Checking-In On Ourselves

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Nyakpoo: Hello David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello sir

Nyakpoo: Yipee

DBM: Lol!

Nyakpoo: Finally. This is my third hello to you in three years. I’ve always wanted to share my love story with your audience.

DBM: Nice to meet you.

Nyakpoo: Nice to meet you, Dave.

DBM: I’m all ears.

Nyakpoo: Before I got married, my old boy sat me down to be sure I was cut out for it. Like him, I had made so many bad decisions in my dating life that negatively affected a lot of the women who had fallen in love with me. In my dad’s case, bringing children into it was the unforgivable part of his marriage. He told me that he felt he wasn’t mature enough to do marriage with my mother, though he was in his 30’s. My mom was ready to be a wife and mother but he wasn’t sure he was mentally and emotionally healthy to do the give and take in a serious commitment.

DBM: Why did he marry your mother?

Nyakpoo: She was pregnant with me. Also, he said she was hot.

DBM: Lol!

Nyakpoo: My dad was fluttering from one woman to the other, and that was pretty much my life too. I wasn’t interested in forming any ties yet. And there were no bounds, so I was meeting and having so much fun with different women who would come and go. I remember my father asking me one day if I had the maturity, patience and trust to be okay on the days, weeks or months that my wife wouldn’t feel like having sex with me. That was a tough question to answer because I am the very physical type of person when dating. My love language is… You know, in bed.

DBM: Your love language is in bed?

Nyakpoo: Anything vanilla under the sheets.

DBM: Smh!

Nyakpoo: He also wanted to know if I was willing to put in the needed time, the thoughtfulness, the level of self-control and sacrifice to make a marriage work. These were conversations I had never had with him before. In fact, I was very surprised he wanted to talk to me about it because in my eyes, he was the perfect example of a father and husband to look up to but no, he told me he failed my mother as her husband.

DBM: Did he explain his definition of failure?

Nyakpoo: His definition was everything my life with women had become. I was living without care and only interested in the casual. I realized I had been manipulating and deceiving women to get what I wanted without any intention of being in a committed relationship with them.

DBM: Why did you want to marry your wife?

Nyakpoo: She was pregnant with my child

DBM: Let me guess, and she was hot? Lol

Nyakpoo: Lol. Yes, she was very hot. I’m my father’s son. But that was not that. I had introduced her to my parents and I think my mother had told her to be sure she wanted to do life with me. My mum doesn’t know about my personal lifestyle but she assumed I was just like my father, and was cautioning my wife to be careful with her heart. To be honest, I was really hurt she could say that to my woman.

DBM: Why were you hurt? She wasn’t lying about you, was she?

Nyakpoo: She wasn’t but she shouldn’t have. Because of what she told her, my wife started to feel a little confused, and was constantly questioning my intentions.

DBM: What were your intentions for her?

Nyakpoo: I didn’t have any but I cared.

DBM: I see. How did you two first meet?

Nyakpoo: We met in a bar. I’m usually the first to walk up to a pretty woman I am interested in but with her, I couldn’t get myself to approach her. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t at least, try.

DBM: What was your initial intention for the first approach?

Nyakpoo: To know her and maybe f**k with her. But we talked for almost an hour and went our separate ways. Days later, I found myself showing up to her office with a basket of goodies for an office break picnic. She was cooked.

DBM: Lol! You liked her that much huh?

Nyakpoo: I hadn’t done that before. Also, my life was all over the place and a bit questionable, and I had been trying to answer with women, sex and alcohol. Becoming friends with her changed my attitude about everything. My life I think took a few twists and turns that later on forced me to want to straighten it out. Her love for her parents inspired me to also be visiting my mother and father more often.

DBM: What about her made her stand out and not blend in?

Nyakpoo: I desired her in ways I hadn’t needed a woman before, and that made me want to be a better man for her. I developed a kind of love I had never felt for anyone.

DBM: Nice. I’ve already asked this question but I’d like to ask again, why did you want to marry your wife?

Nyakpoo: Honestly Dave, I’d never thought of having a family with anyone. My life was all about going with the flow. However, my wife was the only woman who ever made me feel at peace when I thought about the possibility of a marriage. She was my definition of what felt right to me. She had a lot of love in her to give.

DBM: Can you explain that?

Nyakpoo: I saw the way she loved her parents and siblings. How she loved her close friends and some of the people she worked with. The love she shared in her circle of friends, even when some of her colleagues were hard to love. I just couldn’t look past that. It said a lot about her. She doesn’t know this but she taught and showed me how to love by the way she filled me up with so much of her love for me.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Nyakpoo: We’ve done 15 years so far.

DBM: And, has it been easy?

Nyakpoo: This is what I’ve been doing every weekend since we got married; I check in on my wife to know how I’m doing as her husband. I ask if she’s happy in the marriage. I ask if she’s okay. I ask if there’s anything I could do to improve her life or ours, as a couple. Whatever her responses are to these questions, I try to do the best I can to make it up to her in the week. She picked up on my line of questioning and started doing the same with me every Sunday. I check in on her every Saturday, and she checks in on my needs every Sunday. It has made our 15 years together as husband and wife so easy.

DBM: Oh wow! I’ve never thought of that. I’m going to copy this check-in tactic and practice it in my own marriage. We say ‘I love you’ everyday but I have never been the type to check in to know if I make happy. Thank you for this insight.

Nyakpoo: Because she’s been checking in on my needs, I’ve never felt the need to even cheat on her.

DBM: I figured. Huh! This is good information. I like you

Nyakpoo: Thanks Dave. I like you too.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Learning To Co-Parent

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Enyonyam: Hello David. How are you? I would like to share a situation I find myself in to get your views and that of your audience.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing? Sorry for the late response. I am just seeing your message.

