Tag: Marriage

Happiness Seeker

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Charlotte: Mr. David, how are you doing? I have a problem. I don’t know if it’s an actual problem or it’s just my own insecurities stemming from fear. I think my husband doesn’t want to be married anymore. He hasn’t specifically told me that but I feel like he’s checking out slowly on us.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Have you talked to him about your observation?

Charlotte: Yes. He thinks I’m worrying over nothing

DBM: Are you?

Charlotte: No. My husband is the type to say what you want to hear to make you happy. He’s not the kind to be upfront with the truth.

DBM: What made you want to marry a man who is not upfront with the truth?

Charlotte: Love

DBM: Ask him if he is happily married to you

Charlotte: Direct like that?

DBM: Would you not want to know?

Charlotte: I want to know but what if he says no? What happens to me?

DBM: If someone tells me they do not love me anymore, I will respect my own feelings and do everything possible to change the status quo.

Charlotte: He does not have time to spend with me and the children. He compensates the children by buying them things or taking them out once in a while.

DBM: Is he a workaholic?

Charlotte: His job isn’t that demanding

DBM: Is that a guesstimate or he said so himself?

Charlotte: He told me. That is why I find it a bit baffling. He has time for friends. He has time to have fun. He has time to travel. He has time for social gatherings. He has time to be on his phone, 24/7. If I am lucky to be invited to a public function alongside him, there would be no display of affection between us, but you will see him excited talking to the wives and girlfriends of other people.

DBM: So, at such functions, you can also talk to the husbands and boyfriends of other people. You don’t need your husband’s approval or permission to do that.

Charlotte: I don’t subscribe to tit for tat.

DBM: It’s not tit for tat. You need to take control of what interests you too. Your husband is probably engaging in conversations about politics, football, money, governance, work etc. with people. Find people who speak your same language and connect with them. You don’t have to have your husband at all cost to be doing things with you. It’s an indirect form of control. It pushes men away

Charlotte: What if I want him to be discussing those topics with me instead at home? What if I want to tag along when he’s traveling with someone to go on one of his exploration trips?

DBM: You want my opinion?

Charlotte: Of course,

DBM: Do not beg anyone to spend time with you, not even a husband. If you want to travel to sight-see, plan the trip and go anyways, with or without him. You know what you want. You know what you need. What is stopping you from telling your husband what you intend doing and doing it anyways?

Charlotte: I fear pushing him more away if I’m to start acting that way

DBM: I don’t know how you want to live the rest of your life but you need to adjust your priorities accordingly and become your own happiness seeker.

Charlotte: If he’s seeking his happiness and I am seeking mine, who will take care of the children?

DBM: Alternate your weekends. If he is going out this weekend, stay at home with the kids. Next weekend, you can go out and live your best life while he remains home with the kids. That is the fairest thing to do, in my opinion.

Charlotte: Dave, sometimes we need our husbands.

DBM: You have your husband

Charlotte: Yeah, but I need him to be a part of what we do as a family.

DBM: You need him because…?

Charlotte: There is no one else I would want by side.

DBM: Have you told him that?

Charlotte: In other words, yes.

DBM: No, I mean in those exact words

Charlotte: No.

DBM: Is he patient with you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he listen to you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he understand you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he let you cry?

Charlotte: I feel like sometimes he just doesn’t care if I cry

DBM: Has he been your constant support and encouragement?

Charlotte: Not really

DBM: Is he leading your family?

Charlotte: I don’t know

DBM: Does he provide for the family?

Charlotte: He’s doing the best he can

DBM: Does he protect your family?

Charlotte: I don’t know how to answer that. He’s generally not home. My son was telling me the other day that his father is hardly home to spend time with them.

DBM: Does he respect you?

Charlotte: I don’t know

DBM: Does he pray for you?

Charlotte: No

DBM: Is he honest with you?

Charlotte: Not really

DBM: Does he make you laugh?

Charlotte: Why all these questions?

DBM: A ‘yes’ to my questions should have been the only reason why you need your husband. Do not let your world close in on you because of marriage and children in the mix. There are some men who, the more you chase for their attention, the more they run from you. If you feel your husband is checking out, let him; while you work on differentiating yourself as an individual in your own right, while being connected to the marriage as a whole.

