Let’s Talk To SafoMaame

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 79: You can call me SafoMaame

DBM: Hi SafoMaame. How would you describe yourself?

SafoMaame: I fear being a failure. I fear being rejected if I am to speak the truth. I used to not drink. Now, I actually enjoy a good vodka or gin because those are the drinks my husband hides in the cabinet at home. I am no longer passionate about the office I occupy; I am no longer passionate about my marriage; I am no longer passionate about my husband.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

SafoMaame: I’d say 4 over 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

SafoMaame: I am supposed to be the wife of a Prophet, but my husband is toxic. And I am worried about the foundation of his church, putrefying. The second concern is my son. I asked him what he wants to become in future, and he said, he wants to be like his daddy.

DBM: How long have you been married?

SafoMaame: My husband is very active on his social media platforms, so I don’t want to be specific with personal information.

DBM: Understood! You’re still married to him, no?

SafoMaame: Yes

DBM: Why do you describe your husband as toxic?

SafoMaame: I have never seen a man as arrogant as my husband is. He is calculating and crafty, unforgiving, selfish, always lying and exaggerating; and only chases after the endorsement of people. He is his most prophetic when he comes into contact with a rich man or woman. He will say and do anything to cajole or indulge them, so far as they have money. I am sorry to say this, but he is not trustworthy.

DBM: Was he always like this?

SafoMaame: I’d say yes and no, though I had my reservations about him, even back then – when we were dating.

DBM: What kinds of doubts?

SafoMaame: He has difficulty acknowledging his transgressions. He sees the call upon his life to be unique, and above the biblical standard. I know some of his junior pastors in church who are scholarly and can preach and speak into the lives of the congregation way better than him. My husband knows these young, spirit-filled guys can do the job better, but would not share his pulpit. Anything that would influence the attention of the people off him, he would not allow. It always has to be his name on the lips of people; his brand, his message. If a junior pastor proposes a solid idea that benefits the church, at a church-executives meeting, he will undermine the proposal simply because it didn’t come from him. If he feels threatened by a discerning junior pastor, he will send them off to the field to go and establish a branch of the church elsewhere, without any help from him or the church.

DBM: This is not healthy

SafoMaame: Mr. David, if I am to tell you what I am dealing with

DBM: I believe in a church that is bursting with diverse voices and giftings; a church that is welcoming to different minds and interpretations, when it comes to The Word of GOD. I prefer a pastor who doesn’t mind sharing his stage

SafoMaame: Not my husband. He has a dollar account in the name of the church, but the funds are being used for his personal purchases overseas: homes, cars, designer shoes and tailored clothing, etc.

DBM: At the end of the day, it’s your family that’s benefiting from all this, no?

SafoMaame: Yes, and that is why I am troubled. He is not doing things the right way. My husband will accuse a church staff for the same thing he’s doing with church money. Dave, the horrific things my husband has done …

DBM: What has he done?

SafoMaame: Let me tell you about one or two. There are women in our church who unfortunately, are unable to conceive in their marriages. I know my husband prays for a number of them during regular Sunday church services and consultation during the week. Many of them eventually get pregnant. They will come to church to thank my husband after giving birth, give their offerings, but then, stop church afterwards. I kept wondering why I wasn’t seeing many of the new miracle babies and their mothers. I accidentally met two of them at separate locations after a year or two of not attending church, and their sons looked just like my sons when they were their sons’ age. The sad part is, they were all trying to hide from me. They didn’t want me to see their kids. One even lied about the child being home, while he was seated in her car.

DBM: That’s weird

SafoMaame: The resemblance was crystal. They were my husband’s children. And so, I asked if they slept with him. One vehemently denied and was accusing me of insulting her integrity, but the other broke down in the end, and started confessing to how my husband had to have sex with her multiple times till she took seed. This particular lady had been married for six years without a child. She said my husband convinced her in prayer, he was the one to give her the experience of a child, and not her husband.

DBM: Did you confront him?

SafoMaame: I did. He says the call on his life is an opening to help others through whichever means, and that, I need to understand

DBM: The call on his life is not to take advantage of people

SafoMaame: To him, Prophets also make mistakes, and will keep making mistakes, so far as their mistakes solve problems for others. Dave, at the moment, my life revolves around him and what he brings home to our family. The irony is that, he is the first to expose a church member or staff for their wrongdoing

DBM: Do you pray for your husband?

SafoMaame: I used to, but he keeps getting worse

DBM: How many people have you told this to?

SafoMaame: My mother, and now, you.

DBM: In-as-much as you abhor his deceitfulness, I would entreat you not to be spreading rumors about him by telling too many people. Rather, find people you know he respects and would listen to, to address the matter with him.

SafoMaame: His spiritual fathers in ministry are doing worse. Majority of the people who give their offerings to my husband’s church are suffering, yet he would do nothing to support the congregation. He takes, and keeps taking from them. He will prescribe days of fasting and prayers for the church, and he will not pray nor fast at home.

DBM: I can only imagine. I have an idea of many of such people who look the part, while their character lacks the part. Their outward appearance looks good, while their actual motives and intentions stinks.

SafoMaame: Women look up to me in church, and I feel very bad when I think about all the bad things going on in my husband’s ministry that I am helping to cover up with my silence and fears.

DBM: Your task as his wife is to be true to yourself, your husband, the church and to GOD.

SafoMaame: I am not being true to myself and God.

DBM: What do you want to do?

SafoMaame: I’m stuck at the moment. I have heard other preachers questioning his calling and sermons, and he’s always accusing them of being spiritually and biblically oblivious

DBM: Do you see yourself to be growing as a Christian, fellowshipping under your husband’s feet?

SafoMaame: Unfortunately, no!

DBM: If you, his wife isn’t seeing growth in your spiritual walk with GOD, then I wonder what else the church is feeding on.

