Men Don’t Weep When They Cry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I just want to say something about the last posts you put out. Especially the last one about the woman seeking divorce. I feel men are being accused wrongly of not caring, and I want to let women know that men too cry inside when they are in childless marriages. Dave, I am a man in my 40’s, and so is my wife, and we’ve been married for six years. We have been trying for a child since we married. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is a teenager and lives with her mum. We have tried everything from visiting hospitals, wellness centers, churches to even a shrine but all to no joy.

Family and societal pressures have started coming in with the usual ‘go and have a child outside’, ‘your bloodline will die out’ etc. Sometimes there’s the ridicule from friends and family, and the most annoying part is the “what are you waiting for” questions. Look, as a man, hearing these things make you feel sad inside but due to the man you are, you have to walk chest-out-chin so no one knows what you going through.

My wife thinks I don’t care about our situation with my nonchalant attitude. She prays a lot and is ever willing to heed to any advice from someone who gives a recommendation here or there. But as men we don’t think like that. We analyze stuff and look at the risks and opportunity costs involved. Yes, children are not opportunity costs but where you find yourself financially also makes taking certain decisions very tough, especially when you have tried just about everything.

Men think a lot when they have no child in their marriages but do not show emotions like women do because of our ego, which is very important to us. I for one have never, and will never ask or chastise my wife for not having kids. I believe what ever will be will be, and I thank God I am not the kind of man who succumbs to pressure, else, maybe I would have done something by now.

I just want women to know that men breakdown because they have no kids with their wives, but have to show ‘macho faces’ to keep the boat afloat. Imagine both husband and wife sulking each day because of childlessness, who will console who? It is not only women who become exhausted and dazed over this process. Men like me are most often on the sidelines figuring out exactly how we can also be of help. It’s tough watching my wife go through unexplainable moments. I know I am sensitive to her feelings while we go through each passing day. No one can adequately prepare for the emotional resiliency needed to just endure times like these.

I do love my wife so dearly, and in-as-much as I would want to be a parent, I am also choosing to enjoy this beautiful relationship and friendship I have with my wife today. I am equally enjoying the time I have to myself, because who knows, should a child come today, we may not have this much time for ourselves.

My dear beautiful wife,

I am proud of the woman you are and the wife you are to me. I hurt when I see you so upset because of our inability to have children at the moment. I hurt when I see disappointment on your face. I believe anything is possible, and these times should rather be bringing us together to look forward to our future as a team, whereby we make decisions even if under stress. You’re everything important to me, so let’s learn how to prioritize what is important, versus what could be just noise in the background. Life can be such that, we may plan alright in our minds and desire whatever, but it would never turn out as expected. I lean on you, so lean on me. Trust that I have your best interest at heart, with or without children. Our happiness should not be on hold while others progress. There should be no room for anything else but us right now.

To the lady who has decided to settle for divorce, well it’s in your right to do whatever you want but if your husband shows nonchalant attitude and you think he just sleeps while you weep at night, I want to tell you that he has his weep days; you only do not see it because he’s a ‘man’, and supposed to be the strong one amongst you two. He’s apparently shocked at the divorce because it’s the last thing he expected. I say this because per your story, his only crime is he sleeps and displays a nonchalant attitude towards the issue.

Written by DD

Image Credit: Cristiano Silva

A Child; Security to my Marriage

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 5 Comments

This morning I struggled getting out of bed and quickly took my phone to call in sick at work. Last night, I could barely get into bed up until the wee hours of the night. When I finally did, I watched my husband deep in his sleep unbothered by the happenings of life. I thought about the happy times we had shared but our future was assured only, if I could conceive a baby . I held my chin as tears rolled down my cheeks, my heart beat, threatening to leave my rib cage and I asked myself  “when will the baby come?”

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for the last five years with no success. If you ever told me I would struggle with infertility I would have laughed it out but that is my reality today. It is quite a dark place to be in as a woman because societal expectations dictates that after marriage there comes children; it has not been the case for me.

Having no children has resulted in unbearable pains in my marriage. I live in fear that as time passes by, my husband will ask for a divorce and I cannot help it. My husband is not the only person who thinks our marriage could come to a standstill but even friends; the plumber and the gateman have come advising me to secure my marriage which means ‘bear forth fruit for him’. If only they could tell them that I have gone for countless doctor visits, tried all sorts of concoctions and medications to no success.

Every month my period starts it is a reminder that I am running short of time to save my marriage. This month’s period has numbed my body because I recently discovered my husband has been trying to conceive with someone else. I have struggled with so many emotions knowing that if they succeed I will lose the person I love the most. I spend endless hours in the bathroom sobbing asking my womb “why can’t you bear fruit?” After all the rhetoric questioning, I stand up, open the door and conceal my feelings of shame, sadness and despair.

Today being Mother’s Day, I entreat all of us to be kind to waiting wombs. And if you’re wondering whether I have been able to secure my marriage, I have not. How I wish days could stand still for me to enjoy my marriage and for my husband to stop threatening divorce each passing month he sees me on my period.

Written by WM

Image Credit: Caleb + Kaci Carson

Let’s Talk To Syid

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 103: Syid

DBM: Hi Syid. How would you describe yourself?

