Let’s Talk To Shalom

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 175: I am Shalom

DBM: Hello Shalom. How would you describe yourself?

Shalom: A man who loves to take himself off on a little sexual odyssey. I give my body the fun it deserves and nothing is suppressed.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Shalom: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Shalom: My wife found disturbing videos on my phone and I am not sure what she’s going to do with what she knows

DBM: How disturbing are the videos?

Shalom: Porn

DBM: She will get over it

Shalom: Gay porn

DBM: Are you gay?

Shalom: No!

DBM: So, why that kind of material?

Shalom: I was just curious

DBM: Tell her that

Shalom: She wouldn’t believe me

DBM: Why not?

Shalom: She read my conversations with a few guys

DBM: Friends?

Shalom: Kind-of

DBM: Okay?

Shalom: Friends with benefits

DBM: Sexual benefits?

Shalom: Yeah

DBM: How long have you been doing this?

Shalom: A while

DBM: Put a number to the ‘while’

Shalom: Nine to 10 years, maybe

DBM: How long have you been married?

Shalom: I cannot say

DBM: Why not?

Shalom: I’m just being careful with what I say. My wife or her friends may chance on this, and can put two-and-two together

DBM: Do you use protection when having sexual intercourse with men?

Shalom: Sometimes

DBM: How often is ‘sometimes?’

Shalom: Not that often

DBM: How many men have you slept with this year?

Shalom: About 6 or 7

DBM: Random people or these are guys you know?

Shalom: I know three. The rest are just hookups here and there

DBM: How many women, aside your wife, have you slept with this year?

Shalom: My wife is the only woman I sleep with

DBM: A straight guy, sleeping with just his wife but has been with 6 to 7 men this year? How fascinating do you think this is?

Shalom: I crave to be with men sometimes, but it doesn’t make me gay

DBM: You really want to know what I’m thinking?

Shalom: Yeah!

DBM: You have intentionally stolen the life your wife could have had with a straight man who would love on only her.

Shalom: I understand what you’re saying, but I really love my wife. The guys I meet are all straight. They’re married with families too. It doesn’t make us gay

DBM: If you say so

Shalom: Gays develop emotional attachments with the same sex. We’re just interested in the sex and physical contact. Nothing more

DBM: One of my high-school mates, Julian, always claims, he is not a crack addict, even though he smokes crack almost every day, and cannot function without it.

Shalom: It’s not the same

DBM: How about this, ‘I am not a surgeon but I have performed 6 to 7 surgeries this year”

Shalom: I am a straight man, married to the woman of my life. What you’re also not understanding is that, women generally, are for stability. Men are for sex

DBM: You’re not being fair to your wife. You’re not being honest with yourself

Shalom: I take very good care of my wife

DBM: Then why are you bothered she’s figured you out?

Shalom: I need someone to talk to

DBM: Talk to your wife. She’s the best person to reason with

Shalom: She will not understand me

DBM: I do not understand you either. You’ve eaten a whole lot of meat this year alone, yet you think yourself to be vegetarian?

Shalom: Why do you want me to accept something I am telling you I am not?

DBM: I am not forcing you to accept anything. I’m just drawing your attention to the fact that; you are an intricate tapestry woven from the threads of denial and love. And I feel awful for your wife. Any wife would feel disgusted and devastated by their husbands doing this

Shalom: Even though I am doing everything a man has to do to keep his wife and children happy?

DBM: What you are doing is extremely selfish

Shalom: I know

DBM: And dangerous

Shalom: I am not harming anyone

DBM: Are you getting tested?

Shalom: Of what?

DBM: STI’s

Shalom: I’m good

DBM: Being single is equally a good option. You know that, no?

Shalom: I want to stay married

DBM: Good for you

Shalom: How do I go about my situation?

DBM: Sincerity is best served with the truth. Tell your wife the truth. This also means you take her feelings seriously

Shalom: I can’t tell her the whole truth

DBM: Why not?

Shalom: I just can’t

DBM: Again, you’re solely responsible for your behavior, and the fact that you’re choosing to downplay the situation at hand – says it all.

Shalom: Do you believe she can forgive me?

DBM: The pain experienced when hurt by our loved ones take time to heal.

Shalom: Hmm!

DBM: Also, since it’s just ‘sex’ that you guys are into, know that your sexual partners have sexual partners, who also have their own sets of sexual partners. The circle keeps drawing till one of you infects the circle with a deadly disease.

Shalom: I regret that she had to find out this way

DBM: It may take her time to wrap her head around this. Everyone heals at their own pace

Shalom: Thanks for your time

DBM: Participant 174, AJ, left a question for you: ‘Who benefits in marriage the most… men or women?’

Shalom: I believe marriage just shows up for men while women are conditioned from a very young age to aspire to get married and have children. A woman will always be an available commodity a man can easily find when he is ready to settle down.

DBM: So, who benefits the most?

Shalom: The man. The game is fixed in our favor, no matter what

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Shalom: What makes you scream and cum, melting you into a puddle of nothingness?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Daniel Torobekov

Let’s Talk To AJ

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 174: AJ

DBM: Hi AJ. How would you describe yourself?

AJ: Very hard working and believe in the traditional family system. Very calm and difficult to be angered.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

AJ: 9. I would have said 10 but I don’t want to get too complacent with life

DBM: 😊 I see. What do you want to talk about?

AJ: I have a lot to talk about but I’m not sure a single chat would do justice. I feel the new generation’s view about marriage is being tainted hence blocking the blessings God can bestow on them through good marriage. This I think is because of the magnification of unsuccessful unions while keeping successful ones obscure. Hence promoting lack of trust and selfishness in marriage. I just want someone to know that good marriage ls exist.

DBM: I believe good marriages do exist too. How long have you been married?

AJ: Known my wife for 14 years married for 10

DBM: Oh nice! What really is your view on marriage?

AJ: I believe in what we term traditional marriage. I believe men and women are not the same but have their own unique powers to support each other. And once they all play their God given role diligently, that’s where God releases his unimaginable blessings on them. And it will be like a miracle.

DBM: In your opinion, what is a man’s unique power – in relation to supporting his partner?

AJ: In my humble opinion, men were given testosterone (the stronger hormone if I’m right) for a reason. To fight, to provide and protect the wife. I feel a husband shouldn’t care what a woman brings to the table FINANCIALLY. Any man who sees that it’s his duty to provide for his family will never lack ideas to make provision. Such men possess the abundance mindset.

DBM: Hmmm! Can you build on the abundance mindset?

AJ: The ability to always find means to provide for the family. Industrious. Not scared of getting his hands dirty as long as it brings a kill for the woman to turn into a meal

DBM: Okay!

AJ: For example, I am in an industry where I’m sent away to work abroad a lot. So, my wife working was a no-no! Now, it would have been easy for my wife to decline staying at home and looking after our kids, but she trusted me to go and fight for both of us. And I, in turn assured her that whatever I get is registered in both of our names. And through this mutual trust, I’ve managed to progress in my career and built wealth for the both of us. I can say my stay-at-home wife is worth more than half of the career wives. All because of building mutual trust and playing our God-given roles in our union.

DBM: What is a wife’s unique power to support her partner?

AJ: The wife possess estrogen. To love and to nurture. My wonderful wife has got this magic to make our home warm and lovely. One time, our baby boy was restless and it had passed his sleep time. I had tried everything to get him to rest but couldn’t. My half-asleep wife just went give him a pack of biscuit and water. And voilà, the boy was asleep halfway into the biscuit. There are more instances at home that I was clueless and she came to the rescue. Another one is her prayers. A man supports a woman physically and a woman supports a man spiritually.

