Dinner Talks

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

One of the ladies is in her third marriage, which is now in its 24th year. She is 56 years of age, and her partner is 62. He is in his second marriage to/with her. (C.A) The second couple have been married for 19 years, and they’re each other’s first marriage. The lady is 48 and her partner is 53. (S.O) The third family is in their 40th year of marriage and are both in their mid-seventies. (P.U) The fourth couple have done 12 years in marriage; she is 41 and her partner is 37. It’s the 37-year-old guy’s first marriage while the 41-year-old is in her second marriage. (K.G). (D.M) are the fifth couple and youngest in marriage. They’re both 39 years of age.

WHY DID YOU CHOOSE TO SETTLE DOWN WITH YOUR SPOUSE?

C.A: We chose each other with both foots in.
S.O: We were not compatible but we were content with how we had grown and learned to fit in each other’s lives as friends.
P.U: We could handle our lives even when it got messy.
K.G: We made each other happy and wanted to take advantage of the experience. We understood tomorrow isn’t promised.
D.M: We just knew we were what we wanted for each other. It was a crazy decision but we took it regardless.

IS LOVE WORTH SACRIFICING FOR?

C.A: Of course; love is all about sacrifice
S.O: Yes
P.U: I cater for my wife’s needs at all times. I will do anything in my capacity to make her happy. She makes the same effort for me
K.G: It is. We are worth sacrificing for
D.M: Indeed! We’ve been intentional about doing the best we can to put the other at ease.

WHAT MISTAKES HAVE YOU MADE IN THIS MARRIAGE?

C.A: Cheating on C
S.O: Having an affair and almost costing my marriage to O
P.U: Not standing up for myself earlier in the relationship when P was taking me for granted
K.G: Cheating and lying to G
D.M: Taking for granted M’s need to want to be in my embrace, with our hands wrapped around each other in a cuddle. I have always wanted my space and didn’t want anyone touching or breathing around me while asleep.

ARE YOU CONTENT WITH YOUR PARTNER?

C.A: Yes
S.O: Yes
P.U: Yes
K.G: Yes
D.M: Yes

DO YOU SEE YOURSELF CHEATING ON YOUR SPOUSE?

C: No!
A: I doubt that
S: I don’t think so
O: No!
P: Not sure
U: No!
K: Not really
G: No!
D: I don’t know

M: No!

WHO GETS ON THE NERVES OF THE OTHER WITH A BAD CHARACTER?

C: A
A: I do
S: Me
O: S
P: I can be bad
U: P
K: I’m a rough diamond
G: K
D: I can be a handful
M: D

WHAT IS YOUR GOAL FOR YOUR MARRIAGE?

C: Make it a human experience with less expectations
A: To make it a success story
S: Grow together as a team
O: Build something meaningful and exceptional together
P: To experience new things together to draw us closer
U: To always have something to aim for so I don’t lose interest in my husband
K: Make good memories
G: Glorifying God in all situations
D: Finding my purpose in M’s life and fulfilling it
M: Finding a middle point where we both can be happy

IS LOVING AND/BEING WITH ONLY YOUR PARTNER ENOUGH FOR YOU?

C: Yes
A: No
S: One woman cannot satisfy a man’s needs
O: Yes
P: I believe so
U: Yes
K: It depends on how creative the other is willing to become
G: Yes
D: I can choose to be content.
M: Yes

LESSON LEARNT THUS FAR FROM YOUR EXPERIENCE

C: Make your spouse your priority, appreciate and value them.
A: It’s okay to sometimes go to bed mad. A good night’s sleep can help open up your emotions and also guide you to fight fairly.
S: It’s not always important to be right. Just be kind
O: Marriage will not be the center of my life. I have a life of my own to live
P: Have a lot of sex and be physically intimate
U: Not to allow our children to take up so much of our mental space, energy and money. My husband gets equal share of my energy and we spend on ourselves and have a lot of fun.
K: Our marriage is a partnership and has not always been 50/50
G: Communicate and try to understand the other person. This will lead to support and ultimately, love
D: Your marriage, your choice. Get your start with your partner, and GOD, and so not be distracted by the opinions of others.
M: I do not say things I do not mean to regret later. I’ve learnt when to hold my tongue

Image Credit: Gabby K

Let’s Talk To Wacian

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 178: Wacian

DBM: Hi Wacian. How would you describe yourself?

Wacian: A man that God is with and for, and is fighting for me every single moment of every single day.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Wacian: 9.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wacian: My friend died last year. He lived abroad. He used to stay with me anytime he visited Gh, till he built his own house. No member of his family knows about this property. He had his reasons for keeping it a secret. I have the main keys while he kept a spare. Now that he’s no more, I want to take over the property but my wife is accusing me of attempting to steal.

DBM: Are you attempting to steal it?

Wacian: No

DBM: Did he will it in your name?

Wacian: No

DBM: Why do you want to claim it as your own?

Wacian: Because he gave the house deed to me to keep safe

DBM: Was he married?

Wacian: Yes

DBM: He had children?

Wacian: Yes

DBM: How old are they?

Wacian: They’re not babies. That’s the best I can say

DBM: How long was he married?

Wacian: More than 10 years

DBM: Why are you not giving specific answers?

Wacian: Someone who may have known him can connect the dots

DBM: Is this the only property he’s built in Ghana?

Wacian: He has another house that his siblings and parents live in. His wife knows of that one

DBM: Why did he build this house you want take?

Wacian: He had plans of having another child with another woman and raising a second family here.

DBM: Does the other woman know of this building?

Wacian: No

DBM: So, there is another woman?

Wacian: Lol! Other women. He hadn’t settled on one yet

DBM: I see. Is your wife close to his wife or family?

Wacian: No

DBM: Why not?

Wacian: She didn’t like him

DBM: Why is that?

Wacian: She thought he was a bad influence on me

DBM: Was he?

Wacian: No

DBM: How big is this property?

Wacian: It’s an open-floor plan, four bedrooms with high vaulted ceilings, five bathrooms, outdoor spaces and an attached garage. It has an eat-in-kitchen

DBM: Aside raising another family, why do you think he kept such a project from his family of orientation?

Wacian: I don’t know. All he said was, he was building this one just for himself

DBM: There are no secrets in this life, just hidden truths. You know that, no?

Wacian: Dave, we were like brothers. What’s mine was his. That was our brotherly code

DBM: What was his was yours if he wanted it to be

Wacian: I have the house deed

DBM: Why is your wife against this decision?

Wacian: My wife is type always wanting to be the smartest person in the room. She makes everything into an argumentation context just to prove a point. Her first impulse is always to counter any idea I would propose, only to build unnecessary arguments around it.

DBM: Let me guess, a brilliant idea like stealing someone else’s home?

Wacian: You’re funny

DBM: Do I sound funny?

Wacian: Dave, if I said to my wife right now that the sky was blue, she would look up, see blue, and still tell me no, it’s gray

DBM: Hmmm!

Wacian: My friend’s wife is the same. She broke something in him

DBM: Broke what?

Wacian: His jar of marital happiness

DBM: Is yours too broken?