Syid: Dealing with unprocessed anger, hurt, frustration and resentment

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Syid: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Syid: My father’s brother was like a friend to me. Because my dad used to travel a lot, he was the one who represented as my father-figure during PTA meetings, whenever my mother couldn’t come. He helped me go through difficult times in my life; he taught me how to save and invest. He is the reason I can simply accept what is, in my life. He’s lived his life in such a way that, no one will suffer because of him; he takes very good care of himself. Dave, I understand the importance of hard work and sacrifice because my uncle is a living example of what that means. My father died last year. Family and visitors came to our house till he was buried. I assumed there was no one home when I arrived a month after my dad’s burial; only to hear these little noises coming from my mother’s bedroom, after I shouted her name to be sure she was home. When I got to her bedroom door, which was partially closed, I saw my uncle, naked. He had put a pillow on his lap to cover his boner.

DBM: Oh, my!

Syid: Before I could express my shock, he shouted my name and said, ‘I’m your father, boy’

DBM: As in?

Syid: My biological father

DBM: Where was your mother in this moment?

Syid: Seated next to him. She confirmed his claim, saying she was attracted to my uncle for over a year before the man I believed was my actual father swept her off her feet with money and good living. My uncle used to work for my father. My mum says, she never thought what she had with my uncle could come to anything because it was just attraction from a distance. But after my late father started traveling to work in different places, and would come home once or twice a month during the weekends, she found herself bouncing back to the man she once cared for deeply.

DBM: Did she love your late father?

Syid: She was married but unhappy

DBM: I can only imagine

Syid: She also said, she had known my uncle longer and had naturally begun to imagine what the future would have looked like with him. They discussed plans like marriage, renting a house together, divorcing my dad and starting a family of their own.

DBM: How would you describe your late father?

Syid: He was also one of the kindest people I had ever seen. He loved all of his children and had a great sense of humor. He had no enemies

DBM: How many siblings do you have?

Syid: We’re three

DBM: You’re the eldest?

Syid: No, the second

DBM: How old are you?

Syid: 32

DBM: Is your uncle married?

Syid: He never married. That’s one thing I could never understand

DBM: But he had girlfriends, no?

Syid: I never saw him with one

DBM: Has he other children?

Syid: Not that I know of. Come to think of it, I think I saw signs of him and my mother being too close for my liking when I was young. Many times, he visited us at home in my father’s absence, he could look over at my mother, and their eyes would meet, and then mum would look down – and sometimes would open her mouth in shock and burst into laughter because my uncle would be having a hard-on. I’ve seen him slap my mum’s butt in the kitchen on two different occasions when I was young. And she used to leave us at home to watch all the TV in the world and sleep anytime we wanted on Fridays or weekends that my father wasn’t around. On those days, I remember she used to dress sexier than usual to go out. I have seen my uncle come up behind my mum, grab her by the hips, and slow-dance with her, but stopped the moment I walked in on them after school.

DBM: Your young eyes have seen a lot

Syid: But it didn’t click back then

DBM: He was your favorite uncle; how would anything click for you?

Syid: This life is fucked up

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now – talking about them?

Syid: I feel conflicted with hate for both mum and uncle

DBM: Have you talked to your mother and uncle about how you feel?

Syid: I don’t know how I feel, Mr. Dave. I feel betrayed

DBM: Do you think they intentionally wanted to hurt your feelings?

Syid: I don’t know, but whatever they’ve done has made me cry

DBM: I understand your tears. Perhaps, when all the mixed-feelings are less, you could consider being upfront with them about how you feel being kept out of the picture

Syid: Would it make the shock of it any hurtful?

DBM: Fortunately for you, you have a better understanding of your mother’s past with your father’s brother. You have your own recollections of the both of them – even though you could not put two-and-two together. I believe this should help you to find a more manageable resolution with them.

Syid: I grew up looking up to my parents and uncle. They were my favorite role models and how I wanted my own family to look like

DBM: You can still process your emotions through this. Do you know if your siblings are your late father’s children?

Syid: Mum says they are. There are DNA-test results to prove it

DBM: I see

Syid: These changes everything about my life in a massive way, realizing the man I thought was my father actually isn’t

DBM: The bottom line is this, they put you kids first. Both fathers and mother were present to teach you, guide you and help you to become who you all are today. They did not just create you, they loved on you – regardless. Hating on them now may be valid an emotion, but ask yourself if it’s healthy for you

Syid: Easier said than done

DBM: One thing I always tell myself is that, I am not answerable for what I experience at the hands of others. People willingly choose to do whatever they feel like doing to either hurt or uplift my feelings. The only mature thing I can do is to simply hold on to the control that I have in restoring my own mental and relational sanity

Image Credit: Tom Adabi

Let’s Talk To Aurora

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 102: Ms. Aurora is my name

DBM: Hello Aurora. How would you describe yourself?

Aurora: The measurement of pleasure my body needs to reach orgasm. That is to say, I have better acceleration, which equates my overall performance in bed

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Aurora: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Aurora: I want to talk about my job as a sex-worker. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be who I am today, and I am so glad that I did not bury myself in self-doubt with a laundry list of explanations as to why I couldn’t rent my body to men willing to pay and use me for their pleasure. Let me also state that, nothing went wrong in my life for me to be doing this job. There is no shame in this; just like any other profession, I showed up and made myself available to my first client. Even though I didn’t have any experience the first time, I knew the experience would come with time. I became available to different clients to stretch myself in ways that weren’t always comfortable, and my sex life earnt the benefits. Dave, one of the most beautiful and intimate things every woman ought to do with someone else is to fuck them.

DBM: How old are you?

Aurora: 35

DBM: How long have you been in the business?