Enyonyam: Hi David. I am excited! Finally, I got you. Thank you for getting back to me. My story goes like this, Dave. My ex-husband and I were long time friends before we started dating. At the time I believed we were good friends. I never anticipated that the friendship would end up in a relationship. I did not envision that from the onset considering the nature of our friendship. Fast forward, we got married. I must confess I put everything into the marriage. Prior to the marriage, he had a son which he hid from me and only disclosed when we were making preparations to get married. I felt betrayed and felt he was not trustworthy considering the fact that he could conceal such information. However, based on the advice of close friends on his side I agreed. Soon after our marriage, he started exhibiting signs I never saw during our dating. He became mean and was reluctant to make love to me. I noticed a change of behavior at the onset of the marriage. I must confess he was not financially okay at the time, and I was also not in a good position to assist.

DBM: What advice did his close friends give to you?

Enyonyam: That since the mother of the child was married and there was less chance of him going back to her, I had no cause to worry. They assured he was a better person now too.

DBM: Interesting! I am listening.

Enyonyam: So, I was also convinced because he carried himself so well. Everyone viewed him as an ‘angel’. He was religious and down to earth as society would usually say. Dave my issue is the person I encountered in marriage comes nowhere near the image perceived by people around him. In fact, no one believed me at the time. I fell into depression especially as a nursing mother, faced career issues because I wasn’t mentally stable and many more. Eventually I had to leave the marriage.

DBM: Did you at least, bother to find out from him when he got the lady pregnant exactly where his headspace was when he cheated?

Enyonyam: Let me clarify. He had that child years before he met me. So, my issue was why he did not disclose that he had a child. His explanation was that it was a one-off sexual encounter that resulted in pregnancy. That incident he claimed was not reflective of his character.

DBM: Oh, okay! I get it now.

Enyonyam: Thanks. So back to the reason I left the marriage. I was emotionally abused and neglected. But Dave, one of the main reasons for leaving the marriage was that he started engaging with an ex-girlfriend when we got married. When I found out and confronted him, he denied and would rather feign anger. Fast forward when I was convinced that he was indeed having the affair, I left. This ex-girlfriend was married at the time of their affair. Meaning they were both married. She left her husband whilst he continued to emotionally abuse me so that I left the marriage rather.

DBM: If I choose to be abusive, disrespectful or unfaithful to my partner, I am very much aware that I am making a choice that’s unfair, certainly uncaring and selfish. So, he knew exactly what he was doing to you, unfortunately.

Enyonyam: I feel better knowing this because at a point I felt I was mentally unstable. He would make me doubt my reality and tell everyone I am making up stories. That he was not cheating.

DBM: I am so sorry about that.

Enyonyam: Thankfully, shortly after our divorce, they remarried. I use the word ‘thankfully because I feel vindicated.

DBM: Ha!

Enyonyam: I feel I was not making up stories. Everyone makes it appear you left because you were not ‘marriage material’ which I care little about because I know my worth and know how much I poured into the marriage.

DBM: People will talk no matter what. That is how come I hardly would respond to anyone and their perceptions of me.

Enyonyam: I must learn to master same too

DBM: Lol!

Enyonyam: So, my concern now is how do I co parent peacefully with him knowing that his wife broke our home. She knew very much about me. She gave us a wedding gift during our wedding. Gave us clothes for the baby during the naming ceremony. I feel so pained knowing how insensitive and selfish they both have been and the fact that they have displaced a young child from his home. The thought of single parenting breaks me. I cannot envision my child going to her. I am not bitter but describing how I feel seems so but I can assure you that I am at peace.

DBM: Is she the same lady he had a kid with prior to meeting you?

Enyonyam: No. This one was married for about 5 years and had no child out of that marriage. She left her marriage just when we got married. She appears to have money and it appears he went in for her money.

DBM: I see. Or he might have also gone in for love. It could be anything

Enyonyam: Well, it is possible. I am just wondering if love defies everything including abandoning your home and child to have an affair with a married woman who later becomes his wife. I cannot judge. I have chosen not to question his choice. The reason I left to find someone who appreciates me.

DBM: While it’s important to maintain a stable front for the sake of your children, have you felt all of your feelings after the split with your ex?

Enyonyam: No. I am not angry he chose another woman over me. I am still hurt that he would cause my son to go through the pain of not having both parents under the same roof. The pain of knowing what divorce does to children and also especially because this is his second time of having a child and not playing any significant role in their upbringing. He believes once he sends monthly stipend he is carrying out his fatherly duties. I see fatherhood as a bigger concept than financial provision. I am struggling and need help on how to handle issues of the betrayal alongside raising a son who will not grow up to be like him in this regard.

DBM: You need to give yourself space to feel all these emotions. Do you sometimes feel tempted to bad-mouth your ex-husband around your son?

Enyonyam: No, I have never done that. What I struggle with is letting him around him completely. I feel he will not have a good influence on him. At the same time, I know a child needs a father. Also, the nature of the betrayal makes it difficult to trust him and his wife completely.

DBM: Your child doesn’t just need his father. He needs structure and consistency from the both of you. How you both choose to express discipline and whatever kind of boundaries to the expectations of both households is what needs to be discussed right now. You need to put the betrayal and the parties that contributed to it aside and come up with a reliable framework for your son’s sake.

Enyonyam: I agree but I must confess consistency has never been a thing on his part. I am happy to work towards something that would work for my son.

DBM: Have you two ever agreed on anything since the divorce?

Enyonyam: Yes, to some extent. We have some agreed terms. I must confess I have found it difficult communicating with him. I would rather stay in my corner than reach out to him. It’s something I am struggling with. And this is because I would rather do it all rather than experience the disappointments all over. When you expect him to do something he won’t and vice versa.

DBM: Is he the type of person who would be willing to parent his child with you as a united front, or he’s the type to rather parent separately? Because from what you are telling me, you would rather do yours separately for the sake of your peace of mind.

