Blog – Page 26

Let’s Talk To Ian

Written by David B on February 9, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 54: Ian

DBM: Hi Ian. How would you describe yourself?

Ian: I am positive-minded, very open and I make the effort to live my life as best as I can. I am a sweet guy, fit, free-spirited and very adventurous. I am a father of three, a husband, and funny. I make my friends laugh a lot.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ian: I had an affair and confessed to my wife. She didn’t get angry after hearing me out. The dawn of the day I confessed, she woke me up to confess to her own affair. Mine had gone on for eight months and I have ended things between me and the other woman. My wife has been seeing her guy for two years, and it’s still ongoing. I don’t understand why she could do this to me.

DBM: How long have been married?

Ian: We are 12 years, Dave.

DBM: And, throughout the 12 years, was the eight months encounter your first affair?

Ian: No!

DBM: When did you start being with other women since you met your wife?

Ian: I have been with a few

DBM: How many is a few?

Ian: Maybe, five or six women.

DBM: Did your wife know about these other ladies?

Ian: No!

DBM: That is, to the best of your knowledge, no?

Ian: Yes! But I don’t think she knew; she would have confronted me.

DBM: Okay! Why were you cheating on your wife?

Ian: The other women provided a part of my needs that weren’t being met in my marriage.

DBM: What kinds of needs?

Ian: Dave, I was simply doing what felt good at that moment.

DBM: What felt good?

Ian: I know my week is perfect if I have had sex a few times in a row. Also, monogamy doesn’t make sense to me; it’s making my marriage a bit stale and routine. Being with other women provided me with something new to explore every day. It kept my thinking fresh, and it was exciting… And, challenging too.

DBM: Why didn’t you tell your wife right from the onset that – the marriage was becoming boring?

Ian: I did, and we tried doing things differently to spice it up.

DBM: What changed?

Ian: Not much. That’s why I started looking for connections outside of my marriage, rather than trying again to fix what could be missing or broken. It got to a point where, we sometimes didn’t have anything exciting to talk about at home.

DBM: Why did you confess to the affair?

Ian: The relationship with the other woman wasn’t working anymore, and I was feeling guilty.

DBM: Why were you feeling guilty?

Ian: I don’t know. Maybe because she threatened to tell my wife about us, when she couldn’t have her way with me.

DBM: Relieving your guilt just by telling your wife makes you selfish, you know?

Ian: Yeah, but I had no choice.

DBM: How do you feel about your wife’s affair?

Ian: I completely lost it. I am still hurt and angry, and I feel betrayed. It’s pretty hypocritical, but she has shattered my ability to trust her.

DBM: Do you know how she also feels about you?

Ian: I don’t really care.

DBM: Why don’t you care?

Ian: She’s destroyed our marriage.

DBM: How so?

Ian: Because she’s still in a relationship with the guy. She says she’s in love with him

DBM: What else did she say?

Ian: She wants to keep both the marriage and the affair

DBM: Do you know anything about the other guy?

Ian: He is married. That’s all I know

DBM: I see. What are you going to do now?

Ian: I have this friend that I enjoy being around. There is a strong sexual tension between us and I want to consider exploring it. I’ve been hesitant about her because she’s married.

DBM: Have you been honest with your wife about how her other relationship makes you feel?

Ian: It doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, we are all doing what we like

DBM: Is this what you want for your marriage?

Ian: No

DBM: Being married doesn’t mean you’d be immune to falling in love with other people. Your wife wants to keep both worlds. Question is, are you staying or are you going?

Ian: I don’t know what I want right now

DBM: What do you think you want?

Ian: I know it’s time to pay more attention to myself

DBM: Or your wife?

Ian: She doesn’t need me.

DBM: Do you need her?

Ian: I don’t!

DBM: Is this the ego and anger in you responding, because you feel your wife is checking out on your marriage?

Ian: Again, I don’t care

DBM: You don’t think the decisions you both have been making is wrong, and it’s what is destroying you and the marriage?

Ian: It is what it is! I don’t care about the consequences anymore. I will do me; she will do her.

DBM: What is your love language?

Ian: I express my love in a more physical way, because I most often do not have the perfect feeling words for a woman.

DBM: By ‘woman’, you mean your wife?

