Let’s Talk To Calvary

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 184: My name is Calvary

DBM: Hi Calvary. How would you describe yourself?

Calvary: A once in a lifetime kind of woman

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Calvary: I am 5-ish today. It may change tomorrow

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Calvary: I came up with a solution to solve my husband’s weak ejaculation problem. His erectile dysfunction is a cause for concern in our marriage. And I wasn’t ready to start looking elsewhere to find good sex, that is why I thought through this idea before executing it.

DBM: What do you mean by weak ejaculation?

Calvary: Ne kɔteɛ nu ejaculation decreased in force and volume

DBM: I see. So, what was your brilliant idea?

Calvary: Viagra solution

DBM: 😊 Good for him

Calvary: He doesn’t know he’s taking it

DBM: How do you mean?

Calvary: I mix in with his soup, drinks, stew, tea, etc. on a daily basis. Well, depending on what he’s asking me to prepare or give to him at home.

DBM: But that is wrong, no?

Calvary: How is it wrong?

DBM: Did the two of you consult with a doctor about what’s best for him?

Calvary: I figured it out myself. His ego wouldn’t allow him to see a doctor.

DBM: How do you know?

Calvary: He’s my husband, I know him.

DBM: Is it working?

Calvary: Not the way I was hoping it would.

DBM: How long have you been doing this to him?

Calvary: Since the beginning of the year

DBM: What you are doing is criminal

Calvary: It’s not

DBM: Are you your husband’s doctor?

Calvary: Lol!

DBM: No, I’m being serious.

Calvary: I know what I’m doing

DBM: Have you considered your husband’s overall health?

Calvary: He’s fine

DBM: Has he any medical conditions he’s being treated for?

Calvary: Not really

DBM: Meaning, you’re not sure?

Calvary: He’s healthy, believe me. Just a little high pressure here and there but that’s all.

DBM: Viagra may or not be safe for men with high blood pressure. It actually interacts negatively with certain medications

Calvary: How do you know? Are you on Viagra?

DBM: No, but I’m just saying! I know it should only be taken once a day

Calvary: I will be careful

DBM: It’s not about being careful. You are drugging your husband

Calvary: I am healing the sick

DBM: What is the appropriate doze given him?

Calvary: I mix 20-mg tablet into whatever liquid I serve him. With the exception of water

DBM: The day he will experience a heart attack or die, remember to inform his family you were mixing Viagra to feed him.

Calvary: I have another pressing issue to discuss

DBM: What?

Calvary: There is this guy that I think I am attracted to. He is not available but I feel like we connect in our own special way.

DBM: He is not available, meaning?

Calvary: He is married

DBM: Are you available?

Calvary: I want to be for him – if he’s willing to avail himself too

DBM: Why?

Calvary: He is something my husband is not

DBM: What?

Calvary: Very considerate and caring, and kind.

DBM: And?

Calvary: Successful

DBM: In other words?

Calvary: Lol! Rich

DBM: Was he in the picture before your husband?

Calvary: Yes, but we hadn’t discovered our attraction for each other

DBM: When did you realize you liked him?

Calvary: When he told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me

DBM: Why is he thinking about you?

Calvary: That’s the same question I’ve been asking myself

DBM: Why are you thinking about him?

Calvary: He’s the kind of man I want for a husband

DBM: But he is married

Calvary: I know

DBM: What kind of man is your husband?

Calvary: He is my family. He is a wonderful man. I love him very much but I may just not be in love with him anymore

DBM: We all had to make the decision to wind up with strangers we ‘fell in love’ with, who later became our family. We are not supposed to stay in love with them all the time. The intense attraction is a temporary phase that is supposed to keep us together for a period, so deeper and meaningful feelings of love can develop and take root in us. You can choose to toy with the idea of fucking it all up.

Calvary: But don’t you also think life is rather too short to be married to the wrong person?

DBM: Are you married to the wrong man?

Calvary: Sometimes, I feel like I am

DBM: Then discuss the direction your marriage is going with your husband, so you can consider ending with him to see where things might go with the other guy.

Calvary: It’s not that simple

DBM: Do you see your husband truly happy with someone else?

Calvary: Yes

DBM: There’s your answer

Calvary: I am not in love with him

DBM: I believe you. Your answer to my question just clarified that

Calvary: Marriage is not easy. Hmmm!

DBM: When a bond you once shared weakens, your marriage automatically becomes vulnerable to outside factors that sometimes, damages it further. To stay married is a choice I make every single day, because I am content with what I have for a partner.

Calvary: I am not content with what I have

DBM: Very well understood. Your destiny is always in your hands, and so influence, direct and control your own narrative of love. Make your love-life what you want it to be, and with whoever you may want it to be with.

Calvary: Thank you!

DBM: Participant 183, Sabrina, left a question for you: ‘Why did your relationship with your ex not work out?’

Calvary: We grew apart

DBM:  It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Calvary: Are you voting Bawumia or Mahama, and why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Rdne

Let’s Talk To Sabrina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 183: Sabrina

DBM: Hello Sabrina. How would you describe yourself?

Sabrina: Highly organized with a strong work ethic.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sabrina: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Sabrina: I’ve been proposed to be married. I’ve said yes to him but a part of me isn’t sure whether I’m making the right decision. He’s a great guy but does not earn enough money. He has a bit of savings but he will be incapable of being a good provider. I make slightly more than him but even with that, I doubt we can support a family should we have a baby.

DBM: Is he financially responsible in character?

Sabrina: He is to the best of my knowledge. He supports his parents and little sister. A lot is going on with him. I know myself, and I feel like I may end up being unhappy in the future with him as my husband. The kind of life I want for my future wouldn’t fit into his plans.

DBM: What kind of life do you want for your future?

Sabrina: Let me tell you what I don’t want; I don’t want to end up like my mother and father. Ma was ignorant about money management, and left money matters to my dad after they married. My dad wasn’t skillful in the same and this resulted in unplanned life goals and investments in wrong ventures which austerely affected our family. The man I am about to marry doesn’t believe he’s anything like my parents, but I think he is.

DBM: You said he’s responsible with money, no?

Sabrina: To some extent. I mean, he doesn’t waste money buying designer stuff. He doesn’t spend on me because he thinks he has to save for our future. Every Cedi counts in his books.

DBM: He doesn’t spend on you?

Sabrina: Nope

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Sabrina: Three and a half years

DBM: And, he does not spend on you?

Sabrina: I can remember the last time he bought me something

DBM: When?

Sabrina: April, 2022

DBM: What did he get for you?

Sabrina: KFC. Even with that, I had to top up with a Ghs 100 because he didn’t have enough money on his mobile money that day.

DBM: Do you spend on him?

Sabrina: I used to but had to stop

DBM: Why?

Sabrina: He takes minor loans from me, and it takes him forever to sometimes pay back.

DBM: How do you feel about him in general?