Wacian: Almost. That’s why a lot of men cannot rely on just their wives to make them happy

DBM: I can only imagine the sheer frustration your wife lives in with you, as her husband

Wacian: You don’t know me like that, boss

DBM: Many of us men, unfortunately, do not care. And, that’s the big problem. No woman or partner can fix the good values you have chosen to break in you. We all now tend to put our own selfish desires ahead of what’s right. Our partners no longer are not enough for us because we’d rather prefer to be validated and valued by strangers.

Wacian: Smh!

DBM: Participant 177, Ana, left a question for you ‘If money wasn’t a problem and you had all the resources to live comfortably, would you still be doing the job that you are in currently?’

Wacian: I actually left a job that I hated, yet was paying me the most, to do a job I absolutely love, but is paying me the least. To answer your question, yes, I’d still be doing what I am doing for work now. I am doing what I am passionate about.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Wacian: Do you believe in luck?

DBM: Thank You!

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Ana

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 177: Hello Dave, I’m Ana.

DBM: Hello Ana. How would you describe yourself?

Ana: Modest, hardworking and someone who knows what she wants.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ana: I will say 8

DBM: Why 8, if I may ask? 😊

Ana: Lol! Well, I would have loved to have 3 kids but life is never perfect so l have 2. That is not to say I am not grateful for the 2, but would have been happier.

DBM: I see. 😊. Your husband participated in this experiment a few weeks ago. Did you read our conversation?

Ana: Yes, I did, and read all the comments. Some of the comments were quite interesting and that is why I decided to have this conversation with you.

DBM: Great! What is your take on your husband’s submission?

Ana: 😀 He literally spoke about our belief and how we run our home. Before we proceed Dave, the definition of a “traditional wife in my case is where I hold the fort (as my husband puts it): support my husband to bring the kill and I turn it into something substantial for our common good while using my feminine abilities to provide love and warmth in my home. I am not sure why the mention of “traditional wife” paints the picture of a woman sat at home doing nothing in modern minds. Remember, our grandmothers still went to the farm with our grandfathers and in some cases did ‘Bodwa Bodwa’ (small scale trade) and still played their roles diligently. My husband is mostly away, so it made sense to stay back and take care of the home and our investments.

DBM: How did you and your husband meet?

Ana: Lol! We were childhood friends. I got married to an “area boy”

DBM: Hehehe! What about him got you interested?

Ana: At a glance, what l noticed about him was how gentle, kind and meek he was. And when I got to know him, I realized he was meticulous to a fault. Very organized and someone who plans ahead. Above all he is such a handsome dude.

DBM: Was/is he the type of man you wanted for a husband? As in, your ‘type’?

Ana: Of Course!! My dream man.

DBM: Okay! Prior to marriage, what was your dream in life? What goals did you want to achieve, etc.?

Ana: My dream was to have financial freedom and be in the position to help people.

DBM: What’s your idea of a healthy marriage?

Ana: My idea of a happy marriage is when couples are transparent and are at peace with each other. Good marriage should make couples eager to come home to each other and not the other way round.

DBM: I concur. At what point did you know you wanted to marry your husband?

Ana: Well, I have known him since childhood, so I knew what I was going for, but the highlight was how he included me in all his plans even when the relationship wasn’t official. I realized we had a future together. Thus, we had the same dreams.

DBM: How are you doing as a wife in general?

Ana: I’m doing great as a wife because our plans are working and I’m happy with how far God has brought us.

DBM: What are you most excited about in your marriage during this season of your life?

Ana: I’m excited about how our plans are yielding the expected results as we are working together as a team. The future looks bright.

DBM: What are your biggest fears about your marriage?

Ana: Touchwood! Losing my partner or my little ones.

DBM: Hmmm! I can only imagine. What strengths do you bring to your marriage?

Ana: Hmmm! Dave, my husband’s job is a difficult one but quite rewarding. It takes every aspect of our lives. I’m not on the field with him but I have learned over the years to help emotionally, psychologically, etc. It’s a tough job and I have resolved to be his peace in the midst of everything. Also, coming home to the warmth and love of his family helps a lot. I’m fulfilled when I see him happy.  In addition, he is very busy with work, so I cater for the kids and all other needs for the family.

DBM: Is your love for your husband growing any stronger?

Ana: Lol, sure Dave. He makes me feel loved and appreciated. And that is enough for me.

DBM: Are you satisfied with the amount of time you spend together as a couple, since he seems to travel a lot?

Ana: Physically, I will say the time spent together is not enough, but we know it’s for a good course. Hence, I can’t complain; but technology has made it a little easier. We are constantly on video calls and it helps a lot.

DBM: This is just a random question flashing my thoughts: Which of you would have more happiness if you had more money?

Ana: I think both of us will be happy. Because we have dreams of doing a number of things together and that will help.

DBM: Do you trust your husband to be faithful to you?

Ana: Yes, I do. Humans are not perfect, and he can’t be an exception but his actions and inactions speak a lot about him.

DBM: Maame Somuah wants to know everything about being a ‘traditional wife’ in this fast-paced modern world, and with all of your qualifications

Ana: Dave, As I said earlier, the mention of the term “traditional marriage” created a certain impression. Now, it’s not how much you make as partners that count in this fast-paced world. It’s how much you are able to save and invest. The fact that both parents are busy making money doesn’t always mean they are keeping that money. In my case, I work by managing our projects and assets. The time and pain I take to make sure we get the best value from every penny we invest cannot be underestimated as no third party would have done that without it costing us a fortune.

DBM: Yaaba Ackah-Arthur doesn’t understand why you pursued higher education only to make your degrees redundant? She wants to also know if you have help with house chores or you do it all by yourself? She wants to know what you do when you have your ‘me time’, and your overall plans for the future – when your children are grown and independent?

Ana: Lol! Education is good and the fact that I’m not directly using my qualifications doesn’t mean I have no use for them. An anonymous person once said “University education is like a universal key and with that, one should be able to open a lot of doors”. Formal and informal Education are all important. Should you skip one of them, you lose out on a particular type of exposure. An educated (Formal) wealthy person is not the same as a non-educated wealthy one.

My mother lives with me and she helps from time to time, but I do majority of the chores. What I do with my “me time”…. I love watching movies, documentaries and listens to a lot of audio books – for education and entertainment.

Overall Plans for the future: Myself and my husband day dream about this all the time. We want to work together in family ventures (hospitality, real estate, agriculture and media). Hopefully the kids will tag along. If not, we will keep guiding them on their own’ paths. We plan to go travelling as well if God permit.

DBM: Adwoa Kissiwaa Yeboah is asking whether or not your husband helps with house chores when he is around? She’s also asking, on days you are not on good terms or fight with hubby, does he still provide 100% and take care of you and the home? Her third question is, if your family member (i.e.: parent, siblings) needs financial support, does this fall on your husband?

Ana: My husband sucks at cooking. I think I spoiled him on that. Lol! But he is amazing with taking care of the kids when he is around. In fact, that is his bonding time with them. And yes, he helps out with chores when he’s free. I actually gain weight when he’s home lol. Though we don’t fight often, we do not allow anger to stop us from caring for each other. It’s our rule to sort out any misunderstanding before we go to bed. Until then, I ask him what he wants to have for dinner in an angry tone. And still provides even though he would probably want to “kill” me at the moment.