Enyonyam: I honestly cannot tell what the dynamics would be now. What I can say is he previously never cared about significant issues such as milestones, educational progress etc. of our son. After the divorce and when he noticed people were advising him to pay heed to child and also that I had set strong boundaries, he started showing interest in the child. So, I am not sure what his parenting style would be now. I am only wondering? Do I sound bitter if I do not want his wife around my son. Or unhealed if I feel she cannot be trusted.

DBM: Do you want to know what I really think or you want to hear what I want you to hear?

Enyonyam: No, I want to know what you think because I want to be a better version of myself. I am still on my healing journey.

DBM: Learn to let go of your control so you can be open to trusting him and his wife to have your son’s best interest at heart when he’s there visiting. I know some things still does not make sense to you but try.

Enyonyam: Thanks so much for acknowledging it does not come easy. I will do my best.

Image Credit: Katrin Bolovtsova

The London Effect

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Otwuaba: Dave, can you help me apologize to my husband?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oo oh! What did you do?

Otwuaba: I left him for another man after he had brought me to London.

DBM: Why would you do something like that?

Otwuaba: I was talking to another man that I really liked.

DBM: Before or after marriage?

Otwuaba: Before.

DBM: And he knew you had married your husband?

Otwuaba: No

DBM: Why did you get married?

Otwuaba: Because my husband already had plans of letting me join him in the UK after marriage.

DBM: What were the plans of the other guy for you?

Otwuaba: He loves me. We’re still together. It’s just that he’s the type that wants to take things slow. I always wanted to be with him but it was taking a lot of time for him to save money for his ticket to Ghana, etc. He wasn’t going to marry me anytime soon, so I had to take matters into my own hands.

DBM: Are you still married to your husband?

Otwuaba: Yes

DBM: Where do I come in to help with your apology?

Otwuaba: He follows you on Facebook. I want him to know I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings.

DBM: No! Let’s not do that. You knew exactly what you were doing, so you just can’t pretend you didn’t.

Otwuaba: I knew what I was doing but I also loved my husband. It’s just that I loved the other man more

DBM: Does the other guy still think you’re single?

Otwuaba: No. I told him I got married but had to separate

DBM: Does he know you got married to your husband because you needed an escape route to London?

Otwuaba: No

DBM: What does he know about your husband?

Otwuaba: Not much

DBM: What is your family saying about what you’ve done?

Otwuaba: They’re disappointed in me

DBM: I see. Why haven’t you divorced your husband?

Otwuaba: I can’t

DBM: Why not? You’re with another man, no?

Otwuaba: I am on his UK Spouse Visa, and I only have a limited permission to stay in the UK.

DBM: Why hasn’t your husband informed the UK Visas and Immigration in writing to provide them with your full details and entry clearance? He should have your reference number, no?

Otwuaba: Yes

DBM: What you have done to that man jeopardizes your visa status, you know that, don’t you?

Otwuaba: I know

DBM: You’re not concerned about that?

Otwuaba: I am but not really.

DBM: Why not?

Otwuaba: I think my husband actually loves me and might be extending grace my way

DBM: Grace for whatever reason?

Otwuaba: He believes I might come back to him

DBM: Would you?

Otwuaba: No

DBM: And, he knows that?

Otwuaba: I think so. Also, I think he knew I wasn’t all that in with him. Maybe, he assured me of bringing me here to take my mind off the other guy.

DBM: Did he know the other man was in UK?

Otwuaba: No

DBM: You really played him uh?

Otwuaba: Not entirely, but he became a means to an end.

DBM: The man you are with, is he not interested in learning about your past? Is he not asking questions about your family, your background, getting to know your friends? Is no one in your circle telling him what you’ve done to your husband?

Otwuaba: He gets to know what I want him to know.

DBM: Is he not part of your social media?

Otwuaba: No

DBM: I see. So, what does the future look like with him?

Otwuaba: We’re still together. It’s been 2 years.

DBM: Oh my!

Otwuaba: I am pregnant

DBM: What is so special about him?

Otwuaba: He’s white. I’ve always wanted to have a mixed-race child.

DBM: So, it’s just about children?

Otwuaba: 80% about children.

DBM: What constitutes the 20%?

Otwuaba: Being married to a handsome white man. Dave, white men tend to be faithful to their wives. He is family oriented. This guy helps with the home. For example, he’s been making the bed every morning. He helps me cook or he will simply be the one cooking for us. Before we got pregnant, he had been discussing how he’s looking forward to changing our baby’s diapers, taking him on a stroll, babysitting him while I rest. He goes grocery shopping with me; he’s willing to wash dishes and take the trash out. He cleans the tables and chairs and then set them up. He makes time to talk to me every day. And he’s been consistent with his actions these two years. African men are not like that.

DBM: I am like that. There are a ton of hands-on men and husbands like that.

Otwuaba: I haven’t met one yet. All the men I’ve dated, including my husband have to be told what to do before they will grudgingly make the attempt. They feel their only responsibility is to give money and pay fees.

DBM: Did your husband discuss the kind of future he had in mind for you?

Otwuaba: Yes

DBM: What was it like?

Otwuaba: Marry me, bring me to the UK and have children.

DBM: That was that?

Otwuaba: Yes. Dave, let’s call a spade a spade. What kind of future do most African men have for their wives? You tell me since you’re one of them

DBM: The kind of future I have for my family is where my dreams live. And the dream included my partner. That is why we got married in the first place. We’ve been building on this future for the past seven years. If a man loves you like the way your husband did, he includes you in his future plans. Marrying you and bringing you to the UK is part of those plans. What have you done!

Otwuaba: I’ve apologized to him and I want to say I am sorry again.

DBM: What have you done!

Otwuaba: He knows I’m sorry

DBM: I’m sorry but sorry is not good enough. Why would you take advantage of someone’s kindness and love for you like that?

Otwuaba: Can you help me find him a good woman?

DBM: Are you kidding me?

