Let’s Talk To Atɛ and Aku

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 169a:  I’m doing this with my wife. My name is Atɛ

Participant 169b: Aku

DBM: Hello Atɛ and Aku. How would you describe yourselves?

Atɛ: I am the custodian of a valuable gift called Aku. I cherish my gift, and I am willing to suffer well with her. I am a father of three, an engineer by profession and very friendly.

Aku: Entrepreneur, mother and wife

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Atɛ: 8/10

Aku: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Atɛ: Sweetie, would you want to speak first?

Aku: It has taken me 17 years to finally realize I was raped by one of my husband’s best friends. He was also one of his groom’s men at our wedding. I thought he looked familiar when he showed up at our wedding rehearsal. I couldn’t sleep that Friday evening because I felt I knew him from somewhere, and needed to remember exactly where. I asked my husband for his full name, searched for him on Facebook and LinkedIn, before putting two-and-two together. In one of his old photographs on Facebook, he had his afro hair. The guy who forced himself on me in the university had an afro, and it was him.

DBM: How did it happen?

Aku: It was my first year at school. I was out partying with friends. He approached to talk to me, and then later ordered us a drink. We left the party grounds early because he wanted to spend more time talking and knowing me. We got to his hostel; he offered me another drink – which I believe was drugged. I woke up naked at dawn, lying next to his naked body. I didn’t consent to sex.

DBM: Had you had too much alcohol to drink?

Aku: No. The drink was spiked

DBM: What did you do next, after realizing what might have happened?

Aku: I got dressed and left to my hostel. I was very ashamed, I decided it was something to be kept a secret. But I later found out I was pregnant.

DBM: Was he the only guy you had been with during that time frame?

Aku: I hadn’t had sex with a guy prior to that night. I have a 16, almost 17-year-old son.

DBM: Does your son know who his father is?

Aku: No!

Atɛ: He knows me to be his father

DBM: Since when?

Atɛ: Since meeting my wife

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Atɛ: 8 years

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your friend

Atɛ: We go way back

DBM: How far back?

Atɛ: Childhood buddies

DBM: What is his character like?

Atɛ: He’s chill; passive-aggressive behavior sometimes. He used to drink a lot, but not anymore. He’s also married.

DBM: I see. May I know why you agreed for us to talk?

Atɛ: My wife wants me to end my friendship with him

DBM: Did you know about your wife’s ordeal?

Atɛ: She told me about it

DBM: When?

Atɛ: A few months into the relationship, when she had to tell me about his son

DBM: And, you knew it was your friend?

Atɛ: No! She put a name to his face on our honeymoon. In fact, we spent our entire honeymoon discussing him.

DBM: What did you agree on?

Atɛ: I suggested we didn’t tell him about his son, since he didn’t even recognize my wife. Also, I didn’t want him meddling in our lives.

Aku: But you’re still hanging and drinking out with him. I’ve told you I’m very uncomfortable with your closeness

Atɛ: He is my friend, Sweetie

Aku: Your friend who raped me

DBM: How do you feel about what he allegedly did to your wife?

Atɛ: It was wrong. But then again, he was young, and stupid; I can’t fault him for being under the influence. He was drinking and probably doing drugs at that age. But he is a nice guy

Aku: He is not

Atɛ: You don’t even know him like that

Aku: Before dropping out of Uni to carry the pregnancy to term, I told one of my closest friends what had happened. She decided to test him to see if he intentionally preyed on vulnerable girls. She stalked him to a bar he was frequenting, and pretended to be near-collapsing and drunk – just to see if he would lure her into taking her home with him. He approached her, pretended to like her, bought another drink, before taking her to his hostel. According to my friend, he started to sexually assault her. That was when she dropped her act to call him out.

DBM: Atɛ, why haven’t you told him about his son?

Atɛ: I know my friend; he will never be able to forgive himself. And, it will ruin our friendship

DBM: Which is important to you, your friendship with him or your wife’s peace of mind?

Atɛ: That’s not a fair question

DBM: You seem to be doing a good job picking up his slack

Atɛ: Come on! I am not defending him. I am just saying, what is past stays in the past

Aku: Really?

DBM: What your wife is trying to say is that, the thought of you still hanging out with him makes it impossible for her to release that past – which weighs heavy on her heart and mind

Atɛ: I am not dismissing her ordeal. I just feel like we can all claim our power, and not allow what other people do or have done to control how we feel or live our lives

DBM: Some memories have triggers that are hard to forget. She got pregnant with his son. Have you considered how difficult it has been for her to always be suppressing the negative association the mere sight of her son links to him?

Atɛ: I love you Sweetie

Aku: I don’t want your love

DBM: Have you had an open, judgement-free conversation with your husband about his friend, and how their friendship makes you feel?

Aku: I have

DBM: And?

Aku: He says it cannot happen

DBM: What would be some of your realistic boundaries?

Aku: I don’t want him at our house for any reason. I don’t want him and my husband to be friends.

Atɛ: As I already promised you, I will not invite him home again. That’s the best I can do in this situation.

Aku: That is not good enough.

DBM: Do you care about your wife?

Atɛ: I do

DBM: And it doesn’t upset you that your friendship with the said person, inconveniences her?

Atɛ: It does

DBM: Can you at least find a common ground?

Atɛ: I already have; he doesn’t come to our house

DBM: That is your understanding of listening to, and validating your wife’s feelings?

Atɛ: We all have a past: some good, while others are better off forgotten. We all have done shit that we’re ashamed of, and wish we never did. Some skeletons are better left in the closet.

Aku: Dave, you’re not asking about the similar skeletons my husband may have also left in his closet

Atɛ: I have nothing to hide, Sweetie

Aku: Were you taking advantage of vulnerable girls?

Atɛ: I have never done any such thing

Aku: Then, why are you defending your friend?

DBM: His best friend doesn’t necessarily have to be your friend too. You know that, no?

Aku: But here is the case I cannot stand his friend, and the thought of them drinking and laughing together is what is creating tension now in our marriage?

DBM: Are there any unhealthy behaviors that you feel you’re beginning to accept as part of your friendship with him?

Atɛ: No!

Aku: Yes, I can name a few

DBM: Let’s hear it

Aku: He drinks a lot on weekends and some evenings during the weekday with them; he’s been taking advantage of his kindness; they have affairs with other girls outside their marriages; my husband now knows how to lie a lot to me, and his friend is not that loyal to him as he is to him.

Atɛ: Not true

DBM: Which of her observations aren’t accurate, in your opinion?

Atɛ: He’s not taking advantage of my kindness. We’re not excessive alcoholics. We drink considerably. And, he’s loyal. I can trust him

DBM: I’m curious though: how does your friendship with him fit into your life?

Atɛ: He’s like a safe space in my life to process certain feelings I cannot share with my wife. We also talk about other important things

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Atɛ: Sweetie is my friend

Aku: Am I your best friend?

