Tag: Marriage

Let’s Talk To Zuhrah

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 182: My name will be Zuhrah

DBM: Hi Zuhrah. How would you describe yourself?

Zuhrah: I’m a good lady but when I look within me, I can’t seem to find exactly where I might be going wrong.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Zuhrah: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Zuhrah: My boyfriend takes very good care of me but I fear he is not doing as much for his wife. He’s very fond of his children and would move heaven and earth to give them a comfortable life experience. His wife, however, lacks the kind of shared time and experience he gives to me.

DBM: Has his wife complained to you?

Zuhrah: No, but she’s called me before

DBM: What did she want?

Zuhrah: She asked whether I was having an affair with her husband. I confirmed it and she begged me not to tell him about the call.

DBM: That was all?

Zuhrah: She also asked if I was in love with him.

DBM: Are you in love with him?

Zuhrah: I love him for all that he’s been doing for me to have an easy life. However, I don’t think I am in love with him yet.

DBM: What does he do for you?

Zuhrah: He surprises me from time to time with almost everything I want. He makes me feel very safe. He’s ensured I live comfortably. He’s never forgotten my birthdays, and does not leave my place without leaving money for me to fuel my car. He has sex with me more than three times in a week. He tells me he loves me every day, and spends a lot of hours with me before going home to his wife and children.

DBM: How long have you been together?

Zuhrah:  It’s been over three years

DBM: What do you think he’s benefitting from his association with you?

Zuhrah: He says he feels connected to, and loved by me. I know how to make men experience the love and affection they crave for. Dave, I’m experienced when it comes to watering my plants well.

DBM: I was almost under the assumption that you’re being jejune believing he could be that much into you, but from the description you’ve given thus far, he probably might be in love with you.

Zuhrah: He is.

DBM: Why are you not in love with him yet?

Zuhrah: He is not my type.

DBM: Oh, you have a type?

Zuhrah: Don’t we all? Lol! I don’t find him physically attractive most of the time. He’s financially also not there yet, but I’m managing my situation with him like that till I find what I am looking for.

DBM: You need to give his wife hope. Let her understand you’re not in to take him away from her.

Zuhrah: I already gave her that assurance

DBM: And, what did she say?

Zuhrah: I don’t know. It was an uncomfortable conversation

DBM: I can only imagine. Are you building friendship with her?

Zuhrah: No. I am not interested in that.

DBM: Okay! Have you drawn his attention to your observation about how he treats his wife?

Zuhrah: Yes

DBM: And?

Zuhrah: He says he’s doing the best any husband would for his wife

DBM: Do you believe he is?

Zuhrah: I don’t. He treats me way better. He treats his children better. The wife, I don’t think so.

DBM: Do you feel bad about it?

Zuhrah: I don’t. He is the one disrespecting his wife. I am not married

DBM: Nonetheless, our actions reveal our character

Zuhrah: How do I help his wife?

DBM: Has she asked for your help?

Zuhrah: Not directly, but … I wish she could get the treatment I get

DBM: I don’t believe in treating others as I’d like to be treated

Zuhrah: How do you want it then?

DBM: I’d rather treat others the way they would want to be treated. That makes more sense to them, I think.

Zuhrah: You are married; how do married men want to feel loved etc.? I want something to at least, share with her. How does the special person in your life make you feel good?

DBM: I don’t know what other men want in order to feel important in the eyes of their partners, but I have someone who smiles at me every morning and evening, I get my daily dose of hugs and kisses; I’m appreciated for the little and big things I do; there is real adventure in my marriage and there is novelty.

Zuhrah: What if the man is sort of, closed off at home?

DBM: When a man is vulnerable in a relationship with you, he tends to have an open heart. And when our hearts open, we become emotionally present to your needs. You mentioned earlier that he makes you feel safe, no?

Zuhrah: He does

DBM: Exactly! I have a question though: who are you beyond your relationship with men?

Zuhrah: I don’t have an answer to that, sorry

DBM: Understood.

Zuhrah: I know I’m coming off as the bad person here but I can’t help it when someone is also choosing me to be his safe space, etc. You get my point?

DBM: I do. Every choice we make in life weighs on us, one way or the other. So, if dating this married man is the high road you’re choosing to journey on, it’s you who will reap the benefits thereof. I have seen life become difficult for people who chose to take the easy path. I have also seen life become so easy for certain individuals who chose to journey the hard and difficult path.

Zuhrah: Thank you. That’s food for thought.

DBM: Participant 181, Ame, left a question for you: ‘What would you have done differently in your life with the right support?’

Zuhrah: By the way, Ame is the second most interesting conversation I have read on your blog. I smiled throughout your chat with her. But to answer her question, with the right support I don’t think I would have lived small. I certainly would not find myself in such a situation where I’m being less than I can be.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Zuhrah: I am pregnant for a married man. Do I have to inform him about my decision to get an abortion? NB: I am not ready to be a mother. I do not want this pregnancy.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Bash Mutumba

Let’s Talk To Ehab and Xyla

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 179: I will choose Ehab

Participant 179: Xyla

DBM: Hello Ehab and Xyla. How would you describe yourselves?

Ehab: Always trying to measure myself in order to improve.

Xyla: A wife willing to love sacrificially; willing to be humble in submitting to my husband’s leadership.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ehab: 7

Xyla: 7.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ehab: My wife and I have discussed extensively our need to be in a polyamorous relationship. We want to know how many of your followers practice this kind of relationship and how it’s working for them.

DBM: May I ask whose initial idea was this?

Ehab: It was a decision taken by the both of us

DBM: But who first proposed it?

Xyla: My husband first brought it for discussion.

DBM: Okay!

Ehab: It’s a form of consensual non-monogamy romantic partnership. No one will be doing anything in secret if that is what you’re concerned about.

DBM: I am not concerned. How long have you been married?

Xyla: 8 years, but known each other for 12

DBM: Is any of you already seeing someone secretly that you feel it’s time to introduce them to your partner?

Xyla: No!

Ehab: No!

DBM: So, why this sudden consideration?

Ehab: It’s not a sudden discussion. It’s a topic we had talked about prior to marriage. Every marriage as we know is different, and can be designed in any form that feels right to the parties involved.

DBM: True, but what is the basis of it? That’s what I am trying to understand

Xyla: I feel like I have given everything I thought would be sufficient to keep a man satisfied but I am realizing what he feels he needs from me is not enough.

Ehab: I also feel like I have deprived my wife of certain things that another man out there can pick up.

DBM: Is this going to be three people who are sexually or romantically involved with each other or four, where each has his or her own?

Ehab: We want to be exclusive with our options. Whoever I will be involved with wouldn’t share my wife. Vice versa.

DBM: You mentioned depriving your wife of certain things, what?

Ehab: My salary has not been able to afford her the kind of life I promised. Bills mounting up because I can’t keep up, especially with utilities, etc.

DBM: What kind of life was promised?

Xyla: Dave, the issue is I’m not even complaining but he feels he’s let me down

DBM: Has he let you down?

Xyla: Not at all. He’s very hardworking

Ehab: I feel like I’m disappointing her dreamed life

DBM: You heard her, she’s not disappointed

Ehab: But I am

DBM: So, keep your promises or don’t make any. You need to properly communicate with the one person you feel you’re letting down

Xyla: Hmmm!

DBM: Unless you are just not that much into building a true, intimate relationship with your partner?

Ehab: I am interested on every level

Xyla: I love my husband for richer or poorer. That was my vow to him.

