Let’s Talk To Beata

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 188: My name is Beata

DBM: Hi Beata. How would you describe yourself?

Beata: I am a dedicated, laid back, thoughtful but tired mother and wife.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Beata: Six, I think for today

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Beata: I am a single mom of two. My children are 11 and nine years old. My husband is also a single father but his kids are grown. This is our second year in marriage and my children are begging me to take them out of his house. He has very strict house rules for the kids and they are now telling me they aren’t happy at home and they miss their father.

DBM: How old is your husband?

Beata: 49

DBM: How old are you?

Beata: 37

DBM: You had your children with one man?

Beata: Yes. He died a few years ago. We were married for four years.

DBM: What are some of the house rules making your children feel uncomfortable?

Beata: They’re not allowed to spend more than 10 minutes in the bathroom; the house is supposed to be silent at all times; they’re not allowed to go out and play with their friends after school; they’re to stay in their rooms and study after dinner; no TV, no video games, no friends coming over to visit them.

DBM: Why all these restrictions?

Beata: He says, children are not supposed to be given an inch, else they would take a mile

DBM: Do you believe that?

Beata: No!

DBM: Have you expressed your views to him?

Beata: I have tried but he says his house, his rules

DBM: How is his relationship towards you?

Beata: He is very caring and thoughtful. I believe my husband loves me very much because he treats me like his only chick. He makes me his top priority.

DBM: What are your priorities?

Beata: My children come first, and my husband knows that.

DBM: What were the dynamics like – when you first started dating?

Beata: He was very cool with my children, to be honest. He talked to them, joked with them, helped them with assignments from school, took us out to eat; he played with them and hardly made any attempt to be their father. He was that cool Uncle to them. Also, I was very busy with work and personal activities.

DBM: What changed?

Beata: That’s the same question I’ve been asking myself

DBM: When did he start being strict?

Beata: I noticed it in November, 2023, but my children are saying he changed when we moved in with him.

DBM: When did you all move in to his house?

Beata: After our engagement

DBM: How long after your engagement did you get married?

Beata: Four months

DBM: Did you at least discuss family roles prior to moving in with your children?

Beata: Not that I remember

DBM: Is it a house you both purchased?

Beata: No! He owns it.

DBM: Do you like how he’s treating your children?

Beata: No!

DBM: Have you told him that?

Beata: No!

DBM: Why not?

Beata: I don’t think he’s a bad father. He’s just strict

DBM: But your children are not happy

Beata: I know

DBM: Does that not concern you?

Beata: It does but I was thinking, wives have to love their husbands first, and more than their children.

DBM: When the children are his biological kids, no?

Beata: Not entirely

DBM: You said your children come first

Beata: They still do. What I am saying is I love my husband well so our love can provide the stable base for the kind of family we want.

DBM: How do your kids address him?

Beata: Uncle, followed by his first name.

DBM: I see. Are your children respectful?

Beata: Yes

DBM: Do you believe your husband is doing his very best for your children to be happy in their new home?

Beata: I don’t know!

DBM: Do you believe he is doing his very best for you and your children?

Beata: Yes

DBM: That’s all that matters

Beata: Are you sure? How would you advise your sister if she were in my shoes?

DBM: I’d ask my sister the hard questions

Beata: Ask me

DBM: Why did you marry your husband?

Beata: To be honest, my husband is a good father-figure. All his children are doing very well for themselves. He is intelligent and successful. He is a good provider, and knows how to balance discipline and consequence.

DBM: Did you marry him because you’re in love with him? That was my question

Beata: No! The man I was in love with had no parenting experience, and could not have been able to take care of me and my children. I did not want my children to lose out. I chose to rather lose out on love, so I can be loved by the one who could take care of me and my children.

DBM: Thank you for your candor. It’s sad, but that’s your truth.

Beata: What do you really think of my decision?

DBM: I think it was selfish of you to choose a man under the false pretense of making him believe you’re in love with him. I do not see marriage as a scheme to replace a dead father in your kids’ lives.

Beata: David, you don’t know how it feels to be a parent with so many responsibilities on your head.

DBM: I do!

Beata: Okay, but you don’t know how it feels like to be a single mother with no one to assist you

DBM: I know how to be a man, and I am telling you – it does not matter whether or not a man has children, so far as he is kind and can be trusted, so far as he is committed to you and everything that concerns you, so far as he can be flexible and thoughtful, with or without money, can do right by you and your children. What every good and decent man out there is doing right now is maintaining a loving and stable home for his partner and their children, if any, with the little or more that they have to their name.

Beata: Ok!

DBM: Participant 187, Xaiden, left a question for you: ‘x2x +19=16x’

Beata: I am sorry but I cannot solve this equation

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Beata: Discus infertility in a marriage where both the man and woman want to have a child but are infertile?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Nappy

Let’s Talk To Xaiden

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 187: Xaiden

DBM: Hello Xaiden. How would you describe yourself?

Xaiden: Husband and dad

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Xaiden: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Xaiden: I am in love with my wife but I feel my wife only loves the fact that I love her. I seriously think my wife only loves my love for her but not me. Am I making sense to you? The woman is not in love with me as a person. She just likes how my love for her makes her feel.

DBM: How does your love make her feel?

Xaiden: How do I even explain this: I treat my wife better than my mother, children, siblings, friends, other women. My wife is my first priority. She knows I factor her in every decision I make. I tell her every day, how much I think of her. I check on my wife everyday when I am not home; I anticipate her every need. I do not talk down at her; I notice her dressing and compliment her beauty. She knows she’s secure with me. I keep her safe and comfortable.

DBM: You sound like a responsible man. Her heart seems to be in good hands

Xaiden: That is what I am trying to say, she knows all this and likes it but she is not interested in me as a person.

DBM: Who fell in love first in your relationship?

Xaiden: I did. I committed faster than she did

DBM: So, she did commit to you at a point?

Xaiden: I don’t know. Meanwhile, in the past when I wasn’t so serious about relationships and girls, they chased me and would go all crazy about me. Now that I have chosen to invest my heart and energy in my marriage and relationship, she’s rather losing interest.

DBM: Has she verbalized her loss of interest in you?

Xaiden: No, but I feel it

DBM: Okay! Your feelings are valid. You know her best

Xaiden: I do

DBM: How long have you been married?

Xaiden: 10 years

DBM: Do you at least, see any hope for your future together?

Xaiden: She might tag along for our children’s sake and the comfortable living I’m providing for the family. But she will not love me back.

DBM: Because …

Xaiden: I’m probably not the type she goes for.

DBM: How does this make you feel?

Xaiden: I’m pained bruh!

DBM: I’m very sorry about that

Xaiden: Hmmm!

DBM: What’s your attitude towards everything that’s going on?

Xaiden: I’ve been toying with a couple of ideas from my friends. I am considering going back to the dating pool.

DBM: As a single or married man?

Xaiden: Lol!

