Tag: Marriage

Let’s Talk To Otis

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 124: Otis

DBM: Hello Otis. How would you describe yourself?

Otis: I stay true to myself majority of the time. I like challenges and I don’t always take the easiest routes out of a situation.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Otis: Eight

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Otis: As at March 14th 2023, I was of the opinion that I was burdened by a conflicting issue. My wife is the perfect homemaker and we have a great friendship and relationship. She is her happiest when around me; she’s affectionate and caring, but I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t hyping my energy to her level. We’re in our 8th year of marriage and if I am to cast my mind back to the statistics within my circle of friends, the likelihoods of me and my wife ending up in a lifelong marriage could fundamentally be based on a coin toss. Dave, I’m going to be honest, my heart wasn’t in it last year and was indifferent about the way forward. Divorce or separation did cross my mind but I felt guilty at the thought of it because my wife really has been good to me. I know my life is better because I’m a part of hers, but I was in a state where I though my true feelings would be miserable if I continued staying married. The crazy thing is, my wife sensed my unhappiness and has been showing up for us to talk about what is going on with me. I just have not been able to truthfully open up to her about my feelings. What I want to talk about is how I had the perfect opportunity to meet a need in me with another woman but chose not to.

DBM: Why?

Otis: I realized abruptly that there is nothing wrong with my wife, and that I would have cheated regardless of who I was in a relationship with. I am the one with issues to deal with, not my wife.

DBM: That’s a first. Walk me through your process

Otis: I did meet with the other woman in the hotel room, and I was ready to rumble. But her phone kept ringing. She was ignoring the calls and it wouldn’t stop ringing, so I told her to answer it. That was when I realized she was married. It was her husband on the call. Yes, I did not know she was married. How we met and how our conversations built up to this moment is a story for another day; but I figured out she was cheating back because her husband had cheated on her. Listening to her argue with her husband on the call was my principal driver of loyalty to my wife. I found myself in a state of appreciation for my wife and all that she’s done for me, our marriage and the children. I never knew I could acknowledge her value that quickly, to the extent that, when the lady was done shouting on her phone, there was a less chance of me wanting to take the risk of hurting my wife by doing something foolish. I wasn’t ready to put my marriage in jeopardy.

DBM: How did you explain your ‘aha’ moment to the lady?

Otis: There was nothing to explain. I just told her I couldn’t. I booked the room for her though – to stay the night, which she said she did.

DBM: How easy or difficult was the sudden switch off?

Otis: It was within my decision-making process. Being sexually attracted to someone, I think is controllable. And from what I experienced; I could choose without a doubt not to act on my urges. Sometimes, family takes precedence

DBM: That’s good to know

Otis: It’s a choice. In fact, I realized that if I had gone ahead with the lady in the hotel room, it would have been a decision made out of my greed to satisfy my selfish needs.

DBM: What if your needs were valid?

Otis: Oh, the urge was valid. I wanted something different but I was awoken to the idea of maybe, creating that different feel with what I already have at home. I love my wife, no doubts about that; I just needed a reason to make a tough decision that was in her best interest for once.

DBM: Are you proud of the outcome?

Otis: I did good, I think. I chose to protect my wife even though she wasn’t a witness to it. I chose to put a smile on her face even though she doesn’t get to know about that. I caused my wife to feel loved and chosen by me. If I will be honest, she chooses me every day; this was my turn to do her the honors and return a favor. This decision also is a huge step to improve upon myself and our marriage, instead of destroying it. My wife’s hope in me couldn’t go down the drain just for a few minutes of pleasure. Loving someone genuinely burdens you to do right by them.

DBM: I concur. Do you know why you were assuming your life could be miserable while with wifey?

Otis: I don’t know why but I know it started as a fantasy. In my mind, I was comparing my present with a future. Future meaning, dating or being married to a different woman.

DBM: Do you still find your wife attractive?

Otis: I do

DBM: And you can imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with her and being content with just her in your heart?

Otis: I think so

DBM: Whenever I find myself in the ‘I think so’ phase, it usually means I’m still beating myself up because my tolerance for the unknown and unpredictability is still on the low.

Otis: I don’t know

DBM: Otis

Otis: Yeah?

DBM: It’s okay not to be sure. It’s okay to sometimes also worry. I believe it’s okay to even feel bad about yourself sometimes. You don’t have to be strong all the time. I am proud of you for the decision you took in the hotel room. You’re a good man.

Otis: Hopefully, I wouldn’t fall apart at the long run

DBM: But even if you do, you have every right to. It enables you to find yourself all over again. So, it’s not always that bad. Give yourself some credit

Otis: I agree, I’m a good guy.

DBM: Why do you love your wife?

Otis: She accepts me even when I don’t know exactly what to do with her attention. She’s caring towards me when I am indifferent about my emotions. She encourages me to learn what it takes to be good to myself with her love for me. I don’t know why I love her but I know I do.

DBM: That’s good enough a response. Participant 123, Vance, left a question for you: ‘What is the one truth about you today that would probably make your 10-year-old self be disappointed in you?’

Otis: I was by my father’s side at the hospital when he died. My mum had gone home to prepare his favorite meal because he had specifically requested for rice and palmnut soup. Before the doctor confirmed his death, he got a notification on his phone. I was holding his phone when it beeped. It was from one of his close friends, a family friend I would say. His wife and my mum are very close friends too. It was a love message. It caught me unawares, and so I unlocked the phone to read the full message. My dad had been pronounced dead minutes later, and I was supposed to be crying or something but I couldn’t stop myself from reading their conversations dating back to the messages he hadn’t deleted yet. They also exchanged a lot of gay porn and from their conversations, planned on which positions to try when they were together. I went through his google search history and realized he wasn’t the man I thought he was. My dad was married to my mother for 40 years. I couldn’t tell for how long he and the man had been together, but they were very close friends when I was a kid. I haven’t told anyone in my family, and I don’t intend to. As for my mother, I don’t want to break her heart. My 10-year-old self would tell my mother everything.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Otis: Okay! Do you see the future being better than the present? Why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Mizuno K

Let’s Talk To Chiamaka

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 121: Chiamaka

DBM: Hi Chiamaka. How would you describe yourself?

Chiamaka: A wife, mother, solid with math skills, business oriented and a problem solver

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Chiamaka: 8 or 9. Any of them goes

DBM: Did you get to read your husband’s conversation with me?

Chiamaka: I did

DBM: What’s your take on it?

Chiamaka: What he failed to mention was the fact that, I came into his life with my own baggage. I was four months pregnant with my ex-boyfriend’s baby. My car had broken down by the roadside on my way to work, and he apparently had seen me stranded while driving to work. I did not even know all this because he did not stop to talk or check on my situation. 20 minutes or so later, a mechanic and his team came to my rescue, and to my surprise, Uzo had arranged for them to sort me out. He had also paid for their services in advance. I took his number from the mechanic to express my appreciation. Our first conversation wasn’t supposed to be lovey-dovey; I wasn’t ready for a relationship, because I had decided to stop trying so hard for a man. My decision was to relax, focus on the pregnancy and be myself. I was thinking if Uzoma truly was interested in knowing me, he was going to have to accept me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. He turned out to have the ability to bring friendship and love into my life; cared for me and my unborn child with kindness and compassion. Your chat with my husband is everything he’s been to me. The man I’m married to sees beyond my flaws and adores me beyond all measure. He’s loved me the exact way he promised he would, and I am such a happy woman because of the way Uzoma encourages me to explore all sides of me.