Her love: I mostly come home a broken man. And a warm hug from my wife would be all that is needed to get me patched up and ready to go again the next day. It’s frustrating to say the least, that all these are being undermined by men of today – all because it’s not linked directly with finances. But spiritually it provokes the creation of wealth.

DBM: These are interesting examples. Thanks for sharing. So, you feel a wife’s duty, to some extent is to accompany her husband to achieve his dreams so he can support her and the future of their marriage?

AJ: It was made that way. I understand there will be instances where it will probably be prudent for the man to stay at home which is fine. But the man in my opinion will not be able to do it as good as the woman; and vice versa. This is where trust comes in. Both parties will need to put themselves on the side for the betterment of the union. My wife had trust issues when we started. But I allowed her to heal by being transparent with my finances. I told her whatever little she made can be kept but I will provide for both of us and I did. Now, she supports so much that I know my kids and my home are in good hands when on the road.

Most of my colleagues whose partners declined to support at home struggles financially due to lack of progress in their career; and not really peaceful at home as well. I feel it’s better if both can play this God given role. That’s my opinion.

DBM: Very well noted!

AJ: Look at it this way Dave, most men go behind their career women to cheat with women that have time for them. Why don’t they ask what those women bring to the table? I feel men want a woman that will give them the love whenever they need it. I may be wrong though.

DBM: I am glad you have it all figured out at home. Are you cheating or have you ever cheated on your wife since you got married?

AJ: Thanks for asking this question. I’ve never and as far as I know I’ve not been cheated on. Faithfulness in marriage is the final catalyst to this blessing I’m banging on about. The moment one of us cheat in the union, it affects the trust and shakes the balance of this success. Have I ever thought of doing it, YES. But I’ve got a lot to lose if I do. I want to encourage our generation to stop wasting money on short-term pleasure that will end up blocking our long-term success.

DBM: Interesting

AJ: On second thought, I did cheat the first year as her boyfriend. This was during our dating phase. I was trying to cut ties with someone I was casually seeing. That stage taught me a lot of lessons. I lost money, trust for my then new girlfriend and nearly lost my job. I have never cheated after that and since marriage.

DBM: Good to know!

AJ: I just want to say marriage, when done to the best of our abilities, as in being selfless and transparent always, will lead to a happy life. I’ve witnessed it and I’ve experienced it. Both parties just need to make promoting trust their outmost mission and they will thank me later.

DBM: Something I’ve realized is, a lot of guys go into marriage with their lives well planned out. But then, life happens and everything is kinda, interrupted. This, suddenly takes a toll on the relationship. What is a man supposed to do when he loses that dream job or the marriage itself isn’t everything he hoped for?

AJ: Firstly, you have to have emotional intelligence before getting into marriage. Don’t go into marriage because of looks and love. Ask yourself a lot of questions that has nothing to do with ‘love’ before entering into marriage. Don’t be an idealist; be a realist. Can you believe I looked at my girlfriend’s (now my wife) mum and grandmother just to ask myself if I would still find her attractive when she ended up looking like them?

You have to convince yourself that once you go in you are in. DON’T IGNORE the slightest red flag. Now when you go in make sure you don’t quit. The difference between success and failure is quitting. Unless your life is in danger. For the road to success is never straightforward, including marriage. We’ve been through a lot as a family. We’ve lost kids and money. Third parties have come in to shake the foundation but focusing on my wife alone even has helped increase my love and lust for her. The moment you start dividing or diverting your attention, you divide or divert your feelings for each other. Which will make you feel you are not meant for each other. Just keep focusing on each other.

DBM: What’s your take on doing everything together as a married unit and one’s need for their ‘me-time’?

AJ: I feel good partners work and play together. It increases the bond and the sense of achievement of goals. Like seeing each other as your ride-or-die. However, it’s always good to allow your partner to explore the world without you as well. It conditions them to both cultivate the skill of surviving without you, and also appreciate life with you. I’d push my wife to go out with responsible friends knowing she will be having fun; and also increase my yearn for her as I realize how much I miss her when she’s away. We just have to maintain the balance.

DBM: What does a successful marriage look like to you?

AJ: Where both partners do not regret meeting each other. As long as each party is getting what they perceive as ‘happiness’ from the union. Now we should also note that life is not all about happiness. So, in our quest for happiness, we need to also exercise a sense of contentment and not to push the goal post of happiness further and further. You end up chasing your tail.

DBM: What’s your take on open-marriages?

AJ: One of my prides being with my partner as a man is having sole access to my wife’s body and her God-given powers. And I believe if that’s the case for me, so it will be with my wife. No one can serve two masters without loving one more than the other. It always shakes the foundations of trust in the marriage. It always ends in jealousy and resentment.

DBM: By the time a man or woman gets serious to the stage of signing a marriage certificate, they’re of the opinion that they know everything there is to know about each other. Can one truly know someone enough?

AJ: One can never know their partners enough; not even during the marriage. But one should make it a point to know what their partner stands for and where they want to be in life; and make sure it aligns with theirs. One should also prevent themselves from the element of shock by expecting the worst from their partners, and formulate a plan on how they would deal with that situation. That doesn’t mean being sneaky and hiding things behind each other’s back. That’s why I say, ask yourself a lot of questions before marriage. What if this happens and what if that happens! I believe it’s easy to forgive or deal with a situation when the surprise element is less. For example, I’m happy to share my properties with my wife if she wakes up one day and all of a sudden makes a U-turn on our marriage. Because I’ve played it out in my head so many times. Hope for the best and expect the worst in every situation.

DBM: In the case where one is stubborn, and the other doesn’t seem to compromise; or simply concerned about the other’s actions when there is a disagreement – to the extent that they hardly would even mention what truly upsets them, and would rather choose to run away from the thought of a fight?

AJ: It takes two committed partners to get the best out of marriage. It’s always a shame if one partner has different goals. Don’t ever stop a partner that want to leave but be the partner that wants to stay and work through your imperfections.

DBM: Participant 173, Arrow, left a question for you: ‘What is your most treasured memory?’

AJ: Sounds cheesy, but the first day I gathered the courage to propose to this cool girl now my wife, to be my girlfriend. The whole weekend and what has come of it 14 years later. We both talk about it all the time

DBM: 😊 It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

AJ: Who benefits in marriage the most…men or women?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: El Gringo

Let’s Talk To Arrow

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 173:  Arrow

DBM: Hello Arrow. How would you describe yourself?

Arrow: I embrace my funky; I do not follow trends slavishly. I love to dance and have fun

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Arrow: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Arrow: Something is not quite right regarding how my brother-in-law treats me.

DBM: How does he treat you?

Arrow: With disrespect. He is mean to me. He bullies and looks down on me.

DBM: Why do you allow your husband’s brother to disrespect you?

Arrow: I don’t allow it.

DBM: But he does it anyways?

Arrow: Yes

DBM: You have a right to be respected; you know that, no?

Arrow: I do

DBM: Have you informed your husband?

Arrow: I have

DBM: And?

Arrow: He says I should ignore him

DBM: So, he knows his brother treats you this way?

Arrow: He hasn’t witnessed it.

DBM: Do you live together with your husband?

Arrow: No. But we are in the process to be together.

DBM: Where is he?

Arrow: He works in Accra

DBM: Where do you live?

Arrow: Takoradi

DBM: With his brother?

Arrow: His brother’s house is directly opposite ours

DBM: You live in a compound or family house?

Arrow: No! Their father built four-bedroom houses for each of his three children on one land.