Sabrina: I love him. He makes me laugh but I fear I may end up resenting him because he wouldn’t be capable of supporting us in a marriage.

DBM: How old are you?

Sabrina: 34

DBM: How old is he?

Sabrina: 38

DBM: Before I decided to settle down in marriage, I had to come to terms with the fact that, my marriage may be about accepting certain things in my partner that I didn’t necessarily love. My partner, on the other hand also had to learn how to tolerate what career women like yourself deal with on a daily basis: loving a husband who is not wealthy enough to tick all the boxes on your list.

Sabrina: It’s not easy. Hmmm!

DBM: When it comes to love and marriage, there really are no guarantees. And the grass isn’t always that greener.

Sabrina: I don’t want to suffer

DBM: You don’t have to suffer.

Sabrina: Hmmm!

DBM: In-as-much-as I’m all for ‘living your very best life’, I hold dear to love.

Sabrina: I love love too, Dave. But is love enough?

DBM: If he was making more money and had refused to spend on you, then I would have an issue. But here is the case he genuinely does not have. You can choose to learn how to enjoy him and the relationship if you want to. Life and love can be cheap, yet memorable, depending on what is important to you. I’m creating enjoyable memories with my choice of a partner and marriage.

Sabrina: I’m a bit conflicted

DBM: You need to understand though, that most men, naturally are givers. If a man genuinely is that much into you, he does not find it hard to go out of his way to please the love of his heart, however little. We spend on where our heart is.

Sabrina: You don’t think he loves me?

DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. Do you think he loves you?

Sabrina: I don’t know. He doesn’t spend on me at all.

DBM: Yeah! That’s a flag for me. I do not measure love by how much money one is able to give to another. I’m not a rich guy but I make the effort to make my partner feel wanted and comfortable. And comfort does not come about without spending an amount here or there.

Sabrina: I agree. I don’t think he loves me as much as he says he does

DBM: Talk to him about your concerns

Sabrina: I don’t have to. It’s not going to work between us.

DBM: I don’t think he’s stingy. He does not love you that much. That would be my biggest guess.

Sabrina: Because he’s been living on a budget with me for so long in our relationship.

DBM: And marriage will only enhance it to an unbearable magnitude. Love should not be brewed behind closed doors, all in the name of ‘he’s saving for our future’. You may end up not being a part of the said future. I’ve seen it happen to many women.

Sabrina: Thank you, David. You’ve been of great help.

DBM: You’re welcome! Participant 182, Zuhrah, left a question for you: ‘I am pregnant for a married man. Do I have to inform him about my decision to get an abortion? NB: I am not ready to be a mother. I do not want this pregnancy.’

Sabrina: See a doctor, flush the baby out and leave the relationship.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Sabrina: Why did your relationship with your ex not work out?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Andres Ayrton

Let’s Talk To Zuhrah

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 182: My name will be Zuhrah

DBM: Hi Zuhrah. How would you describe yourself?

Zuhrah: I’m a good lady but when I look within me, I can’t seem to find exactly where I might be going wrong.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Zuhrah: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Zuhrah: My boyfriend takes very good care of me but I fear he is not doing as much for his wife. He’s very fond of his children and would move heaven and earth to give them a comfortable life experience. His wife, however, lacks the kind of shared time and experience he gives to me.

DBM: Has his wife complained to you?

Zuhrah: No, but she’s called me before

DBM: What did she want?

Zuhrah: She asked whether I was having an affair with her husband. I confirmed it and she begged me not to tell him about the call.

DBM: That was all?

Zuhrah: She also asked if I was in love with him.

DBM: Are you in love with him?

Zuhrah: I love him for all that he’s been doing for me to have an easy life. However, I don’t think I am in love with him yet.

DBM: What does he do for you?

Zuhrah: He surprises me from time to time with almost everything I want. He makes me feel very safe. He’s ensured I live comfortably. He’s never forgotten my birthdays, and does not leave my place without leaving money for me to fuel my car. He has sex with me more than three times in a week. He tells me he loves me every day, and spends a lot of hours with me before going home to his wife and children.

DBM: How long have you been together?

Zuhrah:  It’s been over three years

DBM: What do you think he’s benefitting from his association with you?

Zuhrah: He says he feels connected to, and loved by me. I know how to make men experience the love and affection they crave for. Dave, I’m experienced when it comes to watering my plants well.

DBM: I was almost under the assumption that you’re being jejune believing he could be that much into you, but from the description you’ve given thus far, he probably might be in love with you.

Zuhrah: He is.

DBM: Why are you not in love with him yet?

Zuhrah: He is not my type.

DBM: Oh, you have a type?

Zuhrah: Don’t we all? Lol! I don’t find him physically attractive most of the time. He’s financially also not there yet, but I’m managing my situation with him like that till I find what I am looking for.

DBM: You need to give his wife hope. Let her understand you’re not in to take him away from her.

Zuhrah: I already gave her that assurance

DBM: And, what did she say?

Zuhrah: I don’t know. It was an uncomfortable conversation

DBM: I can only imagine. Are you building friendship with her?

Zuhrah: No. I am not interested in that.

DBM: Okay! Have you drawn his attention to your observation about how he treats his wife?

Zuhrah: Yes

DBM: And?

Zuhrah: He says he’s doing the best any husband would for his wife

DBM: Do you believe he is?

Zuhrah: I don’t. He treats me way better. He treats his children better. The wife, I don’t think so.

DBM: Do you feel bad about it?

Zuhrah: I don’t. He is the one disrespecting his wife. I am not married

DBM: Nonetheless, our actions reveal our character

Zuhrah: How do I help his wife?

DBM: Has she asked for your help?

Zuhrah: Not directly, but … I wish she could get the treatment I get

DBM: I don’t believe in treating others as I’d like to be treated

Zuhrah: How do you want it then?

DBM: I’d rather treat others the way they would want to be treated. That makes more sense to them, I think.

Zuhrah: You are married; how do married men want to feel loved etc.? I want something to at least, share with her. How does the special person in your life make you feel good?

DBM: I don’t know what other men want in order to feel important in the eyes of their partners, but I have someone who smiles at me every morning and evening, I get my daily dose of hugs and kisses; I’m appreciated for the little and big things I do; there is real adventure in my marriage and there is novelty.

Zuhrah: What if the man is sort of, closed off at home?

DBM: When a man is vulnerable in a relationship with you, he tends to have an open heart. And when our hearts open, we become emotionally present to your needs. You mentioned earlier that he makes you feel safe, no?

Zuhrah: He does

DBM: Exactly! I have a question though: who are you beyond your relationship with men?

Zuhrah: I don’t have an answer to that, sorry

DBM: Understood.

Zuhrah: I know I’m coming off as the bad person here but I can’t help it when someone is also choosing me to be his safe space, etc. You get my point?