DBM: So, according to Uzoma, one of your Aunties advised you not to expect too much from him, if you did not want to be disappointed someday. What are your expectations of him?

Chiamaka: I have none set for him. The truth is, I cannot control the way a man thinks, or feels. I have no control over his reactions. How he chooses to act is purely up to him. What I know is, I’ve been creating my own happiness since we met. If there are any expectations to be set, I set them for myself because I have the ability to control my own behavior.

DBM: What is the one favorite memory of you and your husband that you love the most?

Chiamaka: We have a twice a week habit of taking a shower together. It’s something we both are into and look forward to every week. It’s been providing us with a bonding space to feel more comfortable around each other. I believe this has hugely contributed to him being himself around me.

DBM: When did you realize that you love him?

Chiamaka: When I had to squeeze his hand at the hospital during contractions. Uzo wasn’t freaked out during the delivery of my first child. It clearly was exhausting for him to watch me push out the baby, but he stood by my side though he wasn’t his biological child. He was the one who cut the cord, held and kissed him first before handing my baby over to me. I fell in love with his gesture right there, I asked him to name the child.

DBM: Where was your baby’s father?

Chiamaka: He was on his honeymoon. He had gotten married that same Saturday

DBM: Is he part of your child’s life?

Chiamaka: He’s welcome to be if he wants to

DBM: Meaning?

Chiamaka: Uzoma is helping me raise our son, and because of that, has gained an unfathomable, richer relationship with me. Our son only knows one father, my husband.

DBM: But does your ex know about the child?

Chiamaka: He does

DBM: Can I pry further?

Chiamaka: It depends on the next question

DBM: Your ex, was he dating his wife when you two got together?

Chiamaka: No! We were together for three years and he cheated on me with her. They got divorced in 2016. He’s married to his second wife now, I believe

DBM: Alice Addy on Facebook wants to know how your husband was brough up. Was his father helping his mother with house chores, etc. when growing up?

Chiamaka: He was raised practically by a single parent, though his mother and father were married. From what he’s told me, his dad was only in his life to pay school fees. He worked a lot and was mostly not home, leaving his mother to manage the household. Uzo has four other siblings by his parents and two half-brothers from a different woman. His dad is married to another woman

DBM: Is his mother still alive?

Chiamaka: She is, happily divorced

DBM: Why do you think your husband is so much involved when it comes to household chores?

Chiamaka: I married a considerate man. He cares about me and my overall wellbeing. He’s also very kind, compassionate and thoughtful, and often wants me to breathe. He does not waver to do whatever needs to be done to keep the home tidy. His contribution to running our household has nothing to do with ‘helping me out.’ He just finds delight in taking on his fair share of the duties and responsibilities. He’s of the view that, he lives in the same house with me, and so why not do his part to support upkeep? He’s involved with the children because they are his children too, and it’s his job to be present to them as their father.

DBM: Kwaku Acheampong on Facebook wants to know how you manage a quarrel with your husband.

Chiamaka: Because there was a child in our midst by the time we married, we were mindful of conflicts between us. We schedule a time to work out our disagreements without any swearing, yelling over each other or fighting. This wasn’t a habit we wanted to encourage in our home. If we’re to quarrel or have a misunderstanding, he either would speak first or I’d do about the issue at hand in a respectful tone. We decided 11 years ago not to yell at each other. We’re not into name-calling or insults. Uzo knows how much I love him. I know the depth of his love for me. We cherish our relationship and have no plans messing it up. Afterall, we loved each other before learning how to fight each other.

DBM: Is love enough an ingredient to sustain a relationship/marriage?

Chiamaka: From my 11 years’ experience with Uzoma, it’s been the trust in our commitment to each other to make the best of decisions, and also to uphold high standards and values. Our teamwork and the hope that we’ve both got each other’s back for real – is also maintaining our interest in the relationship. We have utmost respect for one another and greatly admire what the other does professionally and personally. My husband gets to be himself in order to live his best life; I get to do same to stay connected and happy. The last ingredient to the best of my knowledge is how much we like each other. Uzo is a man I love with all of my heart, but I LIKE him more. My husband likes me to the extent that, he’s always in a hurry to close from work to spend time with me and our children. He likes the man he becomes when hangs out with me at home. He brings the best in me too when I’m with him. Is love enough? Love becomes the outgrowth of the trust we have in each other, our respect for one another and the extent at which we genuinely like each other’s matter.

DBM: This is healthy information. Thank you!

Chiamaka: You’re welcome. We’re done, I guess?

DBM: I have one last question, please?

Chiamaka: Listening…

DBM: Sex. Your husband wouldn’t stop talking about how much he loves having sex with you. How important is sex?

Chiamaka: As a believer, marriage reflects the kind of relationship God wants to have with mankind. The Bible makes references to God being our husband and the entire human race being His bride. The Bible talks about His pursuit, passion and desire to have intimacy with us (His bride); to be close and connected to us, etc. That is the same sexual drive Uzoma has for me. I believe it was put in him by God to want and need me so much that until he’s cum inside of me, he’s not satisfied that he’s bonded enough that day with his wife. I don’t resent him for that, I don’t judge or assume of him to be objectifying my body. I don’t deny my husband what gives him fulfilment and joy and peace. Invalidating Uzo’s desire for lovemaking only would hurt our relationship, because I know the man I’m married to; sex is a big deal for him and he loves to have sex with me. That is why he’s ensured for the past decade our housework becomes a shared project. He assists in cleaning the house and putting the home in order. That’s his gesture of love for me, and it blesses me personally. At the end of a long day, I am able to breathe, build up my strength so he can take me in his arms and carry me to bed. Uzo loves being inside of, and going down on me. I can’t take that away from him. Seeing him excited turns me on.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Let’s Talk To Rema

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 118: Rema please

DBM: Hello Rema. How would you describe yourself?

Rema: I used to be a very lively, focused and very happy but not anymore

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rema: Four David

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rema: My daughter and my marriage

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Rema: She will be 10 this year

DBM: And, how long have you been married?

Rema: Almost five years

DBM: What’s going on with your daughter?

Rema: David, I had my daughter at an early age. She is very brilliant and very beautiful. She is the kind of child every parent is proud to have. Unfortunately, I have failed her.

DBM: Parenting can be hard

Rema: When I was dating, my husband and his family got to know I had a child. I was invited to bring her over. She was welcomed with open arms or so I thought

DBM: Okay?

Rema: I was told she couldn’t move in with me. My husband lives with his parents. I had to leave my daughter with her dad because my mum is a busy person. I thought if she couldn’t stay with me, at least, she could spend her vacations with me. But that also turned out to be something that was kicked against by my in-laws. I can count the number of times I have seen her these years David. She is in a different region and far away from me. She calls me every time, asking me to come for her. She sends me messages asking why I chose her brother over her and have abandoned her.

DBM: If your actions and decisions are causing emotional damage to your daughter, then you’re not doing something right

Rema: Yes David. I know as a parent I have failed her and keep failing her daily. She apologizes for wrongs she thought she might have committed, thus, me choosing to leave her with her dad.

DBM: Your daughter’s father, how is his character like?

Rema: He is very promiscuous. And it’s gotten so bad that he allows our daughter to stay with his girlfriends’ sometimes

DBM: Why did you choose a man over your own daughter?