DBM: Oh, okay! So, you live in your husband’s house?

Arrow: I do.

DBM: Understood! How does your husband treat you?

Arrow: With respect and love

DBM: He’s nothing like his brother then?

Arrow: Nothing like him

DBM: Why do you think your brother-in-law doesn’t like you?

Arrow: I used to lap dance in a night club. My brother-in-law used to frequent the club and would pay specifically for the pretty dancers to gyrate in front of him. One of the dancers he attempted to force himself on drew our attention to his behavior. And so, all the girls made it a point to intentionally ignore him. I used to decline his requests for a private dance.

DBM: I have never been to a strip club before. Are clients allowed to touch?

Arrow: It depends on the dancer and her boundaries

DBM: What were yours?

Arrow: It really depends on the client paying for my services. If he is kind and attractive, I may allow touch, lick, kiss, etc.

DBM: What is etc.?

Arrow: Some got to experience me dry riding on them

DBM: So, you do more than just standing in front of a man to dance

Arrow: Something like that

DBM: Do you still offer such services?

Arrow: No! I am a housewife now

DBM: Would you classify your past job as prostitution?

Arrow: No

DBM: An escort?

Arrow: Depended on who needed my companionship for specific hours

DBM: I see

Arrow: But I am no hoe

DBM: I hear you. Did it pay?

Arrow: Lap dancing?

DBM: Yeah!

Arrow: Yeah! I could make over Ghs 1000 a night

DBM: How did you meet your husband?

Arrow: I went shopping at the Anaji Choice Mart, and he was buying groceries with a lady I later found out was his sister-in-law. I noticed a sharp rise in his eyebrows and interpreted it as a sign of him being happy to see me, and so, I smiled at him. Our eyes and body language spoke louder than words. His sister-in-law caught on so fast, she walked towards me to inform me that he was single. She introduced him to me and that’s how we started talking, and later, exchanged phone numbers. We got to the carpark and his sister-in-law had already briefed her husband, who was in the car waiting to see us together. Such a small world, huh?

DBM: Was your brother-in-law in shock?

Arrow: He wasn’t initially, but he had a frown on his face. The shock popped up when his wife asked for my phone number to keep in touch.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Arrow: A year and a half.

DBM: How long has your brother-in-law been married?

Arrow: Nine years

DBM: Most people are in need of applause so bad they would do any and everything to be relevant in your perception of them; including speaking against their own character-flaw – which they think they see in you. To the extent of pretending they do not know who they’re acting against. Thank goodness there is a mirror they will stare themselves at every now and then.

Arrow: Hypocrites

DBM: That is why I will never force myself to make decisions I am uncomfortable with. Some people thrive in talking at you, laughing, ridiculing at or bullying people; they delight in talking about you behind your back, lying, exaggerating and would even intentionally ignore your boundaries – just to disrespect you. Those are the classic insecure, childish pretenders.

Arrow: That is a correct description of my brother-in-law right there

DBM: And it only gets worse, unfortunately

Arrow: Dave, I don’t think I am even doing anything, directly or indirectly to trigger his bad behavior towards me.

DBM: He’s not a decent human being at heart. Ill-mannered brewing

Arrow: Sometimes, I feel like telling his wife about what I know

DBM: She doesn’t know?

Arrow: I haven’t told her anything

DBM: I see. Does your husband know about your past?

Arrow: He does

DBM: And?

Arrow: He says it’s my past, and has nothing to do with him. Honestly Dave, I do not regret the fun I had when I was single and dancing and earning from it. I’ve never had sleepless nights about it, to the extent of worrying that – it dictates my present status as a married woman.

DBM: Good for you! Keep keeping yourself active and just enjoy the current moment you’re living. It adds color to your life.

Arrow: Yes sir

DBM: So, what experience from your past is positively influencing your present?

Arrow: Oh! Lol! I often lap dance for my husband, and he loves it so much. He’s always in a hurry to rush to Taadi to sit in his favorite chair in our bedroom, rock hard for an hour or two, just to watch me shake what my momma gave me on him.

DBM: Smh! Participant 172, Air, left a question for you: ‘Would you take your mother’s property if you were in my shoes?’

Arrow: 2024, fortunately is my year to go and possess my promises. I would have taken what was rightfully mine. A lot of people have imprisoned themselves in the lands of their promises. They are held back and captive due to fear, shame, limitations and accusations of all sorts. I will not stand in my promised land, yet not be able to enjoy it.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Arrow: What is your most treasured memory?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Arianna Jade’

Let’s Talk To Gyasi

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 172:  My name is Gyasi

DBM: Hi Gyasi. How would you describe yourself?

Gyasi: Hardworking man, willing to get his hands dirty so his wife can keep her little manicured nails all fresh and pretty.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Gyasi: Six

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Gyasi: My mother developed memory issues seven years ago, and she was in her early 50’s. She lived with me for five years. I have to admit though, that living with a woman in her condition was brutal. It gravely impacted my marriage, work and finances. It burned me out, I couldn’t hold out

DBM: How is mom doing now?

Gyasi: She’s dead

DBM: Would you like to talk about it?

Gyasi: Not at the moment

DBM: Okay! But how are you doing?

Gyasi: I am fine

DBM: I empathize with your loss

Gyasi: Thank you, David. The reason why I booked your time to chat is because, I believe my mother was duped by a renown so-called ‘prophet’ in Accra. My mum owned a few properties that I had no idea of. I only found out recently about some of them from her documentation and note book – after her burial.

DBM: I see

Gyasi: I don’t remember what the occasion was, but I called her in February, 2018, and she was about to go out. I could hear a man’s voice in the background, he was also on phone, talking to someone. Because he didn’t sound like my dad, I asked her who he was and she mentioned the prophet’s name. I am not a fan of this guy because I strongly believe he is a false prophet, and many people think that of him too.

DBM: Where is your father?

Gyasi: He is fine. He’s married and living his life

DBM: Was he married to your mother when she was ill?

Gyasi: They were almost divorced. They encountered their bumps along the way, but unfortunately, my mother couldn’t work on their issues and was considering the possibility of a divorce. My dad got home from work and my mother had left a note for him. Basically, she was going on a solo trip outside of Ghana, and was not sure when she was returning. She had quit her job, cleared half of their savings and had switched her phones off. All this happened a day after my call to mother.

DBM: Interesting

Gyasi: Yes. It was a Thursday. On Sunday, 11th of February, 2018, I googled to read about the prophet and found the location to his church. I visited his church premises to join his morning service, and it was announced that his absence was due to a preaching assignment abroad.

DBM: What made you google him?

Gyasi: He was at my mother’s house on the 7th of February, 2018; it could only mean they were friends because she had deeper pockets. I hate it when people claiming to be Christians pretend to be your friend only because of your economic status.

DBM: It’s rather unfortunate but I have come to realize that, many Christians cannot be their true, authentic selves. Nothing they intend doing is truly selfless. And it’s kinda, expected of them to rid themselves of certain lifestyles that aren’t compatible with Christianity, if they’re to be seen as ‘good Christians’. In their minds, they would benefit greatly by getting good with GOD. So, the majority would rather prefer wearing a mask to hide who they really are, killing the whole spirit of it.

Gyasi: Hmmm!

DBM: GOD will not come down to strike the hell outta them, so they get away with putting a show for Daddy GOD, instead of actually relating with and doing right by the very people right in front of them.

Gyasi: Very sad.

DBM: Extremely

Gyasi: I did not hear from my mother for two months. When I heard news about her, she had been hospitalized, and that was the beginning of my woes.