Charlotte: Hmmm

DBM: Marriage and family life is challenging, don’t get me wrong. I am figuring my own out the best way I know how. But truth is, no matter what you do or whatever your approach is, marriage and family life can be challenging.

Charlotte: Dave, thank you.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Sight Restored

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Isabella: Hello David. I was bitten by a tick which led to me being paralyzed for almost a year. I remember brushing my teeth one morning and could not see my face in the mirror. I started to see visions and was hearing loud noises out of nowhere, I became terrified because I thought I was losing my mind. I did not tell my husband about my deteriorating eyesight, and I doubt he suspected anything, until one Sunday afternoon, I walked past my five-year old son at home without seeing him. Hospital trips followed but the specialists couldn’t diagnose exactly what was happening to me. Let me save the first part of my story here. I will come and continue in few minutes.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Okay!

Isabella: Hi David. I am back.

DBM: Welcome back. What happened next?

Isabella: I lost my hearing and eyesight in the process. The worst happened to me a few weeks later. I woke up one morning and had to hold myself up with my arms. I felt an excruciating pain from the waist down, which left me with very minimal feelings. I was bedridden days later. My husband became my caretaker for weeks and I think he started to get tired of it. He had to go back to work, and I understood that. My mother visited to take over for some time but had to also leave because my sister had given birth. It was her first baby after being married for 9 years. My husband then arranged with a young nurse who was willing to attend to me privately at home every day for a fee. She was the perfect help by all standards. She supported me to live a better and healthier life. Unbeknownst to my blind ass, my husband had made a separate arrangement with the nurse to be staying in our house.

DBM: Wait! At this point, you couldn’t see nor hear, no?

Isabella: Yes, and bedridden. I was being wheeled in a chair.

DBM: Ha!

Isabella: I realized she had been sleeping over because the nurse would be offering round-the-clock care and assistance, sometimes, even at dawn. In the sixth month of my dilemma, I noticed my breasts had become tender around the time I should have been expecting my period. It was confusing but I had seen the signs before. I was technically 4 weeks pregnant. I have a 28-day cycle, and had missed my period. Miraculously, I gained my eyesight and hearing when I became pregnant. The first thing I witnessed that evening was how close my husband and the nurse had built their own trusting relationship. They were kissing, right before my eyes. My son was asleep in his room.

DBM: Oh, my word!

Isabella: The nurse was overjoyed and excited and was discussing her mixed emotions with my husband because she had found out she was also pregnant with his child.

DBM: Ha! How did that make you feel?

Isabella: It was a difficult emotion to embrace. I couldn’t confront them because at first, I thought I was hallucinating. But it was what I was seeing. I kept my cool and continued to pretend I couldn’t see them. In fact, I got to know that they knew each other and were together long before my illness. I saw and heard a lot. I recorded a lot on my phone. Dave, would you want to know the straw that broke the camel’s back?

DBM: This camel, I doubt can take anymore load. What!

Isabella: There were many times at dawn that this nurse would get me out of bed while I’m asleep, and put me in the wheelchair. She moved me across the room to take my place in my matrimonial bed to have sex with my husband. I witnessed a few when I gained my eyesight and hearing.

DBM: I am terribly sorry about that.

Isabella: Don’t be. What would be would be.

DBM: Can you walk now?

Isabella: Yes, thankfully.

DBM: What about the pregnancy?

Isabella: I had my baby girl

DBM: Congratulations!

Isabella: Thanks, Dave.

DBM: You mind me asking how you kept your cool after what you heard and saw?

Isabella: I did not want to be stressed. It’s not healthy for me or my baby. Though I was in shock, I would be breathing in slowly for a count of five, holding my breath, and then pushing it back out for a count of five. That is how I managed to keep my cool.

DBM: I just tried to reverse the circumstances of the main characters of your story in my head. Your husband wouldn’t have survived even a week in your shoes. A lot of you women have had to tolerate so much disrespect and deceit, and have had to extend forgiveness on the daily to men who had vowed to do right by you.

