did all sorts of medication from herbal to any treatment we can, but she didn’t get better. When she started getting better, she fell into depression and wouldn’t eat anything. Her lovely husband never came to visit, never called until she completely went mute. I was playing football on the sunny afternoon of 6th July 2001, when my cousin came to call me that grandma wanted to see me. I went to my grandmother’s room, and there she was, laid down with clothes wrapped around her . We are half ewes, and seeking answers to strange deaths is normal. It was revealed that my mom had a fight with one of my stepfather’s side women and, at the back of our knowledge, sent her to a deity. The man only showed up during her burial and never showed up again after her burial.

DBM: I am very sorry about this. What was your relationship like with him?

Kob: We are 3 siblings, and he never loved any of us.

DBM: How was life like growing up without a parent’s real presence?

Kob: Dave, I wouldn’t wish that for any child. It was tough, but I had a loving grandmother who gave us all her love and care. Honestly, her presence made us move on from our mother’s death early.

DBM: I thank GOD for grandma. Are you married?

Kob: Nope, one bad relationship to the other. My last relationship ended 2 months ago. She was carrying a pregnancy we all agreed to keep until one day she decided to terminate the pregnancy. I knew what we had was coming to an end because I had lost my job and suspected she was talking to her ex. Maybe these circumstances forced her to, which I understand.

DBM: As a man, do you see yourself to want to do better someday, by your partner if you marry? Looking back at the kinds of men your mother had had to deal with.

Kob: Dave, my mom’s marriage, taught me a lot. There are good women who will do right by you, and all that they need in return is to love them back in all honesty. But Dave, I have my dad’s character.

DBM: It’s good you know you have your dad’s character, but is it possible to intentionally inspire an attitude adjustment?

Kob: I have more than 21 siblings from my dad’s side, so you know what I mean when I say I have my dad’s character. I have had two serious relationships that almost ended in my marriage, and I never cheated. So, I can do better with the right woman by my side.

DBM: I get it. Everyone has character traits, both good and bad.

Kob: Yes, we do

DBM: Thank you for sharing your mom’s story. I appreciate you

Kob: You Welcome, sir

Image Credit: David Kwewum 

Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Omari: Hello David. I hope you are fine? I am a silent follower and a big fan of your page. I do not always agree with the way you sometimes think, but I like you for that same reason. I’ve been married to my good luck of a wife for 23 years. When I met her, I was living on way less than I ever thought a poor man could survive on. I was aware of everything I lacked in life and that broke my confidence. I was in my little corner, avoiding people as usual when I met my wife. Everything about her overwhelmed me but she was one of the very few people I thought were worth keeping around because she saw only the best in me.

The types of guys who were interested in her were people who looked and smelled good. There was hope in their future, and they had money to spend. Being uncertain about my future was exhausting and depressing. The man I wanted to become before settling down wasn’t the disappointed I felt I had become. Hurt and confusion were some of the mixed emotions I battled with. I was ashamed of myself but my wife wasn’t. She believed in me. She prayed for me. She loved me. She saw me. We met by chance and it was at a time when I doubted whether I was cut for love. She showed me that I was worthy of her time and attention. She understood my situation and loved me through that phase of my life.

We eventually got married. She got pregnant with our first child, a boy. Before he turned one year old, he said his first words in six separate days to just me. It was a Saturday morning, 2:25 AM. He wouldn’t stop crying and his mother was tired and deep in her sleep. I got up to go pick him up from his room. The moment he set those dreamy eyes on me, he smiled and said, “Dada”. It was a big milestone because his mother and I had been wondering and waiting to know what his first word would be. When my wife woke up, I bragged about it and wanted the child to repeat his first words again but he said nothing. He went back to his toddler language, babbling and crying through his fumbled speech.