DBM: One thing I have been very careful of in these past five years is not to project certain behaviors onto my partner to potentially suggest we do not belong together. If you love someone, and are genuinely that much into them, you understand and accept their honesty.

Xyla: Thank you!

Ehab: I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck for 10 years. I am not able to even save Ghs 500 a month. I feel like I am broke and I do not feel safe with the money and income that I make.

DBM: That is your truth, and your wife is saying she understands and accepts your situation.

Ehab: I am scared of disappointing my wife and failing my children

Xyla: You’re not disappointing me

DBM: What’s your current location?

Xyla: At work

Ehab: I am at the office

DBM: I may not know you, but I feel you’re an ambitious man. I can see it from the little you’ve shared.

Xyla: He is

DBM: There is no limit to what we can do as a people; however, assuming or listening to those negative voices from within can sway us from that potential. As a husband, you clearly want the best for your wife. As parents, you want the best for your children. But there are so many things also outside of your control.

Xyla: Dave, my husband’s major problem is he likes to compare himself to others

Ehab: Stop it!

Xyla: You do. He sees his friends on social media who have beautiful families and great jobs, nice homes or are taking enviable trips around the world, and suddenly would be moody – and looking at himself as falling short after comparing his life to theirs.

DBM: I am not surprised

Ehab: She’s lying

DBM: But on a serious note, people’s accomplishments or victories do not necessarily take anything away from you. It should not reflect on you either.

Xyla: He compares himself with every nice photo on Facebook and Instagram

Ehab: Esi, I don’t like what you’re doing. Please stop!

DBM: Do you know what I compare myself to? My past self, just to see how far I’ve come. If you’re ever going to compare, look back at you.

Xyla: We have come so far, David

DBM: I believe you. That is why you have to keep encouraging your husband to force himself to only see the good in all the moments; whether good or not-so-good. I strongly believe in toxic positivity, where we balance our time spent, acknowledging all the good.

Xyla: I am with you on this

DBM: We all feel like failures every now and then, but we choose not to wear it as a label on our forehead. Life happens! And it should not be a validation of who you are as a man, husband or father. Encourage yourself when you feel down. There is more to you.

Ehab: Thank you!

Xyla: Are we going to date other people?

Ehab: Do you still want us to do it?

Xyla: It was your idea, babe

Ehab: We can take it off the table for now

Xyla: I’m in agreement

Ehab: You did not like the idea all this while?

Xyla: I want you to be happy

DBM: You cannot want another person’s happiness more than your own. Most men know their significant others love them. Your husband knows you give him a lot of love – and he knows everything you are willing to do or sacrifice for him to eat his cake and still have it. I believe in a 50/50 relationship, where one person is not putting in all the effort to make the marriage work, simply because the other knows you love the idea of being married. You’re not giving your partner the chance to step up to do right by you, himself and the family at large. Do not encourage anyone to abuse that privilege. Protect your own purity and that of your husband’s

Xyla: Okay!

DBM: Do not settle for less than what GOD inspired in you to go for. If he chooses to mess around, know that there are men out there who model these very things you hold dear. Be attracted to what speaks sense to your heart.

Ehab: Boss, it’s okay! Stop putting ideas in my wife’s head

DBM: Participant 178, Wacian, left a question for you, ‘Do you believe in luck?’

Xyla: I believe I can change my luck by creating new thoughts and behavior.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ehab: What are your thoughts on polyamory? 

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: West Osee

Let’s Talk To Ana

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 177: Hello Dave, I’m Ana.

DBM: Hello Ana. How would you describe yourself?

Ana: Modest, hardworking and someone who knows what she wants.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ana: I will say 8

DBM: Why 8, if I may ask? 😊

Ana: Lol! Well, I would have loved to have 3 kids but life is never perfect so l have 2. That is not to say I am not grateful for the 2, but would have been happier.

DBM: I see. 😊. Your husband participated in this experiment a few weeks ago. Did you read our conversation?

Ana: Yes, I did, and read all the comments. Some of the comments were quite interesting and that is why I decided to have this conversation with you.

DBM: Great! What is your take on your husband’s submission?

Ana: 😀 He literally spoke about our belief and how we run our home. Before we proceed Dave, the definition of a “traditional wife in my case is where I hold the fort (as my husband puts it): support my husband to bring the kill and I turn it into something substantial for our common good while using my feminine abilities to provide love and warmth in my home. I am not sure why the mention of “traditional wife” paints the picture of a woman sat at home doing nothing in modern minds. Remember, our grandmothers still went to the farm with our grandfathers and in some cases did ‘Bodwa Bodwa’ (small scale trade) and still played their roles diligently. My husband is mostly away, so it made sense to stay back and take care of the home and our investments.

DBM: How did you and your husband meet?

Ana: Lol! We were childhood friends. I got married to an “area boy”

DBM: Hehehe! What about him got you interested?

Ana: At a glance, what l noticed about him was how gentle, kind and meek he was. And when I got to know him, I realized he was meticulous to a fault. Very organized and someone who plans ahead. Above all he is such a handsome dude.

DBM: Was/is he the type of man you wanted for a husband? As in, your ‘type’?

Ana: Of Course!! My dream man.

DBM: Okay! Prior to marriage, what was your dream in life? What goals did you want to achieve, etc.?

Ana: My dream was to have financial freedom and be in the position to help people.

DBM: What’s your idea of a healthy marriage?

Ana: My idea of a happy marriage is when couples are transparent and are at peace with each other. Good marriage should make couples eager to come home to each other and not the other way round.

DBM: I concur. At what point did you know you wanted to marry your husband?

Ana: Well, I have known him since childhood, so I knew what I was going for, but the highlight was how he included me in all his plans even when the relationship wasn’t official. I realized we had a future together. Thus, we had the same dreams.

DBM: How are you doing as a wife in general?

Ana: I’m doing great as a wife because our plans are working and I’m happy with how far God has brought us.

DBM: What are you most excited about in your marriage during this season of your life?

Ana: I’m excited about how our plans are yielding the expected results as we are working together as a team. The future looks bright.

DBM: What are your biggest fears about your marriage?

Ana: Touchwood! Losing my partner or my little ones.

DBM: Hmmm! I can only imagine. What strengths do you bring to your marriage?

Ana: Hmmm! Dave, my husband’s job is a difficult one but quite rewarding. It takes every aspect of our lives. I’m not on the field with him but I have learned over the years to help emotionally, psychologically, etc. It’s a tough job and I have resolved to be his peace in the midst of everything. Also, coming home to the warmth and love of his family helps a lot. I’m fulfilled when I see him happy.  In addition, he is very busy with work, so I cater for the kids and all other needs for the family.

DBM: Is your love for your husband growing any stronger?

Ana: Lol, sure Dave. He makes me feel loved and appreciated. And that is enough for me.

DBM: Are you satisfied with the amount of time you spend together as a couple, since he seems to travel a lot?

Ana: Physically, I will say the time spent together is not enough, but we know it’s for a good course. Hence, I can’t complain; but technology has made it a little easier. We are constantly on video calls and it helps a lot.

DBM: This is just a random question flashing my thoughts: Which of you would have more happiness if you had more money?

Ana: I think both of us will be happy. Because we have dreams of doing a number of things together and that will help.

DBM: Do you trust your husband to be faithful to you?

Ana: Yes, I do. Humans are not perfect, and he can’t be an exception but his actions and inactions speak a lot about him.