Isabella: I did not waste away in the marriage after getting back on my feet. I divorced him. I had so much proof against them. Videos, audios, pictures. It was exhausting and hurtful. It was draining, being a cogwheel in such an unfortunate-go-round that never seemed to end.

DBM: Do you work?

Isabella: Yes. I returned to my old job. I am the IT Program Manager (Systems and Services Solution Team Lead) for an international organization.

DBM: Good. I thank GOD for your life. You know, not all men are like that!

Isabella: I know, Dave. I don’t hold one man’s actions against all others. No two men are the same.

DBM: It’s rather unfortunate that people would do and say any and everything they feel they’re entitled to, how they want, when they want, without taking a moment to think of the effects their actions and words have on those around them.

Isabella: I am a woman full of love and I had given him every ounce of it from my heart. The least I deserved was to be seen and treated the way I saw and treated him and our son. I deserved respect even when I wasn’t capable of seeing it. He made a choice. I made mine. Life goes on like that.

DBM: Being decent is a superpower because it is hard to want to do the right thing and be a man or woman of integrity.

Isabella: Yes

DBM: Do you miss him?

Isabella: I miss him, but that ship has long sailed. We co-parent our children beautifully, and that’s all I care about for now.

DBM: You have a son. A male child is a father’s favorite puzzle. How are you ensuring he doesn’t grow up to become what you hate?

Isabella: I am teaching my son how to be sensitive and respectful. I am teaching him about self-discipline. I am teaching him how to be compassionate and live it daily. I want him to grow into a man who will make a loving and caring companion. I am teaching him how to be empathetic. I am teaching him about honesty, kindness and hard work. I am helping him to feel secure. He already knows his sense of worth. He also knows he is deeply loved and he’s learning how to acknowledge his own feelings. He knows he’s equipped to express exactly how he’s feeling to us. And I am teaching him to take responsibility for his actions. It will greatly benefit the woman he marries someday. But most importantly, even better for the man he himself becomes.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Eye For An Eye

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Aqua: Hi Dave. Story time. When our child was born, my wife suggested two names she wanted me to add to the names I had already chosen for my son. We had agreed on two names, plus my surname. But my wife, out of nowhere, wanted us to add two new names to his name. Just recently, I was having issues with my phone and had to use my wife’s WhatsApp to call someone. I came across conversations she’d had with two different men who were under the assumption that my son was theirs. They know my wife is married, yet believed my son was theirs. Meaning, they both slept with her at a point in time. Their first names, interestingly, happened to be the two new names my wife added to my names for our son. I also found out that, they have been sending her money every month for ‘their’ son’s upkeep. Dave, there is absolutely nothing lower than a woman you think is in love with you, lying about the paternity of a child. I think it’s unfair and I’m going to clap back.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Have you confronted your wife about your discovery?

Aqua: I have. Her only excuse is that I was cheating on her so she had to let her own hair down.

DBM: Were you cheating on her?

Aqua: I was but I stopped when I got caught.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Aqua: I’m going to leave this marriage

DBM: I see. Do you mind me asking why you were cheating on her?

Aqua: Same reason every guy steps out sometimes. I needed to feel needed and admired. The woman I was with was struggling with her life and career. My intention was to help her find a job but we both became vulnerable and lost focus.

DBM: Does she have a job now?

Aqua: She’s still working on it. I gave her a few contacts and leads when I ended things.

DBM: Is your marriage worth saving?

Aqua: No

DBM: You’re done?

Aqua: Totally done.

DBM: You don’t think you can ever forgive her?

Aqua: I will never be able to forgive her

DBM: How about how she felt when you were doing the cheating?

Aqua: I didn’t get the other woman pregnant. There is a difference

DBM: I am not talking about that. I am talking about how you made her feel when she caught you cheating. Were you expecting her to forgive and forget?

Aqua: She said she had forgiven me. And I believed her. That’s why I ended things with the other girl.

DBM: I know you feel betrayed right now but I’d have to ask again; there really is nothing worth holding on to?

Aqua: Even if there is, I don’t think I’d ever trust her again

DBM: Do you think she would ever trust you again?

Aqua: I don’t care anymore bro.

DBM: Do you at least, feel the love you once had for her beneath all the anger you’re feeling right now?

Aqua: I don’t think I can bring myself to love her like I used to.

