Let’s Talk To Jude

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 155: Name is Jude

DBM: Hello Jude. How would you describe yourself?

Jude: A widower. I am also a single-father

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Jude: Three

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Jude: When I am at work, everything seems okay, as if nothing has happened to me. But then I come home to an empty house; no wife, no home cooked meal. I have to now go to the kitchen and cook for myself. She was more than just my wife; she was my fashion designer. She chose what I wore because she had the perfect eye for dressing. I never imagined I would be grieving the loss of my wife, my best friend. I feel completely lost, Dave. I miss my wife so much. A huge part of me is absent.

DBM: How long were you married?

Jude: We would have been 10 years in December, 2023

DBM: How did she die?

Jude: She felt bloated and constipated, after undergoing surgery. She donated her kidney to our daughter. She was hospitalized for four nights due to the rate of her recovery process. According to the doctor, she could have lived a normal life with just one kidney. The hospital claims her death was not as a result of the surgery nor kidney failure. I have still not been able to process everything that I am feeling at the moment.

DBM: Which surgical procedure was performed?

Jude: Laparoscopic, I heard

DBM: You heard?

Jude: I was not consulted before undergoing the surgery.

DBM: You did not know about it?

Jude: My wife brought it up for discussion and I was emphatic about my disapproval of her decision.

DBM: Why were you against it?

Jude: Our daughter’s kidneys had begun to lose their function and were worsening over time. The disease had reached its late-stage and required dialysis and a transplant.

DBM: Which stage was your daughter’s condition?

Jude: Stage 5. Her GFR (mL/min) was less than 15. She had trouble concentrating, she couldn’t sleep, had puffy eyes, was vomiting every now and then; her skin started to darken, her urine was foamy, etc. Dave, a whole lot was going on with our daughter, I preferred her dead. She became numb more times than I had seen her smile or laugh.

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Jude: One

DBM: I shared a synopsis of your situation on my Facebook timeline, five days ago, and asked people who had questions for you to send them to me. This is from Richard Qophi Testimony: “What factors or considerations led you to make such a difficult choice between your daughter and your wife?”

Jude: When I was dating my late wife, I made it clear that my priority was mainly to build a life with her. My job as a parent is not to protect my daughter. My job is to raise her with high self-esteem. My wife was the love of my life way before we even got pregnant. And nothing about my love for her changed, even after welcoming our daughter into our lives. Unfortunately, her attention switched from me to our daughter. When our daughter became seriously ill, and ultimately, a financial burden, one of the doctors suggested we considered letting her die peacefully – since we are still young and can get pregnant again. I thought through it thoroughly, and I was going to choose my wife over my daughter.

DBM: In your household, what are your priority list?

Jude: My needs come first, the needs of my wife come second, my daughter’s needs come third, and then that of my household needs as fourth.

DBM: This question is from Tracee Fry-Annan: “Will you consider therapy?”

Jude: I am not in the mood for therapy

DBM: Ruckie Ama Oboubi asks, “Do you see your wife’s decision to donate her kidney to your daughter as a form of guarantee towards her own total recovery?

Jude: Unfortunately, no. I see it as selfishness on her part.

DBM: Ruckie has a second question: “Would you have been proud of your mother if she had made a similar sacrifice for you, irrespective of your father’s disapproval?

Jude: Yes

DBM: Why is that?

Jude: Because she is my mother. My mother is not my wife.

DBM: When a woman is pregnant, her maternal love grows along with the baby in her womb. You know that, no?

Jude: I know

DBM: Your wife’s life took on a new meaning and suddenly was filled with the spirit of selflessness, no?

Jude: Yes

DBM: A woman’s child automatically becomes her topmost priority when her baby is born, you know that, no? Giving up so many things become natural to a mother. So far as it’s for the good of her child, she would do it without really thinking twice.

Jude: That is why I had an agreement with my late wife before we got married and pregnant, not to shift our priorities no matter what. And she agreed to it.

DBM: Simnyewuni Cinta asks, “Would you have been able to watch the love of your life wallow in grief for losing her only child?”

Jude: I would have been by her side to mourn our daughter. She wouldn’t have been going through loss all by herself. My wife knew in her heart that she could come to me with anything, at any time; no matter what the issue was, and no matter what mood I was in.

DBM: She came to you with a difficult decision that made absolute sense to her. And what did you say?

Jude: You will not understand me, Dave. I had a pact with my wife.

DBM: Regardless, she consulted you before making this big decision that has affected you both.

Jude: And what came out of her big decision?

DBM: Your daughter’s good health and being alive

Jude: To the detriment of?

DBM: Hmmm! Anane Wisdom Cyke Mawulolo wants to know the age of your daughter?

Jude: She’s seven years old.

DBM: Yaw Aboagye asks, “What was the survival rate of the surgery? And, what caused the death of your wife during recovery?

Jude: Her doctor says she had over 89% chance of surviving. They still do not know what caused her death.

DBM: Participant 154, Kuukua, left a question for you: ‘Do you think people are replaceable?’

Jude: My wife is not replaceable. I will not allow myself to be placed in a position of supplication.

DBM: Is your daughter replaceable?

Jude: Next question, please!

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Jude: What would you have done differently, if you were in my shoes?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Yusuf Çelik

Let’s Talk To Kuukua

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 154: Kuukua is my name

DBM: Hi Kuukua. How would you describe yourself?

Kuukua: An open, easy book

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Kuukua: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Kuukua: My husband does not share his fears with me. He is not vulnerable with me. I don’t know what his difficulties are. What am I missing?

DBM: What are you expecting of him?

Kuukua: Dave, I share everything with my husband. I tell him about my day but he doesn’t volunteer information as much. My intention is for us to establish trust and some level of closeness. This is making me feel uncomfortable. It’s like, he’s keeping secrets from me

DBM: In-as-much as I get where you are coming from, I don’t think being married to him means sharing all the last details of your life with him.

Kuukua: Why not? He is my husband. We’re supposed to be one unit. ‘And the two shall be one…’

DBM: Withholding information pertaining to an aspect of my day doesn’t necessarily mean I am keeping a secret from you.

Kuukua: I don’t subscribe to your opinion on this matter

DBM: Everyone has the right to some level of  privacy. Have you not, even for once, desired to be alone with your thoughts?