Atɛ: I have a best friend, and so do you

DBM: Are you able to make time to have fun together as a couple?

Atɛ: Sometimes

DBM: And, you communicate openly on the daily?

Atɛ: Yes

Aku: No!

DBM: Do you want what’s best for each other?

Atɛ: I do

Aku: Yes

DBM: Are you in agreement with your partner having all kinds of friends?

Atɛ: Yes. I have never asked her not to be friends with someone she likes

DBM: Some quality-outside-friendships can bring joy to people and even, contribute positively to their marriages. Hopefully, yours is doing same?

Atɛ: That’s my brother from another mother. That’s all I can say

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your son

Aku: Nenusem is a sweet, loving and gentle teenager. He’s still excited about holding my hand, hugging me, and will take any opportunity to tell me how much he loves me.

Atɛ: He does the same with me. He’s growing his own afro hair too.

DBM: Do you ever intend telling his biological father about his son?

Aku: Never

Atɛ: No. It’s not that a big deal

DBM: You’re choosing not to make a big enough deal out of it, but it really is a big deal. The fact is, you share a child and he doesn’t know that yet

Aku: And he will never know.

DBM: Participant 168, Susan, left a question for you: ‘If you knew in six months you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?’

Aku: I wouldn’t mind marrying a different man

Atɛ: What do you mean?

Aku: That is just my answer to Susan’s question

DBM: Susan’s question also asked ‘why’

Aku: I am very protective of the men I love, and they should be pretty much protective of me too. In the sense that, we both would be concerned with, and for each other’s emotional, spiritual and physical safety and overall wellbeing.

Atɛ: I have not been that for you?

Aku: That is a question only you can answer with your drinking buddy.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Atɛ: What does friendship mean to you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Lara Jameson

Let’s Talk To Susan

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 168:  I’m Susan

DBM: Hi Susan. How would you describe yourself?

Susan: Naturally a busy woman. I am the type that always needs something to occupy my time, else, I will go crazy

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Susan: 7 if I am not being made to feel bad about my decisions at home.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Susan: My husband wants me to stay at home and not work. He says that’s what is going to make him happy – if I am managing the household fulltime. He thinks it would be a burdensome responsibility when I have to manage the home, children and my work.

DBM: Is that what you want?

Susan: No!

DBM: What do you think will make you happy? Because your husband is clear on what would make him happy

Susan: I hold a Master of Finance degree, and currently looking to make career change. I want something that can increase my potential earnings.

DBM: In other words, you do not want to be a housewife?

Susan: I do not want to be a housewife. I work hard, and I love to work in my field. I think that is one of the few things that makes me smile.

DBM: Life is always better when we have the perfect opportunity to do what makes us smile the more. Afterall, you did not marry your husband just to accompany him in his life

Susan: Thank you!

DBM: What does he do for a living?

Susan: He’s a medical practitioner

DBM: How long have you been married?

Susan: We’re 2 and a half

DBM: You have children?

Susan: Not yet

DBM: How old are you?

Susan: 33

DBM: Okay! Did you discuss the whole stay-at-home subject before getting married?

Susan: He told me that was what his mother did, and he is very proud of her because she made time for them while growing up

DBM: What has that got to do with you?

Susan: In other words, he would be very proud of me if I agreed to him working, while I stayed home.

DBM: And, what was your response?

Susan: There wasn’t a direct question asked me. He just made a passing statement, and I smiled.

DBM: Does he earn enough to take care of the home?

Susan: He does. I earn more than him though

DBM: I see

Susan: Just saying

DBM: Understood!

Susan: Sometimes, I feel like the root of it is insecurity

DBM: How so?

Susan: This may sound like a dumb thing to grumble, but he is scared other handsome or wealthy men may express interest in, or flirt with me while at work.

DBM: You’re a beautiful lady. I can see from your profile pictures

Susan: Thanks. He gets uncomfortable when men compliment my looks. He’s always insinuating, I try too hard to look good.

DBM: Do you?

Susan: Of course! I love to dress well. I want to always smell good. I feel confident like that.

DBM: Okay!

Susan: And happy

DBM: How is your sex life like?

Susan: On the low. Why do you ask?

DBM: Sometimes, too much stress from work can take away the quality of time to be spent with a lover

Susan: My drive is not low because of work-related stress

DBM: What is it then?

Susan: My husband doesn’t know how to talk to me with respect. His choice of words towards me sometimes kills the mood

DBM: He knows?

Susan: I have drawn his attention to it. I don’t know if every woman sees it this way too, but for me, foreplay begins the moment I wake up in the morning. If he chooses to be nice to me during the day, sex is easily guaranteed, and must be expected.

DBM: I believe men ought to uplift their partners. That should be the first form of support coming through us naturally. It’s not your job to just take care of your husband, while losing yourself. Being a wife has nothing to do with that. You have your identity outside of the marriage as a woman.

Susan: I don’t want him to feel as though, I don’t listen to him. Because that’s the lie he’s started feeding his mother.

DBM: Most people hardly would care about the truth when a lie is more entertaining.

Susan: What do I do?

DBM: You want my honest opinion?

Susan: Yes

DBM: Do not allow him to take your piece of happiness. Do things for you too

Susan: What if he interprets my actions for something else?

DBM: Something else like what?

Susan: Going against his wishes

DBM: Let me use a personal experience as an example: when I was young, my dream was to do music fulltime. I wanted to write songs and perform them live for people. My father, on the other hand did not approve of my decision. To him, education was everything; my power, my way in life to succeed. Anything else was to be considered a hobby, and not taken seriously. Till date, I cannot unhear the mean words he used to hurt my feelings – simply because I wouldn’t stop singing songs I had written at home. He didn’t think my songs were nice. He didn’t think I had a good voice. He couldn’t see success in a music career for his son, but would be the first to hail and acknowledge a popular and successful singer. Truth is, most dream crushers will be people that you respect and care about. They are usually the well-meaning folks, irrespective of their negative attitude towards your goals in life.

Susan: That sounds almost like my husband

DBM: What are some of the things he says that you feel draws you back?

Susan: ‘You don’t make time for me anymore’

DBM: What will make him say that?

Susan: When I return home from work, stressed or tired

DBM: Do you say the same thing to him when he’s tired and, or stressed from work?

Susan: No

DBM: Do you make time for your husband?

Susan: I do

DBM: If your husband delights in dissuading you every now and then from pursuing what makes you, you, for the sake of sustaining your marriage, then perhaps the marriage was never the right one to sacrifice.

Susan: Hmmm!

DBM: I’d rather love on someone who may not share the same dream with me, but would be okay to allow me grow and fully develop myself by pursuing what I enjoy doing the most.

Susan: I just hope you are right

DBM: This has nothing to do with being right or wrong. It’s simply a choice of what you believe is the best for you.