DBM: That’s understandable. Has she apologized to you?

Aqua: Yes.

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Aqua: I did when I was caught.

DBM: Was it sincere?

Aqua: Does it matter? She cheated back

DBM: And, is the baby your child?

Aqua: Yes. I did a DNA test.

DBM: Thank GOD! Now, baby is yours. What’s the next step?

Aqua: Filing for divorce.

DBM: That is your final decision?

Aqua: Final decision.

DBM: Have you started with the process?

Aqua: Not yet.

DBM: When do you intend to?

Aqua: Not sure but soon.

DBM: You still live in the same house?

Aqua: Yes, but sleeping in separate rooms.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Aqua: 5 years

DBM: That’s a young marriage. Do you want my opinion or you just needed to find a space to vent?

Aqua: What’s your opinion?

DBM: Maintain the separation arrangement and sleep in different rooms. Use the time to reflect on your individual actions and be happy on your own terms. Make little efforts to invest in the marriage if you still think you can one day be willing to show up – with a forgiving heart, to grant the mother of your child mercy. If you can see yourself, someday, extending grace on your wife, you will grow to want to rebuild the marriage from where you left of.

Aqua: You would have told a woman to leave her cheating husband. You and your biases

DBM: Well, guess what! The cheating husband in question was the one cheating on her first. Deal with it or take accountability.

Aqua: I can forgive her but not now.

DBM: That’s a great start. Anytime I choose to forgive someone it helps reduce the hate and dislike I have for the person. Genuine forgiveness also inspires a change in our behavior and encourages a healthy attitude towards rebuilding a relationship.

Aqua: But Dave, I’m still questioning whether we have to work things out. I still feel like I am done with her.

DBM: If you reflect on it and still come to the same conclusion, then don’t force to make it work. Not all marriages are meant to last.

Aqua: Thanks

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Children Are Always Watching

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Akuba: David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi

Akuba: Can you chat? I don’t have the clearness of mind to type my issue in length. I will flow if we discuss.

DBM: Sup?

Akuba: My daughter wants me to leave her father

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Akuba: 14

DBM: I see. Are you married to her dad?

Akuba: Yes

DBM: Okay! Why does she want you to leave him?

Akuba: She thinks I am not happy with him

DBM: What makes her think that?

Akuba: I don’t even know. Lol! Children.

DBM: Are you happily married?

Akuba: I am ok.

DBM: Define okay.

Akuba: I mean, it could have been worse but it’s not for now.

DBM: Are you happy?

Akuba: Not really

DBM: Why not?

Akuba: Dave, life is not all about my happiness.

DBM: I concur.

Akuba: Yeah. I can manage. I will be fine.

DBM: If you were presented an opportunity to redo marriage in your next life, would you still be doing it with the father of your daughter?

Akuba: Never

DBM: Why not?

Akuba: I don’t have a reason. I just wouldn’t. I would rather be single.

DBM: I see. Does he make you happy?

Akuba: He used to.

DBM: Why doesn’t he anymore?

Akuba: Dave, you might have to ask him because as I sit here right now, I don’t have an answer to that question.

DBM: That is rather unfortunate.

Akuba: I know. Life happens.

DBM: How do you intend explaining situations to your child?

Akuba: She will grow to understand

DBM: Understand what?

Akuba: Marriage and life and all.

DBM: Do you understand that your happiness, as her mother, is just as important to raising a healthy, well-developed child?

Akuba: I know

DBM: And that, if being with her father does not situate you in an environment that you can be 100% your authentic self and the best parent you know you can ever be to her, then it is hardly the best decision to be staying where you are, thinking ‘it could have been worse’.

Akuba: Yeah

DBM: Are you sure you are doing alright?

Akuba: I’m fine

DBM: When you put your marriage on the table, is it salvageable?

Akuba: I used to love my husband very much. It used to be the two of us against the world

DBM: Let’s put your marriage on the table. Is it salvageable?

Akuba: Yes

DBM: Good! Have you tried counselling?

Akuba: I have

DBM: How about him?

Akuba: I wouldn’t know. He is difficult to have a sit-down with to discuss our relationship.

DBM: Is your husband still interested in you?