SafoMaame: Dave, can you pray for me? I am really hurting

DBM: I pray The Lord to make known to you the path He’s called you to take, especially in these times where you cannot clearly tell between what to do and what not to do. Only GOD understands what’s going on in your life, in your mind, in your head, and in your heart. I pray The Peace of GOD to your understanding; I pray healing to your brokenness and hurt. May the grace of GOD be sufficient for even you. I pray The Lord to fill you with so much joy, just at the thought of Him. May He hide you and the children, in the shadows of His wings from the wiles of whatever is causing your husband to be what GOD has not called him to be. May The Lord grant and create in you His sound and pure Heart, Spirit and Mind; and may He smile on you through it all. In Jesus Name, Amen!

SafoMaame: Amen! Thank you!

DBM: You’re most welcome!

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Keith

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 78: Keith

DBM: Hello Keith. How would you describe yourself?

Keith: I am a DJ with an Accra-based FM station. I like inspiring people to get up and dance. It puts a smile on my face

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Keith: I would have said 9, but because of the trouble I find myself in now, I’d say 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Keith: I have impregnated a 17-year-old girl, and her parents are threatening to get me arrested

DBM: How old are you?

Keith: In my mid-to-late thirties

DBM: Did you know of her age before being physical with her?

Keith: No! We met at a night club, clicked and had our first sex in my car. We exchanged numbers, and she would arrange to fuck with me, once or twice in a week.

DBM: Where were you meeting to do this?

Keith: I have a place

DBM: Is that where you live?

Keith: No! But I used to live there

DBM: I’d want to believe I would know a teenager when I meet one. Couldn’t you tell her age by just looking at her?

Keith: Dave, she looks way older than she actually is. Also, when we met at the club, she had make-up on, and was wearing a wig and clothing that an adult would wear. She and her friends were acting mature. I could not tell the difference.

DBM: Were you two dating, prior to the pregnancy?

Keith: No! It was strictly sex. We weren’t talking with the intention of being in a relationship. It was simply fun we were having

DBM: Till she got pregnant

Keith: Yes. I hadn’t heard from her for two weeks, so I sent her a message. Her father called me, minutes after the message was read.

DBM: Are you single?

Keith: Not really

DBM: Not really, meaning?

Keith: I am not single. Whatever we did, she consented to it

DBM: Whereby consent means?

Keith: She agreed to have sex with me, and we both understood what we were agreeing to.

DBM: Everyone but minors have the right to make choices about sex. A minor cannot consent to any type of sexual activity. How long have you been having sex with this girl?

Keith: Almost a year

DBM: When was her 17th birth date?

Keith: I don’t know. We don’t discuss those things

DBM: To the best of my knowledge, Ghana’s statutory rape law is violated when you have consensual sexual contact with a person under the age of 16, I think.

Keith: I did not rape her

DBM: I am not saying you did. Being prosecuted for unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor has nothing to do with rape. If she was under 16 years, the night you first met at the club, then the situation you currently find yourself in could be termed a felony, as well as misdemeanor child molest.

Keith: I have all of our chat history on WhatsApp. She couldn’t have been less than 16 years, ten months ago

DBM: Okay! Have you spoken to the young lady?

Keith: Yes. She used her friend’s phone to call me. She warned me about her father’s decision to get me arrested. Her father has her phone

DBM: What information is her dad working with to track you down?

Keith: He has my phone number and full name.

DBM: How did he get to know your name?

Keith: I think he used the mobile money transaction process. He sent me 1 Cedi

DBM: Did you ask of her actual age when she called?

Keith: Yes. She was 17 in February

DBM: 2023?

Keith: Yes, this year. Do you think she can be forced to lie about me?

DBM: Lie about what?

Keith: Maybe, rape or something

DBM: Did you rape her?

Keith: No!

DBM: If she does not want to falsely testify against you, then she cannot be forced to. These situations are rarely investigated by the police, unless someone reports it to them.

Keith: Her father might

DBM: So, get your story straight. What’s going through your mind right now?

Keith: Hmmm! I can’t even focus at work

DBM: What are you going to do about the pregnancy?

Keith: I am not ready for it

DBM: Do you have any idea what her parents might be going through right now? The flood of emotions, from shock to being disappointed in her; to grief and worry about her future

Keith: Yeah

DBM: How is the girl managing through all this?

Keith: I don’t know

DBM: What do you really know?

Keith: She said she will contact me when tempers calm at home. Do you think I am going to be pressured into an unwanted marriage?

DBM: Did it not ever occur to you that you were placing yourself, and that of the girl at risk of an STI, HIV or an unwanted pregnancy – while engaging in unprotected sex?

Keith: I thought she was taking emergency contraception like the others

DBM: Which others?

Keith: 😜

DBM: I see

Keith: Dave, can we meet over lunch somewhere to talk? I need someone to talk to

DBM: I would love to, but I am currently not available for a face-to-face. Sorry. Please keep me updated whatever happens

Keith: Will do. Thanks

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Marcus Silva

Let’s Talk To Adelaide

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 77: Adelaide

DBM: Hi Adelaide. How would you describe yourself?

Adelaide: I feel all alone. I walk alone, and I have no one but myself and my children

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Adelaide: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Adelaide: I feel like I am not as pumped to make the most of my marriage

DBM: Why is that?

Adelaide: I am disappointed in my husband, and I am very scared of the future ahead of me if I continue to be married to him

DBM: How long have you been married?

Adelaide: Nine years

DBM: What is making you feel disappointed in him?

Adelaide: He is financially unstable. He has been making me pay the bills at home; he shares the payment of our children’s school fees with me. I am paying half of our rent. The amount he gives to feed the house every month is never enough. I am always topping up with so much, I am unable to save for my future.

DBM: Is he in that financial position to give more than he can afford?

Adelaide: He can do better, but he just refuses to. He thinks because I work and also earn enough, he can be miserly when it comes to money. What I am saying has absolutely nothing to do with marrying a man who is well-to-do, and can make like comfortable for me and our children. I am talking about marrying a real man who can handle financial responsibilities right.

