Tag: Marriage

Let’s Talk To JJAS

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 159: June-July-August-September

DBM: Hello JJAS. How would you describe yourself?

JJAS: Not sure how

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

JJAS: Four

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

JJAS: I want to confess an affair I’m involved in to my wife. I am not sure whether or not I’d be making the right decision by volunteering this information.

DBM: Why the sudden need to tell her?

JJAS: I have a child on the way

DBM: With the other woman?

JJAS: Yes. And a child is not a secret I want to hide

DBM: Are you certain you’re prepared to share more information about your affair than you’d really want to?

JJAS: I don’t know, Dave

DBM: What do you know then?

JJAS: Do you think I should tell her what is happening?

DBM: What is happening?

JJAS: Oh, bro! But I just told you?

DBM: Which questions would be overly personal in your opinion, should she want to know details?

JJAS: I am not sure

DBM: Do you know what could make me confess an affair, assuming I’m involved in one?

JJAS: What?

DBM: If I respect my partner enough to want to tell the truth

JJAS: I respect my wife

DBM: Then she deserves the whole truth. You don’t have to hide anything from her.

JJAS: I need a favor

DBM: I’m all ears

JJAS: Can you act as my wife and ask me potential questions you would have asked?

DBM: I’ve been cheated on before, so I know the questions I asked my ex

JJAS: Can you role-play with me?

DBM: What, in your opinion, gave you permission to cheat on me?

JJAS: I felt neglected by you

DBM: Neglected in what sense?

JJAS: You take me for granted. You take our marriage for granted

DBM: Is the affair over?

JJAS: I don’t know

DBM: This should be a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ question

JJAS: Not really

DBM: Meaning, no?

JJAS: The affair is not over

DBM: Will it ever be over between you two?

JJAS: Maybe

DBM: Depending on what?

JJAS: I don’t know, man. Can you go to the next question? I don’t think my wife will ask these ones

DBM: Because you don’t think she’s got the smart?

JJAS: That’s not what I mean

DBM: How do you feel about what you’re doing outside of our marriage?

JJAS: I feel terrible

DBM: Do you even feel guilt?

JJAS: I do. I’m very sorry

DBM: Is this the first time you’re cheating on me?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: Is this the truth?

JJAS: Dave, it’s not the truth, but I can’t tell her that

DBM: Why not?

JJAS: It’s gonna make things worse, and I don’t want that

DBM: Well, in this role-play, I am acting as your wife, and I deserve to know the entire story

JJAS: This is not the first time I am cheating on you

DBM: When was the first?

JJAS: While we were dating

DBM: How many times have you been with other women while dating and married to me?

JJAS: 4 to 5 times

DBM: Which is which?

JJAS: Five times, bro

DBM: How many prior to marriage?

JJAS: Just 2

DBM: So, you’ve been with three other women since we married?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: Are you a serial cheater?

JJAS: I am not

DBM: How would you define a serial cheater?

JJAS: Serial cheaters are womanizers. I am not a womanizer

DBM: What are you?

JJAS: Next question

DBM: Do you know why I am asking this particular question?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: Why?

JJAS: You want to know if you can trust me

DBM: No! I’m asking to figure out whether or not you are capable of changing your behavior.

JJAS: I can change

DBM: How?

JJAS: I know I can change

DBM: What do you really feel about me?

JJAS: I love you very much, and it is unfortunate that this has happened

DBM: What has happened?

JJAS: This

DBM: What is ‘this’?

JJAS: Dave

DBM: Yeah

JJAS: Next question

DBM: Did you think about me while engaging in all ‘this’?

JJAS: Not really

DBM: On a scale of 1 to 10, how emotionally invested are you into me and our marriage?

JJAS: 10

DBM: It cannot be 10, if you’re having an affair elsewhere

JJAS: Nine?

DBM: Smh!

JJAS: Hmmm!

DBM: Does she know you’re married?

JJAS: She does

DBM: Does she know about me?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: What have you told her about us?

JJAS: She understands that I love my wife and children, and will never leave nor forsake them. She also knows I will not marry any other woman in addition to my wife

DBM: How does she feel about being the other woman?

JJAS: She knows her place and what not to expect from me

DBM: What’s her place?

JJAS: She cannot come between me and you

DBM: She’s already in there, somewhere. Why is she in a relationship with a married man?

JJAS: I can’t answer that question for her

DBM: How does she feel about you?

JJAS: She loves me

DBM: As in, in love?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: For how long has this been going on between you two?

JJAS: Almost three years

DBM: Are you emotionally invested in that relationship?

JJAS: You want the truth?

DBM: Yes please

JJAS: It’s a beautiful relationship that I would love for it to continue for the long haul

DBM: Why?

JJAS: It’s different from what we have

DBM: How different?

JJAS: I don’t think I can explain it like that

DBM: What is she offering you that I am not bringing to the table?

JJAS: She’s always available to me. You have a lot going on with you all the time

DBM: A lot going on with me in what sense?

JJAS: Work, motherhood, complacency, etc. You’re always stressed or tired, etc.

DBM: That is the wrong I did to warrant an affair?

JJAS: That’s not what I am saying

DBM: Does she work?

JJAS: Yes, but she is always making time for me

DBM: I used to make time for you, no?

JJAS: Yes, when we used to date. Now, you’ve changed

DBM: So, that is what she’s doing better than me?

JJAS: Something like that

DBM: How many kids do you have with your wife?

JJAS: 2

DBM: Is this other lady also a mother of two?

JJAS: No

DBM: Has she a child?

JJAS: She’s pregnant

DBM: Are you responsible for the pregnancy?

JJAS: I am

DBM: How easy was it for you to be lying to me?

JJAS: It hasn’t been easy, Dave. It’s a constant battle to tell or not to tell

DBM: Are you in love with her

JJAS: I am

DBM: You see a future with her?

JJAS: I already have a future

DBM: With whom?

JJAS: You

DBM: And, what does it look like?

JJAS: It could be better

DBM: I see

JJAS: What do you see?

DBM: An end to our marriage

JJAS: My wife will not say that

DBM: How do you know?

JJAS: I know her. She believes in marriage and hates raising children outside of marriage.

DBM: Okay!

JJAS: Are you done with the questions?

DBM: I am

JJAS: What would you have done in her shoes?

DBM: I already answered that question

JJAS: When?

DBM: Before you assured me your wife wouldn’t see what I could see

JJAS: An end?

DBM: The END

JJAS: You cannot forgive a mistake? Should every little thing end in divorce?

DBM: Forgiveness is something that only takes place between me and GOD

JJAS: Explain

DBM: When someone I trust, intentionally hurts my feelings, I go to GOD on my knees and work out the forgiveness bit of it. I do not come to you to discuss forgiveness because I want to let you off the hook. I choose to forgive, not because I want to set you free. Only GOD can save you from your deeds.

JJAS: You will not forgive me?