Kuukua: I have, but at the end of the day, I share my thoughts with my husband

DBM: That’s your choice. His may be, to keep certain things to himself

Kuukua: And what if – him doing that troubles me?

DBM: What if, him sharing his deepest thoughts with you also makes him uncomfortable?

Kuukua: Why should he feel uncomfortable telling me things?

DBM: Giving a man his privacy, most of the time builds a certain degree of intimacy with you. If he doesn’t feel coerced or made to feel uncomfortable to disclose an information about himself, he will feel safe and respected. This feeling makes us want to open up and be vulnerable around you. This, also makes us comfortable to want to share what’s really on our minds.

Kuukua: My husband is comfortable talking about important issues with another woman

DBM: How do you know this?

Kuukua: I go through his phone while he’s asleep

DBM: You realize what I was talking about?

Kuukua: What?

DBM: Respecting boundaries. Do you seek for his permission before touching his phone?

Kuukua: No, and I am doing nothing wrong by going through his phone

DBM: Do you love him?

Kuukua: So very much

DBM: Does he know how much you love him?

Kuukua: He does

DBM: So, he doesn’t feel unloved, alone or bitter around you?

Kuukua: I don’t think he does

DBM: Hmmm! Why is he seeking emotional companionship outside then?

Kuukua: That’s what I am trying to understand. He talks to this other lady about me, our children, and even about things going on in his family that I had no idea of

DBM: Things like?

Kuukua: Giving money to his sister to expand her business.

DBM: Do you have a problem with that?

Kuukua: I don’t. All I am saying is, I want to know about these kinds of things. My husband is going through depression, and I do not know about it. But he tells this other woman. He asks her also about what to get me as gifts on special occasions. Every present or surprise that he’s pulled on me or made me experience were suggestions from the woman.

DBM: Do you know this other lady?

Kuukua: I do

DBM: What do you think is the nature of their friendship?

Kuukua: I think it goes deeper than it meets the eye

DBM: What’s your reason?

Kuukua: Because they discussed it in one of their chats. They both had identified a potential connection between them.

DBM: What type of connection?

Kuukua: Sexual tension

DBM: Is the lady married?

Kuukua: No!

DBM: I see

Kuukua: Your guess is as good as mine

DBM: I think your imaginations may be running wild

Kuukua: If it looks like a duck…

DBM: You need to refrain from trespassing upon your husband’s phone

Kuukua: I can’t

DBM: Question: Do you share everything with him because it makes you feel better or you desire the change and transformation it may bring to you two?

Kuukua: Because I think it’s the right thing to do

DBM: Participant 153, Ola, left a question for you: ‘Why did you forgive the person who hurt you the most?’

Kuukua: I forgave him because it’s a relationship I want to keep. Keeping tabs on what he did to hurt my feelings only made me hate him. I don’t want to hate the man I love

DBM: This is in reference to your husband, no?

Kuukua: Yes

DBM: You mind me asking what he did?

Kuukua: He had an affair

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Kuukua: Do you think people are replaceable?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Davd Kuko

Let’s Talk To Ola

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 153: Ola

DBM: Hello Ola. How would you describe yourself?

Ola: The older I get, the more promises I break, and the baggage heaping on

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ola: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ola: I want render a public apology to my wife. I’ve hurt her feelings and I feel like a terrible husband.

DBM: You did not hurt her feelings because you’re a terrible person. It’s just human nature to disappoint people

Ola: You don’t know what I did

DBM: What did you do?

Ola: I did the one thing I promised her I would never do.

DBM: Let me guess, you had an affair?

Ola: Yes, and got the other woman pregnant.

DBM: I see

Ola: I’ve tried to explain things to her but she’s not making time for a sit-down. I see her reading from your blog and Facebook

DBM: You’ve hurt the poor lady’s feelings. Demanding her time isn’t the best thing to do now

Ola: How then am I supposed to get her to forgive me?

DBM: Request for her audience. And, don’t expect her to grant it anyways

Ola: But she’s my wife

DBM: What does that mean?

Ola: I don’t know what it means. I’m just saying

DBM: Don’t mock a pain you haven’t endured. Let her be till she’s ready to hear you out

Ola: It’s been three months, Dave

DBM: So? Keep waiting

Ola: Till when? I’ve told her a million times how sorry I am

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ola: 7 years

DBM: Give her some space

Ola: Even after three months?

DBM: Does she cook for you?

Ola: Yes

DBM: When was the last time you had sex?

Ola: Eight days ago

DBM: If she’s giving you sex, why are you still pestering her for her attention?

Ola: She’s not giving me any sex

DBM: But you had sex with her eight days ago, no?

Ola: It wasn’t with my wife

DBM: Who did you have sex with?

Ola: The other lady

DBM: I don’t know you personally, but you remind me ice cream, and not vegetables. You want to only make your wife feel good but not with the intention of helping her grow.

Ola: That’s unfair. You don’t know me like that

DBM: Your wife has not given you attention because of the pain you caused her. She’s hurt as a result of your actions. An action you’re still engaging in. Maybe I’m missing the point: how are you going to offer her comfort and compassion to ease the hurt she’s feeling?

Ola: Body no bi firewood, Dave

DBM: Are you even capable of doing right by her?

Ola: I am

DBM: I see

Ola: She needs to get over it. I’m getting tired of everything

DBM: Meaning?

Ola: The marriage. She’s constantly reminding me of betraying her trust

DBM: But you know you betrayed her trust in you, no?

Ola: And I’ve told her how sorry I am. The other woman doesn’t even mind me being with other women. She knows I love her and will be there for her when she needs me. Why can’t my wife think along the same lines?

DBM: Because you wife doesn’t encourage the lowest version of you.

Ola: Dave, all men cheat

DBM: With a mentality like this, you would only be making things worse between you and your wife.

Ola: I’m not sure what else to say to make things better between us

DBM: But you want to help make things better between the two of you?

Ola: Yes

DBM: You mentioned loving the other woman?

Ola: I love her, but I don’t think I’m in love with her

DBM: Are you excited about the baby she’s expecting?

Ola: Well, if it’s a boy, why not

DBM: What if it’s a girl?

Ola: Same thing

DBM: Is this pregnant other woman, the only other woman you’ve been with since you married your wife?

Ola: Yes

DBM: But you said she’s okay with you being with other women, no?