Aurora: 13 years and counting

DBM: You started when you were 22 years?

Aurora: Yes

DBM: What is the one thing you believe works – when it comes to sex?

Aurora: Sex makes sense when the individuals engaging in it know how to stem pleasure out of their own selves. Understanding what pleases you sexually and tapping into it during sex to please yourself will make you enjoy the act even better. A lot of the time, we want to please the ones we’re fucking so bad that, our focus shifts rather to performance. Sex is not about performance; sex should be for your own pleasure. Own your body, know what makes you tick and groan. I always tell my clients, it’s not my duty or responsibility to make you cum. I am responsible for my own orgasm, no man is. I know what makes me orgasm, that is why I do not share my glory with anyone. I don’t believe any man performs poorly in bed. If a woman knows how to keep her body excited, she will have no time to mark her partner’s performance. If a man knows how to take a swing at himself for a cum during sex, he will never criticize his partner for being boring in bed.

DBM: Do you know your body count?

Aurora: I’ve been with a lot of men. Let’s say a 100+

DBM: Is the sex protected?

Aurora: Always. I believe in safe sex and pleasure. Luckily for me, condoms provide me both. It’s all about the approach. I make my clients find putting on condoms sexy. And they always end up feeling good after using it.

DBM: What are your customer demographics?

Aurora: I don’t pay attention to that, but 97% of the men could be married

DBM: What does that inform you?

Aurora: I can only draw from the interactions some clients have had with me. They said their spouses find solace in motherhood rather than being wives. Some claim their wives have even forgotten that they exist

DBM: Can you use yourself to explain what you stated earlier concerning pleasuring yourself during intercourse with a client?

Aurora: I understand my body because I know me and what can make me orgasm without even touching my count. My nipples and inner thighs bring me so much pleasure. They are my crazy, sensitive hot spots that can set off explosives through my whole body. When I am with a client, I stimulate my breasts in ways that automatically provokes a sexual response from the men. When I place ice cubes in slow motion on my inner thighs, the mood it sets me in takes any man from just observing and loving it to, ‘I’ve got to have you right now’

DBM: Do you think people pay attention to their bodies?

Aurora: No, they don’t. They rather expect others to know how to pleasure them so they can reach orgasm. I don’t roll that way. That’s why I use my first encounter with every new client as a teaching session. I help them to discover and activate their sweet selves so they can trigger their own orgasmic responses for themselves. Our bodies are roofed with extremely delicate areas that we often aren’t making any efforts on our own to explore to the fullest

DBM: How do you perceive the ordinary Ghanaian man in bed?

Aurora: Useless.

DBM: That bad?

Aurora: Most Ghanaian and African men only dream of lasting long in bed to prove they’re good at sex. But they’re not good, that’s the truth. I’ve been with almost 250 men in total. They all sucked initially. They penetrate and thrust from different positions, delay ejaculation for it to take them from five minutes, to half an hour (depending on their stamina) before getting off or climaxing. What could have been fun for both parties rather turn out to be exhausting, and not to mention, frustrating. Many of my married female friends all say the same thing, ‘sex with their husbands feels like a waste of their time and energy’. Many ladies’ fake orgasms because of communication hitches in their relationships. So, when you hear her groan, moan or scream the ‘Ah, yes, yeah, Mmmm, Ou, harder, feels so good, etc.’ during vaginal sex, majority of them only are triggering your cum-fest to draw near, so you can pull the hell out of her.

DBM: Are you dating?

Aurora: No. I have not met the type of man who is open and would consent to the kind of relationship I want

DBM: What’s your kind?

Aurora: I want to have more than one sexual partner; I want to love more than one person at a time, yet being emotionally accountable to each of the partners involved.

DBM: You have kids?

Aurora: I don’t want children now

DBM: Thank you for making time to chat.

Image Credit: Nathan B. Caldeira

Let’s Talk To Liam

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 101: Liam

DBM: Hi Liam. How would you describe yourself?

Liam: Husband, brother and friend.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Liam: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Liam: I want to talk about one of my sisters and the man she’s in love with. We had a neighbor when we were young. He died in a mysterious car accident with his wife and left behind their 14-year-old son. My dad was very good friends with the man, and so he discussed with the uncle and other relatives of the boy to adopt him. He promised them to see him through school etc., which he did eventually. But before that happened, he had become our house-help. I don’t remember how it all started but I know my mother started pushing house chores on him. As the years went by, he became the main helping hand without whom our family would have felt the burden. His name is Thomas. He was cleaning, washing, weeding, sweeping, running errands for my parents… basically working for us every day, and was always late for school.

DBM: You all attended the same school?

Liam: Yes. Though he would come to school late, he attended classes regularly.

DBM: Okay!

Liam: My mother started to not like him. She would breathe on his neck whenever he was doing the chores. My other two sisters would shadow him when my mother was not around

DBM: Why?

Liam: Because my dad always made references in his favor when our school reports were released. They wanted him to know his place in the house, I guess. Thomas was a hard-working student who had a love for learning. He achieved high scores on his tests and final exams. His name was always part of the top 5 in the class.

DBM: You were both in the same grade?

Liam: Yes, but I wasn’t as brilliant. Average I’d say. Anytime he excelled in an exam or topped our class, my father would reward him with cash or buy something expensive for him, which my mother would later take it. I have three sisters, two were always grumpy whenever Thomas was around them, and they made sure he felt unwelcomed at home and in school. My younger sister was just like me, average academically, and wasn’t pulling her weight in class. She was very nice to Thomas, and because of that, he decided to help her with her assignments and would teach her to understand problems she couldn’t solve in school. My sister suddenly wasn’t overwhelmed by the feeling of not scoring an ‘A’, and could stand back to assess her attitude towards studies.