Susan: Sure

DBM: I asked this question earlier, but let me ask for the last time: how would you describe yourself?

Susan: My name is Susan; a woman with analytical mind and strong attention to detail. I enjoy working with numbers and managing money.

DBM: Participant 167, Richmond, left a question for you: ‘Do you give to others whatever they ask of you?’

Susan: Honestly, I hate to disappoint people, so a lot of the time, even though other activities would have stretched me too thin, I would still find myself almost giving in to whatever is being requested of me – just to make others happy.

DBM: And, are you able to put your ‘A’ game on these commitments?

Susan: Not really. It can be exhausting

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Susan: If you knew in six months you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Godisable Jacob

Let’s Talk To Richmond

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 167:  Richmond

DBM: Hello Richmond. How would you describe yourself?

Richmond: Slowing down and allowing myself to feel the feelings in my bones

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Richmond: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Richmond: My ex supervised one of my building projects to completion. Unfortunately, we broke up and she wants restitution.

DBM: Why did you break up?

Richmond: I met someone else

DBM: After dating your ex for how long?

Richmond: Five to six years. We were engaged

DBM: When did you break up?

Richmond: Two years ago

DBM: You’re still dating the other woman?

Richmond: We are married

DBM: For how long now?

Richmond: 2 years

DBM: How old are you?

Richmond: 42

DBM: How old is your ex?

Richmond: She’s 38

DBM: How old is your wife?

Richmond: 27

DBM: The building project your ex had to oversee, is it a house?

Richmond: Yes. Our plan was to get married and live in it together

DBM: Who lives in that property now?

Richmond: Me and my wife. We have a son

DBM: How old is your son?

Richmond: One and a half

DBM: Why was your ex the one supervising the project?

Richmond: I was not in Ghana. She was the only person I could trust with my money

DBM: Aside the fact that you met someone else, did she do something wrong to you?

Richmond: No

DBM: What kind of compensation is she seeking?

Richmond: Money

DBM: How much?

Richmond: $50, 000 USD

DBM: Do you have 50k?

Richmond: I don’t

DBM: Do you think she’s worth that much money?

Richmond: No

DBM: How much is she worth, in your approximation?

Richmond: Not that much for sure

DBM: Why do you think she’s asking for that amount?

Richmond: I don’t know. She thinks I owe her. I did not marry her. That was my only crime

DBM: Banyin na obotum atoo susu wɔ ne yer ne twɛ’mu na ɔdze akɔma basia fofor dɛ ondzi

Richmond: I cannot read it. Can you translate into English?

DBM: I was only saying it is of the utmost importance we keep our word, as men

Richmond: Yeah!

DBM: What are you going to do about her?

Richmond: She’s threatening to harm my family, and my wife is insisting I report her to the police

DBM: You needed your ex to help you complete your house

Richmond: Yes

DBM: Do you think you mistreated her in the complete picture of what could have been?

Richmond: I moved on. People move on

DBM: That’s very true but did you value her sacrifices for you?

Richmond: I did

DBM: Did you have her best interest at heart, and served her as much as she did you?

Richmond: I did my best

DBM: Describe your best to me

Richmond: Dave, I contacted you because I want to know if it’s harsh to report her to the police

DBM: You left her for another woman because you thought you were smart to realize that you deserved better

Richmond: My wife was the correct decision to make at that time

DBM: Because your ex was not your only option

Richmond: I’m not sure what else to say

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Richmond: Yes

DBM: And?

Richmond: She’s insisting I compensate her or she harms my family

DBM: Is she capable of carrying out the threat?

Richmond: I don’t know

DBM: If I am threatened in any way or form, I know I will call the police to report the threat.

Richmond: Thank you

DBM: Did you love her?

Richmond: Ex?

DBM: Yes

Richmond: Yes

DBM: Do you love her?

Richmond: I still care

DBM: I think what you did to her makes her feel as though she wasted her love for you. Supervising the building of your house was her way of proving to herself that she was more than capable of loving someone like you. What you did wrong, in return, was to not prove to her that her love and sacrifices for you were not worth it.

Richmond: Life goes on, bro Dave. I’ve moved on.

DBM: Participant 166, Louis, left a question for you: ‘What are you most proud of about yourself?’

Richmond: I am proud of the love I have for myself, and the fact that I am kinda taking care of my emotional and physical needs.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Richmond: Do you give to others whatever they ask of you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Cloud96 Adedayo

Let’s Talk To Louis

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 166:  Louis, my brother

DBM: Hi Louis. How would you describe yourself?

Louis: Not complicated, not hard to understand

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Louis: 5.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Louis: I’m tempted to cheat on my wife

DBM: How long have you been married?

Louis: 14 years

DBM: Why do you feel like cheating on your wife?

Louis: My hormones are controlling this version of me, I think

DBM: What are your hormones seeking exactly?

Louis: More fun, more sex. I think I need a short break from the routine of my busy life

DBM: How busy are you in life?

Louis: So much going on lately

DBM: Like?

Louis: I don’t want to talk about it

DBM: Is sex lacking at home?

Louis: Not really

DBM: Is wifey a boring person?

Louis: Nah!

DBM: So, what is it then?

Louis: I feel like I need my batteries charged with a connection more available to me and my sexual needs

DBM: How would you rate your sex life with your wife?

Louis: Now?

DBM: Yeah

Louis: 55 to 60-ish %

DBM: I see

Louis: Also, I don’t want to stress her. Too much on her plate

DBM: Too much as in?

Louis: The children, her work, her dad, she’s also in school, etc.

DBM: What’s wrong with her father?

Louis: He’s sick

DBM: How old are your children?

Louis: 12, 10 and 7 years

DBM: How does your wife make you feel?

Louis: Make me feel, like how?

DBM: Tell me something about your wife

Louis: She’s self-sufficient, very independent, a great person, and a very hardworking woman. I feel desired by her. She makes me feel like I am the greatest man, and capable of anything

DBM: Are you capable of loving her?

Louis: Of course, I love my wife

DBM: How much?

Louis: Lol! I love her

DBM: Do you feel like you have lost your place in the marriage because she’s independent and self-sufficient?

Louis: Nothing like that

DBM: So, you feel useful in the marriage?

Louis: I do

DBM: How about your use and purpose in the marriage

Louis: I’m still the man and head of our home

DBM: In other words, you do not feel lost in where your place is, in the marriage?

Louis: I am able to fulfill my responsibilities as a man, husband and father

DBM: Are you attracted to your wife?

Louis: I am

DBM: She pleases you sexually?

Louis: Yes

DBM: You get pleasure from being with her?

Louis: Yes

DBM: Are you miserable in the marriage?

Louis: No

DBM: Are you in an unhappy marriage?

Louis: No

DBM: There is happiness at home?

Louis: We’re happy together, yes.