Sunday morning, 2:25 AM, he was crying again. His mother was fast asleep and I had to go and get him. He saw me enter his room and he smiled. “Dada, Mama”. It was weird. He didn’t repeat those words again during the day. Monday, 2:25 AM, he started to cry. I had to sleep because I had to go to work in few hours. He wouldn’t stop crying. My wife wouldn’t wake up to attend to him. I got to his room, and he beams with laughter, “Dada, Mama, Isss…”. He wouldn’t say anything else again for the rest of the day. Dave, it was at this point that I felt in my spirit that God had a message for me through my son. I looked forward to the next dawn. I slept in his room and woke myself up at 2:00 AM. 25 minutes after I had woken up, he wakes up and smiles after seeing me. ‘Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa…”

The following dawn, I got up again, next to him in his room. Same time, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa Ghud…”. On the sixth day, same routine. I had to sleep in his room. He wakes up to my presence and he laughs, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa. Ghud. Laak.”

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No way!

Omari: I kid you not, David. He didn’t wake up to speak to me again after delivering his message. His routine went back to normal. It was when he was 18 months old that his mother started to hear him typically start to use words more purposefully around her. Like, ‘ball, come, no, yes’ etc.

DBM: Oh my!

Omari: When I got married to my wife, things started happening for my good. Opportunities started opening and coming my way. Initially, I thought it was my own doing and hard work. But after my son’s message to me, I had to look back and appreciate who had been encouraging and praying for me to free myself from the self-imposed limitations I had been placing on myself. It was my wife. I had so much doubt in my mind but she chose to believe in me, so I could believe in myself and persist no matter what. Wonderful things started to happen to me. I began to see success in my career. I started to feel happy for the first time in my life.

DBM: I’m really happy for you.

Omari: Yeah, but I changed along the way.

DBM: How so?

Omari: Dave, I was hitting my career goals. My financial goals were papping. My life goals were being achieved, year after year.

DBM: Let me guess!

Omari: It happened a couple of times. I started to find problems with everything she did. I was no longer content with just her. I broke her heart. I made her feel alone in the marriage. I started lying to her and cheating. I became cold towards her. I became distant, loveless, etc.

DBM: But why?

Omari: Money changes men. I forgot about how she used to take care of me when I had nothing. My wife practically gave me her all when I had nothing to my name. She supported me in ways I had never experienced before. She was my goddamn helpmate but what happened after my levels had changed? She got cheated on. And I remained to be the dog that incessantly pissed on her favorite rug. And because I knew she loved me so much and wanted our marriage to work, she would clean up the rug every time I pissed on it.

DBM: How long were you in your feels – in this phase of your life?

Omari: Three years

DBM: What happened next?

Omari: My wife stopped loving me. The worst version of me had been waiting to be set free, only for me to lose it all again. I was involved in a car accident when I was on a trip with one of my girlfriend’s outside of Accra. She died in my car. She was pregnant with my child and I didn’t even know. She’s Fante. Her family put me through hell. Mind you, I was bedridden for three months after the accident but her family didn’t care. They tormented me. I was forced to marry her corpse before her burial. I went through the whole process of knocking and presentation of drinks with my family. Dowry, name it. I put a ring on her dead finger. And I was in wheelchair doing all this. Every penny I had worked for and saved, their family took it through bills, charges, compensation, etc.

DBM: Where was your wife?

Omari: At home. She said nothing. She just focused on the children and her job. I couldn’t even complain, after everything I had put her through. My brother took me to the house I had rented for my other girlfriend, and she nursed me for two months only. She couldn’t babysit me again. She said she had her own life to live because she was a young girl. She told me I needed to go back home to my wife. She drove me to the house and left me behind the gate, after ringing the bell. The gateman carried me to the house. My son was seven years old at this time. He was playing with his sister when I was brought in. He looked at me with a disappointing stare. My daughter was happy to see me of course, but he wasn’t. I asked them where their mother was, and these were his exact response to me, “Daddy, your good luck left”.

DBM: Oh my! I have totally forgotten about that part. “Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak.”

Omari: Yes. It all came back to me. Dave, I had to repent. I had to change. My good luck no longer was willing to tolerate and enable my bad behavior. I had to occasionally say ‘no’ to myself in order to become a better man for myself, wife and children.

DBM: How are you doing today?

Omari: Life is picking up, little by little. I haven’t looked back since. I am almost 14 years cheat-sober.