DBM: How many siblings are you?

Liam: We’re six in number.

DBM: I see

Liam: Thomas had aggregate 06 but my mother didn’t allow him to further his education that year. By that time, my father was working abroad, so the major decisions at home were solely taken by my mother. Thomas only got the chance to continue his education after everyone of my siblings had completed senior secondary school.

DBM: Oh, wow!

Liam: That’s my mother for you. By the way, I cannot stand my own mother

DBM: I can only image

Liam: Thomas and my younger sister built an unspoken bond. He managed to get my sister to care about her grades, and was willing to work on improving them. I can confidently say that, my sister achieved success in her education because he helped her to value education.

DBM: What is Thomas’ current profession?

Liam: He is a biology teacher at a Senior High School

DBM: What about your little sister?

Liam: She’s a medical doctor

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Liam: I’m a Systems consultant

DBM: How about your other siblings?

Liam: They’re all doing well; married with children. The only single person is my younger sister. She doesn’t want to be with any other man but Thomas. We all know my mother will not agree to this love story. My dad is presently at a stage where, whatever my mother says goes. My other sisters do not like Thomas, and the two brothers just don’t care.

DBM: How old is your little sister?

Liam: 28

DBM: Thomas is a teacher. Why wouldn’t your mother accept him?

Liam: My mother demeans people who are beneath her level. So, for a man like Thomas, though she knows him to be hardworking and kind, and with good character, and can do his share of work at home diligently when married, she still will assume he wouldn’t be able to properly contribute financially in a marriage – because she knows how much Ghanaian teachers in the public sector earn. She sees such men to be handicapped. To her, they will become burdens on their wives and wouldn’t want any of her daughters married to one. And so far, she’s ensured it never happened under her watch with my sisters.

DBM: But a woman who is underemployed or lowly paid is still dateable and a marriage prospect, no?

Liam: Dave, as I said, I will not even marry women like my mother and two other sisters. They do not only prefer men who make more money, but they have to make significantly more before they can fall in love

DBM: How old is Thomas?

Liam: He is 34

DBM: You’re 34 yourself?

Liam: Yes. Will be 35 in September

DBM: How is Thomas doing?

Liam: He is the reason I reached out to you. He is fine. He was here days ago to inform me he is genuinely interested in my younger sister and fond of spending time with her. My sister always wanted it to be him; he knew this but was cautious because of my family. Now, he’s realized he is falling in love with her but does not want to confess his feelings for her yet, till he is sure of how my mother and sisters would take the news. He also mentioned a decision my sister has taken, to get pregnant with his baby out of wedlock before the year ends. He doesn’t know which is a good idea

DBM: Your mother and sisters may be looking at Thomas through a stereotypical lens, but again, that is them. Your sister is not obliged to buy into that. You all have your lived experiences with him. It should have nothing to do with who is right or wrong about him. It rather should be about seeing your options clearly when it comes to Thomas.

Liam: That’s exactly how I feel

DBM: Did he mention your sister in his future plans?

Liam: He wants to start a family with her. I know he is finding ways to include her in his future and also fit himself into hers. Can you post our chat on Facebook, so people can suggest ideas on their situation? I have asked him and my sister to follow your Facebook platform.

DBM: I will publish it on Wednesday.

Image Credit: Ron Lach

Let’s Talk To Okaile

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 100: Okaile

DBM: Hello Okaile. How would you describe yourself?

Okaile: 🙆🏽‍

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Okaile: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Okaile: My husband’s boss has asked me out, and he says my husband gave him my phone number and the go-ahead to approach me. My husband did not deny it when I confronted him. All he said was, his pending promotion depends on it, and he wants me to do something I have never done for him.

DBM: Did he state exactly what he wants you to do – which you have never done for him?

Okaile: Yes! He wants me to have one-time romantic affair with his boss

DBM: In other words, sleep with his boss?

Okaile: Yes

DBM: How long have you been married?

Okaile: Nine years

DBM: Kids?

Okaile: Yes, we have a son.

DBM: How old is your son?

Okaile: He is six years

DBM: Why do you think your husband is bold enough to request such from you?

Okaile: David, I am shocked. He thinks it would be a fun experience for me – since he is the only man I have known intimately, for the past 10 years.

DBM: Do you find the request funny?

Okaile: Absolutely not!

DBM: Are you the only woman your husband has known sexually, since you married?

Okaile: I don’t know, but I hope yes

DBM: Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him?

Okaile: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Okaile: He was begging me to consider doing it for his sake

DBM: Your husband?

Okaile: Yes!

DBM: Have you spoken up about your frustration?

Okaile: I told him I will not do it

DBM: And?

Okaile: He says he desperately needs this promotion because it’s everything he’s wanted. I am disappointed in my husband. I feel very angry right now

DBM: Bottling up all these feelings will only make the bitterness boil

Okaile: When I tell him no, he keeps begging me to consider

DBM: What’s your deepest fear?

Okaile: That he will use it against me someday

DBM: Or leave you

Okaile: Exactly!

DBM: Do not experiment anything thrown at you, simply because it would make your husband’s dream come true

Okaile: I think I caused it

DBM: How is that?