Akuba: I doubt that

DBM: Are you interested in him?

Akuba: I don’t know

DBM: Are you sexually attracted to him?

Akuba: Sometimes. I don’t know, Dave. I don’t know

DBM: Do you still love him?

Akuba: I care about him, yes.

DBM: You love him?

Akuba: I love him

DBM: Are you in love with him?

Akuba: Not at the moment

DBM: But you could fall in love with him again if situations were to change for the better?

Akuba: Yes

DBM: Is he physically abusive?

Akuba: He almost hit me once. My daughter witnessed it

DBM: Is he verbally abusing you?

Akuba: Yes. Our daughter has been a witness to that also. A lot of it

DBM: Is he a good father to your child?

Akuba: He is

DBM: Is he a good husband to you?

Akuba: He used to, when we first married.

DBM: You have just one child, no?

Akuba: 2. A boy and a girl

DBM: How old is your son?

Akuba: 11

DBM: Your children are learning how to treat others by the example you and your husband are setting in how you treat each other.

Akuba: Are you married, David?

DBM: Yes, I am

Akuba: Do you look at your wife as though she’s not pretty enough to you anymore? Do you look at your wife as though you regret marrying her? Do you speak to her anyhow? Do you justify having affairs? Do you intentionally do things to frustrate, push or force your wife away from you and your marriage?

DBM: Is that what you are dealing with?

Akuba: Yes. I sometimes feel stuck and screwed in this marriage.

DBM: For the past seven years, I have come to understand that, I can use my words and actions to be a blessing or I can use my words and actions to be a curse to my partner. Even when I am justified; I mean, completely justified to be angry and upset – I am commanded by the Word of GOD to treat my partner with gentleness, kindness and understanding.

Akuba: You are making me cry. It’s not easy, David

DBM: You and your husband cannot under any circumstance expect more from your children than you both do out of yourselves. Your children are always watching and taking mental account. Is it really worth it to you, to keep a family dynamic together for your children’s sake?

Image Credit:  Marlon Schmeiski 

Date Me! (part 3)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

This is Nana. I am Bernice’s husband. My wife told me about your request to want to share some of our pictures from her Facebook. I want us to remain anonymous. Sorry. I know my wife wouldn’t mind but I do. But everything happened just as she said.

For her choice of dialogue in her submission, I can only say my wife can be extra in her delivery. When Bernice is telling our story to friends and family, you don’t get to hear just one story. You get to hear two: her version and mine. Her version is always sweeter because she knows how to spice it up with a bit of drama and liveliness.

Remembering peculiar incidents like ours differently doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. My wife’s emotions sometimes color her memory but that’s one of the things I love about her. It makes listening to her fun and entertaining. A few things my wife forgot to add. When I first proposed to her that afternoon at my house, she did not give an affirmative yes. I had to find out how she felt about me asking her dad for her hand in marriage.

Her father and I bonded at their house when she was about to marry Rex. Because I was going to be driving them to the church, I was there waiting and had the opportunity to be introduced to her family. When Rex failed to show up at the Chapel, Bernice’s mother came to join us in the car, but Bernice insisted to be left alone. I left with Bernice because she asked me to drive and go as far away from the situation. I called her father to inform him of where I was taking their daughter.

Her mother and father joined us in my house that evening to check on her. I wasn’t dreading spending time together with my father-in-law because he already approved of me because I was his daughter’s favorite boss at work. He had heard a lot about me from Bernice already. I informed both of her parents about my intentions that same evening and her father was in agreement. I felt they deserved to be informed because they both raised her. My mother-in-law was a bit hesitant initially but she came on board later on, when I assured her of my love for her daughter. I am a confident man and I was honest to her. I was going to take very good care of their daughter.

Just as my wife stated, we did the traditional marriage a month after my proposal. I wasn’t given a list. We were asked to just present the dowry bride wealth so her family members could consent to the marriage. I willingly gave a huge sum of money to be shared and that was it. A day was fixed for me to come and take my bride away. We signed in court the following month and we were officially married. There was no party. There was no merrymaking.