Ola: She’s told me she wouldn’t mind if I want to

DBM: Tell me a little about her

Ola: She’s given me more than her heart. She loves me even when I’m not worthy of her love. She supports what makes me happy

DBM: Tell me something about your wife

Ola: A beautiful woman, hardworking, funny and fantastic mother to our children. We’ve been through a whole lot together

DBM: You have the opportunity to talk to your wife. What do you want to say?

Ola: I know you said sorry isn’t enough but I’m sorry. I feel awful to have upset you. I take full responsibility for my actions and nothing that I have done is as a result of something you did. I was wrong and I apologize.

DBM: Participant 152, Dexter, left a question for you: ‘Share with me a moment in your life that you will never forget’

Ola: I did not go to work, two days to the birth of our first child. I had cleaned the entire house as my welcoming package to my wife and our first child. I felt so sad and helpless watching her endure the pain of frequent contractions. I will never forget when she started to push at the hospital. I saw my son’s head before he came out, crying.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ola: Why did you forgive the person who hurt you the most?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Ketut Subiyanto 

Let’s Talk To Dexter

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 152: My name is Dexter

DBM: Hi Dexter. How would you describe yourself?

Dexter: Rosemond’s husband

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Dexter: Seven

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Dexter: This is not a popular opinion but mine with women. The women I have been with, including my wife, all seem to shoot blanks when it comes to their dealings with me. This includes my wife’s interpretations of my actions as a man, and her husband in our marriage. The least-appealing thing I do, and a woman in my life is resentful of me. Bro, guys are simple people oo

DBM: We can be simple, I concur

Dexter: I don’t need much to be happy with my life, unlike my wife. I am a man of few things, just like what you will find in my wardrobe.

DBM: What do you need to be satisfied, as Rosemond’s husband?

Dexter: I want my respect, our shared mutual affection and great sex. Dave, that’s all I want from a woman

DBM: Does your wife make available to you these needs?

Dexter: You remember the scale you put me on from 1 to 10?

DBM: Yes

Dexter: I am 7 because she supplies my needs the best way possible

DBM: Is 7 enough?

Dexter: I wouldn’t mind a 9

DBM: Can she get you to a nine?

Dexter: My wife can work hard to help me achieve it. She’s focused and has a clear vision of how she wants her marriage to be. She’s determined to get what she wants and deserves.

DBM: But do you also deserve a woman like your wife?

Dexter: I think I do. I will do anything for that woman. Dave, won’t you do anything for the one you love?

DBM: I am loved well, so yes.

Dexter: A man is a simple thing to figure out.

DBM: I am a communications person but would hardly communicate my concerns in my relationship. How do you talk about serious issues bothering you in your marriage?

Dexter: My wife knows how to measure my level of happiness. She can tell between my moods to know I am unhappy about something. We fight, we argue, but it doesn’t extend. For her, she will make sure she’s heard – if my actions or attitude bothers her. She doesn’t believe in silence when something is troubling her. She does not expect me to read her mind, while she can talk about it.

DBM: I see

Dexter: I married a woman who ensures that both she and those close to, and around her are treated with respect and dignity. My wife will always get to the point when she has something on her mind to discuss

DBM: What if you’re not in the mood to reason with her?

Dexter: The truth is, avoiding a conversation you’re not interested in doesn’t resolve the problem at stake. She knows how to gently help me put my pride aside to talk about difficult issues.

DBM: And, are you able to sit and talk?

Dexter: Always

DBM: How so?

Dexter: She rewards me when I prioritize what is important to her

DBM: Do you do it because you know there is a reward you like being offered you at the end?

Dexter: Yes and no. Yes, because I love the reward she presents. When a naked woman sits on my lap to discuss what she feels I am doing wrong to hurt her feelings, what do you think I would do? Turn away from such a conversation?

DBM: Sex is the reward?

Dexter: Sex should be one of the kind gestures towards reconciliation.

DBM: After the sex, then what?

Dexter: Happiness on her face, smiles, positive energy and mood, love at every glance, special attention, happy wife, happy husband

DBM: Smh!

Dexter: What?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Dexter: 13 years

DBM: Nice

Dexter: I am proud of myself when I am able to make my wife happy. That’s what I live for, as her husband

DBM: I see. What else comes to mind when you think of your wife?

Dexter: Being her protector and lover. My wife is not my best friend. I have a best friend. But she is my closest friend.

DBM: Who is your best friend?

Dexter: A childhood friend

DBM: Male or female?

Dexter: Female

DBM: I see

Dexter: She’s married

DBM: But you’ve tapped that A$$?

Dexter: That was before I met my wife

DBM: Why didn’t it work out?

Dexter: We weren’t good as a couple, but we are solid as friends

DBM: She feels this same way about you?

Dexter: Yes. It was her idea to break things off. She found her right guy to love. I am her right friend to relate to.

DBM: Do you miss her as an intimate friend?

Dexter: No. I like our friendship better

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Dexter: Yes, once

DBM: How long ago?

Dexter: 8 years ago, I think

DBM: What led to that?

Dexter: I was out of Ghana to further my education

DBM: So, it happened while you were away?

Dexter: Yes

DBM: Did you love the other woman?

Dexter: It was an arrangement. No strings attached. She needed it for herself too. Sex buddies and study mates.

DBM: Where is she now?

Dexter: I haven’t stayed in touch with her since returning home

DBM: Does your wife know?

Dexter: She doesn’t

DBM: Why not?

Dexter: She doesn’t have to know every bad decision I make. I’ve owned up to myself with this wrong deed. I know I made a bad decision, and I’ve taken responsibility of my action. I am doing better so far.

DBM: My prayer every morning is to at least, try to do right by GOD, do right by myself and do right by others, specifically, my significant other.

Dexter: There is no excuse for what I did. That’s the reason why I do not see the need to hurt her feelings by telling her.

DBM: Participant 151, Forrest, left a question for you: ‘How do you process the feelings of confusion or loss?’

Dexter: We have a lot more clarity than we think of ourselves as a people. I am able to reason with myself to not get carried away when down.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Dexter: Share with me a moment in your life that you will never forget

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Desmond Gatimu

Let’s Talk To Forrest

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 151: Forrest

DBM: Hello Forrest. How would you describe yourself?

