Being Responsible

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I was 23 years old and, in the university, when news got to me that both of my parents had died. The last real memory I had of them was at the morning of their funeral. Their caskets were in the center aisle. My mother looked so peaceful and rested in her casket. When I looked down at my father, his face had been positioned in an almost frown. He looked angry as always. My sister was 20 years old by then and I remember hearing her cry uncontrollably, it almost broke me to tears. I was determined not to cry and I remained strong. I had already cried enough and had no more tears left to shed.

I held myself together as the priest conducted the service till, they had been buried. My sister and I found ourselves alone for the first time after everyone had left and we were devastated. Being the oldest child, it dawned on me the challenge of being responsible for my sister’s upkeep. I hadn’t considered a day in my life where I was going to be the grown up in the room helping my younger sister through her grief, while at the same time, working through my own. I didn’t know what to do at that point. I remember closing my eyes and crying behind my confusion. Dave, it felt impossible for me to even pray because I was overwhelmed by the sorrow and despair.

I knew I and my sister desperately needed consolation from God, but we didn’t know what to say to Him. I in particular was too heartbroken to even think about the right words to pray with. What I was grateful for though, was the fact that our mother taught us early in life how to have a praying heart and soul which was turned to God. So, in a time like that, we could remember every now and then, that our actions and deeds; even in our inability to have the right words to pray, our tears and sorrows, our hurts and disappointments; our fears could all be transformed into the perfect communion and communication with God. All we had to do was cry and God understood.

The first week after their burial, I took on a responsibility, while tough, seemed the most obvious and unambiguous; I had to ensure my sister’s basic needs were tendered to. I made sure she ate, even if it meant a bite or two. I cooked, did laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, stocked the kitchen with some of her preferred foods that required little or no preparation. I became her dad all of a sudden, doing the biggest job on my own. Taking good care of a grown woman is a responsibility that does not show up on any man’s resume. I learned to pour all the love and its emotions I never knew I could give, all the support into my sister so she could become an astounding young woman.

I feel very proud of myself right now because my sister recently got married and raised a toast in my honor. She believes I challenged her preferences in men. She used to be all about looks and charm. If a man had a handsome face, an attractive physique, made enough money and could make her laugh, she would be allured to that. But 14 years after the death of our parents, she’s come to realize that an incredibly handsome man who is irresponsible and unreliable is not an attractive man. A rich man who makes promises and plans but not follow through on them is not an attractive man. Her tribute and appreciation of me was basically to say that, I was the type of man who showed up when I said I would.

I took charge when all hope seemed lost. I did not sit back and let things happen, I made things happen for us. Aside encouraging her daily to express her true feelings and emotions, I stood by her as she began to move forward from grief to, ultimately, pursuing her dreams in life. I was driven and motivated to make sure we were one step ahead each and every day and this, according to her, inspired her to be the best version of herself. She is now married to a man who also has the ability to perceive her emotional state and respond calmly to her needs. My wife is also the type of woman who knows how to manage not just her own emotions, but can discern that of my own. Thank you, David, for this platform that is allowing some of us guys to look beyond the surface and pour our hearts out.

Image Credit: Sherman Trotz 

The Waakye Seller

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Good evening, David. I want to share my love story but keep me anonymous. I have been married to the same woman for 16 years. She’s the lady seated next to me on my profile picture. I have not known any other woman but her. Before I met my wife, I was always praying for the perfect woman to marry. My wife used to sell waakye for her madam. She helped her cook it and then, she would come and sell. She had set her shop in a busy area near where I used to work.

I always thought she was beautiful but never gathered the courage to tell her. I was one of her loyal customers and she knew exactly how much I was going to spend every time it reached my turn to be served. We got to that stage of knowing each other on a first name basis. She was very popular in the neighborhood because of two things; the food was good and she was pretty. Every guy wanted to buy from her. I got jealous a few times I was in line to buy waakye because she knew almost all the guys by their first names. And the kinds of cars that would park by the roadside just to buy waakye. I felt some of the men wanted to flex with their rides just to catch her attention.