DBM: I believe your friends care about you, and their advice, no doubt, is well-intended but I think it’s a bit misguided.

Xaiden: Hmmm!

DBM: Will it make you stop yourself from still loving your wife?

Xaiden: I don’t know

DBM: I’d want to believe you are a good man, and I respect men like you. It’s a bittersweet experience to love and not be loved back but it is also an expression of your humanity as a whole. It’s a good thing to love your partner, so embrace it. Unreturned, though it may be, it needs not upset or hurt your feelings.

Xaiden: Easier said than done!

DBM: Not really! You cannot help but love your wife, and that’s also okay.

Xaiden: I feel like I am just wasting my time being with her.

DBM: Has she wronged you or the marriage, aside these observations?

Xaiden: No!

DBM: Almost six years of committing to and loving one person has thought me that, we cannot always make sense out of love. Love will not always be rational to us, thus, my reason for not expecting it to make sense to me all the time. In-as-much-as it will not always be the best of choice to make, it will be something we do because it does not just happen to us. Your wife may not be that much into you, but your love and respect for her, reveals in you, the man that you are.

Xaiden: She’s often tired when we make plans to have sex. Sex isn’t that frequent between us

DBM: Put the ball in her court for choosing the days she’d be less stressed to make time for you in the bedroom. If she cares about your needs as much as you say you do for her, she will make time.

Xaiden: My love language is physical touch. It’s not always about the sex. I feel loved when I am randomly hugging or touching or kissing. She’s not so open to that with me but she’s cool with her friends hugging and touching and giving pecks in the open.

DBM: Again, let her decide her level of intimacy when it comes to you. For now, back off a bit with your pressure. She knows who are. Continue being open and relaxed. She might, in time, start craving for your attention and willingly would mirror how your love makes her feel.

Xaiden: Another observation is that, she only pretends she loves me when she needs something. She acts lovey-dovey and would initiate sex when it’s convenient and never when I want her to.

DBM: I’m glad you’ve taken notice of all these hints. Unfortunately, many of us do not know how to hurt the feelings of those who have been good to us, with the truth. And so, we’d rather avoid the awkwardness of an actual conversation. Do not force someone who does not love you to love you.

Xaiden: Thank you, boss

DBM: Participant 186, Ame, left a question for you: ‘Why is the divorce rate so alarming lately and are we too “woke” as a generation to curb this menace?’

Xaiden: I think it’s because both men and women now have increased options. I got married because I felt I was supposed to, as man, but I am realizing I would have been way happier in a regular partnership, or relationship, and not necessarily in a marriage. I will be open to a divorce if my wife wants to.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Xaiden: x2x +19=16x

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Calvin Cowakces

Let’s Talk To Ame – Part II

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 186: It’s Ame again!!! 😂

DBM: Hi Ame. How would you describe yourself?

Ame: Hmmm! That is a rather interesting one: a woman who is in love and being loved on and has found her forever home.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ame: Now, I am hitting 100/10. Mehnnn!

DBM: Eish! Lol! What do you want to talk about?

Ame: I sincerely don’t have anything pressing to talk about: I have just met someone so amazing and I literally can’t share it with anyone close to me so I will rather share it with you and your followers. I just can’t keep calm about this man and all the emotions I am feeling.

DBM: Awww! How old is this guy, if I may ask?

Ame: He is in his late 40s.

DBM: Is he in the age bracket you prefer?

Ame: Yes, he sure is!

DBM: I am interested in knowing more about him, but let me ask a few personal, leading questions to guide me to him. I know many breakups are due to differing life visions. My first question is this: what is your vision, and does it complement his – to the best of your knowledge?

Ame: My vision for me after everything I have been through is to just live life, get a companion who understands me and see where life will take us. Marriage was never part of my plans because I feel one is enough. However, meeting him and listening to his vision and goals have changed a lot of things for me! Aside the fact that I am willing to try marriage with him again (bear in mind that this decision was not coerced but a natural consequence of our relationship), everything else ties in well with what I need for myself and what he also needs. We are like two peas in a pod and so alike eh, it seems we are one person in opposite bodies.

DBM: Is marriage for you? Or just being in a committed relationship is enough?

Ame: Initially, being in a committed relationship was more than enough but now… I can’t help the feeling of being in more than a committed relationship!

DBM: What would your friends say is your best quality?

Ame: My ability to love wholeheartedly and give my all to the one I love. I don’t play games with my love!

DBM: What is the most important thing to you in the world?

Ame: Aside my children, my goals and aspirations for my future and their future as well!

DBM: Would you say you have fallen in love?

Ame: Fallen k3… More than fallen oooo! I am even drowning in it!

DBM: Hehehehe! What do you want out of this relationship?

Ame: Apart from bearing his beautiful name and blending our families, I need, not want, I need for us to enjoy a beautiful happy life filled with the goodness of God and all good things that our association will bring to our lives. I need this relationship to be an epitome of what it means to have a second chance at love and to also serve as a reminder to those who think all is done that… God has not even started with you yet!

DBM: What is/are the most important quality/ies you found attractive in him?

Ame: Awwww! Let me just mention the basic ones because if I start, I won’t finish. Do you know what it means when someone sees you?

DBM: Tell me!

Ame: This man sees me and I don’t even need to say anything to him before it gets done. He is so calculated and thoughtful with everything he does. His humility is everything! His kindness is second to none and his love for me is the kind that makes you ask yourself whether this is really happening for you. Above all, his love for God is everything! A man that loves God should be everyone’s goal in life! I am not talking about a churchgoer; I am talking about someone who will pray with you and pray for you. Someone who believes in prayers and urges you to be prayerful!

DBM: How would you describe your heart? Is it open, partially closed, fearful or untrusting?

Ame: If I had locks and walls up, now they are open and broken down. You can’t have this person and not give your all!

DBM: Love looks and feels differently to different people. What does real love look like to you?

Ame: Real love cares about the other person and not self; real love is hard work and it is not a given; real love is service to the other person even when you are mad at each other.

DBM: How did you meet?

Ame: Hmmmm! It is a very interesting story for another day. However, we have been acquaintances for about 2 years now until one day, he sent me a random message on a status I made and that changed everything! 😊

DBM: What is the one thing about him that scares you?

Ame: His inability to say ‘No’ to people!

DBM: Explain

Ame: He is the type that will go to every length to make sure another person is comfortable. People, being people, naturally take that for granted.

DBM: Does he know and acknowledge this as a flaw?

Ame: He does and he is trying so hard to change that narrative… So far, there is steady progress and I am happy about that!

DBM: How did he officially ask you to be his girlfriend? I love proposal stories 🥰

Ame: Hehehehe! I guess I need to wait a while for that to happen. That has not officially happened yet… But he knows how important that singular act is to me!

DBM: He has not proposed?

Ame: No, he has not!

DBM: I see. Do you think love should always feel comfortable, or love ought to feel new and exciting?