DBM: I do. Every choice we make in life weighs on us, one way or the other. So, if dating this married man is the high road you’re choosing to journey on, it’s you who will reap the benefits thereof. I have seen life become difficult for people who chose to take the easy path. I have also seen life become so easy for certain individuals who chose to journey the hard and difficult path.

Zuhrah: Thank you. That’s food for thought.

DBM: Participant 181, Ame, left a question for you: ‘What would you have done differently in your life with the right support?’

Zuhrah: By the way, Ame is the second most interesting conversation I have read on your blog. I smiled throughout your chat with her. But to answer her question, with the right support I don’t think I would have lived small. I certainly would not find myself in such a situation where I’m being less than I can be.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Zuhrah: I am pregnant for a married man. Do I have to inform him about my decision to get an abortion? NB: I am not ready to be a mother. I do not want this pregnancy.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Bash Mutumba

Let’s Talk To Ame

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 181: Ame

DBM: Hello Ame. How would you describe yourself?

Ame: I am a bubbly, friendly, outgoing, smart, adaptable and an interesting person.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ame: 15/10

DBM: Eish! 😁 First of its kind

Ame: 🤣. I can actually explain why though. I don’t let things out of my control take away from me.

DBM: That makes sense

Ame: It is not that I don’t have problems: I have a mountain load that when some hear, they wonder how I sail through with a smile.

DBM: Anyways, what do you want to talk about?

Ame: I want to see if I am the only weird one: why am I friends with literally 95% of my exes?

DBM: Lol! As in, you feel like your authentic self around them?

Ame: As in, although we don’t talk frequently, we chat as friends would anytime. Even the one with the most annoying and hurtful breakup tends to be someone I can talk and laugh with. And even tease…

DBM: Interesting. You mind me asking how many exes you have?

Ame: I am feeling lazy but I guess I should have about 8. From when I was in secondary school till date. Might be more though 😁😅😂

DBM: Why did it not work out with Ex number 1?

Ame: With ex 1, he started another relationship with a girl in our neighborhood: I allowed them be anyways.

DBM: Oh boy! Why did your relationship with Ex 2 break up?

Ame: 😂 I think with ex two, his cousin impregnated my cousin and he denied it. I blasted both of them because he was supporting his cousin, knowing very well he was lying and… that was it! His cousin took responsibility for it though but I was done!

DBM: Hmmm! When did things start turning south between you and Ex 3?

Ame: Ex 3!!! Hmmmm! We met in Uni and I didn’t know he had a girlfriend at home whilst we were on campus till a friend of his shared the info with me! That was the end of another era…

DBM: I see. How about Ex 4?

Ame: Lol. Do I need to recount for all these? Lol

DBM: Not really! I just need information about the relationships so I can understand why you can be good friends and nice towards them.

Ame: You are taking me down memory lane. With ex 4, we dated in Uni for close to a year till he dropped a bombshell that he was no longer interested. We took a walk on that day to the beach. Years later, this boy told me he thought I was going to kill him on that day. I still can’t believe he thought I was capable of that! 😂🤣

DBM: Lol! 😂 Funny! Let’s jump to Ex 8

Ame: Why are you jumping? Go easy! Lol

DBM: Hehehehe

Ame: Anyway, let me check on who 8 is first. I am coming

DBM: Alright! Lol! 😊

Ame: Can I just do 6 and skip 5

DBM: My ears sweet me. Ex 6 then

Ame: 6 is who I will call my soulmate! Damn, my back and forth with this guy is like a pendulum. It is that kind of love that draws you in anytime but… We are bad for each other. Basically, how I can describe it.

DBM: What is the one thing that you feel you could’ve done differently with E-6?

Ame: This is a very … question. There was absolutely nothing to do differently when it comes to him. Nothing would have worked.

DBM: Okay!

Ame: Yhup!

DBM: We are not talking about Ex 5, but I would like to know whether or not you miss your relationship with him at all?

Ame: Not at all! I sometimes wonder if we even shared good times together because when I try, nothing pops up! Don’t know if I was the terrible one or he was? 😂

DBM: 😊

Ame: Yhup!

DBM: Do you believe in love?

Ame: Oh yes, I do! But lately, I want to believe that love alone is not enough. I have operated on just love for so long and been hurt in the end.

DBM: What makes enough?

Ame: Mutual respect, understanding, and money! 😂

DBM: Hehehehe! Money, I hear is vitamins D

Ame: I swear. It is more than Vitamin D. It is all the vitamins in one.

DBM: 😁

Ame: And can just cure anything: stress, slight headache, frustration: you name it!

DBM: Are you single, dating or married?

Ame: Almost hooked at the moment… That is if he proves to be correct: so far, I have no complains.

DBM: Great! How important is friendship or being on good terms with people to you?

Ame: Very very important: I have always held the belief that “human currency” is very important. You sincerely don’t know when you will need anyone’s help in the future so try as much as you can to be on good terms with all. They don’t necessarily have to be your friends; they must just know that this girl is a good person. That way, on any day of reckoning when you need help, they will support you.

DBM: I concur. Do your exes relate to you in the same manner your energy rubs off them?

Ame: I guess it is my energy that rubs off on them. If I don’t give them the opportunity, I am sure this cordiality will not be. I create the atmosphere for them to feel at ease with me despite how things ended. To me, life is too short for us to hold grudges.

DBM: Indeed! Did you ever see a long-term future with any of them?

Ame: Oh yes, number 5 that we skipped. But I guess it was not meant to be! Life goes on.

DBM: Can you proudly say you have forgiven them?

Ame: Oh yes, I have! Completely. It even shocks me because number 5 really does not deserve the forgiveness… But eh, I don’t want people living rent free in my head.

DBM: You seem kind. Per your experiences with men, what would you tell any man reading this – about their intentions and actions when dealing with women they’re pursuing?

Ame: Don’t awaken a woman’s love if you are not ready for it! If it is sex that you want, just let the woman know and if she wants that too, why not? Don’t do all the running around, pretending you are someone that you are not, just to get some coochie.

DBM: Hmmm! Talk to the young lady reading our conversation about herself and men (per your understanding of them)

Ame: Lol. You want people to come for me?

DBM: I believe we all can impact others with our experiences

Ame: Anyway, I have realized that humans in this generation, both men and women, are not to be trusted. Should you meet anyone, don’t fall in love completely and don’t give your 100 to any man, esp. if they are not doing that for you. Give them the exact same energy they give you! You give your all at your in risk.

DBM: Very well said. You mentioned kinda, dating someone now. Assuming it all works out well for your good, do you think an old flame can burn so hot – to awaken your senses all over again?

Ame: I would have answered in the affirmative some years ago but I don’t see that happening now. There is no chance in hell…

DBM: And assuming your current relationship works out, do you think the flame can burn to awaken your senses?

Ame: It might! I am actually looking forward to that happening. But we are going in with lessons learnt.