DBM: Well done!

Omari: Dave, money makes men nicer. Money makes us curious. Our wives are our good luck, especially if you’re like me, and came into your marriage with nothing but her love and support to hold to. As I chat with you today, and I am telling you since I made the decision to, as you often say on your page, do right by my partner, every other day of the years, I have been overwhelmed by God’s goodness to me… because of my wife.

DBM: That’s good to know!

Omari: David, I have tears in my eyes. My dear Diana, my good luck; these 23 years of marriage to you have been all the reminder I needed of how completely unworthy I am to humbly serve as your husband. You have given me the opportunity to be better. You have given me the opportunity to change. I am becoming the man I am proud of. I have become the kind of man I believe God is comfortable entrusting your heart to. My only prayer today is to continue learning and fighting for you and for our marriage.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Those Confused Eyes

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

PY: Dee

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Herrh! What are you doing here?

PY: I want to talk

DBM: Don’t you have my number?

PY: I want to talk here

DBM: For my ears only or you want it published?

PY: Your ears and publication.

DBM: What’s up?

PY: I think I’m ready to get married. I haven’t proposed marriage to Helena yet, but my mind is filled with all sorts of fanfare lately. I’ve always wondered about what it might be like to make her my wife.

DBM: Good to know! You’ve dated for how long?

PY: Four and a half years

DBM: How old are you?

PY: You know my age. Lol

DBM: Yeah, but for the purposes of this publication…

PY: 42

DBM: How old is your lady?

PY: 40

DBM: Why now?

PY: Beyond the love, of course, I need a trusted companion. And Helena is someone I can trust to stand by me through thick and thin. I also feel it’s time to start building a family of our own.

DBM: I am happy for you.

PY: Thanks. Hopefully, it will tame my, how do you call it, lol, my cheating habits.

DBM: Are you ready to be a husband?

PY: I believe I am, yes. I am ready to share my life with her. She’s my special something-something.

DBM: Okay!

PY: But I want her to get pregnant for me first.

DBM: As in, before you marry her?

PY: Yeah

DBM: Why is that?

PY: She’s 40

DBM: And so?

PY: Her biological clock

DBM: What has it done?

PY: It’s ticking

DBM: Why do you want to marry her?

PY: I told you why already.

DBM: You do not believe she can have a healthy pregnancy at her age?

PY: I don’t. My mother doesn’t believe it either.

DBM: Whose idea was it for her to get pregnant before marriage?

PY: My mother.

DBM: I’m going to publish this conversation, no?

PY: Yes

DBM: Helena is going to read this

PY: She already knows.

DBM: Ha! And, what did she say?

PY: She’s not ready to have a child out of wedlock.

DBM: Ha!

PY: But she’s failing to understand my point.

DBM: What was your point again?

PY: I just want to be sure she can get pregnant with my baby. That’s all. We will be married before the child is even born. Do you understand me?

DBM: I do! But why can’t you do this same experiment with her fertility after marriage?

PY: I don’t want to marry and divorce later. It’s a risk I’m not willing to take

DBM: Is having a child the main reason why you want to settle down with her?

PY: It’s part of my reasons. Dee, I love her; she knows this. I know it. I’m just concerned about the complications that are likely to develop at her age.

DBM: But there is also a good chance her pregnancy will be healthy

PY: That’s if she can get pregnant.

DBM: Why do you say that?

PY: David, let’s be real. We’ve been shacking up for four years and no sign of pregnancy. Is that not cause to be alarmed?

DBM: How important is having a baby to you?

PY: It’s everything to me, Dee

DBM: And, are you willing to give up Helena over this issue?

PY: I haven’t thought about it.

DBM: Think of it now. Are you willing to give up Helena over the subject of pregnancy?

PY: No

DBM: Why not?

PY: Because we have a good relationship, and I am committed to her.

DBM: Why are you entertaining the thought of putting an expiration date on the womb of a creation of GOD?

PY: My mum thinks she may never get pregnant for me.

DBM: Is Helena the right woman for you?