DBM: I see

Adelaide: He doesn’t see the good in spending on his wife and children. He only spends when he wants to. He is not happy about anything in life; he complains about everything. Dave, I was very sick the other time and was taken to the hospital. They called my husband to inform him. When it was time for me to be discharged, he came to the ward, asking for my debit card PIN to settle my hospital bill. In other words, my sickness, my bill to pay. Meanwhile. I have been supporting him even in the worst of situations. He talks negative about some of my friends, and has become a negative atmosphere around me.

DBM: Has he always been like that, or he recently started playing smart?

Adelaide: I don’t have an answer to that question, because I am not sure when this person he’s become ever was. My marriage feels worse than before. I don’t have joy in me. He knows how to manipulate certain feelings and behaviors in me to his advantage.

DBM: Do you know what his priorities are?

Adelaide: His work, career and the children. Those are the goals superseding everything else in his life. He thinks he is superior to others who are not in his rank, and has little or no respect for other people’s feelings. My husband is selfish even if he has money.

DBM: I am terribly sorry about this

Adelaide: If I had known this was what I was going to sign up for, I would have avoided him at all cost.

DBM: What do you see in your marriage, three to five years from now?

Adelaide: Misery

DBM: My guess is, your husband is also thinking you are part to blame for whatever is the unsolved problem (s) in your marriage

Adelaide: Dave, when we argue, I am able to point out his actions that hurt my feelings to his face. He has never been bold to tell me, I did this or that, that is why he does this or that in return. In fact, the more I have gotten focused on our marriage, the less he has. I have done things to make him feel loved and cared about. All he does is to enjoy the benefits without lifting a finger, and it’s leaving me drained and vulnerable. At this moment, I am getting sick and tired of him.

DBM: Do you think you are in a toxic marriage?

Adelaide: I would say it’s 50% toxic, and 100% unhappy

DBM: When you search from deep within, do you recognize any part you might have played to turn your husband into this inconsiderate person he’s become?

Adelaide: I wish I knew. On our wedding reception, he told everyone he had married the best woman in the world.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Adelaide: I don’t!

DBM: Why?

Adelaide: He lies a lot. And that has been detrimental to our marriage.

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Adelaide: My heart used to surge at the sight of him. Now, I cannot be so sure because I’ve started to check out. I am feeling very hurt, and I want to know what to do. If I can leave this marriage without my children hating me, Dave, trust me; I’d do it.

DBM: Assuming your husband is going to chance on this conversation when published, what would you want him to know?

Adelaide: I feel neglected when you care more about your phone than what I have to say. I feel neglected when you care more about your work than spending time with me. I get frustrated when all you want is sex, and not intimacy with me. I don’t ignore your attempts for sex; I don’t upset you or create frustrations in our marriage; I don’t fake being asleep when you want sex; I don’t say, ‘I’m not feeling well’ when you want sex. I do not avoid you, yet you only do something for me when you want sex. Whenever I raise a serious concern, you immediately have an excuse to throw back without taking responsibility for anything.

DBM: Do you see your marriage to be broken?

Adelaide: Yes

DBM: And, do you see you and your husband, devoted enough to want to resolve what could be broken?

Adelaide: I know I am

DBM: You have more influence in your marriage than you think

Image Credit: Alex Green

Let’s Talk To Eloise

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 76: Call me Eloise

DBM: Hello Eloise. How would you describe yourself?

Eloise: Married, mother and a banker. I have a kind heart.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Eloise: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Eloise: My husband wants me to get my tubes tied, meanwhile I am not done having children. We have just two boys, and I want a girl. We discussed children and how I feel about them when we were dating. He knows it is an emotional conversation for me due to the circumstances surrounding my upbringing. I want to have a large family of my own because I grew up as an only child. We are both in good financial standing to raise as many children we want; he knows how important it is for me to have a girlchild. He is being unreasonable, and so I have challenged him to go get a vasectomy instead, because I will not undergo tubal ligation at my age. This is not the best decision I want for me and my body.

DBM: How old are you?

Eloise: 34

DBM: And, for how long have you two been married?

Eloise: Five years

DBM: What did he say when you suggested he rather got snipped?

Eloise: He wouldn’t hear it

DBM: Why?

Eloise: He fears it would hinder his sex drive.

DBM: But I hear vasectomy only makes you infertile, and not impotent

Eloise: So, he can have erections and have sex and ejaculate, right?

DBM: Yes. He will still produce sperm. Just that it wouldn’t leave his body in the semen form.

Eloise: In as much as I love my husband, I will not tie my tubes for any man. What if he dies? And the man I marry next wants to have children with me? I will not risk it. He should get vasectomy to make him humble.

DBM: One of my best friends got her tubes tied after her ex-husband insisted, she did because they had had all their children in the marriage. The man got another woman pregnant before my friend even divorced him.

Eloise: Seriously?

DBM: Seriously! And the truth is, your fallopian tubes are not tied into some cute little crossbow during this procedure. Nope! It’s either part or all of your tubes are blocked, cut or removed.

Eloise: They say it can be reversed, right?

DBM: I don’t know. According to another friend who did it but later tried to undo it with surgery, it was next to impossible. This is what I can say from the two experiences of my friends; it is not always possible to have it reversed. And assuming they even manage to surgically undo it, it would not guarantee pregnancy. So, before agreeing to your husband’s demands, be sure you do not have any plans on having children.

Eloise: Thank you David, this is very helpful.

DBM: Again, I may be wrong.

Eloise: You are not wrong. The examples of your friends just made my point.

DBM: Does your husband want children?

Eloise: Of course. It’s every man’s dream

DBM: Not mine

Eloise: You don’t want children?

DBM: I love children, and I believe I am great with them but I am the type that never wanted to have one of my own, because I naturally don’t want people around me. Two is a lot of crowds for me. Anyways, back to my question: does your husband want children? Is it a conversation he willingly participated in and directly expressed interest in while dating, or you’re just assuming on him?

Eloise: I think he doesn’t mind a child of his own. He loves our boys from all indications.