DBM: I see. Participant 180, Nessa, left a question for you: ‘Do you believe in spiritual marriage? The belief that some individuals have marital partners in the spirit world, which may present challenges when seeking earthly marriage partners.’

Ame: If you believe in God, then you most certainly must believe in the existence of the spiritual realm. I believe some spiritual marriages are meant to either destroy someone or to provide the opposite. Just pray you don’t encounter anyone with any of these marriages.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Ame: What would you have done differently in your life with the right support?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: RDNE

Let’s Talk To Nessa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 180: Nessa

DBM: Hi Nessa. How would you describe yourself?

Nessa: If asked to describe myself, I would say I’m an intelligent, ambitious individual with a humble and kind demeanor. I strive to be friendly and approachable, valuing my Christian faith and living a simple lifestyle.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Nessa: Usually, 8 but in the past week has dropped to 3.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nessa: A year ago, I underwent a surgery related to my fertility as a woman. The procedure was incredibly risky and nearly cost me my life. If I don’t conceive a child soon and the issue recurs, I may be faced with the necessity of undergoing the same surgery again. I’m finding it difficult to accept the possibility that marriage may not be in my future and that I might need to expedite having a child.

DBM: How old are you, if I may ask?

Nessa: 38

DBM: Why do you think marriage may not be in your future plans?

Nessa: Ideally, I would have wanted to get married before having a child. I believe marriage (not the wedding) is an honor to a woman. Skipping straight to the child birth is ‘someway’ for me. I don’t know if I answered your question correctly.

DBM: I see marriage as a promise to another person that I will spend my life with them. That should have absolutely NOTHING to do with child bearing. What’s your take on marriage?

Nessa: I appreciate your view on marriage. That’s a lesson for me. I see marriage as a union between two people to fulfill a calling, in addition to the companionship it provides. I also believe it comes with special blessings and makes women more respected in ‘our’ society.

DBM: I see. Are you single?

Nessa: Hahahahaa! That adds to the complexity of my life. I am in a relationship with a man who I would have to wait for about 1-2 years or more before we can get married. I can’t go into details about that. Let me also ask you this question: what’s your perception about women who have children and are unmarried?

DBM: I think we live in an age where families/parenthood comes in diverse ways. At the end of the day, I believe it’s all about happiness and what is suitable for that particular person or their idea of family. I think people should have the freedom to live their very best lives without worrying about societal constructs. People should live their lives and not be bothered by the ‘traditional’ norm of what communities/society believe are the right family structure. You live in a diverse city in America, what you may think/perceive is wrong in reality may not. What I think or anyone else thinks at the end of the day should not matter.

Nessa: I agree with you, 100%. I always ask myself, what am I afraid of and can’t seem to get the answer.

DBM: What’s your fear, really? Disappointment of not doing what could be expected of you?

Nessa: I want my child to grow up in the kind of home I didn’t get to have. A place where mum and dad are together. I don’t want my child to be raised by a single mother. A father’s influence is very important in every child’s life, I didn’t have that so I know how it feels.

DBM: What makes you think that a father’s influence on a child is important?

Nessa: For a male child, they have a masculine someone to look up to. For a female, a daddy is their first love. I believe a good father-daughter relationship affects her love life in the future.

DBM: I see. Do you believe every woman ought to have a child?

Nessa: No. Children are a gift from God and He chooses who He gives them to. Some women also choose not to have children.

DBM: Okay! Question: how long have you been dating your guy?

Nessa: 1 year plus

DBM: Are you an independent lady?

Nessa: Very independent

DBM: Are you and your guy on the same page about what you value, how you’ve both grown as a couple and essentially why you two feel that it’s baby time?

Nessa: We are not on the same page when it comes to marrying before childbirth. He wants us to have a baby and I want to wait till all obstacles are cleared (which means, we have to wait till 1-2 years later) before we try.

DBM: The 1 or 2 years before marriage thing is still not clear to me

Nessa: He is going through a divorce.

DBM: I figured

Nessa: Honestly, I wish there was someone I could confidently choose without all these complications.

DBM: In two years, you’ll be 40 years old. Do you believe this man will actually divorce his wife? Also, you sound like a very intelligent woman, do you think this relationship is worth your time? As much as you want to raise a kid in a two-parent household, are you willing to sacrifice your values to make something happen with someone who may end up being a huge mistake?

Nessa: Thanks for the compliment. I honestly wouldn’t want to sacrifice my values. Those are tough questions to answer, you know! I just don’t want to go back to finding someone new. Those questions you asked earlier is making me think about things in a different way.

DBM: On a personal note, why can’t your significant other divorce his spouse now?

Nessa: It’s a long process. He is in it, but it can take longer than expected.

DBM: Is the guy also in the States?

Nessa: No.

DBM: I think you really need to sit and ponder your future. Knowing what you know of Ghana and marriage, do you really think this is the right relationship for you? I asked you if you were independent; do you believe in two years – if all were to work right with this man, you’ll find the happiness you are seeking?

Nessa: If you ask me to choose between a YES and No, and not stay in between, then the answer will be a No. For the happiness part, I am not so sure. He is a good man though, no doubt about that, but a woman can never get 100% of what she wants.

DBM: Deciding to have a baby is a huge step to take. Talking about it together as a team in a relationship is very important. When you’re considering getting pregnant, there are a number of things you should put into perspective… And this goes beyond just the baby stuff. To me, it’s more about figuring out how a baby will drastically change your lives, the relationship, and even your future plans as lovers. Is this a conversation you both have exhausted?

Nessa: We have not gone into the tiny details but we have discussed a few.

DBM: You are in a relationship with a lot of baggage. It’s good to know your significant other is a good guy. Remember, you are the only one who can pave your happiness. Take the time to reflect to determine if this relationship is right for you. Two years of waiting can turn into five years. Also, your timeline should not be influenced by a married man or people outside of your purpose in life.

Nessa: That’s the hard truth.

DBM: I might know a few people in a similar situation. My belief, however has always been, a child would give me and my partner an ongoing goal. Not having a child (for whatever reason) equally presents an opportunity for me and my partner to find a mutual goal or avenue to also bond the best way possible with time. Whichever dynamic would make sense to us will come with its own merits and demerits. Know and understand what would work best for you, and just honor that.

Nessa: I am seeing a different perspective to marriage and childbirth through our conversation. Truly happy I did this.

DBM: Participant 179, Ehab, left a question for you: ‘What are your thoughts on polyamory?’

Nessa: I wouldn’t suggest it to any couple. I have a few acquaintances who are involved in polyamory and they talk about it openly but it’s not my thing. I believe if you chose one person, be committed to him or her. Three or more becomes a crowd

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Nessa: Do you believe in spiritual marriage? The belief that some individuals have marital partners in the spirit world, which may present challenges when seeking earthly marriage partners.

DBM: Thank you.

Nessa: Thank you so much. This is the second time I have come to you and you have been so helpful.