PY: She is

DBM: If you genuinely want to settle down with her, then decide to want to enjoy your marriage, regardless. Do not encourage your mother’s doubt to manipulate your decision making, especially now that you’re seriously considering doing right by her.

PY: What if there are no kids and I am tempted someday to look elsewhere?

DBM: When a decent man chooses to want to enjoy his marriage to his wife, he decides that no other relationship or extracurricular activity is an option. Question is, are you decent enough to want to get married and stay married?

PY: I try my best to be a decent guy.

DBM: I don’t know exactly what about Helena makes you happy, but if she excites you as much as any good partner does their significant other, let that determine the actions you take henceforth.

PY: I want to be happy, Dave. I think that’s my ultimate goal

DBM: If being happy in marriage is your priority, then let that impact your decision to want to propose to her. If having a child by whatever means is your priority, then note that your needs and selfishness are what your priorities are, and not marriage to her.

PY: What do you suggest?

DBM: Think of Helena, and place her above your expectations. Look into ways and means you can bless and encourage her. And psych yourself up to walk together no matter what life throws at you both.

PY: What if I don’t feel complete without kids?

DBM: PY, there is LIFE to be lived, even without children. Yes, maybe not the life you thought you wanted, per your definition of ‘family’ but it’s not so bad. And it’s full of possibilities and hope, joy, laughter, dreams and contentment.

PY: Let’s change the subject. Are you happily married?

DBM: I am focused on my marriage. I am taking care of my partner in our marriage. I am being intentional on pouring enough time and energy into my marriage. A happily married life won’t just happen, you know?

PY: I know

DBM: Good! So, do any and every good thing to protect your marriage – if you choose to go ahead with it, and put as much effort into it.

PY: How about cheating?

DBM: What about it?

PY: I feel like I may cheat on her

DBM: If Helena’s breasts fill you at all times with delight, you will be intoxicated by her love. Helena, if you’re reading this conversation, please find out what PY likes and does not like in the bedroom when you get married. I know that in your minds, your sex lives are beyond great, but ask yourselves what turns you on; you both may surprise each other because it wouldn’t be what you think you already know. It’s not every married man who enjoys their marriage. So, to make yours exactly what you want, you must make intentional choices. That is what will make you not cheat on her. It’s all about choosing to walk a different path and doing right by each other.

PY: Is your WhatsApp still active? I sent a message four month ago.

DBM: No!

PY: I’ll give you a call later this week. Thanks

Image Credit: Collis

11th Anniversary Surprise

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Vedrana: Knock knock.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes, come on in.

Vedrana: Good evening, David Bondze-Mbir. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How are you doing?

Vedrana: I wish I could say I am fine but I am not. I am very upset and angry today.

DBM: What are you angry about?

Vedrana: I became very ill two years ago and tested positive for HIV. I found out later on that my husband was living with it and had been put on treatment, and I never knew. He did not tell me. Mine was actually a late diagnosis. Do you know what it means to be diagnosed late?

DBM: What does it mean?

Vedrana: It means the virus had already started to damage my immune system. My CD4 count had drastically dropped below 350.

DBM: What is CD4?

Vedrana: It’s a white blood cell (cluster of differentiation) in the frontline defense in a person’s immune system. That is how I am able to monitor the overall health of any patient of mine living with HIV. It helps us to also figure out how the immune system of the person is being affected by the virus.

DBM: What is your profession, if you don’t mind me asking?

Vedrana: I am a medical doctor.

DBM: What is usually the normal range for the CD4 count?

Vedrana: That of an average man or woman should be between 500 to 1200 cells/mL. Mine was below 350.

DBM: I see. How long have you been married?

Vedrana: 11 years in October.

DBM: Why did your husband hide such a diagnosis from you?

Vedrana: His excuse was that the person he contracted it from was undetected and had advised him to go on treatment so the HIV in his blood would be reduced to a lower level.

DBM: Wait! Help me understand what you’re saying better. So, he was on treatment?

Vedrana: Yes

DBM: And was having unprotected sex with you?

Vedrana: Precisely.

DBM: But that is not fair

Vedrana: That is why I gave him the option to pack out of our house, because I could have harmed him if he still was coming home to me.