Ame: Love is a journey that is not always smooth: from the beginning, it must feel comfortable, it must feel new and it must feel exciting. If a relationship, from the onset, does not share any of these qualities, you have no business pursuing it. But the hard work comes in as it progresses: challenges will come but how you handle it determines whether you will survive or not! If you know this, you will forever have peace. We have set out certain rules for how our relationship should go: foremost, you don’t go to bed mad at each other. If there is something you are unhappy about, voice it, let’s discuss and let go!

If you prefer to remain mad at the person a day after, that is your prerogative and you are entitled to it but don’t let it ruin a good day! Also, apologize when you are wrong and don’t try to defend it, no matter how tangible of an excuse you think you have. It eases anger quickly and helps you heal! So far, these have been working wonders for us! I don’t believe this comes with age but a decision to act maturely.

DBM: What makes you fall out of love?

Ame: Being taken for granted, being lied to and going days without checking up on me, especially when I have reached out and you promised to get back only for it to take you a week or more to do that! It just tells me I am not a priority…

DBM: Do you think knowing whether or not what you feel is love is dependent on how long you’ve known your guy?

Ame: Nope, not at all! If that is the case, the adage “Love at first sight” would not exist. 😂 Sometimes, the heart just knows what it wants and won’t lose any time when if finds it.

DBM: Agreed! Was it love at first sight with him?

Ame: Nope! Not at all! As stated earlier, we have been acquaintances for close to 2 years.

DBM: How long do you think it took before you knew you loved him?

Ame: It didn’t take 72hrs after we actually had a day conversation for me to realize that he can be the chosen one.

DBM: If you love someone, is cheating/unfaithfulness something that can be forgiven?

Ame: Very interesting question: I believe this actually depends on the person. There is not one-fit-all under such circumstances. Someone might forgive a cheating partner because he/she is thinking about other factors but some might never forgive. However, one thing that cheating does is that, even when you forgive, the betrayal changes the relationship in one way or the other. It taints the relationship and it is never the same again.

DBM: As a follow-up, would it be ‘forgive and forget’, ‘forgive but do not forget’, or ‘do not forgive at all’?

Ame: Anyone who does forgive and forget is a Saint! I know I can’t do that! I think I am more of a forgive but don’t forget kind of person and the one who does not forgive at all might as well end the relationship! 😂

DBM: Do you believe love changes people?

Ame: Oh yes, you should see me now! All the things I said I will not do because I did them for someone’s son and it took me nowhere, I am here nurturing a man all over again.

DBM: Lol!

Ame: On a more serious note, it makes you want to be a better person for your partner and if that person supports you, then you are on a path to becoming a better version of you!

DBM: Do you think people should change themselves to find love?

Ame: Hell to the no! How would you meet someone that genuinely loves you if you don’t present yourself. Well, many might want to change who they are to find love but I can never. Even when retuning to earth, naked you came, naked you will go, from dust to dust, my brother.

DBM: Participant 185, Plumb, left a question for you: ‘Will you fight for a relationship that you know is worth fighting for? Why?’

Ame: The key word is worth fighting for: I will gladly fight for that relationship with every fiber of my being but if I realize that the other person wants none of it, then I will let go. Remember, you both need to find it worthy to fight for!

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Ame: Why is the divorce rate so alarming lately and are we too “woke” as a generation to curb this menace?

DBM: Thank you!

Ame: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Rdne

Let’s Talk To Plumb

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 185: Plumb

DBM: Hello Plumb. How would you describe yourself?

Plumb: I don’t understand myself today

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Plumb: 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Plumb: November 2023, I drove my wife to the hospital because she was complaining about a sweltering sensation in her midsection. After a number of tests done on her they detected cancerous lesions. The doctor’s prognosis was that it was a terminal something. She’s currently stage 4. My wife became very weak in February, 2024, and we have not had sex since. In fact, our last sex was in December last year, before I first took her to the hospital. She’s not reacting too well to chemotherapy and watching her suffer breaks my heart. A few days ago, she suggested I find myself a girlfriend to meet my physical needs. I have never seen her like this before.

DBM: Seen her like what?

Plumb: Never seen her give up on herself

DBM: Because she suggested you find someone else to clear your hot?

Plumb: Not just that. She doesn’t think she’s going to beat the cancer. She’s been crying since December

DBM: How old is she?

Plumb: 41

DBM: What do you think your wife really wants for you?

Plumb: I don’t know! To be happy?

DBM: She also wants you to be yourself. She needs you to love her in your own way, since you’re both processing this scare

Plumb: I need to have sex again

DBM: You’ve not been with anyone since the news?

Plumb: No!

DBM: Have you been with anyone else prior to December?

Plumb: No!

DBM: How long have you been married?

Plumb: 5yrs

DBM: I see

Plumb: I feel like if I am to go ahead with what she’s suggesting, I would be the bad guy; and my conscience will fight me

DBM: A man’s character is who he is in the dark. For the moment, all I can say is – you have demonstrated your character pretty well

Plumb: Do you think I should do it?

DBM: Do you want to?

Plumb: I want to have sex

DBM: Do you want to have sex with another woman?

Plumb: I want to have sex

DBM: Okay! I have a question: prior to your wife’s illness, was sex outside of your marriage a boundary you and your wife had set or discussed as unacceptable?

Plumb: Yes

DBM: Okay! Any relationship where the people in it have not given themselves enough room to discuss boundaries, cheating is bound to happen

Plumb: She’s given me the go-ahead now. Do we still classify it as cheating?

DBM: Would you categorize it as cheating?

Plumb: I don’t think so

DBM: Does the thought of it excite you?

Plumb: No!

DBM: How does it make you feel?

Plumb: Conflicted

DBM: Why?

Plumb: I can’t explain it

DBM: Do you think your non-verbal cues and/or mannerisms at home, or towards your wife, might have pushed her to suggest this to you?

Plumb: How so?

DBM: We’re men; when every night is just not the ‘right time’ for her?

Plumb: Every night has not been the right night for her for almost eight months

DBM: Are you happy in your marriage?

Plumb: Truthfully, no! My wife is sick

DBM: That is the only reason?

Plumb: Also, because I don’t feel loved and appreciated.

DBM: Due to the lack of sexual intimacy with your wife

Plumb: Yes. Sex is how I feel loved

DBM: I know! And I think your wife cares a lot about you

Plumb: Yes. How do you deal with rejection at home?

DBM: What type of rejection?

Plumb: Sex

DBM: For my home, it’s not a straight ‘No!’ when one person is not in the mood for sex. It’s ‘not tonight, babe’ and we simply schedule the sex to the next morning or a later date that we both would look forward to. We always end up being the most amazing partner in the other’s eyes, just because we show one another how much we still care even if we’re not in the mood that moment to make love

Plumb: That’s cool vibes

DBM: Yhup!

Plumb: I don’t think my wife’s suggestion is genuine

DBM: Then, do not take it on

Plumb: It’s not easy, Dave

DBM: Such is life sometimes; a man would have to lose the one thing he thought he would never be able to live without – just to realize that, the thing he most certainly would not be able to live without is himself, and of course, his integrity.