I was next in queue behind a ‘big’ man she was attending to who was asking her a number of personal questions. The man was assuring he could provide nice things for her if she would agree to date him. When I heard him say that, I remembered I also dress to look good just for her. It wasn’t completely for waakye or work. All the corporate guys in the queue were saying the right things and doing the right things to catch her attention. She finished serving the ‘big’ man and for the first time she asked, ‘Kwabena, what do you want?’

She realized I was fuming with jealousy. I wondered what she meant by ‘what did I want!’ Because she had already started topping my usual order with stew, eggs, gari, wele, shito and salad; wrapped in the banana leaf. She handed my food to me, took the money and whispered, “I want to know how you feel. I want to connect with your heart. All I desire is security and trust.”

From that day, I knew I had to pursue her because she was valuable enough to catch my full attention. She saw me beyond the customer she had retained. The fact that she liked me too made me want to be the perfect man for her at all cost. My focus shifted that day on the kind of life I wanted to live, and most importantly, the kind of boyfriend and husband I wanted to be. My favorite waakye seller was an amazing woman and I had to become an amazing man in order to love her well.

I have been a man of my word in the 16 years we’ve been together in holy matrimony. Not once have I dropped a vow because a beautiful woman gave me attention and opportunity. Not once have I considered backing out on my marriage or family or commitments. When we officially decided to be exclusive, I stopped flirting with other women. I was no longer casual texting or communicating with old and new flames. I stopped my eyes from lingering and wandering.

Some of us grew up watching parents do marriage anyhow. My father did not know how to do marriage right with my mother, and because of that, could not teach me what they did not know. So, when I got married, I made a decision to love everything about my waakye seller. The sacrifices this woman has made for me and our children; even how she runs our household. Whenever she shows up for me with intimacy, I am nothing but excited and happy to be one with her. Dave, my wife knows she cannot fail with me by her side and I am always validating and appreciating the little she does for me and the children. Not once have I made her feel unattractive. She’s beautiful and sexy and she’s comfortable flaunting all her assets before me. I have no expectations about how the mother of my children should look, perform in bed or even behave. We should not be the men burdening our wives because I am not.

Image Credit: Darkshade Photos

Landing A Rich Man

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David, how are you doing? So, I am going to try to be as honest as possible to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth; so, help me God. There came a time in my life that I had to reinvent myself with the sole aim of landing a rich man. I needed to be a rich man’s wife because I was sick and tired of being a bank teller. I felt like I also deserved to eat at top restaurants and drink the finest wines. I have been married for six years and my husband is filthy loaded. I targeted him because he has crazy money. Luckily for me, he is very attractive too.

I had been playing under the guise of just wanting a man who had his shit together but that wasn’t the whole truth. Though I wouldn’t consider myself to be shallow, I have a hunger for the finer things in life. I love life. I love money. I love to dress good. I love to smell good. I love jewelry. I love great shoes and bags. I want to co-own a beautiful house. I want to drive nice car. I want my children to have everything I never had. And I came to realize later on that, most rich men are willing to pay for someone extremely beautiful and nice to look at and also, fuck.

Love clearly isn’t the most important thing to me. I am a very beautiful woman and I know what the tradeoffs are when dealing with some of these guys with serious money and assets. What I found attractive about miŋɛ was the fact that his utterances weren’t the type that had to buy a fantasy of a better version of himself. He didn’t like talking about or flaunting his wealth. He was just like the everyday person and wasn’t doing or saying too much to make lesser folks feel jealous.

We bumped into each other at a mutual friend’s destination wedding and I could tell he was rich. He smelled rich. He looked simple and average but his demeanor was rich. I needed to test my assumption, and so, I walked towards him with a question, ‘Hello. My name is …. Can you give me an advice on money?’ He smiled with a confused look on his face but I wasn’t smiling back at him. I pretended to be serious and interested to learn. He gave a simple response, “Make sure the money coming in your bank account each month is way higher than the money going out.” I thanked him and politely walked away.
I didn’t speak with him again throughout the reception. When I got to my hotel that evening, there were lovely flowers and a card waiting for me, telling me how beautiful I looked and his willingness to want to teach me more about financial independence if I was still interested. The card had his phone number. I don’t know how he did it, but he managed to find information about me to locate me with beautiful flowers. We talked on phone so many times in a day for two months before asking me to marry him.