Okaile: I have been the one always telling my husband that he can count on me through thick and thin. Dave, I deeply care about his needs, and I have been constantly there for him any time he’s needed me.

DBM: And this was the best test he could throw your way?

Okaile: He recently bought me a new car. I am just finding out it actually was a gift given to me by his boss. They had talked about me months ago, and had discussed what could pull me in the challenge. A cheque of £5,000 was also presented to me

DBM: Why is his boss interested in you?

Okaile: I know him

DBM: Prior to your husband working for him?

Okaile: Yes!

DBM: How do you know him?

Okaile: We used to date

DBM: Before you met your husband?

Okaile: Yes

DBM: Why didn’t the relationship work out?

Okaile: He was married

DBM: Is he single now?

Okaile: No! He is still married

DBM: Does your husband know about your past with him?

Okaile: I don’t think so. After ending things with him, I made sure we didn’t remain friends

DBM: How long was this?

Okaile: 14 years ago. Now that my husband has given my number to him, he’s been messaging me frequently.

DBM: Your best bet would be having a one-on-one conversation with your ex.

Okaile: I can’t

DBM: Why can’t you?

Okaile: I wouldn’t be able to draw any boundaries if I am to meet with him

DBM: Do you have any trust in your marriage to your husband?

Okaile: I do

DBM: So, what’s the problem then?

Okaile: I don’t trust myself

DBM: You have not gotten over him?

Okaile: I thought I did. The spark might rekindle looking at how I am feeling right now

DBM: Awww! Poor you!

Okaile: I feel so bad

DBM: Did you love him?

Okaile: With all of my heart

DBM: Sometimes eh, our connections with certain exes can be as special as however long it takes to heal

Okaile: I don’t think I healed from that break-up

DBM: Didn’t it ever occur to you when your husband applied for a job with him?

Okaile: I didn’t know he was the owner of that company. Our relationship was a one-way street. I never asked questions or bothered to know more about him. We broke up because I found out he had a wife. And, he was my first boyfriend.

DBM: You need to tell your husband. He is currently your most important focus

Okaile: I can’t

DBM: This is something that has gone on in your life that you should be able to easily tell your husband, if he’s able to pitch his boss to you

Okaile: You will not understand

DBM: Help me understand

Okaile: My ex is the first man I ever loved. I told my husband about him; I just didn’t put a name to the description. If I become his friend again, it will quickly turn to romance. Our emotions will be stirred all over again, and the romance I thought I put away will begin to take form and shape. Those strong feelings I had for him will rear its ugly head; and the one-time escapade for my husband’s sake will turn to other secret meetings. I will start lying to my husband because of an affair.  That old flame wasn’t properly laid down.

DBM: But you’ve carried new fire for nine years, no?

Okaile: The old never died

DBM: You need to tell your husband, if the thought of his suggestion already is making you develop hidden feelings for your ex. Your husband wasn’t uncomfortable about the idea of you sleeping with his boss. Tell him, even if this disclosure will make you feel embarrassed.

Image Credit: Beingthetraveller

Let’s Talk To Coffie

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 99: Coffie

DBM: Hi Coffie. How would you describe yourself?

Coffie: I try not to cross the line of being inappropriate. I’m a gentleman

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Coffie: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Coffie: I smoke cannabis every day before going to bed, because it relaxes my nerves. I cannot do without dope, also because it puts me in the mood for sex. I love sex; every woman I have been with orgasms satisfactorily because the weed increases my sex drive. Pot alters my sexual libido to do more rounds of sex when I am high. Even though my girlfriend testifies to the amplified pleasurable sensations that arises in her when I am high on marijuana, she doesn’t like the fact that I smoke weed. She wants me to quit smoking; something I don’t think I can do.

DBM: How old are you?

Coffie: 39

DBM: And, for how long have you been smoking weed?

Coffie: Since I was in SSS 2. A few of my friends were into it, and I became curious and later wanted to experiment. Initially, it was just for the fun of it but I got to realize it was a stress reliever. I could manage my emotions and moods, cope with depression and anxiety; it helped me feel good, forgetting all of my worries. I could sleep better, analyze situations from a higher perspective and it takes away boredom

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Coffie: I am a Petroleum Engineer

DBM: How long have you and your woman been an item?

Coffie: Two years

DBM: She’s known you to be smoking all this while?

Coffie: Yes. I was actually blowing off steam in my car the first time she walked up to me

DBM: Why does she wants you to stop?

Coffie: I usually keep my smoking habits discrete and can carry on through my daily activities without smelling like dope. Her family invited us to dinner, and I think the smell of the weed smoke had clinged on my skin and shirt. Her dad and brothers got the hint and they weren’t in favor of our relationship before I could even introduce myself to them.

DBM: I hate the smell of weed. I would not have liked you either

Coffie: But Dave, my favorite flower has different aromas. Do you know about that?

DBM: I don’t!

Coffie: It depends on the strain; however, I will not dispute the fact that, some can be dramatically strong

DBM: How much weed had you smoked prior to the family dinner?

Coffie: Just two rolls, nothing major

DBM: I see

Coffie: My girlfriend wants me to either stop smoking or lose her

DBM: That’s easy, no?

Coffie: Easy how?

DBM: You’re going to stop smoking because you love her

Coffie: I love her, but I don’t want to feel pressured by a woman who is using my love for her to make an uncomfortable decision that does not align with my desires and beliefs.

DBM: You think she’s trying to control you by making such a request?