DBM: She takes very good care of you?

Louis: She does

DBM: Do you feel admired in your marriage?

Louis: My wife finds me attractive. She’s proud of me

DBM: Does she take your need for sex seriously?

Louis: She tries her very best

DBM: And is her ‘very best’ good enough for you?

Louis: It could be better, but at the moment, manageable. Are you married?

DBM: I’ve done five years loving and committing to someone, and each year has presented us different versions of ourselves that challenged our purpose

Louis: I didn’t know that. I thought you were single

DBM: I am not. I don’t discuss my personal relationship

Louis: Have you faced similar temptation?

DBM: I’ve been attracted to someone else before

Louis: And?

DBM: I drew nearer to the temptation to talk.

Louis: Just to talk?

DBM: The knowing you, knowing me process

Louis: I’m doing that too with the other woman

DBM: I see

Louis: And?

DBM: Mine could have been something equally beautiful – if I had pursued it

Louis: But…

DBM: I developed a taste bud for fine wine, and came to the realization that, even as a novice in wine tasting, I could tell the difference between an old and a new wine by the excitements each presented to me.

Louis: I love wine

DBM: Good. An aged wine has a pleasing flavor to it. Your wife of 14 years isn’t the same young lady you met and married 14 years ago

Louis: No, she’s not

DBM: You have at home, a woman who has grown strong with you, throughout the different seasons of your 14 years together, holding you, the children, the family and marriage down, no?

Louis: Yes

DBM: I came to the realization that; I’d rather have and value love that has grown strong.

Louis: Hmmm! Like fine wine

DBM: How long have you been engaging the other lady?

Louis: Almost three months

DBM: What’s your favorite fruit?

Louis: Apple

DBM: In what world do you compare a three months old apple juice to a 14 year old wine?

Louis: Yeah…

DBM: Does it even make sense to you? Just like the roots of any tree, its dense root are the masterstrokes to its endurance and potential to thrive. Question is, which of these new temptations catching your attention has done 14 years of YOU, three kids, and managing your household to build a family?

Louis: Point well noted

DBM: You have something that grows strong at home, Louis, and she’s your wife

Louis: I know

DBM: You may not need your wife to meet your horny moments. You do not need your wife to survive; she does not need you to survive either. In fact, no woman does. But for your marriage to survive, you need your wife.

Louis: Yes. My wife is not perfect, but she’s good

DBM: Try to love this new version of your wife that you’re currently staying with

Louis: I will try

DBM: That’s the least you can do. Find each other in this new phase of your marriage. Some of us are intentional on doing that

Louis: I need to say though, that a few things aren’t working to make our marriage as I want it

DBM: You can choose to divorce yourself from the version of your marriage that isn’t working for you now, and learn to adapt to the new phase it’s taking. Remember good wine, over the course of years undergoes a series of complicated changes that impact its aroma, flavors, and colors. And these changes elevate the wine to new heights, while revealing its entirely new character.

Louis: Yes

DBM: Good wine prepares the heart for love. And I know for a fact, the longer the wine is left to ferment, after being transferred to the oak barrel or glass jugs, the finer the wine tastes. What does your wife taste like today?

Louis: Nutritious

DBM: Your marriage can have the potential to grow into a deep, fruitful love, and the roots of your love can also grow stronger over time

Louis: Yes

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Louis: What are you most proud of about yourself?

DBM: Thank you!

Louis: It was nice talking to you

 

Image Credit: Rachel Claire

Let’s Talk To Baaba

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 165:  Baaba

DBM: Hello Baaba. How would you describe yourself?

Baaba: I have an implausible ability to love, even if it hurts me

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Baaba: Five

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Baaba: It’s been months since my husband underwent open-heart surgery to fix a valve that was leaking. An artery was also clogged, and so he got that too fixed. He’s slowly recovering; I thank God for that. Truthfully, I am doing everything possible to avoid problems that may slow down his recovery but I can’t seem to let go of an awkward moment he created the day of his surgery, at the hospital. The nurses took all foreign belongings they didn’t need him to carry along to the operating theater: his wallet, wedding ring, shoes, watch, etc. He refused to hand over his phone. He switched the phone off, and held on to it. The nurses assured him it would be in their care and wouldn’t be given to me, but he wouldn’t let go till one of the doctors came to the ward. He asked for a piece of paper to write an agreement to be signed by him and the lead surgeon, before releasing his phone.

DBM: Do you know why he would do that?

Baaba: I can only think of one thing you men are good at

DBM: Lol! And what would that be? Lol!

Baaba: You think it’s funny?

DBM: No!

Baaba: The scene he created made me start to suspect him. I demanded for his phone when they started preparing him for the operation, but the surgeon refused. I was very angry I called my lawyer to demand for his phone from the hospital’s management. The hospital’s administrator sent me a photocopy of the agreement my husband drafted, and part of it read, ‘in the Event of my Death, Dr … is to destroy my phone.’

DBM: Wait! How long was his surgery?

Baaba: Almost six and a half hours

DBM: I see

Baaba: He was in intensive care for more than a week after his surgery, and the phone was still in the custody of the doctor.

DBM: For me, it’s understandable. He was simply honoring the wishes of your partner.

Baaba: He could not trust me with his phone but I am expected to share every step of his recovery journey with him?

DBM: I think your focus should be on your husband and other positive thoughts. He’s recovering from heart surgery and needs to be stable

Baaba: Dave, I’m having this experience too, it’s not just him. Do you know what it feels like to watch your husband go through pain?

DBM: Hmmm!

Baaba: He and I are supposed to be a team.

DBM: What did you think you were going to find on his phone?

Baaba: Evidence of an affair, or he has another family with a child involved

DBM: Is your husband the type to hurt your feelings that way?

Baaba: After what I witnessed at the hospital; anything is possible. The saddest part of it all is, my husband used to be that man who gave me the best memories. Lately, I look at him and he’s become a sour memory.

DBM: I will not doubt your suspicion. From my little association with women, I’ve come to realize you people can tap into a man’s actions faster and more effectively. It could be that you picked up what your partner wouldn’t consider – a very subtle clue into his deeds

Baaba: That’s every woman’s intuition, Dave

DBM: I know. But for the time being, I would suggest you navigate your thought-processes with a little bit of confidence in him.

Baaba: I cannot

DBM: He’s home now, no?

Baaba: Yes

DBM: And you still cannot have access to his phone?

Baaba: He’s deleted whatever he didn’t want me to find out on his phone

DBM: How do you know this?

Baaba: Because he leaves his phone unattended; something he never did

DBM: I see. You have children?

Baaba: Yes, and I am raising them almost alone

DBM: Why is that?

Baaba: He thinks his responsibility is to only provide for the house and pay school fees. I have to sometimes force him to stay at home and make time for our children.

DBM: What is his excuse to be going out that often?