Plumb: It’s not easy bro.

DBM: I can understand, and I applaud you for your candor. I am just hoping everything happening around you, and at home, will teach you an even greater understanding of who you are as a man, husband and father, if you have children.

Plumb: We have a four-year old son

DBM: You are strong. You are resilient. You are kind, and full of love for your dear wife and son.

Plumb: It was nice talking to you.

DBM: The pleasure is all mine. Participant 184, Calvary, left a question for you: ‘Are you voting Bawumia or Mahama, and why?’

Plumb: We’ve all heard their promises, smart-lines and lies, excuses and misrepresentations, but Ghana’s ability to succeed is why I believe former President Mahama should be re-elected. He is far from perfect but looking at the two options at hand, VP Bawumia does not seem to have a clear knowledge about the economy. We’ve all witnessed him talk about plans he’s implemented in the past seven and half years but has he been able to produce specifics that are really working for the good of the people? The arithmetic doesn’t work within the present government. That’s the truth. It’s a very corrupt system and government.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Plumb: Will you fight for a relationship that you know is worth fighting for? Why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Cottonbro

Let’s Talk To Calvary

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 184: My name is Calvary

DBM: Hi Calvary. How would you describe yourself?

Calvary: A once in a lifetime kind of woman

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Calvary: I am 5-ish today. It may change tomorrow

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Calvary: I came up with a solution to solve my husband’s weak ejaculation problem. His erectile dysfunction is a cause for concern in our marriage. And I wasn’t ready to start looking elsewhere to find good sex, that is why I thought through this idea before executing it.

DBM: What do you mean by weak ejaculation?

Calvary: Ne kɔteɛ nu ejaculation decreased in force and volume

DBM: I see. So, what was your brilliant idea?

Calvary: Viagra solution

DBM: 😊 Good for him

Calvary: He doesn’t know he’s taking it

DBM: How do you mean?

Calvary: I mix in with his soup, drinks, stew, tea, etc. on a daily basis. Well, depending on what he’s asking me to prepare or give to him at home.

DBM: But that is wrong, no?

Calvary: How is it wrong?

DBM: Did the two of you consult with a doctor about what’s best for him?

Calvary: I figured it out myself. His ego wouldn’t allow him to see a doctor.

DBM: How do you know?

Calvary: He’s my husband, I know him.

DBM: Is it working?

Calvary: Not the way I was hoping it would.

DBM: How long have you been doing this to him?

Calvary: Since the beginning of the year

DBM: What you are doing is criminal

Calvary: It’s not

DBM: Are you your husband’s doctor?

Calvary: Lol!

DBM: No, I’m being serious.

Calvary: I know what I’m doing

DBM: Have you considered your husband’s overall health?

Calvary: He’s fine

DBM: Has he any medical conditions he’s being treated for?

Calvary: Not really

DBM: Meaning, you’re not sure?

Calvary: He’s healthy, believe me. Just a little high pressure here and there but that’s all.

DBM: Viagra may or not be safe for men with high blood pressure. It actually interacts negatively with certain medications

Calvary: How do you know? Are you on Viagra?

DBM: No, but I’m just saying! I know it should only be taken once a day

Calvary: I will be careful

DBM: It’s not about being careful. You are drugging your husband

Calvary: I am healing the sick

DBM: What is the appropriate doze given him?

Calvary: I mix 20-mg tablet into whatever liquid I serve him. With the exception of water

DBM: The day he will experience a heart attack or die, remember to inform his family you were mixing Viagra to feed him.

Calvary: I have another pressing issue to discuss

DBM: What?

Calvary: There is this guy that I think I am attracted to. He is not available but I feel like we connect in our own special way.

DBM: He is not available, meaning?

Calvary: He is married

DBM: Are you available?

Calvary: I want to be for him – if he’s willing to avail himself too

DBM: Why?

Calvary: He is something my husband is not

DBM: What?

Calvary: Very considerate and caring, and kind.

DBM: And?

Calvary: Successful

DBM: In other words?

Calvary: Lol! Rich

DBM: Was he in the picture before your husband?

Calvary: Yes, but we hadn’t discovered our attraction for each other

DBM: When did you realize you liked him?

Calvary: When he told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me

DBM: Why is he thinking about you?

Calvary: That’s the same question I’ve been asking myself

DBM: Why are you thinking about him?

Calvary: He’s the kind of man I want for a husband

DBM: But he is married

Calvary: I know

DBM: What kind of man is your husband?

Calvary: He is my family. He is a wonderful man. I love him very much but I may just not be in love with him anymore

DBM: We all had to make the decision to wind up with strangers we ‘fell in love’ with, who later became our family. We are not supposed to stay in love with them all the time. The intense attraction is a temporary phase that is supposed to keep us together for a period, so deeper and meaningful feelings of love can develop and take root in us. You can choose to toy with the idea of fucking it all up.

Calvary: But don’t you also think life is rather too short to be married to the wrong person?

DBM: Are you married to the wrong man?

Calvary: Sometimes, I feel like I am

DBM: Then discuss the direction your marriage is going with your husband, so you can consider ending with him to see where things might go with the other guy.

Calvary: It’s not that simple

DBM: Do you see your husband truly happy with someone else?

Calvary: Yes

DBM: There’s your answer

Calvary: I am not in love with him

DBM: I believe you. Your answer to my question just clarified that

Calvary: Marriage is not easy. Hmmm!

DBM: When a bond you once shared weakens, your marriage automatically becomes vulnerable to outside factors that sometimes, damages it further. To stay married is a choice I make every single day, because I am content with what I have for a partner.

Calvary: I am not content with what I have

DBM: Very well understood. Your destiny is always in your hands, and so influence, direct and control your own narrative of love. Make your love-life what you want it to be, and with whoever you may want it to be with.

Calvary: Thank you!

DBM: Participant 183, Sabrina, left a question for you: ‘Why did your relationship with your ex not work out?’

Calvary: We grew apart

DBM:  It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Calvary: Are you voting Bawumia or Mahama, and why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Rdne

Let’s Talk To Sabrina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 183: Sabrina

DBM: Hello Sabrina. How would you describe yourself?

Sabrina: Highly organized with a strong work ethic.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sabrina: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Sabrina: I’ve been proposed to be married. I’ve said yes to him but a part of me isn’t sure whether I’m making the right decision. He’s a great guy but does not earn enough money. He has a bit of savings but he will be incapable of being a good provider. I make slightly more than him but even with that, I doubt we can support a family should we have a baby.

DBM: Is he financially responsible in character?

Sabrina: He is to the best of my knowledge. He supports his parents and little sister. A lot is going on with him. I know myself, and I feel like I may end up being unhappy in the future with him as my husband. The kind of life I want for my future wouldn’t fit into his plans.

DBM: What kind of life do you want for your future?