Dave, you see, that is one problem with a lot of marriages today, individualism though you are seen as couples. But individual differences and actions triggers reactions. Because we work together for common goals, any financial problem from either of both sides is ‘our’ problem. So, we draw from family coffers to solve that problem.

DBM: Princess Korkoi Victory wants to know how you managed to put your zeal to work on hold/dormant? She’s of the opinion that, in-as-much you may be comfortable, there could be an element of loneliness from within, no? She wants to know if you’re doing any side businesses to at least keep you busy? And last but not least, if you put your money into investments that yields profits? She wants you to elaborate on the ventures you’re working on.

Ana: There is no element of loneliness as I’m a very busy person. Again, the goal is to gain financial freedom, and gain control of your time and life, but not just work. You can be the CEO of the biggest firm but your life will be miserable if someone controls your time. We think financial freedom will give us that control and we are working on that, so I’m not dormant. As stated earlier, we are into real estate, agriculture and media, aside my husband’s job.

DBM: Abigail Owusuwaa wants to know if you ever get bored when at home? She also wants to know if your children ever ask why you do not go to work?

Ana: It barely happens as there is always a lot to do. I bake at my free times and teach the kids as well. Yes, they do, but I explain to them that I work part-time as a project manager and take them to the site on weekends and vacations, so they get it. Dave, one thing I want to say is I’m grateful to the sisters on the platform for the concern they showed. But there shouldn’t be a cause to worry. I am covered. Everything we have acquired by the grace of God are in our names (maiden names). And touch wood! If anything happens, we split all into equal halves.

DBM: Participant 176, Ulani, left a question for you: ‘Talk about your best memory of your ex, and teach me how it is okay to think of the good things about mine.’

Ana: Personally, I think ex is for a reason. To dwell on the best memories with your ex, I would rather use that time and energy to create the best moments with my current partner.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ana: If money wasn’t a problem and you had all the resources to live comfortably, would you still be doing the job that you are in currently?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: El Gringo

Let’s Talk To Ulani

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 176: Ulani

DBM: Hi Ulani. How would you describe yourself?

Ulani: I am usually doing what I love, especially if it is what I believe to be made for. But it hasn’t always been that clear and I must admit, I have stumbled quite a few times.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ulani: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ulani: My husband is suggesting to me to find another man to be in a relationship with, and I think I am willing to go out there to find him.

DBM: Are you separated or in the process of getting divorced?

Ulani: No. We’re still married

DBM: I’m confused

Ulani: He’s impregnated another lady, and is expecting his third child. I am unhappy about his actions, and I think this no longer serves the goals we had during the start of our relationship. Also, I am the one doing so much around the house, and with the children. It’s stressing me out.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ulani: 8 years

DBM: How many kids?

Ulani: 2

DBM: What goals did you set at the beginning of your relationship?

Ulani: We made a decision to always attend to our relationship so we don’t run the risk of becoming complacent and stagnant. At the moment, I feel like there is no real connection or intimacy. He doesn’t know what’s going on in my mind and I am not interested in knowing what is going on in his.

DBM: Was his suggestion of finding another man to shut you up or it’s an indication of him not being happy in the marriage with you?

Ulani: My husband knows that I speak up and would directly spell out my wants and needs as honest as possible to give him the chance to be there for me in ways I desire. I have encouraged the same from him. If he was not happy, he could have made me know.

DBM: I see

Ulani: I want to start dating again

DBM: While married?

Ulani: Is it a crime? Others are doing it! Besides, in my heart, we’ve broken up. He’s moved on; just yet to move out. We’re rarely in the same space though we live together

DBM: Question

Ulani: Ask

DBM: Are you mad at him? Angry, hurt, embittered, etc.

Ulani: I am only disappointed in my husband. He let me down. He let us down by betraying our dream. I feel like he took our history and experience for granted.

DBM: Have you told him this?

Ulani: I have

DBM: And?

Ulani: He said it’s already happened and there’s nothing he can do change reality

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Ulani: I do not, unfortunately. But I used to

DBM: If you really are considering dating another man before your divorce is final, please do consider getting some legal guidance first. I feel like it could be used against you

Ulani: Used against me?

DBM: Yes. A new relationship could potentially harm you in court

Ulani: I have no intention of using his situation against him, so why would he use something against me?

DBM: I don’t know the extent things have gone out of hand, but I feel like you will still keep him in your life to co-parent your children. You need to consider his feelings, no?

Ulani: I have considered his feelings. He knows I am no longer interested in giving him my best, and he’s cool with it

DBM: How about your children?

Ulani: What about them?

DBM: Have you considered the confusion this arrangement might bring to them? Seeing their mother and father with other people, etc. I am only looking at the devastation it comes with

Ulani: Our first child is indifferent. We talked about it and he is very much in support of mummy finding another man to make me happy. He says his father is very happy with Aunty Aba, and he is excited about his new baby brother or sister in her womb.

DBM: How old is your son?

Ulani: 7

DBM: And he knows about the other woman?

Ulani: Yes. His father takes them along on weekends to see her.

DBM: I see. How old is the second child?

Ulani: She’s 5

DBM: I see.

Ulani: You see a lot. What do you see?

DBM: Lol!

Ulani: I’m excited about going on the dating world again. Any advice from Mr. David Bondze-Mbir?

DBM: I don’t know.

Ulani: Really?

DBM: Just be thinking seriously about the long-term impact a man will make on your life, and most importantly, your psyche.

Ulani: Can I ask a personal question?

DBM: Yes please

Ulani: What made you choose the person you married?

DBM: We all have our criteria and checklists when looking for love. I set out to find that person who could make me forget about my list.

Ulani: Oh wow!

DBM: Love and, or marriage should not at any point be a weight around your neck. It should be an experience of open doors of possibility and grace.

Ulani: Is that what you have?

DBM: That is all I give, and have been given thus far

Ulani: Lucky You

DBM: Why?

Ulani: I feel like a failure. 8 years of my life all gone to the drain

DBM: You only feel this way if you think you did not live for you, but rather lived for someone else. Eight years of building an experience with the one you loved isn’t waste. It’s a win with lessons to be learned.

Ulani: You think so?

DBM: I believe so. The way you nurtured this relationship into marriage is the same way you will nourish the next relationship into something good.

Ulani: But my husband messed it up for me

DBM: It’s his loss, not yours. A man who cannot be true to his vows cannot make a relationship with another person a priority.

Ulani: You’re a good counselor.

DBM: I am not a counselor. I only enjoy chatting with people when I am in the mood. Participant 175, Shalom, left a question for you: ‘What makes you scream and cum, melting you into a puddle of nothingness?

Ulani: I love to make love in the bedroom but I also want variety. So, I keep sex exciting by exploring new places to play with my man. I scream and orgasm a lot when we fuck in the kitchen, car or the chair in our backyard. Sex in new areas is fun and would present creative opportunities to experiment roleplay

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ulani: Talk about your best memory of your ex, and teach me how it is okay to think of the good things about mine.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ricaldo Donaldson

Let’s Talk To Shalom

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 175: I am Shalom

DBM: Hello Shalom. How would you describe yourself?

Shalom: A man who loves to take himself off on a little sexual odyssey. I give my body the fun it deserves and nothing is suppressed.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Shalom: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Shalom: My wife found disturbing videos on my phone and I am not sure what she’s going to do with what she knows

DBM: How disturbing are the videos?