Baaba: He says the children stress him

DBM: But they don’t stress you too?

Baaba: Ask him for me. Hmmm!

DBM: Do you work?

Baaba: I am a Charted Accountant, Dave. I am a very busy woman but I prioritize my marriage and children. My husband does not, and I have to still muster up a feeling of courage to still smile and carry on.

DBM: I honestly do respect parents who can raise strong children and intentionally, lay a pattern of decent living by their own example of life. I applaud your level of resilience

Baaba: It’s not easy

DBM: I can only imagine. Participant 164, Juliana, left a question for you. ‘Whoever is next should evaluate my final decision’

Baaba: Juliana made the right decision. I do not believe that once you are married, your self-worth has to take a backseat to the other party’s mess. A man’s dishonesty cannot be your reality. No woman should endanger her heart just to follow a dishonest man, in the name of marriage.

DBM:  It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Baaba: I don’t have a question

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Jackson David

Let’s Talk To Juliana

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 164: My name is Juliana

DBM: Hi Juliana. How would you describe yourself?

Juliana: I am a full pie, and I give my all when in a committed relationship. I am however, unable to give my 100% to a man who chooses to go somewhere else for a piece of the same pie

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Juliana: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Juliana: A moment in my life when I came close to being gravely hurt

DBM: Were you physically scathed?

Juliana: Yes. I was hospitalized for three weeks, two days.

DBM: When did this happen to you?

Juliana: Last year

DBM: What happened?

Juliana: I was on phone with my husband as always, after work. I had also gone to pick the children from school, and was driving to the house. We discussed my day and his, he said hello to the children, and I was to end the call so he put finishing touches to work-related things at the office before coming home. We said our goodbyes, and I think he just put his phone down, thinking I would end the call as I usually do. I was still on the phone when the woman lying next to him asked if we were done talking. For almost 15 minutes, I listened to my husband and two women in the same room, having sex. I didn’t know what happened to me next but I gained consciousness in a hospital bed.

DBM: How about the children?

Juliana: They sustained injuries but they’re fine.

DBM: And your husband?

Juliana: I’ve not spoken to him since September, last year.

DBM: Why not?

Juliana: I don’t know what to say to him. I’m informed that when the accident happened, and I was being rushed to the hospital, one of the eyewitnesses picked up my phone and my husband was shouting my name. He realized after the accident I was on the call all the while he was having sex.

DBM: Ha!

Juliana: He’s asked his family to beg for my forgiveness.

DBM: And?

Juliana: I’m not sure of the way forward right now

DBM: Why is that?

Juliana: Once a cheat, always will cheat

DBM: Hmmm!

Juliana: Where is the lie here?

DBM: People can change to do right by you, if they want to.

Juliana: He’s already broken that boundary in this scenario

DBM: People grow and learn every day to do better

Juliana: I know

DBM: How would you advise anyone coming into a shocking revelation or information, while driving?

Juliana: If it’s safe to do so, just pull over somewhere and turn off the engine. You will need that moment to carefully compose yourself.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Juliana: 7 years

DBM: How many children?

Juliana: 2, a boy and a girl.

DBM: Does your husband fully comprehend how much devastation he’s caused?

Juliana: I don’t think he does. For me, if a man is willing to cheat on me, then he’s willing to also lose me

DBM: Why do you think he cheated?

Juliana: That’s his question to answer, not mine.

DBM: I see

Juliana: I know he’s always fancied engaging in a threesome with me. I am not up to it, and so I think he’s been looking around for willing participants

DBM: Why are you not up to it?

Juliana: I feel like it’s an avenue to invite a third person into the marriage.

DBM: Three is a crowd?

Juliana: Three is a crowd!

DBM: Okay! Prior to the incident, how were things going between you two?

Juliana: I thought all was well. Do you believe a man has to have a reason to justify an affair?

DBM: No! We make the decision to be unfaithful.

Juliana: I agree. Trusting him again is impossible for me right now

DBM: I can understand

Juliana: His family wouldn’t let me rest. They want me to forgive and forget

DBM: But forgiveness should happen on your timeline and terms, not theirs

Juliana: They don’t get it

DBM: Do not be rushed.

Juliana: I am dwelling on what he did to me till I am ready to finally move on

DBM: What’s going through your mind now?

Juliana: I am not pained by the sex he was having; it’s the lies he made me believe – that, everything was perfect in our marriage. That’s what keeps making me feel worse about him. I am very offended by his actions

DBM: If you take offense to heart, you will be giving him and anyone else involved, power to offend you more

Juliana: Hmmm!

DBM: Do you know how long it’s been going on between them?

Juliana: No

DBM: Do you want to know?

Juliana: I don’t want to know. I feel like he’s gotten away for while now, living this double life

DBM: I get you

Juliana: Why would a Christian man want to engage in a threesome in the first place?

DBM: Have you asked him why he fancies such?

Juliana: I asked him once and he said it could spice our sex life

DBM: How was your sex life?

Juliana: I thought it was good

DBM: What was his opinion of it?

Juliana: Same thing; he believed we had a fun sex life

DBM: I see. Do you think your relationship with him can be repaired?

Juliana: No. I fear contracting a disease if I am to just sweep his actions under the rug

DBM: Well, some sexually transmitted diseases can last for the long haul if care is not taken.

Juliana: That’s my point. I would rather call it quit than hang around.

DBM: Is the health aspect of it the only reason why?

Juliana: I am willing to forgive him if he comes to ask me for forgiveness, but I don’t think I want to rebuild what he’s broken. David, you teach people how to treat you. If I take him back and pretend what he did didn’t impact our marriage, I am only encouraging him to next time conceal his cheating a bit better. I don’t want to be his case-study to other cheating men that, some women, and in this context, me, choose to stay with men even after their betrayal of trust.

DBM: Will your mind be at peace with this decision?

Juliana: Of course! My decision stops me from questioning my confidence. Whatever void he needed filled with his affair can be filled once I set him free. I cannot carry the burden of meeting a need in a man who does not respect me as his wife.

DBM: Did your husband meet all of your needs?

Juliana: My needs, as a wife, are non-negotiable: I need my husband to be honest with me. I need my husband to be faithful to me. My husband should be a man of integrity. Mind you, these are not my needs as a woman; these are not my wants. These are the needs of a wife

DBM: Participant 163, TP, left a question for you. ‘What is your understanding of Hebrews 13:4?’

Juliana: Hebrews 13:4 to my understanding is the repercussions of adultery: I am not supposed to give my husband my physical, intellectual and emotional intimacy after taking for granted the essence of our union. I am at liberty to refuse him my pie.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Juliana: Whoever is next should evaluate my final decision

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: PICHA Stock

Let’s Talk To TP

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 163: Toothpick

DBM: Hello TP. How would you describe yourself?