Otwuaba: Lol! I’m serious Dave.

DBM: What do your in-laws make of what you’ve done?

Otwuaba: I don’t think they know. My husband hasn’t told them. They still call and talk to me as if everything is normal. They don’t know we don’t live together.

Image Credit: Mike Jones

Whims And Caprices Not My Boss?

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Njeri: David, I’d like to hear your thoughts on a viral video of a dad telling his daughter to succumb to her husband’s whims and caprices because he is her boss. My husband seems to be extremely excited about it, and he’s doing the most to draw my attention to it.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Is your husband a billionaire?

Njeri: Lol! Nope

DBM: Is your husband a millionaire?

Njeri: Nope

DBM: Does your husband have $500,000 in his account?

Njeri: Nope

DBM: So, he’s drawing your attention to exactly what?

Njeri: Do I even know?

DBM: A lot of men on these streets are not suitable for marriage. Especially those who delight in boasting and making large claims but knowingly lack the level of substance to back the statements they so much uphold and, or are excited about. Ladies, do NOT marry a man because you think he looks good, or has a good job or a little bit of money. Learn how to screen for maturity in men.

Njeri: You are clearly describing my husband. Sometimes, I really feel he’s unintelligent and would jump on anything that sounds logical to his egotistical attitude.

DBM: Why did you marry him?

Njeri: I thought I was in love. Also, he’s kinda cute to look at in the face and have in your arm for a social function. He has a little money coming in, so that was also a plus. I don’t have any other reason.

DBM: Love is not just a feeling. Love is a decision; it’s action. Love requires intention, effort and investment. Do not expect to reap the rewards of a relationship/marriage without putting anything in yourself.

Njeri: That’s a fact

DBM: If you’re a single man or woman, you can only do a little. Having a solid partner in marriage can be that boost two individuals need to accomplish so much. I do not believe a husband is a partner’s ‘boss’ in a marriage. Also, I do not subscribe to the ideology of anyone succumbing to anyone’s whims and caprices in a marriage.

Njeri: Why do you say that?

DBM: To succumb to a man who is not disciplined or have enough self-control means to accept any form of irrational or unpredictable desires he comes up with one day. A man vows today to forego all others in pursuit of you in your marriage, but then wakes up the next day to proclaim he now subscribes to polygamy. To succumb to such a man means to accept his sudden desires without question. A man can wake up today and tell you he’s no longer that much into you, and you have to submit to his proclamations without reason. A man talks to you anyhow, treats you anyhow and you have to yield to it because it’s part of his whims and caprices you’re to submit to – which ultimately, works against your well-being. What happens to what you deserve and expect as his partner/wife? Are your opinions not worth hearing?

Njeri: Good point

DBM: What do you want from your husband?

Njeri: I want partnership where I can learn how to fall in love with him and be able to share the deep love, I know I can give; I want us to effectively communicate and also have great sexual and emotional intimacy, which I know he so much desires.

DBM: Exactly! You have your own wants and needs. If a husband is going to be a boss at home, he has to inspire you – as his teammate to perform better, be retained better, make you happy – to the extent that you choose to do everything better. A good boss changes you for the better. He is supposed to see more in you than you can ever see in yourself. And, he should be willing to come to your level to want to help you learn to see it too. A decent partner or boss will not throw you under the bus without a second thought. They pull you from the path of the coming bus before you’re even in danger.

Njeri: I agree to that

DBM: A good boss will not lie to you to cover up his deeds. They certainly will not make false promises to you on your wedding day, only to go back on their vows later on. A decent boss knows that you have emotions and will not be afraid to express his own to you. A good boss will never act as if he’s above you.

Njeri: Dave, I think that’s all I needed to hear. Thank you

Image Credit: Ron Lach

Raw Emotions

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Kuntwaa: The kind of future I imagined with my husband by my side, the kind of helpmate and support he was to me and our daughter; the fact that he was the second source of income in our little equation called family. The fact that he was that other parent I dreamed of raising a child with; my best friend in the world, died; leaving me and our little angel all by ourselves whiles he hovers somewhere over the rainbow, alone, probably feeling vulnerable and lost. Dave, doing marriage for six years with my late husband was one of my greatest accomplishments. So, for it to be just over like that without giving me enough time to experience the ‘in sickness and in health’, ‘for better and for worse’ aspects of our vows really hurt.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): There are no words. I am terribly sorry about that.

Kuntwaa: Yeah

DBM: How long has it been since he died?

Kuntwaa: Three years

DBM: How is your daughter doing?

Kuntwaa: She’s fine

DBM: Are you going to be alright?

Kuntwaa: I thought I was. Because I wasn’t fully living for a year and a half after his death, I dated briefly and fell in love with an emotionally generous man. He was alone and in a quiet phase in his own life after his divorce. We both seemed to be walking broken and empty on these streets. That practically how we met. He offered to take me out on a date and we bonded from there. It has been interesting and fun knowing him and being known by him. He introduced me to his two kids, he met my daughter and she loved him. Dave, he welcomed me into his world and managed to make me feel loved and wanted. He made me laugh and I finally thought I had it all over again.

DBM: What happened?

Kuntwaa: He reunited with his ex-wife

DBM: Oh my!

Kuntwaa: His children loved me but they preferred their father and mother rather being together.

DBM: Ha!

Kuntwaa: I contacted you because my daughter keeps asking me why Uncle Dodoo left, because she misses him. They used to talk on the phone every day. She feels every man she’s come to love has left her.

DBM: How did you introduce Uncle Dodoo to her?

Kuntwaa: I told her he was my ‘special friend’.

DBM: Were you sleeping over at his end?

Kuntwaa: Yes, sometimes with my daughter. He slept over at mine a couple of times too.

DBM: Just use the dynamics in friendship to explain things to her. Some friends are meant to stay with us for the long haul, while others just come in and go. She needs to understand that, it’s okay to sometimes miss someone we care about.