DBM: I choose to forgive simply because GOD wants to set me free

JJAS: Hmmm

DBM: Participant 157, Kerry, left a question for you: ‘If you had Ghs 155,000 in your account, and your husband or wife stole Ghs 15,000 from you, would you be upset and throw all the remaining Ghs 140,000 away in hopes of getting back at your husband or wife? Or move on and live?’

JJAS: I will keep the 140k. It’s better to hold on to something than nothing at all. 15k can be re-made in a couple of years to come.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

JJAS: What can you do to help my wife heal from this confession?

DBM: Thank You!

Image Credit: Afeez Ajibola Yusuf

Let’s Talk to Aggrey and Lora

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 158a: Aggrey. I am doing this with my wife.

Participant 158b: My name is Lora

DBM: Hi Aggrey and Lora. How would you describe yourselves?

Aggrey: I am a man willing to understand my wife’s point of view, and listen to anything she has to say. I am 44 years

Lora: I’m a wife and mother. I’ve been married for 12 years. I’m a lawyer by profession, and always want to hear the truth, because I try to tell you what I believe is the truth.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Aggrey: 8

Lora: I am 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Aggrey: I came across your Blog and the conversations you’ve been having with people. I shared it with my wife, months ago to read, and we’ve both expressed interest in participating. We’ve agreed to put our marriage under your microscope

DBM: Hehehe

Aggrey: You can ask us any question

DBM: That includes uncomfortable questions?

Lora: Yes

DBM: Okay! What are you astoundingly good at?

Aggrey: I have the ability to have good fun. I also know how to express my feelings, desires and needs without mincing words. I know how to make you laugh.

Lora: That’s very true. We have a lot of humor in our marriage, and we know how to laugh together. What he forgot to also add, he makes his relationship with me a priority, no matter what.

Aggrey: Oh! I do?

DBM: Lol!

Lora: Yes dear, you do. You choose to always spend your free time with me.

Aggrey: But I spend my Friday nights drinking with buddies too

Lora: True, but you’re home before 9:30 pm. You’ve been consistent with that over the years

Aggrey: I guess, I try to be considerate with your feelings. And I want nothing more than to make you as happy as possible

Lora: I am truly happily married to you

DBM: Happy wife, happy life couldn’t be more true

Lora: Exactly!

DBM: What are you amazingly good at, Lora?

Lora: I’m good at making my marriage awesome. I do not compare my marriage to the ones I see around me, especially, on social media. I am good at discussing everything with my husband; if I am happy, I tell him about it. If I am worried about something, I tell him about it. If I am getting scared, confused or in fear, I tell him about it. If I accomplish something, I tell him about it

DBM: And, is he genuinely interested in listening to you?

Aggrey: I love to see my wife thrive and smile

Lora: I am also very good at my job. I am a combination of high intelligence, strong analytical and advocacy skills; I have the ability to communicate effectively – both in verbal and writing. I am passionate about my practice area, and have grasped excellence as an expert in my field. I appreciate the business side of law, but I am more conscious about the outcomes of my arguments.

DBM: What’s the last book that you couldn’t put down?

Aggrey: ‘Lucky Me: A Memoir of changing the odds’ by Rich Paul

Lora: ‘A Heart That Works’ by Rob Delaney. I am currently reading ‘The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Man’ by Paul Newman

DBM: What did you want to be when you were 15 years old?

Lora: A lawyer

Aggrey: I’m not sure what I wanted to become at that age. I wasn’t a serious kid

DBM: What do you place first in life?

Aggrey: Me, myself and I

Lora: God, followed by my own needs; and then that of my husband’s, children and others

Aggrey: Dave, can you answer the same question?

DBM: I have a personal relationship and communion with GOD, and so, like Lora, I try to do right by GOD. And then, would do right by myself. The third would be, to do right by those I love.

Aggrey: Nice

DBM: What one thing do you enjoy doing with your partner?

Aggrey: Sex isn’t the most important thing in my world, but it is one of my top needs in our relationship. I enjoy watching my wife walk in a lingerie in the bedroom. I’m a very visual guy, so she looking sexually desirable, gets me into the mood. One thing she does every Friday evening when I return home from work or out drinking with my guys is, I will enter our bedroom, and she’s sprawled on our bed, in one of her delicate and sexy lingerie, waiting to play. I get instantly aroused.

Lora:  I enjoy date nights with my husband. Once every week, we go out clubbing, dancing or partying. Other times too, we just go out to eat and talk. We go on road trips or just decide to travel outside of Accra. If we are not doing any of these things, we’re out going for a stroll, in a slow, relaxed way for our enjoyment. Some of these simple things aren’t tied to a tight budget. Enjoying a moment with the one you love shouldn’t always be about money.

DBM: What is your favorite memory from when you were dating? And, what do you think made it so fun?

Lora: My favorite memory with him from the past is still my present, fortunately for me

DBM: You care to share?

Lora: The effort he put into wooing me. How he pursued me. How he would date me. How he would take me out on a regular basis – just the two of us. Till date, he still plans for us to get away from the house, just to be alone with me.

Aggrey: The friendship we built is my favorite memory of us. The fun aspect of it would be how I managed to always persuade her to keep her trust in me.

DBM: Which of your body parts is your favorite?

Lora: My brain would be my favorite part. I think it’s what makes me who I am

Aggrey: Mine is my broad shoulders

DBM: What is your favorite part of who you are?

Lora: My honesty and ability to listen and learn. My husband knows I will remain faithful and will not cheat on him

Aggrey: I’m a protector, the defender of my family. I take ownership in leading my wife and children. I’m proud of the way I love unconditionally and sacrificially.

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Aggrey: Yes

DBM: How long ago?

Aggrey: 9 years ago

DBM: Was it a one-time thing?

Aggrey: It happened twice

DBM: With the same person?

Aggrey: No

DBM: Why did you cheat?

Aggrey: I traveled and had gotten so horny. I was also feeling lonely

DBM: Does your wife know about it?

Aggrey: Yes. We discussed it, and she suggested I got laid

DBM: She suggested what?

Lora: I gave him permission to find a woman to fuck

DBM: Did he place such a request before you?

Lora: No!

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband before?

Lora: I have not

DBM: Are you okay with the idea of your husband sleeping with other people?

Lora: I am not, but if I am not in the position to satisfy him at any point in time, I will not mind giving him permission to find someone to satisfy his needs.

DBM: Will you be okay with your wife sleeping with other men?

Aggrey: No

DBM: Why not?

Aggrey: Her emotions may get involved, if she ends up liking the other guy

DBM: Emotions are not involved in your escapades?

Aggrey: What I did in the past was just for the sex

DBM: Had your wife not suggested what she did, would you still have cheated?

Aggrey: Probably

DBM: And, would you have come clean to her?

Aggrey: As in, tell her?

DBM: Yeah!

Aggrey: Probably not

DBM: Why not?

Aggrey: I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings

DBM: If you could invite any one person into your bed, who would it be and why?

Aggrey: Into my bedroom in the presence of my wife?