TP: Always horny

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

TP: 4 right now

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

TP: One of my directors at work is my taste. I am invited to his office a lot for work discussions. I have been tempted more than a dozen times to touch his thigh, and then, assuming he doesn’t get offended, move my hand up to feel his hard dick.

DBM: You love Vitamin D that much?

TP: Lol! If the size is satisfying, I become very happy during sex. Good sex enhances my beauty

DBM: Describe satisfying

TP: Very thick and somewhat within 8.5 to 9 inches in length, with girth. Sex becomes intense with the proper vitamins D

DBM: Is this guy you’re telling me about, single?

TP: 50/50

DBM: Meaning?

TP: He is in the process of divorcing his wife

DBM: That is what he’s told you?

TP: Yes

DBM: Are you single?

TP: I am married. Dave, I desire my husband, don’t get me wrong. Our sex life is ‘ok’, and I believe that is what has turned into feeling more desired myself.

DBM: ‘Okay’ meaning what?

TP: In as much as it’s good, it gets boring at times. Sometimes, very stale or monotonous

DBM: Is this the first guy you have felt this way towards, outside of your marriage?

TP: No!

DBM: I see

TP: Some of these dudes out there are foine

DBM: Is your husband foine?

TP: He’s alright. Manageable

DBM: Describe your relationship with your husband to me

TP: Things aren’t perfect, but who’s complaining!

DBM: What do you think is missing, or could be going wrong from your perspective?

TP: About my marriage?

DBM: Yeah!

TP: My marriage is fine. I’m just beginning to find other men attractive

DBM: When did this sudden, random attraction start?

TP: When I found out my husband had been in a few affairs with other women

DBM: How long ago?

TP: Three years into the marriage

DBM: So, it’s your husband’s fault that you’re starting to also cheat?

TP: No

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband yet?

TP: Not yet

DBM: Do you want to?

TP: Yes

DBM: Because he showed you how to?

TP: Because I am realizing I am also a hot cake, and can fool around

DBM: How long have you been married?

TP: I prefer not to say

DBM: Why did you get married?

TP: Honest to God?

DBM: Let’s be real

TP: I married because all my friends were getting married and having children. I needed a man so bad that, when I met my husband, though it was partially clear to me he wasn’t ready to get married, I chose to block out all the little red flags he showed me – so he could choose me.

DBM: Red flags like?

TP: I wasn’t his only woman

DBM: So, you chose to be delusional?

TP: I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt

DBM: Did you trust him?

TP: I made a decision to trust and believe the best in him

DBM: That’s fair.

TP: I thought he could change

DBM: For you?

TP: Yeah!

DBM: Because you are the right woman for him?

TP: I could have

DBM: Nothing will change a man who fools women. No-thing!

TP: Hmmm!

DBM: I know a number of married men who want to leave their marriages but are not willing to end it. And so, they start engaging in a bunch of foolish behaviors that they know would piss their wives off. They’re intentional about these acts because they are trying to get their spouses to rather make that move. This enables them to play the victim card because their wives would be the ones wanting to leave. Is that what you think your husband could be up to?

TP: I don’t think he wants to leave me

DBM: Does he love you?

TP: Yes

DBM: How do you know?

TP: He tells me

DBM: Words mean nothing, really! What does his actions tell you?

TP: That he’s bullshitting me

DBM: The people we settle in marriages with do not necessarily have to love us. It’s not by-force, especially if they’re still unsure of the future of their decision. That doesn’t mean they don’t care about you.

TP: Hmmm! I’m not sure how to carry these wandering feelings

DBM: Are you happy with your partner?

TP: I am happy when he makes me a priority but I am not sure how he feels when he’s home with me

DBM: If a man is happy with you, he will not give much thought to all those other beautiful women on his path. He wouldn’t even flirt with them.

TP: And, if he’s unhappy?

DBM: Just as you’re doing, you suddenly notice all the attractive men you work with, and may even consider pursuing them.

TP: Dave, I have to go now

DBM: Wait! Before you leave, participant 162, Shaan, left a question for you: ‘Has life presented you with a challenge that has left you just hanging on?’

TP: I fell in love with my husband, thinking the passion and excitement could last forever. Now, the intensity of it has faded over time

DBM: Falling out of love should not mean you can’t care about each other

TP: Hmmm!

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

TP: What is your understanding of Hebrews 13:4?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Julia Larson

Let’s Talk To Shaan

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 162: My name is Shaan

DBM: Hi Shaan. How would you describe yourself?

Shaan: A phoenix rising from the ashes.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Shaan: I am 8 times happier today

DBM: I usually should be asking ‘What do you want to talk about?’ at this point. On the 2nd of December, 2021, you sent a message to me via Facebook messenger to be posted on my platform for opinions.

‘Dave, quick one. I picked my wife’s phone to make a call. I had low battery. There was an unread message from a guy. My wife had saved his name with a lady’s name. I wasn’t going to open it but because of the nature of the message, I had to read their conversations. The unread message on her screen was,

‘I will do anything for you, sweetie’

Dave, I know a woman can send such message but my instincts were telling me to confirm the gender from their chat. They had a long history chat, and calls. I discovered something that shocked me, and it was from their interactions last year – when my daughter was born. When my wife was in the labor ward, I was leading a presentation for our company. In fact, when my wife forwarded the picture of my daughter to me on WhatsApp, I was about to give a speech at the meeting. I was so excited, I had to announce to everyone I had a daughter.

I used FORWARDED because she originally had uploaded the picture to this man, with the caption, ‘our baby girl’. I took my phone to scroll to see the time she forwarded the same picture to me after sending it to him. 45 minutes. I was an afterthought. My daughter’s middle name is a name he suggested in their chat. My wife added the name to my girl’s name. There was no other suspicious language, but I realized from her call history, they call themselves a lot. A whole lot. They talk for hours and hours.’

Shaan: Yes, I remember

DBM: Did you read all the comments after the post?

Shaan: I did. That was a while ago

DBM: Great! Because my attention has been drawn to the post again, and people are asking for an update

Shaan: A lot has happened since I last talked to you about it. I am no longer with the woman. We had to agree to go our separate ways

DBM: What really happened?

Shaan: Aside making out with the guy I thought could also be my daughter’s father, Boom! News flash: we both weren’t.

DBM: As in?

Shaan: We were not the child’s biological fathers. You know women, even after the DNA test had clearly stated that the child wasn’t ours, she was denying messing around my back. She cried, bringing down the whole nine yards.

DBM: Do you know who the father of your daughter is?

Shaan: Yes. She eventually admitted to having a short fling with her boss’s boss. Dave, it’s all in the past now. I’ve moved on

DBM: I am terribly sorry about what you had to endure

Shaan: It’s in the past bro

DBM: What’s your relationship like with your daughter?

Shaan: She’s not my daughter bro

DBM: And you honestly believe you’re incapable of loving a kid that is not genetically linked to you?