Forrest: I’m in need of a distraction of a sort from the pressure that comes with being a husband. I want what I want out there, but with the security of a wife still intact at home.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Forrest: I’m a 6 now

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Forrest: My wife traveled to go further her education. It’s a decision we both agreed on. It’s also been her desire to pursue higher education. But most importantly, I did not want to come across as a control freak, regulating my wife in what she can or cannot do. I want to be the best husband possible when it comes to encouraging the mother of my children to achieve her dreams.

DBM: That’s commendable. Marriage, under no circumstance should oppress anyone, especially, women from sustaining that momentum in their lives. I think it is the responsibility of every married man to help guide their wife’s focus, when it comes to their academic pursuit.

Forrest: I want the best for my wife

DBM: Exactly! So, give her enough room to manage the aspirations she can measure, and also, pursue the choice she decides on

Forrest: She’s back from the study and I am very proud of her. The problem I am unable to deal with is, in her absence, one of her close friends used to come by with cooked meals and other forms of help to support me. At first, it was purely friendship and we both acknowledged it for what it was. But it grew into something else

DBM: Something else like what?

Forrest: An attraction

DBM: On your side or hers?

Forrest: Both sides

DBM: At the same time?

Forrest: I think so

DBM: Who was the first to draw the other’s attention to their feelings?

Forrest: I was

DBM: And, what did she say?

Forrest: She had been feeling it too.

DBM: Your wife knew about her bringing in food, etc.?

Forrest: She knew the first time she brought in foodstuff, but I stopped telling her when I realized I liked her friend.

DBM: Liked her in which capacity?

Forrest: I didn’t know then, to what extent

DBM: What else does your wife know about your engagements with her friend?

Forrest: Not much

DBM: Is she a single woman?

Forrest: No, she’s married

DBM: You know her husband?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: What else have you done with this woman?

Forrest: Hmmm! A lot

DBM: Have you kissed?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: Have you had sex?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: How many times?

Forrest: A number of times

DBM: You’ve slept with her in your matrimonial bed?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: How many times?

Forrest: A number of times

DBM: Has she any kids?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: How does she manage to come to your house if she has a family of her own?

Forrest: We were making time for it

DBM: Forgive me for asking these questions but I want to gain insight into your reasons for cheating

Forrest: I understand

DBM: Why did you cheat?

Forrest: Emotionally, I didn’t feel connected with my wife due to her absence

DBM: What is your definition of emotional connection?

Forrest: Physical affection and sex

DBM: Meaning, this is something you know of yourself?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: Your wife knows this too about you, no?

Forrest: Not really, though she knows I love sex

DBM: Prior to her absence, had there been any records of infidelity on your part?

Forrest: Once or twice

DBM: That she knew of?

Forrest: No

DBM: Were there underlying issues that might have contributed to all these?

Forrest: No, we have a good relationship

DBM: Was the affair with your wife’s friend purely physical or emotional?

Forrest: I’ve fallen in love with her

DBM: When did you realize this?

Forrest: Six to seven months after my wife had left the country

DBM: How long have you been married?

Forrest: Almost 10 years

DBM: Were you using protection with this woman?

Forrest: Not really

DBM: How about with the other ladies?

Forrest: Yes, but not always

DBM: Is there a reason why you are unable to talk to your wife about what is going on in your life?

Forrest: I don’t want to hurt her feelings

DBM: Will there come a time you believe you can be honest to your wife about your feelings for her friend, and maybe, try to explain your reasons why?

Forrest: I’m not sure

DBM: Do you feel what you’re doing is bad?

Forrest: I don’t know

DBM: Why don’t you know?

Forrest: It’s confusing

DBM: Are you a good man?

Forrest: I think I am

DBM: Is this woman also in love with you?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: So, what’s the plan?

Forrest: We’ve decided to keep our distance, now that my wife is back

DBM: Till when?

Forrest: Till we can get over the feelings

DBM: So, you’re going to cut contact with her, all at once?

Forrest: No

DBM: Is this love, something you feel you deserved?

Forrest: Yes. It was good for me

DBM: Because it filled a vacuum?

Forrest: Not really. I think because it was different

DBM: Meaning, you could have still felt this way about her, whether or not your wife had traveled?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: You’re certain both of you have the correct expectations about your future?

Forrest: For now, yes. Ours respective families should come first.

DBM: Participant 150, Ozigbodi, left a question for you: ‘What has been on your heart or mind lately?’

Forrest: My wife. My marriage. My family, and my feelings for the other woman, and what it represents.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Forrest: How do you process the feelings of confusion or loss?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

 

Let’s Talk To Ozigbodi

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 150: Ozigbodi

DBM: Hi Ozigbodi. How would you describe yourself?

Ozigbodi: My life involves growth

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ozigbodi: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ozigbodi: I smile now, and for the first time in my life I don’t feel alone. I feel so comfortable with myself. I think I am in love, but I am not so sure. How does it feel like to fall in love?

DBM: Is this your first relationship?

Ozigbodi: No

DBM: Is it your first time feeling this way with a man?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: How long have you known this person?

Ozigbodi: We’ve been friends for nine years

DBM: What type of friendship?

Ozigbodi: He is my boss at work. Acquaintances, no strings attached. But I knew the first day we talked in his office, that we were going to be great friends. He felt comfortable talking to me about his personal issues; with time, I was also able to put my walls down to trust him with my personal information.

DBM: Was he single when you first met?

Ozigbodi: He is a divorcee

DBM: Okay! So, single then?

Ozigbodi: To the best of my knowledge, yes. We’ve grown closer in the years as best friends.

DBM: Are you having sex with him?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: For how long?

Ozigbodi: Since 2017

DBM: I see

Ozigbodi: I used to be married too

DBM: How long were you married?

Ozigbodi: 5 years. We divorced in 2014

DBM: What led to the end of your marriage?

Ozigbodi: It was really not anyone’s fault. My ex-husband was a great man. We were just not compatible. We were two very different people and our priorities couldn’t align. That’s what I think broke our marriage.

DBM: To the extent that it was beyond repair?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: So, on what grounds was the divorce filed?

Ozigbodi: Incompatibility

DBM: You had kids?

Ozigbodi: Yes, two

DBM: Are you compatible with the new relationship?

Ozigbodi: I am the first person he calls to share every detail of his day with. And, this has been him since we both realized our friendship was good for us.

