Tag: Marriage

Let’s Talk To Uriel

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 142: My name is Uriel

DBM: Hi Uriel. How would you describe yourself?

Uriel: I feel as if I can’t think clearly, and having a hard time deciding on something important

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Uriel: Six

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Uriel: I have a girlfriend. I also have a wife. I love them equally. I found out the girlfriend is dating another man who is married. I’ve been doing everything to make her life comfortable so I feel cheated. How do I get over the hurt?

DBM: Describe your hurt

Uriel: It’s a roller-coaster of emotions. I still don’t understand why she’s seeing another man. I take care of her needs. Now, looking back, I remember the number of times she had to turn her phone over because of a text message she didn’t want me to see. The number of times she put her phone on silence; the different times she cancelled on me and didn’t want me to come over. Everything is adding up now

DBM:  How long have you known her?

Uriel: A bit over two years.

DBM: What do you know about the other guy?

Uriel: Not much. But I know he’s also rented a different apartment for her

DBM: How did you find out about the other guy?

Uriel: Her friend told me. I know where she meets him too

DBM: Have you seen them together?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: Have you questioned her?

Uriel: I have

DBM: What is her reason for entertaining the two of you?

Uriel: She says we bring different things to her life

DBM: What do you bring to her life?

Uriel: She says I give her good sex and make her feel important

DBM: The other guy brings what?

Uriel: Quality time and attention. She also says he’s generous towards her

DBM: Generous in which sense?

Uriel: With money

DBM: Are you kind to her?

Uriel: In every way imaginable

DBM: I see

Uriel: I still remain a fool for her love

DBM: Even after finding out you’re not her only guy?

Uriel: I guess the wool has yet to wear away before my eyes because I’m in love

DBM: What you share with this other lady isn’t just physical; you have actual feelings for her?

Uriel: I do

DBM: Do you use condom with her?

Uriel: Why would I use protection?

DBM: To demonstrate a sense cautiousness

Uriel: We’re clean, in the safe-zone

DBM: Are you concerned about the health and wellbeing of your wife?

Uriel: I am

DBM: Are you comfortable talking about your wife?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: How would you describe her?

Uriel: She’s great in her own small way but I’ve realized one good woman is not enough

DBM: For you, you mean?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: What influenced your decision to be with the other lady?

Uriel: I felt neglected by my wife

DBM: How so?

Uriel: I think she stopped finding me attractive along the line. Also, she’s a workaholic; comes home tired and the children take her remaining time. I haven’t been number one on her list of priorities since we had our first child. The other girl made me feel special and important

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Uriel: Three

DBM: All with your wife?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: The other lady has any children?

Uriel: No

DBM: She works?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: What else influenced your decision?

Uriel: She sings my praises in and after bed

DBM: During and after sex, you mean?

Uriel: Yes.

DBM: This remark is in reference to the other lady, no?

Uriel: Yes. The sexual routine I had with my wife changed inexplicably. She was coming up with one excuse after the other.

DBM: What could have been the real issue?

Uriel: I don’t know

DBM: Is she happy being married to you?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: Does your wife know about this other woman?

Uriel: Not yet

DBM: What is the reason behind your inability to talk to your wife about your concerns, and or feelings?

Uriel: She’s dealing with a lot

DBM: Meaning?

Uriel: Work, family, school, etc.

DBM: So, her inability to make her life all about you isn’t intentional?

Uriel: No

DBM: I am asking this question as someone in your wife’s shoes. ‘Why couldn’t you communicate these issues with me first before resorting to cheating?’

Uriel: I didn’t want to come across as selfish

DBM: An affair can be easier to forgive if your wife at least, knows you are making attempts to prevent infecting her with a disease or getting the other woman pregnant.

Uriel: I am being careful

DBM: And in the process making your situation worse, no?

Uriel: I don’t think so.

DBM: Are you willing to work on your marriage to make it what you want it to be?

Uriel: I’m trying

DBM: Is the affair something you want to end?

Uriel: Not ready to end it yet.

DBM: Participant 141, Pike, left a question for you: ‘Do you believe in keeping your enemies even closer?’

Uriel: I keep my enemies in arms-length yet close, so I wouldn’t be paranoid about how they think and operate.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Uriel: If you could trust the fact that I wouldn’t judge you, what would be the one secret you would want to tell me?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Kindel Media

Let’s Talk To Pike

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 141: Pike

DBM: Hello Pike. How would you describe yourself?

Pike: Married, father, and a banker

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Pike: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Pike: My wife’s close friends hate my guts. They didn’t like me before and after marrying their friend. I tried influencing her association with them for some time but she’s back in their circle again.

DBM: Why don’t you like them?

Pike: They’re toxic and immature, even though she says they have always had her back.

DBM: What does your wife make of your circle of friends?

Pike: She has no problem with my friends

DBM: She knows all of your friends?

Pike: No

DBM: She approves of all of your friends?

Pike: She doesn’t get to do that. Also, my friends positively impact my life

DBM: What are your expectations of her friendship with her girlfriends?

Pike: I have none. I just don’t want them around her. My wife has a good heart, but her friends are problematic – in my opinion.

DBM: Why do you think they also do not see eye-to-eye with you?

Pike: Because I speak the truth, and they are jealous of my wife

DBM: Jealous, how?

Pike: They want what she has

DBM: As in, you?

Pike: And everything else I bring to the table

DBM: How is it possible for someone to not like you, but want you at the same time?

Pike: It happens

DBM: What’s on the table at the moment?

Pike: Comfortable living, two homes, cars, financial security, beautiful marriage, etc.

DBM: You’re the full package, I guess?

Pike: I try

DBM: Have you tried seeing things from their perspective?

Pike: They don’t have a clear perspective

DBM: But you do of them?

Pike: I’ve dealt with such people before.

DBM: The people you’ve dealt with aren’t them

Pike: I know, but if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.

DBM: Is it possible that you may simply be misunderstanding their thought processes?

Pike: Dave, these are very loud, vile and unmarried girls

DBM: How about the possibility of you seeing them in a negative light, simply because you may unconsciously be feeling insecure about your relationship with your wife?

Pike: That’s not the case, unfortunately. I just know they’re not good people

DBM: Why do you think your wife loves their company?

Pike: I don’t know Dave. I don’t know what she sees in them

DBM: How long have they known each other?

Pike: Since they were in school, I think.

DBM: On the average, is she choosing her friends over you?

Pike: No

DBM: Does she seem to care about your concerns about them?

Pike: I’ve told her

DBM: And?

Pike: She still keeps in touch with them.

DBM: What kind of compromise are you expecting of her to make?

Pike: I want her to simply end that friendship

DBM: What boundaries have you set thus far?

Pike: They’re not allowed to step foot in my house. Dave, these are ladies I don’t like

DBM: For reasons best known to you, no?

Pike: For reasons everyone knows; they are rude, and overall, bad influence on my wife. They date married men and make it seem cool.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Pike: 11 years

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Pike: That’s a personal question. I choose not to answer

DBM: Have you tried engaging them to know what their individual interests are, or even just to endure them firsthand?

Pike: No

DBM: What then is the basis of your understanding of who they are?

Pike: I’ve heard the kinds of conversations they have with my wife. She’s usually on phone with them on loud speaker. I have also read some of their WhatsApp conversations

DBM: Your wife made you read them?

Pike: No

DBM: Why do you have and keep your circle of friends?

Pike: You already asked this question

DBM: I have?

Pike: Yes

DBM: Oh, okay! But what answer did you give to the question?

Pike: They a good influence on me, and I can trust them

DBM: What are your unique qualities?