DBM: Why do you want a girl?

Eloise: I will bond with a daughter better. I will understand her feelings. My dream is also to get the opportunity to dress her like the princess I know she would be. I didn’t get to experience a true relationship with my mother.

DBM: So, in other words, you want to re-do your childhood with your daughter?

Eloise: And more

DBM: And fix yourself and your traumas by starting afresh with a mini you, you mean?

Eloise: Something like that.

DBM: You don’t bond with your sons?

Eloise: I do, but it’s not the same. Secondly, my sons enrage me for no reason. I love them, but I wished for at least, one girl between the two. I want to leave this world knowing I left a better version of myself behind through a daughter.

DBM: You think a girl is more of value than a boy?

Eloise: I don’t think that. I just… I want to have a bouncing baby girl. That will make me very happy in my marriage.

DBM: How many kids did you two plan on having before agreeing to marriage?

Eloise: I told him four, but he wanted one

DBM: Why did he want one?

Eloise: He said he wanted to enjoy me and the marriage for the first three or four years before having kids.

DBM: When did you have your first son?

Eloise: Before our first wedding anniversary

DBM: What is your priority now?

Eloise: I don’t understand your question

DBM: What is the most important thing in your life right now?

Eloise: For now, it’s all about my children.

DBM: Where does your husband fit in your priorities?

Eloise: He is there somewhere important.

DBM: Why isn’t your marriage the first priority?

Eloise: Dave, marriage comes with a lot of responsibilities. Children are one of them

DBM: Are you not unconsciously dishonoring your commitment to your husband? You made vows to him on your wedding day, not to your children.

Eloise: I do my wifely duties. He will testify

DBM: What are your wifely duties?

Eloise: David Bondze-Mbir

DBM: Yes please

Eloise: My marriage is sorted. Let’s not go there

DBM: I will respect that. But let me say what I wanted to say; prioritizing your relationship with your husband is the best investment in your children. Your boys will one day grow up and leave the house to start with their own lives. Hopefully, by then, you would not be a stranger to your husband.

Eloise: I sleep and wake up next to my husband. We will never be strangers.

DBM: Okay! I am glad you feel you’re not losing your footing.

Eloise: Are you done?

DBM: I am done.

Image Credit: William Fortunato

Let’s Talk To Ida

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 75: My name is Ida

DBM: Hi Ida! How would you describe yourself?

Ida: I am a passionate, down-to-earth lady, with a husband, children and a past.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ida: I am 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ida: As a young girl, I dreamt of being swept off my feet by a powerful man with deep pockets and love for me. I lean more towards wealthy men by default, no matter how ugly. In fact, a man with good money could bed me, because I am a desirable woman. I’ve been married to one such guy for the past 12 years, and I have a stable family life right now – though I know he has had continuous sexual relationships on the side.

DBM: Does this bother you?

Ida: Not at all.

DBM: Okay!

Ida: When it comes to love, I make it my own. 13 years ago, I loved three different men for different reasons. I was not sleeping with any them because I had friend-zoned them in a way. The one I was very much in love with was struggling financially. Unfortunately, he was the one who proposed marriage to me first. The response I had in my head was an overwhelming ‘No’, but I couldn’t stand the thought of breaking his heart just like that, and so I asked for time to think into his proposal. Okay, so I had this best girlfriend that I grew up with. She knew about the ins and outs of my dating life. I knew about hers too with other men. She had always believed the guy who proposed marriage to me first was a good man, and could make the perfect husband. She knew about the other rich men I was crushing on, and deeply cared about or admired in some way; she liked them for me but still preferred the struggling guy. Nine months passed and I hadn’t given him any response. I was waiting to see if the other two would step up and propose. Dave, I was at work one afternoon when I received a wedding invitation from my best friend; she and the guy who proposed to me first had set a date.

DBM: They were dating?

Ida: Apparently, she had told the guy I had two rich men on the side

DBM: You had two rich men on the side

Ida: But it wasn’t her place to tell; especially after knowing how much I cared about him.

DBM: Were you ever going to consider his proposal?

Ida: Dave, men are supposed to be providers. A broke man has no business marrying. I am not saying he has to be super wealthy; though, that wouldn’t hurt. A man with good financial aptitude can function at a certain level as a husband to his wife. That was the reason why I couldn’t accept his proposal then. I needed him to add some value to his manhood. A woman’s intuition can navigate through a man’s financial drive

DBM: What was his drive?

Ida: It was very low on appetite. I needed more to feel secure. Dave, life then was tough enough for me, and I wasn’t sure I could support a grown man.

DBM: Was he a lazy guy?

Ida: He wasn’t. He was very hardworking, though in-between jobs

DBM: Okay!

Ida: I cut all ties between me and them when the guy confirmed their engagement. Luckily for me, one of the rich guys asked for my hand in marriage, and the rest they say is history. Three weeks ago, I received a LinkedIn request to connect with him. Mind you, I have not spoken to this guy nor his wife since 2011. He asked for my number and called. He said he needed my help and wanted us to meet face to face. I suggested he passed by my office. When he entered and closed the door behind him, he starred me down without breaking eye contact. I couldn’t look away either, though I was very nervous. He walked straight to me, asked for a hug, and then kissed me with a lot of tongue. Something about that kiss froze time. Dave, it was hot, passionate, unexpected, and has stayed with me since he left.

DBM: What kind of help did he want?

Ida: He needed help to sort out his feelings.

DBM: What feelings?

Ida: He says I never left him.

DBM: What does that mean?

Ida: I don’t know!

DBM: What work does he do now?

Ida: Oh, he’s doing very well – I am impressed. He earns almost twice the amount I make a month. Dave, I make pretty good money

DBM: Prior to the kiss, did you have feelings for him?

Ida: I did. I do.

DBM: I see

Ida: To the extent of thinking of him fucking me while having sex with my husband

DBM: You love him that much?

Ida: “You never left me.” That’s what he said.

DBM: Awww!