DBM: So, where is he now?

Vedrana: I don’t know

DBM: Do you stay in touch with him?

Vedrana: Yes, he calls three times in a week to speak with our children.

DBM: Who was he sleeping with?

Vedrana: His ‘serious girlfriend. They had been in a relationship for four years. He was under the assumption that she was in a relationship with only him.

DBM: Was she the only girl he was messing around with – behind your back?

Vedrana: He claimed she was his only chick but she had a secret boyfriend who was also married. He was the one who infected her and his wife.

DBM: Oh lala!

Vedrana: Yes. We had to track the source. The married guy also had another woman who was a bit younger on the side. She had given it to him. She contracted it from her campus boyfriend who had been engaging in group sex with three of his friends. Apparently, the four boys were in the habit of meeting casually every month to make out with four random women in turns. None of the group sex squad knew of their status till I had to get all of them tested. They were all positive and probably had been infecting others they’re intimate with.

DBM: This is scary.

Vedrana: My husband refused to share his status with me. The boyfriend of his girlfriend did not share his status with his wife. She found out the same week I got my results.

DBM: Is it not a crime?

Vedrana: It is, Dave. I can be charged with a crime if I have unprotected sex with another man without disclosing my HIV+ status to him.

DBM: Why didn’t you report your husband to the police?

Vedrana: He had the option to either leave the house or get arrested.

DBM: Are you going be alright?

Vedrana: I will be fine. I am trying to live well.

DBM: It shouldn’t be about how well you live but how long you live well.

Vedrana: That’s true.

DBM: How old are your kids?

Vedrana: 9/11

DBM: Do they know why their father has been out of the house for so long?

Vedrana: I am hoping he will tell them in his own time.

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Vedrana: I’m saddened about the fact that I spent 11 years of my life giving everything to my marriage and the man I thought loved me so much to not want to hurt me. Dave, I have sacrificed so much for my husband. He is the only man I have slept with since we started dating. Now that he has brought this into my life, he is now apologizing and making promises upon promises to do all the things he vowed to do. Now, I am left wondering whether I should believe his abrupt change.

DBM: Have you forgiven him?

Vedrana: I’m not sure I can.

DBM: Do you feel like giving him a second chance?

Vedrana: Will that change my HIV status?

DBM: No!

Vedrana: What’s the point then?

DBM: I am terribly sorry about what you have to go through because of him

Vedrana: Sorry doesn’t change a thing.

DBM: Some men, unfortunately do take for granted the very people they believe will always be there for them.

Vedrana: He took me for granted

DBM: I doubt if he truly, even understands what he has done to you and the family as a whole.

Vedrana: And now that he’s fronting the reality of losing me, he’s all of a sudden feeling the urgency to change?

DBM: That’s a man in panic mode for you. He’s going to promise you heaven and earth, knowing very well he will not keep even one.

Vedrana: His family is also on my neck begging me to allow him to come home.

DBM: They shouldn’t be begging you! They should be begging him instead to become a better man, whether or not you take him back.

Vedrana: I’ll keep you posted.

DBM: Hmmm! I usually would tell people everything is going to be alright.

Vedrana: Please don’t tell me. There is no ‘alright’ in being HIV+. I will be doing myself a disservice by sweettalking my emotions to believe that everything is going to be okay, when very likely, I might have to live with this scar for the rest of my life.

DBM: There is more than enough space in my prayer to carry you along on your journey, even though you might be feeling the weight of it is too heavy to carry alone. There certainly are more positive (+) things in your life than HIV.

Vedrana: That’s very sweet of you. You’re right, I have worked so hard to be such a damn, incredible doctor.

Image Credit: Jeff Denlea

Checking-In On Ourselves

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Nyakpoo: Hello David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello sir

Nyakpoo: Yipee

DBM: Lol!

Nyakpoo: Finally. This is my third hello to you in three years. I’ve always wanted to share my love story with your audience.

DBM: Nice to meet you.

Nyakpoo: Nice to meet you, Dave.

DBM: I’m all ears.