Pike: I’m mature, kind, supportive, intelligent, passionate, hardworking, ambitious, friendly, thoughtful, reliable, caring and confident

DBM: The confident people I have ever come across do not seek to bring others down. They’re rather too busy working on their own territories. They’re also naturally, very open-minded and will tolerate whomever and their way of being. Nothing you do reflects or projects on them negatively. Do you see your wife to be confident?

Pike: Yes

DBM: Do you trust the mother of your children?

Pike: I do

DBM: Participant 140, Zoey, left a question for you: ‘What would you think if your woman spent more time on his looks than on you?’

Pike: It will bother me. I like some attention on me too. It’s a way to show how much my wife loves me. I love my wife very much, and so I find ways to show how much she means to me. One of the simplest ways I express this – is by paying attention to her and her needs.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Pike: Do you believe in keeping your enemies even closer?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Any Lane

Let’s Talk To Zoey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 140: My name is Zoey

DBM: Hi Zoey. How would you describe yourself?

Zoey: African woman

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Zoey: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Zoey: I am still finding it difficult to understand why in this day and age, it is a woman who has it so hard. I am dealing with my periods – the hormonal rise and fall, which influences numerous physical sensations and emotional shifts, which I experience for days before and after menstruation. The mood swings, those of us who bloat, get depressed, the fatigue, breast tenderness and the headaches – which sometimes would disrupt our daily routine. Dave, menstrual cramps sucks. I am always miserable during my period. Let me not even talk about pregnancy; the woman is feeling sick, tired and moody, and what is her husband thinking about? When he can have sex with you. I acknowledge that men go through their own struggles but sometimes, you guys are the reason why our marriages become overwhelming. My husband thinks I am not excited about him, but the truth is, I sometimes feel like I am dealing with everything on my own in this marriage, and this makes me feel isolated and resentful.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Zoey: Eight years, Dave. We have two kids

DBM: I see

Zoey: Society and men, indirectly put unrealistic expectations on how a woman should look like. Girls have to look pretty; such stereotype. Can you imagine my boss, a man, once walked to my office to suggest to me to wear ‘a little bit of make-up’? My husband had said same years back. Putting on make-up is too much work for me; it steals my time and it’s tiring to say the least. Why should I have stuff on my face before I am seen to be beautiful? Or in my boss’s words, ‘presentable to potential clients’. I mean, why?

DBM: It’s not down to your boss or husband to dictate your enhancing routine. It’s down to you

Zoey: I know, and I told my husband and boss the same thing, it’s my face. The same way I have no input on their decisions to build their bodies in the gym or ‘dress to kill’, I am in no way decorating my face to satisfy their curiosity.

DBM: Hmmm!

Zoey: Also, my husband thinks I don’t like having sex with him. Look, I respect the fact that his sexual desire is stronger than mine. With this knowledge in the backdrop, he’s supposed to SATISFY me during sex, so I can fall on the pleasure he brings me during sex – to increase my yearning for more. But no, man only wants to pound and last for 15 minutes or less, cum and then, sleep.

DBM: What feedback do you give him after sex?

Zoey: I tell him what he wants to hear

DBM: Like?

Zoey: Anything to make him feel he’s good in bed

DBM: And, is the ‘anything’ in this context the truth?

Zoey: No!

DBM: So, you’re the one enabling his mediocre performance

Zoey: I am not. A man is supposed to know what he’s supposed to do to make his woman feel fulfilled

DBM: But as a man, I would have preferred my partner rather being vocal and honest with me about how they truly feel during sex. How difficult is it for you to lovingly suggest what makes you happy or needs changing during intercourse?

Zoey: Men don’t listen

DBM: We do listen

Zoey: Not my husband.

DBM: Have you showed him how to please you? Because a real man, and husband would have a listening ear, and his aim would be only to please you. When it comes to sex, men work hard with the intention of pleasing. Because in our minds, if you’re satisfied, we will get the opportunity to repeat history all over again with you.

Zoey: Hmmm!

DBM: Your silence has consequences. The gaps he’s unable to fill also have its own consequences.

Zoey: I agree

DBM: Participant 139, Emmett, left a question for you: ‘Has something ever started out badly for you but in the end, was great?’

Zoey: No

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Zoey: What would you think if your man spent more time on his looks than on you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Heyy Kazz

Let’s Talk To Mamle

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 136: Mamle

DBM: Hi Mamle. How would you describe yourself?

Mamle: Radiant, scrumptious, gorgeous, fun to be with, hardworking, troublesome, peaceful, friendly and very active

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Mamle: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Mamle: My boyfriend is on my case as we speak to agree to his request of recording us while having sex. I am not comfortable with it; I have made it known to him but he keeps giving me pressure.

DBM: Have you asked his reasons for such a request?

Mamle: He says our sex life is something he thinks about a lot because he cherishes it, and so, having it videoed for him to be watching it every now and then would add to the beauty of it. It’s a recording he claims would be viewed by just the two of us.

DBM: Would you want to have such a footage of yourself on phone?

Mamle: Never

DBM: So, tell him that

Mamle: I have, but he keeps bringing it up. He’s been sending me recordings of him masturbating, etc.

DBM: What do you do with such videos?

Mamle: I watch them, and keep it on my phone.

DBM: Why?

Mamle: It turns me on sometimes

DBM: And, you give him such feedback?

Mamle: I do. It excites me in so many ways. And these random moments are build-ups to us meeting and having sex on the regular. I appreciate it when he sends me videos of himself doing things. I don’t ask for them, he sends them my way voluntarily

DBM: Have you also captured yourself on camera doing things for him?

Mamle: No. I don’t trust the internet

DBM: Imagine your sex tape with him becoming available publicly?

Mamle: That is what I cannot imagine.

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Mamle: 4 years

DBM: What is the end goal?

Mamle: To make a lifetime commitment together

DBM: In marriage?

Mamle: Yes

DBM: How old are you?

Mamle: 33

DBM: Him?

Mamle: 36

DBM: What’s his profession?

Mamle: He’s an Accountant

DBM: You?

Mamle: A nurse

DBM: I see

Mamle: A part of me wants to give in because it’s something that I know would make him very happy

DBM: Why is a part of him not willing to respect your discomfort?

Mamle: I also don’t understand

DBM: I know a lot of women who couldn’t overcome the temptation of compromising themselves, all because a reward of love was put on the table. Question is, is he worth risking the unknown?

Mamle: I love him and he loves me too

DBM: Do you trust him?

Mamle: I do

DBM: How do you measure your trust in/for him?

Mamle: I don’t understand the question

DBM: Let’s assume your relationship suddenly ends on a bad note, would your mind be at peace knowing he’s got your nudes and videos on his phone – and that, you trust it wouldn’t be all over the internet?

Mamle: No

DBM: Okay!

Mamle: But how about we record it, and then delete it a few days after watching it?

DBM: How about you film it alright, but then his phone or yours gets stolen the next morning?

Mamle: Hmmm!

DBM: The lust I know in men knows no boundaries

Mamle: He will be cautious; I know my boyfriend

DBM: Good luck with that

Mamle: He’s not the type of guy to be making unnecessary demands of me. This is his first serious request and I don’t want him to feel like I don’t trust or denying him. Moreover, you are the same people always preaching compromise in relationships on your platforms. Isn’t it the same?

DBM: I believe in compromising, but to some extent. I will not compromise too much to the extent of losing myself. It’s never okay to overcompensate, simply because it makes the other person happy.

Mamle: I understand

DBM: Do you feel like already, you’re giving away more than you should of yourself – all in the name of love?