DBM: I appreciate the time and chat. Make it your best day today

Image Credit: Elsimag

Let’s Talk To Ehab and Xyla

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 179: I will choose Ehab

Participant 179: Xyla

DBM: Hello Ehab and Xyla. How would you describe yourselves?

Ehab: Always trying to measure myself in order to improve.

Xyla: A wife willing to love sacrificially; willing to be humble in submitting to my husband’s leadership.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ehab: 7

Xyla: 7.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ehab: My wife and I have discussed extensively our need to be in a polyamorous relationship. We want to know how many of your followers practice this kind of relationship and how it’s working for them.

DBM: May I ask whose initial idea was this?

Ehab: It was a decision taken by the both of us

DBM: But who first proposed it?

Xyla: My husband first brought it for discussion.

DBM: Okay!

Ehab: It’s a form of consensual non-monogamy romantic partnership. No one will be doing anything in secret if that is what you’re concerned about.

DBM: I am not concerned. How long have you been married?

Xyla: 8 years, but known each other for 12

DBM: Is any of you already seeing someone secretly that you feel it’s time to introduce them to your partner?

Xyla: No!

Ehab: No!

DBM: So, why this sudden consideration?

Ehab: It’s not a sudden discussion. It’s a topic we had talked about prior to marriage. Every marriage as we know is different, and can be designed in any form that feels right to the parties involved.

DBM: True, but what is the basis of it? That’s what I am trying to understand

Xyla: I feel like I have given everything I thought would be sufficient to keep a man satisfied but I am realizing what he feels he needs from me is not enough.

Ehab: I also feel like I have deprived my wife of certain things that another man out there can pick up.

DBM: Is this going to be three people who are sexually or romantically involved with each other or four, where each has his or her own?

Ehab: We want to be exclusive with our options. Whoever I will be involved with wouldn’t share my wife. Vice versa.

DBM: You mentioned depriving your wife of certain things, what?

Ehab: My salary has not been able to afford her the kind of life I promised. Bills mounting up because I can’t keep up, especially with utilities, etc.

DBM: What kind of life was promised?

Xyla: Dave, the issue is I’m not even complaining but he feels he’s let me down

DBM: Has he let you down?

Xyla: Not at all. He’s very hardworking

Ehab: I feel like I’m disappointing her dreamed life

DBM: You heard her, she’s not disappointed

Ehab: But I am

DBM: So, keep your promises or don’t make any. You need to properly communicate with the one person you feel you’re letting down

Xyla: Hmmm!

DBM: Unless you are just not that much into building a true, intimate relationship with your partner?

Ehab: I am interested on every level

Xyla: I love my husband for richer or poorer. That was my vow to him.

DBM: One thing I have been very careful of in these past five years is not to project certain behaviors onto my partner to potentially suggest we do not belong together. If you love someone, and are genuinely that much into them, you understand and accept their honesty.

Xyla: Thank you!

Ehab: I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck for 10 years. I am not able to even save Ghs 500 a month. I feel like I am broke and I do not feel safe with the money and income that I make.

DBM: That is your truth, and your wife is saying she understands and accepts your situation.

Ehab: I am scared of disappointing my wife and failing my children

Xyla: You’re not disappointing me

DBM: What’s your current location?

Xyla: At work

Ehab: I am at the office

DBM: I may not know you, but I feel you’re an ambitious man. I can see it from the little you’ve shared.

Xyla: He is

DBM: There is no limit to what we can do as a people; however, assuming or listening to those negative voices from within can sway us from that potential. As a husband, you clearly want the best for your wife. As parents, you want the best for your children. But there are so many things also outside of your control.

Xyla: Dave, my husband’s major problem is he likes to compare himself to others

Ehab: Stop it!

Xyla: You do. He sees his friends on social media who have beautiful families and great jobs, nice homes or are taking enviable trips around the world, and suddenly would be moody – and looking at himself as falling short after comparing his life to theirs.

DBM: I am not surprised

Ehab: She’s lying

DBM: But on a serious note, people’s accomplishments or victories do not necessarily take anything away from you. It should not reflect on you either.

Xyla: He compares himself with every nice photo on Facebook and Instagram

Ehab: Esi, I don’t like what you’re doing. Please stop!

DBM: Do you know what I compare myself to? My past self, just to see how far I’ve come. If you’re ever going to compare, look back at you.

Xyla: We have come so far, David

DBM: I believe you. That is why you have to keep encouraging your husband to force himself to only see the good in all the moments; whether good or not-so-good. I strongly believe in toxic positivity, where we balance our time spent, acknowledging all the good.

Xyla: I am with you on this

DBM: We all feel like failures every now and then, but we choose not to wear it as a label on our forehead. Life happens! And it should not be a validation of who you are as a man, husband or father. Encourage yourself when you feel down. There is more to you.

Ehab: Thank you!

Xyla: Are we going to date other people?

Ehab: Do you still want us to do it?

Xyla: It was your idea, babe

Ehab: We can take it off the table for now

Xyla: I’m in agreement

Ehab: You did not like the idea all this while?

Xyla: I want you to be happy

DBM: You cannot want another person’s happiness more than your own. Most men know their significant others love them. Your husband knows you give him a lot of love – and he knows everything you are willing to do or sacrifice for him to eat his cake and still have it. I believe in a 50/50 relationship, where one person is not putting in all the effort to make the marriage work, simply because the other knows you love the idea of being married. You’re not giving your partner the chance to step up to do right by you, himself and the family at large. Do not encourage anyone to abuse that privilege. Protect your own purity and that of your husband’s

Xyla: Okay!

DBM: Do not settle for less than what GOD inspired in you to go for. If he chooses to mess around, know that there are men out there who model these very things you hold dear. Be attracted to what speaks sense to your heart.

Ehab: Boss, it’s okay! Stop putting ideas in my wife’s head

DBM: Participant 178, Wacian, left a question for you, ‘Do you believe in luck?’

Xyla: I believe I can change my luck by creating new thoughts and behavior.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ehab: What are your thoughts on polyamory? 

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: West Osee

Dinner Talks

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

One of the ladies is in her third marriage, which is now in its 24th year. She is 56 years of age, and her partner is 62. He is in his second marriage to/with her. (C.A) The second couple have been married for 19 years, and they’re each other’s first marriage. The lady is 48 and her partner is 53. (S.O) The third family is in their 40th year of marriage and are both in their mid-seventies. (P.U) The fourth couple have done 12 years in marriage; she is 41 and her partner is 37. It’s the 37-year-old guy’s first marriage while the 41-year-old is in her second marriage. (K.G). (D.M) are the fifth couple and youngest in marriage. They’re both 39 years of age.

WHY DID YOU CHOOSE TO SETTLE DOWN WITH YOUR SPOUSE?