DBM: Yes

Aggrey: That is simple: Anita A. Akuffo. She reminds me of my wife. She has a bubbly personality, and just like my wife, she looks her most confident when she’s smiling, laughing or dancing. I don’t like TV but I watch TV because of her

Lora: I wouldn’t mind a threesome with John Dumelo. No, I would prefer my husband rather takes a seat to watch us in bed. He’s very handsome, and gentle. His arms can cuddle and treat a woman tenderly.

DBM: Is there a sexual act that you would like to try, but afraid to ask your partner?

Aggrey: My wife and I have tried a lot of different stuff when it comes to sex

Lora: I’d love to try sex in our car, at night, in town

Aggrey: We can plan and try it before the year ends? It can be fun

DBM: Do you think you have grown lazy in your relationship?

Lora: I don’t think so. I am still excited about my husband and our marriage

Aggrey: Our relationship is active and strong.

DBM: What is your favorite kind of porn to watch?

Lora: LOL!

DBM: Wait! Let me rephrase the question: How do you feel about your spouse watching porn?

Lora: I’ve caught my husband watching porn so many times. I am not bothered by it. We sometimes watch porn together in bed; it’s fun to watch fun stuff and talk nasty with him sometimes.

Aggrey: I love porn

DBM: How do you take each other for granted?

Aggrey: I wish I could participate more with household support.

Lora: I don’t want to do life alone, and I know you do your best to keep me happy. Just increase your participation in raising our kids, and most importantly, in decision making.

Aggrey: I will try

DBM: Thank you, Aggrey and Lora.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To Price

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 156: Price

DBM: Hi Price. How would you describe yourself?

Price: I am where I am meant to be in life, and with the one I am meant to be with

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Price: I would say, 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Price: I want to talk about Mercy

DBM: Who is Mercy?

Price: My beautiful wife

DBM: That’s nice to know

Price: She’s been the perfect helper for me all these years

DBM: How long have you two been married?

Price: We are in our 25th year this year

DBM: Congratulations!

Price: Thank you!

DBM: What makes Mercy stand out and not blend in?

Price: My wife is very capable. She’s smart, loyal to a fault; a strong woman, merry and genuine with her actions towards me

DBM: How did you meet?

Price: She used to sell close to my former workplace and I used to buy from her

DBM: What was she selling?

Price: Kenkey and fish

DBM: Ga or Fante kenkey?

Price:  Kɔmi

DBM: I see

Price: Yeah

DBM: At what point did you know you were in love with her?

Price: I knew for the first time, the day I heard some of my colleagues at work discussing her

DBM: Discussing her in what manner?

Price: One wanted to pursue and just have sex with her

DBM: And, what was going through your mind after hearing this?

Price: I thought she didn’t deserve to be played

DBM: What made you any different from the other guy?

Price: I was interested in investing in her business

DBM: Why?

Price: Because she made good kenkey, and her shito was really good

DBM: It was business for you then, no?

Price: Business with a certain level of interest

DBM: Did you ever tell her the kenkey and shito were that good?

Price: I did, and so did everyone

DBM: When was the second time you knew you were that much into her?

Price: When I would go to her house to help her prepare the aflata.

DBM: What is ‘aflata’?

Price: It’s the fermented dough cooked with water. I would help her add it to the uncooked dough, before forming it into balls and steamed.

DBM: You knew how to make kenkey prior to meeting her?

Price: No! She taught me the process and I ended up practicing with her. I was the one also putting the corn husks in the bowl of warm water to soften, until they were pliable. I learnt a lot from her.

DBM: What else did you learn from her, aside the kenkey preparation?

Price: A lot. They weren’t direct lessons though. For example, I learned how to thrive in the workforce from her work ethic. I also got to understand that, in as much as she wanted a husband who had earning power, she wasn’t looking for a man to be the sole provider. I got to appreciate her ability to accept a man for who he is. In fact, prior to dating, we had become really good friends and had mutual circle of friends. She was, and still is attracted to smart men because education is important to her. She has a masters degree. She had a bachelors in Marketing when she used to sell kenkey.

DBM: Interesting

Price: Yeah!

DBM: Why do you think she liked you?

Price: I think she knew I was the real deal

DBM: Meaning?

Price: I had her best interest at heart. She knew I cared about her and was willing to help and support her the best way I could. She knew my work wasn’t as important to me as building a home and family. Emotionally, we were both mature; she knew she could count on me. I am trustworthy and good looking. Lol!

DBM: Smh!

Price: It’s the truth, Dave. I’m fine as hell. But on a more serious note, I was attracted to her positive energy and I loved her kind heart. Mercy is hands down, the sweetest, most loving and caring, hardworking woman I know. She is a great wife, excellent mother and my best friend.

DBM: What are some of the downs you’ve had to face in the marriage?

Price: I had one or two affairs, which I am not proud of. She caught me at a point, and separated from me. That was one of the difficult moments in our marriage.

DBM: Why did you cheat on her?

Price: She fell ill, and was bedridden for almost a year. I wasn’t getting any from her and so I thought it was okay to get it elsewhere.

DBM: Did you love whoever you were getting it from?

Price: It was strictly sex. My family is incredibly important to me

DBM: Okay!

Price: Another low was when one of our kids died

DBM: That could be the ultimate tragedy

Price: There is nothing more devastating. It takes a whole lot more than dedication to live through such a loss

DBM: There are no words

Price: Hmmm!

DBM: How did Mercy get over the news of your affair?

Price: My wife, first and foremost, is a forgiving person. She’s still not healed totally from my betrayal and I doubt there is any guarantee she’d be able to. I had to put a stop to it and was willing to completely, call it quits. There hasn’t been any form of communication or friendship between me and the other women. I had to go on my knees to apologize to my wife and children.

DBM: Children?

Price: I had to take responsibility and also let her feel my remorse through my children. I wasn’t willing to lose the woman I love. I had to even forfeit my rights to privacy. I made everything (phones, passwords, location, etc.) available to her perusal.

DBM: Participant 155, Jude, left a question for you: ‘What would you have done differently, if you were in my shoes?’

Price: If I were in Jude’s shoes, I would have stood by my wife’s decision. Dave, my wife makes me. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s true. Mercy does complete me. Our wives are always the ones picking up the slack when we are or not around, and usually do this with all the support they know they can give to make things alright.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Price: Do you have the courage to be lonely?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Austin J. Best 

Let’s Talk To Jude

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 155: Name is Jude

DBM: Hello Jude. How would you describe yourself?

Jude: A widower. I am also a single-father

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Jude: Three

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Jude: When I am at work, everything seems okay, as if nothing has happened to me. But then I come home to an empty house; no wife, no home cooked meal. I have to now go to the kitchen and cook for myself. She was more than just my wife; she was my fashion designer. She chose what I wore because she had the perfect eye for dressing. I never imagined I would be grieving the loss of my wife, my best friend. I feel completely lost, Dave. I miss my wife so much. A huge part of me is absent.

DBM: How long were you married?

