Let’s Talk To Ida

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 75: My name is Ida

DBM: Hi Ida! How would you describe yourself?

Ida: I am a passionate, down-to-earth lady, with a husband, children and a past.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ida: I am 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ida: As a young girl, I dreamt of being swept off my feet by a powerful man with deep pockets and love for me. I lean more towards wealthy men by default, no matter how ugly. In fact, a man with good money could bed me, because I am a desirable woman. I’ve been married to one such guy for the past 12 years, and I have a stable family life right now – though I know he has had continuous sexual relationships on the side.

DBM: Does this bother you?

Ida: Not at all.

DBM: Okay!

Ida: When it comes to love, I make it my own. 13 years ago, I loved three different men for different reasons. I was not sleeping with any them because I had friend-zoned them in a way. The one I was very much in love with was struggling financially. Unfortunately, he was the one who proposed marriage to me first. The response I had in my head was an overwhelming ‘No’, but I couldn’t stand the thought of breaking his heart just like that, and so I asked for time to think into his proposal. Okay, so I had this best girlfriend that I grew up with. She knew about the ins and outs of my dating life. I knew about hers too with other men. She had always believed the guy who proposed marriage to me first was a good man, and could make the perfect husband. She knew about the other rich men I was crushing on, and deeply cared about or admired in some way; she liked them for me but still preferred the struggling guy. Nine months passed and I hadn’t given him any response. I was waiting to see if the other two would step up and propose. Dave, I was at work one afternoon when I received a wedding invitation from my best friend; she and the guy who proposed to me first had set a date.

DBM: They were dating?

Ida: Apparently, she had told the guy I had two rich men on the side

DBM: You had two rich men on the side

Ida: But it wasn’t her place to tell; especially after knowing how much I cared about him.

DBM: Were you ever going to consider his proposal?

Ida: Dave, men are supposed to be providers. A broke man has no business marrying. I am not saying he has to be super wealthy; though, that wouldn’t hurt. A man with good financial aptitude can function at a certain level as a husband to his wife. That was the reason why I couldn’t accept his proposal then. I needed him to add some value to his manhood. A woman’s intuition can navigate through a man’s financial drive

DBM: What was his drive?

Ida: It was very low on appetite. I needed more to feel secure. Dave, life then was tough enough for me, and I wasn’t sure I could support a grown man.

DBM: Was he a lazy guy?

Ida: He wasn’t. He was very hardworking, though in-between jobs

DBM: Okay!

Ida: I cut all ties between me and them when the guy confirmed their engagement. Luckily for me, one of the rich guys asked for my hand in marriage, and the rest they say is history. Three weeks ago, I received a LinkedIn request to connect with him. Mind you, I have not spoken to this guy nor his wife since 2011. He asked for my number and called. He said he needed my help and wanted us to meet face to face. I suggested he passed by my office. When he entered and closed the door behind him, he starred me down without breaking eye contact. I couldn’t look away either, though I was very nervous. He walked straight to me, asked for a hug, and then kissed me with a lot of tongue. Something about that kiss froze time. Dave, it was hot, passionate, unexpected, and has stayed with me since he left.

DBM: What kind of help did he want?

Ida: He needed help to sort out his feelings.

DBM: What feelings?

Ida: He says I never left him.

DBM: What does that mean?

Ida: I don’t know!

DBM: What work does he do now?

Ida: Oh, he’s doing very well – I am impressed. He earns almost twice the amount I make a month. Dave, I make pretty good money

DBM: Prior to the kiss, did you have feelings for him?

Ida: I did. I do.

DBM: I see

Ida: To the extent of thinking of him fucking me while having sex with my husband

DBM: You love him that much?

Ida: “You never left me.” That’s what he said.

DBM: Awww!

Ida: He has three adorable children with his wife, and I know they are very happy together – because I’ve been checking them out on their progress over the years on Facebook.

DBM: My guess is, he’s been doing same

Ida: You think?

DBM: I can only speak from my experience when it comes to love and how it connects weirdly. You would be there minding your business, and then this sudden energetic, meaningful warmth would flash your thoughts about your beloved. Something about them that puts a smile on your face or heart for no reason. A minute or two later, you receive a text notification on phone from them, thinking about or missing on you.

Ida: I have never experienced that with my husband. He calls randomly to tell me he misses or loves me. I respond but it’s usually just to make him happy. I don’t feel it as he does.

DBM: If the bond between you and the other guy is genuine, then there is this bridge you two built in the past that still connects your love, joy and understanding of each other. My guess is, you both had been sending positive energy back and forth to each other, prior to your physical and emotional bond (kiss) in your office.

Ida: I never stopped loving him. I never got over him, and I am looking forward to meeting with him again.

DBM: Are you planning on meeting again?

Ida: This weekend

DBM: I see

Ida: I don’t know what I am doing. Can your followers on Facebook help me think through this before Saturday?

DBM: Love comes and goes, Ida. Love changes over time too. I know about some loves that nourished or weakened. Others too completely vanished, only to come back again, later on, for another round.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To True

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 74: True or False

DBM: True, Hello! How would you describe yourself?

True: A loving and concerned father who is not perfect, but trying to do the right things by my children the best way possible.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

True: 7 thereabouts

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

True: I want to talk about my oldest daughter. Because of the nature of the situation at hand, I prefer starting from where it all begun. When I met my wife, she already had this child. She was almost five years old when I married her mother. My wife’s first husband had died when the girl was just two years old. I showed up in their lives when she was four years of age, and I have played her father-figure since. She’s 22 years old now.

DBM: Were you a single-dad, divorced or widowed when you met her mother?

True: I was a single man with no child or ex/late wife.

DBM: Okay

True: I love my wife, but she came with the additional ‘burden’ of her child. Honestly, I wasn’t ready to be a father, but I graciously took on the responsibility of being there for her and her daughter; something I actually regret now

DBM: Why is that?