C.A: We chose each other with both foots in.
S.O: We were not compatible but we were content with how we had grown and learned to fit in each other’s lives as friends.
P.U: We could handle our lives even when it got messy.
K.G: We made each other happy and wanted to take advantage of the experience. We understood tomorrow isn’t promised.
D.M: We just knew we were what we wanted for each other. It was a crazy decision but we took it regardless.

IS LOVE WORTH SACRIFICING FOR?

C.A: Of course; love is all about sacrifice
S.O: Yes
P.U: I cater for my wife’s needs at all times. I will do anything in my capacity to make her happy. She makes the same effort for me
K.G: It is. We are worth sacrificing for
D.M: Indeed! We’ve been intentional about doing the best we can to put the other at ease.

WHAT MISTAKES HAVE YOU MADE IN THIS MARRIAGE?

C.A: Cheating on C
S.O: Having an affair and almost costing my marriage to O
P.U: Not standing up for myself earlier in the relationship when P was taking me for granted
K.G: Cheating and lying to G
D.M: Taking for granted M’s need to want to be in my embrace, with our hands wrapped around each other in a cuddle. I have always wanted my space and didn’t want anyone touching or breathing around me while asleep.

ARE YOU CONTENT WITH YOUR PARTNER?

C.A: Yes
S.O: Yes
P.U: Yes
K.G: Yes
D.M: Yes

DO YOU SEE YOURSELF CHEATING ON YOUR SPOUSE?

C: No!
A: I doubt that
S: I don’t think so
O: No!
P: Not sure
U: No!
K: Not really
G: No!
D: I don’t know

M: No!

WHO GETS ON THE NERVES OF THE OTHER WITH A BAD CHARACTER?

C: A
A: I do
S: Me
O: S
P: I can be bad
U: P
K: I’m a rough diamond
G: K
D: I can be a handful
M: D

WHAT IS YOUR GOAL FOR YOUR MARRIAGE?

C: Make it a human experience with less expectations
A: To make it a success story
S: Grow together as a team
O: Build something meaningful and exceptional together
P: To experience new things together to draw us closer
U: To always have something to aim for so I don’t lose interest in my husband
K: Make good memories
G: Glorifying God in all situations
D: Finding my purpose in M’s life and fulfilling it
M: Finding a middle point where we both can be happy

IS LOVING AND/BEING WITH ONLY YOUR PARTNER ENOUGH FOR YOU?

C: Yes
A: No
S: One woman cannot satisfy a man’s needs
O: Yes
P: I believe so
U: Yes
K: It depends on how creative the other is willing to become
G: Yes
D: I can choose to be content.
M: Yes

LESSON LEARNT THUS FAR FROM YOUR EXPERIENCE

C: Make your spouse your priority, appreciate and value them.
A: It’s okay to sometimes go to bed mad. A good night’s sleep can help open up your emotions and also guide you to fight fairly.
S: It’s not always important to be right. Just be kind
O: Marriage will not be the center of my life. I have a life of my own to live
P: Have a lot of sex and be physically intimate
U: Not to allow our children to take up so much of our mental space, energy and money. My husband gets equal share of my energy and we spend on ourselves and have a lot of fun.
K: Our marriage is a partnership and has not always been 50/50
G: Communicate and try to understand the other person. This will lead to support and ultimately, love
D: Your marriage, your choice. Get your start with your partner, and GOD, and so not be distracted by the opinions of others.
M: I do not say things I do not mean to regret later. I’ve learnt when to hold my tongue

Image Credit: Gabby K

Let’s Talk To Wacian

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 178: Wacian

DBM: Hi Wacian. How would you describe yourself?

Wacian: A man that God is with and for, and is fighting for me every single moment of every single day.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Wacian: 9.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wacian: My friend died last year. He lived abroad. He used to stay with me anytime he visited Gh, till he built his own house. No member of his family knows about this property. He had his reasons for keeping it a secret. I have the main keys while he kept a spare. Now that he’s no more, I want to take over the property but my wife is accusing me of attempting to steal.

DBM: Are you attempting to steal it?

Wacian: No

DBM: Did he will it in your name?

Wacian: No

DBM: Why do you want to claim it as your own?

Wacian: Because he gave the house deed to me to keep safe

DBM: Was he married?

Wacian: Yes

DBM: He had children?

Wacian: Yes

DBM: How old are they?

Wacian: They’re not babies. That’s the best I can say

DBM: How long was he married?

Wacian: More than 10 years

DBM: Why are you not giving specific answers?

Wacian: Someone who may have known him can connect the dots

DBM: Is this the only property he’s built in Ghana?

Wacian: He has another house that his siblings and parents live in. His wife knows of that one

DBM: Why did he build this house you want take?

Wacian: He had plans of having another child with another woman and raising a second family here.

DBM: Does the other woman know of this building?

Wacian: No

DBM: So, there is another woman?

Wacian: Lol! Other women. He hadn’t settled on one yet

DBM: I see. Is your wife close to his wife or family?

Wacian: No

DBM: Why not?

Wacian: She didn’t like him

DBM: Why is that?

Wacian: She thought he was a bad influence on me

DBM: Was he?

Wacian: No

DBM: How big is this property?

Wacian: It’s an open-floor plan, four bedrooms with high vaulted ceilings, five bathrooms, outdoor spaces and an attached garage. It has an eat-in-kitchen

DBM: Aside raising another family, why do you think he kept such a project from his family of orientation?

Wacian: I don’t know. All he said was, he was building this one just for himself

DBM: There are no secrets in this life, just hidden truths. You know that, no?

Wacian: Dave, we were like brothers. What’s mine was his. That was our brotherly code

DBM: What was his was yours if he wanted it to be

Wacian: I have the house deed

DBM: Why is your wife against this decision?

Wacian: My wife is type always wanting to be the smartest person in the room. She makes everything into an argumentation context just to prove a point. Her first impulse is always to counter any idea I would propose, only to build unnecessary arguments around it.

DBM: Let me guess, a brilliant idea like stealing someone else’s home?

Wacian: You’re funny

DBM: Do I sound funny?

Wacian: Dave, if I said to my wife right now that the sky was blue, she would look up, see blue, and still tell me no, it’s gray

DBM: Hmmm!

Wacian: My friend’s wife is the same. She broke something in him

DBM: Broke what?

Wacian: His jar of marital happiness

DBM: Is yours too broken?

Wacian: Almost. That’s why a lot of men cannot rely on just their wives to make them happy

DBM: I can only imagine the sheer frustration your wife lives in with you, as her husband

Wacian: You don’t know me like that, boss

DBM: Many of us men, unfortunately, do not care. And, that’s the big problem. No woman or partner can fix the good values you have chosen to break in you. We all now tend to put our own selfish desires ahead of what’s right. Our partners no longer are not enough for us because we’d rather prefer to be validated and valued by strangers.

Wacian: Smh!

DBM: Participant 177, Ana, left a question for you ‘If money wasn’t a problem and you had all the resources to live comfortably, would you still be doing the job that you are in currently?’