Kuntwaa: But she keeps asking a lot of questions

DBM: You need to as much as possible be truthful with your answers to her questions

Kuntwaa: Truthful to what extent?

DBM: You need to explain your feelings about the whole breakup to your daughter. When I was a child, I had all these big emotions. I could feel what my mother was feeling. I felt hurt when she was hurt. I was happy when she was happy about something. You need to help her to understand the complexities of her own feelings. She’s feeling a whole lot of things and it’s your responsibility as a parent, to help her make sense out of what’s going on inside and outside of her.

Kuntwaa: It’s not that simple

DBM: Why is that?

Kuntwaa: He still wants us to be, while he works things out with his wife

DBM: Wait! Was he officially divorced?

Kuntwaa: Yes

DBM: I see. What do you want for you?

Kuntwaa: I was very much attracted to him. I feel like he was honest with me in our relationship. He was capable of providing for me. I make a good living for myself but it’s sweet to also have a successful man who cares about me and my daughter, and was treating us with respect and love. He promised to provide me the life I’ve always dreamed of. My relationship with him was already on that path that I was enjoying living in.

DBM: What do you want for you?

Kuntwaa: I just answered that

DBM: Is he dating his ex-wife?

Kuntwaa: No! His family presented drinks to her family again.

DBM: So, he’s married?

Kuntwaa: I think so.

DBM: And he wants what he had with you on the side?

Kuntwaa: Yes

DBM: What do you want for you?

Kuntwaa: I want a man of my own

DBM: I don’t know how best to say this in the right context for you to understand. I am telling you this not because I am a man, but because I understand men. I know men probably in ways you may never know. So, believe me when I tell you that – you need a man who is available to only you, so he would have more than enough time to sweep you off your feet with his genuineness, out of your own dreamed reality, and place you gently into his own ideal of a reality with you in it. That is a man you can confidently lay your love on. That is a man you can decide to want to trust wholeheartedly. That is a man you can depend on. That is a man who will never consider choosing another person over you.

Kuntwaa: Ok

DBM: Your feelings for him are valid, and I respect that. Question is, is he worth the risk of your feelings and that of your daughter’s being taken for granted? Because someone who leaves you for another person, yet still wants to be with you – does not respect you that much. Do not dedicate your time and attention to someone whose actions, deliberately eats away the little emotions you have left in you to give.

Kuntwaa: I don’t want to be alone, Dave

DBM: I don’t think I have anything else to say to you for now.

Kuntwaa: Ok. It was nice talking to you.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Believe It Or Not

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Roman: Hi David. What I want to talk about is a bit outside of your usual topic here. My family is close to a very popular preacher who I think has made money off the backs of desperate, lazy Christians searching for healing and miracles. He’s been claiming he has seen thousands of healing miracles since he begun his ministry. He preaches a lot about seeing God perform healing miracles on a regular basis, which I doubt.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Why do you doubt?

Roman: Because he fell ill some time ago, and the best physicians were arranged to his bed side. His wife fell ill some time ago, and it wasn’t some miraculous prayer he prayed that healed her. A doctor and his prescription drugs cured her. I feel like these pastors are lying to us. There is this one time I wasn’t feeling well. He called to pray and nothing happened. But I couldn’t tell him his prayers didn’t work.

DBM: Are you a believer in Jesus?

Roman: Yes

DBM: Do you believe the Word of GOD, I mean, over your own personal experiences or perceptions?

Roman: Yes

DBM: What’s written in John 14:12

Roman: “Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father” 

DBM: Meaning, you, not the pastor you don’t trust, but even you, can speak forth the miraculous and it shall/can/will come to pass. Healing is your portion. Miracles are your portion. Deliverance can happen as you call it into being.

Roman: I know, but I don’t understand why they have to lie to people in the house of God, about miracles and testimonies they know did not happen? Their children fall sick and the first person they call on is their personal physicians, and not God.

DBM: Let them!

Roman: But why? I need to understand the why behind their lies

DBM: It may be a lie to you but to them, it’s their truth

Roman: And their truth, they know is a lie. Sometimes, even their wives doubt their testimonies.

DBM: Let me use you as the perfect guinea pig: You’re choosing to dismiss them simply because their messages have no real demonstration of GOD’s power, no?

Roman: Yes

DBM: So, in order for their talk to not be that cheap, some wouldn’t mind spicing their messages with miracles that never happened.

Roman: Dave, I am being very honest with you. I have never seen this man heal anyone feeli-feeli through his ministry before, for as long as I have known him and his family.

DBM: Let them!

Roman: While they continue lying to, and profiting off people?

DBM: Let them!

Roman: You believe these people?

DBM: I believe in the fact that, Jesus heals to this day, and He expresses His might through the miraculous divine intervention of His power, and through medicine. That is why He has graced doctors and nurses who are attentive to deploying some of the remarkable advances in medical research to bring healing and good health to the sick.

Roman: I know that

DBM: Good! So, your pastor getting healed because he was attended to by his doctor is equally an outpouring of some of the signs and wonders accompanying his faith. That, is a message in the miracle of his healing.

Roman: Then the emphasis of their healing messages should be centered around the doctors and nurses.

DBM: Let them! Whatever makes them sleep well at night.

Roman: I hope I’m not boring you?

DBM: No, you’re not!

Roman: Thank you!

Image Credit: Mikhail Nilov 

Truth Will Set Us Free

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Kukua: My husband and the Chief Financial Officer at their firm were stealing from their company. I confronted him at first and he denied. He insisted I was accusing him of theft without evidence, and so I contacted his boss through his wife, who is my friend, and made him aware of my suspicions. They conducted a thorough investigation into the matter before hiding cameras in smoke detectors at their offices and marked all of the bills. They caught them in the act three weeks after I had made it known to his boss. Their employments were terminated and charges pressed against them. They are currently serving a 7-year jail term. Dave, I know I went to the extreme with this but I was very disappointed in my husband.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How did you know he was stealing?