True: I found out later on that, she didn’t really love me. She is with me because I can provide her and the daughter with security. Dave, when you’re just an option to a single-mother in need of your support, that’s how it plays out.

DBM: How long did it take for her daughter to get used to the idea of you, as her daddy?

True: It took a while, but I think I am good with kids, and so we bonded somehow. She used to talk to me separately about everything, before going to her mother with the same information.

DBM: You really believe you meant nothing but an option to your wife?

True: I could never be her top priority in the relationship

DBM: But she had a daughter that had to come first. Most children I know would even wonder why their mothers are with different men, other than their biological fathers.

True: But the husband/father in question was dead

DBM: A mother or wife, putting her children first does not mean she doesn’t care about you. Truth is, most of these women put their kids before themselves. Does that also mean they do not care about their own selves?

True: I expected more from my wife.

DBM: I get you. Anyways, let’s get back to your story. What did your daughter do?

True: I had a lunch meeting with a client in one of the leading hotels in Accra, and I saw my daughter seated in the waiting area, sipping a drink, dressed like a ‘working girl’. An old Caucasian man approached her, talked to her for some time, and they got up to use the elevator to his room. I got up to them and asked where she was going with him. I asked her to leave the hotel and she refused, giving me attitude. I introduced myself to the man as her father, and she had the nerve to tell him I am not her father. I was angry, and so I said some unprintable words to her and she insulted me back. She embarrassed me in front of everyone, and left with the man to his room.

DBM: Why did you have to embarrass your daughter in that manner?

True: Me? Why are you blaming me for trying to stop my daughter from prostituting herself?

DBM: She is 22 years old, for crying out loud. Your responsibility as her father was to raise and educate her before sending her off to the world – which I believe you have done, no?

True: Yes, and still doing. A parent’s job is never-ending

DBM: You have done your part helping her to grow up to become an independent thinker. You need to trust in her ability to make the right decision.

True: Being a hooker is the right decision?

DBM: Did she tell you she’s a prostitute?

True: I witnessed what she was doing

DBM: Your daughter is a grown-ass woman, who knows what is right and wrong. People will do things we least expect of them. Children will make horrible, terrible mistakes that you the parent could have avoided. Such is life sometimes when we are dealing with people. Whatever your daughter is up to, actively contributes to her learning and education process. What didn’t you do at her age?

True: Does that mean I can’t correct her when she’s heading in the wrong direction?

DBM: Your job as her father is not necessarily to protect her from herself and her mistakes. Children have needs and desires, which you and her mother ought to be anticipating. Be her parent when she asks or needs you to be. Be there for her to deal with disappointments when she needs you. Till then, pray for her to become a responsible adult and just let her be

True: You are just like her mother, always taking the side of her daughter. This has made her turn against me in the house. She’s very disrespectful because she knows her mother will support her.

DBM: I am not taking sides. I am just stating the obvious. Again, it’s your house; if she’s rude towards you, kick her the hell out. It’s as simple as that! You cannot be living under my roof and be giving me attitude.

True: My biggest fear is her influence on my other children. I have two boys and two girls with her mother. The younger ladies all look up to her. Imagine them finding out she’s been sleeping with older men to make money?

DBM: Are you in any way, feeling lost or having self-doubt about how you’re doing as their father?

True: Of course not!

DBM: Then, there is nothing to worry about. We’ve all grown and developed our own identities, standards and beliefs that conflicts with those of our parents. It doesn’t make us bad human beings if our different values lead to tension and disagreements.

Image Credit: JD Bond

Let’s Talk To Conrad

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 73: Conrad

DBM: Hi Conrad. How would you describe yourself?

Conrad: I have an exhilarating personality and a decent earning capacity. I am hardworking, and hard to be pushed around by people. I have a wife and children. I hope this cuts it?

DBM: It does. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Conrad: 12

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Conrad: The woman I married is my dream come true, and I love her to bits. However, I never thought in a million years that I’d be tempted to cheat on her. I have not cheated yet, but the urge is so strong, I do not know how to control myself. I feel guilty about what is happening to me now, but at the same time, tickled.

DBM: Who is the other woman tickling your fancy?

Conrad: She’s an old friend who works with our partner company.

DBM: Do you have a history with her that goes beyond friendship?

Conrad: No

DBM: So, what has changed now?

Conrad: She’s grown, and looks more attractive and appealing to my urges

DBM: Describe your urges

Conrad: It has sex in there. It has love in there. It has mixed feelings of happiness and sadness. I can’t explain it

DBM: What is really triggering your sudden interest in her?

Conrad: I was at the office working when a medium-sized red envelope, addressed to me was presented by my assistant. I opened it and it had a used, yellow lace underwear, with a floral embroidery, aesthetically placed mesh and suavely crafted patterns on it. Inside the envelope was also a photo of how the lingerie would be worn, a house key and a note which read, ‘who am I?’

DBM: Who was it from?

Conrad: I don’t know, Dave, but I am tuned on by it

DBM: I see

Conrad: I’ve been trying to find the mystery woman for the past two weeks.

DBM: When was it sent to you?

Conrad: Two weeks ago

DBM: You’re sure it’s not from your wife?

Conrad: She was the first name that came to mind, but then, the envelope also contained a house key. That is not my house key. My guess is the lady I am talking about now

DBM: Have you asked her?

Conrad: I have tried beating about the bush with it but she’s not forthcoming with information.

DBM: Do you know where she lives?

Conrad: I know she lives at Spintex

DBM: It could also be any of your secret admirers at work

Conrad: True, but I want it to be this lady. Dave, when I sniff the underwear, I smell sweet pheromones which makes me want to put it back on the body that wore it. I am attracted to the scent of her body, and would want to smell her vagina.

DBM: That’s just TMI

Conrad: What’s TMI?

DBM: Too much information

Conrad: Lol!

DBM: Wait, you still have the underwear?

Conrad: Of course. I have to find the house, with the door and lock for the key

DBM: How long have you been married?