Ian: Whatever! So, sex is my best route to connection and intimacy.

DBM: Are you emotionally available to your wife?

Ian: Why that question?

DBM: Because all the married women I know who cheated, or are cheating on their husbands, are/were trying to fill an emotional void. They are/were with those other men because they made them feel desired and valued.

Ian: It is what it is! I am counting down to 3 o’clock to meet up with the lady I was talking about.

DBM: I can understand what you’re suffering, but you need to know that you have caused suffering too.

Ian: You think I don’t know that?

DBM: Why are you not avoiding the temptation to cheat again?

Ian: Is she doing that?

DBM: If only you could stop second-guessing her actions, and rather examine your own

Ian: She’s the one breaking our family. I made a mistake. I ended things. She’s making a mistake and holding on to it.

DBM: We are not talking about your wife. I am chatting with you. Why is it that most of us men, instead of creating space to process exactly what has happened to us, and why it happened in the first place, we rather would move to the next available trick?

Ian: What do you want me to do?

DBM: What do you need from your marriage, and from yourself?

Ian: I don’t want my wife to let me down. I don’t want to let her down either.

DBM: What do you think is currently lacking in your marriage?

Ian: At the moment, my wife is not giving me the chance to share my heart with her, and win her over. She’s decided for me by hanging on to the married man.

DBM: You’re married to a human being. She will let you down, just as you have. Don’t tell me you’re waiting on her to change first?

Ian: I am changing my ways. She has to change hers

DBM: Stop blaming your wife for your own part of the bad decisions and behavior.

Ian: It takes two to break a marriage

DBM: So, own your role in your infidelity, and stick to that.

Ian: Smh!

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Ian: I love my wife

DBM: Tell her how you feel about everything happening and make time for trust to be rebuilt. That could be the fresh start you need.

Ian: What if it doesn’t get back to how it used to be?

DBM: You will take a step back and come to the conclusion that, after genuinely trying for so long, maybe this one thing you so much wanted to work out, isn’t meant to be.

Image Credit: Oladimeji Ajegbile

Let’s Talk To Pearl

Written by David B on February 7, 2023. Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 53: Hello Dave. My name is Pearl

DBM: Hello Pearl. How would you describe yourself?

Pearl: ………………………………………………………………………………………………

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Pearl: I have had four abortions in my lifetime. All these happened before I met my husband. He does not know about my past, and I’d want it to stay that way. I come from a Christian household, and though I am not blaming anyone for my actions, I feel like if my parents had talked to us about sex from an early age, some bad choices I made in life could have been prevented.

DBM: What did your parents talk to you guys about in relation to sex?

Pearl: Abstinence, and why God admonishes us to live in purity. That was all they stressed on

DBM: I grew up in a home like that too

Pearl: You did?

DBM: I did! At what age did you start having sex?

Pearl: When I was 15 years. My science teacher pressured me into liking him.

DBM: Whereby ‘pressured’ means?

Pearl: It wasn’t rape. I wasn’t doing so well in his subject and he realized it bothered me. He wrote me a letter explaining how he could transfer his smart science gene to me through other means.

DBM: Tell me ‘Other means’ meant extra classes?

Pearl: He was the first man I had sex with. And for some strange reason, my grades started to change for the better in science. He told me to just study and write whatever I felt were the right answers to any of his assignments, quizzes, tests and examination questions.

DBM: Are you good in science today?

Pearl: No! Of course, I am wiser now, and so I know he was either dashing me marks or answering the questions for me at home after every quiz.

DBM: Did he use protection with you?

Pearl: Yes, for the most part.

DBM: How many times did sex happen between you two?

Pearl: About 15 times.

DBM: How old was he?

Pearl: Early 30’s.

DBM: At what age was your first abortion?

Pearl: 17

DBM: Second?

Pearl: 19

DBM: Third?

Pearl: 23

DBM: And the last one?

Pearl: 25

DBM: Who got you pregnant at 17?

Pearl: My science teacher. He helped me get an abortion

DBM: Who got you pregnant at 19?

Pearl: My second boyfriend. My third boyfriend got me pregnant at 23, and the fourth guy at 25.

DBM: How many guys have you been with?