Rema: My husband adores her; it’s just his parents. I know it doesn’t make sense but if I were to leave this marriage, my son would be taken away from me. He’s too young, and knowing them, I may not be allowed to be a part of his life. I feel I will put him through exactly how my daughter feels right now. But then again, my husband isn’t ready to move out of his parents’. He keeps telling me to be patient, and that everything will work out eventually. Not that he can’t afford it but his parents threatened him.

DBM: Don’t get me wrong with this; I understand how you equally want to be happy and feel loved and all that, I do get it. But choosing to become a mother was a duty you decided to take on, with the understanding of it altering your life forever, no?

Rema: Yes, it did change my life from the very beginning. I gave birth to my daughter three weeks after WACCE. I couldn’t get the grades an ‘A’ student was supposed to. Nonetheless, I work in the health sector now.

DBM: Why is your husband staying with his parents?

Rema: Because they want him there. His dad said he hasn’t given him the permission to leave yet, because they need someone to be serving them like his wife served his mother. Because they didn’t raise him to this level for him to choose me over them; and that if he should leave without their permission, they won’t talk to him ever again, not even in death.

DBM: How old is your husband?

Rema: 37

DBM: How old are you?

Rema: 31

DBM: Did you know about his family’s dynamics prior to settling down with him?

Rema: No, not at all. I wouldn’t have. They appeared as the nicest people ever. They made me feel loved. His dad could call me as late as 10 pm, just to convince me to allow them go see my people. His mum would tell me how I was an answered prayer to her. But it was all a big lie. They wanted a slave in their mansion; someone they could abuse without you saying a word. The emotional and verbal abuse from his parents is too much for me now. He feels I shouldn’t pay attention to their utterances because its old age

DBM: So, your husband chose his parents over building a future with you. Your daughter is somewhere crying because she’s been choosing you to choose her, yet you do not see the need to be extra picky, ensuring that you never put a man before your child?

Rema: Yes David, that’s the truth I’m refusing to accept. I don’t know why

DBM: Are you done serving your own busy mother?

Rema: No, on the contrary. I didn’t serve my mother. My mum had maids growing up and still does. I was served when I was with my mother.

DBM: I see. What are you going to do?

Rema: I honestly don’t know! I cry myself to sleep almost every night but I’m confused. I know that I have to step up because things cannot remain as they are but then again, will I be happy if I leave my son behind? Won’t it be choosing one over the other? Will my son not also blame me for abandoning him when he grows a little?

DBM: Again, YOU are their mother. So, what makes you think you have to leave your children behind?

Rema: My in-laws have constantly reminded me that I won’t leave with their grandchild. Because they have the power and influence to make that happen. Also, traditionally, the child belongs to the man where we come from. If I threaten my husband that I’m leaving, he will tell me to leave his son behind.

DBM: This is a man you believe is in love with you, and wants to make you happy?

Rema: I thought so, but I’m beginning to doubt his love for me

DBM: How much time do you want to spend away from your daughter?

Rema: Not anymore David! My life is a mess now; my daughter’s words and tears keep hunting me

DBM: Do you think you made that decision to let go of your daughter out of fear, or for the sole purpose of attaining a deeply fulfilling relationship with your husband and his family?

Rema: The latter David. I believed my husband’s promises of a better tomorrow, my daughter inclusive. I had the assurance he was going to do something about it, and how he dearly loved her and would want the best for her as much as I did.

DBM: Is there room enough at their home to house your daughter?

Rema: Yes, four extra rooms are fully furnished

DBM: Most parents often would try interjecting themselves in the lives of their children for reasons best known to them. Is your husband financially independent and mature enough to function without his parents’ influence in his decision making?

Rema: Yes, financially but maturely, I doubt it. His entire life has been centered around them

DBM: Is there an established zone of privacy in your marital home?

Rema: No, not at all. I’m constantly reminded the home is theirs. I can’t even lock my bedroom door 😄

DBM: Oh wow! And in what instances do you feel the most loved by your husband?

Rema: I can’t say; I can’t even remember if there’s any. Yes, I realized I wasn’t my husband’s first choice for marriage, after giving birth to our son. The hurt from that alone is something I can’t describe. Deep down, I know I shouldn’t have pushed through with this marriage. If I was firm from the beginning with what I wanted, things wouldn’t have gone this far. I would have been a lot happier with my children without marriage.

DBM: Anytime I had denied a desire close to my heart, just to serve another purpose in my life – it only led to hurt. Do you have any regrets?

Rema: My biggest regret however is abandoning my child that I sacrificed so much for, just to stay married.

DBM: What priorities in your life right now are of importance to you?

Rema: My kids please. I don’t want to fail the both of them.

DBM: I see you to be a conscious woman and mother. I don’t think of you to be selfish because you are human with needs and desires. Choosing to start a family with your husband wasn’t a selfish act; you did owe it to yourself to want and pursue what you wanted. A woman who is happy with her love life can equally be happy being a mum

Rema: Thanks for your kind words. I could have done better, if I didn’t allow the fear of starting over creep in. I overlooked so many things just to be married. Those very things are my worst nightmares now. Moreover, I should have found myself before the commitment of marriage.

DBM: I am a little concerned only about the fact that, both your husband and his family knew that you were a single mother. Meaning, there was already a sense of responsibility on your part to your daughter. Why they thought it wise to suggest to you to let her go somewhere else is what is troubling me. Did they truly accept you for you?

Rema: I doubt they accepted me fully. The only conclusion I can come up with is the fact that, I was accepted because we are from the same tribe. Like I mentioned previously, their son wanted to marry someone from a different tribe but they rejected her. (I only found out after I married him). Because nothing makes sense to me. My daughter is not even allowed to spend her vacations with me.

DBM: I guess my last question would be, is your marriage worth all the sacrifices you’ve made?

Rema: A big NO. Funny to say this, but I think he doesn’t love me. Maybe he did before but not anymore

Image Credit: any Lane

Let’s Talk to Judah and Andrea

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 111a: Judah

Participant 111b: Andrea please

DBM: Hi Andrea and Judah. How would you describe yourselves?

Andrea: I’m an open and honest person who doesn’t believe in misleading other people. I try to be fair in everything I do

Judah: Unhappy, suicidal but a clergy also

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Judah: 1

Andrea: 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Judah: Can I go first?

DBM: Please do

Judah: This is an issue of infidelity. I have been unfaithful, a cheat and dishonest in my dealings and marriage with my wife.

DBM: Does your wife know about this?

Judah: Yes, she found out about it few weeks ago

DBM: Mrs., how did you find him out?

Andrea: I asked, and he denied. And so, I told him to hand his phone to me and he denied. I decided to get rid of our car papers before he agreed and gave the phone to me.

DBM: What made you cheat on your wife?

Judah: There are a lot of factors that could lead to cheating. Physically and spiritually. Well, let me start with the physical aspect. It all started somewhere in November when we lost our first pregnancy. But before that, there were a few people who didn’t really care about whether I’m married or not. Being someone from a very strong Christian background and ethics, I was genuinely afraid of mingling with such people. So, because of who I am in society (a Man of God) I get a lot of people who reach out to me for various reasons. Some are genuine while others are not.