He made me understand he had been single because his main goal and focus was to make money. Due to that, he avoided ladies and had never seriously gotten involved in dating anyone. Now that his wealth is wealthing, he was ready to find true love. His proposal caught me off guard. I wasn’t ready to be proposed to. He told me how much he loved me and I had to tell him how calculating I was during the wedding reception. It was just his money and dick I was after and nothing else. I was expecting him to disrespect me, especially being from a lower class but no. He did not disregard or disrespect me for being poor and calculating. Instead, he offered me a dream to live in the present. Dave, sometimes, I wake up at dawn to pinch myself as reminder of how lucky I am in this life.

The day I walked down the aisle, we both knew I wasn’t marrying for love, and he was okay with that. He understood how much I cared for him as a person but was in love with his money. We built a happy relationship on his wealth for three years before I started falling in love with him naturally. The day I told him I believed I was falling in love with him was the first time I ever saw him cry. He told me he suspected I was falling in love with him because apparently, I had been flirting with him for months and was showing genuine signs of wanting to be with him.
Though I was contributing nothing to the table then, he still saw me as his equal.

Image Credit: Kebs-Visuals

Deacon Muna

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Participant: Dave, my name is Munachimso. Can we chat?

DBM: Hi Muna. What’s up?

Muna: I’m not sure who I am.

DBM: How are you doing?

Muna: Fine. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. Sup?

Muna: I know I’m a man, and a Christian. I am a deacon in church. I want to embrace my sexuality and also enjoy a gratifying relationship. I’ve been trying to figure out my orientation but I don’t know what to believe about myself anymore. I don’t know whether I’m straight, gay or something else. Romantically, I’m attracted to men. Sexually, I’m attracted to both men and women. I’ve experimented sex with both men and women and each excites me differently. Unfortunately, the sex I want to engage in the most has a lot of shame and stigma surrounding it.

DBM: How old are you?

Muna: 37 years

DBM: The sex you want to engage in the most is which type?

Muna: Men

DBM: You know that the way we feel about people or something today may be different than what we may feel, say, a year from now?

Muna: Yes. Believe me, I’ve laid awake at night wishing that I really could pray the gay away.

DBM: Why is that?

Muna: The gay stigma, Dave

DBM: It’s not that easy to grasp in depth your true feelings if you ignore them. As a human being, you ought to allow yourself enough room to feel your feelings.

Muna: I know

DBM: Have you been in a committed relationship before?

Muna: Yes

DBM: With men or women?

Muna: Both

DBM: For how long?

Muna: My last relationship was with a man. We were together for a year. I’ve also dated a woman for two years in the past.

DBM: You loved them?

Muna: I did

DBM: Were you in love with them?

Muna: I was

DBM: Why did the relationship end?

Muna: She found out I was messing around with my last relationship and broke up with me. I took advantage of the breakup to date him. My relationship with him didn’t work out because we were entertaining other dudes on the side.

DBM: Are you dating now?

Muna: I am entertaining a few conversations

DBM: Men or women?

Muna: Both

DBM: Which of the individuals you’re conversing with are you that much into?

Muna: I’m intimate with both, so I cannot be sure. But I enjoy being with them.

DBM: What do you feel for the guy?

Muna: I like him. I respect him; I like calling and talking to him. I love laughing at his stupid jokes. I wouldn’t mind being in a relationship with him.

DBM: How about the lady?

Muna: She brings out the best qualities in me, she would be a good mother if we’re to have any kids. She’s a positive influence in my life.

DBM: Do they know there’re two of them competing for your attention?

Muna: The man knows and does not mind. He understands that’s how it works.

DBM: That’s how what works?

Muna: If you want to achieve an ideal of normalcy. He is married to a woman

DBM: Are you straight?

Muna: I don’t think so

DBM: So, why are you trying anything that might make you straight?

Muna: Naija we dey, bro!

DBM: Are you bisexual?

Muna: I probably might be

DBM: But are you?

Muna: I’m not sure

DBM: Until you learn how to stand your ground in this society; until you learn how to pause, reflect to check-in with your authentic self to know who you really are, others will decide it for you.