Mamle: I don’t know

DBM: If you’ve ever been cautioned intuitively about certain things you’re doing in the relationship, simply because it’s what your boyfriend wants or is pleased with; if deep down it feels like a red flag to you, then please don’t be sweeping it under the carpet that easily

Mamle: I’ve heard you. Dave, my second problem is, I do not know for sure if he’s going to marry me.

DBM: Have you brought the marriage conversation up with him?

Mamle: Many times

DBM: And?

Mamle: He is not ready to get married

DBM: Are you?

Mamle: I’ve been ready for a long time

DBM: Why is he not ready?

Mamle: I don’t know. He says he will marry me at the right time

DBM: How do you know you’re ready to marry your boyfriend?

Mamle: I love him, and I don’t want to remain single for so long

DBM: But you’re not single

Mamle: I’m unmarried, so still single

DBM: I see. Has he a timeline he’s working with to marry you?

Mamle: Not that I know of

DBM: So, sit him down and create a time-table that would work for the both of you.

Mamle: Would that not be putting pressure on him?

DBM: It’s all about coming to a compromise to plan your future with him. It’s not about you insisting, but discussing the next step within a favorable time-frame together

Mamle: And what if he’s still indecisive about marriage?

DBM: There was a point in my life, I could genuinely love someone, but at the same time desire and want something totally different – that did not include the one person I loved in the picture. I can be in love with you, and still not be the best choice of a spouse for you. You know that, no?

Mamle: He’s all I know

DBM: There’s more to know

Mamle: Hmmm!

DBM: Participant 135, Chibueze, left a question for you: ‘If you had to be in a long-term relationship for two years without your spouse’s physical presence, would you remain faithful?’

Mamle: This is a hard one. Distance can impact my emotional connection with someone I love. It can make me feel neglected, even though we might be communicating on phone. And if the neglected me is to meet someone close-by I connect with, it will eventually start to feel like I have someone in my life. My intention may not be to have an affair but I may end up having an affair.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Mamle: How do you live your life on a daily basis: Do you prefer planning every detail in advance or you’re the spontaneous type?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Letticia Massari

Let’s Talk To Leroy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 133: Leroy

DBM: Hello Leroy. How would you describe yourself?

Leroy: Proactive and ambitious in life

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Leroy: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Leroy: I recently found out that my wife consumes a lot of porn. The first time I saw it, I didn’t think of making an issue out of it. But I am beginning to feel bothered by it after seeing it on her phone again. From the little I saw, she prefers a certain type of man, because her browsing history had specific searching, tall, well-built black hunks. I am not that so what does that mean?

DBM: How often do you have open conversations about sex with your wife?

Leroy: Not often

DBM: What do you truly feel about her watching porn?

Leroy: I think it’s a form of cheating

DBM: Okay?

Leroy: And it makes me a little uncomfortable and jealous

DBM: Would you be okay to watch it together if she’s to invite you to it?

Leroy: Why would I do that?

DBM: I have a friend who finds it stimulating to watch pornography with his wife, to the extent of even considering it a vital aspect of their foreplay.

Leroy: No

DBM: How important is your intimate life with wifey?

Leroy: Very important

DBM: So, the sex talk does happen between you two?

Leroy: When I’m frustrated and tired of not getting her to see things from my perspective

DBM: Do you know what your wife likes in bed?

Leroy: I think so

DBM: You give her exactly what she wants during sex?

Leroy: I try. I mean, I can’t read her mind to know everything

DBM: Have you confronted your wife after finding this out?

Leroy: No. It annoys me to bring the conversation up

DBM: Why does it annoy you?

Leroy: It just does. And it makes me not feel valued

DBM: Ask her why she watches porn

Leroy: Hmmm!

DBM: You used to watch porn yourself, no?

Leroy: Yes, but I stopped a long time ago

DBM: Why did you stop?

Leroy: I had my wife to satisfy me

DBM: Why were you watching porn those times?

Leroy: Dave, I like sex, and I like watching attractive women have sex. It’s a turn on for me

DBM: Do you think you’re good enough in bed?

Leroy: I am. The women praise my abilities

DBM: Including your wife?

Leroy: Sometimes

DBM: But which woman has categorically told you she’s pleased by the things you do to her during sex?

Leroy: I have this friend I mess around with. She’s excited about whatever I can do in bed with her and I am completely taken by her excitement.

DBM: When was the last time she gave such feedback of feeling pleased?

Leroy: Just last week

DBM: She’s married?

Leroy: No

DBM: Oh, okay! I’m guessing after every session, you leave her some money etc.

Leroy: I’m taking care of her needs basically, and I like her because she appreciates me.

DBM: Your wife doesn’t?

Leroy: Not to the level I am experiencing right now

DBM: What is the current state of your relationship with your wife?

Leroy: I think she’s damaging the connection and emotional intimacy between us with her porn delight. I’m gradually pulling away from her and may ultimately, uncouple from our sex life.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Leroy: 9 years

DBM: How often do you have sex with your wife?

Leroy: Not often

DBM: Explain

Leroy: She’s not willing to try different things with me, but I’m not complaining. This other lady I’m talking about gives me breakfast and quickies after feeding me. I feel like a man when I hold her

DBM: Was that the reason why you had to resort to the other woman?

Leroy: Partly

DBM: Explain your need for sex?

Leroy: Dave, it’s just like my cravings for food

DBM: You think you can die without having sex?

Leroy: Lol! I know what you’re trying to do

DBM: Smh! What kind of mindset do you have when you think about sex?

Leroy: I don’t understand the question

DBM: For example, I have a growth mindset about sex, because I believe sex changes with time. Just like our traditions, they keep evolving with time. So, how I choose to create a memorable experience with my body, with a loved one, in a defined setting or atmosphere is what I choose to call my unique experience, which I am pleased with.

Leroy: I agree

DBM: So, what is your mindset like?

Leroy: Yeah, I’m open to giving it and being received. I try new stuff all the time and it spices things up

DBM: Do you create these new experiences with your wife during sex or you pay it forward to her after being with the other lady?

Leroy: My wife can be very boring

DBM: Meaning?

Leroy: No initiative from her part. But with this other girl, I am able to last longer in bed

DBM: Are you one of those guys immixing longer sex with better sex?

Leroy: Sometimes, it is. Going the long distance can be steamy

DBM: And marathonic

Leroy: Not to me. My wife always wants me to stop after the first 10 minutes

DBM: Why?

Leroy: She says I keep too long. Says the woman with a porn addiction

DBM: Has it occurred to you that she probably enjoys pleasing herself with porn because masturbation helps her to achieve her desired sex?

Leroy: Whatever makes her happy

DBM: Participant 132, Asher, left a question for you: ‘What do you enjoy about your job?’

Leroy: I’m fairly compensated; the benefits that come along with the salary is also great. My job gives me the freedom to do other things which balances with my personal life. The working environment is less stressful and my employer provide us with the needed tools to reach our daily goals.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Leroy: You own a crystal ball that could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, your past, present, the future and anything else. What would you want to know?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Andrea Piacquadio

Let’s Talk To Ira

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 131: Ira

DBM: Hello Ira. How would you describe yourself?

Ira: I have to have money

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ira: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ira: My wife doesn’t want to be married again but I do. How do I get her to want to stay married?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ira: 7 years

DBM: Seven good or bad years?

Ira: It’s not been an easy journey but it wasn’t all that bad

DBM: Why does she want out?

Ira: She says I do not meet all of her needs

DBM: Meaning?

Ira: She’s not happy

DBM: What were her expectations of you and the marriage?