Pearl: They will not be up to 20

DBM: Do you regret aborting those pregnancies?

Pearl: I have no regrets. My parents did not educate me on sex, men, relationships and the responsibilities involved. There was no way I could have been prepared for a pregnancy or motherhood.

DBM: I see.

Pearl: My only biggest fear is the thought of being barren due to my past activities.

DBM: I doubt whether or not having abortions can affect your chances of becoming pregnant. You can experience normal pregnancy.

Pearl: Really?

DBM: Really! I know a dozen female friends who have aborted several pregnancies, but are mothers today.

Pearl: Hmmm! Dave, I need to give my husband a child. He wants a child so badly; I sometimes feel like I am denying him his dreamed family life.

DBM: What are your doctors saying?

Pearl: That, we’re both fine and can have babies at any time.

DBM: He knows about the abortions?

Pearl: My doctor?

DBM: Yes

Pearl: He was the one who detected that a womb infection I developed years ago hadn’t been properly treated. He realized I had had abortions before even telling him.

DBM: Is it treated now?

Pearl: Yes!

DBM: Good.

Pearl: Why do I feel like I am being punished for this?

DBM: Punished by whom?

Pearl: God.

DBM: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us.” I don’t know where it is in the Bible, but it’s in the Bible for sure.

Pearl: Do you believe it?

DBM: I do. GOD’S mercy is beyond comprehension. And, His mercy endures forever.

Pearl: Hmmm! I don’t know about that.

DBM: Don’t miss out on GOD’S gift of forgiveness. It’s the realest promise I know. You’re not the only one doing, or might have done things that aren’t pleasing to GOD. We all sin

Pearl: Four abortions is a lot of sin. Keeping it from my husband is another lie I live with

DBM: You’re a Christian, no?

Pearl: I am

DBM: Jesus took on all four of your abortions and the secret you still keep from your husband today on Himself, and paid for it on the cross by dying for you. The moment you choose to accept this truth, His forgiveness automatically becomes yours to take. His forgiveness is limitless, so start looking at your situation from the point of view of GOD.

Pearl: If you say so

DBM: Pearl, all of your sins have been forgiven. It does not matter whether or not you’re yet to commit it. Engage with GOD in your own way, and ask Him for grace and mercy. He is more than able to change the gray areas of your life for the very best.

Pearl: But what if I never get pregnant? Because it’s putting strains on my marriage. My husband wants a family

DBM: The life you are building with your husband, and the marriage you have, is a family. There is more to your marriage. Children are just an aspect of it. Make good use of the man in your life, the love you have for him, the excitement in marriage; the challenges, the dreams you both share, and just be looking forward to what the future holds – even if children aren’t a part of it.

Pearl: You are not a woman, and so I don’t expect you to understand.

DBM: I had a schoolmate, Cynthia. A very decent young woman, super intelligent. She got married to a very nice guy many years ago. She died two years after her wedding. Complications through childbirth. And, this was her first pregnancy.

Pearl: What happened to her child?

DBM: He died in the process. Pearl, the most rewarding part of marriage isn’t children. At least, that’s how I think. It takes a lot of work to have a happy marriage. Why is that not rather your priority?

Pearl: What would you have done if you were in my husband’s shoes?

DBM: I’d focus on my emotional connection and intimacy with you. I would find ways to keep alive the passion and desire for one another. Your inability to have a child shouldn’t be the reason why you’re not able to enjoy your husband. Your past, present, fears, pain, regrets, joy and whatnot, are all indicators that you’re indeed, living a human experience. Your husband ought to be able to embrace all of this, and still be glad he chose you for a wife.

Pearl: Would you have wanted me to tell you about my abortions, if you were my husband?

DBM: If I had chosen you as the partner to spend the rest of my life with, children would not have been my reason to change on you. And yes, I would have wanted to be in the known concerning your abortions. I will be shocked, and probably mad; I would definitely attribute our inability to have kids to your abortions, but I know myself so well; I will never judge you nor your past decisions. Because I wasn’t there to have had the opportunity to protect your innocence. I wasn’t there to have showed you what true love really meant. I would not have been reckless with you – if I were in your past experiences.

Pearl: Would you have forgiven me?