DBM: I am sorry about that

Gyasi: Yeah! I was going through my mother’s documents and personal journals and I came across records of a property she had given to the prophet to reside. Her notes didn’t say anything about gifting, renting or selling the 5-bedroom house to him. What she wrote was, ‘I was touched to bless the man of God, Prophet … with’ the said property.

DBM: Who has the original copy of the property deed?

Gyasi: I do. I found it in my mother’s documents. The prophet has a photocopy of the same deed.

DBM: Has he a copy of a purchase document?

Gyasi: No!

DBM: How about a copy of mortgage payment records?

Gyasi: He has nothing like that

DBM: An affidavit of ownership?

Gyasi: He doesn’t have

DBM: Sales agreements of any sort?

Gyasi: No

DBM: The utility bills are in whose name?

Gyasi: My mother

DBM: Property tax receipts?

Gyasi: In my mother’s name

DBM: It’s your mother’s house

Gyasi: I know, but he’s refusing to evict.

DBM: You’re kicking him out?

Gyasi: Sharpest!

DBM: Why?

Gyasi: He’s a crook. He has a video of my mother asking him to move in to the property because she felt led to do that for him and his wife and children. That is his claim of evidence to owning the house.

DBM: Do you need that house so badly?

Gyasi: No. My mother left me with a lot of money and properties

DBM: So, what’s the urgent need behind the deed?

Gyasi: I’m just claiming what is my inheritance

DBM: I find it to be a bit tacky, if it was a gift your mother, out of a clear conscience, gave him.

Gyasi: I want it back

DBM: Your mother gave this gift because she wanted to, not to use as leverage or be petty about it. I feel like you should let him keep it – as long as he wants to. You still own the property, regardless.

Gyasi: He’s not being humble about it. That’s what is pissing me off.

DBM: Just make sure you’re not allowing your possessions to possess you.

Gyasi: I am not.

DBM: How old are you?

Gyasi: I will be 26 this year

DBM: How long have you been married?

Gyasi: 2 years

DBM: Who informed you about your mother’s hospital admission?

Gyasi: My dad

DBM: Who informed your father?

Gyasi: The prophet. He called my dad

DBM: Who took your mother to the hospital?

Gyasi: The prophet, his wife and two of his elders

DBM: I see! Participant 171, Air, left a question for you: ‘Is a good man or woman the right man or woman for you?’

Gyasi: My wife is the right woman for me because she’s my best friend and teammate. I support her and she does same for me. I can envision myself being with her for the rest of my life. We’ve been this close since our first year at Cape Vars. She was my study partner. She came into this marriage loving and accepting everything about me; even the things I sometimes do that aren’t my finest qualities. I was good to many ladies on campus, but I wasn’t the right guy for them. Something about my wife and our relationship as a whole feel different and important to us. I can trust my gut instincts when it comes to her being the right woman for me.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Gyasi: Would you take your mother’s property if you were in my shoes?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Lina Kivaka

Let’s Talk To Air

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 171:  Air

DBM: Hello Air. How would you describe yourself?

Air: I keep an eye on everything

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Air: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Air: Marriage

DBM: What about it?

Air: The fear of it. I don’t know if I ever want to get married.

DBM: That is also okay.

Air: I don’t think you’re understanding me. I want to get married, but I am scared.

DBM: Why does it scare you?

Air: So many of my friends and friends of my parents and siblings are getting divorced. Stories on social media are no different. Married men and women are having affairs; married men are making passes at my girlfriend, etc. It’s a whole lot.

DBM: How long have you dated your lady?

Air: 5 years. We describe our relationship as a domestic partnership. We also own a few businesses together.

DBM: Is marriage on any of your to-do lists?

Air: It was on mine

DBM: How about hers?

Air: She’s not obsessed about it. If it happens, she’d be fine; if it doesn’t, she’d be fine.

DBM: I am a respecter of people’s personal choice of partnership. You do you, so far as it is working for you.

Air: Yeah… Marriage is just a piece of paper, I guess?

DBM: Marriage is more than a piece of paper.

Air: Enlighten me

DBM: Well, you go from saying, ‘my girlfriend’ to ‘my wife’

Air: Lol! What else?

DBM: Your woman changing her last name to yours holds so much weight.

Air: Arrh, Dave! I want the heavy weight in its relevance.

DBM: Marriage does change things in your relationship, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you.

Air: How does it affect the dynamics of a relationship – is my question

DBM: Let me use my own experience: the love we share in our day-to-day is still the same after settling down; we live the same individual lives, and our relationship and commitment is just as it was. Nothing significant really has changed, we’re just married.

Air: So, there is nothing special to it then?

DBM: The bond we shared still is there between us, only, it became a sort of ‘certified’ or ‘final’ kind of feeling when we made the decision to get married.

Air: I get that part

DBM: What do you want in a relationship?

Air: A lot, and marriage is part of the lot.

DBM: So, marriage is one the end goals?

Air: Yes

DBM: Just marriage?

Air: What do you mean?

DBM: What type of marriage?

Air: The kind we both would be willing to go whatever length to fight to keep it alive should there be obstacles

DBM: How do you qualify such a big deal with just a piece of paper?

Air: I understand your point. I guess what I am struggling with is the importance of a public declaration of love for my woman and the recitation of vows.

DBM: I don’t view it necessarily as a publicity stunts, but rather taking a more legal official stance.

Air: Bringing us back to the certificate: a piece of paper

DBM: That piece of paper catapults your love and relationship to a whole new next level things.

Air: Like?

DBM: How old are you again?

Air: 36

DBM: Let’s assume you’re hit by a car after your wedding and hospitalized, that piece of paper gives your lady the spousal rights to love on you in a way that determines whether or not the hospital pulls the plug on you to either live or die. That piece of paper permits any of you to make all sorts of medical decisions on the other’s behalf, not a mother or father, but YOU.

Air: I get it

DBM: Your wife automatically gets whatever marriage benefits is due her, just because of that piece of paper. And so do you. No family member can kick your children out or claim your matrimonial home and house or businesses as theirs should any of you die. That piece of paper ensures whatever you both have left, in case of death, goes to the other partner first.

Air: Even when there is no will?

DBM: Especially when there is no will. You both have pension?

Air: We do

DBM: Assets?

Air: Yes

DBM: Bank accounts?

Air: Lol! Of course,

DBM: That piece of paper is basically your way of taking very good care of each other – should one of you choose to die.

Air: I am scared of disappointing her later in future. That’s my other headache.

DBM: Disappointing her in what sense?

Air: Cheating on her, etc.

DBM: Have you cheated on her since you started dating?

Air: Not yet

DBM: Do you have any plans to?

Air: Not that I know of

DBM: Most guys, unfortunately just want to get married. It’s only a decent and serious few who genuinely want to be married. Being intentional about staying married and giving it your 100% is worth more weight than just being married.

Air: I want to get married

DBM: Why do you really want to get married?

Air: I don’t know if it’s a good reason

DBM: I’m still interested in knowing.

Air: I can’t imagine spending a single day without her in my life

DBM: That is a good enough reason.

Air: She makes me very happy Dave, and I love her dearly. She’s my all-time best friend.

DBM: Imagine becoming your all-time best friend’s husband?

Air: Lol!

DBM: You like the sound of that?

Air: Yes. My girlfriend has friends who have issues with submission and obedience. They don’t believe a woman should be cooking and cleaning in a relationship.

DBM: A man should know how to cook and clean after himself. It’s no woman’s responsibility to be doing that for you.