Jude: We would have been 10 years in December, 2023

DBM: How did she die?

Jude: She felt bloated and constipated, after undergoing surgery. She donated her kidney to our daughter. She was hospitalized for four nights due to the rate of her recovery process. According to the doctor, she could have lived a normal life with just one kidney. The hospital claims her death was not as a result of the surgery nor kidney failure. I have still not been able to process everything that I am feeling at the moment.

DBM: Which surgical procedure was performed?

Jude: Laparoscopic, I heard

DBM: You heard?

Jude: I was not consulted before undergoing the surgery.

DBM: You did not know about it?

Jude: My wife brought it up for discussion and I was emphatic about my disapproval of her decision.

DBM: Why were you against it?

Jude: Our daughter’s kidneys had begun to lose their function and were worsening over time. The disease had reached its late-stage and required dialysis and a transplant.

DBM: Which stage was your daughter’s condition?

Jude: Stage 5. Her GFR (mL/min) was less than 15. She had trouble concentrating, she couldn’t sleep, had puffy eyes, was vomiting every now and then; her skin started to darken, her urine was foamy, etc. Dave, a whole lot was going on with our daughter, I preferred her dead. She became numb more times than I had seen her smile or laugh.

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Jude: One

DBM: I shared a synopsis of your situation on my Facebook timeline, five days ago, and asked people who had questions for you to send them to me. This is from Richard Qophi Testimony: “What factors or considerations led you to make such a difficult choice between your daughter and your wife?”

Jude: When I was dating my late wife, I made it clear that my priority was mainly to build a life with her. My job as a parent is not to protect my daughter. My job is to raise her with high self-esteem. My wife was the love of my life way before we even got pregnant. And nothing about my love for her changed, even after welcoming our daughter into our lives. Unfortunately, her attention switched from me to our daughter. When our daughter became seriously ill, and ultimately, a financial burden, one of the doctors suggested we considered letting her die peacefully – since we are still young and can get pregnant again. I thought through it thoroughly, and I was going to choose my wife over my daughter.

DBM: In your household, what are your priority list?

Jude: My needs come first, the needs of my wife come second, my daughter’s needs come third, and then that of my household needs as fourth.

DBM: This question is from Tracee Fry-Annan: “Will you consider therapy?”

Jude: I am not in the mood for therapy

DBM: Ruckie Ama Oboubi asks, “Do you see your wife’s decision to donate her kidney to your daughter as a form of guarantee towards her own total recovery?

Jude: Unfortunately, no. I see it as selfishness on her part.

DBM: Ruckie has a second question: “Would you have been proud of your mother if she had made a similar sacrifice for you, irrespective of your father’s disapproval?

Jude: Yes

DBM: Why is that?

Jude: Because she is my mother. My mother is not my wife.

DBM: When a woman is pregnant, her maternal love grows along with the baby in her womb. You know that, no?

Jude: I know

DBM: Your wife’s life took on a new meaning and suddenly was filled with the spirit of selflessness, no?

Jude: Yes

DBM: A woman’s child automatically becomes her topmost priority when her baby is born, you know that, no? Giving up so many things become natural to a mother. So far as it’s for the good of her child, she would do it without really thinking twice.

Jude: That is why I had an agreement with my late wife before we got married and pregnant, not to shift our priorities no matter what. And she agreed to it.

DBM: Simnyewuni Cinta asks, “Would you have been able to watch the love of your life wallow in grief for losing her only child?”

Jude: I would have been by her side to mourn our daughter. She wouldn’t have been going through loss all by herself. My wife knew in her heart that she could come to me with anything, at any time; no matter what the issue was, and no matter what mood I was in.

DBM: She came to you with a difficult decision that made absolute sense to her. And what did you say?

Jude: You will not understand me, Dave. I had a pact with my wife.

DBM: Regardless, she consulted you before making this big decision that has affected you both.

Jude: And what came out of her big decision?

DBM: Your daughter’s good health and being alive

Jude: To the detriment of?

DBM: Hmmm! Anane Wisdom Cyke Mawulolo wants to know the age of your daughter?

Jude: She’s seven years old.

DBM: Yaw Aboagye asks, “What was the survival rate of the surgery? And, what caused the death of your wife during recovery?

Jude: Her doctor says she had over 89% chance of surviving. They still do not know what caused her death.

DBM: Participant 154, Kuukua, left a question for you: ‘Do you think people are replaceable?’

Jude: My wife is not replaceable. I will not allow myself to be placed in a position of supplication.

DBM: Is your daughter replaceable?

Jude: Next question, please!

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Jude: What would you have done differently, if you were in my shoes?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Yusuf Çelik

Let’s Talk To Forrest

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 151: Forrest

DBM: Hello Forrest. How would you describe yourself?

Forrest: I’m in need of a distraction of a sort from the pressure that comes with being a husband. I want what I want out there, but with the security of a wife still intact at home.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Forrest: I’m a 6 now

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Forrest: My wife traveled to go further her education. It’s a decision we both agreed on. It’s also been her desire to pursue higher education. But most importantly, I did not want to come across as a control freak, regulating my wife in what she can or cannot do. I want to be the best husband possible when it comes to encouraging the mother of my children to achieve her dreams.

DBM: That’s commendable. Marriage, under no circumstance should oppress anyone, especially, women from sustaining that momentum in their lives. I think it is the responsibility of every married man to help guide their wife’s focus, when it comes to their academic pursuit.

Forrest: I want the best for my wife

DBM: Exactly! So, give her enough room to manage the aspirations she can measure, and also, pursue the choice she decides on

Forrest: She’s back from the study and I am very proud of her. The problem I am unable to deal with is, in her absence, one of her close friends used to come by with cooked meals and other forms of help to support me. At first, it was purely friendship and we both acknowledged it for what it was. But it grew into something else

DBM: Something else like what?

Forrest: An attraction

DBM: On your side or hers?

Forrest: Both sides

DBM: At the same time?

Forrest: I think so

DBM: Who was the first to draw the other’s attention to their feelings?

Forrest: I was

DBM: And, what did she say?

Forrest: She had been feeling it too.

DBM: Your wife knew about her bringing in food, etc.?

Forrest: She knew the first time she brought in foodstuff, but I stopped telling her when I realized I liked her friend.

DBM: Liked her in which capacity?

Forrest: I didn’t know then, to what extent

DBM: What else does your wife know about your engagements with her friend?

Forrest: Not much

DBM: Is she a single woman?

Forrest: No, she’s married

DBM: You know her husband?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: What else have you done with this woman?

Forrest: Hmmm! A lot

DBM: Have you kissed?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: Have you had sex?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: How many times?

Forrest: A number of times

DBM: You’ve slept with her in your matrimonial bed?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: How many times?

Forrest: A number of times

DBM: Has she any kids?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: How does she manage to come to your house if she has a family of her own?

Forrest: We were making time for it

DBM: Forgive me for asking these questions but I want to gain insight into your reasons for cheating

Forrest: I understand

DBM: Why did you cheat?