Some begun to flirt with me and I became comfortable with it. But as time went on, I became scared. Until the November, when we lost our pregnancy. I really became stressed out and I couldn’t share it with anyone. In fact, it’s all my fault because I allowed it to happen. It was relaxing because whenever I got home to see my wife crying and stressed about the loss of our baby, it stressed me out. Most of my messages were more of flirting than meet ups, because I didn’t really have time. Until I met a lady in my mum’s area whom I got involved. It broke the seal. Spiritually, I’ve been a man of God for a good number of years. I’m not blaming anyone but, in my position, there are many attempts and attacks that I face. If they can’t get you, they will get anyone you love. I’m not blaming anyone or anything but this is where I find myself. No matter how I explain, it won’t make sense to her because she’s extremely angry. I choose to cry within and be sorry for myself.

Andrea: I’m very sure you didn’t start cheating just when we got married, because I read your chat with the lady you said is at your mum’s area. You started way back in 2021, if I am right; so why would you use the first miscarriage as an excuse? Be honest and blunt with me here please!

DBM: It’s good you’ve taken responsibility of your actions

Andrea: He hasn’t taken responsibility because he’s still not transparent with me, even after finding out he’s cheating

Judah: What do you want to see before? Because you have access to my phone. Which is the root of all the problems

Andrea: I told you I don’t want to do that to myself because I’d be the one to die earlier, so I won’t check your phone ever again. Didn’t I say I regret going to your phone that night? I’m really keeping my cool because I didn’t want to let you know I read the chats you had with the lady. And the thing is that, you didn’t have an affair with just her; so, come clean here now.

Judah: Please don’t keep your cool at all. I want you to say it all

Andrea: Don’t worry, I will. I don’t want to be an anxious person. After all, if I do that what will be left of me?

Judah: I’m saying this here again. That most of my texts are explicitly flirty. To the extent that, when you read, you’ll feel we meet everyday

Andrea: I’ll show you evidence now because you’re still not coming clean. Most of the ladies you sent flirt texts, money, data bundle and calls to, you had sex with them.

Judah: Please go ahead and show. That’s why we are here

She attaches screenshots from his interactions with other women

DBM: As a man of GOD, based on what your wife has said, it seems like the trust she has in and for you has faded.

Judah: The position I’m in now, everything I say will be a lie. You’re not a thief until you’re caught. So, I accept every charge on me. Explaining over and over again won’t really change the fact that I’ve cheated on my wife

Andrea: Even with the lady who told you that she works as a prostitute, you went ahead to have sex with her. And were lying to her that you didn’t have a girlfriend, even though we had been in a relationship close to five years by then.

DBM: Pastor, what do you think you can do differently to change that?

Judah: I have deleted over 200 contacts, both male and female. She has access to my phone now. I pray with her before we leave the house (something I wasn’t doing before)

Andrea: This prostitute really wanted you to prove that you didn’t have a girlfriend, and you told huge lies that you get sex from your ex, who’s also in a relationship. Even with that information, she wanted to fuck you, and you also wanted to do it.

Judah: I know I’ve been dirty, and I accept every charge

Andrea: I don’t have access to your phone, because you even get angry and aggressive to the point that you hit me

Judah: When did I get aggressive? Have you asked and not gotten?

Andrea: Just this morning, you were aggressive with me.

Judah: You know how it feels when you’re accused of something you didn’t do? That was painful.

Andrea: You held me tight and wanted to hit me. But because I dared you to try and get arrested, you stopped! So, you better come clean. I want you to know that you’re a liar! You didn’t just have sex with only Carolina; that’s what I want to hear

Judah: I have begged you. My mother and brothers all cried and begged you not to leave me, yet you’re still harboring this. Well, like I said. I’m contemplating suicide and when it happens, all will be over. After all, I own nothing to my name.

Andrea: We are both in pain because you refuse to let us talk about the circumstances that led to that act, yet you get aggressive anytime. Claiming it’s a spiritual attack instead of accepting your actions.

Judah: Where did I say I haven’t accepted my charges?

DBM: May I know how long you both have been married?

Judah: One and a half years now

Andrea: Just a year.

Judah: In as much as I want this solved, I don’t want it to affect my ministry and what I’ve built for a decade

Andrea: The chats I’ve seen means that you didn’t start this cheating habit after we got married. I am actually mad that you didn’t think about your marriage, and just went ahead to do whatever

DBM: Were you really ready for marriage or you settled because that is what you were taught, considering you grew up in the church?

Judah: I was ready for it. I knew very well

Andrea: I’m not sure you were ready, because the fact that I get suspicious and ask you continuously that, ‘are you doing anything outside of our marriage’, and you rapidly get angry at me, and even hit me sometimes; that I should never think like that of you. Not knowing you’re not that of a saint. That is what really hurts me. It’s not like I didn’t get suspicious continually. But you decided to rather deny and get angry on top of it. I really kept believing you because I didn’t want doubt to set into our relationship and marriage. I tried not to ever go through your phone and you know very well that I don’t do that, unlike you. How would you feel if I did the same thing to you? Would you be ready for the trauma associated with this level of betrayal?

Judah: If that’s the only way you’ll forgive me, and keep me as your husband, then please go ahead. Because I love you and I want to save our marriage. Dave, I’m preparing for church now but I’ll be following please. Give me a few minutes

DBM: Mrs., what’s the first thing you noticed about your husband when you first met?

Andrea: His love towards the Ministry

DBM: And prior to his affairs, what was your favorite thing about your relationship with him?

Andrea: His honesty

DBM: Pastor, what’s the first thing you noticed about your wife when you first met?

Judah: Her sense of hard work and dedication

Andrea: I actually had a problem when we started our marriage counseling, and so I voiced it out to the counselors. They told my husband to not give in to that, but he never took their advice. He was always on his phone even after initiating that we go outdoors and spend some time. He will be on his phone until we leave the place, and he continues when he’s driving. I’ve been complaining but he doesn’t care. That’s why I told our marriage counselors.

DBM: Hmmm!

Andrea: He doesn’t want me to talk about the pain he caused me and this marriage. He prefers that we act like everything is okay, but I’m not really well with it. I even had to say out of anger that this infidelity could be the reason why I lost two pregnancies. Because I was really hurt. I didn’t want to tell his mother that this is what his son had done, and so I forced my husband that I’ll tell our counselors. He said they are not that confidential, so he’ll get a mutual person, and I just okayed.

He called his mum that midnight when I found out he was cheating, through the messages on his phone, that she should come to our place now because I’ve decided to leave my marriage. He told his mother parts of the story.

DBM: I see. Do you believe your husband loves you?

Andrea: No! After I found out what he did, it made me question myself severally, because I can boldly say there’s nothing tangible that he has provided since he met me till date. I do things like I’m the man of the house, without any complain; all because I loved what I was doing. Now, he’s made me realize I was a fool for a long period. He’d rather give money out to other ladies, but his own wife, even if I ask, he’ll tell me he doesn’t have enough money.

DBM: Have you gotten yourself tested for any STI’s after finding out about his affairs?

Andrea: I told him the first thing we should do was to get ourselves tested. I was also scared of the unknown. He agreed to getting tested but hasn’t even mentioned or said that we should go and do it. He actually had an itching in his manhood and I was also infected; that’s how come I wanted to go through his phone and get answers, since he wasn’t willing to do so.

DBM: I would suggest you get yourself tested, just to be on the safe side

Andrea: It involves money and at the moment, I’m not working due to how I lost both pregnancies. I just started a business this week. We will get tested on Monday. The truth is, my husband doesn’t have any money.