Shaan: Not a child given to me under false pretense.

DBM: Where is your ex-wife now?

Shaan: I don’t know. I don’t care

DBM: Do you mind me asking how long you were married to her?

Shaan: Boss, I don’t want to talk about anything related to that past. I’ve moved on

DBM: I will respect that.

Shaan: Thanks

DBM: What have you been up to since?

Shaan: I’ve been busy paying attention to what inspires me and makes my heart sing. And have been discovering these new things about myself that aligns with my purpose.

DBM: That’s good to know.

Shaan: Yeah, bro

DBM: Do you see yourself giving you permission to fall in love again?

Shaan: Of course. My ex-wife wasn’t the only means through which I could have had my hopes and expectations for a relationship fulfilled. Just because she couldn’t fulfil them, doesn’t mean any and all hopes for a love relationship are over.

DBM: That’s true

Shaan: Yeah!

DBM: What is the one lesson you think you’ve learned from your unfortunate past?

Shaan: Anyone can let you down, especially those who make you believe they love you passionately, compassionately; those who make you believe you can rely on, and trust them wholeheartedly… they are the ones who can kill the love you have for them with their secrets.

DBM: But there are also those who genuinely can love passionately, compassionately, and are reliable and trustworthy

Shaan: I don’t doubt that. It probably was for the best that we ended things. I wasn’t fulfilling all of her needs. She wanted more in her life at a fast pace, but unfortunately, I couldn’t catch up. I didn’t have a good paying job to make her life comfortable.

DBM: Prior to marriage, you had both disclosed your full financial circumstances to each other, no?

Shaan: I did, but I also created a false impression to her, which I regret.

DBM: What did you promise her?

Shaan: A comfortable life, a good life.

DBM: You think you failed her?

Shaan: I think I let myself down.

DBM: Should a man make money by all means – if he has dreams of making a family of his own?

Shaan: From my experience, the one major issue at the center of marital contention has nothing to do with sex, or even the kids. It has everything to do with money

DBM: Are you dating?

Shaan: I am not dating, but I fuck every now and then

DBM: And, does the ‘every now and then’ fulfill you?

Shaan: My prostate gland and seminal vesicles are always producing semen. I need an avenue to be releasing them regularly

DBM: Participant 161, Hilda, left a question for you: ‘Do you prefer a thoughtful balance of invigorating honesty, or a lenient little white lie would suffice?’

Shaan: A lenient little white lie would suffice

DBM: Why is that?

Shaan: From my experience, the truth was very hurtful. At this point in my life, I care about whether you have good intentions around me, and not whether you’re being honest with me

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Shaan: Has life presented you with a challenge that has left you just hanging on?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

Let’s Talk To Hilda

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 161: Hilda

DBM: Hello Hilda. How would you describe yourself?

Hilda: Daddy’s adorable princess

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Hilda: Five

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Hilda: My father’s blood has been clotting for the past months, and he’s also suffering from stroke. He cannot move his right hand and leg; he cannot eat or swallow food. Even his speech is affected. He cannot see properly; he doesn’t seem to also remember a number of things. He is only 66 years old. My mother is refusing to take care of him. They had a rough patch in their marriage and my mother is using their past to punish him.

DBM: Are they still married?

Hilda: Legally, yes.

DBM: Is there a ‘no’ in the other forms of ‘lly’s’?

Hilda: Traditionally, my mother’s family returned my father’s drinks to annul their marriage

DBM: So, they’re divorced?

Hilda: The court hasn’t pronounced them divorced yet. Neither of them was willing to proceed in court.

DBM: Describe the severity of their ‘rough patch’

Hilda: My father was involved in some affairs, and he packed out of his matrimonial home to move in with one of his women. They were together for 12 years

DBM: ‘Were together?’

Hilda: She was cheating on him too

DBM: ‘On him too’, meaning what?

Hilda: My dad was cheating on her with another woman.

DBM: Let me get this right, your father cheated on your mother with this woman he moved in with for 12 years, and was cheating on her too with another?

Hilda: Yes

DBM: A lot of married women get bored in their bedrooms. Especially those in great marriages, who had known more than one man intimately – prior to marriage. They equally do miss the rush and the thought of being excited in an intense emotional and sexual connection with an attractive man. Most men think they’re the only species moved by what they see. Many women will go after what attracts them too. The only motivation needed is the right challenge to be thrown. A woman’s libido is as alive and kicking, and very enthusiastic about feeling satisfied as much as that of men.

Hilda: My dad messed up, we all know that

DBM: But does he know he messed up?

Hilda: He does now

DBM: You mean to say, it had to take his paralysis and sensory impairment to bring him to his knees, no?

Hilda: Hmmm!

DBM: What happened after your father found out he wasn’t the only smart douchebag in the equation?

Hilda: He sacked her from his house

DBM: They had kids?

Hilda: Yes. I have three half-siblings

DBM: Where are they?

Hilda: They’re with their mother

DBM: How many siblings do you have from your mother’s side?

Hilda: One. A brother

DBM: Where is he?

Hilda: He lives in Tema, with his family

DBM: Are you married?

Hilda: Yes, with children

DBM: I have a clearer background now. What do you want from your mother again?

Hilda: My brother and I have decided it’s the right thing to do for my mother to take care of my father

DBM: Because of what?

Hilda: Legally, he’s still her husband

DBM: In what world? Your father spent 12 years with another woman, and even procreated with her. Didn’t your mother also move on with her life?

Hilda: She’s always believed she was still married to him

DBM: So, she didn’t date or get married?

Hilda: She remained single

DBM: Do you know why she chose not to move on?

Hilda: Yes. He was her true love. She also believed he would eventually come back to her

DBM: With his inability to localize his body parts? Anyways, why aren’t you welcoming your own father under your roof?

Hilda: It’s a huge responsibility. I already have a lot on my plate

DBM: Like?

Hilda: A husband, my children and work. It’s a lot to ask for

DBM: And you think your mother wouldn’t feel overwhelmed, taking care of him?

Hilda: She can do it

DBM: How do you know?

Hilda: I know my mother

DBM: Would you take your husband back to nurse him, if he had treated you the same way your father did your mother?

Hilda: I don’t know, maybe.

DBM: Or maybe not. You know why? Because any man worthy of your love will be unstinting with R-E-S-P-E-C-T. And no woman should be spelling this out to a man.

Hilda: As Christians, I do not think my mother should pay back evil with evil

DBM: If your mother’s peace of mind distracts you from seeing the GOD in her, then you were never good a daughter to her.

Hilda: What makes you think that?

DBM: Because you want to shove your father down her throat

Hilda: My father needs the people he loves around him in these critical moments

DBM: That’s why you and your brother are there, no?

Hilda: We cannot take up this responsibility

DBM: Send him to any one of his other women

Hilda: I’m not sure they would take him in his present state

DBM: Hire a caregiver then. You and your brother can afford such service, no?