Forrest: Emotionally, I didn’t feel connected with my wife due to her absence

DBM: What is your definition of emotional connection?

Forrest: Physical affection and sex

DBM: Meaning, this is something you know of yourself?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: Your wife knows this too about you, no?

Forrest: Not really, though she knows I love sex

DBM: Prior to her absence, had there been any records of infidelity on your part?

Forrest: Once or twice

DBM: That she knew of?

Forrest: No

DBM: Were there underlying issues that might have contributed to all these?

Forrest: No, we have a good relationship

DBM: Was the affair with your wife’s friend purely physical or emotional?

Forrest: I’ve fallen in love with her

DBM: When did you realize this?

Forrest: Six to seven months after my wife had left the country

DBM: How long have you been married?

Forrest: Almost 10 years

DBM: Were you using protection with this woman?

Forrest: Not really

DBM: How about with the other ladies?

Forrest: Yes, but not always

DBM: Is there a reason why you are unable to talk to your wife about what is going on in your life?

Forrest: I don’t want to hurt her feelings

DBM: Will there come a time you believe you can be honest to your wife about your feelings for her friend, and maybe, try to explain your reasons why?

Forrest: I’m not sure

DBM: Do you feel what you’re doing is bad?

Forrest: I don’t know

DBM: Why don’t you know?

Forrest: It’s confusing

DBM: Are you a good man?

Forrest: I think I am

DBM: Is this woman also in love with you?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: So, what’s the plan?

Forrest: We’ve decided to keep our distance, now that my wife is back

DBM: Till when?

Forrest: Till we can get over the feelings

DBM: So, you’re going to cut contact with her, all at once?

Forrest: No

DBM: Is this love, something you feel you deserved?

Forrest: Yes. It was good for me

DBM: Because it filled a vacuum?

Forrest: Not really. I think because it was different

DBM: Meaning, you could have still felt this way about her, whether or not your wife had traveled?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: You’re certain both of you have the correct expectations about your future?

Forrest: For now, yes. Ours respective families should come first.

DBM: Participant 150, Ozigbodi, left a question for you: ‘What has been on your heart or mind lately?’

Forrest: My wife. My marriage. My family, and my feelings for the other woman, and what it represents.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Forrest: How do you process the feelings of confusion or loss?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

 

Let’s Talk To Ozigbodi

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 150: Ozigbodi

DBM: Hi Ozigbodi. How would you describe yourself?

Ozigbodi: My life involves growth

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ozigbodi: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ozigbodi: I smile now, and for the first time in my life I don’t feel alone. I feel so comfortable with myself. I think I am in love, but I am not so sure. How does it feel like to fall in love?

DBM: Is this your first relationship?

Ozigbodi: No

DBM: Is it your first time feeling this way with a man?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: How long have you known this person?

Ozigbodi: We’ve been friends for nine years

DBM: What type of friendship?

Ozigbodi: He is my boss at work. Acquaintances, no strings attached. But I knew the first day we talked in his office, that we were going to be great friends. He felt comfortable talking to me about his personal issues; with time, I was also able to put my walls down to trust him with my personal information.

DBM: Was he single when you first met?

Ozigbodi: He is a divorcee

DBM: Okay! So, single then?

Ozigbodi: To the best of my knowledge, yes. We’ve grown closer in the years as best friends.

DBM: Are you having sex with him?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: For how long?

Ozigbodi: Since 2017

DBM: I see

Ozigbodi: I used to be married too

DBM: How long were you married?

Ozigbodi: 5 years. We divorced in 2014

DBM: What led to the end of your marriage?

Ozigbodi: It was really not anyone’s fault. My ex-husband was a great man. We were just not compatible. We were two very different people and our priorities couldn’t align. That’s what I think broke our marriage.

DBM: To the extent that it was beyond repair?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: So, on what grounds was the divorce filed?

Ozigbodi: Incompatibility

DBM: You had kids?

Ozigbodi: Yes, two

DBM: Are you compatible with the new relationship?

Ozigbodi: I am the first person he calls to share every detail of his day with. And, this has been him since we both realized our friendship was good for us.

DBM: Can you date back to this particular day?

Ozigbodi: Yes, it was the 19th of September, 2012. A Wednesday, to be precis

DBM: This is the date you also knew there could be more to the friendship?

Ozigbodi: Yes! I found myself acknowledging that he was the first person I would call every evening, to share every detail of my day with. Even though we worked at the same firm. My ex-husband also seemed to have found his person he enjoyed sharing details of his day with.

DBM: Do you know why your current guy got divorced?

Ozigbodi: Yes, adultery or cheating

DBM: With whom?

Ozigbodi: Not sure. I didn’t want details

DBM: But he did the cheating?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: Alright!

Ozigbodi: He has made the effort to reorganize and reimage his life to please me. What will make me happy is his priority now. I do same for him.

DBM: Good for the both of you. So, what’s the way forward?

Ozigbodi: I want marriage

DBM: You’ve discussed it with him?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: And?

Ozigbodi: I’ve told him I cannot imagine dating him for all these years, doing the cohabiting thing, and giving him and our relationship my everything without him also considering putting a ring on it.

DBM: Is marriage what he wants?

Ozigbodi: Not at the moment

DBM: But it’s a possibility?

Ozigbodi: I don’t know. I know he wants to have a child with me. I know he enjoys being intimate with me. I know he wants to make and share a home with me

DBM: But he doesn’t want to make you, his wife?

Ozigbodi: Hmmm!

DBM: Is he financially fit?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: What’s his concern?

Ozigbodi: He thinks marriage will twinge his current lifestyle.

DBM: Which is what?

Ozigbodi: Late-night out with his friends, and the freedom to do whatever makes him happy

DBM: I see

Ozigbodi: He doesn’t want a situation where he has to go through another divorce. He’s also told me he feels comfortable with the security of his financial assets if no woman is his wife. He says a wife will take all his money if there is to be a divorce

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Ozigbodi: Do I need marriage to legitimize my relationship with my boyfriend?

DBM: I know many people who are okay committing their lives to their partners outside of marriage. Question is, is that what you want?

Ozigbodi: No!

DBM: Participant 149, Sipho, left a question for you: ‘how do you evaluate success?’

Ozigbodi: When I am authentic in my dealings while loving what I do. I feel like a success right now because I am committed to what I love.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ozigbodi: What has been on your heart or mind lately?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Adrienne Andersen

Let’s Talk To Sipho and Annika

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 149a: Sipho

Participant 149b: My name is Annika

DBM: Hello Sipho and Annika. How would you describe yourselves?

Sipho: A very sensual man

Annika: Blindly loyal to those I love and care about

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sipho: 9.5

Annika: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Sipho: Me and my wife have been married for 17 years. We separated when we clocked the seventh year, and almost divorced on our 10th anniversary. The emotional connection was no longer there on her part, and I wasn’t getting sex from home. In fact, she wasn’t giving me any sex, so I had to get it from somewhere else. Our children became her priority, and I felt neglected and was ready to equally throw in the towel. I asked her one day if she wanted a divorce and she said no.