Ira: I don’t know

DBM: You have to ask her

Ira: She doesn’t know how to explain her feelings at the moment

DBM: Did she have any ‘problems’ with you prior to getting married?

Ira: Everybody had a problem or two with their significant others before marriage

DBM: Those problems do not go away after the wedding, you know that, no?

Ira: I know

DBM: You need to find out why she’s not happy

Ira: That’s the problem, she’s not able to point out the specifics. All she says is, ‘this marriage is not serving my best interest. I am not happy. I will be better off single’

DBM: Do you believe she would be happy as a single woman?

Ira: We have children, Dave. I feel that our personal pursuit for happiness shouldn’t be the first priority. The kids are

DBM: I disagree

Ira: Why?

DBM: Did you marry her because of children?

Ira: Not really

DBM: Why did you get married?

Ira: Because she used to make me happy and vice versa

DBM: So, which of you stopped trying as hard to keep the other happy?

Ira: I’d say she did

DBM: Why is that?

Ira: She became all about the children. She put me second.

DBM: Who is your first now?

Ira: Certainly not my wife

DBM: There’s a new first?

Ira: I am willing to drop her for my wife and start all over again if she’s open to making our marriage a priority.

DBM: In other words, your marriage is currently on autopilot?

Ira: Something like that

DBM: I can understand why it’s failing for the both of you

Ira: Marriage is difficult, Dave.

DBM: Because marriage in itself automatically creates problems. It is rife with its own issues

Ira: And I miss being single sometimes

DBM: You miss being single because when you’re a bachelor, you only make decisions for yourself; you’re focused on you and what keeps you excited. If you have a wife, you put your marriage first. Seven years into the marriage and your love is already dwindling?

Ira: Not mine, hers

DBM: Do you know what your wife wants or needs in order to be happy?

Ira: I think so, but I do not want to start something I know I cannot sustain

DBM: Is whatever it is above and beyond your ability?

Ira: Not really

DBM: So, what’s the catch?

Ira: I have my needs and wants too

DBM: And, at what point can the two of you consider compromising?

Ira: I was the one always compromising till I got fed up

DBM: I bet your wife would say same?

Ira: Yes

DBM: So, what’s the way forward?

Ira: I want to stay married

DBM: To?

Ira: My wife of course, who else? Lol!

DBM: Why are you sleeping with the other lady?

Ira: I am not. She’s someone I used to date

DBM: And?

Ira: I sometimes miss what we used to have

DBM: Does she know you’re married?

Ira: Yes, she’s also married

DBM: Why is she the someone you enjoy talking to?

Ira: Dave, before I met and married my wife, I had a life and friends of my own.

DBM: Now you’re married, you have children, your priorities change. You focus changes. Even your energy changes

Ira: My friendship with this woman is what is keeping me levelheaded

DBM: Have you explained this to your wife?

Ira: She thinks there is something going on between us

DBM: What ingredients constitute this friendship?

Ira: It’s a beautiful bond we share. We’re good friends, committed to what we have; there is respect, trust and service; we love on the level of the love and attention we give each other.

DBM: Is there something else beyond friendship going on?

Ira: Yes, but we have no plans pursuing an affair

DBM: If you say ‘we’, you mean you’ve both identified the on-going chemistry and its probability of infringing upon your boundaries?

Ira: Yes. I don’t want to be pressured to cut her off

DBM: Is the friendship worth losing your marriage?

Ira: She’s no bad energy

DBM: Are you still in love with her?

Ira: I care about her

DBM: What does that mean?

Ira: It is what it is

DBM: Is your ex inserting herself between you and your wife?

Ira: No

DBM: Are you inserting yourself between your ex and her husband?

Ira: I don’t think so

DBM: So, say a definite ‘No!’

Ira: It is what it is

DBM: Are you pursuing your wife as much as you’re invested in whatever it is you share with this your lady friend?

Ira: I try

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Ira: I think so

DBM: Do you value her?

Ira: I do

DBM: Do you cherish her?

Ira: I do

DBM: Do you serve her well?

Ira: I do the best I can

DBM: Do you know the best and worst of your wife, and still love her anyways?

Ira: I love her

DBM: Participant 130, Dofi, left a question for you: ‘Is it ever OKAY to lie?’

Ira: Sometimes. If you’re married to someone like my wife, lying the right way to her is what actually builds her trust in me. It’s all about when and how you tell the lie. When the intention behind what I’m saying to her is good, nothing else should matter.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ira: Do you think it’s better to stay friends with exes, or to cut ties with them? Are you over your ex?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: David Gomes

Let’s Talk To Otis

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 124: Otis

DBM: Hello Otis. How would you describe yourself?

Otis: I stay true to myself majority of the time. I like challenges and I don’t always take the easiest routes out of a situation.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Otis: Eight

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Otis: As at March 14th 2023, I was of the opinion that I was burdened by a conflicting issue. My wife is the perfect homemaker and we have a great friendship and relationship. She is her happiest when around me; she’s affectionate and caring, but I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t hyping my energy to her level. We’re in our 8th year of marriage and if I am to cast my mind back to the statistics within my circle of friends, the likelihoods of me and my wife ending up in a lifelong marriage could fundamentally be based on a coin toss. Dave, I’m going to be honest, my heart wasn’t in it last year and was indifferent about the way forward. Divorce or separation did cross my mind but I felt guilty at the thought of it because my wife really has been good to me. I know my life is better because I’m a part of hers, but I was in a state where I though my true feelings would be miserable if I continued staying married. The crazy thing is, my wife sensed my unhappiness and has been showing up for us to talk about what is going on with me. I just have not been able to truthfully open up to her about my feelings. What I want to talk about is how I had the perfect opportunity to meet a need in me with another woman but chose not to.

DBM: Why?

Otis: I realized abruptly that there is nothing wrong with my wife, and that I would have cheated regardless of who I was in a relationship with. I am the one with issues to deal with, not my wife.

DBM: That’s a first. Walk me through your process

Otis: I did meet with the other woman in the hotel room, and I was ready to rumble. But her phone kept ringing. She was ignoring the calls and it wouldn’t stop ringing, so I told her to answer it. That was when I realized she was married. It was her husband on the call. Yes, I did not know she was married. How we met and how our conversations built up to this moment is a story for another day; but I figured out she was cheating back because her husband had cheated on her. Listening to her argue with her husband on the call was my principal driver of loyalty to my wife. I found myself in a state of appreciation for my wife and all that she’s done for me, our marriage and the children. I never knew I could acknowledge her value that quickly, to the extent that, when the lady was done shouting on her phone, there was a less chance of me wanting to take the risk of hurting my wife by doing something foolish. I wasn’t ready to put my marriage in jeopardy.

DBM: How did you explain your ‘aha’ moment to the lady?

Otis: There was nothing to explain. I just told her I couldn’t. I booked the room for her though – to stay the night, which she said she did.

DBM: How easy or difficult was the sudden switch off?

Otis: It was within my decision-making process. Being sexually attracted to someone, I think is controllable. And from what I experienced; I could choose without a doubt not to act on my urges. Sometimes, family takes precedence

DBM: That’s good to know

Otis: It’s a choice. In fact, I realized that if I had gone ahead with the lady in the hotel room, it would have been a decision made out of my greed to satisfy my selfish needs.

DBM: What if your needs were valid?

Otis: Oh, the urge was valid. I wanted something different but I was awoken to the idea of maybe, creating that different feel with what I already have at home. I love my wife, no doubts about that; I just needed a reason to make a tough decision that was in her best interest for once.