Shalom: Porn

DBM: She will get over it

Shalom: Gay porn

DBM: Are you gay?

Shalom: No!

DBM: So, why that kind of material?

Shalom: I was just curious

DBM: Tell her that

Shalom: She wouldn’t believe me

DBM: Why not?

Shalom: She read my conversations with a few guys

DBM: Friends?

Shalom: Kind-of

DBM: Okay?

Shalom: Friends with benefits

DBM: Sexual benefits?

Shalom: Yeah

DBM: How long have you been doing this?

Shalom: A while

DBM: Put a number to the ‘while’

Shalom: Nine to 10 years, maybe

DBM: How long have you been married?

Shalom: I cannot say

DBM: Why not?

Shalom: I’m just being careful with what I say. My wife or her friends may chance on this, and can put two-and-two together

DBM: Do you use protection when having sexual intercourse with men?

Shalom: Sometimes

DBM: How often is ‘sometimes?’

Shalom: Not that often

DBM: How many men have you slept with this year?

Shalom: About 6 or 7

DBM: Random people or these are guys you know?

Shalom: I know three. The rest are just hookups here and there

DBM: How many women, aside your wife, have you slept with this year?

Shalom: My wife is the only woman I sleep with

DBM: A straight guy, sleeping with just his wife but has been with 6 to 7 men this year? How fascinating do you think this is?

Shalom: I crave to be with men sometimes, but it doesn’t make me gay

DBM: You really want to know what I’m thinking?

Shalom: Yeah!

DBM: You have intentionally stolen the life your wife could have had with a straight man who would love on only her.

Shalom: I understand what you’re saying, but I really love my wife. The guys I meet are all straight. They’re married with families too. It doesn’t make us gay

DBM: If you say so

Shalom: Gays develop emotional attachments with the same sex. We’re just interested in the sex and physical contact. Nothing more

DBM: One of my high-school mates, Julian, always claims, he is not a crack addict, even though he smokes crack almost every day, and cannot function without it.

Shalom: It’s not the same

DBM: How about this, ‘I am not a surgeon but I have performed 6 to 7 surgeries this year”

Shalom: I am a straight man, married to the woman of my life. What you’re also not understanding is that, women generally, are for stability. Men are for sex

DBM: You’re not being fair to your wife. You’re not being honest with yourself

Shalom: I take very good care of my wife

DBM: Then why are you bothered she’s figured you out?

Shalom: I need someone to talk to

DBM: Talk to your wife. She’s the best person to reason with

Shalom: She will not understand me

DBM: I do not understand you either. You’ve eaten a whole lot of meat this year alone, yet you think yourself to be vegetarian?

Shalom: Why do you want me to accept something I am telling you I am not?

DBM: I am not forcing you to accept anything. I’m just drawing your attention to the fact that; you are an intricate tapestry woven from the threads of denial and love. And I feel awful for your wife. Any wife would feel disgusted and devastated by their husbands doing this

Shalom: Even though I am doing everything a man has to do to keep his wife and children happy?

DBM: What you are doing is extremely selfish

Shalom: I know

DBM: And dangerous

Shalom: I am not harming anyone

DBM: Are you getting tested?

Shalom: Of what?

DBM: STI’s

Shalom: I’m good

DBM: Being single is equally a good option. You know that, no?

Shalom: I want to stay married

DBM: Good for you

Shalom: How do I go about my situation?

DBM: Sincerity is best served with the truth. Tell your wife the truth. This also means you take her feelings seriously

Shalom: I can’t tell her the whole truth

DBM: Why not?

Shalom: I just can’t

DBM: Again, you’re solely responsible for your behavior, and the fact that you’re choosing to downplay the situation at hand – says it all.

Shalom: Do you believe she can forgive me?

DBM: The pain experienced when hurt by our loved ones take time to heal.

Shalom: Hmm!

DBM: Also, since it’s just ‘sex’ that you guys are into, know that your sexual partners have sexual partners, who also have their own sets of sexual partners. The circle keeps drawing till one of you infects the circle with a deadly disease.

Shalom: I regret that she had to find out this way

DBM: It may take her time to wrap her head around this. Everyone heals at their own pace

Shalom: Thanks for your time

DBM: Participant 174, AJ, left a question for you: ‘Who benefits in marriage the most… men or women?’

Shalom: I believe marriage just shows up for men while women are conditioned from a very young age to aspire to get married and have children. A woman will always be an available commodity a man can easily find when he is ready to settle down.

DBM: So, who benefits the most?

Shalom: The man. The game is fixed in our favor, no matter what

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Shalom: What makes you scream and cum, melting you into a puddle of nothingness?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Daniel Torobekov

Let’s Talk To AJ

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 174: AJ

DBM: Hi AJ. How would you describe yourself?

AJ: Very hard working and believe in the traditional family system. Very calm and difficult to be angered.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

AJ: 9. I would have said 10 but I don’t want to get too complacent with life

DBM: 😊 I see. What do you want to talk about?

AJ: I have a lot to talk about but I’m not sure a single chat would do justice. I feel the new generation’s view about marriage is being tainted hence blocking the blessings God can bestow on them through good marriage. This I think is because of the magnification of unsuccessful unions while keeping successful ones obscure. Hence promoting lack of trust and selfishness in marriage. I just want someone to know that good marriage ls exist.

DBM: I believe good marriages do exist too. How long have you been married?

AJ: Known my wife for 14 years married for 10

DBM: Oh nice! What really is your view on marriage?

AJ: I believe in what we term traditional marriage. I believe men and women are not the same but have their own unique powers to support each other. And once they all play their God given role diligently, that’s where God releases his unimaginable blessings on them. And it will be like a miracle.

DBM: In your opinion, what is a man’s unique power – in relation to supporting his partner?

AJ: In my humble opinion, men were given testosterone (the stronger hormone if I’m right) for a reason. To fight, to provide and protect the wife. I feel a husband shouldn’t care what a woman brings to the table FINANCIALLY. Any man who sees that it’s his duty to provide for his family will never lack ideas to make provision. Such men possess the abundance mindset.

DBM: Hmmm! Can you build on the abundance mindset?

AJ: The ability to always find means to provide for the family. Industrious. Not scared of getting his hands dirty as long as it brings a kill for the woman to turn into a meal

DBM: Okay!

AJ: For example, I am in an industry where I’m sent away to work abroad a lot. So, my wife working was a no-no! Now, it would have been easy for my wife to decline staying at home and looking after our kids, but she trusted me to go and fight for both of us. And I, in turn assured her that whatever I get is registered in both of our names. And through this mutual trust, I’ve managed to progress in my career and built wealth for the both of us. I can say my stay-at-home wife is worth more than half of the career wives. All because of building mutual trust and playing our God-given roles in our union.

DBM: What is a wife’s unique power to support her partner?

AJ: The wife possess estrogen. To love and to nurture. My wonderful wife has got this magic to make our home warm and lovely. One time, our baby boy was restless and it had passed his sleep time. I had tried everything to get him to rest but couldn’t. My half-asleep wife just went give him a pack of biscuit and water. And voilà, the boy was asleep halfway into the biscuit. There are more instances at home that I was clueless and she came to the rescue. Another one is her prayers. A man supports a woman physically and a woman supports a man spiritually.