Air: Hmmm! My girlfriend does it though

DBM: It’s always in one’s choice. It’s not torture. It’s also not her duty and, or responsibility towards you.

Air: Okay!

DBM: But I see the act of service as a type of love. Cooking for your husband or wife is a display of love. When you make sure your partner is well fed, well taken care of, you are simply expressing the magnitude of your love for them. It’s a show of gratitude for their daily sacrifice and intention to keep the home afloat. I cook whenever I have the time or in the mood to. It’s all about teamwork.

Air: Okay! Thank you, Mr. Dave. I had fun talking to you.

DBM: Likewise.

Air: Last question, what if I do not want a wedding?

DBM: What does she want?

Air: I don’t know. She’s never been the wedding type.

DBM: Marriage is a personal journey for me. My decision to do forever with my partner has absolutely nothing to do with the opinions of friends or family. I don’t care about what anyone thinks. All I want to be assured of is that, I have made the best decision for myself and hopefully, for my partner. No one should tell you or have a strong say in how your marriage should look like.

Air: For the first time, I think I like you. Lol! I always thought you’re biased and have been siding with the ladies

DBM: You’re still not getting my point: I don’t really care what you think of me. You don’t know me, I don’t know you, and it’s going to stay that way.

Air: Lol!

DBM: You can do court or even get married in yours or her pastor’s office in the church premises. The ceremony doesn’t have to be elaborate. The important thing is, you want to be together by hook or crook

Air: Okay!

DBM: How you start on a journey isn’t always going to be how you will finish.

Air: I agree

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Air: Is a good man or woman the right man or woman for you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Jonathan Borba

Let’s Talk To Egypt

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 170:  Egypt

DBM: Hi Egypt. How would you describe yourself?

Egypt: Pretty much messed up

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Egypt: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Egypt: I knew my marriage wasn’t going to work out long-term on my wedding day, but I couldn’t let go at that time.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Egypt: Six years

DBM: And how have you been managing thus far?

Egypt: Good question, Dave. I don’t know

DBM: Okay!

Egypt: Tears have started flowing already

DBM: Why?

Egypt: I feel guilty for wasting my wife’s time

DBM: Does she know how you’re feeling about everything?

Egypt: Not yet

DBM: How old are you?

Egypt: In my late 30’s

DBM: What prompted that conclusion on your wedding day?

Egypt: My wife is a catch; everything nice and sweet. She looked absolutely stunning in her wedding dress but for some reason I was still unfulfilled with my decision to settle down in a marriage

DBM: ‘Settle down in a marriage’ with her or the whole idea of marriage?

Egypt: With her

DBM: In other words, marriage is something you want?

Egypt: Yes

DBM: But not with your wife?

Egypt: Yes

DBM: How would you describe the current state of your marriage?

Egypt: I have taken time to fall out and I am currently falling apart. My marriage has been a mistake from the very beginning.

DBM: Whose mistake?

Egypt: Mine, and I take full responsibility for it

DBM: Did you ever love her?

Egypt: I did

DBM: Were you ever in love with her?

Egypt: I think so

DBM: Okay!

Egypt: My dad is suggesting I manage the situation just as it is and find solutions outside marriage

DBM: What are some of the proposed solutions?

Egypt: Finding another woman

DBM: Is it a solution he’s tried or tested?

Egypt: Yes. I am as a result of his relationship with my mother, who was his true love.

DBM: Your mother was his wife?

Egypt: No! He’s still married to his wife. My mother was the other woman he spent most of his time with. She was his person

DBM: Who is your person?

Egypt: Not found her yet

DBM: What was your decision to marry based on?

Egypt: We had been close friends and together for years; I loved her personality and character. She is beautiful and has been an excellent mother to our children. I knew she would be a great mother. I also felt the pressure to get engaged because everyone believed we’d make a good couple.

DBM: I see

Egypt: I haven’t cheated on her since we married but she found out a few days to our wedding that I had been cheating on her, and she still went through with the marriage because it felt too last minute to call it all off

DBM: How did she find out?

Egypt: One of her friends caught me with the other girl

DBM: Were you concerned that you had been caught?

Egypt: No. I was rather counting on her to cancel the wedding

DBM: Ha!

Egypt: Yeah! And I think she’s been trying everything to prove to me that she can be a great choice

DBM: When you find yourself trying to prove your worth, you have forgotten your value.

Egypt: That’s true. Do you think I’m being over the top?

DBM: Not really. But I am old school. My belief is that – when I make a commitment, I should be able to stick to it.

Egypt: Even when it no longer serves you?

DBM: It will not serve me if I no longer have trust in and for you. It will not serve me if there no longer is friendship between us. It will not serve me if there is no mutual respect

Egypt: What advice would you have given me six years ago, if I had come to you before getting married?

DBM: I listen to my instincts a lot, and I am always keeping my eyes open – when it comes to those around me and the people I care about. If something doesn’t feel right, then something certainly isn’t right. And I usually would want to make it right before making the decision to or not to get married.

Egypt: Easily said than done

DBM: On the contrary. Being genuinely committed to someone helps you to survive the inevitable bumps in the road that you’d encounter. Unfortunately, you’re not that much into your wife and that is why you do not see the need to want to commit to her and the marriage.

Egypt: Some things can be one sided and still be managed well, or?

DBM: Of course. I love ice cream. I hardly would share my cone with anyone. I don’t share my personal diary with people to read. These things can be one-sided. I am yet to find reason as to why one would fool themselves into believing – a healthy marriage can be one-sided and okay.

Egypt: Do you think there could be, at least, hope to salvage mine?

DBM: If I want something that bad enough, I take the necessary steps to make it work best for my good. It takes intentional work and planning. Simply desiring to have a good marriage doesn’t make it happen. What serious thoughts have you put into being a great husband, father and an overall, decent man?

Egypt: The desire to be is there

DBM: And, what are you prepared to do to make it happen?

Egypt: Hmmm!

DBM: What are you willing to sacrifice to make a healthy home? Because wanting marriage and getting it are not related – if you genuinely do not want your wife badly enough to create this kind of life with.

Egypt: I need time to think about everything

DBM: Marriage can be a good thing if you want it badly enough to sacrifice your best of self to achieve the out-of-the-ordinary experience

Egypt: I agree

DBM:  Participant 169, Atɛ, left a question for you: What does friendship mean to you?

Egypt: Openness to the other’s perspectives and being there for them the best way possible

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Egypt: I have no question

DBM: Okay! Thank you!

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To Atɛ and Aku

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 169a:  I’m doing this with my wife. My name is Atɛ

Participant 169b: Aku

DBM: Hello Atɛ and Aku. How would you describe yourselves?

Atɛ: I am the custodian of a valuable gift called Aku. I cherish my gift, and I am willing to suffer well with her. I am a father of three, an engineer by profession and very friendly.

Aku: Entrepreneur, mother and wife

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Atɛ: 8/10

Aku: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Atɛ: Sweetie, would you want to speak first?

Aku: It has taken me 17 years to finally realize I was raped by one of my husband’s best friends. He was also one of his groom’s men at our wedding. I thought he looked familiar when he showed up at our wedding rehearsal. I couldn’t sleep that Friday evening because I felt I knew him from somewhere, and needed to remember exactly where. I asked my husband for his full name, searched for him on Facebook and LinkedIn, before putting two-and-two together. In one of his old photographs on Facebook, he had his afro hair. The guy who forced himself on me in the university had an afro, and it was him.

DBM: How did it happen?