DBM: Can you date back to this particular day?

Ozigbodi: Yes, it was the 19th of September, 2012. A Wednesday, to be precis

DBM: This is the date you also knew there could be more to the friendship?

Ozigbodi: Yes! I found myself acknowledging that he was the first person I would call every evening, to share every detail of my day with. Even though we worked at the same firm. My ex-husband also seemed to have found his person he enjoyed sharing details of his day with.

DBM: Do you know why your current guy got divorced?

Ozigbodi: Yes, adultery or cheating

DBM: With whom?

Ozigbodi: Not sure. I didn’t want details

DBM: But he did the cheating?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: Alright!

Ozigbodi: He has made the effort to reorganize and reimage his life to please me. What will make me happy is his priority now. I do same for him.

DBM: Good for the both of you. So, what’s the way forward?

Ozigbodi: I want marriage

DBM: You’ve discussed it with him?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: And?

Ozigbodi: I’ve told him I cannot imagine dating him for all these years, doing the cohabiting thing, and giving him and our relationship my everything without him also considering putting a ring on it.

DBM: Is marriage what he wants?

Ozigbodi: Not at the moment

DBM: But it’s a possibility?

Ozigbodi: I don’t know. I know he wants to have a child with me. I know he enjoys being intimate with me. I know he wants to make and share a home with me

DBM: But he doesn’t want to make you, his wife?

Ozigbodi: Hmmm!

DBM: Is he financially fit?

Ozigbodi: Yes

DBM: What’s his concern?

Ozigbodi: He thinks marriage will twinge his current lifestyle.

DBM: Which is what?

Ozigbodi: Late-night out with his friends, and the freedom to do whatever makes him happy

DBM: I see

Ozigbodi: He doesn’t want a situation where he has to go through another divorce. He’s also told me he feels comfortable with the security of his financial assets if no woman is his wife. He says a wife will take all his money if there is to be a divorce

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Ozigbodi: Do I need marriage to legitimize my relationship with my boyfriend?

DBM: I know many people who are okay committing their lives to their partners outside of marriage. Question is, is that what you want?

Ozigbodi: No!

DBM: Participant 149, Sipho, left a question for you: ‘how do you evaluate success?’

Ozigbodi: When I am authentic in my dealings while loving what I do. I feel like a success right now because I am committed to what I love.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ozigbodi: What has been on your heart or mind lately?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Adrienne Andersen

Let’s Talk To Sipho and Annika

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 149a: Sipho

Participant 149b: My name is Annika

DBM: Hello Sipho and Annika. How would you describe yourselves?

Sipho: A very sensual man

Annika: Blindly loyal to those I love and care about

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sipho: 9.5

Annika: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Sipho: Me and my wife have been married for 17 years. We separated when we clocked the seventh year, and almost divorced on our 10th anniversary. The emotional connection was no longer there on her part, and I wasn’t getting sex from home. In fact, she wasn’t giving me any sex, so I had to get it from somewhere else. Our children became her priority, and I felt neglected and was ready to equally throw in the towel. I asked her one day if she wanted a divorce and she said no.

DBM: Why did you say no?

Annika: I took responsibility for my part in the failure of our relationship. I think that was what reformed the entire dynamic of our marriage.

DBM: What made you take this decision?

Annika: One of us had to change, and I was the unhappy spouse. I felt no one else could save my marriage but me.

DBM: Sir, did you want the marriage as at that time?

Sipho: Very much. We did not set out on this journey to be unhappy. Our marriage used to be so much fun when we used to agree with each other.

DBM: Mrs. what did you think you were doing wrong?

Annika: The way I talked to him, sometimes was bad. I blamed him a lot for so many things, it turned us away from each other. I had to learn how to turn towards him with a good attitude.

DBM: Before she stopped giving you sex to make you want it somewhere else, had you been cheating on your wife?

Sipho: No

DBM: How important is sex in your marriage?

Sipho: What my wife couldn’t understand was that, I always wanted to have sex with her because I love her. It wasn’t just about sex. She cuddles for hours and fall asleep in my arms, and that, is love, and should be enough in her opinion. Not that I don’t like cuddling; I love to cuddle. A cuddle that leads to sex is love for me. I would touch her in a certain way, and suddenly would be too tired to follow through. My wife could have a headache for a week, all because she knew I wanted to have sex with her. I would touch her in the evenings and, ‘not tonight’ automatically comes out of her mouth. She was never ready for me when I was ready.

DBM: Was she at any given time initiating sex with you for a change?

Sipho: No

DBM: Why were you withholding sex from your husband?

Annika: I was hurt. Many of the times he wanted to be intimate with me, I was so upset with him to even imagine him touching me.

DBM: Do you think you want sex with your husband as much as he wants to be intimate with you?

Annika: Of course

DBM: How often do you have sex now in a week?

Annika: Almost the whole week

Sipho: Twice a week

DBM: Lol!

Annika: Twice, you say?

Sipho: Yes. Last week, we did it on Monday and Thursday. Have you forgotten?

DBM: Interesting 😊

Annika: It seemed more than that to me

DBM: You two are actually making me realize, men and women view the whole sex-frequency thing differently. Twice a week feels like seven days a week to you, while twice means just two times in a week for him. I want to know something: what does sex mean to you, individually?

Sipho: Dave, you really want to know?

DBM: Yes please

Sipho: If I see a towel wrapped around my wife, erection springs. If my hand accidentally brushes her butt, my penis is provoked. So, you can imagine what happens in my body when I see her come out of the shower naked?

DBM: Yes

Annika: Lol! That’s all you guys know

Sipho: It’s an appetite; a special kind of food I want to eat every day. I get hungry if I’m not fed sex. That is my finest way of connecting with my wife. It’s my love language. If I am to get the kind of sex I want with my wife, home will feel like home to me. I feel and experience true love through sex, regular sex I mean. Ask any man, and he will tell you something similar.

DBM: Mrs. it’s your turn

Annika: What you’re not also understanding from my part is, love isn’t always bodily measured. Sex is important to me too

Sipho: We went out on a date to celebrate our wedding anniversary. At the restaurant, I passed a lingerie under the table and signaled her to go change into it at the ladies’, my wife laughed and just put it in her purse.

Annika: Why would a woman my age do that? All you guys think about is sex

Sipho: Babes, all I think about is you. You matter to me

Annika: You matter to me too

Sipho: What do you want me to do to make you want me?