Her love: I mostly come home a broken man. And a warm hug from my wife would be all that is needed to get me patched up and ready to go again the next day. It’s frustrating to say the least, that all these are being undermined by men of today – all because it’s not linked directly with finances. But spiritually it provokes the creation of wealth.

DBM: These are interesting examples. Thanks for sharing. So, you feel a wife’s duty, to some extent is to accompany her husband to achieve his dreams so he can support her and the future of their marriage?

AJ: It was made that way. I understand there will be instances where it will probably be prudent for the man to stay at home which is fine. But the man in my opinion will not be able to do it as good as the woman; and vice versa. This is where trust comes in. Both parties will need to put themselves on the side for the betterment of the union. My wife had trust issues when we started. But I allowed her to heal by being transparent with my finances. I told her whatever little she made can be kept but I will provide for both of us and I did. Now, she supports so much that I know my kids and my home are in good hands when on the road.

Most of my colleagues whose partners declined to support at home struggles financially due to lack of progress in their career; and not really peaceful at home as well. I feel it’s better if both can play this God given role. That’s my opinion.

DBM: Very well noted!

AJ: Look at it this way Dave, most men go behind their career women to cheat with women that have time for them. Why don’t they ask what those women bring to the table? I feel men want a woman that will give them the love whenever they need it. I may be wrong though.

DBM: I am glad you have it all figured out at home. Are you cheating or have you ever cheated on your wife since you got married?

AJ: Thanks for asking this question. I’ve never and as far as I know I’ve not been cheated on. Faithfulness in marriage is the final catalyst to this blessing I’m banging on about. The moment one of us cheat in the union, it affects the trust and shakes the balance of this success. Have I ever thought of doing it, YES. But I’ve got a lot to lose if I do. I want to encourage our generation to stop wasting money on short-term pleasure that will end up blocking our long-term success.

DBM: Interesting

AJ: On second thought, I did cheat the first year as her boyfriend. This was during our dating phase. I was trying to cut ties with someone I was casually seeing. That stage taught me a lot of lessons. I lost money, trust for my then new girlfriend and nearly lost my job. I have never cheated after that and since marriage.

DBM: Good to know!

AJ: I just want to say marriage, when done to the best of our abilities, as in being selfless and transparent always, will lead to a happy life. I’ve witnessed it and I’ve experienced it. Both parties just need to make promoting trust their outmost mission and they will thank me later.

DBM: Something I’ve realized is, a lot of guys go into marriage with their lives well planned out. But then, life happens and everything is kinda, interrupted. This, suddenly takes a toll on the relationship. What is a man supposed to do when he loses that dream job or the marriage itself isn’t everything he hoped for?

AJ: Firstly, you have to have emotional intelligence before getting into marriage. Don’t go into marriage because of looks and love. Ask yourself a lot of questions that has nothing to do with ‘love’ before entering into marriage. Don’t be an idealist; be a realist. Can you believe I looked at my girlfriend’s (now my wife) mum and grandmother just to ask myself if I would still find her attractive when she ended up looking like them?

You have to convince yourself that once you go in you are in. DON’T IGNORE the slightest red flag. Now when you go in make sure you don’t quit. The difference between success and failure is quitting. Unless your life is in danger. For the road to success is never straightforward, including marriage. We’ve been through a lot as a family. We’ve lost kids and money. Third parties have come in to shake the foundation but focusing on my wife alone even has helped increase my love and lust for her. The moment you start dividing or diverting your attention, you divide or divert your feelings for each other. Which will make you feel you are not meant for each other. Just keep focusing on each other.

DBM: What’s your take on doing everything together as a married unit and one’s need for their ‘me-time’?

AJ: I feel good partners work and play together. It increases the bond and the sense of achievement of goals. Like seeing each other as your ride-or-die. However, it’s always good to allow your partner to explore the world without you as well. It conditions them to both cultivate the skill of surviving without you, and also appreciate life with you. I’d push my wife to go out with responsible friends knowing she will be having fun; and also increase my yearn for her as I realize how much I miss her when she’s away. We just have to maintain the balance.

DBM: What does a successful marriage look like to you?

AJ: Where both partners do not regret meeting each other. As long as each party is getting what they perceive as ‘happiness’ from the union. Now we should also note that life is not all about happiness. So, in our quest for happiness, we need to also exercise a sense of contentment and not to push the goal post of happiness further and further. You end up chasing your tail.

DBM: What’s your take on open-marriages?

AJ: One of my prides being with my partner as a man is having sole access to my wife’s body and her God-given powers. And I believe if that’s the case for me, so it will be with my wife. No one can serve two masters without loving one more than the other. It always shakes the foundations of trust in the marriage. It always ends in jealousy and resentment.

DBM: By the time a man or woman gets serious to the stage of signing a marriage certificate, they’re of the opinion that they know everything there is to know about each other. Can one truly know someone enough?

AJ: One can never know their partners enough; not even during the marriage. But one should make it a point to know what their partner stands for and where they want to be in life; and make sure it aligns with theirs. One should also prevent themselves from the element of shock by expecting the worst from their partners, and formulate a plan on how they would deal with that situation. That doesn’t mean being sneaky and hiding things behind each other’s back. That’s why I say, ask yourself a lot of questions before marriage. What if this happens and what if that happens! I believe it’s easy to forgive or deal with a situation when the surprise element is less. For example, I’m happy to share my properties with my wife if she wakes up one day and all of a sudden makes a U-turn on our marriage. Because I’ve played it out in my head so many times. Hope for the best and expect the worst in every situation.

DBM: In the case where one is stubborn, and the other doesn’t seem to compromise; or simply concerned about the other’s actions when there is a disagreement – to the extent that they hardly would even mention what truly upsets them, and would rather choose to run away from the thought of a fight?

AJ: It takes two committed partners to get the best out of marriage. It’s always a shame if one partner has different goals. Don’t ever stop a partner that want to leave but be the partner that wants to stay and work through your imperfections.

DBM: Participant 173, Arrow, left a question for you: ‘What is your most treasured memory?’

AJ: Sounds cheesy, but the first day I gathered the courage to propose to this cool girl now my wife, to be my girlfriend. The whole weekend and what has come of it 14 years later. We both talk about it all the time

DBM: 😊 It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

AJ: Who benefits in marriage the most…men or women?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: El Gringo

Let’s Talk To Arrow

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 173:  Arrow

DBM: Hello Arrow. How would you describe yourself?

Arrow: I embrace my funky; I do not follow trends slavishly. I love to dance and have fun

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Arrow: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Arrow: Something is not quite right regarding how my brother-in-law treats me.

DBM: How does he treat you?

Arrow: With disrespect. He is mean to me. He bullies and looks down on me.

DBM: Why do you allow your husband’s brother to disrespect you?

Arrow: I don’t allow it.

DBM: But he does it anyways?

Arrow: Yes

DBM: You have a right to be respected; you know that, no?

Arrow: I do

DBM: Have you informed your husband?

Arrow: I have

DBM: And?

Arrow: He says I should ignore him

DBM: So, he knows his brother treats you this way?

Arrow: He hasn’t witnessed it.

DBM: Do you live together with your husband?

Arrow: No. But we are in the process to be together.

DBM: Where is he?