Muna: I don’t want to be known as the ‘homosexual’

DBM: You’re a human being, a person. And you can identify as a man without societal labels.

Muna: Hmmm!

DBM: Make time to look at who you become when no one is watching

Muna: I know I’m going to have to deal with it. I get that

DBM: I doubt you get it. What you feel and what you do with a man or woman doesn’t make it any less valid an experience. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong with your choices. It doesn’t mean you’re confused. Are you confused?

Muna: No!

DBM: You know exactly what you’re doing and what you want in life, no?

Muna: I do

DBM: What do you want?

Muna: Someone who can make me feel special and safe

DBM: So, when you close your eyes right now and imagine yourself with a potential partner, do you see a specific gender?

Muna: Yes

DBM: Is it with a male or female?

Muna: A man.

DBM: Okay!

Muna: You think it’s, okay?

DBM: I think that’s your identity for the moment. Everything you believe you are. Everything you know, deep down, that you think about. Everything you feel and strongly believe. That is you, Muna.

Muna: I’ve been seeing a therapist for my depression.

DBM: You will get there. It’s just going to take a bit of time

Muna: But I’m still struggling to feel at ease being anything other than heterosexual

DBM: This fear can limit your ability to live to the fullest. You know that, no?

Muna: Yeah! It’s the shame of being gay that is holding me back

DBM: Shame can also be a sign of strength.

Muna: How does that work?

DBM: Feeling shame sometimes unearths our understanding and gives us the ability to actually connect with others

Muna: Last question

DBM: Please ask

Muna: How about what the Bible says about homosexuality?

DBM: I have not read the Bible in its entirety, but this is what I know, your life as a gay Christian man should not be filled with any different kind of fear, guilt or shame – that would discourage you to keep your unique experience with the grace of GOD upon your life to yourself. Do better and stop sleeping around.

Muna: My dick can be content sometimes with the right person but my heart isn’t most of the time. That’s why I am unable to stop.

DBM: It should matter to you who you put your rod and staff into.

Muna: Yeah!

DBM: Find someone you can be true to and be your authentic self around him or her.

Muna: I want to be in a serious relationship but some of these people the moment you start exchanging the I love you too feelings, they start to make you feel like a freak for desiring and wanting them sexually. I love sex. That’s why most men cheat. We’re not getting much of it in the relationships that are supposed to keep us happy and fulfilled. Work is stressful enough. Sex with outsiders can be a stress reliver. I am in my whoring phase till the shine wears off.

DBM: Even if it means being reckless with the feelings of people you know ultimately, may end up being that much into you?

Muna: Lol!

DBM: Explain your understanding and feelings about sex to me?

Muna: Let me use this simple analogy. I love to travel a lot. And though I love where I currently live, I often get sick and bored of the same old place. I know the routes and routines of the neighborhood and even the city. Same old everything, day in, day out. Meanwhile, there are fun places outside my neighborhood and city to visit. Fun places outside the country to see something new, eat something new, feel something new, do something new for a change. Do you have an idea how rich my experiences would be if I visited more places?

DBM: I don’t think any serious man or woman should cling to whatever crumbs of emotion an unavailable man is willing to throw their way – whenever they decide to check on them because they’re lonely and horny. People deserve people who want to stay.

Muna: I want to stay but people have to also learn to accepts those of us who love sex a lot. They should learn to deal with it and even perhaps, use it to their own advantage.

Image Credit: Mike Jones 

Worth Trying

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hi Dave. Thank you for this platform. I have been married for almost nine years and the last time I had sex with my husband was eight and a half years ago, on our honeymoon. He was involved in a very scary car accident after dropping his cousin who was his Best Man at our wedding, at the airport. He was on his way back to our hotel, according to his narration, when he saw a headlight coming his direction. He didn’t know how big or fast the approaching truck was. Thankfully, he survived. The truck driver however, died on the spot after his vehicle rolled several times through a fence. He was driving recklessly and it cost my husband dearly.

He’s been in a wheelchair since and had to deal with excessive pain in his back, hips and legs. It’s been a terrible experience not being able to enjoy marriage the way I had it planned in my head. I thought I was prepared for this whole ‘For better for worse’ and ‘In sickness and in health’ vow but Bruh, it’s no joke. I have managed to cope with the probable physical limitations he may have to live with, but I did not anticipate him losing his personality entirely too.