Coffie: She’s already been denying me sex, because I’m still smoking. I find her recent attitude towards me to be manipulative. Boss, I don’t treat her bad, I don’t chase after other women when I am in a relationship. I am aroused when I am high and my woman is the only person I think about. Why is she threatening to leave me because I won’t stop smoking?

DBM: Why do you love her?

Coffie: She’s sincere, and I love waking up next to her every morning. I want her in my future because she has an awesome body and enormous arse; we’ve made good memories and I get amazed when she doesn’t know how beautiful she is. She’s very gentle and kind, smart and sometimes, humorous. Her car is always messy and would argue with me if I try to clean it. I love those little arguments with her. A few things about her that I admire; her smile, laughter, energy, enthusiasm. She’s my close to flawless.

DBM: Did she give her reasons as to why she doesn’t want you to be smoking weed anymore?

Coffie: No! And I don’t want to carry any resentment towards her due to this disagreement

DBM: Prior to the family dinner, was she okay with your smoking habit?

Coffie: No, but she wasn’t making an issue out of it. She understood this was me. Now, I am stuck with what to do.

DBM: Do you see yourself giving up smoking any time soon?

Coffie: Dave, if I did not give it up as a teenager to stay in parents’ house, what makes you think I would now? I don’t do alcohol. I don’t do tobacco. I don’t chase women. Why should I give up the one thing that keeps me on my toes to work hard for my money?

DBM: You will choose weed over the love of your life?

Coffie: My simple rule in life is that, if a woman can ask me to choose between something I enjoy and her, then she’s already making the choice easier for me. Because I will never put someone I care about in that position of choosing

DBM: Is smoking it the only way you can take it?

Coffie: No, but smoking it is my favorite. I vape it sometimes. When I am at work, I eat or just drink the grass.

DBM: Don’t you think part of her concerns could be, marijuana being addictive and harmful to your health?

Coffie: It does not affect me in a bad way. I am fine

DBM: You are certain it does not affect productivity at work?

Coffie: I don’t get high at work. My body is accustomed to the amount I take at work. The effects wear off in seconds. I am always sober during working hours

DBM: Hmmm!

Coffie: Dave, I know what I want in life. I know what I want to do with my life. I know the name of the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know my final destination ahead of time; that is why I am making the choices I make and taking these little, necessary steps to get me there. People who may not understand me may see my choices to be bad, but my ‘bad’ choices are also bringing me to the right places and people.

DBM: Does your girlfriend follow my Facebook platform?

Coffie: I don’t know

DBM: This is what I can suggest, I will let you have the last word to tell her something. When I publish our chat on my blog, I will send you the link so you send it to her to read. Cool?

Coffie: That is also a good idea

DBM: You have the last word

Coffie: Matilda, have a little faith and trust in our process. It’s just you and me in this, remember? Just as I allow you to be yourself in the relationship, can you allow me to be myself too? I don’t feel comfortable changing who I am to fit into your family’s ideals of who the right man for you should be. You are fervently religious and I am not, yet we’ve always found a common ground to be happy. We’ve both made sacrifices because we truly love what we have and like each other very much. I don’t think we are too different to allow whatever is causing this friction between us to eat away our faith in love. I love you, and I want to be able to express this feeling without being judged. Please allow me to be my true self around you and let’s have an interesting relationship. I am available tonight to discuss your expectations and boundaries, and any other ways we feel we can be of support to one another. I don’t want our differences to cause any more issues in the relationship.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Bubune

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 98: I’m Bubune

DBM: Hello Bubune. How would you describe yourself?

Bubune: Born-again husband

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Bubune: Eight out of 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Bubune: I was 29 years old when I married my wife. I did not love her as at that time because I wasn’t ready for love. In hindsight, I would say I was marrying a wife while I still had other girls on my mind. I wasn’t secure in the woman I was marrying; I wasn’t satisfied when we settled for the honeymoon. I knew she loved me more than I liked her because it was supposed to be casual sex with no strings attached. But she got pregnant, and her dad being the Area Head of their church, decided we got married. Abortion was off the table. A wedding was planned in less than three months, and part of our package was to travel outside Ghana, a week after the wedding.

DBM: How did you two know each other?

Bubune: My dad is also a retired Apostle. Our parents were friends

DBM: Okay?

Bubune: When we left the shores of Ghana, I was all my wife had. She doesn’t make friends easily, and she couldn’t relate to my kinds of friends either. Here I was with a woman I did not love and feared hurting her feelings because she would have been devastated.

DBM: Why were you having sex with her – if you did not like her?

Bubune: You mean before marriage?

DBM: Yes

Bubune: She wanted to try sex for the first time. I was one of the few friends she had and could talk to about it. Our friendship wasn’t that tight but she knew she could trust me.

DBM: How old was she?

Bubune: 23 or 24. She knew I did not love her, even on our wedding day, because I had a serious girlfriend – though I was exploring outside the relationship with other girls.

DBM: Yeah, a woman knows when you are not that much into her. She will know when you are not excited about her; when you do not miss or want her; when you do not see a future together with her in it

Bubune: Unfortunately, she did not mind being stuck with me

DBM: Her reasons being?

Bubune: Initially, she thought dependability and monetary refuge could make up for love. I had a good paying job in Canada, and was living the life. She also had the nerve, sanguinity and a hefty amount of hope in her future with me. She told me once, ‘you will learn how to love me one day.’

DBM: Were you her first boyfriend?