Sabrina: Let me tell you what I don’t want; I don’t want to end up like my mother and father. Ma was ignorant about money management, and left money matters to my dad after they married. My dad wasn’t skillful in the same and this resulted in unplanned life goals and investments in wrong ventures which austerely affected our family. The man I am about to marry doesn’t believe he’s anything like my parents, but I think he is.

DBM: You said he’s responsible with money, no?

Sabrina: To some extent. I mean, he doesn’t waste money buying designer stuff. He doesn’t spend on me because he thinks he has to save for our future. Every Cedi counts in his books.

DBM: He doesn’t spend on you?

Sabrina: Nope

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Sabrina: Three and a half years

DBM: And, he does not spend on you?

Sabrina: I can remember the last time he bought me something

DBM: When?

Sabrina: April, 2022

DBM: What did he get for you?

Sabrina: KFC. Even with that, I had to top up with a Ghs 100 because he didn’t have enough money on his mobile money that day.

DBM: Do you spend on him?

Sabrina: I used to but had to stop

DBM: Why?

Sabrina: He takes minor loans from me, and it takes him forever to sometimes pay back.

DBM: How do you feel about him in general?

Sabrina: I love him. He makes me laugh but I fear I may end up resenting him because he wouldn’t be capable of supporting us in a marriage.

DBM: How old are you?

Sabrina: 34

DBM: How old is he?

Sabrina: 38

DBM: Before I decided to settle down in marriage, I had to come to terms with the fact that, my marriage may be about accepting certain things in my partner that I didn’t necessarily love. My partner, on the other hand also had to learn how to tolerate what career women like yourself deal with on a daily basis: loving a husband who is not wealthy enough to tick all the boxes on your list.

Sabrina: It’s not easy. Hmmm!

DBM: When it comes to love and marriage, there really are no guarantees. And the grass isn’t always that greener.

Sabrina: I don’t want to suffer

DBM: You don’t have to suffer.

Sabrina: Hmmm!

DBM: In-as-much-as I’m all for ‘living your very best life’, I hold dear to love.

Sabrina: I love love too, Dave. But is love enough?

DBM: If he was making more money and had refused to spend on you, then I would have an issue. But here is the case he genuinely does not have. You can choose to learn how to enjoy him and the relationship if you want to. Life and love can be cheap, yet memorable, depending on what is important to you. I’m creating enjoyable memories with my choice of a partner and marriage.

Sabrina: I’m a bit conflicted

DBM: You need to understand though, that most men, naturally are givers. If a man genuinely is that much into you, he does not find it hard to go out of his way to please the love of his heart, however little. We spend on where our heart is.

Sabrina: You don’t think he loves me?

DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. Do you think he loves you?

Sabrina: I don’t know. He doesn’t spend on me at all.

DBM: Yeah! That’s a flag for me. I do not measure love by how much money one is able to give to another. I’m not a rich guy but I make the effort to make my partner feel wanted and comfortable. And comfort does not come about without spending an amount here or there.

Sabrina: I agree. I don’t think he loves me as much as he says he does

DBM: Talk to him about your concerns

Sabrina: I don’t have to. It’s not going to work between us.

DBM: I don’t think he’s stingy. He does not love you that much. That would be my biggest guess.

Sabrina: Because he’s been living on a budget with me for so long in our relationship.

DBM: And marriage will only enhance it to an unbearable magnitude. Love should not be brewed behind closed doors, all in the name of ‘he’s saving for our future’. You may end up not being a part of the said future. I’ve seen it happen to many women.

Sabrina: Thank you, David. You’ve been of great help.

DBM: You’re welcome! Participant 182, Zuhrah, left a question for you: ‘I am pregnant for a married man. Do I have to inform him about my decision to get an abortion? NB: I am not ready to be a mother. I do not want this pregnancy.’

Sabrina: See a doctor, flush the baby out and leave the relationship.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Sabrina: Why did your relationship with your ex not work out?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Andres Ayrton

Let’s Talk To Zuhrah

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 182: My name will be Zuhrah

DBM: Hi Zuhrah. How would you describe yourself?

Zuhrah: I’m a good lady but when I look within me, I can’t seem to find exactly where I might be going wrong.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Zuhrah: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Zuhrah: My boyfriend takes very good care of me but I fear he is not doing as much for his wife. He’s very fond of his children and would move heaven and earth to give them a comfortable life experience. His wife, however, lacks the kind of shared time and experience he gives to me.

DBM: Has his wife complained to you?

Zuhrah: No, but she’s called me before

DBM: What did she want?

Zuhrah: She asked whether I was having an affair with her husband. I confirmed it and she begged me not to tell him about the call.

DBM: That was all?

Zuhrah: She also asked if I was in love with him.

DBM: Are you in love with him?

Zuhrah: I love him for all that he’s been doing for me to have an easy life. However, I don’t think I am in love with him yet.

DBM: What does he do for you?

Zuhrah: He surprises me from time to time with almost everything I want. He makes me feel very safe. He’s ensured I live comfortably. He’s never forgotten my birthdays, and does not leave my place without leaving money for me to fuel my car. He has sex with me more than three times in a week. He tells me he loves me every day, and spends a lot of hours with me before going home to his wife and children.

DBM: How long have you been together?

Zuhrah:  It’s been over three years

DBM: What do you think he’s benefitting from his association with you?

Zuhrah: He says he feels connected to, and loved by me. I know how to make men experience the love and affection they crave for. Dave, I’m experienced when it comes to watering my plants well.

DBM: I was almost under the assumption that you’re being jejune believing he could be that much into you, but from the description you’ve given thus far, he probably might be in love with you.

Zuhrah: He is.

DBM: Why are you not in love with him yet?

Zuhrah: He is not my type.

DBM: Oh, you have a type?

Zuhrah: Don’t we all? Lol! I don’t find him physically attractive most of the time. He’s financially also not there yet, but I’m managing my situation with him like that till I find what I am looking for.

DBM: You need to give his wife hope. Let her understand you’re not in to take him away from her.

Zuhrah: I already gave her that assurance

DBM: And, what did she say?

Zuhrah: I don’t know. It was an uncomfortable conversation

DBM: I can only imagine. Are you building friendship with her?

Zuhrah: No. I am not interested in that.

DBM: Okay! Have you drawn his attention to your observation about how he treats his wife?

Zuhrah: Yes

DBM: And?

Zuhrah: He says he’s doing the best any husband would for his wife

DBM: Do you believe he is?

Zuhrah: I don’t. He treats me way better. He treats his children better. The wife, I don’t think so.

DBM: Do you feel bad about it?

Zuhrah: I don’t. He is the one disrespecting his wife. I am not married

DBM: Nonetheless, our actions reveal our character

Zuhrah: How do I help his wife?

DBM: Has she asked for your help?

Zuhrah: Not directly, but … I wish she could get the treatment I get

DBM: I don’t believe in treating others as I’d like to be treated

Zuhrah: How do you want it then?