DBM: I see

Andrea: I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind, that it could be probable that he didn’t love me from the beginning. Maybe, it was just for the benefits he was getting from me. But I rethink again and I remember, while we were dating, he didn’t want me to talk to any other guy, so he always went through my phone and even blocked some of my male contacts. At a point, I got angry because my elder sister told him not to be doing that. I had to stop him because I wasn’t doing that to him.

DBM: I have a lot of questions to ask him when he comes back online

Andrea: Okay, but he will be back after church around 12am or so I think

DBM: We can use as many days to chat. Most of the conversations I publish on my website takes from two to five days. We can continue whenever

Judah: I’m here David. Let’s continue if you have the time

DBM: Since you’re a pastor, I’d want to understand your moral compass. How did you feel after the affairs? Was there any guilt at all?

Judah: I was guilty anytime I saw her, and felt like opening up. But I believe everything that has a beginning, has an end. If I had opened up, it wouldn’t have gotten to this level.

DBM: Are you on the same wavelength as your wife about monogamy in your relationship/marriage?

Judah: Yes, I am

DBM: From all that your wife said about you yesterday, I could deduce there is a high probability that the information she managed to gather about you cheating isn’t the first time you have done this. Do you consider yourself a serial cheater?

Judah: David, I am guilty of cheating. I say this and I’ll say it again, most of them were mere flirty messages

DBM: Do you think you have the ability to change from this behavior?

Judah: It’s been two weeks after being caught, and I tell you the truth, my conscience is so clear. I’ve never been free like this before. No level of guilt

DBM: At the moment, your wife doesn’t seem to trust you. What are you going to do about that?

Judah: I’m in for anything she wants to do. Because the level of disrespect is too much. I wouldn’t want to stress over this one again.

DBM: Do you understand what could be going through your wife’s mind after finding you out?

Judah: I totally understand sir. I know because I’ve been in that state before

DBM: Explain

Judah: I mean in my lifetime, I’ve been hurt many times, looking at where my life comes from as a man of God

DBM: Is saving your marriage a priority to, or for you?

Judah: There’s nothing as important as saving my marriage. I’ve told her many times, that we should get it over and done with and move on. I have

DBM: Teach me how you expect your wife to quickly move on from this, as you seem to have easily done?

Judah: I have developed a very thick skin over the years. My family background speaks a lot of volumes. I’ve seen my mum becoming a single parent when my dad left her. So, I’ve learnt to quickly let things go and never mention it to anyone. I will definitely remember, but I ask myself if it’s worth it. No matter how deeply I hurt, by the next day I’m over it. It’s not that I don’t remember; I just don’t dwell on the past

DBM: I’m glad your approach works for you. But do you think you wife equally deserves her own way of figuring all this mess out?

Judah: Yes, David

DBM: Do you respect your wife?

Judah: Most definitely

DBM: Do you love her?

Judah: Yes

DBM: Are you in love with your wife?

Judah: I really am

DBM: Was she a means to an end? As in, whatever it was about her that influenced your decision to date and marry her?

Judah: I literally built my world around her. I couldn’t do anything without her. I literally gave up on a lot of things because of her. We dated for four years and married on the 5th, because I said to myself, I can’t keep someone’s daughter like that. I know her and there’s nothing else to know anymore. So, I woke up one morning and made a call to my parents that I want to marry her.

DBM: This would be my last question: you have the word to say anything on your mind or heart to your wife’s hearing.

Judah: I’ve said everything I need to say. I totally regret my actions. But I give her all the right to do whatever she wants to do to me. She says she wants to do what I did to her, so that she’ll feel equal. If it will make her happy, then she should do it. If that’s what I’ll get, then no problem. But for me, whatever I did, I’ve gotten over it and I’m not willing to ever mention it again because it’s not something I want to revisit.

Image Credit: Keira Burton

I see myself in Hugh, and I fear for him

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

See, the relationship between LOVE and MARRIAGE is like that of a building and its foundation. LOVE is the foundation on which MARRIAGE, the building, is built. Like the foundation of a building, LOVE is far stronger than marriage. You cannot build before laying the foundation. If love is not the foundation of marriage, as in the case of Hugh and Papina, and as it was in my case, then when the storms of life reel its ugly head, the one who came into the relationship for reasons other than love, but only learnt to love the other after they’d been married would leave.

I married a lady I knew didn’t love me. She confessed same. I was praying that with time, she would grow to love me knowing the beautiful character I possess. David, could you imagine about after a year of marriage, my wife then promised, ‘Kwaku, exercise patience; the love will come’.

I earned a lot of money from my workplace and ensured life was very good and very comfortable for my wife, which then developed the love she showed. But after disaster struck and I lost my job, and the financial situation at home begun to fall, and finally fell, I realized our relationship was built upside-down: marriage which was the building was made the foundation and we tried to build love on it.

David, I had the premonition all along that in case I lost my job, my wife would leave. And it happened – in a very bizarre way. I really fear for Hugh. I am praying the fate I suffered at my workplace will not happen to him. But if, per adventure, it does happen, David I can predict Papina will leave. She’s in this relationship because Hugh has met her, and is meeting all of her demands. The love Hugh receives, and enjoys from her is ‘bought’. Papina coaching her friend to do as she did suggest that her love for Hugh hangs loosely on the thread of time; on how much and for how long Hugh is able to meet her aspirations.

There’s every indication that Hugh doubts her love. There’s every indication that Hugh entertains some fear. His fear is real and genuine. I wouldn’t advice divorce. But he should develop strong shock absorbers for future eventualities. Hugh’s may not be loss of job, accident or ill health that could result in permanent disability, but these things happen. I am lucky mine was just the loss of a job. I am still very healthy and moving on with life. Imagine if it had been a physical disability… You understand what I mean?

Written by KA

Image Credit: Mart Production

Let’s Talk to Hugh and Papina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 110a: Hugh

Partisipant110b: Papina is my name. Or Ivy. Both mean the same thing

DBM: Hello Hugh and Papina. How would you describe yourselves?

Hugh: Work in progress, trying to improve my own life.

Papina: As for me, I take big risks. That is how come I am able to realize my big wins. I am in my early 30’s, and always looking to be better – meaning, I learn from my mistakes. I’ve been through hell and back, so I nowadays prefer to rather take a step back and soak in as much information from people and circumstances as possible. I am currently living in my moment and I am working towards a dream that looks bigger than myself. I have a degree in Marketing. I am also a young mother

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Hugh: 9

Papina: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Hugh: I eavesdropped on a phone call between my wife and one of her girlfriends. She was telling her how she also agreed to marry me for purely financial motivations. And was encouraging her friend to do same with her new guy. How can a Christian woman marry me for some reason other than love?

Papina: In my defense, the love came later

Hugh: Liar

Papina: I am telling the truth; I did not fall in love with you until our third year in marriage.

Hugh: Did you marry me purposely to have financial support, a good roof over your head and also, to live a comfortable life?

Papina: Yes

DBM: Did you fall in love with your husband because of his generosity?

Papina: Yes Dave, I did

Hugh: Why then were you excited and at a point, even in tears on our wedding day – during the exchange of vows?

Papina: You couldn’t keep your hands off me. You had held my hand so tight and looked like you meant every promise from the vows you were making to me. I knew that you loved me, and that made me feel lucky

DBM: How long have you been married?

Papina: 6 years

DBM: What do you think are your husband’s best qualities?

Papina: He makes me laugh like no other, he’s very supportive and kind; emotionally very intelligent, he is smart and committed to the success of our marriage; he is forgiving and understanding, and I love our lazy morning sex when he slips into my morning shower to give me a quickie.