DBM: Maame Somuah wants to know everything about being a ‘traditional wife’ in this fast-paced modern world, and with all of your qualifications

Ana: Dave, As I said earlier, the mention of the term “traditional marriage” created a certain impression. Now, it’s not how much you make as partners that count in this fast-paced world. It’s how much you are able to save and invest. The fact that both parents are busy making money doesn’t always mean they are keeping that money. In my case, I work by managing our projects and assets. The time and pain I take to make sure we get the best value from every penny we invest cannot be underestimated as no third party would have done that without it costing us a fortune.

DBM: Yaaba Ackah-Arthur doesn’t understand why you pursued higher education only to make your degrees redundant? She wants to also know if you have help with house chores or you do it all by yourself? She wants to know what you do when you have your ‘me time’, and your overall plans for the future – when your children are grown and independent?

Ana: Lol! Education is good and the fact that I’m not directly using my qualifications doesn’t mean I have no use for them. An anonymous person once said “University education is like a universal key and with that, one should be able to open a lot of doors”. Formal and informal Education are all important. Should you skip one of them, you lose out on a particular type of exposure. An educated (Formal) wealthy person is not the same as a non-educated wealthy one.

My mother lives with me and she helps from time to time, but I do majority of the chores. What I do with my “me time”…. I love watching movies, documentaries and listens to a lot of audio books – for education and entertainment.

Overall Plans for the future: Myself and my husband day dream about this all the time. We want to work together in family ventures (hospitality, real estate, agriculture and media). Hopefully the kids will tag along. If not, we will keep guiding them on their own’ paths. We plan to go travelling as well if God permit.

DBM: Adwoa Kissiwaa Yeboah is asking whether or not your husband helps with house chores when he is around? She’s also asking, on days you are not on good terms or fight with hubby, does he still provide 100% and take care of you and the home? Her third question is, if your family member (i.e.: parent, siblings) needs financial support, does this fall on your husband?

Ana: My husband sucks at cooking. I think I spoiled him on that. Lol! But he is amazing with taking care of the kids when he is around. In fact, that is his bonding time with them. And yes, he helps out with chores when he’s free. I actually gain weight when he’s home lol. Though we don’t fight often, we do not allow anger to stop us from caring for each other. It’s our rule to sort out any misunderstanding before we go to bed. Until then, I ask him what he wants to have for dinner in an angry tone. And still provides even though he would probably want to “kill” me at the moment.

Dave, you see, that is one problem with a lot of marriages today, individualism though you are seen as couples. But individual differences and actions triggers reactions. Because we work together for common goals, any financial problem from either of both sides is ‘our’ problem. So, we draw from family coffers to solve that problem.

DBM: Princess Korkoi Victory wants to know how you managed to put your zeal to work on hold/dormant? She’s of the opinion that, in-as-much you may be comfortable, there could be an element of loneliness from within, no? She wants to know if you’re doing any side businesses to at least keep you busy? And last but not least, if you put your money into investments that yields profits? She wants you to elaborate on the ventures you’re working on.

Ana: There is no element of loneliness as I’m a very busy person. Again, the goal is to gain financial freedom, and gain control of your time and life, but not just work. You can be the CEO of the biggest firm but your life will be miserable if someone controls your time. We think financial freedom will give us that control and we are working on that, so I’m not dormant. As stated earlier, we are into real estate, agriculture and media, aside my husband’s job.

DBM: Abigail Owusuwaa wants to know if you ever get bored when at home? She also wants to know if your children ever ask why you do not go to work?

Ana: It barely happens as there is always a lot to do. I bake at my free times and teach the kids as well. Yes, they do, but I explain to them that I work part-time as a project manager and take them to the site on weekends and vacations, so they get it. Dave, one thing I want to say is I’m grateful to the sisters on the platform for the concern they showed. But there shouldn’t be a cause to worry. I am covered. Everything we have acquired by the grace of God are in our names (maiden names). And touch wood! If anything happens, we split all into equal halves.

DBM: Participant 176, Ulani, left a question for you: ‘Talk about your best memory of your ex, and teach me how it is okay to think of the good things about mine.’

Ana: Personally, I think ex is for a reason. To dwell on the best memories with your ex, I would rather use that time and energy to create the best moments with my current partner.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ana: If money wasn’t a problem and you had all the resources to live comfortably, would you still be doing the job that you are in currently?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: El Gringo

Let’s Talk To Ulani

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 176: Ulani

DBM: Hi Ulani. How would you describe yourself?

Ulani: I am usually doing what I love, especially if it is what I believe to be made for. But it hasn’t always been that clear and I must admit, I have stumbled quite a few times.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ulani: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ulani: My husband is suggesting to me to find another man to be in a relationship with, and I think I am willing to go out there to find him.

DBM: Are you separated or in the process of getting divorced?

Ulani: No. We’re still married

DBM: I’m confused

Ulani: He’s impregnated another lady, and is expecting his third child. I am unhappy about his actions, and I think this no longer serves the goals we had during the start of our relationship. Also, I am the one doing so much around the house, and with the children. It’s stressing me out.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ulani: 8 years

DBM: How many kids?

Ulani: 2

DBM: What goals did you set at the beginning of your relationship?

Ulani: We made a decision to always attend to our relationship so we don’t run the risk of becoming complacent and stagnant. At the moment, I feel like there is no real connection or intimacy. He doesn’t know what’s going on in my mind and I am not interested in knowing what is going on in his.

DBM: Was his suggestion of finding another man to shut you up or it’s an indication of him not being happy in the marriage with you?

Ulani: My husband knows that I speak up and would directly spell out my wants and needs as honest as possible to give him the chance to be there for me in ways I desire. I have encouraged the same from him. If he was not happy, he could have made me know.

DBM: I see

Ulani: I want to start dating again

DBM: While married?

Ulani: Is it a crime? Others are doing it! Besides, in my heart, we’ve broken up. He’s moved on; just yet to move out. We’re rarely in the same space though we live together

DBM: Question

Ulani: Ask

DBM: Are you mad at him? Angry, hurt, embittered, etc.

Ulani: I am only disappointed in my husband. He let me down. He let us down by betraying our dream. I feel like he took our history and experience for granted.

DBM: Have you told him this?

Ulani: I have

DBM: And?

Ulani: He said it’s already happened and there’s nothing he can do change reality

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Ulani: I do not, unfortunately. But I used to

DBM: If you really are considering dating another man before your divorce is final, please do consider getting some legal guidance first. I feel like it could be used against you

Ulani: Used against me?

DBM: Yes. A new relationship could potentially harm you in court

Ulani: I have no intention of using his situation against him, so why would he use something against me?

DBM: I don’t know the extent things have gone out of hand, but I feel like you will still keep him in your life to co-parent your children. You need to consider his feelings, no?

Ulani: I have considered his feelings. He knows I am no longer interested in giving him my best, and he’s cool with it

DBM: How about your children?

Ulani: What about them?

DBM: Have you considered the confusion this arrangement might bring to them? Seeing their mother and father with other people, etc. I am only looking at the devastation it comes with

Ulani: Our first child is indifferent. We talked about it and he is very much in support of mummy finding another man to make me happy. He says his father is very happy with Aunty Aba, and he is excited about his new baby brother or sister in her womb.

DBM: How old is your son?

Ulani: 7

DBM: And he knows about the other woman?

Ulani: Yes. His father takes them along on weekends to see her.

DBM: I see. How old is the second child?

Ulani: She’s 5

DBM: I see.

Ulani: You see a lot. What do you see?

DBM: Lol!

Ulani: I’m excited about going on the dating world again. Any advice from Mr. David Bondze-Mbir?

DBM: I don’t know.

Ulani: Really?

DBM: Just be thinking seriously about the long-term impact a man will make on your life, and most importantly, your psyche.