DBM: Why did you say no?

Annika: I took responsibility for my part in the failure of our relationship. I think that was what reformed the entire dynamic of our marriage.

DBM: What made you take this decision?

Annika: One of us had to change, and I was the unhappy spouse. I felt no one else could save my marriage but me.

DBM: Sir, did you want the marriage as at that time?

Sipho: Very much. We did not set out on this journey to be unhappy. Our marriage used to be so much fun when we used to agree with each other.

DBM: Mrs. what did you think you were doing wrong?

Annika: The way I talked to him, sometimes was bad. I blamed him a lot for so many things, it turned us away from each other. I had to learn how to turn towards him with a good attitude.

DBM: Before she stopped giving you sex to make you want it somewhere else, had you been cheating on your wife?

Sipho: No

DBM: How important is sex in your marriage?

Sipho: What my wife couldn’t understand was that, I always wanted to have sex with her because I love her. It wasn’t just about sex. She cuddles for hours and fall asleep in my arms, and that, is love, and should be enough in her opinion. Not that I don’t like cuddling; I love to cuddle. A cuddle that leads to sex is love for me. I would touch her in a certain way, and suddenly would be too tired to follow through. My wife could have a headache for a week, all because she knew I wanted to have sex with her. I would touch her in the evenings and, ‘not tonight’ automatically comes out of her mouth. She was never ready for me when I was ready.

DBM: Was she at any given time initiating sex with you for a change?

Sipho: No

DBM: Why were you withholding sex from your husband?

Annika: I was hurt. Many of the times he wanted to be intimate with me, I was so upset with him to even imagine him touching me.

DBM: Do you think you want sex with your husband as much as he wants to be intimate with you?

Annika: Of course

DBM: How often do you have sex now in a week?

Annika: Almost the whole week

Sipho: Twice a week

DBM: Lol!

Annika: Twice, you say?

Sipho: Yes. Last week, we did it on Monday and Thursday. Have you forgotten?

DBM: Interesting 😊

Annika: It seemed more than that to me

DBM: You two are actually making me realize, men and women view the whole sex-frequency thing differently. Twice a week feels like seven days a week to you, while twice means just two times in a week for him. I want to know something: what does sex mean to you, individually?

Sipho: Dave, you really want to know?

DBM: Yes please

Sipho: If I see a towel wrapped around my wife, erection springs. If my hand accidentally brushes her butt, my penis is provoked. So, you can imagine what happens in my body when I see her come out of the shower naked?

DBM: Yes

Annika: Lol! That’s all you guys know

Sipho: It’s an appetite; a special kind of food I want to eat every day. I get hungry if I’m not fed sex. That is my finest way of connecting with my wife. It’s my love language. If I am to get the kind of sex I want with my wife, home will feel like home to me. I feel and experience true love through sex, regular sex I mean. Ask any man, and he will tell you something similar.

DBM: Mrs. it’s your turn

Annika: What you’re not also understanding from my part is, love isn’t always bodily measured. Sex is important to me too

Sipho: We went out on a date to celebrate our wedding anniversary. At the restaurant, I passed a lingerie under the table and signaled her to go change into it at the ladies’, my wife laughed and just put it in her purse.

Annika: Why would a woman my age do that? All you guys think about is sex

Sipho: Babes, all I think about is you. You matter to me

Annika: You matter to me too

Sipho: What do you want me to do to make you want me?

Annika: Nothing. I want you

DBM: Someone once told me,  ‘a cherished woman during the day is a cherished woman at night. If you truly make her feel supported, valued, respected, helped, she will show her value to you in ways that would please you too.’

Annika: Thank you!

Sipho: I know I try

Annika: I know you do

DBM: Participant 148, Reuben, left a question for you: ‘Do you have a pet? If yes, what would they say about you if they could talk?’

Annika: We have dogs and cats. If they could talk, I’d probably be their mummy. They love me and I love them too.

Sipho: I have a busy life, due to that, I easily get distracted, but I am close to my pets. They will tell you I am a good friend.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Annika: My question is for you, Dave. I know you’re not a participant, but I want to know which church you fellowship with?

DBM:  I church online with The Maker’s House Chapel International

Annika: What sets them apart?

DBM: The church’s culture is love. Their structures work. They provide hope for the future. Their leadership lead with love. They are selfless and down to earth. The sermons preached are practical ways for one to live by faith. Last but not least, their music ministration and worship is to die for.

Sipho: My question to the next participant is, how do you evaluate success?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Kindel Media

Let’s Talk To Reuben George

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 148: Reuben George

DBM: Hi Reuben. How would you describe yourself?

Reuben: I’ve been hitting rock bottom lately. Mood swings and all, etc.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Reuben: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Reuben: I feel like I am failing as a husband and father. Before I got married, this was one of the roles I wanted to play and give it my best. Now, everything around me feels overwhelmingly difficult, and beyond my capacity.

DBM: Do you think you are not built to be a great husband?

Reuben: I can be a great husband to my wife

DBM: Are you built to be a wonderful father to your children?

Reuben: I am

DBM: What makes you think you’re failing at these roles?

Reuben: The look in my wife’s eyes when I am unable to give her something she needs. When I watch my kids cry and run to their mother for something I could not provide them. The remarks of my mother-in-law sometimes, also breaks my wings. The wives of some of our close friends also give me the unneeded attitude when I hang out with their husbands.

DBM: How is your mother-in-law involved in your personal stuff?

Reuben: My wife sometimes goes to her for help

DBM: What kind of help?

Reuben: Financial assistance

DBM: How are the wives of some of your close friends involved in your family matters?

Reuben: My wife sometimes goes to them for loans

DBM: The loans are paid back eventually, no?

Reuben: Yes, I make sure they’re all paid

DBM: So, their negative energy is because of what?

Reuben: They think I’m not man enough to keep my home together

DBM: Is your home falling apart?

Reuben: I don’t have money to run my home the way I want to

DBM: Do you work?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: You mind me asking what your profession is?

Reuben: I’m a banker

DBM: How long have you been married?

Reuben: Nine years

DBM: Does your wife work?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: Hmmm!

Reuben: Dave, it’s like my value is now measurable in the eyes of my wife and others

DBM: A woman will do many things that would make her happy in her lifetime. Being with an emotionally broken husband shouldn’t be one of those things on her bucket list

Reuben: Smh!

DBM: If someone who isn’t my partner is to assume on me that I am failing as a husband or father, I definitely would limit my time with such a person.

Reuben: But they are the same people who help us in times of need

DBM: In other words, you prefer encouraging their toxicity in your heart and marriage?

Reuben: No

DBM: When I asked you to measure your level of happiness, you gave the number four, why?

Reuben: I’m not fulfilled

DBM: And, what would be fulfilling?