Aku: It was my first year at school. I was out partying with friends. He approached to talk to me, and then later ordered us a drink. We left the party grounds early because he wanted to spend more time talking and knowing me. We got to his hostel; he offered me another drink – which I believe was drugged. I woke up naked at dawn, lying next to his naked body. I didn’t consent to sex.

DBM: Had you had too much alcohol to drink?

Aku: No. The drink was spiked

DBM: What did you do next, after realizing what might have happened?

Aku: I got dressed and left to my hostel. I was very ashamed, I decided it was something to be kept a secret. But I later found out I was pregnant.

DBM: Was he the only guy you had been with during that time frame?

Aku: I hadn’t had sex with a guy prior to that night. I have a 16, almost 17-year-old son.

DBM: Does your son know who his father is?

Aku: No!

Atɛ: He knows me to be his father

DBM: Since when?

Atɛ: Since meeting my wife

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Atɛ: 8 years

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your friend

Atɛ: We go way back

DBM: How far back?

Atɛ: Childhood buddies

DBM: What is his character like?

Atɛ: He’s chill; passive-aggressive behavior sometimes. He used to drink a lot, but not anymore. He’s also married.

DBM: I see. May I know why you agreed for us to talk?

Atɛ: My wife wants me to end my friendship with him

DBM: Did you know about your wife’s ordeal?

Atɛ: She told me about it

DBM: When?

Atɛ: A few months into the relationship, when she had to tell me about his son

DBM: And, you knew it was your friend?

Atɛ: No! She put a name to his face on our honeymoon. In fact, we spent our entire honeymoon discussing him.

DBM: What did you agree on?

Atɛ: I suggested we didn’t tell him about his son, since he didn’t even recognize my wife. Also, I didn’t want him meddling in our lives.

Aku: But you’re still hanging and drinking out with him. I’ve told you I’m very uncomfortable with your closeness

Atɛ: He is my friend, Sweetie

Aku: Your friend who raped me

DBM: How do you feel about what he allegedly did to your wife?

Atɛ: It was wrong. But then again, he was young, and stupid; I can’t fault him for being under the influence. He was drinking and probably doing drugs at that age. But he is a nice guy

Aku: He is not

Atɛ: You don’t even know him like that

Aku: Before dropping out of Uni to carry the pregnancy to term, I told one of my closest friends what had happened. She decided to test him to see if he intentionally preyed on vulnerable girls. She stalked him to a bar he was frequenting, and pretended to be near-collapsing and drunk – just to see if he would lure her into taking her home with him. He approached her, pretended to like her, bought another drink, before taking her to his hostel. According to my friend, he started to sexually assault her. That was when she dropped her act to call him out.

DBM: Atɛ, why haven’t you told him about his son?

Atɛ: I know my friend; he will never be able to forgive himself. And, it will ruin our friendship

DBM: Which is important to you, your friendship with him or your wife’s peace of mind?

Atɛ: That’s not a fair question

DBM: You seem to be doing a good job picking up his slack

Atɛ: Come on! I am not defending him. I am just saying, what is past stays in the past

Aku: Really?

DBM: What your wife is trying to say is that, the thought of you still hanging out with him makes it impossible for her to release that past – which weighs heavy on her heart and mind

Atɛ: I am not dismissing her ordeal. I just feel like we can all claim our power, and not allow what other people do or have done to control how we feel or live our lives

DBM: Some memories have triggers that are hard to forget. She got pregnant with his son. Have you considered how difficult it has been for her to always be suppressing the negative association the mere sight of her son links to him?

Atɛ: I love you Sweetie

Aku: I don’t want your love

DBM: Have you had an open, judgement-free conversation with your husband about his friend, and how their friendship makes you feel?

Aku: I have

DBM: And?

Aku: He says it cannot happen

DBM: What would be some of your realistic boundaries?

Aku: I don’t want him at our house for any reason. I don’t want him and my husband to be friends.

Atɛ: As I already promised you, I will not invite him home again. That’s the best I can do in this situation.

Aku: That is not good enough.

DBM: Do you care about your wife?

Atɛ: I do

DBM: And it doesn’t upset you that your friendship with the said person, inconveniences her?

Atɛ: It does

DBM: Can you at least find a common ground?

Atɛ: I already have; he doesn’t come to our house

DBM: That is your understanding of listening to, and validating your wife’s feelings?

Atɛ: We all have a past: some good, while others are better off forgotten. We all have done shit that we’re ashamed of, and wish we never did. Some skeletons are better left in the closet.

Aku: Dave, you’re not asking about the similar skeletons my husband may have also left in his closet

Atɛ: I have nothing to hide, Sweetie

Aku: Were you taking advantage of vulnerable girls?

Atɛ: I have never done any such thing

Aku: Then, why are you defending your friend?

DBM: His best friend doesn’t necessarily have to be your friend too. You know that, no?

Aku: But here is the case I cannot stand his friend, and the thought of them drinking and laughing together is what is creating tension now in our marriage?

DBM: Are there any unhealthy behaviors that you feel you’re beginning to accept as part of your friendship with him?

Atɛ: No!

Aku: Yes, I can name a few

DBM: Let’s hear it

Aku: He drinks a lot on weekends and some evenings during the weekday with them; he’s been taking advantage of his kindness; they have affairs with other girls outside their marriages; my husband now knows how to lie a lot to me, and his friend is not that loyal to him as he is to him.

Atɛ: Not true

DBM: Which of her observations aren’t accurate, in your opinion?

Atɛ: He’s not taking advantage of my kindness. We’re not excessive alcoholics. We drink considerably. And, he’s loyal. I can trust him

DBM: I’m curious though: how does your friendship with him fit into your life?

Atɛ: He’s like a safe space in my life to process certain feelings I cannot share with my wife. We also talk about other important things

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Atɛ: Sweetie is my friend

Aku: Am I your best friend?

Atɛ: I have a best friend, and so do you

DBM: Are you able to make time to have fun together as a couple?

Atɛ: Sometimes

DBM: And, you communicate openly on the daily?

Atɛ: Yes

Aku: No!

DBM: Do you want what’s best for each other?

Atɛ: I do

Aku: Yes

DBM: Are you in agreement with your partner having all kinds of friends?

Atɛ: Yes. I have never asked her not to be friends with someone she likes

DBM: Some quality-outside-friendships can bring joy to people and even, contribute positively to their marriages. Hopefully, yours is doing same?

Atɛ: That’s my brother from another mother. That’s all I can say

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your son

Aku: Nenusem is a sweet, loving and gentle teenager. He’s still excited about holding my hand, hugging me, and will take any opportunity to tell me how much he loves me.

Atɛ: He does the same with me. He’s growing his own afro hair too.

DBM: Do you ever intend telling his biological father about his son?

Aku: Never

Atɛ: No. It’s not that a big deal

DBM: You’re choosing not to make a big enough deal out of it, but it really is a big deal. The fact is, you share a child and he doesn’t know that yet

Aku: And he will never know.

DBM: Participant 168, Susan, left a question for you: ‘If you knew in six months you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?’

Aku: I wouldn’t mind marrying a different man

Atɛ: What do you mean?

Aku: That is just my answer to Susan’s question

DBM: Susan’s question also asked ‘why’

Aku: I am very protective of the men I love, and they should be pretty much protective of me too. In the sense that, we both would be concerned with, and for each other’s emotional, spiritual and physical safety and overall wellbeing.

Atɛ: I have not been that for you?

Aku: That is a question only you can answer with your drinking buddy.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Atɛ: What does friendship mean to you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Lara Jameson

Let’s Talk To Susan

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 168:  I’m Susan

DBM: Hi Susan. How would you describe yourself?