Arrow: He works in Accra

DBM: Where do you live?

Arrow: Takoradi

DBM: With his brother?

Arrow: His brother’s house is directly opposite ours

DBM: You live in a compound or family house?

Arrow: No! Their father built four-bedroom houses for each of his three children on one land.

DBM: Oh, okay! So, you live in your husband’s house?

Arrow: I do.

DBM: Understood! How does your husband treat you?

Arrow: With respect and love

DBM: He’s nothing like his brother then?

Arrow: Nothing like him

DBM: Why do you think your brother-in-law doesn’t like you?

Arrow: I used to lap dance in a night club. My brother-in-law used to frequent the club and would pay specifically for the pretty dancers to gyrate in front of him. One of the dancers he attempted to force himself on drew our attention to his behavior. And so, all the girls made it a point to intentionally ignore him. I used to decline his requests for a private dance.

DBM: I have never been to a strip club before. Are clients allowed to touch?

Arrow: It depends on the dancer and her boundaries

DBM: What were yours?

Arrow: It really depends on the client paying for my services. If he is kind and attractive, I may allow touch, lick, kiss, etc.

DBM: What is etc.?

Arrow: Some got to experience me dry riding on them

DBM: So, you do more than just standing in front of a man to dance

Arrow: Something like that

DBM: Do you still offer such services?

Arrow: No! I am a housewife now

DBM: Would you classify your past job as prostitution?

Arrow: No

DBM: An escort?

Arrow: Depended on who needed my companionship for specific hours

DBM: I see

Arrow: But I am no hoe

DBM: I hear you. Did it pay?

Arrow: Lap dancing?

DBM: Yeah!

Arrow: Yeah! I could make over Ghs 1000 a night

DBM: How did you meet your husband?

Arrow: I went shopping at the Anaji Choice Mart, and he was buying groceries with a lady I later found out was his sister-in-law. I noticed a sharp rise in his eyebrows and interpreted it as a sign of him being happy to see me, and so, I smiled at him. Our eyes and body language spoke louder than words. His sister-in-law caught on so fast, she walked towards me to inform me that he was single. She introduced him to me and that’s how we started talking, and later, exchanged phone numbers. We got to the carpark and his sister-in-law had already briefed her husband, who was in the car waiting to see us together. Such a small world, huh?

DBM: Was your brother-in-law in shock?

Arrow: He wasn’t initially, but he had a frown on his face. The shock popped up when his wife asked for my phone number to keep in touch.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Arrow: A year and a half.

DBM: How long has your brother-in-law been married?

Arrow: Nine years

DBM: Most people are in need of applause so bad they would do any and everything to be relevant in your perception of them; including speaking against their own character-flaw – which they think they see in you. To the extent of pretending they do not know who they’re acting against. Thank goodness there is a mirror they will stare themselves at every now and then.

Arrow: Hypocrites

DBM: That is why I will never force myself to make decisions I am uncomfortable with. Some people thrive in talking at you, laughing, ridiculing at or bullying people; they delight in talking about you behind your back, lying, exaggerating and would even intentionally ignore your boundaries – just to disrespect you. Those are the classic insecure, childish pretenders.

Arrow: That is a correct description of my brother-in-law right there

DBM: And it only gets worse, unfortunately

Arrow: Dave, I don’t think I am even doing anything, directly or indirectly to trigger his bad behavior towards me.

DBM: He’s not a decent human being at heart. Ill-mannered brewing

Arrow: Sometimes, I feel like telling his wife about what I know

DBM: She doesn’t know?

Arrow: I haven’t told her anything

DBM: I see. Does your husband know about your past?

Arrow: He does

DBM: And?

Arrow: He says it’s my past, and has nothing to do with him. Honestly Dave, I do not regret the fun I had when I was single and dancing and earning from it. I’ve never had sleepless nights about it, to the extent of worrying that – it dictates my present status as a married woman.

DBM: Good for you! Keep keeping yourself active and just enjoy the current moment you’re living. It adds color to your life.

Arrow: Yes sir

DBM: So, what experience from your past is positively influencing your present?

Arrow: Oh! Lol! I often lap dance for my husband, and he loves it so much. He’s always in a hurry to rush to Taadi to sit in his favorite chair in our bedroom, rock hard for an hour or two, just to watch me shake what my momma gave me on him.

DBM: Smh! Participant 172, Air, left a question for you: ‘Would you take your mother’s property if you were in my shoes?’

Arrow: 2024, fortunately is my year to go and possess my promises. I would have taken what was rightfully mine. A lot of people have imprisoned themselves in the lands of their promises. They are held back and captive due to fear, shame, limitations and accusations of all sorts. I will not stand in my promised land, yet not be able to enjoy it.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Arrow: What is your most treasured memory?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Arianna Jade’

Let’s Talk To Gyasi

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 172:  My name is Gyasi

DBM: Hi Gyasi. How would you describe yourself?

Gyasi: Hardworking man, willing to get his hands dirty so his wife can keep her little manicured nails all fresh and pretty.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Gyasi: Six

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Gyasi: My mother developed memory issues seven years ago, and she was in her early 50’s. She lived with me for five years. I have to admit though, that living with a woman in her condition was brutal. It gravely impacted my marriage, work and finances. It burned me out, I couldn’t hold out

DBM: How is mom doing now?

Gyasi: She’s dead

DBM: Would you like to talk about it?

Gyasi: Not at the moment

DBM: Okay! But how are you doing?

Gyasi: I am fine

DBM: I empathize with your loss

Gyasi: Thank you, David. The reason why I booked your time to chat is because, I believe my mother was duped by a renown so-called ‘prophet’ in Accra. My mum owned a few properties that I had no idea of. I only found out recently about some of them from her documentation and note book – after her burial.

DBM: I see

Gyasi: I don’t remember what the occasion was, but I called her in February, 2018, and she was about to go out. I could hear a man’s voice in the background, he was also on phone, talking to someone. Because he didn’t sound like my dad, I asked her who he was and she mentioned the prophet’s name. I am not a fan of this guy because I strongly believe he is a false prophet, and many people think that of him too.

DBM: Where is your father?

Gyasi: He is fine. He’s married and living his life

DBM: Was he married to your mother when she was ill?

Gyasi: They were almost divorced. They encountered their bumps along the way, but unfortunately, my mother couldn’t work on their issues and was considering the possibility of a divorce. My dad got home from work and my mother had left a note for him. Basically, she was going on a solo trip outside of Ghana, and was not sure when she was returning. She had quit her job, cleared half of their savings and had switched her phones off. All this happened a day after my call to mother.

DBM: Interesting

Gyasi: Yes. It was a Thursday. On Sunday, 11th of February, 2018, I googled to read about the prophet and found the location to his church. I visited his church premises to join his morning service, and it was announced that his absence was due to a preaching assignment abroad.

DBM: What made you google him?

Gyasi: He was at my mother’s house on the 7th of February, 2018; it could only mean they were friends because she had deeper pockets. I hate it when people claiming to be Christians pretend to be your friend only because of your economic status.

DBM: It’s rather unfortunate but I have come to realize that, many Christians cannot be their true, authentic selves. Nothing they intend doing is truly selfless. And it’s kinda, expected of them to rid themselves of certain lifestyles that aren’t compatible with Christianity, if they’re to be seen as ‘good Christians’. In their minds, they would benefit greatly by getting good with GOD. So, the majority would rather prefer wearing a mask to hide who they really are, killing the whole spirit of it.