Ulani: Can I ask a personal question?

DBM: Yes please

Ulani: What made you choose the person you married?

DBM: We all have our criteria and checklists when looking for love. I set out to find that person who could make me forget about my list.

Ulani: Oh wow!

DBM: Love and, or marriage should not at any point be a weight around your neck. It should be an experience of open doors of possibility and grace.

Ulani: Is that what you have?

DBM: That is all I give, and have been given thus far

Ulani: Lucky You

DBM: Why?

Ulani: I feel like a failure. 8 years of my life all gone to the drain

DBM: You only feel this way if you think you did not live for you, but rather lived for someone else. Eight years of building an experience with the one you loved isn’t waste. It’s a win with lessons to be learned.

Ulani: You think so?

DBM: I believe so. The way you nurtured this relationship into marriage is the same way you will nourish the next relationship into something good.

Ulani: But my husband messed it up for me

DBM: It’s his loss, not yours. A man who cannot be true to his vows cannot make a relationship with another person a priority.

Ulani: You’re a good counselor.

DBM: I am not a counselor. I only enjoy chatting with people when I am in the mood. Participant 175, Shalom, left a question for you: ‘What makes you scream and cum, melting you into a puddle of nothingness?

Ulani: I love to make love in the bedroom but I also want variety. So, I keep sex exciting by exploring new places to play with my man. I scream and orgasm a lot when we fuck in the kitchen, car or the chair in our backyard. Sex in new areas is fun and would present creative opportunities to experiment roleplay

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ulani: Talk about your best memory of your ex, and teach me how it is okay to think of the good things about mine.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ricaldo Donaldson

Let’s Talk To Shalom

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 175: I am Shalom

DBM: Hello Shalom. How would you describe yourself?

Shalom: A man who loves to take himself off on a little sexual odyssey. I give my body the fun it deserves and nothing is suppressed.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Shalom: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Shalom: My wife found disturbing videos on my phone and I am not sure what she’s going to do with what she knows

DBM: How disturbing are the videos?

Shalom: Porn

DBM: She will get over it

Shalom: Gay porn

DBM: Are you gay?

Shalom: No!

DBM: So, why that kind of material?

Shalom: I was just curious

DBM: Tell her that

Shalom: She wouldn’t believe me

DBM: Why not?

Shalom: She read my conversations with a few guys

DBM: Friends?

Shalom: Kind-of

DBM: Okay?

Shalom: Friends with benefits

DBM: Sexual benefits?

Shalom: Yeah

DBM: How long have you been doing this?

Shalom: A while

DBM: Put a number to the ‘while’

Shalom: Nine to 10 years, maybe

DBM: How long have you been married?

Shalom: I cannot say

DBM: Why not?

Shalom: I’m just being careful with what I say. My wife or her friends may chance on this, and can put two-and-two together

DBM: Do you use protection when having sexual intercourse with men?

Shalom: Sometimes

DBM: How often is ‘sometimes?’

Shalom: Not that often

DBM: How many men have you slept with this year?

Shalom: About 6 or 7

DBM: Random people or these are guys you know?

Shalom: I know three. The rest are just hookups here and there

DBM: How many women, aside your wife, have you slept with this year?

Shalom: My wife is the only woman I sleep with

DBM: A straight guy, sleeping with just his wife but has been with 6 to 7 men this year? How fascinating do you think this is?

Shalom: I crave to be with men sometimes, but it doesn’t make me gay

DBM: You really want to know what I’m thinking?

Shalom: Yeah!

DBM: You have intentionally stolen the life your wife could have had with a straight man who would love on only her.

Shalom: I understand what you’re saying, but I really love my wife. The guys I meet are all straight. They’re married with families too. It doesn’t make us gay

DBM: If you say so

Shalom: Gays develop emotional attachments with the same sex. We’re just interested in the sex and physical contact. Nothing more

DBM: One of my high-school mates, Julian, always claims, he is not a crack addict, even though he smokes crack almost every day, and cannot function without it.

Shalom: It’s not the same

DBM: How about this, ‘I am not a surgeon but I have performed 6 to 7 surgeries this year”

Shalom: I am a straight man, married to the woman of my life. What you’re also not understanding is that, women generally, are for stability. Men are for sex

DBM: You’re not being fair to your wife. You’re not being honest with yourself

Shalom: I take very good care of my wife

DBM: Then why are you bothered she’s figured you out?

Shalom: I need someone to talk to

DBM: Talk to your wife. She’s the best person to reason with

Shalom: She will not understand me

DBM: I do not understand you either. You’ve eaten a whole lot of meat this year alone, yet you think yourself to be vegetarian?

Shalom: Why do you want me to accept something I am telling you I am not?

DBM: I am not forcing you to accept anything. I’m just drawing your attention to the fact that; you are an intricate tapestry woven from the threads of denial and love. And I feel awful for your wife. Any wife would feel disgusted and devastated by their husbands doing this

Shalom: Even though I am doing everything a man has to do to keep his wife and children happy?

DBM: What you are doing is extremely selfish

Shalom: I know

DBM: And dangerous

Shalom: I am not harming anyone

DBM: Are you getting tested?

Shalom: Of what?

DBM: STI’s

Shalom: I’m good

DBM: Being single is equally a good option. You know that, no?

Shalom: I want to stay married

DBM: Good for you

Shalom: How do I go about my situation?

DBM: Sincerity is best served with the truth. Tell your wife the truth. This also means you take her feelings seriously

Shalom: I can’t tell her the whole truth

DBM: Why not?

Shalom: I just can’t

DBM: Again, you’re solely responsible for your behavior, and the fact that you’re choosing to downplay the situation at hand – says it all.

Shalom: Do you believe she can forgive me?

DBM: The pain experienced when hurt by our loved ones take time to heal.

Shalom: Hmm!

DBM: Also, since it’s just ‘sex’ that you guys are into, know that your sexual partners have sexual partners, who also have their own sets of sexual partners. The circle keeps drawing till one of you infects the circle with a deadly disease.

Shalom: I regret that she had to find out this way

DBM: It may take her time to wrap her head around this. Everyone heals at their own pace

Shalom: Thanks for your time

DBM: Participant 174, AJ, left a question for you: ‘Who benefits in marriage the most… men or women?’

Shalom: I believe marriage just shows up for men while women are conditioned from a very young age to aspire to get married and have children. A woman will always be an available commodity a man can easily find when he is ready to settle down.

DBM: So, who benefits the most?

Shalom: The man. The game is fixed in our favor, no matter what

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Shalom: What makes you scream and cum, melting you into a puddle of nothingness?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Daniel Torobekov

Let’s Talk To Air

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 171:  Air

DBM: Hello Air. How would you describe yourself?

Air: I keep an eye on everything

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Air: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Air: Marriage

DBM: What about it?

Air: The fear of it. I don’t know if I ever want to get married.

DBM: That is also okay.

Air: I don’t think you’re understanding me. I want to get married, but I am scared.

DBM: Why does it scare you?

Air: So many of my friends and friends of my parents and siblings are getting divorced. Stories on social media are no different. Married men and women are having affairs; married men are making passes at my girlfriend, etc. It’s a whole lot.

DBM: How long have you dated your lady?

Air: 5 years. We describe our relationship as a domestic partnership. We also own a few businesses together.

DBM: Is marriage on any of your to-do lists?

Air: It was on mine

DBM: How about hers?

Air: She’s not obsessed about it. If it happens, she’d be fine; if it doesn’t, she’d be fine.

DBM: I am a respecter of people’s personal choice of partnership. You do you, so far as it is working for you.