Marriage is no joke, Dave. People will say and do what helps their agenda, especially when you realize the kinks in the relationship has become knots. We were dancing to the tune of miscommunication which veered into resentment and disinterestedness. My husband emotionally pulled away and I did not see it coming. He wanted me to leave him because he didn’t believe I deserved him in his state. He gave up on me and I almost also did. His fears and concerns for me caused our disconnection. He did not see a reason in repairing what he was breaking each and every day with his attitude of not talking to me. He expected me to read his mind to know he was hurt for being in a wheelchair and unable to have sex with me.

I did not get married to him expecting to be divorced. That was not part of my plans, so I decided to take on the full spectrum of responsibilities, from becoming not just his wife but an amazing wife. I did not just become his nurse but the best of caregivers. I managed our household and did the best I could to cheer him up, even when he didn’t want to smile. I made him laugh and cry tears of joy. It was exhausting but I had to do it for my own mental health. I had to do it for my man, my husband, my best friend and lover; while I continued to work full-time.

Marriage is a lot of work when the unexpected befalls you. I had to change and be willing to do the work all by myself. I stopped myself from having to talk back at him before being loving. It was tough but it worked. It caused my husband to stop his bad attitude of needing love first before talking right at me. I had to tell myself many times to stop focusing on what was wrong in our marriage to what was right. I had to do the loving on this man who felt did not deserve my love. And I started to feel more love than I had ever felt for him.

I introduced pole dancing in our bedroom with the intent of impressing my husband with the sexiest and nastiest acrobatics my body could do. My goal worked and my husband now gets to be sexually stimulated with my beauty and poise. We do not have to always struggle to keep our marriage afloat. I chose to change myself to save my marriage. I am so glad I came to that realization. I stopped pointing fingers at the accident. I stopped pointing fingers at his wheelchair. I stopped pointing fingers at his inability to have an erection or have sex with me. I stopped pointing fingers at his attitude. I stopped blaming my husband for everything going wrong in our marriage. I stopped calling family and friends to vent or seek pity. I stopped being mean and decided to rather keep my emotions in check.

My husband is also changing for the better. Anytime he realizes that I am upset, and can sense my worries, pain or frustration, he takes a moment to understand what I am going through. He cares about my feelings. We are focused on building a healthier, happy marriage. And this is inspiring a positive change in our marriage and relationship towards one another. It was hard to let him off the hook to work on myself. But I dove into being a good wife, and it kept me interested in my husband and our marriage. It was worth it.

Image Credit: Jaycee300s 

Man like Fynn

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My husband claims he married me because of this strange, yet irritating habit I have of speaking too frequently in a question form. I am a very curious woman, Dave. That cannot be overstated. You tell me you love me; I need to know why you love me. You tell me you are not happy in the marriage, I need to know why you’re unhappy. You tell me you want sex; I need to know why you want to fuck me. These conversations spur learning and enables us to exchange as much ideas as possible. My husband will not admit to this, but it has fueled performance in our intimacy and built the needed rapport and trust between us.

We have been married for 21 years and our son was telling me recently that I am starting to look like his daddy. Apparently, we now share the same mannerisms and I have realized it too. The way I say ‘hello’ on the phone, the way I laugh and talk; the way I approach situations. It’s hard to observe oneself but I think being married to Fynn has helped me to also act in accordance with my beliefs, and have been consistent and reliable in my personal and professional life.

My husband is a very honest man. He has deep compassion and empathy. He understands my problems and would do anything to relieve my burdens or pain. I have never met a man who sincerely cares about the well-being of his wife and child as Fynn does. We first met at a Goil Filling station. He was walking around with a Bic Cristal pen behind his ear, providing customer service at the gas station. He moved to the fuel dispenser near my car to pump and before taking my cash, he asked if I was a single woman.

“Uh, yes!” I nodded, smiling to communicate that I was checking him out too from a distance.

“You know, we should get together some time this week.” He said, so enthusiastically while he took my money and counted it. I was single but not lonely, though often alone. Fynn was charming. He still is, but there was something about his appearance and smile, and the way he talked to me that captivated and held my interest. He brought a blend of strength and sensitivity to our first interaction at the filling station.