Ida: He has three adorable children with his wife, and I know they are very happy together – because I’ve been checking them out on their progress over the years on Facebook.

DBM: My guess is, he’s been doing same

Ida: You think?

DBM: I can only speak from my experience when it comes to love and how it connects weirdly. You would be there minding your business, and then this sudden energetic, meaningful warmth would flash your thoughts about your beloved. Something about them that puts a smile on your face or heart for no reason. A minute or two later, you receive a text notification on phone from them, thinking about or missing on you.

Ida: I have never experienced that with my husband. He calls randomly to tell me he misses or loves me. I respond but it’s usually just to make him happy. I don’t feel it as he does.

DBM: If the bond between you and the other guy is genuine, then there is this bridge you two built in the past that still connects your love, joy and understanding of each other. My guess is, you both had been sending positive energy back and forth to each other, prior to your physical and emotional bond (kiss) in your office.

Ida: I never stopped loving him. I never got over him, and I am looking forward to meeting with him again.

DBM: Are you planning on meeting again?

Ida: This weekend

DBM: I see

Ida: I don’t know what I am doing. Can your followers on Facebook help me think through this before Saturday?

DBM: Love comes and goes, Ida. Love changes over time too. I know about some loves that nourished or weakened. Others too completely vanished, only to come back again, later on, for another round.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To True

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 74: True or False

DBM: True, Hello! How would you describe yourself?

True: A loving and concerned father who is not perfect, but trying to do the right things by my children the best way possible.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

True: 7 thereabouts

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

True: I want to talk about my oldest daughter. Because of the nature of the situation at hand, I prefer starting from where it all begun. When I met my wife, she already had this child. She was almost five years old when I married her mother. My wife’s first husband had died when the girl was just two years old. I showed up in their lives when she was four years of age, and I have played her father-figure since. She’s 22 years old now.

DBM: Were you a single-dad, divorced or widowed when you met her mother?

True: I was a single man with no child or ex/late wife.

DBM: Okay

True: I love my wife, but she came with the additional ‘burden’ of her child. Honestly, I wasn’t ready to be a father, but I graciously took on the responsibility of being there for her and her daughter; something I actually regret now

DBM: Why is that?

True: I found out later on that, she didn’t really love me. She is with me because I can provide her and the daughter with security. Dave, when you’re just an option to a single-mother in need of your support, that’s how it plays out.

DBM: How long did it take for her daughter to get used to the idea of you, as her daddy?

True: It took a while, but I think I am good with kids, and so we bonded somehow. She used to talk to me separately about everything, before going to her mother with the same information.

DBM: You really believe you meant nothing but an option to your wife?

True: I could never be her top priority in the relationship

DBM: But she had a daughter that had to come first. Most children I know would even wonder why their mothers are with different men, other than their biological fathers.

True: But the husband/father in question was dead

DBM: A mother or wife, putting her children first does not mean she doesn’t care about you. Truth is, most of these women put their kids before themselves. Does that also mean they do not care about their own selves?

True: I expected more from my wife.

DBM: I get you. Anyways, let’s get back to your story. What did your daughter do?

True: I had a lunch meeting with a client in one of the leading hotels in Accra, and I saw my daughter seated in the waiting area, sipping a drink, dressed like a ‘working girl’. An old Caucasian man approached her, talked to her for some time, and they got up to use the elevator to his room. I got up to them and asked where she was going with him. I asked her to leave the hotel and she refused, giving me attitude. I introduced myself to the man as her father, and she had the nerve to tell him I am not her father. I was angry, and so I said some unprintable words to her and she insulted me back. She embarrassed me in front of everyone, and left with the man to his room.

DBM: Why did you have to embarrass your daughter in that manner?

True: Me? Why are you blaming me for trying to stop my daughter from prostituting herself?

DBM: She is 22 years old, for crying out loud. Your responsibility as her father was to raise and educate her before sending her off to the world – which I believe you have done, no?

True: Yes, and still doing. A parent’s job is never-ending

DBM: You have done your part helping her to grow up to become an independent thinker. You need to trust in her ability to make the right decision.

True: Being a hooker is the right decision?

DBM: Did she tell you she’s a prostitute?

True: I witnessed what she was doing

DBM: Your daughter is a grown-ass woman, who knows what is right and wrong. People will do things we least expect of them. Children will make horrible, terrible mistakes that you the parent could have avoided. Such is life sometimes when we are dealing with people. Whatever your daughter is up to, actively contributes to her learning and education process. What didn’t you do at her age?

True: Does that mean I can’t correct her when she’s heading in the wrong direction?

DBM: Your job as her father is not necessarily to protect her from herself and her mistakes. Children have needs and desires, which you and her mother ought to be anticipating. Be her parent when she asks or needs you to be. Be there for her to deal with disappointments when she needs you. Till then, pray for her to become a responsible adult and just let her be

True: You are just like her mother, always taking the side of her daughter. This has made her turn against me in the house. She’s very disrespectful because she knows her mother will support her.

DBM: I am not taking sides. I am just stating the obvious. Again, it’s your house; if she’s rude towards you, kick her the hell out. It’s as simple as that! You cannot be living under my roof and be giving me attitude.

True: My biggest fear is her influence on my other children. I have two boys and two girls with her mother. The younger ladies all look up to her. Imagine them finding out she’s been sleeping with older men to make money?

DBM: Are you in any way, feeling lost or having self-doubt about how you’re doing as their father?

True: Of course not!

DBM: Then, there is nothing to worry about. We’ve all grown and developed our own identities, standards and beliefs that conflicts with those of our parents. It doesn’t make us bad human beings if our different values lead to tension and disagreements.

Image Credit: JD Bond

Let’s Talk To Conrad

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 73: Conrad

DBM: Hi Conrad. How would you describe yourself?

Conrad: I have an exhilarating personality and a decent earning capacity. I am hardworking, and hard to be pushed around by people. I have a wife and children. I hope this cuts it?