Air: Yeah… Marriage is just a piece of paper, I guess?

DBM: Marriage is more than a piece of paper.

Air: Enlighten me

DBM: Well, you go from saying, ‘my girlfriend’ to ‘my wife’

Air: Lol! What else?

DBM: Your woman changing her last name to yours holds so much weight.

Air: Arrh, Dave! I want the heavy weight in its relevance.

DBM: Marriage does change things in your relationship, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you.

Air: How does it affect the dynamics of a relationship – is my question

DBM: Let me use my own experience: the love we share in our day-to-day is still the same after settling down; we live the same individual lives, and our relationship and commitment is just as it was. Nothing significant really has changed, we’re just married.

Air: So, there is nothing special to it then?

DBM: The bond we shared still is there between us, only, it became a sort of ‘certified’ or ‘final’ kind of feeling when we made the decision to get married.

Air: I get that part

DBM: What do you want in a relationship?

Air: A lot, and marriage is part of the lot.

DBM: So, marriage is one the end goals?

Air: Yes

DBM: Just marriage?

Air: What do you mean?

DBM: What type of marriage?

Air: The kind we both would be willing to go whatever length to fight to keep it alive should there be obstacles

DBM: How do you qualify such a big deal with just a piece of paper?

Air: I understand your point. I guess what I am struggling with is the importance of a public declaration of love for my woman and the recitation of vows.

DBM: I don’t view it necessarily as a publicity stunts, but rather taking a more legal official stance.

Air: Bringing us back to the certificate: a piece of paper

DBM: That piece of paper catapults your love and relationship to a whole new next level things.

Air: Like?

DBM: How old are you again?

Air: 36

DBM: Let’s assume you’re hit by a car after your wedding and hospitalized, that piece of paper gives your lady the spousal rights to love on you in a way that determines whether or not the hospital pulls the plug on you to either live or die. That piece of paper permits any of you to make all sorts of medical decisions on the other’s behalf, not a mother or father, but YOU.

Air: I get it

DBM: Your wife automatically gets whatever marriage benefits is due her, just because of that piece of paper. And so do you. No family member can kick your children out or claim your matrimonial home and house or businesses as theirs should any of you die. That piece of paper ensures whatever you both have left, in case of death, goes to the other partner first.

Air: Even when there is no will?

DBM: Especially when there is no will. You both have pension?

Air: We do

DBM: Assets?

Air: Yes

DBM: Bank accounts?

Air: Lol! Of course,

DBM: That piece of paper is basically your way of taking very good care of each other – should one of you choose to die.

Air: I am scared of disappointing her later in future. That’s my other headache.

DBM: Disappointing her in what sense?

Air: Cheating on her, etc.

DBM: Have you cheated on her since you started dating?

Air: Not yet

DBM: Do you have any plans to?

Air: Not that I know of

DBM: Most guys, unfortunately just want to get married. It’s only a decent and serious few who genuinely want to be married. Being intentional about staying married and giving it your 100% is worth more weight than just being married.

Air: I want to get married

DBM: Why do you really want to get married?

Air: I don’t know if it’s a good reason

DBM: I’m still interested in knowing.

Air: I can’t imagine spending a single day without her in my life

DBM: That is a good enough reason.

Air: She makes me very happy Dave, and I love her dearly. She’s my all-time best friend.

DBM: Imagine becoming your all-time best friend’s husband?

Air: Lol!

DBM: You like the sound of that?

Air: Yes. My girlfriend has friends who have issues with submission and obedience. They don’t believe a woman should be cooking and cleaning in a relationship.

DBM: A man should know how to cook and clean after himself. It’s no woman’s responsibility to be doing that for you.

Air: Hmmm! My girlfriend does it though

DBM: It’s always in one’s choice. It’s not torture. It’s also not her duty and, or responsibility towards you.

Air: Okay!

DBM: But I see the act of service as a type of love. Cooking for your husband or wife is a display of love. When you make sure your partner is well fed, well taken care of, you are simply expressing the magnitude of your love for them. It’s a show of gratitude for their daily sacrifice and intention to keep the home afloat. I cook whenever I have the time or in the mood to. It’s all about teamwork.

Air: Okay! Thank you, Mr. Dave. I had fun talking to you.

DBM: Likewise.

Air: Last question, what if I do not want a wedding?

DBM: What does she want?

Air: I don’t know. She’s never been the wedding type.

DBM: Marriage is a personal journey for me. My decision to do forever with my partner has absolutely nothing to do with the opinions of friends or family. I don’t care about what anyone thinks. All I want to be assured of is that, I have made the best decision for myself and hopefully, for my partner. No one should tell you or have a strong say in how your marriage should look like.

Air: For the first time, I think I like you. Lol! I always thought you’re biased and have been siding with the ladies

DBM: You’re still not getting my point: I don’t really care what you think of me. You don’t know me, I don’t know you, and it’s going to stay that way.

Air: Lol!

DBM: You can do court or even get married in yours or her pastor’s office in the church premises. The ceremony doesn’t have to be elaborate. The important thing is, you want to be together by hook or crook

Air: Okay!

DBM: How you start on a journey isn’t always going to be how you will finish.

Air: I agree

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Air: Is a good man or woman the right man or woman for you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Jonathan Borba

Let’s Talk To Egypt

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 170:  Egypt

DBM: Hi Egypt. How would you describe yourself?

Egypt: Pretty much messed up

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Egypt: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Egypt: I knew my marriage wasn’t going to work out long-term on my wedding day, but I couldn’t let go at that time.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Egypt: Six years

DBM: And how have you been managing thus far?

Egypt: Good question, Dave. I don’t know

DBM: Okay!

Egypt: Tears have started flowing already

DBM: Why?

Egypt: I feel guilty for wasting my wife’s time

DBM: Does she know how you’re feeling about everything?

Egypt: Not yet

DBM: How old are you?

Egypt: In my late 30’s

DBM: What prompted that conclusion on your wedding day?

Egypt: My wife is a catch; everything nice and sweet. She looked absolutely stunning in her wedding dress but for some reason I was still unfulfilled with my decision to settle down in a marriage

DBM: ‘Settle down in a marriage’ with her or the whole idea of marriage?

Egypt: With her

DBM: In other words, marriage is something you want?

Egypt: Yes

DBM: But not with your wife?

Egypt: Yes

DBM: How would you describe the current state of your marriage?

Egypt: I have taken time to fall out and I am currently falling apart. My marriage has been a mistake from the very beginning.

DBM: Whose mistake?

Egypt: Mine, and I take full responsibility for it

DBM: Did you ever love her?

Egypt: I did

DBM: Were you ever in love with her?

Egypt: I think so

DBM: Okay!

Egypt: My dad is suggesting I manage the situation just as it is and find solutions outside marriage

DBM: What are some of the proposed solutions?

Egypt: Finding another woman

DBM: Is it a solution he’s tried or tested?

Egypt: Yes. I am as a result of his relationship with my mother, who was his true love.

DBM: Your mother was his wife?

Egypt: No! He’s still married to his wife. My mother was the other woman he spent most of his time with. She was his person

DBM: Who is your person?

Egypt: Not found her yet

DBM: What was your decision to marry based on?

Egypt: We had been close friends and together for years; I loved her personality and character. She is beautiful and has been an excellent mother to our children. I knew she would be a great mother. I also felt the pressure to get engaged because everyone believed we’d make a good couple.

DBM: I see

Egypt: I haven’t cheated on her since we married but she found out a few days to our wedding that I had been cheating on her, and she still went through with the marriage because it felt too last minute to call it all off

DBM: How did she find out?