Hugh: Dave, ask my wife if she’s a gold digger

Papina: When we first met, I did not mind you trading your money and status in exchange for sex and my good looks. You wanted both in your life, and it came at a cost

Hugh: You told me you loved me too before we got married. All of it was a lie

Papina: First and foremost, we all lie. You used to lie to me too for reasons best known to you

Hugh: Why weren’t you upfront with the truth? You wanted someone to take care of you; I could have done that without the commitment of a marriage

Papina: Telling you the truth as at that time wouldn’t have gotten me what I have now

DBM: What do you have now?

Papina: I have a good man in my life who does special things for me to tell me how he feels. He shows me every day, how much he cares about how I feel – and that, whatever makes me happy is important to him.

Hugh: According to your explanation, it was best to lie to get me interested in our relationship?

Papina: If you had told me up front that you wanted sex from me when we first met, I would have ignored you because you weren’t my type.

Hugh: Then I’m still not your type

Papina: You’re my type. The fact that you have more money than less elevates your potential automatically to every woman. Money is a plus for a man.

DBM: What’s your favorite memory with your wife?

Hugh: Me?

DBM: Yes

Hugh: I don’t remember

DBM: Come on!

Hugh: I don’t have any

Papina: Can I answer for myself?

DBM: Sure

Papina: The first time we had to reminisce about when we first met, by going through our old pictures together. That was the day I realized I was falling in love with him. I connected with my husband in a way I could not imagine

Hugh: My best memory of my wife is, she’s a master of manipulation and sweet talk.

DBM: Be nice, please

Hugh: I don’t think I can trust her anymore

Papina: Why don’t you trust me anymore? You haven’t lied to me before? You’ve had side chicks since we married. Have I ever complained? Before you asked me to be your girlfriend, you had another woman in your life, yet you told me you were single. Or you thought I couldn’t handle the truth?

Hugh: Keep justifying your actions

DBM: Hugh

Hugh: Yeah!

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Hugh: Yeah

DBM: What are the four places you’ve considered having sex with your wife, other than in your bed?

Papina: 🥰

DBM: Sup? Lol!

Papina: 😎 He will answer this one. I know my husband

Hugh: I want to eat her out on the kitchen counter when the kids are in school, press her naked body against the window in the hall, fuck her hard on the hood of my car in the garage and on the staircase

DBM: Why do you love your wife?

Hugh: She’s important to me

Papina: Awww!

Hugh: She’s been encouraging and excited about my progress and choices in life

Papina: That’s because my feelings and what is important to me are your priorities. We have come so far that I cannot imagine a time when I will not love you. I’ve found the man I want to love forever in you

Hugh: What if I lose all my money? Would you still love me?

Papina: At the moment, I know your assets are producing a higher net return, which makes it impossible for you to lose all of your money. You’ve made excellent financial planning decisions which spreads well beyond your investments. We are good.

DBM: Smh! Women and money!

Papina: Money seduces us differently. The content of a man’s bank account determines the depth of a woman’s love for him. The only time a woman would go for a broke guy is when her cashflow permits her to choose anything she wants for love.

DBM: I love how candid you both are with your communication

Hugh: I believe that if you love someone, you do not tune them out even when the conversation is not about something that you’d want to talk about.

Papina: We’ve both been genuinely interested in what we have to say about anything, anytime, any day. And, it’s working for us in that department.

DBM: What do you fear the most?

Hugh: Losing my wife

Papina: I’d say the same, losing my life; losing my husband and all that he’s worked for

DBM: Why do you tolerate your husband’s affairs?

Papina: Dave, I am tough o; I have not come this far in life by simply putting up with garbage thrown at me to decay my self-esteem, never. Also, prior to his affairs, I was already tolerating a whole lot from him. That is not to excuse bad behavior. We have set boundaries in our marriage and he knows very well that he is not allowed to put my life, health, sanity and our home in any form of danger. He does not look or touch his phone when we’re interacting at home. He understands the clarity of priorities when he is home. Most importantly, he ensures the home has everything to make its inhabitants feel comfortable

DBM: That is good enough?

Papina: For me, it is. That is me standing up for myself. That is me not beating myself up because of someone else’s bad behavior. I’ve told myself that nothing he does should have the capacity to drain me emotionally. I’d rather be gone and not let the door hit me on my way out.

Hugh: I have no issues in my marriage

DBM: I know quite a number of married men who have split themselves into two; their first part believing of themselves to be good and well-behaved husbands who’d do any and everything to stay attentive at home, but then, encouraging the second part of them to carry on with an affair. Do you fall in this category?

Hugh: I do

DBM: And, is it going to be like this forever?

Hugh: A time will come, I will not be acting on my fantasy outside of my marriage. A time will come, I will only be taking my feelings about the fantasies I want to explore with my wife seriously. A time will come, we will laugh about my foolish past together

Papina: Hopefully, sooner than later before you squander your time without holding on to something meaningful with me. Today you can be here, tomorrow you’d be gone.

DBM: It was a good conversation. Thank you!

Image Credit: Anna Shvets

Let’s Talk To Wyatt

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 109: Name is Wyatt

DBM: Hi Wyatt. How would you describe yourself?

Wyatt: Someone’s beau, humorous, handsome, sexy, dapper, brilliant, hardworking, supportive, adventurous, very confident and can be affectionate.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Wyatt: Seven

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wyatt: I am in a six-year relationship with my girlfriend. Honestly bro, I am very content with what we have and okay to let our relationship stay just the way it is, boyfriend-girlfriend, without any status change. My girl on the other hand, wants an upgrade in my level of commitment to her… And she feels marriage does that for her. I am not dragging my feet about this whole marriage conversation; it’s just that I don’t think it’s all that important if we still have what we have, which we both love.

DBM: Marriage is not important to YOU, you mean to say, no?

Wyatt: Dave, we’re doing everything married people do. How is that any different?

DBM: How old are you?

Wyatt: 39

DBM: How old is your lady?

Wyatt: 33

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Wyatt: I’m a statistician

DBM: And your lady?

Wyatt: Nurse anesthetist

DBM: So, you’re in the position to be married then?

Wyatt: I can get married today, that’s not the issue. I am not ready

DBM: When do you think you will be ready?

Wyatt: When I’m ready. I don’t see the rush in this

DBM: Do you know why your lady wants marriage?

Wyatt: She’s eight weeks pregnant, and I think that’s her sudden tick-tock

DBM: Congratulations!

Wyatt: Thank you!

DBM: There should be a reason why you don’t want to be married now. If I don’t want marriage, I would know why. Why don’t you want to get married?

Wyatt: Marriage can be a lot of work

DBM: How do you know?

Wyatt: I just know

DBM: From which experience? You’ve never been married, have you?

Wyatt: Friends share their experiences with me. I have family members also talking. Most of my married male friends wish they were single

DBM: How does their unique experiences reflect on how yours could become?

Wyatt: Marriage puts unnecessary expectations on a man’s behavioral commitment. I don’t think I am ready for such a transition.

DBM: Enlighten me on the behavioral commitment bit

Wyatt: If I am to get married, then it means I would be limiting myself only to my girlfriend. This makes me miss out on so much

DBM: Miss out, how?

Wyatt: Come on, Dave, you’re a guy

DBM: I honestly do not understand your statement

Wyatt: I also don’t know how to explain it

DBM: Can I try putting myself in the shoes of your woman?