Kukua: I eavesdropped on him on two occasions at home when he had to sneak out of bed at dawn to answer a call out of the bedroom. I went through a few of his messages on phone with the finance guy whenever he slept deep, and it had been going on for years. The evidence during court proceedings showed my husband alone had made away with almost 650k. I honestly thought I was married to a man of integrity and honor.

DBM: You have kids?

Kukua: We have two boys together

DBM: Do you work?

Kukua: I work

DBM: Okay! So, the kids are well taken care of then?

Kukua: We can survive on my salary. Also, my husband’s boss asked his company to be sending me and the children a substantial amount every month towards their upkeep.

DBM: That’s kind of him. Do the kids know about their father’s whereabouts?

Kukua: Yes. He doesn’t want them to visit him in prison but they know he’s been incarcerated.

DBM: Do they know about his crime?

Kukua: Yes, I told them everything

DBM: Everything, meaning they know you were the one who snitched on him?

Kukua: Yes

DBM: How do they feel about that?

Kukua: I have raised my boys to do the right things. They know what the right thing is, and have the strength of character to do and stand by it.

DBM: Good for you!

Kukua: My husband is asking for a divorce

DBM: Do you want a divorce?

Kukua: No

DBM: You have my sympathy by the way. I pray you figure out the best way to navigate yourself through this mess.

Kukua: Thank you. It’s a whole lot of mess. My in-laws are mad at me. His friends are mad at me. Everyone is mad at me.

DBM: You can’t fix a marriage with only one interested party

Kukua: Everything I’ve done, I’ve done out of love

DBM: He feels betrayed

Kukua: He did wrong. He committed a crime.

DBM: I concur. Find yourself a good lawyer and look out for your interests.

Kukua: My husband is my favorite interest. I have apologized for getting him locked up but he doesn’t want to hear it. He shuts down and would get defensive. It’s so frustrating

DBM: You questioned his character with your accusation, and now, being in jail belittles him. That is part of the emotional triggers he’s battling with.

Kukua: Do you think I did the wrong thing?

DBM: You did the right thing, though in a typical man’s thinking, what you did was none of your business.

Kukua: My husband can testify that I have been his source of support anytime he felt insecure or challenged. But I wasn’t going to stand up for him and publicly show my support for a wrongdoing. He was robbing my friend’s husband’s business. The same business that was supporting his livelihood. That wasn’t right.

DBM: I agree with you. I am just putting my male-thinking cap on to make you realize how he also might be feeling. A man expects his partner to protect him through thick and thin, because we believe it would go a long way to help everyone at the end of the day, including the kids.

Kukua: Let me tell you what else their investigations brought to the attention of the court; my husband was channeling the funds to build two, three separate bedroom homes. One of the properties was in the name of our first son, which I knew nothing of; and the other was in the name of a lady he had impregnated. Dave, mind you, I did not know anything about any of this. It came as a shock to me in court. And, I got to know of, and met his side-piece in court, heavily pregnant.

DBM: Oh no!

Kukua: That is how low he descended

DBM: You are 100% sure you did not call him out because he was having an affair?

Kukua: I did not know about that. And I would have confronted him if I knew about an affair. I told you; I used to go through his phone because I was curious about what he was up to with the Finance Officer.

DBM: Wow!

Kukua: Yeah, wow. My husband will deny doing something wrong while doing something wrong. Tell me, Dave, how do I protect a man from doing something wrong in situations where he feels there is no wrong?

DBM: This is a tough one

Kukua: Do you think he will ever forgive me? Because I know my marriage is worth fighting for

DBM: He will never forgive you. Let me tell you a true story. I know of three ladies in Ghana. They are all my cool friends. They are all divorced, unfortunately. Before their individual divorces, they had shared with me separate incidences where their ex-husbands had physically abused them. Two were choked and held down while being severely beaten during a heated argument; the other was punched in the face, slapped and pushed to the ground. He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her across the room in the presence of their children. I remember one of their kids narrating to me – how he heard and saw his dad insult his mum, while pulling her on the ground by the hair. All the ladies made a police case out of the assaults, and got their men arrested. They were put behind bars for 24-hour or less. Families of these men had to come in to apologize to their in-laws before they withdrew their charges against them. None of the ex-husband forgave their wives. They held the police incidents over their heads till they divorced them.

Kukua: That’s sad

DBM: Your husband is currently plotting his next move. And, it will be against you. It’s better to have a plan ‘A’ to ‘D’ before his release.

Kukua: I don’t know

DBM: You said he’s asking for a divorce, no?

Kukua: Yes

DBM: Look, I am no perfect person but I am telling you this for a fact: This your husband made conscious choices that ultimately led him to every single decision he has taken. He stepped out on your marriage and got another woman pregnant. Let him just keep stepping after prison. Understand that he made calculated choices to cross a series of boundaries. Grant him the divorce he’s requesting.

Kukua: Let me just pray about it. Thanks Dave.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Happiness Seeker

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Charlotte: Mr. David, how are you doing? I have a problem. I don’t know if it’s an actual problem or it’s just my own insecurities stemming from fear. I think my husband doesn’t want to be married anymore. He hasn’t specifically told me that but I feel like he’s checking out slowly on us.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Have you talked to him about your observation?

Charlotte: Yes. He thinks I’m worrying over nothing

DBM: Are you?

Charlotte: No. My husband is the type to say what you want to hear to make you happy. He’s not the kind to be upfront with the truth.

DBM: What made you want to marry a man who is not upfront with the truth?

Charlotte: Love

DBM: Ask him if he is happily married to you

Charlotte: Direct like that?

DBM: Would you not want to know?

Charlotte: I want to know but what if he says no? What happens to me?

DBM: If someone tells me they do not love me anymore, I will respect my own feelings and do everything possible to change the status quo.