Hilda: We can, but our mother would do a better job at loving and caring for him

DBM: Is your mother deserving of something good?

Hilda: Yes

DBM: Then find another alternative to figure help for your father. He is not a pleasant presence to uphold in your mother’s sight.

Hilda: How about forgiveness?

DBM: Forgiveness doesn’t mean you should deny the hurt. It doesn’t mean your father should be let off the hook. You are conveniently explaining away your mother’s hurt, and I find that rather unfortunate and disrespectful. Your mother has the right to want to choose your father in his very vulnerable state. It’s her choice

Hilda: I know

DBM:   It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Hilda: Do you prefer a thoughtful balance of invigorating honesty, or a lenient little white lie would suffice?

DBM: Okay! Thank you!

Image Credit: Charlotte May

Let’s Talk To Paige

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 160: My name is Paige

DBM: Hi Paige. How would you describe yourself?

Paige: Something keeps nagging at my brain

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Paige: A 6 at the moment

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Paige: I am about to get married to my fiancé and I am supposed to be in the mood. Ask me how I feel about marrying him right now? We’ve been dating for two and a half years, and I’ve been uncomfortable with a tattoo on his right breast chest. It’s a big tattoo of two different hearts, with a rose flower in-between the space separating the hearts; his name written in one heart, and that of his ex-girlfriend written in the other. I used to not have any issue with it till I found out he still talks to her in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. A few weeks after asking me to marry him, I saw a conversation on his phone between them. He was telling her she was his first and real true love, and doubts he’d ever love anyone as much as he loved her. Dave, mind you, the lady I am talking about is married, and has been for a few years. From the WhatsApp conversation, she asked to see a picture of him, and he took a 45 seconds video of himself, shirtless, smiling all gleefully, and whispering ‘I still care about you’. He ended the video by focusing the camera on his tattoo.

DBM: Hmmm!

Paige: I’ve given him an ultimatum to get the tattoo covered or I opt out of the relationship.

DBM: What really is your concern, his tattoo or the fact that he’s still engaging his ex in chats?

Paige: All of it. And I do not think I trust him like I used to. Dave, he’s a very nice gentleman but I have suddenly lost that excitement I used to feel about him. I am no longer hopeful about our future together, and it’s concerning.

DBM: What makes him ‘a very nice gentleman’ in your opinion?

Paige: He’s good to me. He’s a sweet guy; one of the kindest men I have dated. He sees me. And, he’s not a bad person.

DBM: It’s good to be seen

Paige: Yes

DBM: And I like the fact that you respect him for the person you think he is – which in itself, is a great deal

Paige: He used to be the perfect man I had ever seen

DBM: May I ask your age please?

Paige: 39

DBM: And how old is he?

Paige: 41

DBM: Are you going to be at peace if the tattoo is covered?

Paige: A bit. Seeing the art on his chest whenever we are naked together in bed is upsetting

DBM: Do you feel desired and appreciated?

Paige: In my relationship?

DBM: Yes

Paige: I do

DBM: Does he feel desired and appreciated?

Paige: I believe so. He knows how much I want him. He knows how grateful I am for what he does for me. But why that question?

DBM: Most men cheat for the same reason a woman would

Paige: I don’t want much; I just need him to understand me

DBM: Men want to feel desired

Paige: I desire him. I think he’s just not content with what we have

DBM: Are you content with what you have with him?

Paige: I will be content if he learns how to listen to what’s important to me

DBM: You don’t feel heard?

Paige: I don’t

DBM: Do you respect him?

Paige: I do, Dave. I already told you, he’s a wonderful man

DBM: What else do you know about the other lady?

Paige: I read a bit of their conversation. She seems lonely in her marriage and believes my fiancé is someone she can freely talk to, because he listens to her

DBM: Do you feel your guy is lonely in his relationship with you?

Paige: I cannot know for sure

DBM: Because if he’s lonely, and she is also lonely, what is happening would be inevitable

Paige: What do you suggest I do?

DBM: Talk to your man

Paige: We have talked about my concerns

DBM: What about what concerns him?

Paige: Well, he’s not bothered to open up. From what I know, everything is fine between us

DBM: The married men who have confided in me about their numerous affairs all crooned the same tune, their women, somewhere along the line stopped being their wives and lovers, and became mothers. They were no longer putting them first.

Paige: I am not a mother yet. And, I’ve been putting him first.

DBM: Okay!

Paige: Men will stain your white. Look at the way you are trying so hard to defend your gender. Meanwhile, I am the one bringing my case to you. Dave, you’ve changed. You used to listen to the women

DBM: I am still the same, Paige. I’m only concerned about you

Paige: Concerned, how?

DBM: I can only speak from my perspective as a man. Usually, it’s not so much about what you do ‘for the man’ in the relationship. It’s more about what you do that he acknowledges, understands and appreciates. Cooking for him is great. Keeping the house tidy is also great. Washing his clothes is great, but are those services meeting his core needs, or just simply satisfying what makes you happy as his woman? A woman’s to-do list can cloud her judgement and ultimately, overwhelm her to consciously, or unconsciously take for granted what she has with her partner.

Paige: Is my voice supposed to heard in all this?

DBM: Your feelings are valid

Paige: Covering the tattoo will be his proof of love for me

DBM: Very well understood. However, our past is our unique experience: we cannot just erase it; we cannot change nor forget about it. What you’re trying to ask of him is impossible. That was his first true love; he cannot ignore the memory of her like that. You cannot ask him not to think about or repress his true feelings for her. I know it sounds unfair, but that tattoo means something to him. Will forcing him to cover it make him resist the urge in him for her? She’s on his mind at the moment and it’s affecting his today with you.

Paige: He has to let her go if I’m in his future. She being in the picture is impacting my relationship with him

DBM: I don’t believe another person can break anyone’s relationship. I think your relationship is already on a rocky footing. That is how come another woman can seem to be contributing to its shaky state.

Paige: It’s like you came in today wearing your male cap

DBM: Don’t give him an ultimatum because of a tattoo. That part of his history cannot be erased

Paige: I should keep staring at it then?

DBM: You can choose to see it, and interpret it in a completely different way. You are the creator of your happiness in a relationship.

Paige: Covering the tattoo is what will make me happy. He’s cheating on me, Dave

DBM: You deserve the very best. Ask yourself, if who he is now, represents your version of the ‘best’

Paige: Okay!

DBM: Participant 158, JJAS, left a question for you: ‘What can you do to help my wife heal from this confession?’

Paige: What you have done to your wife is not an easy thing to heal from. You have to be completely clear to her about why it happened, and be willing to do the work to support her healing process. I think men have to show up for their women a whole lot more

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Paige: I don’t have a question for anyone

DBM: Okay! Thank you!

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