Conrad: Some years. I don’t want to say. My wife may come across this chat if you publish it

DBM: Does the other woman know you are married?

Conrad: Yes, I think

DBM: Have you told her you are married?

Conrad: No!

DBM: Are you enjoying your marriage?

Conrad: I am in a loving, happy marriage. Me and my wife make it point to put in as much time and energy, when it comes to building and rebooting a conscious relationship

DBM: So, you’re in a committed relationship then?

Conrad: You can say that

DBM: If your marriage isn’t boring you to death, why are you thinking about another woman?

Conrad: Dave, I am not looking for an affair. I am just finding it difficult to say ‘no’ to this yellow-lingerie puzzle.

DBM: You say no by throwing it away in the trash bin

Conrad: It’s not that simple. I desire to find the mystery woman behind this underwear. And it would be thrilling to make her wear it in my presence. This is an opportunity for me to do something I’m not supposed to do. I don’t think it’s going to involve any deep emotional bond after locating her.

DBM: What makes you so sure?

Conrad: We flirt on phone a lot, in spite of my best intentions to be just her friend

DBM: How would you feel if you discovered your wife was in search of the mystery man who left her a package of his used boxers?

Conrad: Dave

DBM: Conrad, if the idea of being cheated on would make you feel sad or brokenhearted, then you have to consider not acting on your impulse.

Conrad: Can I tell you something truthfully?

DBM: Yes please

Conrad: I find my wife attractive, and I value our relationship. I do not want to destroy the life that we have created together. The temptation I am dealing with right now is also real. I believe I can have sex with another woman that I am physically attracted to, and still love my wife.

DBM: To what gain?

Conrad: Personal satisfaction. Let me explain what I said further: When my first child was born, I thought I would never love another the way I did. Then the second child came, and I realized I could actually add to the love I felt. A man’s heart has enough room to love more than just one person. I will not stop loving my wife because I am chasing after another woman, I am interested in.

DBM: I concur. Can you be upfront and honest with your wife about your puzzled urge to find this mystery woman?

Conrad: I can but I won’t

DBM: Why not?

Conrad: Because I am mature enough to keep my wife and a lover in two separate boxes in my mind. This has nothing to do with anything. It’s simply something I want to do for myself; an amazing experience I want for just me.

Image Credit: Victor Candiani

Let’s Talk To Frema

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 72: I choose Frema

DBM: Hello Frema. How would you describe yourself?

Frema: I am a wife, mother and business woman.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Frema: I’m 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Frema: I think my husband committed a heinous crime a few years ago and he’s getting away with it because he thinks no one knows.

DBM: You think or you know?

Frema: I know

DBM: How do you know?

Frema: I found an old phone he hasn’t used in years stashed in one of his boxes. I bought a sim card from another network to use as my other number and found text messages between him and the husband of a friend, plotting the crime, and acknowledging execution of it.

DBM: I am tempted to ask about the nature of the crime but I don’t want to also get so much involved – if it’s what I’m thinking

Frema: It’s the gravest of all crimes, Dave.

DBM: For how long have you known about your husband’s crime?

Frema: Some months now, but I have been trying to act normal at home; like I don’t know anything. I don’t know if it’s working because it’s creating this friction between us. I am not able to freely love him like I used to. I am tensed sometimes, and would be reading into his every action around me.

DBM: Do you know anything about the victim?

Frema: Not much. All I have is a name in their conversation.

DBM: What is going through your mind right now?

Frema: From all indications, whatever happened, happened in the past. Should I be judging a man by his past actions?

DBM: By ‘past actions’, do you mean the crime or mistakes committed?

Frema: It’s one and the same or?

DBM: I do not think it’s the same. What’s your honest opinion about your husband’s character?

Frema: He has a dodgy character; no two-ways about that. But unfortunately for me, I had fallen in love with him – years before finding out all these. We have children together.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Frema: 40%. I’d say he cares about his children and their needs. He does his best for the home. I can’t take that fact away from him. He is a family man. But he’s also manipulated me into forgiving certain things he’s done outside the marriage to make me not trust him.

DBM: A crime is different from an affair. You can forgive an affair but there is no excuse for letting criminals run free

Frema: He is the father of my children. I cannot have him apprehended just like that. That’s the dilemma conflicting my thoughts

DBM: Who else knows about this secret?

Frema: The wife of the other man my husband plotted the crime with

DBM: Have you two discussed the way forward?

Frema: She’s been suggesting we confront our husbands with the text evidence

DBM: To activate their criminal instincts again or what? Will you two be in a safe space if you’re to confront them?

Frema: I don’t know!

DBM: Has she a copy of the texts?

Frema: No! She only read it on the phone when we met to discuss the issue. The phone is in my possession.

DBM: I see

Frema: Does the marriage vow include being loyal to a criminal? I love my husband though

DBM: If the crime is exactly what you’re indirectly painting to my mind’s eye, then I don’t think it’s wise to cover up for him.

Frema: What if he’s a changed man? We all deserve a second chance at life

DBM: The law, I understand is on your side if you do not tolerate his crime, be it past or present

Frema: What I am saying is, I cannot raise and provide for our children all by myself if he’s to be locked up.

DBM: I understand you

Frema: My concern is my friend. She’s still in shock and contemplating on reporting her husband to the authorities. Their marriage was already on a shaky ground, so you can imagine what this extra information is causing her to do. She’s told me she would be filing for divorce.

DBM: A husband’s past crime is a solid grounding for divorce. These were acts that you had no role or knowledge of till recently.

Frema: I want to protect my husband

DBM: I respect your decision

Frema: Dave, when you love someone, you’d do anything and everything possible to protect their best interest, even if it means me giving up common sense in order to keep him safe

DBM: How about the victim’s family? Don’t they deserve justice for their loved one?

Frema: In a situation like mine, everything about this conversation is wrong, but it’s also worth it protecting the father of my children.