DBM: I would have, so far as you would be communicating truth with love and grace.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Chris

Written by David B on February 5, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 52: Chris

DBM: Hi Chris. How would you describe yourself?

Chris: I am a father and husband

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Chris: I was looking through one of my son’s exercise books. He was asked to write about both of his parents, and he wrote just an essay on his mother. He only introduced my name at the ending paragraph, as his father.

DBM: I see

Chris: “My father’s name is …” and that was all that was said about me.

DBM: How old is your boy?

Chris: Eight years

DBM: What did he score in that assignment?

Chris: 8/10

DBM: Okay!

Christ: I asked him why he didn’t talk about me, and he said he didn’t know what to write about me.

DBM: What were you expecting to be written about you?

Chris: His love for me too. He made it seem as if his mother is the only person taking good care of him.

DBM: When you return home from work, what’s your routine like?

Chris: I eat, bath, sit with the kids, watch TV, etc.

DBM: When you ‘sit with the kids’, what do you do with them?

Chris: They watch TV with me and bother me

DBM: Do you talk to/with them?

Chris: Of course, yes!

DBM: What do you talk about?

Chris: Lol! Anything they want to talk about

DBM: Give me an example

Chris: Of what?

DBM: Of what you talk about with the children

Chris: I don’t know. Maybe their day at school, and other complaints, etc.

DBM: Okay! Do you help with the household daily routines?

Chris: Yes!

DBM: What do you do at home?

Chris: I provide for the house.

DBM: What else?

Chris: If something is broken, I get it fixed

DBM: Get it fixed how?

Chris: I find a professional to come and work on it

DBM: What else?

Chris: Dave, I get home late most of the time due to work. And there is usually not much to do

DBM: How about weekends?

Chris: I spend time with family and friends.

DBM: How much time with family?

Chris: I know what you are trying to do

DBM: Let me go straight to the point then: do you help around the house?

Chris: I do, but you have to also understand that, there are certain jobs in marriage that are for men, and others for the woman.

DBM: Which ones are for the man?

Chris: The provider and protector part

DBM: These you like; the ones you don’t like are for your wife, no?

Chris: Lol!

DBM: You help minimally when it comes to domestic responsibilities and household chores, no?

Chris: What has this got to do with my son’s essay?

DBM: Most of the married women I am friends with spend much more of their time cleaning, cooking and taking care of their children, compared with their husbands. And these are career women too.

Chris: How do you know their husbands aren’t supporting them?

DBM: Let’s get back to your weekends; what’s your regular Saturday like?

Chris: I play football or tennis in the mornings with my friends, and then take the family/children out.

DBM: Does your wife have a personal life?

Chris: She does

DBM: When was the last time she went to hang out with friends, or went shopping or partying just to have fun?

Chris: What has this got to do with my son’s essay?

DBM: I have not seen or read your son’s essay, however, from all that you’ve said, I can assume your wife doesn’t have a life outside of her family. You, on the other hand gets to play football and tennis.

Chris: She attended a wedding two weeks ago

DBM: It’s not the same. You have the luxury to party and have fun with friends outside home. Your son is paying attention to the world around him at home, every waking moment. His classroom is not only in school; he sees all that his mother does and would write only about her because she’s present to him, which in itself, is an opportunity for learning.

Image Credit: Katerina Holmes

Let’s Talk To Antobam

Written by David B on February 2, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 51: The name is Antobam

DBM: Hello Antobam. How would you describe yourself?

Antobam: A mother of four, capable of supporting myself and my family. Been divorced since May, 2022, and at my age, I don’t think I need to be relying on any man or even society for validation.

DBM: May I know your age, please?

Antobam: 46

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Antobam: My divorce

DBM: How long were you married?

Antobam: 19 years

DBM: Wow! That’s a lot of years

Antobam: The first five years were good, but from the sixth to the nineteenth year, I wanted to end the marriage – even though I didn’t believe in divorce. My ex-husband doesn’t believe in divorce

DBM: Interesting

Antobam: Yes! We’re actually very happily divorced, if there is anything like that

DBM: Explain

Antobam: Love couldn’t conquer it all in our situation, because we both had other needs that weren’t being met. My ex-husband loved me like no other; I loved him dearly, however, our priorities had different angles and twists to it; we viewed and understood love differently

DBM: How so?