DBM: I’d rather treat others the way they would want to be treated. That makes more sense to them, I think.

Zuhrah: You are married; how do married men want to feel loved etc.? I want something to at least, share with her. How does the special person in your life make you feel good?

DBM: I don’t know what other men want in order to feel important in the eyes of their partners, but I have someone who smiles at me every morning and evening, I get my daily dose of hugs and kisses; I’m appreciated for the little and big things I do; there is real adventure in my marriage and there is novelty.

Zuhrah: What if the man is sort of, closed off at home?

DBM: When a man is vulnerable in a relationship with you, he tends to have an open heart. And when our hearts open, we become emotionally present to your needs. You mentioned earlier that he makes you feel safe, no?

Zuhrah: He does

DBM: Exactly! I have a question though: who are you beyond your relationship with men?

Zuhrah: I don’t have an answer to that, sorry

DBM: Understood.

Zuhrah: I know I’m coming off as the bad person here but I can’t help it when someone is also choosing me to be his safe space, etc. You get my point?

DBM: I do. Every choice we make in life weighs on us, one way or the other. So, if dating this married man is the high road you’re choosing to journey on, it’s you who will reap the benefits thereof. I have seen life become difficult for people who chose to take the easy path. I have also seen life become so easy for certain individuals who chose to journey the hard and difficult path.

Zuhrah: Thank you. That’s food for thought.

DBM: Participant 181, Ame, left a question for you: ‘What would you have done differently in your life with the right support?’

Zuhrah: By the way, Ame is the second most interesting conversation I have read on your blog. I smiled throughout your chat with her. But to answer her question, with the right support I don’t think I would have lived small. I certainly would not find myself in such a situation where I’m being less than I can be.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Zuhrah: I am pregnant for a married man. Do I have to inform him about my decision to get an abortion? NB: I am not ready to be a mother. I do not want this pregnancy.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Bash Mutumba

Let’s Talk To Ame

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 181: Ame

DBM: Hello Ame. How would you describe yourself?

Ame: I am a bubbly, friendly, outgoing, smart, adaptable and an interesting person.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ame: 15/10

DBM: Eish! 😁 First of its kind

Ame: 🤣. I can actually explain why though. I don’t let things out of my control take away from me.

DBM: That makes sense

Ame: It is not that I don’t have problems: I have a mountain load that when some hear, they wonder how I sail through with a smile.

DBM: Anyways, what do you want to talk about?

Ame: I want to see if I am the only weird one: why am I friends with literally 95% of my exes?

DBM: Lol! As in, you feel like your authentic self around them?

Ame: As in, although we don’t talk frequently, we chat as friends would anytime. Even the one with the most annoying and hurtful breakup tends to be someone I can talk and laugh with. And even tease…

DBM: Interesting. You mind me asking how many exes you have?

Ame: I am feeling lazy but I guess I should have about 8. From when I was in secondary school till date. Might be more though 😁😅😂

DBM: Why did it not work out with Ex number 1?

Ame: With ex 1, he started another relationship with a girl in our neighborhood: I allowed them be anyways.

DBM: Oh boy! Why did your relationship with Ex 2 break up?

Ame: 😂 I think with ex two, his cousin impregnated my cousin and he denied it. I blasted both of them because he was supporting his cousin, knowing very well he was lying and… that was it! His cousin took responsibility for it though but I was done!

DBM: Hmmm! When did things start turning south between you and Ex 3?

Ame: Ex 3!!! Hmmmm! We met in Uni and I didn’t know he had a girlfriend at home whilst we were on campus till a friend of his shared the info with me! That was the end of another era…

DBM: I see. How about Ex 4?

Ame: Lol. Do I need to recount for all these? Lol

DBM: Not really! I just need information about the relationships so I can understand why you can be good friends and nice towards them.

Ame: You are taking me down memory lane. With ex 4, we dated in Uni for close to a year till he dropped a bombshell that he was no longer interested. We took a walk on that day to the beach. Years later, this boy told me he thought I was going to kill him on that day. I still can’t believe he thought I was capable of that! 😂🤣

DBM: Lol! 😂 Funny! Let’s jump to Ex 8

Ame: Why are you jumping? Go easy! Lol

DBM: Hehehehe

Ame: Anyway, let me check on who 8 is first. I am coming

DBM: Alright! Lol! 😊

Ame: Can I just do 6 and skip 5

DBM: My ears sweet me. Ex 6 then

Ame: 6 is who I will call my soulmate! Damn, my back and forth with this guy is like a pendulum. It is that kind of love that draws you in anytime but… We are bad for each other. Basically, how I can describe it.

DBM: What is the one thing that you feel you could’ve done differently with E-6?

Ame: This is a very … question. There was absolutely nothing to do differently when it comes to him. Nothing would have worked.

DBM: Okay!

Ame: Yhup!

DBM: We are not talking about Ex 5, but I would like to know whether or not you miss your relationship with him at all?

Ame: Not at all! I sometimes wonder if we even shared good times together because when I try, nothing pops up! Don’t know if I was the terrible one or he was? 😂

DBM: 😊

Ame: Yhup!

DBM: Do you believe in love?

Ame: Oh yes, I do! But lately, I want to believe that love alone is not enough. I have operated on just love for so long and been hurt in the end.

DBM: What makes enough?

Ame: Mutual respect, understanding, and money! 😂

DBM: Hehehehe! Money, I hear is vitamins D

Ame: I swear. It is more than Vitamin D. It is all the vitamins in one.

DBM: 😁

Ame: And can just cure anything: stress, slight headache, frustration: you name it!

DBM: Are you single, dating or married?

Ame: Almost hooked at the moment… That is if he proves to be correct: so far, I have no complains.

DBM: Great! How important is friendship or being on good terms with people to you?

Ame: Very very important: I have always held the belief that “human currency” is very important. You sincerely don’t know when you will need anyone’s help in the future so try as much as you can to be on good terms with all. They don’t necessarily have to be your friends; they must just know that this girl is a good person. That way, on any day of reckoning when you need help, they will support you.

DBM: I concur. Do your exes relate to you in the same manner your energy rubs off them?

Ame: I guess it is my energy that rubs off on them. If I don’t give them the opportunity, I am sure this cordiality will not be. I create the atmosphere for them to feel at ease with me despite how things ended. To me, life is too short for us to hold grudges.

DBM: Indeed! Did you ever see a long-term future with any of them?

Ame: Oh yes, number 5 that we skipped. But I guess it was not meant to be! Life goes on.

DBM: Can you proudly say you have forgiven them?

Ame: Oh yes, I have! Completely. It even shocks me because number 5 really does not deserve the forgiveness… But eh, I don’t want people living rent free in my head.

DBM: You seem kind. Per your experiences with men, what would you tell any man reading this – about their intentions and actions when dealing with women they’re pursuing?

Ame: Don’t awaken a woman’s love if you are not ready for it! If it is sex that you want, just let the woman know and if she wants that too, why not? Don’t do all the running around, pretending you are someone that you are not, just to get some coochie.