Nyakpoo: Before I got married, my old boy sat me down to be sure I was cut out for it. Like him, I had made so many bad decisions in my dating life that negatively affected a lot of the women who had fallen in love with me. In my dad’s case, bringing children into it was the unforgivable part of his marriage. He told me that he felt he wasn’t mature enough to do marriage with my mother, though he was in his 30’s. My mom was ready to be a wife and mother but he wasn’t sure he was mentally and emotionally healthy to do the give and take in a serious commitment.

DBM: Why did he marry your mother?

Nyakpoo: She was pregnant with me. Also, he said she was hot.

DBM: Lol!

Nyakpoo: My dad was fluttering from one woman to the other, and that was pretty much my life too. I wasn’t interested in forming any ties yet. And there were no bounds, so I was meeting and having so much fun with different women who would come and go. I remember my father asking me one day if I had the maturity, patience and trust to be okay on the days, weeks or months that my wife wouldn’t feel like having sex with me. That was a tough question to answer because I am the very physical type of person when dating. My love language is… You know, in bed.

DBM: Your love language is in bed?

Nyakpoo: Anything vanilla under the sheets.

DBM: Smh!

Nyakpoo: He also wanted to know if I was willing to put in the needed time, the thoughtfulness, the level of self-control and sacrifice to make a marriage work. These were conversations I had never had with him before. In fact, I was very surprised he wanted to talk to me about it because in my eyes, he was the perfect example of a father and husband to look up to but no, he told me he failed my mother as her husband.

DBM: Did he explain his definition of failure?

Nyakpoo: His definition was everything my life with women had become. I was living without care and only interested in the casual. I realized I had been manipulating and deceiving women to get what I wanted without any intention of being in a committed relationship with them.

DBM: Why did you want to marry your wife?

Nyakpoo: She was pregnant with my child

DBM: Let me guess, and she was hot? Lol

Nyakpoo: Lol. Yes, she was very hot. I’m my father’s son. But that was not that. I had introduced her to my parents and I think my mother had told her to be sure she wanted to do life with me. My mum doesn’t know about my personal lifestyle but she assumed I was just like my father, and was cautioning my wife to be careful with her heart. To be honest, I was really hurt she could say that to my woman.

DBM: Why were you hurt? She wasn’t lying about you, was she?

Nyakpoo: She wasn’t but she shouldn’t have. Because of what she told her, my wife started to feel a little confused, and was constantly questioning my intentions.

DBM: What were your intentions for her?

Nyakpoo: I didn’t have any but I cared.

DBM: I see. How did you two first meet?

Nyakpoo: We met in a bar. I’m usually the first to walk up to a pretty woman I am interested in but with her, I couldn’t get myself to approach her. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t at least, try.

DBM: What was your initial intention for the first approach?

Nyakpoo: To know her and maybe f**k with her. But we talked for almost an hour and went our separate ways. Days later, I found myself showing up to her office with a basket of goodies for an office break picnic. She was cooked.

DBM: Lol! You liked her that much huh?

Nyakpoo: I hadn’t done that before. Also, my life was all over the place and a bit questionable, and I had been trying to answer with women, sex and alcohol. Becoming friends with her changed my attitude about everything. My life I think took a few twists and turns that later on forced me to want to straighten it out. Her love for her parents inspired me to also be visiting my mother and father more often.

DBM: What about her made her stand out and not blend in?

Nyakpoo: I desired her in ways I hadn’t needed a woman before, and that made me want to be a better man for her. I developed a kind of love I had never felt for anyone.

DBM: Nice. I’ve already asked this question but I’d like to ask again, why did you want to marry your wife?

Nyakpoo: Honestly Dave, I’d never thought of having a family with anyone. My life was all about going with the flow. However, my wife was the only woman who ever made me feel at peace when I thought about the possibility of a marriage. She was my definition of what felt right to me. She had a lot of love in her to give.

DBM: Can you explain that?

Nyakpoo: I saw the way she loved her parents and siblings. How she loved her close friends and some of the people she worked with. The love she shared in her circle of friends, even when some of her colleagues were hard to love. I just couldn’t look past that. It said a lot about her. She doesn’t know this but she taught and showed me how to love by the way she filled me up with so much of her love for me.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Nyakpoo: We’ve done 15 years so far.