Antobam: I wouldn’t know how to explain it: I wanted more. I see myself as a leader, and since my early years, I have taken charge of situations. My strength is quiet and reserved but it shines through at the end of the day. I make and take calculated risks, so once I am convinced about something, I am not scared to pursue it.

DBM: Was marriage not something you were enthused about?

Antobam: I dreamed of being in love, being loved, wedded and married. I dreamed of having children and raising them together with my husband. All these, I accomplished. I however forgot to dream about finding happiness with all these combined

DBM: You weren’t happily married?

Antobam: I was. I mean I was married to a great guy. But only for the first five years. My marriage reached its expiration date on the sixth year, and I knew I had to pack it all in but I couldn’t.

DBM: Why not?

Antobam: I was pregnant with our third child. Then I had the fourth. We wanted to raise the children in a family unit

DBM: Did your husband know you wanted out?

Antobam: I told him two weeks before finding out about our third pregnancy.

DBM: How did he feel?

Antobam: He said he felt he was also trying so hard to make our marriage work, which shouldn’t have been the case. A healthy marriage shouldn’t feel like ‘work’, though it’s work. We weren’t passionate about one another or the marriage; I wasn’t infatuated about my ex-husband; he did not excite me or my thoughts… I could not feel myself changing for the better

DBM: Well, that can be understood because it’s no longer ‘new’. You had both become familiar with each other, no? I wouldn’t expect a ‘sparkly’ feeling at this stage

Antobam: It wasn’t just about feelings. I lost myself and couldn’t see my life from a distance. I could not pinpoint exactly what our marriage was working toward. I have a very busy schedule at work, and trust me, my job doesn’t paralyze me.

DBM: Is that how you felt about your marriage?

Antobam: Yes! Dave, when you are excited about your marriage, and something about it isn’t living up to the standards you both set, you feel disappointed and frustrated. If the parties involved want the relationship so bad, you will be committed to doing something to be better than you used to be – in order to bring it up there to your smoothness level.

DBM: I concur

Antobam: I didn’t want to go through all that struggle.

DBM: How about your husband?

Antobam: It was too much work and a pain in his ass to push in so much effort. It got to a point, I found no interest in talking to anyone about my marriage. He is the type that is concerned about the opinions of others, and so he did his best putting up a front of the ‘happily’ married man.

DBM: In your opinion, a good marriage looks like what?

Antobam: It should look and feel like this task or job you’ve decided to do. Deep down you know it isn’t the easiest project to take on, yet it doesn’t feel so challenging to the extent that – you’re unable to do it right. Marriage is good when you feel your partner doesn’t overwhelm you with so much. He or she is just right for you, even after the bullshit.

DBM: Whereby ‘bullshit’ means?

Antobam: Anything they’re doing, or the relationship is presenting to you – which you can’t tolerate. When the marriage is good, you see the good in your partner, especially on the days they’re not of their best behavior. Nothing they do blows you away negatively.

DBM: I am learning something today

Antobam: I would not have divorced my husband, if I admired him for who he is. It’s unfortunate, but I couldn’t find myself admiring him from a place of happiness. You’re happy from a place of admiration if the piece of work smells and looks like something you’re proud of, because you contributed to its success.

DBM: I so get your point.

Antobam: Great!

DBM: Do you feel like you’ve failed at marriage?

Antobam: This was an experience for me, Dave, and I learned a thing or two from it. I can confidently say that, I can choose to open myself up to the likelihood of love again. But most importantly, I have the strength to guard my heart by walking away from unhappiness.

DBM: How does he feel about everything?

Antobam: He respects my decision to not stay married. He’s forgiven me, I have forgiven him and forgiven myself for letting our children down. He’s happy. He’s dating a very nice woman, and he smiles a lot lately

DBM: How do you feel about everything?

Antobam: Divorce isn’t always a bad idea. I can say mine has offered me a fresh start and opened a beautiful door, which is also leading me to a much better future

DBM: How is your relationship with him like?

Antobam: Awesome. As I said earlier, my ex-husband is a good man, and we both played a role in the end of our marriage. We know that it takes two to either break or make a marriage work. We want to maintain our friendship and be the best parents for our children, because we’re going to be in each other’s lives for the longest time, co-parenting.