Annika: Nothing. I want you

DBM: Someone once told me,  ‘a cherished woman during the day is a cherished woman at night. If you truly make her feel supported, valued, respected, helped, she will show her value to you in ways that would please you too.’

Annika: Thank you!

Sipho: I know I try

Annika: I know you do

DBM: Participant 148, Reuben, left a question for you: ‘Do you have a pet? If yes, what would they say about you if they could talk?’

Annika: We have dogs and cats. If they could talk, I’d probably be their mummy. They love me and I love them too.

Sipho: I have a busy life, due to that, I easily get distracted, but I am close to my pets. They will tell you I am a good friend.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Annika: My question is for you, Dave. I know you’re not a participant, but I want to know which church you fellowship with?

DBM:  I church online with The Maker’s House Chapel International

Annika: What sets them apart?

DBM: The church’s culture is love. Their structures work. They provide hope for the future. Their leadership lead with love. They are selfless and down to earth. The sermons preached are practical ways for one to live by faith. Last but not least, their music ministration and worship is to die for.

Sipho: My question to the next participant is, how do you evaluate success?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Kindel Media

Let’s Talk To Reuben George

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 148: Reuben George

DBM: Hi Reuben. How would you describe yourself?

Reuben: I’ve been hitting rock bottom lately. Mood swings and all, etc.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Reuben: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Reuben: I feel like I am failing as a husband and father. Before I got married, this was one of the roles I wanted to play and give it my best. Now, everything around me feels overwhelmingly difficult, and beyond my capacity.

DBM: Do you think you are not built to be a great husband?

Reuben: I can be a great husband to my wife

DBM: Are you built to be a wonderful father to your children?

Reuben: I am

DBM: What makes you think you’re failing at these roles?

Reuben: The look in my wife’s eyes when I am unable to give her something she needs. When I watch my kids cry and run to their mother for something I could not provide them. The remarks of my mother-in-law sometimes, also breaks my wings. The wives of some of our close friends also give me the unneeded attitude when I hang out with their husbands.

DBM: How is your mother-in-law involved in your personal stuff?

Reuben: My wife sometimes goes to her for help

DBM: What kind of help?

Reuben: Financial assistance

DBM: How are the wives of some of your close friends involved in your family matters?

Reuben: My wife sometimes goes to them for loans

DBM: The loans are paid back eventually, no?

Reuben: Yes, I make sure they’re all paid

DBM: So, their negative energy is because of what?

Reuben: They think I’m not man enough to keep my home together

DBM: Is your home falling apart?

Reuben: I don’t have money to run my home the way I want to

DBM: Do you work?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: You mind me asking what your profession is?

Reuben: I’m a banker

DBM: How long have you been married?

Reuben: Nine years

DBM: Does your wife work?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: Hmmm!

Reuben: Dave, it’s like my value is now measurable in the eyes of my wife and others

DBM: A woman will do many things that would make her happy in her lifetime. Being with an emotionally broken husband shouldn’t be one of those things on her bucket list

Reuben: Smh!

DBM: If someone who isn’t my partner is to assume on me that I am failing as a husband or father, I definitely would limit my time with such a person.

Reuben: But they are the same people who help us in times of need

DBM: In other words, you prefer encouraging their toxicity in your heart and marriage?

Reuben: No

DBM: When I asked you to measure your level of happiness, you gave the number four, why?

Reuben: I’m not fulfilled

DBM: And, what would be fulfilling?

Reuben: A comfortable life for me and my family

DBM: If you’re not getting the kind of love and respect you think you deserve, I would suggest you start looking from within you, and addressing whatever is making you not measure up to your own self first. I think that is what is currently not in alignment with the kind of relationship you wish to attract.

Reuben: I don’t get you

DBM: I walk every morning for over two and a half hours before starting my day. One time, there was this sharp stone lodging in my sneakers while I walked, and it was kind of, hurting my foot. Imagine walking with such pain in the foot and greeting or conversing with other people exercising on your route. Where do you think your main focus would be drawn to when you are to meet me and I engage in a conversation with you?

Reuben: The pain in my shoe

DBM: When I finally managed to take out the sharp stone from my sneaker, guess what?

Reuben: You were able to focus on everything else

DBM:  I know you feel money is your problem right now. I acknowledge that. I mean, I cannot pay my bills with smiles and words. I cannot buy food with a ‘good mood’ or promise. I need money to do all these purchases, but money is just a medium. A medium to acquire resources. Actually, in certain instances, it’s the resources that matter, and money cannot always be the only way to acquire them. Many of us have been in similar situations; there was a time in my life I was troubled and felt like a failure because almost all of my mates and friends were getting married and starting their families. It felt like everyone else I knew was progressing in life but me. I thought my issue was not finding the right opportunities and also, not making enough money. But the real issues were my unresolved emotional baggage I carried underneath my excuses. They were discoloring my interactions with people

Reuben: I know I have personal issues to deal with

DBM: This life has so much beauty in it. You are surrounded by one of such already, a wife and children, waiting on you to enjoy the moment with them

Reuben: Money to get them what they ask for could also do the trick

DBM: Money will buy them the things that will make them happy, but money is not happiness. At least, from my point of view. A friend I usually walk with in the mornings presented an interesting analogy to me a few days ago. He asked me how I would feel if someone gifted me $10, 000, 000. I quickly jumped in and said I would take it in a heartbeat. Then he asked what I would do if that same gift was offered me, but with a condition to die after one month. Would you still take the money?

Reuben: No

DBM: Why?

Reuben: Life is sweet

DBM: With or without the needed cashflow, no?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: You are even blessed; you have a job. I know many guys with families who are unemployed, and are relying on the mercies and understanding of their wives to hold the forte at home while they job hunt. You need to build your self-worth so you can be strong enough to survive emotionally. Being kind, patient and encouraging to your own self is a standard you can set, so others can emulate when dealing with you.

Reuben: Thanks

DBM: The husband role, in itself is a huge responsibility that can easily become overwhelming by all the expectations associated with it. No husband is perfect, and so your wife should not be expecting you to be perfect all the time. You cannot give what you know you do not have

Reuben: True

DBM: Participant 147, Ayele, left a question for you: ‘What teacher in school made the most impact on you, and why?’