DBM: Do you want my honest opinion?

Frema: Yeah

DBM: Many of the marriages and love relationships I know of, have been wrecked by issues that disguised themselves as inconsequential. A lot of serious matters do not appear nor feel damaging simply because we choose not to view them in that light. That, is the danger I fear for you, Frema. You’re choosing not to recognize a criminal past as a threat to your marriage, family and sanity – and because of that, you’re refusing to stay on your guard. Someday, your husband or his friend would sniff the hint, and it would be too late for either of you to do the right thing.

Frema: My husband will not harm me.

DBM: I hope you are right

Frema: My husband will not harm me

DBM: Just note that, there are negative repercussions to every decision made in favor of a person prone to any form of criminal activity.

Frema: I agree with you

DBM: Seriously do consider how your decision ultimately affects your marriage and most importantly, your mental health.

Frema: I will. Thank you, David

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Shvets Production

Let’s Talk To Naomi – Part 2

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 7 Comments

Naomi: Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes, Sister Naomi

Naomi: Afa!

DBM: For real?

Naomi: For real

DBM: What did you tell him?

Naomi: Me? Not much. He took over the conversation

DBM: How?

Naomi: I sent him a message that we needed to talk at 6:30pm. I got to his post and he had bought me food. He offered to drive me home because the guy to replace his shift had come. He did a lot of the talking in the car.

DBM: Was this his first time driving you home?

Naomi: No. He does that sometimes when he realizes I am tired.

DBM: Do you ask him to drive you?

Naomi: I don’t. He volunteers. And that’s not all, he’s been coming to weed the backyard of my home for the past four or five years. I don’t ask him to do anything outside the office. But on many occasions, I will get home, and he’s there doing something to fix something in my house.

DBM: Let’s go back to your talk with him yesterday. How did it start?

Naomi: I told him I think I like him more than a friend would, and he said he’s been trying to get my attention over the years.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Naomi: He’s been a good friend to me. Looking back, I talk to him a lot on phone than I would admit. He told me he’s been in love with me for the longest time, and even sees himself being the father of my children.

DBM: What was going through your mind at this point?

Naomi: I’ve closely observed his behavior and I think I trust in his love for me.

DBM: How does he relate to/with your other female colleagues at work?

Naomi: He is respectful towards everyone at work but he singles me out always, when I am in the company of others – just to be of help to me. Everybody jokes about his ‘love’ for me at the office.

DBM: Oh, so it’s public knowledge that he’s got a thing for you?

Naomi: Sort of.

DBM: Do you know where he stays?

Naomi: Yes. I’ve been to his house a couple of times to buy fresh produce. He’s introduced me to his mother and siblings

DBM: As his what?

Naomi: Boss and friend.

DBM: Are you, his boss?

Naomi: Not really! We all work for the same Agency

DBM: I see

Naomi: He asked for my permission to kiss me when we got to my house

DBM: I like this guy

Naomi: I like him more, Dave

DBM: A man who cares about you enough to acknowledge and respect your boundaries is a keeper

Naomi: I read a lot of the comments on your Facebook, after you published our chat

DBM: Did you understand the concerns of most of the women?

Naomi: I did, but as I told you, this will be my first time in a love relationship. I want to own my own experience so I can have a story about love to tell myself. I like Kwasi because he treats me with kindness and gentleness. He is always available to me. He is an intelligent young man. I know he doesn’t see it, but I do. And I want to be the one to illuminate his smartness before his own eyes.

DBM: You believe in his potential

Naomi: I do. I know his truth; he is a struggling young man with so much to offer

DBM: You’re a good woman

Naomi: Thank you! I will give myself permission to date him to see how it goes. That doesn’t mean I will sacrifice or compromise myself

DBM: So, my question again is, is this love you are feeling for him?

Naomi: Dave, I have been pushed to open myself up completely to him. He sees me. He understands me. He cares about me. And in spite of the probability of me getting played, I am risking it anyways because I feel like I am with the right person I need to be with. If that is not love, then I don’t know. Theoretically, we may not be the perfect match but I want to also make the choice of him for a boyfriend – and do my best to make it work between us.

Image Credit: Samuel Estevan

Let’s Talk To Naomi – Part 1

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 71: Sister Naomi

DBM: Hi Sister Naomi. How would you describe yourself?

Naomi: I enjoy myself a lot, I value who I am to the highest degree; I cannot be rushed. I have heard people say, I am graceful in my appearance and also in the way I behave towards them. I am a born-again Christian, 31 years of age, single and ready to mingle

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Naomi: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Naomi: First of all Dave, let me thank you for this opportunity. I have been following the ‘Let’s Talk To…’ conversations and I am learning a lot from everyone’s experience. It’s been an eye-opener for me. And I love the contents on your blog; it’s different and engaging.

DBM: Appreciated.

Naomi: As I said earlier, I am single and ready to enter into the dating scene for the first time in my life. I love the way you engage the ladies on your platform, and was thinking, maybe you could give me some pointers from your experience with people to guide me.

DBM: I am not a counselor. I hope you know that?

Naomi: I know that

DBM: Good! Is there someone you’re interested in at the moment?

Naomi: I have had a few guys flat-out expressing their interests in me in the past. I wasn’t ready for a relationship then so I let them go. The person I like now, and may want to be in a relationship with, unfortunately isn’t a guy my family or friends would approve of.

DBM: Why is that?

Naomi: He doesn’t have a degree. He is one of the security men at my place of work.

DBM: Why do you like him?

Naomi: I think he’s a nice guy

DBM: Nice as in?

Naomi: The way he talks to me, the way he smiles with me. He takes very good care of my car, and finds ways to compliment me every day. He doesn’t mind going on an errand for me.  He walks me to my car when he’s on duty – after close of work. I’ve caught him a few times stealing glances at me. He keeps me relaxed and accepted.

DBM: How old is he?