Egypt: One of her friends caught me with the other girl

DBM: Were you concerned that you had been caught?

Egypt: No. I was rather counting on her to cancel the wedding

DBM: Ha!

Egypt: Yeah! And I think she’s been trying everything to prove to me that she can be a great choice

DBM: When you find yourself trying to prove your worth, you have forgotten your value.

Egypt: That’s true. Do you think I’m being over the top?

DBM: Not really. But I am old school. My belief is that – when I make a commitment, I should be able to stick to it.

Egypt: Even when it no longer serves you?

DBM: It will not serve me if I no longer have trust in and for you. It will not serve me if there no longer is friendship between us. It will not serve me if there is no mutual respect

Egypt: What advice would you have given me six years ago, if I had come to you before getting married?

DBM: I listen to my instincts a lot, and I am always keeping my eyes open – when it comes to those around me and the people I care about. If something doesn’t feel right, then something certainly isn’t right. And I usually would want to make it right before making the decision to or not to get married.

Egypt: Easily said than done

DBM: On the contrary. Being genuinely committed to someone helps you to survive the inevitable bumps in the road that you’d encounter. Unfortunately, you’re not that much into your wife and that is why you do not see the need to want to commit to her and the marriage.

Egypt: Some things can be one sided and still be managed well, or?

DBM: Of course. I love ice cream. I hardly would share my cone with anyone. I don’t share my personal diary with people to read. These things can be one-sided. I am yet to find reason as to why one would fool themselves into believing – a healthy marriage can be one-sided and okay.

Egypt: Do you think there could be, at least, hope to salvage mine?

DBM: If I want something that bad enough, I take the necessary steps to make it work best for my good. It takes intentional work and planning. Simply desiring to have a good marriage doesn’t make it happen. What serious thoughts have you put into being a great husband, father and an overall, decent man?

Egypt: The desire to be is there

DBM: And, what are you prepared to do to make it happen?

Egypt: Hmmm!

DBM: What are you willing to sacrifice to make a healthy home? Because wanting marriage and getting it are not related – if you genuinely do not want your wife badly enough to create this kind of life with.

Egypt: I need time to think about everything

DBM: Marriage can be a good thing if you want it badly enough to sacrifice your best of self to achieve the out-of-the-ordinary experience

Egypt: I agree

DBM:  Participant 169, Atɛ, left a question for you: What does friendship mean to you?

Egypt: Openness to the other’s perspectives and being there for them the best way possible

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Egypt: I have no question

DBM: Okay! Thank you!

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To Atɛ and Aku

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 169a:  I’m doing this with my wife. My name is Atɛ

Participant 169b: Aku

DBM: Hello Atɛ and Aku. How would you describe yourselves?

Atɛ: I am the custodian of a valuable gift called Aku. I cherish my gift, and I am willing to suffer well with her. I am a father of three, an engineer by profession and very friendly.

Aku: Entrepreneur, mother and wife

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Atɛ: 8/10

Aku: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Atɛ: Sweetie, would you want to speak first?

Aku: It has taken me 17 years to finally realize I was raped by one of my husband’s best friends. He was also one of his groom’s men at our wedding. I thought he looked familiar when he showed up at our wedding rehearsal. I couldn’t sleep that Friday evening because I felt I knew him from somewhere, and needed to remember exactly where. I asked my husband for his full name, searched for him on Facebook and LinkedIn, before putting two-and-two together. In one of his old photographs on Facebook, he had his afro hair. The guy who forced himself on me in the university had an afro, and it was him.

DBM: How did it happen?

Aku: It was my first year at school. I was out partying with friends. He approached to talk to me, and then later ordered us a drink. We left the party grounds early because he wanted to spend more time talking and knowing me. We got to his hostel; he offered me another drink – which I believe was drugged. I woke up naked at dawn, lying next to his naked body. I didn’t consent to sex.

DBM: Had you had too much alcohol to drink?

Aku: No. The drink was spiked

DBM: What did you do next, after realizing what might have happened?

Aku: I got dressed and left to my hostel. I was very ashamed, I decided it was something to be kept a secret. But I later found out I was pregnant.

DBM: Was he the only guy you had been with during that time frame?

Aku: I hadn’t had sex with a guy prior to that night. I have a 16, almost 17-year-old son.

DBM: Does your son know who his father is?

Aku: No!

Atɛ: He knows me to be his father

DBM: Since when?

Atɛ: Since meeting my wife

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Atɛ: 8 years

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your friend

Atɛ: We go way back

DBM: How far back?

Atɛ: Childhood buddies

DBM: What is his character like?

Atɛ: He’s chill; passive-aggressive behavior sometimes. He used to drink a lot, but not anymore. He’s also married.

DBM: I see. May I know why you agreed for us to talk?

Atɛ: My wife wants me to end my friendship with him

DBM: Did you know about your wife’s ordeal?

Atɛ: She told me about it

DBM: When?

Atɛ: A few months into the relationship, when she had to tell me about his son

DBM: And, you knew it was your friend?

Atɛ: No! She put a name to his face on our honeymoon. In fact, we spent our entire honeymoon discussing him.

DBM: What did you agree on?

Atɛ: I suggested we didn’t tell him about his son, since he didn’t even recognize my wife. Also, I didn’t want him meddling in our lives.

Aku: But you’re still hanging and drinking out with him. I’ve told you I’m very uncomfortable with your closeness

Atɛ: He is my friend, Sweetie

Aku: Your friend who raped me

DBM: How do you feel about what he allegedly did to your wife?

Atɛ: It was wrong. But then again, he was young, and stupid; I can’t fault him for being under the influence. He was drinking and probably doing drugs at that age. But he is a nice guy

Aku: He is not

Atɛ: You don’t even know him like that

Aku: Before dropping out of Uni to carry the pregnancy to term, I told one of my closest friends what had happened. She decided to test him to see if he intentionally preyed on vulnerable girls. She stalked him to a bar he was frequenting, and pretended to be near-collapsing and drunk – just to see if he would lure her into taking her home with him. He approached her, pretended to like her, bought another drink, before taking her to his hostel. According to my friend, he started to sexually assault her. That was when she dropped her act to call him out.

DBM: Atɛ, why haven’t you told him about his son?

Atɛ: I know my friend; he will never be able to forgive himself. And, it will ruin our friendship

DBM: Which is important to you, your friendship with him or your wife’s peace of mind?

Atɛ: That’s not a fair question

DBM: You seem to be doing a good job picking up his slack

Atɛ: Come on! I am not defending him. I am just saying, what is past stays in the past

Aku: Really?

DBM: What your wife is trying to say is that, the thought of you still hanging out with him makes it impossible for her to release that past – which weighs heavy on her heart and mind

Atɛ: I am not dismissing her ordeal. I just feel like we can all claim our power, and not allow what other people do or have done to control how we feel or live our lives

DBM: Some memories have triggers that are hard to forget. She got pregnant with his son. Have you considered how difficult it has been for her to always be suppressing the negative association the mere sight of her son links to him?

Atɛ: I love you Sweetie

Aku: I don’t want your love

DBM: Have you had an open, judgement-free conversation with your husband about his friend, and how their friendship makes you feel?

Aku: I have

DBM: And?

Aku: He says it cannot happen

DBM: What would be some of your realistic boundaries?

Aku: I don’t want him at our house for any reason. I don’t want him and my husband to be friends.

Atɛ: As I already promised you, I will not invite him home again. That’s the best I can do in this situation.

Aku: That is not good enough.