Wyatt: In which sense?

DBM: I want to try arguing from her perspective

Wyatt: Smh!

DBM: Being married would protect our baby. Our child can lead a healthier, long life if we’re to be officially committed

Wyatt: Dave, giving our child a loving and safe upbringing requires just more than a ring and a priest. Our child will not be anything less than ours; he or she is not going to be illegitimate, or a bastard. He or she is not a sin if born out of wedlock. Us being unmarried doesn’t necessarily risk our unborn child into poverty. He or she will not fail in school because we are not married. Our child will not suffer from emotional or behavioral problems because we are not married. How we raise and protect him or her would solely be our decision to make.

DBM: How about the fact that, marriage can offer me the legal protection that could or would make it more pleasing a step for me to take before giving birth to our child?

Wyatt: It’s just a piece of paper. Luckily for me, my girlfriend does not rely on me to survive. She works and earns her own money, even though we support ourselves and would do same for the child when its finally here.

DBM: Let’s assume she isn’t working

Wyatt: She works. Let’s stick to what my current reality is

DBM: In your response to my earlier question, you stated that marriage may limit you to just one woman. How about your woman wanting marriage because deep down, she feels it could increase your sexual fidelity?

Wyatt: I know she believes that

DBM: Do you?

Wyatt: Dave, you have been chatting with a ton of married women and men. Is that the reality on the ground? Because all of my married male friends are cheating on their wives. Nothing really has changed

DBM: Are you cheating on your girlfriend?

Wyatt: I am

DBM: And you don’t think a commitment in marriage would make you want to do right by her?

Wyatt: I am doing right by her. Having a few affairs isn’t an indication of whether or not I am a bad person.

DBM: But do you feel like something is missing in your relationship with your lady?

Wyatt: Nothing is missing or broken. We’re intact. I am happy

DBM: Is she happy?

Wyatt: I think so

DBM: How would she feel if she’s to find out about your affairs?

Wyatt: I don’t know

DBM: Are you satisfied with your self and actions as a man?

Wyatt: Somewhat. I am always doing what is best for me

DBM: How would you define your relationship with your girlfriend?

Wyatt: We’re exclusive. She’s my world, my everything. And I love her so much

DBM: So, you have agreed to be exclusive with her, yet here you are doing other women on the side while your leading lady is remaining true to you and your agreement of exclusivity. How fair do you think you are being? Is she not satisfying you sexually?

Wyatt: She is

DBM: Have you fallen in love with any of those other ladies?

Wyatt: No!

DBM: Is there boredom in your relationship?

Wyatt: No, we have a lot of fun. Dave, I am not a bad person.

DBM: You may not be a bad person, but you clearly aren’t an honest man

Wyatt: What do you want me to do? Marry her even though I don’t feel like it?

DBM: No! From what you have told me, marrying her wouldn’t even be a realistic promise of permanence – with regards to your romantic relationship. But Wyatt, you can at least be honest with yourself and your woman for a change.

Wyatt: I am honest the best way possible.

DBM: I see. Was the pregnancy planned?

Wyatt: No

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Ryutaro Tsukata

Let’s Talk To Xavier

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 108: Xavier

DBM: Hello Xavier. How would you describe yourself?

Xavier: I will describe myself as a man who is very much in control of his dynamisms, and is self-aware, and can channel my energies in the path to goodness.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Xavier: 9 and a half

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Xavier: Prior to meeting my wife, I was in a two-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend. We were planning on getting married because she was pregnant. One day, while she was in the shower, a man sent a steamy message to her phone, which caught my attention because I was going to take her charger to charge my phone. The notification popped up on her screen, and I read the remaining of the message; it was incredibly intimate. Before I could process anything, he followed up with a voice message of him masturbating while reminiscing about their last intimate encounter, which according to him, happened the night before. This happened in 2014. Mind you, she was six months pregnant, and until I heard that message, had assumed the pregnancy was mine. This is an ex who convinced me not to have sex with her because she was having a high-risk pregnancy. She made me believe she had a low-lying placenta, which her doctor confirmed with the term, placenta praevia. I still remember it like it was just yesterday. The long and short of the story is, her child belongs to the doctor, and they’ve been together since our breakup.

DBM: Omg!

Xavier: I met my wife on my way to attack the doctor at the hospital. I was driving and then suddenly, I had to pee. I found the nearest office building and had to beg and bribe the security man to allow me use the bathroom. When I got out of the washroom, I met my wife on the hallway, and I could swear she looked just like a crush of mine from high school. I probably might have been horny because her smile turned me on.

DBM: Ah! But weren’t you the same person angry a minute ago?

Xavier: The quality of voice she used in saying ‘heya’ to me – got me thinking

DBM: About what?

Xavier: Rather than looking to what my ex had done and fighting her doctor, why not focus on who was sharing her brightest smile with me in the present to solve a problem.

DBM: What problem did her smile solve in your life?

Xavier: I have tears in my eyes just recalling the day I met her. That simple ‘heya’ imbued the rest of my life with so much magic. It made me consider whether or not letting an opportunity like her pass me by, really was worth my time and energy. Who would have known ‘heya’ could teach me how to pick my battles wisely? Her smile made me forget I was angry; that is magic. And since that day, I stopped fighting over every little thing. Dave, when you’ve had your heart trampled on, it takes a special ‘heya’ to let yourself be vulnerable to trust again.

DBM: How would you describe your wife?

Xavier: If ever there was ‘the one’, then it would be my woman. She’s the only lady that I had been with for love to call us to marriage without any sexual happenstances involved. I am in no way saying I don’t feel like sleeping with my wife any time I set my eyes on her. As her husband, the passion she exhumes in me is erotic 24/7. But she did not meet all my requirements for the perfect woman I desired. Getting to know her drew my attention to the other attractive qualities in her that were even better than anything I could have wanted in a wife. She triggers my inner hero to come along.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Xavier: Eight years in August. We dated for seven months

DBM: Your ex, how did you finally get closure?

Xavier: I loved my ex-girlfriend but had to walk away because I didn’t have it in me to trust her again. Talks about her brings up certain emotions that I cannot explain, even now.

DBM: Hmmm!

Xavier: But I forgive her

DBM: What is your favorite thing about your marriage?

Xavier: Oh, that is simple; I wake up in the morning and the first thing I tell myself is to love my wife more than I did the day before. I give her a kiss, iron her dress while she prepares the children for school. I hug her before leaving the house, and offer a gargantuan, extended hug when I return from work. I’ve been consistent with the same routine for eight years, to the extent that, she expects it from me every day.

DBM: Why is such a routine important to you?

Xavier: Choosing to love my wife, I believe is within my control

DBM: It is!

Xavier: Yeah!

DBM: What do you think seems to be the glue holding your marriage intact?

Xavier: The fact that me and my wife go out of our way to take what we have seriously. Our commitment is pure; she’s my best friend, my confidant, lover, and the woman I can laugh and be playful with. My wife trusts me. She believes in me, desires me sexually and I am sexually attracted to her. I’ve had eyes for only my wife, and she’s made sure that sex is a priority in our marriage. She sees how hard I work for the family and encourages me on a daily basis. She does this in front of our children, friends and family a lot. My wife appreciates my every effort and I do same to her. I think we have the correct balance of deed and restraint when dealing with each other.

Image Credit: EJ

Let’s Talk To Dhakirah

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 105: I love the name Dhakirah

DBM: Hi Dhakirah. How would you describe yourself?