Bubune: I think so. She was a virgin when we had sex

DBM: ‘You will learn how to love me one day’. Did you?

Bubune: I did

DBM: At what point did you start realizing it?

Bubune: My text messages with her started putting smiles on my face for no apparent reason. There were no butterflies in my stomach, or anything. All I know is, I could trust her, and tell her everything. I could tell her about the women I was hooking up with, the sex-gone-bad a day or night before; the new girl I thought I was falling in love with or flirting with me, etc.

DBM: Interesting. She wasn’t peeved or jealous?

Bubune: She probably was but I think she denied her feelings of rage and jealousy. She could make fun of me or be cynical to the extent that, I rather begun assuming she didn’t care about me anymore.

DBM: Was how she felt about you significant?

Bubune: I thought it wasn’t till it was

DBM: How did that thought make you feel?

Bubune: Worried and sad. I had hit rock-bottom because her behavior kept me guessing and wanting her not to leave me hanging. She could be aloof and holding back on her true feelings when I was being foolish with other women. It got to a point; I would intentionally have an affair or flirt with ladies for her to see – just to get a reaction, but she wouldn’t show any. She would act normal and encourage me to do what makes me happy.

DBM: Were you happy doing all that?

Bubune: I was lonely, honestly

DBM: You couldn’t have been lonely; you had the affection and attention of others, no?

Bubune: Yeah, but not that of my wife’s. She had lost the interest she used to have in me. And she looked happier

DBM: I’d rather be alone than to be lonely

Bubune: I didn’t want to be alone, and I didn’t want to be lonely

DBM: So, what did you do?

Bubune: I had to change and build attraction. My wife needed convincing so I became better at getting her attracted to how good I could make her feel.

DBM: You build on a love relationship; you don’t just find one

Bubune: Fact! I started respecting her as my wife and gave her all of my attention. I heard her when she spoke, and I made attempts to understand her concerns. I became very supportive, and invested in her interests and passions. I learnt about them and could stimulate her mind. I took notice of where I stood in her life and our marriage and showed up in my best self. I started having a positive outlook on life in general, and I was happy about it and even proud of myself.

DBM: Vulnerability sometimes involves, offering someone your whole truth without them asking for it

Bubune: I was vulnerable enough to re-align my priorities and self. I recognized where I had gone wrong with my wife, and I made the efforts to make it right by her

DBM: Did she see the effort you were putting into reaching her?

Bubune: She did

DBM: How do you feel about your wife right now?

Bubune: My wife wants me to be for her, so I cheer really hard now. I love her so dearly, I want to continually honor and serve her, give off my best to inspire her and never cease praying for our happiness together as a unit.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Bubune: 26 years

DBM: Oh, wow!

Bubune: Seven out of those years, I did not consider her feelings. I lied and lived a selfish life. And it wasn’t just a fleeting lapse in my judgement

DBM: There are a ton of husbands out there biting the dust with blurred lines in their marriages. What would you tell a wife who is finding it difficult to recover from the pain of betrayal?

Bubune: Every wound has its own way of healing. Heal at your own pace and forgive your husband if he is deserving of your forgiveness. If he keeps showing you that he never really is with you on the journey, do not spend the rest of your life with him. Go solo

Image Credit: Rdne Stock Project

Let’s Talk To Ejo

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 97: Ejo

DBM: Hi Ejo. How would you describe yourself?

Ejo: A wife, nursing mother, and teacher

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ejo: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ejo: I gave birth to my second child six months ago, and I have been going through a very difficult phase that has made me gain so much weight. I am trying to get back to my pre-pregnancy figure but I am becoming heavier instead. My husband started running indirect jokes my way. He recently asked when I am going to lose all the fat. Even during sex, he will make a joke out of something in relation to my weight and it will kill my mood. I’ve told him I don’t like the mean jokes he’s been making but it’s falling on deaf ears.

DBM: Why does he make jokes about your weight?

Ejo: He finds slim attractive. He also thinks such jokes will motivate me to lose the weight but it’s actually hurting my feelings. I was dressing up in front of him just recently, and I caught him staring at my stomach and shaking his head in a funny way

DBM: That’s not cool. You don’t intentionally hurt the feelings of the woman you love, especially not over some silly crap like a few extra pounds

Ejo: Hmmm!

DBM: But you are eating right, no?

Ejo: I am

DBM: How about workouts?

Ejo: I exercise regularly

DBM: Are you getting plenty of sleep?

Ejo: I try to but I am not fitting into my clothes

DBM: Could it be a medical something sabotaging your efforts to stay in shape?

Ejo: My Mother-in-law tells my husband I am the one being lazy. I feel like they’re intentionally putting pressure on me to lose the weight. He laughs when his mother makes comments about my weight.

DBM: Wait! You gave birth just six months ago, no?

Ejo: Yes!

DBM: So, where from the rush to lose weight? You’re still breastfeeding and you need sufficient calories for milk supply; even your overall healing and lost energy and nourishment

Ejo: When my MIL sees a lot of food on the plate of my first child, she would go and take a chunk off it, and be using my weight as reference to why my daughter shouldn’t be eating too much. My husband will also be suggesting to our daughter that, women have to look skinny and pretty.

DBM: You’re very kind

Ejo: Why do you say that?

DBM: You’re allowing your mother-in-law to teach your daughter how to disrespect you, while you sleep in the same bed with her own son, who clearly needs a lot of improvement. What right has she got to tell your child what to eat? How well did she train her own son?