DBM: And, has it been easy?

Nyakpoo: This is what I’ve been doing every weekend since we got married; I check in on my wife to know how I’m doing as her husband. I ask if she’s happy in the marriage. I ask if she’s okay. I ask if there’s anything I could do to improve her life or ours, as a couple. Whatever her responses are to these questions, I try to do the best I can to make it up to her in the week. She picked up on my line of questioning and started doing the same with me every Sunday. I check in on her every Saturday, and she checks in on my needs every Sunday. It has made our 15 years together as husband and wife so easy.

DBM: Oh wow! I’ve never thought of that. I’m going to copy this check-in tactic and practice it in my own marriage. We say ‘I love you’ everyday but I have never been the type to check in to know if I make happy. Thank you for this insight.

Nyakpoo: Because she’s been checking in on my needs, I’ve never felt the need to even cheat on her.

DBM: I figured. Huh! This is good information. I like you

Nyakpoo: Thanks Dave. I like you too.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Learning To Co-Parent

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Enyonyam: Hello David. How are you? I would like to share a situation I find myself in to get your views and that of your audience.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing? Sorry for the late response. I am just seeing your message.

Enyonyam: Hi David. I am excited! Finally, I got you. Thank you for getting back to me. My story goes like this, Dave. My ex-husband and I were long time friends before we started dating. At the time I believed we were good friends. I never anticipated that the friendship would end up in a relationship. I did not envision that from the onset considering the nature of our friendship. Fast forward, we got married. I must confess I put everything into the marriage. Prior to the marriage, he had a son which he hid from me and only disclosed when we were making preparations to get married. I felt betrayed and felt he was not trustworthy considering the fact that he could conceal such information. However, based on the advice of close friends on his side I agreed. Soon after our marriage, he started exhibiting signs I never saw during our dating. He became mean and was reluctant to make love to me. I noticed a change of behavior at the onset of the marriage. I must confess he was not financially okay at the time, and I was also not in a good position to assist.

DBM: What advice did his close friends give to you?

Enyonyam: That since the mother of the child was married and there was less chance of him going back to her, I had no cause to worry. They assured he was a better person now too.

DBM: Interesting! I am listening.

Enyonyam: So, I was also convinced because he carried himself so well. Everyone viewed him as an ‘angel’. He was religious and down to earth as society would usually say. Dave my issue is the person I encountered in marriage comes nowhere near the image perceived by people around him. In fact, no one believed me at the time. I fell into depression especially as a nursing mother, faced career issues because I wasn’t mentally stable and many more. Eventually I had to leave the marriage.

DBM: Did you at least, bother to find out from him when he got the lady pregnant exactly where his headspace was when he cheated?

Enyonyam: Let me clarify. He had that child years before he met me. So, my issue was why he did not disclose that he had a child. His explanation was that it was a one-off sexual encounter that resulted in pregnancy. That incident he claimed was not reflective of his character.

DBM: Oh, okay! I get it now.

Enyonyam: Thanks. So back to the reason I left the marriage. I was emotionally abused and neglected. But Dave, one of the main reasons for leaving the marriage was that he started engaging with an ex-girlfriend when we got married. When I found out and confronted him, he denied and would rather feign anger. Fast forward when I was convinced that he was indeed having the affair, I left. This ex-girlfriend was married at the time of their affair. Meaning they were both married. She left her husband whilst he continued to emotionally abuse me so that I left the marriage rather.

DBM: If I choose to be abusive, disrespectful or unfaithful to my partner, I am very much aware that I am making a choice that’s unfair, certainly uncaring and selfish. So, he knew exactly what he was doing to you, unfortunately.

Enyonyam: I feel better knowing this because at a point I felt I was mentally unstable. He would make me doubt my reality and tell everyone I am making up stories. That he was not cheating.

DBM: I am so sorry about that.

Enyonyam: Thankfully, shortly after our divorce, they remarried. I use the word ‘thankfully because I feel vindicated.