Bernice also forgot to add that, we did not have sex for over three months after we married. What she felt for Rex was real and I didn’t know if she was going to survive without him by her side. Being stood up on her wedding day was one of the hardest things for her to come to terms with. And I understood that. So, I gave her time to process her feelings and grieve her loss. Both of which were of utmost importance as they paved the way for my wife to finally move on to write a new chapter with me.

I love Bernice so much that, I was willing to allow her to be vulnerable and give herself time and space to cry. I was not afraid to join her sometimes to let all of our emotions out and cry together. I drafted a one-year leave request to HR on her behalf, and it was forwarded to me for approval. No one at work knew we had been married for almost a year and a half.

This version plus hers should sum up our full story. Thank you, guys.

Image Credit: Marayah Stumbo

 

Veg vs Non Veg

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hi David. My Jain wife is driving me nuts. She does not eat any animal flesh, be it meat, poultry or fish. She thinks healthy living only consists of fruits, nuts, vegetables, grains, seeds and pulses. Did I know all this before going ahead to marry her? Yes. I love my wife very much. The mutual love we share is the foundation of our journey. We also love God dearly, and I thought because we had that in common, we had something to build on. Now, I am beginning to doubt whether I was prepared for what I have taken on.

We’ve been married for two years and I don’t think I can continue with this vegetarian lifestyle. I really thought I could change her with time but she’s trying to turn me rather into a vegetarian. She cooks only veg at home. My understanding initially was, she was going to be preparing her veg meals while making my choice of non veg meals for me. That could have prevented any issues whatsoever. As long as we decide to respect each other’s choices and not force them into something else. But she’s not willing to cook two separate meals at home. Dave, I don’t know how to cook.

It ultimately became unbearable I started to lie to her. I would eat my pork and beef outside and I don’t know how she finds me out but she kind of figures it out. My wife will not allow me to have sex with her for about three days just to punish me. She wants me rather to adjust. Why doesn’t she want to adjust to non veg? I wish my wife ate meat and wouldn’t vomit at the sight or smell of it. It has gotten so bad that, when we have guests coming over, I have to secretly call those I know ahead of time to eat their preferred protein and be full before coming to our house to eat leaves. How can a woman in this day and age believe that pigs, goat, chicken, fish, snails etc. have a right to be free from human use? My wife is turning me into a vegetarian. Heeelppp!!!

Image Credit: Thirdman

Playboy Almost Retired

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Dave, please come to my rescue. My husband portrays himself to be well-to-do. People out there think he has money but I live with this man. I know the kind of hustle enabling him to feed himself and the family, or so I thought. I am recently finding out that he has bagged a sugar momma. It wasn’t just her. My husband basically targets women who have large purses to dupe. He forces himself to give these women attention, affection and is even trying to love them, all with the intention of making them give him money so he can take care of me and the children. From the information gathered on his phone, all the ladies know he is married to me and has children.

My husband is an Elder in church. He preaches. He leads people to Christ. And is living this fake moment, sleeping with me and two other women older than him. One is a divorcee and the other is a widow. I know my husband is very handsome, attractive, vibrant, aggressive and intelligent but should a married man be doing this to his loyal wife? My husband is a big liar; broke-smart for the streets but a hypocrite to the core. What hurts me the most is the type of conversations he’s been having with his friends. They all believe finding companionship, true love and the correct synergy should go hand in hand with someone with money.

I am broken and lost in the sea of vengeance. I want to teach him a bitter lesson. In fact, Dave, I want to become a widow. It’s amazing how a lot of young women have actually done well managing their deceased husband’s wills. He is not rich but he has made some money from these women he’s taking advantage of. I believe playboys should to be permanently placed on retirement I want to take over his savings and invest into lucrative ventures. I am so angry right now I feel like projecting all the hurt and anger on him. I want to take my power from being a victim. This level of betrayal has made it impossible for me to continue to love him.

I don’t want to do what I am considering doing. I don’t feel like speaking to him either, that is why I am pouring my frustrations on you. Please help me to calm myself down so I don’t do something stupid.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko 

The Waakye Seller

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Good evening, David. I want to share my love story but keep me anonymous. I have been married to the same woman for 16 years. She’s the lady seated next to me on my profile picture. I have not known any other woman but her. Before I met my wife, I was always praying for the perfect woman to marry. My wife used to sell waakye for her madam. She helped her cook it and then, she would come and sell. She had set her shop in a busy area near where I used to work.