Reuben: A comfortable life for me and my family

DBM: If you’re not getting the kind of love and respect you think you deserve, I would suggest you start looking from within you, and addressing whatever is making you not measure up to your own self first. I think that is what is currently not in alignment with the kind of relationship you wish to attract.

Reuben: I don’t get you

DBM: I walk every morning for over two and a half hours before starting my day. One time, there was this sharp stone lodging in my sneakers while I walked, and it was kind of, hurting my foot. Imagine walking with such pain in the foot and greeting or conversing with other people exercising on your route. Where do you think your main focus would be drawn to when you are to meet me and I engage in a conversation with you?

Reuben: The pain in my shoe

DBM: When I finally managed to take out the sharp stone from my sneaker, guess what?

Reuben: You were able to focus on everything else

DBM:  I know you feel money is your problem right now. I acknowledge that. I mean, I cannot pay my bills with smiles and words. I cannot buy food with a ‘good mood’ or promise. I need money to do all these purchases, but money is just a medium. A medium to acquire resources. Actually, in certain instances, it’s the resources that matter, and money cannot always be the only way to acquire them. Many of us have been in similar situations; there was a time in my life I was troubled and felt like a failure because almost all of my mates and friends were getting married and starting their families. It felt like everyone else I knew was progressing in life but me. I thought my issue was not finding the right opportunities and also, not making enough money. But the real issues were my unresolved emotional baggage I carried underneath my excuses. They were discoloring my interactions with people

Reuben: I know I have personal issues to deal with

DBM: This life has so much beauty in it. You are surrounded by one of such already, a wife and children, waiting on you to enjoy the moment with them

Reuben: Money to get them what they ask for could also do the trick

DBM: Money will buy them the things that will make them happy, but money is not happiness. At least, from my point of view. A friend I usually walk with in the mornings presented an interesting analogy to me a few days ago. He asked me how I would feel if someone gifted me $10, 000, 000. I quickly jumped in and said I would take it in a heartbeat. Then he asked what I would do if that same gift was offered me, but with a condition to die after one month. Would you still take the money?

Reuben: No

DBM: Why?

Reuben: Life is sweet

DBM: With or without the needed cashflow, no?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: You are even blessed; you have a job. I know many guys with families who are unemployed, and are relying on the mercies and understanding of their wives to hold the forte at home while they job hunt. You need to build your self-worth so you can be strong enough to survive emotionally. Being kind, patient and encouraging to your own self is a standard you can set, so others can emulate when dealing with you.

Reuben: Thanks

DBM: The husband role, in itself is a huge responsibility that can easily become overwhelming by all the expectations associated with it. No husband is perfect, and so your wife should not be expecting you to be perfect all the time. You cannot give what you know you do not have

Reuben: True

DBM: Participant 147, Ayele, left a question for you: ‘What teacher in school made the most impact on you, and why?’

Reuben: His name was Mr. Jackson. Aside his classroom responsibilities, he took the time to get to know me, and helped me to learn and grow from the years I was in Senior High School. I almost considered becoming a teacher myself.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Reuben: Do you have a pet? If yes, what would they say about you if they could talk?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Keira Burton

Let’s Talk To July

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 145: July

DBM: Hello July. How would you describe yourself?

July: I exude confidence and will always speak in plain language

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

July: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

July: Trust

DBM: Okay!

July: I want to know what your opinion on trust is. My marriage lacks trust. My husband cannot be trusted, and I don’t feel comfortable believing his love for me

DBM: What has been your expectations of your husband?

July: I used to not have any. Now, I am constantly expecting the worst from him

DBM: Are you happy subjecting yourself to live this way?

July: No! It’s exhausting. It’s tiring. It’s stressful

DBM: What did your husband do?

July: Everything a man can do to destroy every last ounce of trust a woman has for her man

DBM: I’m sorry about that

July: It’s not your fault. I blame myself for believing he’s a good man

DBM: Has he ever been good to you?

July: Yes

DBM: Has he ever been true to you?

July: Yes

DBM: You used to trust in him, no?

July: I did, till he gave me a reason not to

DBM: How long have you been married?

July: Nine years

DBM: You have kids?

July: I do

DBM: What made you fall in love with him?

July: Right now, it’s hard for me to put the love I used to have for him into words

DBM: Why is that?

July: I don’t know why

DBM: What about your husband did you used to find attractive?

July: His patience. Confidence. His cynical sense of humor. He is/was the kindest man I knew. His opinions are loud and different. He is intelligent. An excellent father to our children.

DBM: How was he as a husband?

July: He was a good husband; he was always there when I needed him

DBM: Do you believe he loves you?

July: I used to, but I don’t anymore

DBM: Okay!

July: How do you understand trust?

DBM: I understand it in different ways

July: Which is the first?

DBM: I’m holding a glass and I let it fall. It breaks and cannot be patched to its original state or form

July: Trust is broken in this scenario

DBM: Exactly.

July: So, what do you do?

DBM: There are options: I can choose not to sweat over one broken glass

July: What if it’s a glass that meant something to me?

DBM: You can choose to gather the broken pieces to make an art design for your home.

July: What is your second understanding of it?

DBM: My phone falling on the ground and cracking its screen. That thin one-line crack

July: I have one on my phone

DBM: How did it come about?

July: My children were playing with it

DBM: Have you thrown the phone away?

July: No, it’s not totally damaged

DBM: You still can use it

July: I use it

DBM: You see everything on the screen?

July: I do

DBM: A man betraying your trust in him can also represent that same thin, one-line crack on your phone. It never means the phone is damaged. It doesn’t mean you should throw your phone away, knowing very well it’s usable.

July: What if the crack wasn’t a thin line, but a full screen crack to destroy the phone’s beauty and originality?

DBM: You have changed your phone’s screen before, no?

July: I used to. Now, I buy new phones when my screen is totally cracked. I throw the damaged one in the garbage

DBM: That is understandable, but you can equally get it fixed

July: Yeah

DBM: Somewhere, deep down inside, of every man is that spark to do right by people

July: Hmmm!

DBM: Again, the fact that you can get the broken phone screen fixed doesn’t necessarily mean you have to keep it in your life

July: It is nearly impossible for me to trust my husband. I don’t know if I can get back that glue that kept the bond intact.

DBM: What’s your fear now?

July: Giving him a second chance only to be hurt by him again

DBM: Have you ever made a mistake before?

July: Dave, a mistake would be having too many drinks at a friend’s party and waking up next to a naked man, lying next to my naked body. I can argue on the grounds of a mistake, if I cannot recall parts of the night out.

DBM: Agreed

July: He had the perfect opportunity to weigh up the option of him honoring a wife that loved him, and having an affair. He made a decision to choose one of his options. If you claim to love and care about me, you will not do something to hurt me

DBM: I concur

July: I don’t know what to do

DBM: You can forgive him

July: And then what?

DBM: Believe that he is capable of doing right by you

July: Is that the only option?

DBM: You can go your separate ways, still with love and forgiveness in your heart for him. There is beauty in walking away with grace and dignity.