DBM: It does. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Conrad: 12

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Conrad: The woman I married is my dream come true, and I love her to bits. However, I never thought in a million years that I’d be tempted to cheat on her. I have not cheated yet, but the urge is so strong, I do not know how to control myself. I feel guilty about what is happening to me now, but at the same time, tickled.

DBM: Who is the other woman tickling your fancy?

Conrad: She’s an old friend who works with our partner company.

DBM: Do you have a history with her that goes beyond friendship?

Conrad: No

DBM: So, what has changed now?

Conrad: She’s grown, and looks more attractive and appealing to my urges

DBM: Describe your urges

Conrad: It has sex in there. It has love in there. It has mixed feelings of happiness and sadness. I can’t explain it

DBM: What is really triggering your sudden interest in her?

Conrad: I was at the office working when a medium-sized red envelope, addressed to me was presented by my assistant. I opened it and it had a used, yellow lace underwear, with a floral embroidery, aesthetically placed mesh and suavely crafted patterns on it. Inside the envelope was also a photo of how the lingerie would be worn, a house key and a note which read, ‘who am I?’

DBM: Who was it from?

Conrad: I don’t know, Dave, but I am tuned on by it

DBM: I see

Conrad: I’ve been trying to find the mystery woman for the past two weeks.

DBM: When was it sent to you?

Conrad: Two weeks ago

DBM: You’re sure it’s not from your wife?

Conrad: She was the first name that came to mind, but then, the envelope also contained a house key. That is not my house key. My guess is the lady I am talking about now

DBM: Have you asked her?

Conrad: I have tried beating about the bush with it but she’s not forthcoming with information.

DBM: Do you know where she lives?

Conrad: I know she lives at Spintex

DBM: It could also be any of your secret admirers at work

Conrad: True, but I want it to be this lady. Dave, when I sniff the underwear, I smell sweet pheromones which makes me want to put it back on the body that wore it. I am attracted to the scent of her body, and would want to smell her vagina.

DBM: That’s just TMI

Conrad: What’s TMI?

DBM: Too much information

Conrad: Lol!

DBM: Wait, you still have the underwear?

Conrad: Of course. I have to find the house, with the door and lock for the key

DBM: How long have you been married?

Conrad: Some years. I don’t want to say. My wife may come across this chat if you publish it

DBM: Does the other woman know you are married?

Conrad: Yes, I think

DBM: Have you told her you are married?

Conrad: No!

DBM: Are you enjoying your marriage?

Conrad: I am in a loving, happy marriage. Me and my wife make it point to put in as much time and energy, when it comes to building and rebooting a conscious relationship

DBM: So, you’re in a committed relationship then?

Conrad: You can say that

DBM: If your marriage isn’t boring you to death, why are you thinking about another woman?

Conrad: Dave, I am not looking for an affair. I am just finding it difficult to say ‘no’ to this yellow-lingerie puzzle.

DBM: You say no by throwing it away in the trash bin

Conrad: It’s not that simple. I desire to find the mystery woman behind this underwear. And it would be thrilling to make her wear it in my presence. This is an opportunity for me to do something I’m not supposed to do. I don’t think it’s going to involve any deep emotional bond after locating her.

DBM: What makes you so sure?

Conrad: We flirt on phone a lot, in spite of my best intentions to be just her friend

DBM: How would you feel if you discovered your wife was in search of the mystery man who left her a package of his used boxers?

Conrad: Dave

DBM: Conrad, if the idea of being cheated on would make you feel sad or brokenhearted, then you have to consider not acting on your impulse.

Conrad: Can I tell you something truthfully?

DBM: Yes please

Conrad: I find my wife attractive, and I value our relationship. I do not want to destroy the life that we have created together. The temptation I am dealing with right now is also real. I believe I can have sex with another woman that I am physically attracted to, and still love my wife.

DBM: To what gain?

Conrad: Personal satisfaction. Let me explain what I said further: When my first child was born, I thought I would never love another the way I did. Then the second child came, and I realized I could actually add to the love I felt. A man’s heart has enough room to love more than just one person. I will not stop loving my wife because I am chasing after another woman, I am interested in.

DBM: I concur. Can you be upfront and honest with your wife about your puzzled urge to find this mystery woman?

Conrad: I can but I won’t

DBM: Why not?

Conrad: Because I am mature enough to keep my wife and a lover in two separate boxes in my mind. This has nothing to do with anything. It’s simply something I want to do for myself; an amazing experience I want for just me.

Image Credit: Victor Candiani

Let’s Talk To Frema

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 72: I choose Frema

DBM: Hello Frema. How would you describe yourself?

Frema: I am a wife, mother and business woman.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Frema: I’m 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Frema: I think my husband committed a heinous crime a few years ago and he’s getting away with it because he thinks no one knows.

DBM: You think or you know?

Frema: I know

DBM: How do you know?

Frema: I found an old phone he hasn’t used in years stashed in one of his boxes. I bought a sim card from another network to use as my other number and found text messages between him and the husband of a friend, plotting the crime, and acknowledging execution of it.

DBM: I am tempted to ask about the nature of the crime but I don’t want to also get so much involved – if it’s what I’m thinking

Frema: It’s the gravest of all crimes, Dave.

DBM: For how long have you known about your husband’s crime?

Frema: Some months now, but I have been trying to act normal at home; like I don’t know anything. I don’t know if it’s working because it’s creating this friction between us. I am not able to freely love him like I used to. I am tensed sometimes, and would be reading into his every action around me.

DBM: Do you know anything about the victim?

Frema: Not much. All I have is a name in their conversation.

DBM: What is going through your mind right now?

Frema: From all indications, whatever happened, happened in the past. Should I be judging a man by his past actions?

DBM: By ‘past actions’, do you mean the crime or mistakes committed?

Frema: It’s one and the same or?

DBM: I do not think it’s the same. What’s your honest opinion about your husband’s character?