DBM: Do you care about your wife?

Atɛ: I do

DBM: And it doesn’t upset you that your friendship with the said person, inconveniences her?

Atɛ: It does

DBM: Can you at least find a common ground?

Atɛ: I already have; he doesn’t come to our house

DBM: That is your understanding of listening to, and validating your wife’s feelings?

Atɛ: We all have a past: some good, while others are better off forgotten. We all have done shit that we’re ashamed of, and wish we never did. Some skeletons are better left in the closet.

Aku: Dave, you’re not asking about the similar skeletons my husband may have also left in his closet

Atɛ: I have nothing to hide, Sweetie

Aku: Were you taking advantage of vulnerable girls?

Atɛ: I have never done any such thing

Aku: Then, why are you defending your friend?

DBM: His best friend doesn’t necessarily have to be your friend too. You know that, no?

Aku: But here is the case I cannot stand his friend, and the thought of them drinking and laughing together is what is creating tension now in our marriage?

DBM: Are there any unhealthy behaviors that you feel you’re beginning to accept as part of your friendship with him?

Atɛ: No!

Aku: Yes, I can name a few

DBM: Let’s hear it

Aku: He drinks a lot on weekends and some evenings during the weekday with them; he’s been taking advantage of his kindness; they have affairs with other girls outside their marriages; my husband now knows how to lie a lot to me, and his friend is not that loyal to him as he is to him.

Atɛ: Not true

DBM: Which of her observations aren’t accurate, in your opinion?

Atɛ: He’s not taking advantage of my kindness. We’re not excessive alcoholics. We drink considerably. And, he’s loyal. I can trust him

DBM: I’m curious though: how does your friendship with him fit into your life?

Atɛ: He’s like a safe space in my life to process certain feelings I cannot share with my wife. We also talk about other important things

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Atɛ: Sweetie is my friend

Aku: Am I your best friend?

Atɛ: I have a best friend, and so do you

DBM: Are you able to make time to have fun together as a couple?

Atɛ: Sometimes

DBM: And, you communicate openly on the daily?

Atɛ: Yes

Aku: No!

DBM: Do you want what’s best for each other?

Atɛ: I do

Aku: Yes

DBM: Are you in agreement with your partner having all kinds of friends?

Atɛ: Yes. I have never asked her not to be friends with someone she likes

DBM: Some quality-outside-friendships can bring joy to people and even, contribute positively to their marriages. Hopefully, yours is doing same?

Atɛ: That’s my brother from another mother. That’s all I can say

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your son

Aku: Nenusem is a sweet, loving and gentle teenager. He’s still excited about holding my hand, hugging me, and will take any opportunity to tell me how much he loves me.

Atɛ: He does the same with me. He’s growing his own afro hair too.

DBM: Do you ever intend telling his biological father about his son?

Aku: Never

Atɛ: No. It’s not that a big deal

DBM: You’re choosing not to make a big enough deal out of it, but it really is a big deal. The fact is, you share a child and he doesn’t know that yet

Aku: And he will never know.

DBM: Participant 168, Susan, left a question for you: ‘If you knew in six months you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?’

Aku: I wouldn’t mind marrying a different man

Atɛ: What do you mean?

Aku: That is just my answer to Susan’s question

DBM: Susan’s question also asked ‘why’

Aku: I am very protective of the men I love, and they should be pretty much protective of me too. In the sense that, we both would be concerned with, and for each other’s emotional, spiritual and physical safety and overall wellbeing.

Atɛ: I have not been that for you?

Aku: That is a question only you can answer with your drinking buddy.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Atɛ: What does friendship mean to you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Lara Jameson

Let’s Talk To Susan

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 168:  I’m Susan

DBM: Hi Susan. How would you describe yourself?

Susan: Naturally a busy woman. I am the type that always needs something to occupy my time, else, I will go crazy

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Susan: 7 if I am not being made to feel bad about my decisions at home.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Susan: My husband wants me to stay at home and not work. He says that’s what is going to make him happy – if I am managing the household fulltime. He thinks it would be a burdensome responsibility when I have to manage the home, children and my work.

DBM: Is that what you want?

Susan: No!

DBM: What do you think will make you happy? Because your husband is clear on what would make him happy

Susan: I hold a Master of Finance degree, and currently looking to make career change. I want something that can increase my potential earnings.

DBM: In other words, you do not want to be a housewife?

Susan: I do not want to be a housewife. I work hard, and I love to work in my field. I think that is one of the few things that makes me smile.

DBM: Life is always better when we have the perfect opportunity to do what makes us smile the more. Afterall, you did not marry your husband just to accompany him in his life

Susan: Thank you!

DBM: What does he do for a living?

Susan: He’s a medical practitioner

DBM: How long have you been married?

Susan: We’re 2 and a half

DBM: You have children?

Susan: Not yet

DBM: How old are you?

Susan: 33

DBM: Okay! Did you discuss the whole stay-at-home subject before getting married?

Susan: He told me that was what his mother did, and he is very proud of her because she made time for them while growing up

DBM: What has that got to do with you?

Susan: In other words, he would be very proud of me if I agreed to him working, while I stayed home.

DBM: And, what was your response?

Susan: There wasn’t a direct question asked me. He just made a passing statement, and I smiled.

DBM: Does he earn enough to take care of the home?

Susan: He does. I earn more than him though

DBM: I see

Susan: Just saying

DBM: Understood!

Susan: Sometimes, I feel like the root of it is insecurity

DBM: How so?

Susan: This may sound like a dumb thing to grumble, but he is scared other handsome or wealthy men may express interest in, or flirt with me while at work.

DBM: You’re a beautiful lady. I can see from your profile pictures

Susan: Thanks. He gets uncomfortable when men compliment my looks. He’s always insinuating, I try too hard to look good.

DBM: Do you?

Susan: Of course! I love to dress well. I want to always smell good. I feel confident like that.

DBM: Okay!

Susan: And happy

DBM: How is your sex life like?

Susan: On the low. Why do you ask?

DBM: Sometimes, too much stress from work can take away the quality of time to be spent with a lover

Susan: My drive is not low because of work-related stress

DBM: What is it then?

Susan: My husband doesn’t know how to talk to me with respect. His choice of words towards me sometimes kills the mood

DBM: He knows?

Susan: I have drawn his attention to it. I don’t know if every woman sees it this way too, but for me, foreplay begins the moment I wake up in the morning. If he chooses to be nice to me during the day, sex is easily guaranteed, and must be expected.

DBM: I believe men ought to uplift their partners. That should be the first form of support coming through us naturally. It’s not your job to just take care of your husband, while losing yourself. Being a wife has nothing to do with that. You have your identity outside of the marriage as a woman.

Susan: I don’t want him to feel as though, I don’t listen to him. Because that’s the lie he’s started feeding his mother.

DBM: Most people hardly would care about the truth when a lie is more entertaining.

Susan: What do I do?

DBM: You want my honest opinion?

Susan: Yes

DBM: Do not allow him to take your piece of happiness. Do things for you too

Susan: What if he interprets my actions for something else?

DBM: Something else like what?

Susan: Going against his wishes

DBM: Let me use a personal experience as an example: when I was young, my dream was to do music fulltime. I wanted to write songs and perform them live for people. My father, on the other hand did not approve of my decision. To him, education was everything; my power, my way in life to succeed. Anything else was to be considered a hobby, and not taken seriously. Till date, I cannot unhear the mean words he used to hurt my feelings – simply because I wouldn’t stop singing songs I had written at home. He didn’t think my songs were nice. He didn’t think I had a good voice. He couldn’t see success in a music career for his son, but would be the first to hail and acknowledge a popular and successful singer. Truth is, most dream crushers will be people that you respect and care about. They are usually the well-meaning folks, irrespective of their negative attitude towards your goals in life.