Susan: Naturally a busy woman. I am the type that always needs something to occupy my time, else, I will go crazy

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Susan: 7 if I am not being made to feel bad about my decisions at home.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Susan: My husband wants me to stay at home and not work. He says that’s what is going to make him happy – if I am managing the household fulltime. He thinks it would be a burdensome responsibility when I have to manage the home, children and my work.

DBM: Is that what you want?

Susan: No!

DBM: What do you think will make you happy? Because your husband is clear on what would make him happy

Susan: I hold a Master of Finance degree, and currently looking to make career change. I want something that can increase my potential earnings.

DBM: In other words, you do not want to be a housewife?

Susan: I do not want to be a housewife. I work hard, and I love to work in my field. I think that is one of the few things that makes me smile.

DBM: Life is always better when we have the perfect opportunity to do what makes us smile the more. Afterall, you did not marry your husband just to accompany him in his life

Susan: Thank you!

DBM: What does he do for a living?

Susan: He’s a medical practitioner

DBM: How long have you been married?

Susan: We’re 2 and a half

DBM: You have children?

Susan: Not yet

DBM: How old are you?

Susan: 33

DBM: Okay! Did you discuss the whole stay-at-home subject before getting married?

Susan: He told me that was what his mother did, and he is very proud of her because she made time for them while growing up

DBM: What has that got to do with you?

Susan: In other words, he would be very proud of me if I agreed to him working, while I stayed home.

DBM: And, what was your response?

Susan: There wasn’t a direct question asked me. He just made a passing statement, and I smiled.

DBM: Does he earn enough to take care of the home?

Susan: He does. I earn more than him though

DBM: I see

Susan: Just saying

DBM: Understood!

Susan: Sometimes, I feel like the root of it is insecurity

DBM: How so?

Susan: This may sound like a dumb thing to grumble, but he is scared other handsome or wealthy men may express interest in, or flirt with me while at work.

DBM: You’re a beautiful lady. I can see from your profile pictures

Susan: Thanks. He gets uncomfortable when men compliment my looks. He’s always insinuating, I try too hard to look good.

DBM: Do you?

Susan: Of course! I love to dress well. I want to always smell good. I feel confident like that.

DBM: Okay!

Susan: And happy

DBM: How is your sex life like?

Susan: On the low. Why do you ask?

DBM: Sometimes, too much stress from work can take away the quality of time to be spent with a lover

Susan: My drive is not low because of work-related stress

DBM: What is it then?

Susan: My husband doesn’t know how to talk to me with respect. His choice of words towards me sometimes kills the mood

DBM: He knows?

Susan: I have drawn his attention to it. I don’t know if every woman sees it this way too, but for me, foreplay begins the moment I wake up in the morning. If he chooses to be nice to me during the day, sex is easily guaranteed, and must be expected.

DBM: I believe men ought to uplift their partners. That should be the first form of support coming through us naturally. It’s not your job to just take care of your husband, while losing yourself. Being a wife has nothing to do with that. You have your identity outside of the marriage as a woman.

Susan: I don’t want him to feel as though, I don’t listen to him. Because that’s the lie he’s started feeding his mother.

DBM: Most people hardly would care about the truth when a lie is more entertaining.

Susan: What do I do?

DBM: You want my honest opinion?

Susan: Yes

DBM: Do not allow him to take your piece of happiness. Do things for you too

Susan: What if he interprets my actions for something else?

DBM: Something else like what?

Susan: Going against his wishes

DBM: Let me use a personal experience as an example: when I was young, my dream was to do music fulltime. I wanted to write songs and perform them live for people. My father, on the other hand did not approve of my decision. To him, education was everything; my power, my way in life to succeed. Anything else was to be considered a hobby, and not taken seriously. Till date, I cannot unhear the mean words he used to hurt my feelings – simply because I wouldn’t stop singing songs I had written at home. He didn’t think my songs were nice. He didn’t think I had a good voice. He couldn’t see success in a music career for his son, but would be the first to hail and acknowledge a popular and successful singer. Truth is, most dream crushers will be people that you respect and care about. They are usually the well-meaning folks, irrespective of their negative attitude towards your goals in life.

Susan: That sounds almost like my husband

DBM: What are some of the things he says that you feel draws you back?

Susan: ‘You don’t make time for me anymore’

DBM: What will make him say that?

Susan: When I return home from work, stressed or tired

DBM: Do you say the same thing to him when he’s tired and, or stressed from work?

Susan: No

DBM: Do you make time for your husband?

Susan: I do

DBM: If your husband delights in dissuading you every now and then from pursuing what makes you, you, for the sake of sustaining your marriage, then perhaps the marriage was never the right one to sacrifice.

Susan: Hmmm!

DBM: I’d rather love on someone who may not share the same dream with me, but would be okay to allow me grow and fully develop myself by pursuing what I enjoy doing the most.

Susan: I just hope you are right

DBM: This has nothing to do with being right or wrong. It’s simply a choice of what you believe is the best for you.

Susan: Sure

DBM: I asked this question earlier, but let me ask for the last time: how would you describe yourself?

Susan: My name is Susan; a woman with analytical mind and strong attention to detail. I enjoy working with numbers and managing money.

DBM: Participant 167, Richmond, left a question for you: ‘Do you give to others whatever they ask of you?’

Susan: Honestly, I hate to disappoint people, so a lot of the time, even though other activities would have stretched me too thin, I would still find myself almost giving in to whatever is being requested of me – just to make others happy.

DBM: And, are you able to put your ‘A’ game on these commitments?

Susan: Not really. It can be exhausting

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Susan: If you knew in six months you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Godisable Jacob

Let’s Talk To Richmond

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 167:  Richmond

DBM: Hello Richmond. How would you describe yourself?

Richmond: Slowing down and allowing myself to feel the feelings in my bones

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Richmond: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Richmond: My ex supervised one of my building projects to completion. Unfortunately, we broke up and she wants restitution.

DBM: Why did you break up?

Richmond: I met someone else

DBM: After dating your ex for how long?

Richmond: Five to six years. We were engaged

DBM: When did you break up?

Richmond: Two years ago

DBM: You’re still dating the other woman?

Richmond: We are married

DBM: For how long now?

Richmond: 2 years

DBM: How old are you?

Richmond: 42

DBM: How old is your ex?

Richmond: She’s 38

DBM: How old is your wife?

Richmond: 27

DBM: The building project your ex had to oversee, is it a house?

Richmond: Yes. Our plan was to get married and live in it together

DBM: Who lives in that property now?

Richmond: Me and my wife. We have a son

DBM: How old is your son?

Richmond: One and a half

DBM: Why was your ex the one supervising the project?

Richmond: I was not in Ghana. She was the only person I could trust with my money

DBM: Aside the fact that you met someone else, did she do something wrong to you?

Richmond: No

DBM: What kind of compensation is she seeking?

Richmond: Money

DBM: How much?

Richmond: $50, 000 USD

DBM: Do you have 50k?

Richmond: I don’t

DBM: Do you think she’s worth that much money?

Richmond: No

DBM: How much is she worth, in your approximation?

Richmond: Not that much for sure

DBM: Why do you think she’s asking for that amount?

Richmond: I don’t know. She thinks I owe her. I did not marry her. That was my only crime

DBM: Banyin na obotum atoo susu wɔ ne yer ne twɛ’mu na ɔdze akɔma basia fofor dɛ ondzi

Richmond: I cannot read it. Can you translate into English?

DBM: I was only saying it is of the utmost importance we keep our word, as men

Richmond: Yeah!

DBM: What are you going to do about her?