DBM: Are you proud of the outcome?

Otis: I did good, I think. I chose to protect my wife even though she wasn’t a witness to it. I chose to put a smile on her face even though she doesn’t get to know about that. I caused my wife to feel loved and chosen by me. If I will be honest, she chooses me every day; this was my turn to do her the honors and return a favor. This decision also is a huge step to improve upon myself and our marriage, instead of destroying it. My wife’s hope in me couldn’t go down the drain just for a few minutes of pleasure. Loving someone genuinely burdens you to do right by them.

DBM: I concur. Do you know why you were assuming your life could be miserable while with wifey?

Otis: I don’t know why but I know it started as a fantasy. In my mind, I was comparing my present with a future. Future meaning, dating or being married to a different woman.

DBM: Do you still find your wife attractive?

Otis: I do

DBM: And you can imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with her and being content with just her in your heart?

Otis: I think so

DBM: Whenever I find myself in the ‘I think so’ phase, it usually means I’m still beating myself up because my tolerance for the unknown and unpredictability is still on the low.

Otis: I don’t know

DBM: Otis

Otis: Yeah?

DBM: It’s okay not to be sure. It’s okay to sometimes also worry. I believe it’s okay to even feel bad about yourself sometimes. You don’t have to be strong all the time. I am proud of you for the decision you took in the hotel room. You’re a good man.

Otis: Hopefully, I wouldn’t fall apart at the long run

DBM: But even if you do, you have every right to. It enables you to find yourself all over again. So, it’s not always that bad. Give yourself some credit

Otis: I agree, I’m a good guy.

DBM: Why do you love your wife?

Otis: She accepts me even when I don’t know exactly what to do with her attention. She’s caring towards me when I am indifferent about my emotions. She encourages me to learn what it takes to be good to myself with her love for me. I don’t know why I love her but I know I do.

DBM: That’s good enough a response. Participant 123, Vance, left a question for you: ‘What is the one truth about you today that would probably make your 10-year-old self be disappointed in you?’

Otis: I was by my father’s side at the hospital when he died. My mum had gone home to prepare his favorite meal because he had specifically requested for rice and palmnut soup. Before the doctor confirmed his death, he got a notification on his phone. I was holding his phone when it beeped. It was from one of his close friends, a family friend I would say. His wife and my mum are very close friends too. It was a love message. It caught me unawares, and so I unlocked the phone to read the full message. My dad had been pronounced dead minutes later, and I was supposed to be crying or something but I couldn’t stop myself from reading their conversations dating back to the messages he hadn’t deleted yet. They also exchanged a lot of gay porn and from their conversations, planned on which positions to try when they were together. I went through his google search history and realized he wasn’t the man I thought he was. My dad was married to my mother for 40 years. I couldn’t tell for how long he and the man had been together, but they were very close friends when I was a kid. I haven’t told anyone in my family, and I don’t intend to. As for my mother, I don’t want to break her heart. My 10-year-old self would tell my mother everything.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Otis: Okay! Do you see the future being better than the present? Why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Mizuno K

Let’s Talk To Chiamaka

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 121: Chiamaka

DBM: Hi Chiamaka. How would you describe yourself?

Chiamaka: A wife, mother, solid with math skills, business oriented and a problem solver

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Chiamaka: 8 or 9. Any of them goes

DBM: Did you get to read your husband’s conversation with me?

Chiamaka: I did

DBM: What’s your take on it?

Chiamaka: What he failed to mention was the fact that, I came into his life with my own baggage. I was four months pregnant with my ex-boyfriend’s baby. My car had broken down by the roadside on my way to work, and he apparently had seen me stranded while driving to work. I did not even know all this because he did not stop to talk or check on my situation. 20 minutes or so later, a mechanic and his team came to my rescue, and to my surprise, Uzo had arranged for them to sort me out. He had also paid for their services in advance. I took his number from the mechanic to express my appreciation. Our first conversation wasn’t supposed to be lovey-dovey; I wasn’t ready for a relationship, because I had decided to stop trying so hard for a man. My decision was to relax, focus on the pregnancy and be myself. I was thinking if Uzoma truly was interested in knowing me, he was going to have to accept me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. He turned out to have the ability to bring friendship and love into my life; cared for me and my unborn child with kindness and compassion. Your chat with my husband is everything he’s been to me. The man I’m married to sees beyond my flaws and adores me beyond all measure. He’s loved me the exact way he promised he would, and I am such a happy woman because of the way Uzoma encourages me to explore all sides of me.

DBM: So, according to Uzoma, one of your Aunties advised you not to expect too much from him, if you did not want to be disappointed someday. What are your expectations of him?

Chiamaka: I have none set for him. The truth is, I cannot control the way a man thinks, or feels. I have no control over his reactions. How he chooses to act is purely up to him. What I know is, I’ve been creating my own happiness since we met. If there are any expectations to be set, I set them for myself because I have the ability to control my own behavior.

DBM: What is the one favorite memory of you and your husband that you love the most?

Chiamaka: We have a twice a week habit of taking a shower together. It’s something we both are into and look forward to every week. It’s been providing us with a bonding space to feel more comfortable around each other. I believe this has hugely contributed to him being himself around me.

DBM: When did you realize that you love him?

Chiamaka: When I had to squeeze his hand at the hospital during contractions. Uzo wasn’t freaked out during the delivery of my first child. It clearly was exhausting for him to watch me push out the baby, but he stood by my side though he wasn’t his biological child. He was the one who cut the cord, held and kissed him first before handing my baby over to me. I fell in love with his gesture right there, I asked him to name the child.

DBM: Where was your baby’s father?

Chiamaka: He was on his honeymoon. He had gotten married that same Saturday

DBM: Is he part of your child’s life?

Chiamaka: He’s welcome to be if he wants to

DBM: Meaning?

Chiamaka: Uzoma is helping me raise our son, and because of that, has gained an unfathomable, richer relationship with me. Our son only knows one father, my husband.

DBM: But does your ex know about the child?

Chiamaka: He does

DBM: Can I pry further?

Chiamaka: It depends on the next question

DBM: Your ex, was he dating his wife when you two got together?

Chiamaka: No! We were together for three years and he cheated on me with her. They got divorced in 2016. He’s married to his second wife now, I believe

DBM: Alice Addy on Facebook wants to know how your husband was brough up. Was his father helping his mother with house chores, etc. when growing up?

Chiamaka: He was raised practically by a single parent, though his mother and father were married. From what he’s told me, his dad was only in his life to pay school fees. He worked a lot and was mostly not home, leaving his mother to manage the household. Uzo has four other siblings by his parents and two half-brothers from a different woman. His dad is married to another woman

DBM: Is his mother still alive?

Chiamaka: She is, happily divorced

DBM: Why do you think your husband is so much involved when it comes to household chores?

Chiamaka: I married a considerate man. He cares about me and my overall wellbeing. He’s also very kind, compassionate and thoughtful, and often wants me to breathe. He does not waver to do whatever needs to be done to keep the home tidy. His contribution to running our household has nothing to do with ‘helping me out.’ He just finds delight in taking on his fair share of the duties and responsibilities. He’s of the view that, he lives in the same house with me, and so why not do his part to support upkeep? He’s involved with the children because they are his children too, and it’s his job to be present to them as their father.

DBM: Kwaku Acheampong on Facebook wants to know how you manage a quarrel with your husband.