DBM: And the children?

Antobam: They understand what’s going on, and we have explained why we can’t be married to them. We have also made them understand that, they are our key lens, and the most important basis and platform from which we would make every decision. It’s always going to be about what is best for them.

DBM: I think I like you

Antobam: Lol! I like you too, David. As it stands now, you’re the only person to get me to open up this easily. You’re doing a great job with your Facebook. Also, thank you for the exceptional live performance you shared on Facebook this Tuesday. I couldn’t stop myself from watching you sing that song. It was so powerful.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Uriel Mont

Let’s Talk To Ladybird

Written by David B on February 1, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 50: Ladybird

DBM: Hi Ladybird. How would you describe yourself?

Ladybird: I have my shit together. I am a strong woman

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ladybird: My father’s straightforward dishonesty has had a mammoth effect on my opinions of men. I am supposed to be getting married in March, and I can’t find it in me to believe my fiancé is any different from my father.

DBM: What did your father do to you?

Ladybird: It’s not about what he did to me, but what he put my mother through. My father is the kindest man I’ve ever seen, but he’s not been faithful to my mother – for as long as I can remember. He takes risks for other women, but never for my mother.

DBM: Is your mother his wife?

Ladybird: Yes! They’ve been married for 37 years

DBM: What has your father’s character got to do with your man?

Ladybird: They’re good friends. In fact, my dad calls him ‘son’. Dave, ‘show me your friend…’

DBM: ‘And I will show you your future’

Ladybird: Thank you! My dad has so much influence on my guy, and my fiancé also knows about the deeds on my father. He doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with his behavior. One of his colleagues at work told me just recently, that my guy used to introduce single ladies to my dad.

DBM: How long has he known your dad?

Ladybird: Longer than I have known him. He used to work for dad. I love my father, don’t get me wrong, but I do not trust him.

DBM: I understand what you mean

Ladybird: I feel like I am about to make the biggest mistake of my life

DBM: You’re talking about marriage?

Ladybird: Yes! Since I found out my man used to introduce girls to my dad, I can’t help but to look at the both of them with disgust.

DBM: Have you asked him about the gossip fed to you?

Ladybird: I have. He laughed and said, ‘don’t mind them’

DBM: Lady, people around us judge us from their perceptions and opinions of what or who they think we are. If we are to simply jump on, or believe every observation made about us by people who do not have a clue about our upbringing, and allow what they say to impact our experiences with the people we care about, then it’s going to be hard for you to love on anyone based on your own truth about them.

Ladybird: I get that part

DBM: You need to know and experience people for yourself, without somebody else throwing reasons in your face

Ladybird: My father is a liar, and a cheat. Nobody’s opinion informed me on this. He’s repeatedly broken the trust that he’s entitled to in his marriage to my mother.

DBM: Noted! How about your boyfriend, has he given you any reason to doubt him?

Ladybird: Not really, but I suspect he is no different from my father

DBM: How so?

Ladybird: He is often on his phone, and some calls and texts are taken outside. He ignores certain phone calls when he is seated next to me. And, just like my father, he is of the opinion that a man has the right to do whatever he wants. He can be very self-centered.

DBM: How long have you guys been dating?

Ladybird: Four years.

DBM: I see

Ladybird: He is the ‘Mr. I know it all’, just like my father. He also drinks a lot. I hate to be making all these comparisons at this crucial time of my engagement, but he’s also a charmer. He will charm the panties off any woman.

DBM: Then, he may be doing just that.

Ladybird: Exactly what I have been thinking all this while. Dave, I am not assuming on him, but I strongly feel he is able to lie to me just as easily as my father does with my mom. Whenever he comes home, he has very little to discuss about his life outside. He would rather talk about other unimportant issues than to speak about his real activities in the day. Because he doesn’t want to be caught up in his web of lies, should he speak more

DBM: He is not your father’s image; I hope you know that?

Ladybird: I know

DBM: Good! What about him made you accept his proposal?

Ladybird: I was first attracted to his style of dressing, impeccable. I also liked that he put his family first at all times. I liked the way he spoke, and he’s a smart-ass.

DBM: Okay! Do you love him?