Frema: He has a dodgy character; no two-ways about that. But unfortunately for me, I had fallen in love with him – years before finding out all these. We have children together.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Frema: 40%. I’d say he cares about his children and their needs. He does his best for the home. I can’t take that fact away from him. He is a family man. But he’s also manipulated me into forgiving certain things he’s done outside the marriage to make me not trust him.

DBM: A crime is different from an affair. You can forgive an affair but there is no excuse for letting criminals run free

Frema: He is the father of my children. I cannot have him apprehended just like that. That’s the dilemma conflicting my thoughts

DBM: Who else knows about this secret?

Frema: The wife of the other man my husband plotted the crime with

DBM: Have you two discussed the way forward?

Frema: She’s been suggesting we confront our husbands with the text evidence

DBM: To activate their criminal instincts again or what? Will you two be in a safe space if you’re to confront them?

Frema: I don’t know!

DBM: Has she a copy of the texts?

Frema: No! She only read it on the phone when we met to discuss the issue. The phone is in my possession.

DBM: I see

Frema: Does the marriage vow include being loyal to a criminal? I love my husband though

DBM: If the crime is exactly what you’re indirectly painting to my mind’s eye, then I don’t think it’s wise to cover up for him.

Frema: What if he’s a changed man? We all deserve a second chance at life

DBM: The law, I understand is on your side if you do not tolerate his crime, be it past or present

Frema: What I am saying is, I cannot raise and provide for our children all by myself if he’s to be locked up.

DBM: I understand you

Frema: My concern is my friend. She’s still in shock and contemplating on reporting her husband to the authorities. Their marriage was already on a shaky ground, so you can imagine what this extra information is causing her to do. She’s told me she would be filing for divorce.

DBM: A husband’s past crime is a solid grounding for divorce. These were acts that you had no role or knowledge of till recently.

Frema: I want to protect my husband

DBM: I respect your decision

Frema: Dave, when you love someone, you’d do anything and everything possible to protect their best interest, even if it means me giving up common sense in order to keep him safe

DBM: How about the victim’s family? Don’t they deserve justice for their loved one?

Frema: In a situation like mine, everything about this conversation is wrong, but it’s also worth it protecting the father of my children.

DBM: Do you want my honest opinion?

Frema: Yeah

DBM: Many of the marriages and love relationships I know of, have been wrecked by issues that disguised themselves as inconsequential. A lot of serious matters do not appear nor feel damaging simply because we choose not to view them in that light. That, is the danger I fear for you, Frema. You’re choosing not to recognize a criminal past as a threat to your marriage, family and sanity – and because of that, you’re refusing to stay on your guard. Someday, your husband or his friend would sniff the hint, and it would be too late for either of you to do the right thing.

Frema: My husband will not harm me.

DBM: I hope you are right

Frema: My husband will not harm me

DBM: Just note that, there are negative repercussions to every decision made in favor of a person prone to any form of criminal activity.

Frema: I agree with you

DBM: Seriously do consider how your decision ultimately affects your marriage and most importantly, your mental health.

Frema: I will. Thank you, David

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Shvets Production

Let’s Talk To Naomi – Part 2

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 7 Comments

Naomi: Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes, Sister Naomi

Naomi: Afa!

DBM: For real?

Naomi: For real

DBM: What did you tell him?

Naomi: Me? Not much. He took over the conversation

DBM: How?

Naomi: I sent him a message that we needed to talk at 6:30pm. I got to his post and he had bought me food. He offered to drive me home because the guy to replace his shift had come. He did a lot of the talking in the car.

DBM: Was this his first time driving you home?

Naomi: No. He does that sometimes when he realizes I am tired.

DBM: Do you ask him to drive you?

Naomi: I don’t. He volunteers. And that’s not all, he’s been coming to weed the backyard of my home for the past four or five years. I don’t ask him to do anything outside the office. But on many occasions, I will get home, and he’s there doing something to fix something in my house.

DBM: Let’s go back to your talk with him yesterday. How did it start?

Naomi: I told him I think I like him more than a friend would, and he said he’s been trying to get my attention over the years.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Naomi: He’s been a good friend to me. Looking back, I talk to him a lot on phone than I would admit. He told me he’s been in love with me for the longest time, and even sees himself being the father of my children.

DBM: What was going through your mind at this point?

Naomi: I’ve closely observed his behavior and I think I trust in his love for me.

DBM: How does he relate to/with your other female colleagues at work?

Naomi: He is respectful towards everyone at work but he singles me out always, when I am in the company of others – just to be of help to me. Everybody jokes about his ‘love’ for me at the office.

DBM: Oh, so it’s public knowledge that he’s got a thing for you?

Naomi: Sort of.

DBM: Do you know where he stays?

Naomi: Yes. I’ve been to his house a couple of times to buy fresh produce. He’s introduced me to his mother and siblings

DBM: As his what?

Naomi: Boss and friend.

DBM: Are you, his boss?

Naomi: Not really! We all work for the same Agency

DBM: I see

Naomi: He asked for my permission to kiss me when we got to my house

DBM: I like this guy

Naomi: I like him more, Dave

DBM: A man who cares about you enough to acknowledge and respect your boundaries is a keeper

Naomi: I read a lot of the comments on your Facebook, after you published our chat

DBM: Did you understand the concerns of most of the women?

Naomi: I did, but as I told you, this will be my first time in a love relationship. I want to own my own experience so I can have a story about love to tell myself. I like Kwasi because he treats me with kindness and gentleness. He is always available to me. He is an intelligent young man. I know he doesn’t see it, but I do. And I want to be the one to illuminate his smartness before his own eyes.

DBM: You believe in his potential

Naomi: I do. I know his truth; he is a struggling young man with so much to offer

DBM: You’re a good woman

Naomi: Thank you! I will give myself permission to date him to see how it goes. That doesn’t mean I will sacrifice or compromise myself

DBM: So, my question again is, is this love you are feeling for him?

Naomi: Dave, I have been pushed to open myself up completely to him. He sees me. He understands me. He cares about me. And in spite of the probability of me getting played, I am risking it anyways because I feel like I am with the right person I need to be with. If that is not love, then I don’t know. Theoretically, we may not be the perfect match but I want to also make the choice of him for a boyfriend – and do my best to make it work between us.