Chiamaka: Because there was a child in our midst by the time we married, we were mindful of conflicts between us. We schedule a time to work out our disagreements without any swearing, yelling over each other or fighting. This wasn’t a habit we wanted to encourage in our home. If we’re to quarrel or have a misunderstanding, he either would speak first or I’d do about the issue at hand in a respectful tone. We decided 11 years ago not to yell at each other. We’re not into name-calling or insults. Uzo knows how much I love him. I know the depth of his love for me. We cherish our relationship and have no plans messing it up. Afterall, we loved each other before learning how to fight each other.

DBM: Is love enough an ingredient to sustain a relationship/marriage?

Chiamaka: From my 11 years’ experience with Uzoma, it’s been the trust in our commitment to each other to make the best of decisions, and also to uphold high standards and values. Our teamwork and the hope that we’ve both got each other’s back for real – is also maintaining our interest in the relationship. We have utmost respect for one another and greatly admire what the other does professionally and personally. My husband gets to be himself in order to live his best life; I get to do same to stay connected and happy. The last ingredient to the best of my knowledge is how much we like each other. Uzo is a man I love with all of my heart, but I LIKE him more. My husband likes me to the extent that, he’s always in a hurry to close from work to spend time with me and our children. He likes the man he becomes when hangs out with me at home. He brings the best in me too when I’m with him. Is love enough? Love becomes the outgrowth of the trust we have in each other, our respect for one another and the extent at which we genuinely like each other’s matter.

DBM: This is healthy information. Thank you!

Chiamaka: You’re welcome. We’re done, I guess?

DBM: I have one last question, please?

Chiamaka: Listening…

DBM: Sex. Your husband wouldn’t stop talking about how much he loves having sex with you. How important is sex?

Chiamaka: As a believer, marriage reflects the kind of relationship God wants to have with mankind. The Bible makes references to God being our husband and the entire human race being His bride. The Bible talks about His pursuit, passion and desire to have intimacy with us (His bride); to be close and connected to us, etc. That is the same sexual drive Uzoma has for me. I believe it was put in him by God to want and need me so much that until he’s cum inside of me, he’s not satisfied that he’s bonded enough that day with his wife. I don’t resent him for that, I don’t judge or assume of him to be objectifying my body. I don’t deny my husband what gives him fulfilment and joy and peace. Invalidating Uzo’s desire for lovemaking only would hurt our relationship, because I know the man I’m married to; sex is a big deal for him and he loves to have sex with me. That is why he’s ensured for the past decade our housework becomes a shared project. He assists in cleaning the house and putting the home in order. That’s his gesture of love for me, and it blesses me personally. At the end of a long day, I am able to breathe, build up my strength so he can take me in his arms and carry me to bed. Uzo loves being inside of, and going down on me. I can’t take that away from him. Seeing him excited turns me on.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Let’s Talk To Rema

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 118: Rema please

DBM: Hello Rema. How would you describe yourself?

Rema: I used to be a very lively, focused and very happy but not anymore

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rema: Four David

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rema: My daughter and my marriage

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Rema: She will be 10 this year

DBM: And, how long have you been married?

Rema: Almost five years

DBM: What’s going on with your daughter?

Rema: David, I had my daughter at an early age. She is very brilliant and very beautiful. She is the kind of child every parent is proud to have. Unfortunately, I have failed her.

DBM: Parenting can be hard

Rema: When I was dating, my husband and his family got to know I had a child. I was invited to bring her over. She was welcomed with open arms or so I thought

DBM: Okay?

Rema: I was told she couldn’t move in with me. My husband lives with his parents. I had to leave my daughter with her dad because my mum is a busy person. I thought if she couldn’t stay with me, at least, she could spend her vacations with me. But that also turned out to be something that was kicked against by my in-laws. I can count the number of times I have seen her these years David. She is in a different region and far away from me. She calls me every time, asking me to come for her. She sends me messages asking why I chose her brother over her and have abandoned her.

DBM: If your actions and decisions are causing emotional damage to your daughter, then you’re not doing something right

Rema: Yes David. I know as a parent I have failed her and keep failing her daily. She apologizes for wrongs she thought she might have committed, thus, me choosing to leave her with her dad.

DBM: Your daughter’s father, how is his character like?

Rema: He is very promiscuous. And it’s gotten so bad that he allows our daughter to stay with his girlfriends’ sometimes

DBM: Why did you choose a man over your own daughter?

Rema: My husband adores her; it’s just his parents. I know it doesn’t make sense but if I were to leave this marriage, my son would be taken away from me. He’s too young, and knowing them, I may not be allowed to be a part of his life. I feel I will put him through exactly how my daughter feels right now. But then again, my husband isn’t ready to move out of his parents’. He keeps telling me to be patient, and that everything will work out eventually. Not that he can’t afford it but his parents threatened him.

DBM: Don’t get me wrong with this; I understand how you equally want to be happy and feel loved and all that, I do get it. But choosing to become a mother was a duty you decided to take on, with the understanding of it altering your life forever, no?

Rema: Yes, it did change my life from the very beginning. I gave birth to my daughter three weeks after WACCE. I couldn’t get the grades an ‘A’ student was supposed to. Nonetheless, I work in the health sector now.

DBM: Why is your husband staying with his parents?

Rema: Because they want him there. His dad said he hasn’t given him the permission to leave yet, because they need someone to be serving them like his wife served his mother. Because they didn’t raise him to this level for him to choose me over them; and that if he should leave without their permission, they won’t talk to him ever again, not even in death.

DBM: How old is your husband?

Rema: 37

DBM: How old are you?

Rema: 31

DBM: Did you know about his family’s dynamics prior to settling down with him?

Rema: No, not at all. I wouldn’t have. They appeared as the nicest people ever. They made me feel loved. His dad could call me as late as 10 pm, just to convince me to allow them go see my people. His mum would tell me how I was an answered prayer to her. But it was all a big lie. They wanted a slave in their mansion; someone they could abuse without you saying a word. The emotional and verbal abuse from his parents is too much for me now. He feels I shouldn’t pay attention to their utterances because its old age

DBM: So, your husband chose his parents over building a future with you. Your daughter is somewhere crying because she’s been choosing you to choose her, yet you do not see the need to be extra picky, ensuring that you never put a man before your child?

Rema: Yes David, that’s the truth I’m refusing to accept. I don’t know why

DBM: Are you done serving your own busy mother?

Rema: No, on the contrary. I didn’t serve my mother. My mum had maids growing up and still does. I was served when I was with my mother.

DBM: I see. What are you going to do?

Rema: I honestly don’t know! I cry myself to sleep almost every night but I’m confused. I know that I have to step up because things cannot remain as they are but then again, will I be happy if I leave my son behind? Won’t it be choosing one over the other? Will my son not also blame me for abandoning him when he grows a little?

DBM: Again, YOU are their mother. So, what makes you think you have to leave your children behind?

Rema: My in-laws have constantly reminded me that I won’t leave with their grandchild. Because they have the power and influence to make that happen. Also, traditionally, the child belongs to the man where we come from. If I threaten my husband that I’m leaving, he will tell me to leave his son behind.

DBM: This is a man you believe is in love with you, and wants to make you happy?

Rema: I thought so, but I’m beginning to doubt his love for me

DBM: How much time do you want to spend away from your daughter?

Rema: Not anymore David! My life is a mess now; my daughter’s words and tears keep hunting me

DBM: Do you think you made that decision to let go of your daughter out of fear, or for the sole purpose of attaining a deeply fulfilling relationship with your husband and his family?

Rema: The latter David. I believed my husband’s promises of a better tomorrow, my daughter inclusive. I had the assurance he was going to do something about it, and how he dearly loved her and would want the best for her as much as I did.

DBM: Is there room enough at their home to house your daughter?