Naomi: He is 37 I think

DBM: That’s my age mate. Do you think he likes you as much?

Naomi: If I’m to guess, I’d say yes, he likes me too

DBM: Have you asked him directly if he likes you?

Naomi: No!

DBM: Why not?

Naomi: I can’t

DBM: Why?

Naomi: I don’t want to come off as desperate

DBM: But you would be asking him out of desire, not desperation

Naomi: It’s not that simple.

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Naomi: I am a specialist in Programs with an international Agency for Development.

DBM: How long have you been friends with this gentleman?

Naomi: I have known him since 2017

DBM: And, he is single?

Naomi: He is

DBM: He told you that himself?

Naomi: Yes.

DBM: Okay!

Naomi: Dave

DBM: Yes?

Naomi: Are you in a relationship?

DBM: Yes please

Naomi: Can you use your personal experience to advise me on what to do next?

DBM: What is next on your itinerary?

Naomi: I love him, and I am in love with him. But I fear that love will not be enough for this situation to work out

DBM: What kind of love do you think you deserve?

Naomi: He makes me feel good. Is that a good answer?

DBM: I think it’s a good answer. It tells me you’re not into him because of who or what he is as a person. The person I am in a relationship with contributes to my happiness. That is a ‘feel-good’ moment, in my opinion.

Naomi: But I don’t know if he loves me too. That’s my biggest problem

DBM: I see. I usually do not base my focus on whether or not someone loves me too. I rather look at the behavior of the person I’m interested in; whether or not their actions towards me are driven or directed by love.

Naomi: That makes perfect sense

DBM: So, going back to your earlier response of him being a ‘nice’ guy, do you think he loves you?

Naomi: He loves me.

DBM: Exactly!

Naomi: How about finances?

DBM: What about it?

Naomi: Should it be a criterion to consider, looking at his current employment and the amount he earns?

DBM: Do you mind me asking your net pay?

Naomi: GHs 12,700

DBM: Would you consider the financial season of your life to be okay, with or without a man’s support?

Naomi: I am financially independent and okay

DBM: Do you know much he earns?

Naomi: I do. It’s not much

DBM: His current job aside, do you see in him potential?

Naomi: He is hardworking and smart.

DBM: Smart how?

Naomi: He has interest in going back to school. He likes to farm too. He’s been giving me some of the vegetables he grows at home. He sells his fresh farm produce to my colleagues. We love buying tomatoes, peppers, garden eggs, okro, cassava, plantains and fruits from his farm.

DBM: So, he’s got the earning potential

Naomi: Oh, yes.

DBM: Meaning, who he is today, can change for the better tomorrow?

Naomi: Very likely. Just that he’s got a lot of responsibilities. He’s taking care of his mother, his brothers and sister, and a cousin.

DBM: He’s a responsible man; that’s a good thing, no?

Naomi: It is. I believe in him

DBM: You buy from his farm, I like that.

Naomi: Why?

DBM: If I were him, I know I would be feeling content, supported and loved by you – just because you buy from my farm. This life is too short for me to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe in my dream. It’s a big deal for me

Naomi: I believe in him

DBM: I believe you do.

Naomi: He is family oriented, and wants to have a family of his own. I want that for myself. He is a Christian, he has integrity… Dave, he stands for almost everything I believe in.

DBM: Those are some very important core values you both seem to live by.

Naomi: I feel like I will be safe with him by my side.

DBM: Are you going to be comfortable with others knowing you two are an item?

Naomi: Very. He’s a decent man. I am not shy about his person. I am actually proud of him.

DBM: Then choose him, if that decision is going to contribute to your own happiness. Everyday in my life is a choice; I choose the love of my life on a daily basis, and I do it intentionally. Don’t let your security guy choose you before you accept that he wants you. Choose him first for yourself, because he is good for you – and to you. Tell him you think of him. Tell him you love him. Tell him the thoughts of him alone excites you. Tell him exactly what he means to you.

Naomi: I will tell him tonight.

DBM: Keep me posted.

Naomi: I will. Dave, I am very happy

DBM: Good for you!

Image Credit:  Samuel Estevan

Let’s Talk To Aimee

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 70: My name is Aimee

DBM: Hello Aimee. How would you describe yourself?

Aimee: I am 38 years old, and a single mother.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Aimee: I am 8-scaled happy

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Aimee: Before I share my issue, I want to know why it’s taken you almost three months before reaching my turn?

DBM: I am very sorry Aimee. There have been a lot of emails and inbox messages expressing interest in the series, and I am trying to engage everyone accordingly. I usually assign days to participants in order to chat with them. Unfortunately, some conversations take more than three days to conclude, due to our different work schedules. I am yet to even assign dates to other interested partakers. Hopefully, it will get to everyone’s turn.

Aimee: I’ve met a man that I really, really like. He hasn’t come out to say it, but he’s expressed interest in us getting married. At the moment, I am enjoying every stage of our relationship and taking heart to all the things he’s expressed. He’s introduced me to his siblings, friends and will be meeting his mother for the first-time next week. I have spoken with his mother on phone a couple of times though.

DBM: That’s nice to know

Aimee: Yeah, but there is a big BUT…

DBM: What’s the problem?

Aimee: I am a single mother of four. All of my four children are with four different men. My first son’s father is in jail. He raped me when I was a teenager, and my parents got him arrested. He is not someone I knew or dated; he is a complete stranger who forced himself on me. My second child’s father was my first boyfriend. We dated for a year and a half, and found out that I was pregnant with our daughter. We planned on getting married but weeks into our traditional marriage, I got to know he was expecting another child with another woman. It broke my heart and couldn’t go through with the engagement. We broke things off amicably. My third child is the son of my first husband. We were married for two years till I couldn’t be his wife anymore. He was verbally abusive. He once told me, he would divorce me, and I would be at the mercy of strange men – who would sleep with me before giving me money to feed myself and the children. He told my first child, he would throw him out on the streets so he begs for a living, and would drive past him and not give him even 20 pesewas to buy water . He isolated me from my family, always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing; he would assume control over my finances because he felt I was stupid to plan for my own life. And he did all these without sitting me down to discuss issues. He never admitted his faults. I moved out of his house and divorced him without thinking twice. My second husband was the father of my fourth child. He was the love of my life, but unfortunately, died in a car accident. So far, my life has been a roller coaster ride, and I want to keep a steady wall of separation between my life as a mother, and my current dating life.