DBM: Hmmm! Talk to the young lady reading our conversation about herself and men (per your understanding of them)

Ame: Lol. You want people to come for me?

DBM: I believe we all can impact others with our experiences

Ame: Anyway, I have realized that humans in this generation, both men and women, are not to be trusted. Should you meet anyone, don’t fall in love completely and don’t give your 100 to any man, esp. if they are not doing that for you. Give them the exact same energy they give you! You give your all at your in risk.

DBM: Very well said. You mentioned kinda, dating someone now. Assuming it all works out well for your good, do you think an old flame can burn so hot – to awaken your senses all over again?

Ame: I would have answered in the affirmative some years ago but I don’t see that happening now. There is no chance in hell…

DBM: And assuming your current relationship works out, do you think the flame can burn to awaken your senses?

Ame: It might! I am actually looking forward to that happening. But we are going in with lessons learnt.

DBM: I see. Participant 180, Nessa, left a question for you: ‘Do you believe in spiritual marriage? The belief that some individuals have marital partners in the spirit world, which may present challenges when seeking earthly marriage partners.’

Ame: If you believe in God, then you most certainly must believe in the existence of the spiritual realm. I believe some spiritual marriages are meant to either destroy someone or to provide the opposite. Just pray you don’t encounter anyone with any of these marriages.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Ame: What would you have done differently in your life with the right support?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: RDNE

Let’s Talk To Nessa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 180: Nessa

DBM: Hi Nessa. How would you describe yourself?

Nessa: If asked to describe myself, I would say I’m an intelligent, ambitious individual with a humble and kind demeanor. I strive to be friendly and approachable, valuing my Christian faith and living a simple lifestyle.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Nessa: Usually, 8 but in the past week has dropped to 3.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nessa: A year ago, I underwent a surgery related to my fertility as a woman. The procedure was incredibly risky and nearly cost me my life. If I don’t conceive a child soon and the issue recurs, I may be faced with the necessity of undergoing the same surgery again. I’m finding it difficult to accept the possibility that marriage may not be in my future and that I might need to expedite having a child.

DBM: How old are you, if I may ask?

Nessa: 38

DBM: Why do you think marriage may not be in your future plans?

Nessa: Ideally, I would have wanted to get married before having a child. I believe marriage (not the wedding) is an honor to a woman. Skipping straight to the child birth is ‘someway’ for me. I don’t know if I answered your question correctly.

DBM: I see marriage as a promise to another person that I will spend my life with them. That should have absolutely NOTHING to do with child bearing. What’s your take on marriage?

Nessa: I appreciate your view on marriage. That’s a lesson for me. I see marriage as a union between two people to fulfill a calling, in addition to the companionship it provides. I also believe it comes with special blessings and makes women more respected in ‘our’ society.

DBM: I see. Are you single?

Nessa: Hahahahaa! That adds to the complexity of my life. I am in a relationship with a man who I would have to wait for about 1-2 years or more before we can get married. I can’t go into details about that. Let me also ask you this question: what’s your perception about women who have children and are unmarried?

DBM: I think we live in an age where families/parenthood comes in diverse ways. At the end of the day, I believe it’s all about happiness and what is suitable for that particular person or their idea of family. I think people should have the freedom to live their very best lives without worrying about societal constructs. People should live their lives and not be bothered by the ‘traditional’ norm of what communities/society believe are the right family structure. You live in a diverse city in America, what you may think/perceive is wrong in reality may not. What I think or anyone else thinks at the end of the day should not matter.

Nessa: I agree with you, 100%. I always ask myself, what am I afraid of and can’t seem to get the answer.

DBM: What’s your fear, really? Disappointment of not doing what could be expected of you?

Nessa: I want my child to grow up in the kind of home I didn’t get to have. A place where mum and dad are together. I don’t want my child to be raised by a single mother. A father’s influence is very important in every child’s life, I didn’t have that so I know how it feels.

DBM: What makes you think that a father’s influence on a child is important?

Nessa: For a male child, they have a masculine someone to look up to. For a female, a daddy is their first love. I believe a good father-daughter relationship affects her love life in the future.

DBM: I see. Do you believe every woman ought to have a child?

Nessa: No. Children are a gift from God and He chooses who He gives them to. Some women also choose not to have children.

DBM: Okay! Question: how long have you been dating your guy?

Nessa: 1 year plus

DBM: Are you an independent lady?

Nessa: Very independent

DBM: Are you and your guy on the same page about what you value, how you’ve both grown as a couple and essentially why you two feel that it’s baby time?

Nessa: We are not on the same page when it comes to marrying before childbirth. He wants us to have a baby and I want to wait till all obstacles are cleared (which means, we have to wait till 1-2 years later) before we try.

DBM: The 1 or 2 years before marriage thing is still not clear to me

Nessa: He is going through a divorce.

DBM: I figured

Nessa: Honestly, I wish there was someone I could confidently choose without all these complications.

DBM: In two years, you’ll be 40 years old. Do you believe this man will actually divorce his wife? Also, you sound like a very intelligent woman, do you think this relationship is worth your time? As much as you want to raise a kid in a two-parent household, are you willing to sacrifice your values to make something happen with someone who may end up being a huge mistake?

Nessa: Thanks for the compliment. I honestly wouldn’t want to sacrifice my values. Those are tough questions to answer, you know! I just don’t want to go back to finding someone new. Those questions you asked earlier is making me think about things in a different way.

DBM: On a personal note, why can’t your significant other divorce his spouse now?

Nessa: It’s a long process. He is in it, but it can take longer than expected.

DBM: Is the guy also in the States?

Nessa: No.

DBM: I think you really need to sit and ponder your future. Knowing what you know of Ghana and marriage, do you really think this is the right relationship for you? I asked you if you were independent; do you believe in two years – if all were to work right with this man, you’ll find the happiness you are seeking?

Nessa: If you ask me to choose between a YES and No, and not stay in between, then the answer will be a No. For the happiness part, I am not so sure. He is a good man though, no doubt about that, but a woman can never get 100% of what she wants.

DBM: Deciding to have a baby is a huge step to take. Talking about it together as a team in a relationship is very important. When you’re considering getting pregnant, there are a number of things you should put into perspective… And this goes beyond just the baby stuff. To me, it’s more about figuring out how a baby will drastically change your lives, the relationship, and even your future plans as lovers. Is this a conversation you both have exhausted?

Nessa: We have not gone into the tiny details but we have discussed a few.

DBM: You are in a relationship with a lot of baggage. It’s good to know your significant other is a good guy. Remember, you are the only one who can pave your happiness. Take the time to reflect to determine if this relationship is right for you. Two years of waiting can turn into five years. Also, your timeline should not be influenced by a married man or people outside of your purpose in life.

Nessa: That’s the hard truth.