Rema: Yes, four extra rooms are fully furnished

DBM: Most parents often would try interjecting themselves in the lives of their children for reasons best known to them. Is your husband financially independent and mature enough to function without his parents’ influence in his decision making?

Rema: Yes, financially but maturely, I doubt it. His entire life has been centered around them

DBM: Is there an established zone of privacy in your marital home?

Rema: No, not at all. I’m constantly reminded the home is theirs. I can’t even lock my bedroom door 😄

DBM: Oh wow! And in what instances do you feel the most loved by your husband?

Rema: I can’t say; I can’t even remember if there’s any. Yes, I realized I wasn’t my husband’s first choice for marriage, after giving birth to our son. The hurt from that alone is something I can’t describe. Deep down, I know I shouldn’t have pushed through with this marriage. If I was firm from the beginning with what I wanted, things wouldn’t have gone this far. I would have been a lot happier with my children without marriage.

DBM: Anytime I had denied a desire close to my heart, just to serve another purpose in my life – it only led to hurt. Do you have any regrets?

Rema: My biggest regret however is abandoning my child that I sacrificed so much for, just to stay married.

DBM: What priorities in your life right now are of importance to you?

Rema: My kids please. I don’t want to fail the both of them.

DBM: I see you to be a conscious woman and mother. I don’t think of you to be selfish because you are human with needs and desires. Choosing to start a family with your husband wasn’t a selfish act; you did owe it to yourself to want and pursue what you wanted. A woman who is happy with her love life can equally be happy being a mum

Rema: Thanks for your kind words. I could have done better, if I didn’t allow the fear of starting over creep in. I overlooked so many things just to be married. Those very things are my worst nightmares now. Moreover, I should have found myself before the commitment of marriage.

DBM: I am a little concerned only about the fact that, both your husband and his family knew that you were a single mother. Meaning, there was already a sense of responsibility on your part to your daughter. Why they thought it wise to suggest to you to let her go somewhere else is what is troubling me. Did they truly accept you for you?

Rema: I doubt they accepted me fully. The only conclusion I can come up with is the fact that, I was accepted because we are from the same tribe. Like I mentioned previously, their son wanted to marry someone from a different tribe but they rejected her. (I only found out after I married him). Because nothing makes sense to me. My daughter is not even allowed to spend her vacations with me.

DBM: I guess my last question would be, is your marriage worth all the sacrifices you’ve made?

Rema: A big NO. Funny to say this, but I think he doesn’t love me. Maybe he did before but not anymore

Image Credit: any Lane

Let’s Talk to Judah and Andrea

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 111a: Judah

Participant 111b: Andrea please

DBM: Hi Andrea and Judah. How would you describe yourselves?

Andrea: I’m an open and honest person who doesn’t believe in misleading other people. I try to be fair in everything I do

Judah: Unhappy, suicidal but a clergy also

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Judah: 1

Andrea: 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Judah: Can I go first?

DBM: Please do

Judah: This is an issue of infidelity. I have been unfaithful, a cheat and dishonest in my dealings and marriage with my wife.

DBM: Does your wife know about this?

Judah: Yes, she found out about it few weeks ago

DBM: Mrs., how did you find him out?

Andrea: I asked, and he denied. And so, I told him to hand his phone to me and he denied. I decided to get rid of our car papers before he agreed and gave the phone to me.

DBM: What made you cheat on your wife?

Judah: There are a lot of factors that could lead to cheating. Physically and spiritually. Well, let me start with the physical aspect. It all started somewhere in November when we lost our first pregnancy. But before that, there were a few people who didn’t really care about whether I’m married or not. Being someone from a very strong Christian background and ethics, I was genuinely afraid of mingling with such people. So, because of who I am in society (a Man of God) I get a lot of people who reach out to me for various reasons. Some are genuine while others are not.

Some begun to flirt with me and I became comfortable with it. But as time went on, I became scared. Until the November, when we lost our pregnancy. I really became stressed out and I couldn’t share it with anyone. In fact, it’s all my fault because I allowed it to happen. It was relaxing because whenever I got home to see my wife crying and stressed about the loss of our baby, it stressed me out. Most of my messages were more of flirting than meet ups, because I didn’t really have time. Until I met a lady in my mum’s area whom I got involved. It broke the seal. Spiritually, I’ve been a man of God for a good number of years. I’m not blaming anyone but, in my position, there are many attempts and attacks that I face. If they can’t get you, they will get anyone you love. I’m not blaming anyone or anything but this is where I find myself. No matter how I explain, it won’t make sense to her because she’s extremely angry. I choose to cry within and be sorry for myself.

Andrea: I’m very sure you didn’t start cheating just when we got married, because I read your chat with the lady you said is at your mum’s area. You started way back in 2021, if I am right; so why would you use the first miscarriage as an excuse? Be honest and blunt with me here please!

DBM: It’s good you’ve taken responsibility of your actions

Andrea: He hasn’t taken responsibility because he’s still not transparent with me, even after finding out he’s cheating

Judah: What do you want to see before? Because you have access to my phone. Which is the root of all the problems

Andrea: I told you I don’t want to do that to myself because I’d be the one to die earlier, so I won’t check your phone ever again. Didn’t I say I regret going to your phone that night? I’m really keeping my cool because I didn’t want to let you know I read the chats you had with the lady. And the thing is that, you didn’t have an affair with just her; so, come clean here now.

Judah: Please don’t keep your cool at all. I want you to say it all

Andrea: Don’t worry, I will. I don’t want to be an anxious person. After all, if I do that what will be left of me?

Judah: I’m saying this here again. That most of my texts are explicitly flirty. To the extent that, when you read, you’ll feel we meet everyday

Andrea: I’ll show you evidence now because you’re still not coming clean. Most of the ladies you sent flirt texts, money, data bundle and calls to, you had sex with them.

Judah: Please go ahead and show. That’s why we are here

She attaches screenshots from his interactions with other women

DBM: As a man of GOD, based on what your wife has said, it seems like the trust she has in and for you has faded.

Judah: The position I’m in now, everything I say will be a lie. You’re not a thief until you’re caught. So, I accept every charge on me. Explaining over and over again won’t really change the fact that I’ve cheated on my wife

Andrea: Even with the lady who told you that she works as a prostitute, you went ahead to have sex with her. And were lying to her that you didn’t have a girlfriend, even though we had been in a relationship close to five years by then.

DBM: Pastor, what do you think you can do differently to change that?

Judah: I have deleted over 200 contacts, both male and female. She has access to my phone now. I pray with her before we leave the house (something I wasn’t doing before)

Andrea: This prostitute really wanted you to prove that you didn’t have a girlfriend, and you told huge lies that you get sex from your ex, who’s also in a relationship. Even with that information, she wanted to fuck you, and you also wanted to do it.

Judah: I know I’ve been dirty, and I accept every charge

Andrea: I don’t have access to your phone, because you even get angry and aggressive to the point that you hit me

Judah: When did I get aggressive? Have you asked and not gotten?

Andrea: Just this morning, you were aggressive with me.

Judah: You know how it feels when you’re accused of something you didn’t do? That was painful.

Andrea: You held me tight and wanted to hit me. But because I dared you to try and get arrested, you stopped! So, you better come clean. I want you to know that you’re a liar! You didn’t just have sex with only Carolina; that’s what I want to hear

Judah: I have begged you. My mother and brothers all cried and begged you not to leave me, yet you’re still harboring this. Well, like I said. I’m contemplating suicide and when it happens, all will be over. After all, I own nothing to my name.