Susan: That sounds almost like my husband

DBM: What are some of the things he says that you feel draws you back?

Susan: ‘You don’t make time for me anymore’

DBM: What will make him say that?

Susan: When I return home from work, stressed or tired

DBM: Do you say the same thing to him when he’s tired and, or stressed from work?

Susan: No

DBM: Do you make time for your husband?

Susan: I do

DBM: If your husband delights in dissuading you every now and then from pursuing what makes you, you, for the sake of sustaining your marriage, then perhaps the marriage was never the right one to sacrifice.

Susan: Hmmm!

DBM: I’d rather love on someone who may not share the same dream with me, but would be okay to allow me grow and fully develop myself by pursuing what I enjoy doing the most.

Susan: I just hope you are right

DBM: This has nothing to do with being right or wrong. It’s simply a choice of what you believe is the best for you.

Susan: Sure

DBM: I asked this question earlier, but let me ask for the last time: how would you describe yourself?

Susan: My name is Susan; a woman with analytical mind and strong attention to detail. I enjoy working with numbers and managing money.

DBM: Participant 167, Richmond, left a question for you: ‘Do you give to others whatever they ask of you?’

Susan: Honestly, I hate to disappoint people, so a lot of the time, even though other activities would have stretched me too thin, I would still find myself almost giving in to whatever is being requested of me – just to make others happy.

DBM: And, are you able to put your ‘A’ game on these commitments?

Susan: Not really. It can be exhausting

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Susan: If you knew in six months you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Godisable Jacob

Let’s Talk To Louis

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 166:  Louis, my brother

DBM: Hi Louis. How would you describe yourself?

Louis: Not complicated, not hard to understand

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Louis: 5.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Louis: I’m tempted to cheat on my wife

DBM: How long have you been married?

Louis: 14 years

DBM: Why do you feel like cheating on your wife?

Louis: My hormones are controlling this version of me, I think

DBM: What are your hormones seeking exactly?

Louis: More fun, more sex. I think I need a short break from the routine of my busy life

DBM: How busy are you in life?

Louis: So much going on lately

DBM: Like?

Louis: I don’t want to talk about it

DBM: Is sex lacking at home?

Louis: Not really

DBM: Is wifey a boring person?

Louis: Nah!

DBM: So, what is it then?

Louis: I feel like I need my batteries charged with a connection more available to me and my sexual needs

DBM: How would you rate your sex life with your wife?

Louis: Now?

DBM: Yeah

Louis: 55 to 60-ish %

DBM: I see

Louis: Also, I don’t want to stress her. Too much on her plate

DBM: Too much as in?

Louis: The children, her work, her dad, she’s also in school, etc.

DBM: What’s wrong with her father?

Louis: He’s sick

DBM: How old are your children?

Louis: 12, 10 and 7 years

DBM: How does your wife make you feel?

Louis: Make me feel, like how?

DBM: Tell me something about your wife

Louis: She’s self-sufficient, very independent, a great person, and a very hardworking woman. I feel desired by her. She makes me feel like I am the greatest man, and capable of anything

DBM: Are you capable of loving her?

Louis: Of course, I love my wife

DBM: How much?

Louis: Lol! I love her

DBM: Do you feel like you have lost your place in the marriage because she’s independent and self-sufficient?

Louis: Nothing like that

DBM: So, you feel useful in the marriage?

Louis: I do

DBM: How about your use and purpose in the marriage

Louis: I’m still the man and head of our home

DBM: In other words, you do not feel lost in where your place is, in the marriage?

Louis: I am able to fulfill my responsibilities as a man, husband and father

DBM: Are you attracted to your wife?

Louis: I am

DBM: She pleases you sexually?

Louis: Yes

DBM: You get pleasure from being with her?

Louis: Yes

DBM: Are you miserable in the marriage?

Louis: No

DBM: Are you in an unhappy marriage?

Louis: No

DBM: There is happiness at home?

Louis: We’re happy together, yes.

DBM: She takes very good care of you?

Louis: She does

DBM: Do you feel admired in your marriage?

Louis: My wife finds me attractive. She’s proud of me

DBM: Does she take your need for sex seriously?

Louis: She tries her very best

DBM: And is her ‘very best’ good enough for you?

Louis: It could be better, but at the moment, manageable. Are you married?

DBM: I’ve done five years loving and committing to someone, and each year has presented us different versions of ourselves that challenged our purpose

Louis: I didn’t know that. I thought you were single

DBM: I am not. I don’t discuss my personal relationship

Louis: Have you faced similar temptation?

DBM: I’ve been attracted to someone else before

Louis: And?

DBM: I drew nearer to the temptation to talk.

Louis: Just to talk?

DBM: The knowing you, knowing me process

Louis: I’m doing that too with the other woman

DBM: I see

Louis: And?

DBM: Mine could have been something equally beautiful – if I had pursued it

Louis: But…

DBM: I developed a taste bud for fine wine, and came to the realization that, even as a novice in wine tasting, I could tell the difference between an old and a new wine by the excitements each presented to me.

Louis: I love wine

DBM: Good. An aged wine has a pleasing flavor to it. Your wife of 14 years isn’t the same young lady you met and married 14 years ago

Louis: No, she’s not

DBM: You have at home, a woman who has grown strong with you, throughout the different seasons of your 14 years together, holding you, the children, the family and marriage down, no?

Louis: Yes

DBM: I came to the realization that; I’d rather have and value love that has grown strong.

Louis: Hmmm! Like fine wine

DBM: How long have you been engaging the other lady?

Louis: Almost three months

DBM: What’s your favorite fruit?

Louis: Apple

DBM: In what world do you compare a three months old apple juice to a 14 year old wine?

Louis: Yeah…

DBM: Does it even make sense to you? Just like the roots of any tree, its dense root are the masterstrokes to its endurance and potential to thrive. Question is, which of these new temptations catching your attention has done 14 years of YOU, three kids, and managing your household to build a family?

Louis: Point well noted

DBM: You have something that grows strong at home, Louis, and she’s your wife

Louis: I know

DBM: You may not need your wife to meet your horny moments. You do not need your wife to survive; she does not need you to survive either. In fact, no woman does. But for your marriage to survive, you need your wife.

Louis: Yes. My wife is not perfect, but she’s good

DBM: Try to love this new version of your wife that you’re currently staying with

Louis: I will try

DBM: That’s the least you can do. Find each other in this new phase of your marriage. Some of us are intentional on doing that

Louis: I need to say though, that a few things aren’t working to make our marriage as I want it

DBM: You can choose to divorce yourself from the version of your marriage that isn’t working for you now, and learn to adapt to the new phase it’s taking. Remember good wine, over the course of years undergoes a series of complicated changes that impact its aroma, flavors, and colors. And these changes elevate the wine to new heights, while revealing its entirely new character.

Louis: Yes

DBM: Good wine prepares the heart for love. And I know for a fact, the longer the wine is left to ferment, after being transferred to the oak barrel or glass jugs, the finer the wine tastes. What does your wife taste like today?

Louis: Nutritious

DBM: Your marriage can have the potential to grow into a deep, fruitful love, and the roots of your love can also grow stronger over time

Louis: Yes

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Louis: What are you most proud of about yourself?

DBM: Thank you!

Louis: It was nice talking to you

 

Image Credit: Rachel Claire

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