Wacian: I actually left a job that I hated, yet was paying me the most, to do a job I absolutely love, but is paying me the least. To answer your question, yes, I’d still be doing what I am doing for work now. I am doing what I am passionate about.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Wacian: Do you believe in luck?

DBM: Thank You!

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Ana

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 177: Hello Dave, I’m Ana.

DBM: Hello Ana. How would you describe yourself?

Ana: Modest, hardworking and someone who knows what she wants.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ana: I will say 8

DBM: Why 8, if I may ask? 😊

Ana: Lol! Well, I would have loved to have 3 kids but life is never perfect so l have 2. That is not to say I am not grateful for the 2, but would have been happier.

DBM: I see. 😊. Your husband participated in this experiment a few weeks ago. Did you read our conversation?

Ana: Yes, I did, and read all the comments. Some of the comments were quite interesting and that is why I decided to have this conversation with you.

DBM: Great! What is your take on your husband’s submission?

Ana: 😀 He literally spoke about our belief and how we run our home. Before we proceed Dave, the definition of a “traditional wife in my case is where I hold the fort (as my husband puts it): support my husband to bring the kill and I turn it into something substantial for our common good while using my feminine abilities to provide love and warmth in my home. I am not sure why the mention of “traditional wife” paints the picture of a woman sat at home doing nothing in modern minds. Remember, our grandmothers still went to the farm with our grandfathers and in some cases did ‘Bodwa Bodwa’ (small scale trade) and still played their roles diligently. My husband is mostly away, so it made sense to stay back and take care of the home and our investments.

DBM: How did you and your husband meet?

Ana: Lol! We were childhood friends. I got married to an “area boy”

DBM: Hehehe! What about him got you interested?

Ana: At a glance, what l noticed about him was how gentle, kind and meek he was. And when I got to know him, I realized he was meticulous to a fault. Very organized and someone who plans ahead. Above all he is such a handsome dude.

DBM: Was/is he the type of man you wanted for a husband? As in, your ‘type’?

Ana: Of Course!! My dream man.

DBM: Okay! Prior to marriage, what was your dream in life? What goals did you want to achieve, etc.?

Ana: My dream was to have financial freedom and be in the position to help people.

DBM: What’s your idea of a healthy marriage?

Ana: My idea of a happy marriage is when couples are transparent and are at peace with each other. Good marriage should make couples eager to come home to each other and not the other way round.

DBM: I concur. At what point did you know you wanted to marry your husband?

Ana: Well, I have known him since childhood, so I knew what I was going for, but the highlight was how he included me in all his plans even when the relationship wasn’t official. I realized we had a future together. Thus, we had the same dreams.

DBM: How are you doing as a wife in general?

Ana: I’m doing great as a wife because our plans are working and I’m happy with how far God has brought us.

DBM: What are you most excited about in your marriage during this season of your life?

Ana: I’m excited about how our plans are yielding the expected results as we are working together as a team. The future looks bright.

DBM: What are your biggest fears about your marriage?

Ana: Touchwood! Losing my partner or my little ones.

DBM: Hmmm! I can only imagine. What strengths do you bring to your marriage?

Ana: Hmmm! Dave, my husband’s job is a difficult one but quite rewarding. It takes every aspect of our lives. I’m not on the field with him but I have learned over the years to help emotionally, psychologically, etc. It’s a tough job and I have resolved to be his peace in the midst of everything. Also, coming home to the warmth and love of his family helps a lot. I’m fulfilled when I see him happy.  In addition, he is very busy with work, so I cater for the kids and all other needs for the family.

DBM: Is your love for your husband growing any stronger?

Ana: Lol, sure Dave. He makes me feel loved and appreciated. And that is enough for me.

DBM: Are you satisfied with the amount of time you spend together as a couple, since he seems to travel a lot?

Ana: Physically, I will say the time spent together is not enough, but we know it’s for a good course. Hence, I can’t complain; but technology has made it a little easier. We are constantly on video calls and it helps a lot.

DBM: This is just a random question flashing my thoughts: Which of you would have more happiness if you had more money?

Ana: I think both of us will be happy. Because we have dreams of doing a number of things together and that will help.

DBM: Do you trust your husband to be faithful to you?

Ana: Yes, I do. Humans are not perfect, and he can’t be an exception but his actions and inactions speak a lot about him.

DBM: Maame Somuah wants to know everything about being a ‘traditional wife’ in this fast-paced modern world, and with all of your qualifications

Ana: Dave, As I said earlier, the mention of the term “traditional marriage” created a certain impression. Now, it’s not how much you make as partners that count in this fast-paced world. It’s how much you are able to save and invest. The fact that both parents are busy making money doesn’t always mean they are keeping that money. In my case, I work by managing our projects and assets. The time and pain I take to make sure we get the best value from every penny we invest cannot be underestimated as no third party would have done that without it costing us a fortune.

DBM: Yaaba Ackah-Arthur doesn’t understand why you pursued higher education only to make your degrees redundant? She wants to also know if you have help with house chores or you do it all by yourself? She wants to know what you do when you have your ‘me time’, and your overall plans for the future – when your children are grown and independent?

Ana: Lol! Education is good and the fact that I’m not directly using my qualifications doesn’t mean I have no use for them. An anonymous person once said “University education is like a universal key and with that, one should be able to open a lot of doors”. Formal and informal Education are all important. Should you skip one of them, you lose out on a particular type of exposure. An educated (Formal) wealthy person is not the same as a non-educated wealthy one.

My mother lives with me and she helps from time to time, but I do majority of the chores. What I do with my “me time”…. I love watching movies, documentaries and listens to a lot of audio books – for education and entertainment.

Overall Plans for the future: Myself and my husband day dream about this all the time. We want to work together in family ventures (hospitality, real estate, agriculture and media). Hopefully the kids will tag along. If not, we will keep guiding them on their own’ paths. We plan to go travelling as well if God permit.

DBM: Adwoa Kissiwaa Yeboah is asking whether or not your husband helps with house chores when he is around? She’s also asking, on days you are not on good terms or fight with hubby, does he still provide 100% and take care of you and the home? Her third question is, if your family member (i.e.: parent, siblings) needs financial support, does this fall on your husband?

Ana: My husband sucks at cooking. I think I spoiled him on that. Lol! But he is amazing with taking care of the kids when he is around. In fact, that is his bonding time with them. And yes, he helps out with chores when he’s free. I actually gain weight when he’s home lol. Though we don’t fight often, we do not allow anger to stop us from caring for each other. It’s our rule to sort out any misunderstanding before we go to bed. Until then, I ask him what he wants to have for dinner in an angry tone. And still provides even though he would probably want to “kill” me at the moment.

Dave, you see, that is one problem with a lot of marriages today, individualism though you are seen as couples. But individual differences and actions triggers reactions. Because we work together for common goals, any financial problem from either of both sides is ‘our’ problem. So, we draw from family coffers to solve that problem.