DBM: That was a lot to read

Aimee: I am sorry

DBM: Tell me a little about this new man in your life

Aimee: He is divorced, and has two adorable children of his own. They love me and all

DBM: Okay… So, where is the problem in this?

Aimee: He’s assumed all the four kids belong to my late husband

DBM: As in, you’ve made him believe such is the case or…

Aimee: I haven’t told him anything about the different fathers of my kids

DBM: Why not?

Aimee: I fear he’s going to judge me unfairly

DBM: But he loves you, no?

Aimee: He hasn’t said anything about love yet

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Aimee: Eight months, 14 days today

DBM: A man who wants you to know his family and friends’ desires to extend his connection with you. His family and friends know him best, and so you meeting and knowing them is his indirect message to you to know him even better through other trusted sources.

Aimee: Hmmm! I don’t know

DBM: You have to know. You mentioned him considering a future together with you, no?

Aimee: Yes

DBM: His heart is in this. He trusts in your love and his for each other

Aimee: I don’t think his mother will accept me if she knows about my history

DBM: Your history is, you’re a mother of four beautiful children. That is where the fun is

Aimee: My children make me feel loved and happy. I am free to express myself as a woman, and my they do not judge me. They show me a lot of respect and affection. They give me so much attention, which goes a long way to help me forget all of my worries.

DBM: I was talking to one of my good friends about your issue. Her name is Nandy. Her Facebook name is Nana Ama Tanaah. She’s willing to talk you through the process if you are open to talking to her. She asked me to tell you to tell your boyfriend about your children’s fathers.

Aimee: And what if he misinterprets the whole situation?

DBM: Let me copy and paste what Nandy is saying to me right now, “I understand, but if he judges you unfavorably, then you’re actually saving yourself from a future headache. It’s better to trust in the intent”.

Aimee: She’s right

DBM: What made you marry your first two husbands?

Aimee: Do you want the honest version or the lie I keep telling myself and others?

DBM: The truth

Aimee: I do not think I married both men for love from the start, though I fell in love with them along the way. Fear is what I believe drove me from one marriage to the other.

DBM: Fear of what?

Aimee: You know, not being able to provide for my babies on my own. Also, I assumed I needed a male figure in the lives of my children, and for us all to be under one roof, for it to be a proper family.

DBM: Do you work?

Aimee: I am actually a Chartered Accountant. I also hold an MSc. in Accounting and Finance. I make good money

DBM: I am pleasantly surprised by your capabilities

Aimee: I am a hard worker

DBM: Oh, trust, I know! And you should not be with any man who does not want to be with you. Do not be afraid to be alone if he chooses not to accept you for you. In fact, being alone is another stepping stone to finding a better partner who wouldn’t mind encouraging you to keep up the fight.

Aimee: You’re kind with your words.

DBM: You seem like a strong, compassionate and caring woman; the type to bring to the table, wisdom and empathy. It takes a real man to see your worth.

Aimee: I should tell him then?

DBM: You should, it’s part of your story to tell. If certain aspects of your past just happen to affect how he feels about you, and could potentially change the dynamics of your relationship, learn to respect his concerns and decision.

Aimee: Okay! I have a meeting to attend in the next 15 minutes. It was nice talking to you, David.

DBM: Likewise. Remember that, a man who loves you truly – would never want to change anything about you.

Image Credit: Barbara Olsen

Let’s Talk To River

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 69: Hey David. I’d want to go by River

DBM: Hi River. How would you describe yourself?

River: I am confused at this moment

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

River: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

River: I fucked up big time. I am not blaming anyone else but myself; no excuses… I just made a mistake.

DBM: What did you do?

River: I mistakenly called my fiancée by the first name of another woman I am having a no-strings attached fling relationship with, while on one knee proposing to her.

DBM: Was she the only witness to this?

River: No! Two of her close friends, two of mine and her siblings were there. They were the team that helped me plan the surprise marriage proposal event.

DBM: What was going through your mind for you to mess up a ‘will you marry me’ once in a lifetime moment?

River: I was in the moment and excited as everyone else. I don’t know how the mishap happened for me to address her by the name of another woman.

DBM: What was your woman’s reaction?

River: She pulled her left hand out of my hand and asked for my phone

DBM: Your phone?

River: She made me unlock it to read my conversations on WhatsApp with the name I mentioned

DBM: What did she find?

River: A lot

DBM: Good or bad ‘lot’?

River: Everything.

DBM: What was the worst thing she found in your chats with her?

River: We had fucked that afternoon and talked about how hot it was

DBM: As in, you and the other woman?

River: Yes

DBM: The afternoon of the same day you proposed to your fiancée?

River: Yes. The proposal happened in the evening

DBM: How long have you been dating your woman?

River: Three years

DBM: How long have you been seeing the other lady?

River: About six years

DBM: I see

River: I really do no think all the sex I have should constitute an emotional attachment for it to mean something to me.

DBM: What’s your interpretation of sex?

River: Dave, I can just shake your hand right now as a friend, or colleague and it would simply be a handshake. I can choose to also touch your hand in a certain way for it to be rousing and emotionally heartwarming. Sex is just like that for me, depending on the person I am doing it with.

DBM: Why did you choose to date your fiancée, knowing very well there is an existing relationship in your life?