DBM: Ha!

Enyonyam: I feel I was not making up stories. Everyone makes it appear you left because you were not ‘marriage material’ which I care little about because I know my worth and know how much I poured into the marriage.

DBM: People will talk no matter what. That is how come I hardly would respond to anyone and their perceptions of me.

Enyonyam: I must learn to master same too

DBM: Lol!

Enyonyam: So, my concern now is how do I co parent peacefully with him knowing that his wife broke our home. She knew very much about me. She gave us a wedding gift during our wedding. Gave us clothes for the baby during the naming ceremony. I feel so pained knowing how insensitive and selfish they both have been and the fact that they have displaced a young child from his home. The thought of single parenting breaks me. I cannot envision my child going to her. I am not bitter but describing how I feel seems so but I can assure you that I am at peace.

DBM: Is she the same lady he had a kid with prior to meeting you?

Enyonyam: No. This one was married for about 5 years and had no child out of that marriage. She left her marriage just when we got married. She appears to have money and it appears he went in for her money.

DBM: I see. Or he might have also gone in for love. It could be anything

Enyonyam: Well, it is possible. I am just wondering if love defies everything including abandoning your home and child to have an affair with a married woman who later becomes his wife. I cannot judge. I have chosen not to question his choice. The reason I left to find someone who appreciates me.

DBM: While it’s important to maintain a stable front for the sake of your children, have you felt all of your feelings after the split with your ex?

Enyonyam: No. I am not angry he chose another woman over me. I am still hurt that he would cause my son to go through the pain of not having both parents under the same roof. The pain of knowing what divorce does to children and also especially because this is his second time of having a child and not playing any significant role in their upbringing. He believes once he sends monthly stipend he is carrying out his fatherly duties. I see fatherhood as a bigger concept than financial provision. I am struggling and need help on how to handle issues of the betrayal alongside raising a son who will not grow up to be like him in this regard.

DBM: You need to give yourself space to feel all these emotions. Do you sometimes feel tempted to bad-mouth your ex-husband around your son?

Enyonyam: No, I have never done that. What I struggle with is letting him around him completely. I feel he will not have a good influence on him. At the same time, I know a child needs a father. Also, the nature of the betrayal makes it difficult to trust him and his wife completely.

DBM: Your child doesn’t just need his father. He needs structure and consistency from the both of you. How you both choose to express discipline and whatever kind of boundaries to the expectations of both households is what needs to be discussed right now. You need to put the betrayal and the parties that contributed to it aside and come up with a reliable framework for your son’s sake.

Enyonyam: I agree but I must confess consistency has never been a thing on his part. I am happy to work towards something that would work for my son.

DBM: Have you two ever agreed on anything since the divorce?

Enyonyam: Yes, to some extent. We have some agreed terms. I must confess I have found it difficult communicating with him. I would rather stay in my corner than reach out to him. It’s something I am struggling with. And this is because I would rather do it all rather than experience the disappointments all over. When you expect him to do something he won’t and vice versa.

DBM: Is he the type of person who would be willing to parent his child with you as a united front, or he’s the type to rather parent separately? Because from what you are telling me, you would rather do yours separately for the sake of your peace of mind.

Enyonyam: I honestly cannot tell what the dynamics would be now. What I can say is he previously never cared about significant issues such as milestones, educational progress etc. of our son. After the divorce and when he noticed people were advising him to pay heed to child and also that I had set strong boundaries, he started showing interest in the child. So, I am not sure what his parenting style would be now. I am only wondering? Do I sound bitter if I do not want his wife around my son. Or unhealed if I feel she cannot be trusted.

DBM: Do you want to know what I really think or you want to hear what I want you to hear?

Enyonyam: No, I want to know what you think because I want to be a better version of myself. I am still on my healing journey.

DBM: Learn to let go of your control so you can be open to trusting him and his wife to have your son’s best interest at heart when he’s there visiting. I know some things still does not make sense to you but try.

Enyonyam: Thanks so much for acknowledging it does not come easy. I will do my best.

Image Credit: Katrin Bolovtsova

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