I picked him up after his shift one evening to go out on our first date. My observations were these; he was a smart guy. A very confident and curious graduate from Legon. He was also very BROKE. Dave, there is already a lot of pressure on women to do almost everything in the household. The idea of adding the burden of potentially carrying a broke man’s ass could almost be too much. I thought of it, to be honest. Fynn was honest and open about his feelings, pocket and intentions for me, and did not hide his thoughts. I listened to everything he had to say actively, and acknowledged our different viewpoints. I got to know he was unable to find a better job despite putting in the effort.

Fast forward to when he got his master’s degree, started his dream job and then later asked me to marry him. My husband has been consistent in being sensitive to my needs and feelings. He responds to me with so much kindness and support. Every year on our wedding anniversary, he assures me of keeping his promise and vows, and will fulfill his commitments. A man like this, I can depend upon in all aspects of my life. It’s not even about him being faithful to me; It’s about Fynn choosing to be devoted to the growth of our marriage, and standing firm even in challenging times. He walked into my life quietly and has been showing up for me loudly.

Every woman deserves to be with a man who willingly gives freely without expecting something in return. A man who enriches your life and the relationship he intends to build with you. A man who makes you feel valued and cared for without the daily broadcast of his goodness and mercies upon you. A man who treats you well, not just in easy times but when challenges arise. Fynn is a pleasant companion. Every decision or initiative he has taken in these 21 years have been made while considering my needs and wishes.

Image Credit: Chris wade NTEZICIMPA

Exploring Gray Areas

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Dave, no judgement. We know you. You think every black man is up to no good. That was just by the way. There was a time in my life that I had to be tilting the screen of my phone away from my wife anytime she walked by. A lot was happening on the apps on my phone that I didn’t want her to see. I had to be changing my passwords often because she was getting suspicious. It got to that point where privacy suddenly meant everything to me. I was in the wrong for having all these cheating tools hiding in plain sight.

I didn’t know she had installed Spynger and Eyezy to track activities on my phone, computer and cloud. She had access to all my SMS messages, call logs, photos, files and even my location. Things and contacts I had deleted, she had access to all. Dave, I work in IT, and mSpy had been installed and running quietly in the background, monitoring my social media posts, messages, friend lists, people I followed or chat with and I didn’t have a clue.
She gathered her evidence before confronting me. I didn’t have much to say because everything she was showing me did happen. She did not talk to me for two weeks. I came home from work one day and she told me she was no longer interested in having a monogamous relationship with me anymore. She wanted us to agree on guidelines that allowed us to screw or have emotional relations outside of our marriage. This is not an arrangement I was in favor of, but because I messed up first, I couldn’t fight it.
I asked if it was going to be purely sexual or we were allowed to look for emotional intimacy and she said she didn’t care. ‘Whatever happens, happens’. That was her response.

I also asked if we were going to play outside our marriage individually or together and she said individually. Dave, I love my wife and children and I do not want to raise my kids in two separate homes. That is why I was willing to allow her proposition in the first place, so she could even the score. I asked my wife how long she wanted the set-up to last so we could put the past behind us and get back to where we left off. She said the new arrangement was going to be our new normal. I’ve been thinking about this for sometime and have been wondering whether she’s opting for it because she already has someone in mind or she’s just not happy with our marriage?

I want to keep an open mind while I consider her offer. Though this might be the perfect opportunity for me to think outside the box about what more I might want sexually that I was afraid to ask previously, this eventually could also be the end of us if we are to open this door to explore the gray areas.

Image Credit: Sherman Trotz

Someone Someone Hugs

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Dave, it’s my turn to share my love story. I have been married for 14 good years. Before I got married, I was spending more of my time with people who were either twice or thrice my age, despite being in my 30’s. And for some strange reason, I couldn’t get along well with people my age. I felt I was missing something anytime I was in the company of my peers. I found conversations with people in my generation boring and uninspiring.

I met my wife through her grandfather. He was my former teacher in Senior Secondary School. I had moved to a new neighborhood and I found out from an old school mate that he lived in the area. He was my economics teacher. He could not remember who I was but he was one of my favorite teachers. We connected somehow, and he introduced me to some of his circle of friends. I was invited to their weekend gatherings and activities, and over time, became friends with all of them.