Reuben: His name was Mr. Jackson. Aside his classroom responsibilities, he took the time to get to know me, and helped me to learn and grow from the years I was in Senior High School. I almost considered becoming a teacher myself.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Reuben: Do you have a pet? If yes, what would they say about you if they could talk?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Keira Burton

Let’s Talk To Ayele

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 147: Ayele is my name

DBM: Hello Ayele. How would you describe yourself?

Ayele: I am simply a Christian. I am a mother, wife and modestly serving the people of God.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ayele: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ayele: I feel very bad doing this but it’s also troubling me. I am married to a gifted man of God. I will not reduce the call on his life just to make a point. My husband is a gifted Prophet of God, but I feel like his priorities are all over the place. He loves the spotlight. He loves to be complimented. He wants to be recognized. He loves the money he is making from his calling. But does he live his private life according to the Word of God? No! Does he really read the Bible and know or understand what it says about some of the things he’s doing in secret? No! Is he the shepherd of our family? No! He would rather please outsiders he benefits financially from, than to please his own wife or make time for his children. I hate to bring all these things up but my husband is very arrogant. He is not humble; he is not a giver. If he’s giving to help someone, it’s because it’s for the show of it, indirectly to get financiers to donate money to his ministry. In other words, he pretends to give to make money at the end. He is very selfish and would make everything about him. It’s been the hardest job to ever take on as his wife

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ayele: 19 years

DBM: Okay!

Ayele: He is doing really bad stuff, and I am unable to say anything. I’m striving to be a good woman of God

DBM: Can you elaborate on the bad stuff?

Ayele: Misuse of church funds. He is very dishonest and a cheat. He takes advantage of vulnerable women seeking his guidance

DBM: Is he a responsible husband and father?

Ayele: He makes a lot of money, and so the finances of the home are always taken care of. My husband doesn’t have time for me. Other people have his time, not me

DBM: When was the last time you said a prayer for your husband?

Ayele: I don’t remember

DBM: Do you pray?

Ayele: I do

DBM: What do you usually pray about?

Ayele: I pray for my children and their future. I pray for myself and my parents and siblings. I pray for the vulnerable congregation at our church who are so trusting of my husband’s antics.

DBM: Did you know all this about him before marrying him?

Ayele: No

DBM: Why did you marry him?

Ayele: Because he asked me to marry him

DBM: Did you want to marry him?

Ayele: I am not sure I did

DBM: So, why did you go ahead with it?

Ayele: He can be very persuasive. He told me I am the woman for him

DBM: But was he the man for you?

Ayele: He wasn’t my type

DBM: Were you single, as at the time he expressed interest in you?

Ayele: Yes

DBM: What specifically did you like about him?

Ayele: I liked his church, and the way he used to preach.

DBM: What has changed?

Ayele: I’ve come to really know his true character, and it’s not pretty from the inside

DBM: Understood

Ayele: Do you think God loves him?

DBM: The kind of love I’ve come to experience from, and understand about GOD is not based on how good or bad one is. You have children, no?

Ayele: I do

DBM: What’s the name of your son?

Ayele: Nana

DBM: Why do you love Nana?

Ayele: Because he’s my child

DBM: So, you love him unconditionally?

Ayele: To some extent, yes.

DBM: You do not love Nana, because he is a good student in school. You do not love Nana, because he is handsome. You do not love Nana, because he is a respectful child.

Ayele: No

DBM: Else, it would be horrifying, no? Imagine him failing in science, or him disfiguring his face or body due to an accident. Imagine him suddenly, becoming stubborn and rude, etc. You get my point?

Ayele: Yes

DBM: Your husband is a child of GOD, if he’s accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. And, GOD being our heavenly Father, loves him way better than he would ever know how to even love his own children with you. We all sin against GOD in different ways, yet we’re awake this morning. It’s just by the mercy of GOD that we all get to live whichever way we are living our lives. The compassion of GOD is at work on behalf of your husband. GOD is having pity on him, every day as he continues to do what you describe as ‘off’. GOD has not given up on your husband because He sees beyond what your eyes can see. Probably, your husband has the potential to be a better human being someday in the future. Your kids are not perfect, are they?

Ayele: No, they’re not

DBM: They lie, they steal, they fight, etc.

Ayele: Yes

DBM: As humans, we all have the ability within to sin, and GOD knows this

Ayele: Hmmm!

DBM: Your husband will figure himself out at the right time. GOD does not love him because he’s doing something right or wrong. He just loves him because GOD is love. Just keep trusting GOD. He will come through for you and your family.

Ayele: Amen!

DBM: Just as you and your husband agreed to marry (for whatever reason, best known to the both of you), prayed for the gift of the womb, and now have children you loved before they were even born. Have you even thought about it; you loved your children way before you considered the kind of names to give them – when they were born. You loved your son Nana, before you knew what he was going to even look like. GOD’s love for us is deep eh!

Ayele: I am smiling

DBM: Why are you smiling?

Ayele: I don’t know how to explain it, but you’re making a lot of sense.

DBM: GOD will bring your husband to his knees. Just leave him to GOD, and do right by yourself, family and GOD.

Ayele: Yes sir. Dave, I think you can be a preacher, a really good one.

DBM: Thank you! Well, I’ve come to that point in my life now – where I know the call upon my very existence. I’m taking my relationship with GOD very seriously, and have decided to give all that is within me to Him, and Him alone. You can follow my ministry  https://audiomack.com/davidbondze

I am recording an 18-track Gospel Album to bless any heart willing to be blessed. I am strictly going to talk about my understanding of the love of GOD, from my own personal experience with Him. Every month, I will release an original song GOD has blessed me with, to be a blessing unto anyone seeking encouragement in the Lord.

Ayele: Okay!

DBM: Participant 146, Sono, left a question for you: ‘what do you know or have heard about David Bondze-Mbir, and why do you follow him on Facebook?’

Ayele: I follow you because I love how organized your Facebook platform is; very mature and engaging. I also love to read about other people’s experiences in marriages when they share them with you.

DBM: Oh, okay! The question also says, ‘what do you know or have heard about me’

Ayele: I’ve heard two things that I don’t know whether they’re true or false.

DBM: You mind sharing?

Ayele: I heard you’re Gay

DBM: I see

Ayele: Are you Gay?