River: The existing relationship is purely for sexual gratification. We explore different sexual tastes the typical Ghanaian wife wouldn’t be open to. It’s safe and fun. My fiancée, on the other hand is a woman I trust absolutely and completely. I knew I wanted to marry her the first day I set my eyes on her. She’s someone I can laugh with; she has no history of cheating and wouldn’t crave the attention of other men; she’s a good Christian too.

DBM: You have a history of cheating, yet you want a woman who wouldn’t cheat on you?

River: That’s why I am saying I know I do not make the best of decisions when it comes to sex. I need a woman I can trust in her choices if I were to disappoint at any point in time in our marriage.

DBM: So, you could have told her from the onset about your escapades with this other woman, so she would be in the known to make an informed decision about you.

River: I erred; I accept my mistake.

DBM: You did not err; It was an intentional, selfish and inconsiderate act. And just like the many others, you are deceptive, manipulative and would say any and everything you feel in order to get what you want from a woman.

River: I am not sure how to respond to you. You don’t know me like that

DBM: Do you even love your fiancée?

River: I am in love with my woman. Honest truth to God.

DBM: I know many guys who genuinely think there is an emotional connection between them and the women they cheat on, based on the things they think they’re feeling when they’re around them. Are you sure you are not just curious about knowing what the experience of being with your fiancée would be or feel like?

River: I don’t understand your question

DBM: Your curiosity in being with a decent woman like her physically has been satisfied, no?

River: My fiancée and I have sex, yes. She’s physically attractive

DBM: I understand that you are attracted to her body, but do you have a genuine connection with her soul?

River: Yes, I do.

DBM: And, how does that feel like?

River: That’s why I wanted to take our relationship to the next level

DBM: Did she accept your proposal?

River: She said she needed time to process everything

DBM: When was this?

River: It happened in January, 2023

DBM: Would you marry a woman like your character?

River: I don’t know

DBM: You know, because it sounds like you have the best of both worlds

River: We all fuck up every now and then

DBM: I know, but then if you’ve cheated before, especially more than once, you know you will do it again, no? It may not be tomorrow, or in six months from now, but it’s bound to happen

River: My relationship with my woman is really great. I love our love and chemistry, but I think about being physical with other women as well. I want to have a lot of sex, just not with only my fiancée. There is a freaky part of me that is so profoundly personal, I can only reveal it to a stranger, a woman who is not my wife.

DBM: So, tell her this truth

River: I’ll lose her

DBM: Then you lose her. You owe it to her to decide what she wants for her life. It is the least you can do

Image Credit: Rodnae Productions

Let’s Talk To Gabe

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 68: Gabe

DBM: Hello Gabe. How would you describe yourself?

Gabe: A single parent

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Gabe: 7-ish

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Gabe: I have two friends that are really good to me. One is my Senior Secondary School sweetheart. She was my first love. I have realized that my feelings for her never went away. The second lady was the best friend of my late wife. My wife died 14 months after we married. She left behind our son, whom I have raised all by myself since 2016. My son adores my late wife’s best friend the most, because he bonds with her daughter. They were born the same day, and at the same hospital. They attend the same school and often spend the weekends and holidays in her house or mine. My SSS sweetheart divorced her husband after she realized I was single, and that, we still had feelings for one another. Both ladies are my soul mates; they bring something different in me – which I like very much when I am with each of them. I love the man I become when I am with them. I want to consider marriage and I am confused as to which of the ladies to choose. My son’s favorite is his best friend’s mother. He already addresses her as ‘mummy’. She’s also a single parent. My favorite lady, however, is my SSS sweetheart.

DBM: Okay?

Gabe: I don’t know what to do

DBM: Are you having sex with both ladies?

Gabe: I am. They’re good in bed

DBM: Do they know they are two of them in your life?

Gabe: No, but they have an idea of my friendship with the two of them

DBM: Are you in an exclusive relationship with them?

Gabe: No. I am not dating them officially. It’s the friends-with-benefit kind of situation

DBM: They both understand that is all there is to it?

Gabe: I think so

DBM: But they would want to be in a serious commitment with you?

Gabe: Yes.

DBM: Why is your high school sweetheart your favorite?

Gabe: She gave me an assurance

DBM: Which was?

Gabe: Leaving her marriage to come and be with me, which she did.

DBM: What do you really like about the other lady?

Gabe: She reminds me of my wife.

DBM: And, is that a good or bad thing?

Gabe: It’s good news

DBM: What kind of woman are you looking for in a wife?

Gabe: The two represent everything beautiful I am seeking in a wife

DBM: But you need to make a choice, no?

Gabe: I am in love with both ladies. I know they love me too, Dave. I was thinking I would marry one and secretly continue with the other.

DBM: How about coming clean about your feelings to the both of them?

Gabe: I can’t

DBM: Why not?

Gabe: Because I lied to them once when they asked at different times whether I was messing around with the other

DBM: Why did you lie about it?

Gabe: I didn’t want to hurt their feelings

DBM: The respect a man places on a woman, and the valor and maturity he presents in telling her the truth, looking beyond his present circumstances, looking beyond his desires and wants and needs, is the absolute measure of his true character as a person.

Gabe: I am a good man in love with two women.

DBM: Are you under any pressure to marry soon?

Gabe: No, but I would wish to be married by the end of the year

DBM: Give yourself time to choose. Let them know you are dating other women too

Gabe: It wouldn’t be fair to one. She left her marriage for me

DBM: Did you ask her to?

Gabe: No, but I didn’t stop her either when she told me about her decision.

DBM: Both ladies are mature. If you’re to ask any one of them to make a life decision about choosing you as their husband, at least, you owe it to them to choose in full knowledge of all the facts, no?

Gabe: I don’t want to hurt one’s feelings

DBM: Relationships are always risky. It might or not work out somehow, and we’re supposed to take responsibility for our actions when it comes to love.

Gabe: My son will be very happy if I marry the woman he adores. Do I consider his happiness in all this?

DBM: How important is your son to you?

Gabe: He’s my everything

DBM: Even more than the women you’re chasing?