I loved hearing them share their work experiences with me and how they were living as retirees. When it came to the subject of love and relationship, I learned a whole lot from their stories. Their individual choices, decisions and affairs intrigued me. They had lived their best and worst lives and had dealt with their fair share of the consequences thence. Because I was interested in everything they had to say, they shared all the life advice they felt I needed to hear.

I was at work one day when I got a call from a lady. “My grandfather has been diagnosed with cancer”. She introduced herself and asked if I could come to the hospital. I got to know at the hospital it was the last-stage cancer because it had gone undetected for years. He was scheduled to go for surgery to get the tumor removed and I had to be the one reassuring his only granddaughter. She felt so dejected because her grandpa was very healthy at his age. There was no assurance given that he would come out alive.

My phone rang one midnight and for the first time in my adult life, I felt that empty pit of severe ache in my stomach. She had confirmed my biggest fear. Her grandfather was gone. Dave, I was unprepared for her bereavement because I didn’t know anything about her. I only knew her grandfather. I rushed to the hospital to support her while she waited in pain for her parents to arrive from Krobo Odumase.

There was nothing I could do or say at that moment to make her stop crying. I walked to her, held her in my arms for so long, and then hugged her so tight. Her eyes locked on me gently while I held her close, doing the best I could to calm her fears away. It was that one act of hugging away her tears and grief that it dawned on me; I wanted to be someone that someone wants to hug. Dave, imagine you knew that lady you briefly locked eyes with at the hospital was actually praying for a man like you to come into her life?

I married her because she knew how to be honest with me without hurting my feelings. She also gives really good hugs. She lets me eat off of her plate. I can be myself around her. Her personality is genuine. She’s smart and brings me closer to God. And the best part, we can have fun doing absolutely nothing. I also realized later on, she was the first person I wanted to look at when I woke up in the morning. I can confidently tell you today that for the past 14 years, anytime I am about to leave the house, I hug my wife for a whole minute. And when I return home, she hugs me for a minute before we talk about anything else.

Image Credit: Polina Tankilevitch 

Make An Offer

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David, I have been married to Sefakor for 10 years. We talked about the possibility of a marriage when we were dating. I have to admit that there were times I doubted our relationship. There were times that I strongly felt like it could work. The marriage I have today, 10 years later looks very much different from the marriage I thought I was going to have with my wife when we were boyfriend-girlfriend. I was the fast and furious type. A fuckboy who could masquerade as a woman’s prince charming, develop strong connection and feelings, only for the flame to fizzle out after I had a bite or two.

Right from day 1 when we first met, she made me understand that she wasn’t going to subject herself to any kind of unhappy situationship with me. She wasn’t going to waste her time with a man who did not deem it fit to earn and keep her trust. Dave, this was Day 1, and I hadn’t even suggested anything to the tune of me liking her. The women I used to chase were the types I could tell something today, and then do something entirely different tomorrow, and would get away with it. Sefakor’s encounter with me the first day I laid eyes on her left me scratching my head in confusion.

I was so confused and found the whole conversation funny, I left her office to my car, sat in the car for about 20 minutes laughing at myself. The next thing I realized, I had gone back to her office to ask for her number. The player in me felt challenged to come up with an optimal strategy, a clever way not to date her but rather maximize the likelihood of satisfaction. At least I thought I had such a formula.

I called her the following evening, talked for about an hour on the phone and then asked her out on a date. Before agreeing to our first date she asked if I was also talking to other women. I lied initially but she demanded an honest answer. I told her ‘Yes’. She followed up with, “how many women”? And of course, I lied about the number. They were five in total but told her two. She asked if I had gone on any dates with the ladies and I affirmed.  It was our first date. Although I knew she was incredibly gorgeous from our encounter in her office, this was going to be my first time of looking at her from a lustful appetite point of view.