DBM: I am a human being without societal labels

Ayele: What does that mean?

DBM: It means I do not subscribe to people’s interpretations of what they think of me

Ayele: Does it not bother you?

DBM: No! I live a very happy and fulfilled life. GOD has been good to me. We all make assumptions of people, whether true or not. I give room to people who choose to single me out as a person, and monitor me more closely. It’s a healthy exercise for their time.

Ayele: The second rumor I’ve heard is that, you sleep with some of the married women who come to your inbox to share their marital issues.

DBM: I have never slept with any married woman in my life

Ayele: How about the single women you chat with in your inbox?

DBM: I have never slept with any of the ladies who have approached me on social media to share their problems with me.

Ayele: How about those who approach you in person?

DBM; I am naturally not an outgoing person, so I hardly would meet random people – for whatever reason.

Ayele: Okay!

DBM: Anymore?

Ayele: No, just these.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ayele: What teacher in school made the most impact on you, and why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Tony Jamesandersson

Let’s Talk To Sono

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 146: Sono

DBM: Hi Sono. How would you describe yourself?

Sono: A gentle giant with a heart and conscience

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sono: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Sono: My entire life has been shaped because of a choice I made. I married a woman who had strong financial values and goals. She was just a secretary when we first met; a secretary who sold ice cream, ice water and fruits as a side job. She baked meat pie and would supply a basic school next to her house before going to work. Barely a year of knowing her, I had rivetted to her habits. We had become teammates with similar values and goals on our finances. My father was reckless with money, and so I grew up seeing my mother always burdened, muffled and irritated. Unfortunately for me, I was almost ending up like my father until I met my wife.

DBM: How old were you when you met your wife?

Sono: 32

DBM: How old was she?

Sono: 25

DBM: How long have you been married?

Sono: 28 years this year

DBM: I see. Congratulations!

Sono: Thank you

DBM: How does your wife think in general?

Sono: Let me tell you the first question she asked me when I expressed interest in her, ‘What did your father teach you about money?’

DBM: For real?

Sono: Yes

DBM: What was your response?

Sono: The truth. I told her I had similar traits and she was like, ‘How much in debt do you owe?’

DBM: Lol!

Sono: She made me understand she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with a man with bad financial habits.

DBM: Hmmm! I kind of side with her

Sono: Why?

DBM: That is a woman who knows she deserve a good man. If you want a good woman, you ought to become the type of guy deserving of that good you seek in her. I wouldn’t be comfortable dating a partner who would come into my life to only compound my existing problems.

Sono: That was her attitude towards me

DBM: I like her. She’s good in Math?

Sono: No! My wife always says her financial goals are more behavioral and emotional than anything mathematics related.

DBM: I see

Sono: I’m teaching our sons how to save, budget and spend with caution

DBM: Why is that important?

Sono: As a man, you need to understand how these things work. Unfortunately, many guys with families are spending their entire lives working for money. Ask yourself, how many of these guys are getting ahead in life – even after the hustle?

DBM: Hmmm!

Sono: Thanks to my wife’s insistence, I know how to not worry about money

DBM: 28 years in marriage; rate your experience thus far

Sono: It’s been a journey I’ll choose to take all over again, in a heartbeat. I will choose my wife any day. It’s not been easy; we’ve had our share of problems but we’ve never talked bad about each other to a third party. I have friends who are always complaining in the negative about their spouses, and I realized anytime they did that, it indirectly minimized their spouse’ integrity to some extent in our eyes. That is not a state I would ever want to put the mother of my children. And as my wife would always say, it takes away from the one telling us stories about their spouse’s own character.

DBM: Indeed! How do you deal with disagreements?

Sono: We know we cannot always get along, so whenever there is a heated argument between us, we remind ourselves first, that because we fight doesn’t mean our relationship is in trouble. We address issues for what they are without blaming the other. I can’t even remember the last time we fought, that we ended up impugning the other’s character or flaws.

DBM: Do you believe love is worth pursuing?

Sono: Love is a good thing, in as much as the people doing the loving are the ones sometimes making relationships complicated. For me, I know what I like about my wife and what I like in my wife. She says I am the right man for her, and I believe she is the right woman for me. There is nothing to this effect. Even when I am mad at her, I know I am angry because I love her so much. I can’t explain what I mean by that but it is what it is. Even with our 28 years history, I cannot confidently say that I know our marriage will survive the long haul. There is no real issue hindering the success of our marriage. In fact, everything is close to perfect with our relationship but I’m still unable to know whether or not things will work out for our good. I don’t know if I will continue loving and choosing her forever, even though at the back of my head, I know I would. I cannot tell whether or not she is pleased with me as her husband. And, it’s okay. That is how love is supposed to be. I am not supposed to see through its fine lines. All I know is, my solid marriage has the capability of falling apart, and it’s my duty to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening to me. I am not comfortable with my happy situation; I’ve not become complacent whatsoever. I’m still putting in the work to achieve the ‘Till death do us part’ bit in my vow to her.

DBM: Is she approaching her marriage to you through this same lens?

Sono: Yes

DBM: Has one woman been enough for you?

Sono: My wife is the only woman I have known in every way since we married. One woman can make you feel alive if you allow her room to grow on you the way you desire to be loved. One woman is enough. We’re just a bunch of selfish, greedy and inconsiderate people coming up with all sorts of excuses to not be trustworthy. I would rather argue with my wife than sleep with another woman.

DBM: Participant 145, July, left a question for you: ‘Which is ideal: asking for permission to cheat, or asking for forgiveness after being caught cheating?’

Sono: I read her question, and I remember smiling to myself. The nature of my relationship with my wife is such that, we are open and very honest about everything. When I find another woman attractive, she’s the first woman I tell. She’s found many guys attractive; two of my friends have flirted with her and I was the first to be told. We respect our commitment to the extent that, if we tell each other about something, anything, we don’t react poorly towards one other. Liking or finding other people attractive has never been an off-limits conversation to be had in our home. It’s not even about the friendship I’ve built with my wife. We have been able to do 28 years together because we are transparent with information and do not create a reason to doubt the other’s intention.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Sono: This is my question to one after me, what do you know or heard about David Bondze-Mbir, and why do you follow him on Facebook?

DBM: Really? Lol!

Sono: This is where you say, Thank you! 😁

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Any Lane

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