I always thought she was beautiful but never gathered the courage to tell her. I was one of her loyal customers and she knew exactly how much I was going to spend every time it reached my turn to be served. We got to that stage of knowing each other on a first name basis. She was very popular in the neighborhood because of two things; the food was good and she was pretty. Every guy wanted to buy from her. I got jealous a few times I was in line to buy waakye because she knew almost all the guys by their first names. And the kinds of cars that would park by the roadside just to buy waakye. I felt some of the men wanted to flex with their rides just to catch her attention.

I was next in queue behind a ‘big’ man she was attending to who was asking her a number of personal questions. The man was assuring he could provide nice things for her if she would agree to date him. When I heard him say that, I remembered I also dress to look good just for her. It wasn’t completely for waakye or work. All the corporate guys in the queue were saying the right things and doing the right things to catch her attention. She finished serving the ‘big’ man and for the first time she asked, ‘Kwabena, what do you want?’

She realized I was fuming with jealousy. I wondered what she meant by ‘what did I want!’ Because she had already started topping my usual order with stew, eggs, gari, wele, shito and salad; wrapped in the banana leaf. She handed my food to me, took the money and whispered, “I want to know how you feel. I want to connect with your heart. All I desire is security and trust.”

From that day, I knew I had to pursue her because she was valuable enough to catch my full attention. She saw me beyond the customer she had retained. The fact that she liked me too made me want to be the perfect man for her at all cost. My focus shifted that day on the kind of life I wanted to live, and most importantly, the kind of boyfriend and husband I wanted to be. My favorite waakye seller was an amazing woman and I had to become an amazing man in order to love her well.

I have been a man of my word in the 16 years we’ve been together in holy matrimony. Not once have I dropped a vow because a beautiful woman gave me attention and opportunity. Not once have I considered backing out on my marriage or family or commitments. When we officially decided to be exclusive, I stopped flirting with other women. I was no longer casual texting or communicating with old and new flames. I stopped my eyes from lingering and wandering.

Some of us grew up watching parents do marriage anyhow. My father did not know how to do marriage right with my mother, and because of that, could not teach me what they did not know. So, when I got married, I made a decision to love everything about my waakye seller. The sacrifices this woman has made for me and our children; even how she runs our household. Whenever she shows up for me with intimacy, I am nothing but excited and happy to be one with her. Dave, my wife knows she cannot fail with me by her side and I am always validating and appreciating the little she does for me and the children. Not once have I made her feel unattractive. She’s beautiful and sexy and she’s comfortable flaunting all her assets before me. I have no expectations about how the mother of my children should look, perform in bed or even behave. We should not be the men burdening our wives because I am not.

Image Credit: Darkshade Photos

Worth Trying

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hi Dave. Thank you for this platform. I have been married for almost nine years and the last time I had sex with my husband was eight and a half years ago, on our honeymoon. He was involved in a very scary car accident after dropping his cousin who was his Best Man at our wedding, at the airport. He was on his way back to our hotel, according to his narration, when he saw a headlight coming his direction. He didn’t know how big or fast the approaching truck was. Thankfully, he survived. The truck driver however, died on the spot after his vehicle rolled several times through a fence. He was driving recklessly and it cost my husband dearly.

He’s been in a wheelchair since and had to deal with excessive pain in his back, hips and legs. It’s been a terrible experience not being able to enjoy marriage the way I had it planned in my head. I thought I was prepared for this whole ‘For better for worse’ and ‘In sickness and in health’ vow but Bruh, it’s no joke. I have managed to cope with the probable physical limitations he may have to live with, but I did not anticipate him losing his personality entirely too.

Marriage is no joke, Dave. People will say and do what helps their agenda, especially when you realize the kinks in the relationship has become knots. We were dancing to the tune of miscommunication which veered into resentment and disinterestedness. My husband emotionally pulled away and I did not see it coming. He wanted me to leave him because he didn’t believe I deserved him in his state. He gave up on me and I almost also did. His fears and concerns for me caused our disconnection. He did not see a reason in repairing what he was breaking each and every day with his attitude of not talking to me. He expected me to read his mind to know he was hurt for being in a wheelchair and unable to have sex with me.