Image Credit: Samuel Estevan

Let’s Talk To Naomi – Part 1

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 71: Sister Naomi

DBM: Hi Sister Naomi. How would you describe yourself?

Naomi: I enjoy myself a lot, I value who I am to the highest degree; I cannot be rushed. I have heard people say, I am graceful in my appearance and also in the way I behave towards them. I am a born-again Christian, 31 years of age, single and ready to mingle

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Naomi: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Naomi: First of all Dave, let me thank you for this opportunity. I have been following the ‘Let’s Talk To…’ conversations and I am learning a lot from everyone’s experience. It’s been an eye-opener for me. And I love the contents on your blog; it’s different and engaging.

DBM: Appreciated.

Naomi: As I said earlier, I am single and ready to enter into the dating scene for the first time in my life. I love the way you engage the ladies on your platform, and was thinking, maybe you could give me some pointers from your experience with people to guide me.

DBM: I am not a counselor. I hope you know that?

Naomi: I know that

DBM: Good! Is there someone you’re interested in at the moment?

Naomi: I have had a few guys flat-out expressing their interests in me in the past. I wasn’t ready for a relationship then so I let them go. The person I like now, and may want to be in a relationship with, unfortunately isn’t a guy my family or friends would approve of.

DBM: Why is that?

Naomi: He doesn’t have a degree. He is one of the security men at my place of work.

DBM: Why do you like him?

Naomi: I think he’s a nice guy

DBM: Nice as in?

Naomi: The way he talks to me, the way he smiles with me. He takes very good care of my car, and finds ways to compliment me every day. He doesn’t mind going on an errand for me.  He walks me to my car when he’s on duty – after close of work. I’ve caught him a few times stealing glances at me. He keeps me relaxed and accepted.

DBM: How old is he?

Naomi: He is 37 I think

DBM: That’s my age mate. Do you think he likes you as much?

Naomi: If I’m to guess, I’d say yes, he likes me too

DBM: Have you asked him directly if he likes you?

Naomi: No!

DBM: Why not?

Naomi: I can’t

DBM: Why?

Naomi: I don’t want to come off as desperate

DBM: But you would be asking him out of desire, not desperation

Naomi: It’s not that simple.

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Naomi: I am a specialist in Programs with an international Agency for Development.

DBM: How long have you been friends with this gentleman?

Naomi: I have known him since 2017

DBM: And, he is single?

Naomi: He is

DBM: He told you that himself?

Naomi: Yes.

DBM: Okay!

Naomi: Dave

DBM: Yes?

Naomi: Are you in a relationship?

DBM: Yes please

Naomi: Can you use your personal experience to advise me on what to do next?

DBM: What is next on your itinerary?

Naomi: I love him, and I am in love with him. But I fear that love will not be enough for this situation to work out

DBM: What kind of love do you think you deserve?

Naomi: He makes me feel good. Is that a good answer?

DBM: I think it’s a good answer. It tells me you’re not into him because of who or what he is as a person. The person I am in a relationship with contributes to my happiness. That is a ‘feel-good’ moment, in my opinion.

Naomi: But I don’t know if he loves me too. That’s my biggest problem

DBM: I see. I usually do not base my focus on whether or not someone loves me too. I rather look at the behavior of the person I’m interested in; whether or not their actions towards me are driven or directed by love.

Naomi: That makes perfect sense

DBM: So, going back to your earlier response of him being a ‘nice’ guy, do you think he loves you?

Naomi: He loves me.

DBM: Exactly!

Naomi: How about finances?

DBM: What about it?

Naomi: Should it be a criterion to consider, looking at his current employment and the amount he earns?

DBM: Do you mind me asking your net pay?

Naomi: GHs 12,700

DBM: Would you consider the financial season of your life to be okay, with or without a man’s support?

Naomi: I am financially independent and okay

DBM: Do you know much he earns?

Naomi: I do. It’s not much

DBM: His current job aside, do you see in him potential?

Naomi: He is hardworking and smart.

DBM: Smart how?

Naomi: He has interest in going back to school. He likes to farm too. He’s been giving me some of the vegetables he grows at home. He sells his fresh farm produce to my colleagues. We love buying tomatoes, peppers, garden eggs, okro, cassava, plantains and fruits from his farm.

DBM: So, he’s got the earning potential

Naomi: Oh, yes.

DBM: Meaning, who he is today, can change for the better tomorrow?

Naomi: Very likely. Just that he’s got a lot of responsibilities. He’s taking care of his mother, his brothers and sister, and a cousin.

DBM: He’s a responsible man; that’s a good thing, no?

Naomi: It is. I believe in him

DBM: You buy from his farm, I like that.

Naomi: Why?

DBM: If I were him, I know I would be feeling content, supported and loved by you – just because you buy from my farm. This life is too short for me to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe in my dream. It’s a big deal for me

Naomi: I believe in him

DBM: I believe you do.

Naomi: He is family oriented, and wants to have a family of his own. I want that for myself. He is a Christian, he has integrity… Dave, he stands for almost everything I believe in.

DBM: Those are some very important core values you both seem to live by.

Naomi: I feel like I will be safe with him by my side.

DBM: Are you going to be comfortable with others knowing you two are an item?

Naomi: Very. He’s a decent man. I am not shy about his person. I am actually proud of him.

DBM: Then choose him, if that decision is going to contribute to your own happiness. Everyday in my life is a choice; I choose the love of my life on a daily basis, and I do it intentionally. Don’t let your security guy choose you before you accept that he wants you. Choose him first for yourself, because he is good for you – and to you. Tell him you think of him. Tell him you love him. Tell him the thoughts of him alone excites you. Tell him exactly what he means to you.

Naomi: I will tell him tonight.

DBM: Keep me posted.

Naomi: I will. Dave, I am very happy

DBM: Good for you!

Image Credit:  Samuel Estevan

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