Charlotte: He does not have time to spend with me and the children. He compensates the children by buying them things or taking them out once in a while.

DBM: Is he a workaholic?

Charlotte: His job isn’t that demanding

DBM: Is that a guesstimate or he said so himself?

Charlotte: He told me. That is why I find it a bit baffling. He has time for friends. He has time to have fun. He has time to travel. He has time for social gatherings. He has time to be on his phone, 24/7. If I am lucky to be invited to a public function alongside him, there would be no display of affection between us, but you will see him excited talking to the wives and girlfriends of other people.

DBM: So, at such functions, you can also talk to the husbands and boyfriends of other people. You don’t need your husband’s approval or permission to do that.

Charlotte: I don’t subscribe to tit for tat.

DBM: It’s not tit for tat. You need to take control of what interests you too. Your husband is probably engaging in conversations about politics, football, money, governance, work etc. with people. Find people who speak your same language and connect with them. You don’t have to have your husband at all cost to be doing things with you. It’s an indirect form of control. It pushes men away

Charlotte: What if I want him to be discussing those topics with me instead at home? What if I want to tag along when he’s traveling with someone to go on one of his exploration trips?

DBM: You want my opinion?

Charlotte: Of course,

DBM: Do not beg anyone to spend time with you, not even a husband. If you want to travel to sight-see, plan the trip and go anyways, with or without him. You know what you want. You know what you need. What is stopping you from telling your husband what you intend doing and doing it anyways?

Charlotte: I fear pushing him more away if I’m to start acting that way

DBM: I don’t know how you want to live the rest of your life but you need to adjust your priorities accordingly and become your own happiness seeker.

Charlotte: If he’s seeking his happiness and I am seeking mine, who will take care of the children?

DBM: Alternate your weekends. If he is going out this weekend, stay at home with the kids. Next weekend, you can go out and live your best life while he remains home with the kids. That is the fairest thing to do, in my opinion.

Charlotte: Dave, sometimes we need our husbands.

DBM: You have your husband

Charlotte: Yeah, but I need him to be a part of what we do as a family.

DBM: You need him because…?

Charlotte: There is no one else I would want by side.

DBM: Have you told him that?

Charlotte: In other words, yes.

DBM: No, I mean in those exact words

Charlotte: No.

DBM: Is he patient with you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he listen to you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he understand you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he let you cry?

Charlotte: I feel like sometimes he just doesn’t care if I cry

DBM: Has he been your constant support and encouragement?

Charlotte: Not really

DBM: Is he leading your family?

Charlotte: I don’t know

DBM: Does he provide for the family?

Charlotte: He’s doing the best he can

DBM: Does he protect your family?

Charlotte: I don’t know how to answer that. He’s generally not home. My son was telling me the other day that his father is hardly home to spend time with them.

DBM: Does he respect you?

Charlotte: I don’t know

DBM: Does he pray for you?

Charlotte: No

DBM: Is he honest with you?

Charlotte: Not really

DBM: Does he make you laugh?

Charlotte: Why all these questions?

DBM: A ‘yes’ to my questions should have been the only reason why you need your husband. Do not let your world close in on you because of marriage and children in the mix. There are some men who, the more you chase for their attention, the more they run from you. If you feel your husband is checking out, let him; while you work on differentiating yourself as an individual in your own right, while being connected to the marriage as a whole.

Charlotte: Hmmm

DBM: Marriage and family life is challenging, don’t get me wrong. I am figuring my own out the best way I know how. But truth is, no matter what you do or whatever your approach is, marriage and family life can be challenging.

Charlotte: Dave, thank you.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Sight Restored (Q&A)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hi Dave, I just read a comment from a Linda Sam. My healing commenced long before I became incapacitated. I loved my ex-husband but I was discerning enough to hold on to my own identity. When we married, I merged some of my money. We opened a joint account from which we paid all shared expenses. But I kept a separate account for myself. When it comes to finances in marriage, I admonish every woman not to merge every penny they earn in one joint family fund. My take home pay was $5700 and my ex-husband’s was Ghs10,400. He was putting in 45% of his income and I was contributing 55% of mine. I earn in USD so I was making 10 times his salary. My mother advised me to always have a hefty amount of money in a joint account if I married, so it can take care of any contingency, like unemployment or sickness, for at least, eight months.

The mutual expense account was divided into three separate funds which covered other savings, including emergency. My personal reserve had more than $95,000 as at the time I stopped working. Our joint savings was over $45,000 and this was more than enough for our family to get by for more than a year of me not working. When I divorced my husband, I had my own nest egg to fall back on. I didn’t even need to fight him over any property or alimony. I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. His only responsibility right now is to take care of his children.

Dave, life in Ghana is expensive. Life in general is expensive. Check the cost of living lately. It’s mad expensive. There is no guarantee of job security. Our salaries are not rising at the same rate as expenses. Every woman, single or married needs to be able to support herself. Having a boyfriend or husband doesn’t always mean that your financial needs will be met. Be committed to a trade. Push yourself to achieve more. Be busy, always on the move. Make your own money. Be thinking of your next move. Invest. Save. Do not settle for less. Strive for more, whether in your career or in the ways you manage your household.

Do not rely heavily on a husband. Do not rely on a man you’re in a relationship with for financial support. Pursue a career before you marry. If you are married, pursue a career outside of the home, because some of these men you think you’re in love with CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

Linda Sam, the process to my healing was in my personal bank account. It was solid. It could sustain me. I could depend on it. You may not be able to control how or when you’ll get your heart broken, but you can control how you choose to cope with it, and ultimately, move forward if you have the right amount of emergency and security nest in your fund. The next process was having compassion on myself. I was worthy of that. I was worthy of grace towards myself. I allowed my heart to grief and be sad. I taught my heart to forgive my ex. I went back to work to make new connections with new people. I did not depress my mental health because of an ex. I needed a fresh start, so I opened myself up to new experiences.