I did not get married to him expecting to be divorced. That was not part of my plans, so I decided to take on the full spectrum of responsibilities, from becoming not just his wife but an amazing wife. I did not just become his nurse but the best of caregivers. I managed our household and did the best I could to cheer him up, even when he didn’t want to smile. I made him laugh and cry tears of joy. It was exhausting but I had to do it for my own mental health. I had to do it for my man, my husband, my best friend and lover; while I continued to work full-time.

Marriage is a lot of work when the unexpected befalls you. I had to change and be willing to do the work all by myself. I stopped myself from having to talk back at him before being loving. It was tough but it worked. It caused my husband to stop his bad attitude of needing love first before talking right at me. I had to tell myself many times to stop focusing on what was wrong in our marriage to what was right. I had to do the loving on this man who felt did not deserve my love. And I started to feel more love than I had ever felt for him.

I introduced pole dancing in our bedroom with the intent of impressing my husband with the sexiest and nastiest acrobatics my body could do. My goal worked and my husband now gets to be sexually stimulated with my beauty and poise. We do not have to always struggle to keep our marriage afloat. I chose to change myself to save my marriage. I am so glad I came to that realization. I stopped pointing fingers at the accident. I stopped pointing fingers at his wheelchair. I stopped pointing fingers at his inability to have an erection or have sex with me. I stopped pointing fingers at his attitude. I stopped blaming my husband for everything going wrong in our marriage. I stopped calling family and friends to vent or seek pity. I stopped being mean and decided to rather keep my emotions in check.

My husband is also changing for the better. Anytime he realizes that I am upset, and can sense my worries, pain or frustration, he takes a moment to understand what I am going through. He cares about my feelings. We are focused on building a healthier, happy marriage. And this is inspiring a positive change in our marriage and relationship towards one another. It was hard to let him off the hook to work on myself. But I dove into being a good wife, and it kept me interested in my husband and our marriage. It was worth it.

Image Credit: Jaycee300s 

Exploring Gray Areas

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Dave, no judgement. We know you. You think every black man is up to no good. That was just by the way. There was a time in my life that I had to be tilting the screen of my phone away from my wife anytime she walked by. A lot was happening on the apps on my phone that I didn’t want her to see. I had to be changing my passwords often because she was getting suspicious. It got to that point where privacy suddenly meant everything to me. I was in the wrong for having all these cheating tools hiding in plain sight.

I didn’t know she had installed Spynger and Eyezy to track activities on my phone, computer and cloud. She had access to all my SMS messages, call logs, photos, files and even my location. Things and contacts I had deleted, she had access to all. Dave, I work in IT, and mSpy had been installed and running quietly in the background, monitoring my social media posts, messages, friend lists, people I followed or chat with and I didn’t have a clue.
She gathered her evidence before confronting me. I didn’t have much to say because everything she was showing me did happen. She did not talk to me for two weeks. I came home from work one day and she told me she was no longer interested in having a monogamous relationship with me anymore. She wanted us to agree on guidelines that allowed us to screw or have emotional relations outside of our marriage. This is not an arrangement I was in favor of, but because I messed up first, I couldn’t fight it.
I asked if it was going to be purely sexual or we were allowed to look for emotional intimacy and she said she didn’t care. ‘Whatever happens, happens’. That was her response.

I also asked if we were going to play outside our marriage individually or together and she said individually. Dave, I love my wife and children and I do not want to raise my kids in two separate homes. That is why I was willing to allow her proposition in the first place, so she could even the score. I asked my wife how long she wanted the set-up to last so we could put the past behind us and get back to where we left off. She said the new arrangement was going to be our new normal. I’ve been thinking about this for sometime and have been wondering whether she’s opting for it because she already has someone in mind or she’s just not happy with our marriage?

I want to keep an open mind while I consider her offer. Though this might be the perfect opportunity for me to think outside the box about what more I might want sexually that I was afraid to ask previously, this eventually could also be the end of us if we are to open this door to explore the gray areas.

Image Credit: Sherman Trotz

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