There she came into the restaurant, slim, tall curvaceous. I nodded towards my direction and she joined me at the table. The moment she sat down she laid all her cards on the table. She wanted me to treat our first date as a job interview. Since I had mentioned, I was talking to two other women, she was presenting herself as the third candidate being interviewed to be my personal secretary. She actually made me imagine our date as a job interview. Her conditions were, at the end of our date/interview, I should have made a decision whether or not to give her the job. If I could not make a decision I could stand by with my full chest, then there wasn’t going to be any further conversations between us.

I thought it was an unfair pressure but she had a point. I wasn’t committed to any of the other women by that time I was on the date/interview with my sixth candidate. We spent close to four hours talking and getting to know each other. When we were done with the interview-date, I had to make an offer or move on. Dave, do you believe in love at first sight? It’s crazy mehn! That night, I knew I had so much respect for Sefakor. Even the way I talked to her with respect, I wanted to handle her so carefully. These past 10 years, my wife allowed me to be who I was and allowed me to grow for myself. She did not force growth and change on me. My sixth candidate was the last candidate I ever interviewed. I offered the job to her because my plan was to date for the fun of it but Sefakor met me with so much substance.

Image Credit: Terrillo Walls

Healed

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I am a senior and a big fan of your Facebook community. I do not comment on your posts but I read everything you share. I want to speak to the young ladies who come to you with their stories. I remember the first time I found out my late husband was having an affair. I remember the first time he denied the affair when I confronted him. I recall the night he made a decision to leave me. He did not divorce me; he just packed out one evening and never returned home. I could not fully comprehend his decision. I could not understand what his actions made me experience at that time.

I had done nothing wrong to him to deserve that level of rejection and abandonment, yet I was the one waking up at dawn, screaming and crying. I was filled with so many emotions. The mixture was a bit of shock, anger, fear, guilt and shame. Our nine-year-old daughter was the one who would hear me crying, and come running into my bedroom to comfort me as I wept against her shoulder. My daughter could not understand why I felt broken in many ways and couldn’t be strong for her. I felt so let down, because I had given years of my life to a man who didn’t see the reason in fighting for our marriage in the end.
I loved my late husband. I cared about him and wanted the best for him. I gave him everything a woman in love could lay at the feet of her man. When our daughter turned 22, she asked her father why he left me. He assured her he was in a reasonably, emotionally healthy relationship and marriage with me. He told his daughter how much he loved me, cared about me, and had no desire to hurt me the way he did. So, I was right when I stated I did nothing wrong to the best of my knowledge. She asked her father why he left us and he confessed that he wanted to explore a repressed part of himself. The core of who he was, was he liked being with other people. And being married constrained him.

He was curious about what his life could have been if he had chosen a different path. He also told her he initially felt I wasn’t meeting his every need and desire in the marriage. My girl asked whether all of his affair partners managed to meet his standards, and his answer was no. What he kept saying was, he felt he deserved more. David, when I vowed on our wedding day to be faithful to my late husband, I was indirectly saying I was willing to sacrifice all other better options out there and the pleasures thereof, to and for our marriage. What my husband did instead, was to view fidelity as something to be worked around.

He also made the attempt to make our daughter believe cheating is built into the fabric of the male psyche. That is a lie I want every woman reading my submission to stop hearing or believing. My daughter got married when she turned 29. She divorced her ex-husband at the age of 32. Like my late husband, he was also of the belief that the grass is always greener. And because he couldn’t bring himself to scar my baby girl by asking for divorce, he intentionally let my daughter discover his infidelity, so she could do his dirty work for him. They would rather deal with the shame of being caught, than try to explain why the marriage isn’t working for them.

My late husband left me when he was 36 years. He died when he was 51. I got married again when I was 52. I am 76 and still married to my wonderful husband. My daughter got married again at the age of 37. She was a mother of two. She’s still married to her second husband.
This is what I told my daughter when she was 31 years old and at that point, cohabitating with her ex-husband. Do not mistaken a man who is offering you breadcrumbs for a feast. Being disrespected in any form is not the kind of behaviour you should expect from any man. The woman you are is not a decorated figure, in the name of a wife who is just there, waiting on her man while he sows his wild oats. Do not put your relevance, self-worth and healing in the hands of any man who chooses to drop, break and hurt you. If he could shatter you that easily without care, then you are not waiting on him to also put you back together.

Image Credit: Elly Shots

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