I have a new routine. I don’t stress about what my ex-husband and the nurse did. I no longer care whether what they did was unfair or wrong.

Sight Restored

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Isabella: Hello David. I was bitten by a tick which led to me being paralyzed for almost a year. I remember brushing my teeth one morning and could not see my face in the mirror. I started to see visions and was hearing loud noises out of nowhere, I became terrified because I thought I was losing my mind. I did not tell my husband about my deteriorating eyesight, and I doubt he suspected anything, until one Sunday afternoon, I walked past my five-year old son at home without seeing him. Hospital trips followed but the specialists couldn’t diagnose exactly what was happening to me. Let me save the first part of my story here. I will come and continue in few minutes.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Okay!

Isabella: Hi David. I am back.

DBM: Welcome back. What happened next?

Isabella: I lost my hearing and eyesight in the process. The worst happened to me a few weeks later. I woke up one morning and had to hold myself up with my arms. I felt an excruciating pain from the waist down, which left me with very minimal feelings. I was bedridden days later. My husband became my caretaker for weeks and I think he started to get tired of it. He had to go back to work, and I understood that. My mother visited to take over for some time but had to also leave because my sister had given birth. It was her first baby after being married for 9 years. My husband then arranged with a young nurse who was willing to attend to me privately at home every day for a fee. She was the perfect help by all standards. She supported me to live a better and healthier life. Unbeknownst to my blind ass, my husband had made a separate arrangement with the nurse to be staying in our house.

DBM: Wait! At this point, you couldn’t see nor hear, no?

Isabella: Yes, and bedridden. I was being wheeled in a chair.

DBM: Ha!

Isabella: I realized she had been sleeping over because the nurse would be offering round-the-clock care and assistance, sometimes, even at dawn. In the sixth month of my dilemma, I noticed my breasts had become tender around the time I should have been expecting my period. It was confusing but I had seen the signs before. I was technically 4 weeks pregnant. I have a 28-day cycle, and had missed my period. Miraculously, I gained my eyesight and hearing when I became pregnant. The first thing I witnessed that evening was how close my husband and the nurse had built their own trusting relationship. They were kissing, right before my eyes. My son was asleep in his room.

DBM: Oh, my word!

Isabella: The nurse was overjoyed and excited and was discussing her mixed emotions with my husband because she had found out she was also pregnant with his child.

DBM: Ha! How did that make you feel?

Isabella: It was a difficult emotion to embrace. I couldn’t confront them because at first, I thought I was hallucinating. But it was what I was seeing. I kept my cool and continued to pretend I couldn’t see them. In fact, I got to know that they knew each other and were together long before my illness. I saw and heard a lot. I recorded a lot on my phone. Dave, would you want to know the straw that broke the camel’s back?

DBM: This camel, I doubt can take anymore load. What!

Isabella: There were many times at dawn that this nurse would get me out of bed while I’m asleep, and put me in the wheelchair. She moved me across the room to take my place in my matrimonial bed to have sex with my husband. I witnessed a few when I gained my eyesight and hearing.

DBM: I am terribly sorry about that.

Isabella: Don’t be. What would be would be.

DBM: Can you walk now?

Isabella: Yes, thankfully.

DBM: What about the pregnancy?

Isabella: I had my baby girl

DBM: Congratulations!

Isabella: Thanks, Dave.

DBM: You mind me asking how you kept your cool after what you heard and saw?

Isabella: I did not want to be stressed. It’s not healthy for me or my baby. Though I was in shock, I would be breathing in slowly for a count of five, holding my breath, and then pushing it back out for a count of five. That is how I managed to keep my cool.

DBM: I just tried to reverse the circumstances of the main characters of your story in my head. Your husband wouldn’t have survived even a week in your shoes. A lot of you women have had to tolerate so much disrespect and deceit, and have had to extend forgiveness on the daily to men who had vowed to do right by you.

Isabella: I did not waste away in the marriage after getting back on my feet. I divorced him. I had so much proof against them. Videos, audios, pictures. It was exhausting and hurtful. It was draining, being a cogwheel in such an unfortunate-go-round that never seemed to end.

DBM: Do you work?

Isabella: Yes. I returned to my old job. I am the IT Program Manager (Systems and Services Solution Team Lead) for an international organization.

DBM: Good. I thank GOD for your life. You know, not all men are like that!

Isabella: I know, Dave. I don’t hold one man’s actions against all others. No two men are the same.

DBM: It’s rather unfortunate that people would do and say any and everything they feel they’re entitled to, how they want, when they want, without taking a moment to think of the effects their actions and words have on those around them.

Isabella: I am a woman full of love and I had given him every ounce of it from my heart. The least I deserved was to be seen and treated the way I saw and treated him and our son. I deserved respect even when I wasn’t capable of seeing it. He made a choice. I made mine. Life goes on like that.

DBM: Being decent is a superpower because it is hard to want to do the right thing and be a man or woman of integrity.

Isabella: Yes

DBM: Do you miss him?

Isabella: I miss him, but that ship has long sailed. We co-parent our children beautifully, and that’s all I care about for now.

DBM: You have a son. A male child is a father’s favorite puzzle. How are you ensuring he doesn’t grow up to become what you hate?

Isabella: I am teaching my son how to be sensitive and respectful. I am teaching him about self-discipline. I am teaching him how to be compassionate and live it daily. I want him to grow into a man who will make a loving and caring companion. I am teaching him how to be empathetic. I am teaching him about honesty, kindness and hard work. I am helping him to feel secure. He already knows his sense of worth. He also knows he is deeply loved and he’s learning how to acknowledge his own feelings. He knows he’s equipped to express exactly how he’s feeling to us. And I am teaching him to take responsibility for his actions. It will greatly benefit the woman he marries someday. But most importantly, even better for the man he himself becomes.

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