DBM: I might know a few people in a similar situation. My belief, however has always been, a child would give me and my partner an ongoing goal. Not having a child (for whatever reason) equally presents an opportunity for me and my partner to find a mutual goal or avenue to also bond the best way possible with time. Whichever dynamic would make sense to us will come with its own merits and demerits. Know and understand what would work best for you, and just honor that.

Nessa: I am seeing a different perspective to marriage and childbirth through our conversation. Truly happy I did this.

DBM: Participant 179, Ehab, left a question for you: ‘What are your thoughts on polyamory?’

Nessa: I wouldn’t suggest it to any couple. I have a few acquaintances who are involved in polyamory and they talk about it openly but it’s not my thing. I believe if you chose one person, be committed to him or her. Three or more becomes a crowd

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Nessa: Do you believe in spiritual marriage? The belief that some individuals have marital partners in the spirit world, which may present challenges when seeking earthly marriage partners.

DBM: Thank you.

Nessa: Thank you so much. This is the second time I have come to you and you have been so helpful.

DBM: I appreciate the time and chat. Make it your best day today

Image Credit: Elsimag

Let’s Talk To Ehab and Xyla

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 179: I will choose Ehab

Participant 179: Xyla

DBM: Hello Ehab and Xyla. How would you describe yourselves?

Ehab: Always trying to measure myself in order to improve.

Xyla: A wife willing to love sacrificially; willing to be humble in submitting to my husband’s leadership.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ehab: 7

Xyla: 7.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ehab: My wife and I have discussed extensively our need to be in a polyamorous relationship. We want to know how many of your followers practice this kind of relationship and how it’s working for them.

DBM: May I ask whose initial idea was this?

Ehab: It was a decision taken by the both of us

DBM: But who first proposed it?

Xyla: My husband first brought it for discussion.

DBM: Okay!

Ehab: It’s a form of consensual non-monogamy romantic partnership. No one will be doing anything in secret if that is what you’re concerned about.

DBM: I am not concerned. How long have you been married?

Xyla: 8 years, but known each other for 12

DBM: Is any of you already seeing someone secretly that you feel it’s time to introduce them to your partner?

Xyla: No!

Ehab: No!

DBM: So, why this sudden consideration?

Ehab: It’s not a sudden discussion. It’s a topic we had talked about prior to marriage. Every marriage as we know is different, and can be designed in any form that feels right to the parties involved.

DBM: True, but what is the basis of it? That’s what I am trying to understand

Xyla: I feel like I have given everything I thought would be sufficient to keep a man satisfied but I am realizing what he feels he needs from me is not enough.

Ehab: I also feel like I have deprived my wife of certain things that another man out there can pick up.

DBM: Is this going to be three people who are sexually or romantically involved with each other or four, where each has his or her own?

Ehab: We want to be exclusive with our options. Whoever I will be involved with wouldn’t share my wife. Vice versa.

DBM: You mentioned depriving your wife of certain things, what?

Ehab: My salary has not been able to afford her the kind of life I promised. Bills mounting up because I can’t keep up, especially with utilities, etc.

DBM: What kind of life was promised?

Xyla: Dave, the issue is I’m not even complaining but he feels he’s let me down

DBM: Has he let you down?

Xyla: Not at all. He’s very hardworking

Ehab: I feel like I’m disappointing her dreamed life

DBM: You heard her, she’s not disappointed

Ehab: But I am

DBM: So, keep your promises or don’t make any. You need to properly communicate with the one person you feel you’re letting down

Xyla: Hmmm!

DBM: Unless you are just not that much into building a true, intimate relationship with your partner?

Ehab: I am interested on every level

Xyla: I love my husband for richer or poorer. That was my vow to him.

DBM: One thing I have been very careful of in these past five years is not to project certain behaviors onto my partner to potentially suggest we do not belong together. If you love someone, and are genuinely that much into them, you understand and accept their honesty.

Xyla: Thank you!

Ehab: I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck for 10 years. I am not able to even save Ghs 500 a month. I feel like I am broke and I do not feel safe with the money and income that I make.

DBM: That is your truth, and your wife is saying she understands and accepts your situation.

Ehab: I am scared of disappointing my wife and failing my children

Xyla: You’re not disappointing me

DBM: What’s your current location?

Xyla: At work

Ehab: I am at the office

DBM: I may not know you, but I feel you’re an ambitious man. I can see it from the little you’ve shared.

Xyla: He is

DBM: There is no limit to what we can do as a people; however, assuming or listening to those negative voices from within can sway us from that potential. As a husband, you clearly want the best for your wife. As parents, you want the best for your children. But there are so many things also outside of your control.

Xyla: Dave, my husband’s major problem is he likes to compare himself to others

Ehab: Stop it!

Xyla: You do. He sees his friends on social media who have beautiful families and great jobs, nice homes or are taking enviable trips around the world, and suddenly would be moody – and looking at himself as falling short after comparing his life to theirs.

DBM: I am not surprised

Ehab: She’s lying

DBM: But on a serious note, people’s accomplishments or victories do not necessarily take anything away from you. It should not reflect on you either.

Xyla: He compares himself with every nice photo on Facebook and Instagram

Ehab: Esi, I don’t like what you’re doing. Please stop!

DBM: Do you know what I compare myself to? My past self, just to see how far I’ve come. If you’re ever going to compare, look back at you.

Xyla: We have come so far, David

DBM: I believe you. That is why you have to keep encouraging your husband to force himself to only see the good in all the moments; whether good or not-so-good. I strongly believe in toxic positivity, where we balance our time spent, acknowledging all the good.

Xyla: I am with you on this

DBM: We all feel like failures every now and then, but we choose not to wear it as a label on our forehead. Life happens! And it should not be a validation of who you are as a man, husband or father. Encourage yourself when you feel down. There is more to you.

Ehab: Thank you!

Xyla: Are we going to date other people?

Ehab: Do you still want us to do it?

Xyla: It was your idea, babe

Ehab: We can take it off the table for now

Xyla: I’m in agreement

Ehab: You did not like the idea all this while?

Xyla: I want you to be happy

DBM: You cannot want another person’s happiness more than your own. Most men know their significant others love them. Your husband knows you give him a lot of love – and he knows everything you are willing to do or sacrifice for him to eat his cake and still have it. I believe in a 50/50 relationship, where one person is not putting in all the effort to make the marriage work, simply because the other knows you love the idea of being married. You’re not giving your partner the chance to step up to do right by you, himself and the family at large. Do not encourage anyone to abuse that privilege. Protect your own purity and that of your husband’s

Xyla: Okay!

DBM: Do not settle for less than what GOD inspired in you to go for. If he chooses to mess around, know that there are men out there who model these very things you hold dear. Be attracted to what speaks sense to your heart.

Ehab: Boss, it’s okay! Stop putting ideas in my wife’s head

DBM: Participant 178, Wacian, left a question for you, ‘Do you believe in luck?’

Xyla: I believe I can change my luck by creating new thoughts and behavior.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ehab: What are your thoughts on polyamory? 

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: West Osee

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