Ejo: I am just trying to maintain peace in my household

DBM: But at what cost?

Ejo: Dave, whenever I complain, I am the one being ridiculous

DBM: Subjecting yourself to bad-mannered people can affect your self-esteem and make you second-guess yourself

Image Credit: Anete Lusina

Let’s Talk To Ursula

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 96: Ursula

DBM: Hello Ursula. How would you describe yourself?

Ursula: Trying to contain water in a paper bag

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ursula: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ursula: My husband took me out to dinner on my birthday, and after the cake and presents, he asked for a divorce. He did it in the presence of a man we both respect and trust. I should have known something was off because I did not understand why it was just the three of us without the children.

DBM: Did you see this coming?

Ursula: Not at all, because we have a beautiful relationship. I agree that the time we get to spend alone together is sometimes, inadequate. This is mainly because we both have got demanding jobs to do, we have a home to run and two children to raise.

DBM: This is tough.

Ursula: On our way back home, I asked what was going on with him and he said, ‘it’s for your own good.’ If it’s for my own good, tell me what the problem is so I determine whether or not it’s in my best interest. He went silent on me and just drove the car.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Ursula: I will not accept a divorce

DBM: You know he is not asking for a divorce, right? He is explicitly telling you that a divorce is going to happen, whether or not you like it. He does not need your permission.

Ursula: This is so unfair. I have done nothing wrong to him. Why should he start the legal process without giving me an explanation?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ursula: 19 years

DBM: How old are the kids?

Ursula: They are both teenagers

DBM: Hmmm!

Ursula: I am so angry and extremely upset

DBM: At this point, you have no choice but to allow his decision to sink in, while respecting it. You need to renew your mind and heart, and give yourself some time to grieve

Ursula: I am shocked, but I know that lost love can be salvaged

DBM: He said he doesn’t love you anymore?

Ursula: He has not given his reasons. Dave, we were having frequent sex; enjoyable sex. He knows that I am willing to do anything he wants for our marriage to be successful. I will do anything for him to be happy

DBM: Sometimes, very little can be done to keep or lose a man

Ursula: I want my marriage to continue

DBM: The man he brought along to your birth-date dinner, what was his take on your husband’s decision?

Ursula: He kept telling me it was for my own good. He also said my husband isn’t happy in the marriage, which I do not believe. They’ve been talking behind me, but I know my husband loves me. Something is just off. Assuming he is even unhappy, does it have to end in divorce? I am willing to save my marriage

DBM: I admire your desire

Ursula: He will come around

DBM: I hope he does

Ursula: We met on a flight to London. My seat was next to his. He was by the window and I wanted to sit by the window so bad, I couldn’t stop wishing in my head we made an exchange. Before we took off, he asked if I wouldn’t mind exchanging seats with him. Those were his first words to me, and they met a need. I asked his name, told him mine and then, started to talk. Before landing in London, I was sure where I stood with him. He did not shy away from discussing his interest in me. We were both single.

DBM: What happened in London?

Ursula: He was there to work. I was there to school. We went on several dates and enjoyed being with each other. It was a satisfying relationship because we weren’t putting in so much effort to make a relationship happen. We were just happy together as friends who liked each other. Easy-fun-friendly love affair; something like that. Two years on, it dawned on me, out of the blue, that he has been the only man in my life who was sensitive to my needs and feelings.

DBM: Explain his sensitivity to your needs and feelings

Ursula: He ensured I was well taken care of while in school. He was happy whenever I was happy. I could be my true, authentic self around him and not fret about acceptance. His energy was positive, and so was his support for me. We had a strong friendship then and now. Him as a boyfriend then spent all his free time with me. My husband spends all his free time with me. Dave, imagine having someone in your life whose sole purpose is to make everything more pleasant and enjoyable when they’re around you. That is the kind of man asking me for a divorce. I can’t, I won’t.

DBM: You need to be the mature one to show him kindness and a loving memory of you. Because at the moment, you’re the only one interested in the marriage. Refusing to understand why he wants out wouldn’t make him fall in love with you any quicker.

Ursula: I still don’t know why he wants a divorce. That’s why I am anxious and mad as hell. What would you have done differently?

DBM: I don’t know; but I am naturally a calm person, so I am certain I would be calm about it.

Ursula: Even without an explanation?

DBM: Even without an explanation – I know I will give him space

Ursula: Why would you give him space?

DBM: Distance can also make the heart grow fonder. I know, it’s cliché but it does quiet when things tend to feel out of control in life

Ursula: What if giving him space gives him room to be with another woman?

DBM: I will still put up a front and go about my normal routine. Don’t beg him; don’t yell at him. Do not give him attitude nor chase after him. Let him be while you put the spotlight on you. Look good, feel good, make yourself happy and alive till he notices you or at best, starts to miss you

Ursula: What if he doesn’t notice me?

DBM: If he doesn’t, then at least you would have noticed your own efforts in handling yourself the best way possible

Ursula: I can never understand you men. Do you guys even know what you want?

DBM: Your husband knows what he wants at this time in his life. A man’s needs changes as he grows, while his relationship evolves. What a man needs today may not be what he wants tomorrow.

Ursula: Same with women, Dave

DBM: I know

Ursula: I don’t know if you understand how much I love my husband?

DBM: I believe you love you husband, and it’s a good thing. However, do not lose yourself in the process of wanting him in your life, so-much-so that you forget you are equally an amazing woman worth keeping by someone who actually wants to be with you.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

 

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