DBM: Princess Korkoi Victory wants to know how you managed to put your zeal to work on hold/dormant? She’s of the opinion that, in-as-much you may be comfortable, there could be an element of loneliness from within, no? She wants to know if you’re doing any side businesses to at least keep you busy? And last but not least, if you put your money into investments that yields profits? She wants you to elaborate on the ventures you’re working on.

Ana: There is no element of loneliness as I’m a very busy person. Again, the goal is to gain financial freedom, and gain control of your time and life, but not just work. You can be the CEO of the biggest firm but your life will be miserable if someone controls your time. We think financial freedom will give us that control and we are working on that, so I’m not dormant. As stated earlier, we are into real estate, agriculture and media, aside my husband’s job.

DBM: Abigail Owusuwaa wants to know if you ever get bored when at home? She also wants to know if your children ever ask why you do not go to work?

Ana: It barely happens as there is always a lot to do. I bake at my free times and teach the kids as well. Yes, they do, but I explain to them that I work part-time as a project manager and take them to the site on weekends and vacations, so they get it. Dave, one thing I want to say is I’m grateful to the sisters on the platform for the concern they showed. But there shouldn’t be a cause to worry. I am covered. Everything we have acquired by the grace of God are in our names (maiden names). And touch wood! If anything happens, we split all into equal halves.

DBM: Participant 176, Ulani, left a question for you: ‘Talk about your best memory of your ex, and teach me how it is okay to think of the good things about mine.’

Ana: Personally, I think ex is for a reason. To dwell on the best memories with your ex, I would rather use that time and energy to create the best moments with my current partner.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ana: If money wasn’t a problem and you had all the resources to live comfortably, would you still be doing the job that you are in currently?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: El Gringo

Let’s Talk To Ulani

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 176: Ulani

DBM: Hi Ulani. How would you describe yourself?

Ulani: I am usually doing what I love, especially if it is what I believe to be made for. But it hasn’t always been that clear and I must admit, I have stumbled quite a few times.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ulani: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ulani: My husband is suggesting to me to find another man to be in a relationship with, and I think I am willing to go out there to find him.

DBM: Are you separated or in the process of getting divorced?

Ulani: No. We’re still married

DBM: I’m confused

Ulani: He’s impregnated another lady, and is expecting his third child. I am unhappy about his actions, and I think this no longer serves the goals we had during the start of our relationship. Also, I am the one doing so much around the house, and with the children. It’s stressing me out.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ulani: 8 years

DBM: How many kids?

Ulani: 2

DBM: What goals did you set at the beginning of your relationship?

Ulani: We made a decision to always attend to our relationship so we don’t run the risk of becoming complacent and stagnant. At the moment, I feel like there is no real connection or intimacy. He doesn’t know what’s going on in my mind and I am not interested in knowing what is going on in his.

DBM: Was his suggestion of finding another man to shut you up or it’s an indication of him not being happy in the marriage with you?

Ulani: My husband knows that I speak up and would directly spell out my wants and needs as honest as possible to give him the chance to be there for me in ways I desire. I have encouraged the same from him. If he was not happy, he could have made me know.

DBM: I see

Ulani: I want to start dating again

DBM: While married?

Ulani: Is it a crime? Others are doing it! Besides, in my heart, we’ve broken up. He’s moved on; just yet to move out. We’re rarely in the same space though we live together

DBM: Question

Ulani: Ask

DBM: Are you mad at him? Angry, hurt, embittered, etc.

Ulani: I am only disappointed in my husband. He let me down. He let us down by betraying our dream. I feel like he took our history and experience for granted.

DBM: Have you told him this?

Ulani: I have

DBM: And?

Ulani: He said it’s already happened and there’s nothing he can do change reality

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Ulani: I do not, unfortunately. But I used to

DBM: If you really are considering dating another man before your divorce is final, please do consider getting some legal guidance first. I feel like it could be used against you

Ulani: Used against me?

DBM: Yes. A new relationship could potentially harm you in court

Ulani: I have no intention of using his situation against him, so why would he use something against me?

DBM: I don’t know the extent things have gone out of hand, but I feel like you will still keep him in your life to co-parent your children. You need to consider his feelings, no?

Ulani: I have considered his feelings. He knows I am no longer interested in giving him my best, and he’s cool with it

DBM: How about your children?

Ulani: What about them?

DBM: Have you considered the confusion this arrangement might bring to them? Seeing their mother and father with other people, etc. I am only looking at the devastation it comes with

Ulani: Our first child is indifferent. We talked about it and he is very much in support of mummy finding another man to make me happy. He says his father is very happy with Aunty Aba, and he is excited about his new baby brother or sister in her womb.

DBM: How old is your son?

Ulani: 7

DBM: And he knows about the other woman?

Ulani: Yes. His father takes them along on weekends to see her.

DBM: I see. How old is the second child?

Ulani: She’s 5

DBM: I see.

Ulani: You see a lot. What do you see?

DBM: Lol!

Ulani: I’m excited about going on the dating world again. Any advice from Mr. David Bondze-Mbir?

DBM: I don’t know.

Ulani: Really?

DBM: Just be thinking seriously about the long-term impact a man will make on your life, and most importantly, your psyche.

Ulani: Can I ask a personal question?

DBM: Yes please

Ulani: What made you choose the person you married?

DBM: We all have our criteria and checklists when looking for love. I set out to find that person who could make me forget about my list.

Ulani: Oh wow!

DBM: Love and, or marriage should not at any point be a weight around your neck. It should be an experience of open doors of possibility and grace.

Ulani: Is that what you have?

DBM: That is all I give, and have been given thus far

Ulani: Lucky You

DBM: Why?

Ulani: I feel like a failure. 8 years of my life all gone to the drain

DBM: You only feel this way if you think you did not live for you, but rather lived for someone else. Eight years of building an experience with the one you loved isn’t waste. It’s a win with lessons to be learned.

Ulani: You think so?

DBM: I believe so. The way you nurtured this relationship into marriage is the same way you will nourish the next relationship into something good.

Ulani: But my husband messed it up for me

DBM: It’s his loss, not yours. A man who cannot be true to his vows cannot make a relationship with another person a priority.

Ulani: You’re a good counselor.

DBM: I am not a counselor. I only enjoy chatting with people when I am in the mood. Participant 175, Shalom, left a question for you: ‘What makes you scream and cum, melting you into a puddle of nothingness?

Ulani: I love to make love in the bedroom but I also want variety. So, I keep sex exciting by exploring new places to play with my man. I scream and orgasm a lot when we fuck in the kitchen, car or the chair in our backyard. Sex in new areas is fun and would present creative opportunities to experiment roleplay

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ulani: Talk about your best memory of your ex, and teach me how it is okay to think of the good things about mine.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ricaldo Donaldson

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