July: Thank you for making time to chat with me.

DBM: You’re welcome! Participant 144, Alistair, left a question for you: ‘If you could choose and have any man or woman in the world as your husband or wife, who would be your definite ‘hell yes,’ and why?’

July: Barack Hussein Obama II. He once said, he knows very well that at every corner, there is a lady more beautiful than his wife, but there is something about Michelle Robinson Obama that is beyond beautiful. Michelle was, and is his final choice to commit to intimately because she gives him the most satisfaction. He does not love her in this manner because they’re married, but because Michelle, as a woman, makes for a great choice.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

July: Which is ideal: asking for permission to cheat, or asking for forgiveness after being caught cheating?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Christina Morillo

Let’s Talk To Wafaa and Oz

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 143a: Wafaa

Participant 143b: I want to go by Oz

DBM: Hello Wafaa and Oz. How would you describe yourselves?

Wafaa: Not my happy self

Oz: Husband and father

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Oz: 5

Wafaa: 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wafaa: I’ve asked my husband for a divorce but he’s not for it. My lawyer says I cannot unilaterally divorce him unless he grants me his consent for the divorce.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Wafaa: We were 10 years in May

DBM: Sir, is this an out of the blue request from your wife?

Oz: No, I sensed it coming

DBM: How long ago?

Oz: About three years

DBM: Why do you want a divorce?

Wafaa: I think we’re both done with each other. Our marriage has been over since 2018. We don’t hate each other. We are actually good friends and will be wonderful co-parents.

DBM: Why don’t you want a divorce?

Oz: I have been suggesting we rather stay separated than divorced, at least, until our children are of age and leave home.

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Wafaa: Two

Oz: 5- and 7-year-olds

DBM: Separation is ideal, no?

Wafaa: Separation will feel like I am still settled in the marriage. I want to be totally single so I can date someone nice. My husband is attracted to me. I don’t want to give him any false hope.

DBM: Are you attracted to your wife?

Oz: Yes

DBM: Do you find your husband attractive?

Wafaa: He’s a fine man by all standards but no, I am not attracted to him in that way anymore

DBM: What kind of relationship are you hoping to pursue after your divorce?

Wafaa: A man I can be passionate about in every other way outside settling

DBM: As in, marriage?

Wafaa: Yes, and the whole living together thing. I want a relationship whereby we can meet up and have fun, and then go to our respective homes.

Oz: You can have that with me – if that’s what you’re looking for?

Wafaa: I am not in love with you anymore

DBM: How did it get to this?

Wafaa: It just happened. 10 years of trying. We’ve done our best.

DBM: What if your best combined is still not enough?

Wafaa: That’s the reason I want a divorce. Enough is enough! Dave, it came to a time at the mere sight of him, I wanted to report to work indefinitely on a weekend. And, I don’t go to work on weekends.

DBM: Was there a specific rough patch that happened in your marriage or there has been a persistent problem not dealt with?

Oz: I know we are cool and relate well. I don’t hate my wife

Wafaa: I don’t hate my husband

DBM: Is there respect in your relationship?

Wafaa: I respect my husband

Oz: I respect her

DBM: Are you able to freely talk about difficult issues in the marriage?

Oz: Yes

Wafaa: We talk about everything

DBM: So, what is making you want out of your marriage?

Wafaa: The love is no more

DBM: And is love alone what you believe can help you stick to your husband?

Wafaa: No

DBM: Prior to 2018, what had been sustaining your marriage?

Wafaa: Self-control, my commitment to him and emotional maturity

DBM: Is your husband the type willing to make an effort at your relationship?

Wafaa: Yes

DBM: How do you understand love?

Wafaa: How do you also understand love?

DBM: Hmmm!

Oz: Dave

DBM: Yeah

Oz: How old are you?

DBM: 38, you?

Oz: 45

DBM: How old is your wife?

Oz: 42

Wafaa: I will be 43 years in September

Oz: Are you in a relationship?

DBM: I am

Oz: For how long?

DBM: Some years now

Wafaa: Why are you asking the young man personal questions?

Oz: I want to know what is making his relationship work. Are you always in love in your relationship?

DBM: No

Oz: What do you do when the love is no more?

DBM: I’ve realized that as a human being, I can fall in love with anyone, and it will take me no real effort to catch such feelings. I cherish what I have with my partner, reason why my relationship isn’t being built on what we feel or felt for each other. It’s taken us more than just love to stay interested in one another. When love is present to you when you need it the most, it’s expedient and saccharine to want to fall on just that.

Oz: Truth

DBM: When my love for my love is no more, it becomes my responsibility to make what we share meaningful to me in other ways. It’s never the responsibility of love to make me fall in love with love. Love is not all about what I feel for someone. You asked what love means to me; love is not about being in a relationship that loves me back. Love is not about being with someone, and then waiting for that magical feeling to happen to me to make things look perfect. It’s work, intentional communication and the both of us putting in the effort.

Wafaa: But I want more. Is it wrong to want more

Oz: ‘More’ meaning?

Wafaa: More than you. More than you can offer me at the moment

DBM: Do think you can find all that ‘more’ in one person?

Wafaa: No

Oz: Yes

DBM: Sir, is your wife the only woman you’ve been with since you married?

Oz: No

Wafaa: No? Who else have you been with?

Oz: It’s all in the past.

Wafaa: No! This is news to me. You’ve been with other women?

Oz: I made bad decisions and learned from them

Wafaa: How many women have you been with?

Oz: Let’s not do this here, please

Wafaa: Oh wow! You’ve been cheating all this while?

Oz: I’m sorry

Wafaa: You’re sorry? Which people did you have the affairs with?

Oz: I don’t want to talk about this here

Wafaa: How long did it last?

Oz: It happened in the past

Wafaa: When?

Oz: It’s past

Wafaa: Where did it take place?

Oz: We’re not doing this here

Wafaa: Did you love them?

Oz: No!

Wafaa: And here I was cherishing the promise of fidelity. Men will stain your white

Oz: I’m sorry it happened but it’s over

Wafaa: I don’t give a fuck

DBM: Committing to one person is not an easy thing to do, especially when there are extremely beautiful and handsome, sexy and intelligent other people out there seeking our attention and grace. Some of us have had to develop ourselves emotionally to be able to stick to/with just the one we believe we can be content with.

Wafaa: I used to think like that too. Anyway, as I said before, I AM DONE

DBM: Participant 142, Uriel, left a question for you: ‘If you could trust the fact that I wouldn’t judge you, what would be the one secret you would want to tell me?’

Oz: I cheated on my wife

Wafaa: I cannot see myself riding through this wave of mixed feelings with the little confidence left in me. I do not love my husband anymore. I want a divorce

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Wafaa: I’m out of here

Oz: What are you looking forward to the most in your old age?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Bolarinwa Olasunkanmi

POPULAR

Contact Us

  • maildmbir@gmail.com

Copyright 2022 David B - All Rights Reserved | Design: Javanet Systems