Richmond: She’s threatening to harm my family, and my wife is insisting I report her to the police

DBM: You needed your ex to help you complete your house

Richmond: Yes

DBM: Do you think you mistreated her in the complete picture of what could have been?

Richmond: I moved on. People move on

DBM: That’s very true but did you value her sacrifices for you?

Richmond: I did

DBM: Did you have her best interest at heart, and served her as much as she did you?

Richmond: I did my best

DBM: Describe your best to me

Richmond: Dave, I contacted you because I want to know if it’s harsh to report her to the police

DBM: You left her for another woman because you thought you were smart to realize that you deserved better

Richmond: My wife was the correct decision to make at that time

DBM: Because your ex was not your only option

Richmond: I’m not sure what else to say

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Richmond: Yes

DBM: And?

Richmond: She’s insisting I compensate her or she harms my family

DBM: Is she capable of carrying out the threat?

Richmond: I don’t know

DBM: If I am threatened in any way or form, I know I will call the police to report the threat.

Richmond: Thank you

DBM: Did you love her?

Richmond: Ex?

DBM: Yes

Richmond: Yes

DBM: Do you love her?

Richmond: I still care

DBM: I think what you did to her makes her feel as though she wasted her love for you. Supervising the building of your house was her way of proving to herself that she was more than capable of loving someone like you. What you did wrong, in return, was to not prove to her that her love and sacrifices for you were not worth it.

Richmond: Life goes on, bro Dave. I’ve moved on.

DBM: Participant 166, Louis, left a question for you: ‘What are you most proud of about yourself?’

Richmond: I am proud of the love I have for myself, and the fact that I am kinda taking care of my emotional and physical needs.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Richmond: Do you give to others whatever they ask of you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Cloud96 Adedayo

Let’s Talk To Louis

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 166:  Louis, my brother

DBM: Hi Louis. How would you describe yourself?

Louis: Not complicated, not hard to understand

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Louis: 5.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Louis: I’m tempted to cheat on my wife

DBM: How long have you been married?

Louis: 14 years

DBM: Why do you feel like cheating on your wife?

Louis: My hormones are controlling this version of me, I think

DBM: What are your hormones seeking exactly?

Louis: More fun, more sex. I think I need a short break from the routine of my busy life

DBM: How busy are you in life?

Louis: So much going on lately

DBM: Like?

Louis: I don’t want to talk about it

DBM: Is sex lacking at home?

Louis: Not really

DBM: Is wifey a boring person?

Louis: Nah!

DBM: So, what is it then?

Louis: I feel like I need my batteries charged with a connection more available to me and my sexual needs

DBM: How would you rate your sex life with your wife?

Louis: Now?

DBM: Yeah

Louis: 55 to 60-ish %

DBM: I see

Louis: Also, I don’t want to stress her. Too much on her plate

DBM: Too much as in?

Louis: The children, her work, her dad, she’s also in school, etc.

DBM: What’s wrong with her father?

Louis: He’s sick

DBM: How old are your children?

Louis: 12, 10 and 7 years

DBM: How does your wife make you feel?

Louis: Make me feel, like how?

DBM: Tell me something about your wife

Louis: She’s self-sufficient, very independent, a great person, and a very hardworking woman. I feel desired by her. She makes me feel like I am the greatest man, and capable of anything

DBM: Are you capable of loving her?

Louis: Of course, I love my wife

DBM: How much?

Louis: Lol! I love her

DBM: Do you feel like you have lost your place in the marriage because she’s independent and self-sufficient?

Louis: Nothing like that

DBM: So, you feel useful in the marriage?

Louis: I do

DBM: How about your use and purpose in the marriage

Louis: I’m still the man and head of our home

DBM: In other words, you do not feel lost in where your place is, in the marriage?

Louis: I am able to fulfill my responsibilities as a man, husband and father

DBM: Are you attracted to your wife?

Louis: I am

DBM: She pleases you sexually?

Louis: Yes

DBM: You get pleasure from being with her?

Louis: Yes

DBM: Are you miserable in the marriage?

Louis: No

DBM: Are you in an unhappy marriage?

Louis: No

DBM: There is happiness at home?

Louis: We’re happy together, yes.

DBM: She takes very good care of you?

Louis: She does

DBM: Do you feel admired in your marriage?

Louis: My wife finds me attractive. She’s proud of me

DBM: Does she take your need for sex seriously?

Louis: She tries her very best

DBM: And is her ‘very best’ good enough for you?

Louis: It could be better, but at the moment, manageable. Are you married?

DBM: I’ve done five years loving and committing to someone, and each year has presented us different versions of ourselves that challenged our purpose

Louis: I didn’t know that. I thought you were single

DBM: I am not. I don’t discuss my personal relationship

Louis: Have you faced similar temptation?

DBM: I’ve been attracted to someone else before

Louis: And?

DBM: I drew nearer to the temptation to talk.

Louis: Just to talk?

DBM: The knowing you, knowing me process

Louis: I’m doing that too with the other woman

DBM: I see

Louis: And?

DBM: Mine could have been something equally beautiful – if I had pursued it

Louis: But…

DBM: I developed a taste bud for fine wine, and came to the realization that, even as a novice in wine tasting, I could tell the difference between an old and a new wine by the excitements each presented to me.

Louis: I love wine

DBM: Good. An aged wine has a pleasing flavor to it. Your wife of 14 years isn’t the same young lady you met and married 14 years ago

Louis: No, she’s not

DBM: You have at home, a woman who has grown strong with you, throughout the different seasons of your 14 years together, holding you, the children, the family and marriage down, no?

Louis: Yes

DBM: I came to the realization that; I’d rather have and value love that has grown strong.

Louis: Hmmm! Like fine wine

DBM: How long have you been engaging the other lady?

Louis: Almost three months

DBM: What’s your favorite fruit?

Louis: Apple

DBM: In what world do you compare a three months old apple juice to a 14 year old wine?

Louis: Yeah…

DBM: Does it even make sense to you? Just like the roots of any tree, its dense root are the masterstrokes to its endurance and potential to thrive. Question is, which of these new temptations catching your attention has done 14 years of YOU, three kids, and managing your household to build a family?

Louis: Point well noted

DBM: You have something that grows strong at home, Louis, and she’s your wife

Louis: I know

DBM: You may not need your wife to meet your horny moments. You do not need your wife to survive; she does not need you to survive either. In fact, no woman does. But for your marriage to survive, you need your wife.

Louis: Yes. My wife is not perfect, but she’s good

DBM: Try to love this new version of your wife that you’re currently staying with

Louis: I will try

DBM: That’s the least you can do. Find each other in this new phase of your marriage. Some of us are intentional on doing that

Louis: I need to say though, that a few things aren’t working to make our marriage as I want it

DBM: You can choose to divorce yourself from the version of your marriage that isn’t working for you now, and learn to adapt to the new phase it’s taking. Remember good wine, over the course of years undergoes a series of complicated changes that impact its aroma, flavors, and colors. And these changes elevate the wine to new heights, while revealing its entirely new character.

Louis: Yes

DBM: Good wine prepares the heart for love. And I know for a fact, the longer the wine is left to ferment, after being transferred to the oak barrel or glass jugs, the finer the wine tastes. What does your wife taste like today?

Louis: Nutritious

DBM: Your marriage can have the potential to grow into a deep, fruitful love, and the roots of your love can also grow stronger over time

Louis: Yes

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Louis: What are you most proud of about yourself?

DBM: Thank you!

Louis: It was nice talking to you

 

Image Credit: Rachel Claire

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