Dhakirah: I am a nice person in the morning, good in the afternoon and sweet at night

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Dhakirah: I am 7 today

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Dhakirah: My husband’s mistress came to my office to ask if I am still in love with him. She’s told me she is in love, and has showed me evidence of their two-year relationship. From their conversations, he’s in love with her too and does not know what to do because he is married to me. Initially, I was wondering why a side chick would have the audacity to show face, but then a phone conversation she recorded between her and my husband proved that he enabled her to confront me. It probably was a joke, but then she took on the challenge to confront me.

DBM: How did she know where you work?

Dhakirah: From the recorded phone call, my husband told her when she asked.

DBM: Have you told your husband about this?

Dhakirah: No! A girl as daring as that will tell him what she’s done

DBM: When did she approach you?

Dhakirah: 3rd of April, 2023

DBM: And, your husband hasn’t said a thing?

Dhakirah: Nothing

DBM: Have you noticed any changes in his attitude towards you since his girl’s confrontation?

Dhakirah: He’s been engaging in deep eye contact with me, while smiling, laughing or shaking his head for no reason when he sees me. I read intimidation or fear from his body language when he tries to lock eyes with me lately

DBM: What other evidence of their relationship did she present to you?

Dhakirah: Pictures and videos of them in bed. Some, taken while my husband was asleep and naked with her in bed.

DBM: Do you have a copy?

Dhakirah: I did not ask for a copy

DBM: Why not?

Dhakirah: I think I had a hunch a few years ago that he may be having an affair, but because he was doing everything right by me, I thought it was all up in my head.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Dhakirah: We’re almost in a decade

DBM: Children?

Dhakirah: Yes

DBM: What pricked the hunch?

Dhakirah: He started making huge purchases for me, etc. He bought me a car, for instance. He sometimes also forgot to mention he was going to stay out late till he’s realized he’s late. He comes home and lies about a work gathering or something with friends that came up unplanned. He takes his phone everywhere at home, even to the bathroom

DBM: I take my phone everywhere with me, even to the toilet

Dhakirah: Why?

DBM: Because I love to read or listen to music while on the loo

Dhakirah: Are you also always texting on your phone?

DBM: Not really

Dhakirah: That, if I am to just ask what’s going on with you, you suddenly are on the alert and in a defensive mode?

DBM: No

Dhakirah: Trying new and rough styles and positions with me in bed; all of a sudden becoming conscious of the kinds of underwear he wears, etc.

DBM: So, you weren’t surprised then – when she showed up in your office?

Dhakirah: Not not

DBM: How would you describe her?

Dhakirah: She’s pretty and young

DBM: Why haven’t you confronted your husband?

Dhakirah: He knows what he’s doing

DBM: It doesn’t bother you?

Dhakirah: Would it change a thing?

DBM: What are you going to do?

Dhakirah: I am not going to allow this to bring me to my knees. My life is not empty, I am not sad. I am not in despair

DBM: Are you okay with your husband falling in love with another woman?

Dhakirah: I am not. I am also not the only woman whose husband is letting down

DBM: I see

Dhakirah: But I have something planned for him. That is why I am not wearing any hatred or hurt

DBM: You’re going to punish him?

Dhakirah: He’s not my son, I cannot punish him. And, it’s not my responsibility to raise grown-ass-man right; his parents already did. Who he is showing me is the man he really is

DBM: You make a good point

Dhakirah: Sometimes, the cure for infidelity is infidelity.

DBM: Meaning?

Dhakirah: Meaning, I am still processing what he has done to me

DBM: Are you still in love with your husband?

Dhakirah: I am in hate with him, even though I am still loving towards him after all that I know

DBM: I see

Dhakirah: Dave, a friend of mine needs advise

DBM: What kind?

Dhakirah: She and her husband both found out, almost at the same time that they had been cheating on themselves. He was doing his thing in either hotels or his other woman’s place, while my friend, his wife, was sleeping with her side-kick at home, in their matrimonial bed when he’s gone to work or traveled. My friend’s husband wants a divorce because he thinks my friend’s cheating was worse than his.

DBM: Worse in which sense?

Dhakirah: His was an away match while hers was home

DBM: I don’t see the difference

Dhakirah: I said the same thing to her, but the husband is angry and has been mean towards her. Her in-laws are all attacking and name-calling her, but are not discussing the man’s own affair.

DBM: It’s a man’s world, I guess

Dhakirah: But it’s an empty nest without a woman

DBM: Are you quoting James Brown’s song to me?

Dhakirah: You started

DBM: Smh! What do you have planned for your husband?

Dhakirah: I just told you about my friend and her husband

DBM: Yes

Dhakirah: Sometimes, the cure for infidelity is infidelity

DBM: You’re also going to cheat on him?

Dhakirah: Already did

DBM: Oh!

Dhakirah: This is my story, and I’m the one asking for a divorce

Image Credit: Motional Studio

Pandemic Baby – But Not Mine

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

I loved my wife, she was my missing rib and apple of my eye. If there is anything I could do to show my wife my earnest love for her, I would do it without having a second thought. I knew we would spend the rest of our lives together because I had devoted my life to her. She never at one point complained of my inability or failure to perform my responsibilities both to her and the children. I trusted her and there was no one I could give my trust other than to my wife. However, my forever was short lived, and till date I have never recovered.

My family had been going through difficult financial problems at the start of the pandemic. One evening I got a call from my manager saying I had been selected to travel outside the country for an assignment. After the call, I quickly called my wife and informed her of the good news. She was happier than I was, and before I could hang up the call she asked that we prayed; I obliged . Unbeknownst to me, that assignment will later come to change the whole of my life.

I noticed my wife had started changing, three months after I had left the country. She could no longer pick up my calls at night which became quite unsettling for me because we had agreed to always communicate. I brought it to her attention and the excuse was that she was alone and burdened with taking care of the kids, hence, she needed time to herself to rest. I understood her as I knew her being well-rested meant the kids would be well taken care of. We later agreed to call in once a week and write to each other regularly.

A year passed and things just became worse. I became stressed at work as I was not able to hear from my family. My wife had blocked me and my calls to her went unanswered. My performance had dwindled and I received warning letters. I did not want to lose my job because this was a life time opportunity that would help me complete our house and pay off the loans I had taken to take my wife to school. I persevered.

A year later, I had sank into depression not knowing how my family was. My contract was extended, that meant being away for another one year. I sent monies to her account to take care of the kids and complete the building despite having not heard from her for the last one year. I was a responsible man, I had to keep my word to my family. I sent my family to go check what was happening in my house only for them to report that my wife had moved out and they had no idea where she had relocated to. You can imagine what this did to me; my blood pressure was high for a whole month and I could not go to work.

Time flew and it was now time to go back home. I was not a happy man; where was I going to start searching for my wife and children? Her family knew nothing about her whereabouts. I started calling her friends and she had cut them off. I reported the matter to the police and investigations started.

My wife was found, with a five month baby. All this while, she had left my house to go be with her new found love. This is someone I had devoted my life to. How was I going to start all over again? My desire to bring up my children in a loving home was shattered. I felt sorry for my children the most. How could she let ten years of our lives go to waste? How was I blind not to see any tell tale signs? Why did she squander the money meant to complete the house? I ask myself these questions every day.

I have now started counselling but my heart is forever scarred.

Image Credit: Caleb + Kaci Carson

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