Andrea: We are both in pain because you refuse to let us talk about the circumstances that led to that act, yet you get aggressive anytime. Claiming it’s a spiritual attack instead of accepting your actions.

Judah: Where did I say I haven’t accepted my charges?

DBM: May I know how long you both have been married?

Judah: One and a half years now

Andrea: Just a year.

Judah: In as much as I want this solved, I don’t want it to affect my ministry and what I’ve built for a decade

Andrea: The chats I’ve seen means that you didn’t start this cheating habit after we got married. I am actually mad that you didn’t think about your marriage, and just went ahead to do whatever

DBM: Were you really ready for marriage or you settled because that is what you were taught, considering you grew up in the church?

Judah: I was ready for it. I knew very well

Andrea: I’m not sure you were ready, because the fact that I get suspicious and ask you continuously that, ‘are you doing anything outside of our marriage’, and you rapidly get angry at me, and even hit me sometimes; that I should never think like that of you. Not knowing you’re not that of a saint. That is what really hurts me. It’s not like I didn’t get suspicious continually. But you decided to rather deny and get angry on top of it. I really kept believing you because I didn’t want doubt to set into our relationship and marriage. I tried not to ever go through your phone and you know very well that I don’t do that, unlike you. How would you feel if I did the same thing to you? Would you be ready for the trauma associated with this level of betrayal?

Judah: If that’s the only way you’ll forgive me, and keep me as your husband, then please go ahead. Because I love you and I want to save our marriage. Dave, I’m preparing for church now but I’ll be following please. Give me a few minutes

DBM: Mrs., what’s the first thing you noticed about your husband when you first met?

Andrea: His love towards the Ministry

DBM: And prior to his affairs, what was your favorite thing about your relationship with him?

Andrea: His honesty

DBM: Pastor, what’s the first thing you noticed about your wife when you first met?

Judah: Her sense of hard work and dedication

Andrea: I actually had a problem when we started our marriage counseling, and so I voiced it out to the counselors. They told my husband to not give in to that, but he never took their advice. He was always on his phone even after initiating that we go outdoors and spend some time. He will be on his phone until we leave the place, and he continues when he’s driving. I’ve been complaining but he doesn’t care. That’s why I told our marriage counselors.

DBM: Hmmm!

Andrea: He doesn’t want me to talk about the pain he caused me and this marriage. He prefers that we act like everything is okay, but I’m not really well with it. I even had to say out of anger that this infidelity could be the reason why I lost two pregnancies. Because I was really hurt. I didn’t want to tell his mother that this is what his son had done, and so I forced my husband that I’ll tell our counselors. He said they are not that confidential, so he’ll get a mutual person, and I just okayed.

He called his mum that midnight when I found out he was cheating, through the messages on his phone, that she should come to our place now because I’ve decided to leave my marriage. He told his mother parts of the story.

DBM: I see. Do you believe your husband loves you?

Andrea: No! After I found out what he did, it made me question myself severally, because I can boldly say there’s nothing tangible that he has provided since he met me till date. I do things like I’m the man of the house, without any complain; all because I loved what I was doing. Now, he’s made me realize I was a fool for a long period. He’d rather give money out to other ladies, but his own wife, even if I ask, he’ll tell me he doesn’t have enough money.

DBM: Have you gotten yourself tested for any STI’s after finding out about his affairs?

Andrea: I told him the first thing we should do was to get ourselves tested. I was also scared of the unknown. He agreed to getting tested but hasn’t even mentioned or said that we should go and do it. He actually had an itching in his manhood and I was also infected; that’s how come I wanted to go through his phone and get answers, since he wasn’t willing to do so.

DBM: I would suggest you get yourself tested, just to be on the safe side

Andrea: It involves money and at the moment, I’m not working due to how I lost both pregnancies. I just started a business this week. We will get tested on Monday. The truth is, my husband doesn’t have any money.

DBM: I see

Andrea: I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind, that it could be probable that he didn’t love me from the beginning. Maybe, it was just for the benefits he was getting from me. But I rethink again and I remember, while we were dating, he didn’t want me to talk to any other guy, so he always went through my phone and even blocked some of my male contacts. At a point, I got angry because my elder sister told him not to be doing that. I had to stop him because I wasn’t doing that to him.

DBM: I have a lot of questions to ask him when he comes back online

Andrea: Okay, but he will be back after church around 12am or so I think

DBM: We can use as many days to chat. Most of the conversations I publish on my website takes from two to five days. We can continue whenever

Judah: I’m here David. Let’s continue if you have the time

DBM: Since you’re a pastor, I’d want to understand your moral compass. How did you feel after the affairs? Was there any guilt at all?

Judah: I was guilty anytime I saw her, and felt like opening up. But I believe everything that has a beginning, has an end. If I had opened up, it wouldn’t have gotten to this level.

DBM: Are you on the same wavelength as your wife about monogamy in your relationship/marriage?

Judah: Yes, I am

DBM: From all that your wife said about you yesterday, I could deduce there is a high probability that the information she managed to gather about you cheating isn’t the first time you have done this. Do you consider yourself a serial cheater?

Judah: David, I am guilty of cheating. I say this and I’ll say it again, most of them were mere flirty messages

DBM: Do you think you have the ability to change from this behavior?

Judah: It’s been two weeks after being caught, and I tell you the truth, my conscience is so clear. I’ve never been free like this before. No level of guilt

DBM: At the moment, your wife doesn’t seem to trust you. What are you going to do about that?

Judah: I’m in for anything she wants to do. Because the level of disrespect is too much. I wouldn’t want to stress over this one again.

DBM: Do you understand what could be going through your wife’s mind after finding you out?

Judah: I totally understand sir. I know because I’ve been in that state before

DBM: Explain

Judah: I mean in my lifetime, I’ve been hurt many times, looking at where my life comes from as a man of God

DBM: Is saving your marriage a priority to, or for you?

Judah: There’s nothing as important as saving my marriage. I’ve told her many times, that we should get it over and done with and move on. I have

DBM: Teach me how you expect your wife to quickly move on from this, as you seem to have easily done?

Judah: I have developed a very thick skin over the years. My family background speaks a lot of volumes. I’ve seen my mum becoming a single parent when my dad left her. So, I’ve learnt to quickly let things go and never mention it to anyone. I will definitely remember, but I ask myself if it’s worth it. No matter how deeply I hurt, by the next day I’m over it. It’s not that I don’t remember; I just don’t dwell on the past

DBM: I’m glad your approach works for you. But do you think you wife equally deserves her own way of figuring all this mess out?

Judah: Yes, David

DBM: Do you respect your wife?

Judah: Most definitely

DBM: Do you love her?

Judah: Yes

DBM: Are you in love with your wife?

Judah: I really am

DBM: Was she a means to an end? As in, whatever it was about her that influenced your decision to date and marry her?

Judah: I literally built my world around her. I couldn’t do anything without her. I literally gave up on a lot of things because of her. We dated for four years and married on the 5th, because I said to myself, I can’t keep someone’s daughter like that. I know her and there’s nothing else to know anymore. So, I woke up one morning and made a call to my parents that I want to marry her.

DBM: This would be my last question: you have the word to say anything on your mind or heart to your wife’s hearing.

Judah: I’ve said everything I need to say. I totally regret my actions. But I give her all the right to do whatever she wants to do to me. She says she wants to do what I did to her, so that she’ll feel equal. If it will make her happy, then she should do it. If that’s what I’ll get, then no problem. But for me, whatever I did, I’ve gotten over it and I’m not willing to ever mention it again because it’s not something I want to revisit.

Image Credit: Keira Burton

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