Gyasi: Hmmm!

DBM: GOD will not come down to strike the hell outta them, so they get away with putting a show for Daddy GOD, instead of actually relating with and doing right by the very people right in front of them.

Gyasi: Very sad.

DBM: Extremely

Gyasi: I did not hear from my mother for two months. When I heard news about her, she had been hospitalized, and that was the beginning of my woes.

DBM: I am sorry about that

Gyasi: Yeah! I was going through my mother’s documents and personal journals and I came across records of a property she had given to the prophet to reside. Her notes didn’t say anything about gifting, renting or selling the 5-bedroom house to him. What she wrote was, ‘I was touched to bless the man of God, Prophet … with’ the said property.

DBM: Who has the original copy of the property deed?

Gyasi: I do. I found it in my mother’s documents. The prophet has a photocopy of the same deed.

DBM: Has he a copy of a purchase document?

Gyasi: No!

DBM: How about a copy of mortgage payment records?

Gyasi: He has nothing like that

DBM: An affidavit of ownership?

Gyasi: He doesn’t have

DBM: Sales agreements of any sort?

Gyasi: No

DBM: The utility bills are in whose name?

Gyasi: My mother

DBM: Property tax receipts?

Gyasi: In my mother’s name

DBM: It’s your mother’s house

Gyasi: I know, but he’s refusing to evict.

DBM: You’re kicking him out?

Gyasi: Sharpest!

DBM: Why?

Gyasi: He’s a crook. He has a video of my mother asking him to move in to the property because she felt led to do that for him and his wife and children. That is his claim of evidence to owning the house.

DBM: Do you need that house so badly?

Gyasi: No. My mother left me with a lot of money and properties

DBM: So, what’s the urgent need behind the deed?

Gyasi: I’m just claiming what is my inheritance

DBM: I find it to be a bit tacky, if it was a gift your mother, out of a clear conscience, gave him.

Gyasi: I want it back

DBM: Your mother gave this gift because she wanted to, not to use as leverage or be petty about it. I feel like you should let him keep it – as long as he wants to. You still own the property, regardless.

Gyasi: He’s not being humble about it. That’s what is pissing me off.

DBM: Just make sure you’re not allowing your possessions to possess you.

Gyasi: I am not.

DBM: How old are you?

Gyasi: I will be 26 this year

DBM: How long have you been married?

Gyasi: 2 years

DBM: Who informed you about your mother’s hospital admission?

Gyasi: My dad

DBM: Who informed your father?

Gyasi: The prophet. He called my dad

DBM: Who took your mother to the hospital?

Gyasi: The prophet, his wife and two of his elders

DBM: I see! Participant 171, Air, left a question for you: ‘Is a good man or woman the right man or woman for you?’

Gyasi: My wife is the right woman for me because she’s my best friend and teammate. I support her and she does same for me. I can envision myself being with her for the rest of my life. We’ve been this close since our first year at Cape Vars. She was my study partner. She came into this marriage loving and accepting everything about me; even the things I sometimes do that aren’t my finest qualities. I was good to many ladies on campus, but I wasn’t the right guy for them. Something about my wife and our relationship as a whole feel different and important to us. I can trust my gut instincts when it comes to her being the right woman for me.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Gyasi: Would you take your mother’s property if you were in my shoes?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Lina Kivaka

Let’s Talk To Air

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 171:  Air

DBM: Hello Air. How would you describe yourself?

Air: I keep an eye on everything

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Air: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Air: Marriage

DBM: What about it?

Air: The fear of it. I don’t know if I ever want to get married.

DBM: That is also okay.

Air: I don’t think you’re understanding me. I want to get married, but I am scared.

DBM: Why does it scare you?

Air: So many of my friends and friends of my parents and siblings are getting divorced. Stories on social media are no different. Married men and women are having affairs; married men are making passes at my girlfriend, etc. It’s a whole lot.

DBM: How long have you dated your lady?

Air: 5 years. We describe our relationship as a domestic partnership. We also own a few businesses together.

DBM: Is marriage on any of your to-do lists?

Air: It was on mine

DBM: How about hers?

Air: She’s not obsessed about it. If it happens, she’d be fine; if it doesn’t, she’d be fine.

DBM: I am a respecter of people’s personal choice of partnership. You do you, so far as it is working for you.

Air: Yeah… Marriage is just a piece of paper, I guess?

DBM: Marriage is more than a piece of paper.

Air: Enlighten me

DBM: Well, you go from saying, ‘my girlfriend’ to ‘my wife’

Air: Lol! What else?

DBM: Your woman changing her last name to yours holds so much weight.

Air: Arrh, Dave! I want the heavy weight in its relevance.

DBM: Marriage does change things in your relationship, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you.

Air: How does it affect the dynamics of a relationship – is my question

DBM: Let me use my own experience: the love we share in our day-to-day is still the same after settling down; we live the same individual lives, and our relationship and commitment is just as it was. Nothing significant really has changed, we’re just married.

Air: So, there is nothing special to it then?

DBM: The bond we shared still is there between us, only, it became a sort of ‘certified’ or ‘final’ kind of feeling when we made the decision to get married.

Air: I get that part

DBM: What do you want in a relationship?

Air: A lot, and marriage is part of the lot.

DBM: So, marriage is one the end goals?

Air: Yes

DBM: Just marriage?

Air: What do you mean?

DBM: What type of marriage?

Air: The kind we both would be willing to go whatever length to fight to keep it alive should there be obstacles

DBM: How do you qualify such a big deal with just a piece of paper?

Air: I understand your point. I guess what I am struggling with is the importance of a public declaration of love for my woman and the recitation of vows.

DBM: I don’t view it necessarily as a publicity stunts, but rather taking a more legal official stance.

Air: Bringing us back to the certificate: a piece of paper

DBM: That piece of paper catapults your love and relationship to a whole new next level things.

Air: Like?

DBM: How old are you again?

Air: 36

DBM: Let’s assume you’re hit by a car after your wedding and hospitalized, that piece of paper gives your lady the spousal rights to love on you in a way that determines whether or not the hospital pulls the plug on you to either live or die. That piece of paper permits any of you to make all sorts of medical decisions on the other’s behalf, not a mother or father, but YOU.

Air: I get it

DBM: Your wife automatically gets whatever marriage benefits is due her, just because of that piece of paper. And so do you. No family member can kick your children out or claim your matrimonial home and house or businesses as theirs should any of you die. That piece of paper ensures whatever you both have left, in case of death, goes to the other partner first.

Air: Even when there is no will?

DBM: Especially when there is no will. You both have pension?

Air: We do

DBM: Assets?

Air: Yes

DBM: Bank accounts?

Air: Lol! Of course,

DBM: That piece of paper is basically your way of taking very good care of each other – should one of you choose to die.

Air: I am scared of disappointing her later in future. That’s my other headache.

DBM: Disappointing her in what sense?

Air: Cheating on her, etc.

DBM: Have you cheated on her since you started dating?

Air: Not yet

DBM: Do you have any plans to?