Gabe: He is the love of my life

DBM: Good, because the relationship he has with you is what is setting the template for how he is to relate to every other person in his life and yours.

Gabe: I know

DBM: So, put yourself in his shoes. Which of the women would you have preferred?

Gabe: But do you understand the dilemma I find myself in?

DBM: I do. I am just trying to also put myself in the shoes of the women. If I were to be dating you, I would already know at the back of my head that, anything at all could happen for us not to be together. I would know you are capable of not choosing me; you’re capable of hurting my feelings. But then, I would prefer you rather end things with me in all honesty than a lie. These are your friends, meaning, you genuinely care about them. Why not allow them the dignity of knowing the actual truth about your decision?

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

Let’s Talk To Krys

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 8 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 67: Krys

DBM: Hi Krys. How would you describe yourself?

Krys: I am a lucky girl in my mid 30’s. I am curious, enthusiastic, a risk taker, very compassionate, open-minded; I care about this world and I believe I can help in making it a better place because I have the courage to try.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Krys: Can I say 11?

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Krys: Someone I care about just asked me to marry him

DBM: Has he got a name?

Krys: I prefer keeping him anonymous

DBM: Okay! How did you meet?

Krys: I was supposed to pick a colleague I work with to work. I had been going round and round to find the direction given me, because I did not know his area very well. I’m also slightly stubborn. I don’t like asking strangers for direction when I am lost. I saw an elderly mom standing by a locked gate. She looked like everything that could go wrong had gone wrong on her. I stopped by her gate to ask for direction, but realized she didn’t even stay in the neighborhood. She had come from Kyebi that early morning to surprise her son – who was celebrating his birthday that day. He didn’t know his mother was coming over, so he had locked up. The woman complained about missing the first bus coming to Accra due to a mechanical problem. Her handbag also got stolen at Kaneshie. She explained her situation and begged me to call her son, because her phone was in the stolen handbag. I handed her my phone to make the call. We got to know that her son had already reached his job station. He couldn’t come back home because he had to prepare for a meeting. I asked for direction to his workplace, and also asked about the route to take from his house to my colleague’s compound. The old lady joined my ride to pick my friend and drop him at work, and then sent her to her son’s office for his house keys.

DBM: That was very kind of you

Krys: Dave, I am always looking for ways to spread kindness. I don’t mind smiling at everyone. I don’t mind cracking dry jokes just to hear people laugh. I seriously do not mind to act foolishly if it’s going to bring a smile to someone’s face. That’s who I am

DBM: What happened next?

Krys: He suggested his mother stayed at his workplace till close of work, so they could go home together, but she wanted to go to the house and rest. She asked if I wouldn’t mind taking her back to the son’s residence. Really, I didn’t mind. I had started to like her already because we had been bonding in my car. By the way, her son is very handsome. In fact, in the process of convincing him that I didn’t have any problem with driving his mother back to his place, our eyes locked after smiling at each other. It was more subtle than just staring at each other.

DBM: How long did the eye contact flirting last?

Krys: Probably 15 seconds or more

DBM: You liked what you were seeing?

Krys: Very much. It felt like he was expressing his love and admiration for me

DBM: Weren’t you late for work?

Krys: I was but I had to see this through. I couldn’t stop myself from holding his gaze when he was talking to me

DBM: Fast forward to when you brough his mother home

Krys: She hugged me really tight, like she wasn’t going to let go.

DBM: Awww!

Krys: I read her son’s first text message while driving back to work. He was at his meeting but couldn’t concentrate.

DBM: Why is that?

Krys: I was on his mind

DBM: Were you thinking about him too?

Krys: Yes. And I was replaying that morning’s incident all over again. To say, everything happens for a reason knocked the wind out of me would be an understatement. My heart and mind smiled lighter and harder as I was unable to understand what was happening. That afternoon, we agreed to have lunch at a restaurant – where we sat next to each other and continued talking and smiling. Dave, I liked him immediately but we had to go to work after the hour.

DBM: Was he single?

Krys: He was. That was the first question I asked when we met for lunch

DBM: Good!

Krys: After work, he suggested we met for dinner at a different restaurant

DBM: Was this a date or something?

Krys: That’s the confusing part of it all: I wasn’t exactly sure about what we were doing. It was too soon to call it a date, even though he offered to pay for the meal. We talked and enjoyed each other’s company late into the night. It was his birthday. I was smitten.

DBM: Good for you.

Krys: Yes

DBM: Did you hear from his mother again?

Krys: I joined them for dinner that weekend at home. She was very happy seeing the two of us happy. She assured her of her approval of me if he were to consider dating me. She was rooting for us to be in a relationship. She encouraged her son to ask me out if he liked me, and put his heart out there and tell me how he feels about me. She asked me how I felt about her son

DBM: At dinner?

Krys: At dinner.

DBM: That was ballsy of her

Krys: We’ve been in a relationship for four years now

DBM: What do you like about him?

Krys: He’s a great guy. Even when he is driving me crazy, and I am driving him nuts, there is still so much for me to be thankful for. He loves to do things with me. He is passionate about his relationship with me. He is a great listener, and very compassionate. He is the most positive person I have ever come across. Edwin embodies all the characteristics of love in first Corinthians, even when I annoy him.

DBM: His name is Edwin

Krys: Yes, how did you know?

DBM: You called him out.

Krys: Edwin is patient; Ed is kind. Edwin does not envy; he does not boast, he is not proud. Edwin does not dishonor others; he is not self-seeking, my darling is not easily angered, he keeps no record of wrongs. Ed does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. His love is yet to fail me.

DBM: That’s a good man right here

Krys: David, I don’t know what I did to deserve a man like him. He is too good to be true

DBM: So is GOD

Krys: I believe in God

DBM: Then believe He’s thought ahead of time to gift you with Edwin, a man after your own heart – who will do things to make your life easier.

Image Credit: Godisable Jacob

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