Air: Not that I know of

DBM: Most guys, unfortunately just want to get married. It’s only a decent and serious few who genuinely want to be married. Being intentional about staying married and giving it your 100% is worth more weight than just being married.

Air: I want to get married

DBM: Why do you really want to get married?

Air: I don’t know if it’s a good reason

DBM: I’m still interested in knowing.

Air: I can’t imagine spending a single day without her in my life

DBM: That is a good enough reason.

Air: She makes me very happy Dave, and I love her dearly. She’s my all-time best friend.

DBM: Imagine becoming your all-time best friend’s husband?

Air: Lol!

DBM: You like the sound of that?

Air: Yes. My girlfriend has friends who have issues with submission and obedience. They don’t believe a woman should be cooking and cleaning in a relationship.

DBM: A man should know how to cook and clean after himself. It’s no woman’s responsibility to be doing that for you.

Air: Hmmm! My girlfriend does it though

DBM: It’s always in one’s choice. It’s not torture. It’s also not her duty and, or responsibility towards you.

Air: Okay!

DBM: But I see the act of service as a type of love. Cooking for your husband or wife is a display of love. When you make sure your partner is well fed, well taken care of, you are simply expressing the magnitude of your love for them. It’s a show of gratitude for their daily sacrifice and intention to keep the home afloat. I cook whenever I have the time or in the mood to. It’s all about teamwork.

Air: Okay! Thank you, Mr. Dave. I had fun talking to you.

DBM: Likewise.

Air: Last question, what if I do not want a wedding?

DBM: What does she want?

Air: I don’t know. She’s never been the wedding type.

DBM: Marriage is a personal journey for me. My decision to do forever with my partner has absolutely nothing to do with the opinions of friends or family. I don’t care about what anyone thinks. All I want to be assured of is that, I have made the best decision for myself and hopefully, for my partner. No one should tell you or have a strong say in how your marriage should look like.

Air: For the first time, I think I like you. Lol! I always thought you’re biased and have been siding with the ladies

DBM: You’re still not getting my point: I don’t really care what you think of me. You don’t know me, I don’t know you, and it’s going to stay that way.

Air: Lol!

DBM: You can do court or even get married in yours or her pastor’s office in the church premises. The ceremony doesn’t have to be elaborate. The important thing is, you want to be together by hook or crook

Air: Okay!

DBM: How you start on a journey isn’t always going to be how you will finish.

Air: I agree

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Air: Is a good man or woman the right man or woman for you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Jonathan Borba

Let’s Talk To Egypt

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 170:  Egypt

DBM: Hi Egypt. How would you describe yourself?

Egypt: Pretty much messed up

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Egypt: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Egypt: I knew my marriage wasn’t going to work out long-term on my wedding day, but I couldn’t let go at that time.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Egypt: Six years

DBM: And how have you been managing thus far?

Egypt: Good question, Dave. I don’t know

DBM: Okay!

Egypt: Tears have started flowing already

DBM: Why?

Egypt: I feel guilty for wasting my wife’s time

DBM: Does she know how you’re feeling about everything?

Egypt: Not yet

DBM: How old are you?

Egypt: In my late 30’s

DBM: What prompted that conclusion on your wedding day?

Egypt: My wife is a catch; everything nice and sweet. She looked absolutely stunning in her wedding dress but for some reason I was still unfulfilled with my decision to settle down in a marriage

DBM: ‘Settle down in a marriage’ with her or the whole idea of marriage?

Egypt: With her

DBM: In other words, marriage is something you want?

Egypt: Yes

DBM: But not with your wife?

Egypt: Yes

DBM: How would you describe the current state of your marriage?

Egypt: I have taken time to fall out and I am currently falling apart. My marriage has been a mistake from the very beginning.

DBM: Whose mistake?

Egypt: Mine, and I take full responsibility for it

DBM: Did you ever love her?

Egypt: I did

DBM: Were you ever in love with her?

Egypt: I think so

DBM: Okay!

Egypt: My dad is suggesting I manage the situation just as it is and find solutions outside marriage

DBM: What are some of the proposed solutions?

Egypt: Finding another woman

DBM: Is it a solution he’s tried or tested?

Egypt: Yes. I am as a result of his relationship with my mother, who was his true love.

DBM: Your mother was his wife?

Egypt: No! He’s still married to his wife. My mother was the other woman he spent most of his time with. She was his person

DBM: Who is your person?

Egypt: Not found her yet

DBM: What was your decision to marry based on?

Egypt: We had been close friends and together for years; I loved her personality and character. She is beautiful and has been an excellent mother to our children. I knew she would be a great mother. I also felt the pressure to get engaged because everyone believed we’d make a good couple.

DBM: I see

Egypt: I haven’t cheated on her since we married but she found out a few days to our wedding that I had been cheating on her, and she still went through with the marriage because it felt too last minute to call it all off

DBM: How did she find out?

Egypt: One of her friends caught me with the other girl

DBM: Were you concerned that you had been caught?

Egypt: No. I was rather counting on her to cancel the wedding

DBM: Ha!

Egypt: Yeah! And I think she’s been trying everything to prove to me that she can be a great choice

DBM: When you find yourself trying to prove your worth, you have forgotten your value.

Egypt: That’s true. Do you think I’m being over the top?

DBM: Not really. But I am old school. My belief is that – when I make a commitment, I should be able to stick to it.

Egypt: Even when it no longer serves you?

DBM: It will not serve me if I no longer have trust in and for you. It will not serve me if there no longer is friendship between us. It will not serve me if there is no mutual respect

Egypt: What advice would you have given me six years ago, if I had come to you before getting married?

DBM: I listen to my instincts a lot, and I am always keeping my eyes open – when it comes to those around me and the people I care about. If something doesn’t feel right, then something certainly isn’t right. And I usually would want to make it right before making the decision to or not to get married.

Egypt: Easily said than done

DBM: On the contrary. Being genuinely committed to someone helps you to survive the inevitable bumps in the road that you’d encounter. Unfortunately, you’re not that much into your wife and that is why you do not see the need to want to commit to her and the marriage.

Egypt: Some things can be one sided and still be managed well, or?

DBM: Of course. I love ice cream. I hardly would share my cone with anyone. I don’t share my personal diary with people to read. These things can be one-sided. I am yet to find reason as to why one would fool themselves into believing – a healthy marriage can be one-sided and okay.

Egypt: Do you think there could be, at least, hope to salvage mine?

DBM: If I want something that bad enough, I take the necessary steps to make it work best for my good. It takes intentional work and planning. Simply desiring to have a good marriage doesn’t make it happen. What serious thoughts have you put into being a great husband, father and an overall, decent man?

Egypt: The desire to be is there

DBM: And, what are you prepared to do to make it happen?

Egypt: Hmmm!

DBM: What are you willing to sacrifice to make a healthy home? Because wanting marriage and getting it are not related – if you genuinely do not want your wife badly enough to create this kind of life with.

Egypt: I need time to think about everything

DBM: Marriage can be a good thing if you want it badly enough to sacrifice your best of self to achieve the out-of-the-ordinary experience

Egypt: I agree

DBM:  Participant 169, Atɛ, left a question for you: What does friendship mean to you?

Egypt: Openness to the other’s perspectives and being there for them the best way possible

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Egypt: I have no question

DBM: Okay! Thank you!

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

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