Ladybird: I do, and I am scared

DBM: Why are you scared?

Ladybird: I feel like he’s going to let me down already.

DBM: We are all capable of letting people down. People fail us, just as we sometimes also disappoint others. No one is perfect. The question you need to be asking yourself is, is your guy the type that would rather choose not to display these negative attributes in order not to betray your trust in him?

Ladybird: I don’t trust him 100%

DBM: Are you going ahead with your wedding in March?

Ladybird: Would you, if you were in my shoes?

DBM: If I am in love with you, then I should be able to count on you to be reliable; I should be able to count on you to have my back; to do what is right and do right by me. Those are the only conditions that would inspire me to want to take the next step in a relationship.

Ladybird: I doubt my guy, and I am not sure about his fidelity and dependability.

DBM: Fair enough. However, do not forget that he is not solely responsible for creating the distrustful feelings you’re entertaining. You’re equally to take responsibility due to the effect your father’s way of life has had on you.

Image Credit: Polina Kovaleva

Let’s Talk To Automatic

Written by David B on January 31, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 49: Automatic is my name

DBM: Hello Automatic. How would you describe yourself?

Automatic: I love who I am, and I have a solid source of motivation that drives me to do my best. I am hardworking, passion-driven and as real as you’d want me to be. I am in my 40’s, married and a father.

DBM: What would you want to talk about?

Automatic: I’ve gone through different stages of losses, and would want to touch on a few. I put in the ground, two of my children; I’ve lost a job and opportunities; I lost my wife’s trust in me; I almost lost my mind.

DBM: Wow! That’s a tall list of losses. How did it feel like when you lost your job?

Automatic: I saw it coming, and I knew my employer was going to let me go. But it didn’t take me long to come to terms with the fact that, I was no longer employed – and that losing my job didn’t mean my career was also over.

DBM: How do you mean?

Automatic: I know that companies look for people who are motivated, open-minded and resilient. I had to psyche myself to be in that mood, so I could reconnect with my passion and interests.

DBM: Are you working now?

Automatic: Yes, and it’s the job of my dreams

DBM: How long did it take for you to land your dream job?

Automatic: It took almost four years. I had to stay positive throughout the period, and it helped me to get myself back on my feet.

DBM: You talked about the deaths of your children…

Automatic: Dave, nothing can be more overwhelming.

DBM: I can only imagine. How old were they?

Automatic: Eight and six

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Automatic: They used to be three. Now, I have just one.

DBM: How old is this one?

Automatic: Four years

DBM: Boy or girl?

Automatic: Daddy’s little girl.

DBM: What happened with the first two?

Automatic: Someone claiming to be my wife’s friend gave them apples after school. They brought it home, ate it and that was the last time we heard of them.

DBM: What happened to your wife’s friend?

Automatic: We never got to know which of her friends did that.

DBM: I don’t understand

Automatic: Whenever their driver picks them up from school, he calls either of us parents to speak with them. He called me when he brought them home. They told me they had been given apples. My mistake was not asking them the name of person. My wife got home first after work, and they were both dead.

DBM: Where was the third child?

Automatic: With my wife

DBM: Who attends to the children when they return home from school, if you both are working?

Automatic: My wife’s mother lives with us. But she had traveled to Kumasi that week.

DBM: Tell me about the experience

Automatic: It’s profound; one of the very difficult situations to find yourself in. And the challenge it threw to us was painful, gut-wrenching.

DBM: How did you move on?

Automatic: You don’t move on, because you’re reminded everyday by their absence, that they were supposed to be outliving you instead.

DBM: When did this happen?

Automatic: 2019

DBM: How is your wife coping with everything?

Automatic: She’s still mad at God, her mother; she’s mad at me, herself and whoever, in her opinion could have prevented this from happening to our children. She’s mad at the driver, the teachers at the school. It’s not been easy on her.

DBM: You also made mention of your wife not trusting you

Automatic: She still doesn’t trust me

DBM: What did you do?

Automatic: I was involved with another woman

DBM: When?

Automatic: Last year

DBM: Are you still involved with this other woman?

Automatic: I ended things with the hope of getting my relationship back on track with my wife; but then I realized, she may never trust me again.

DBM: So?

Automatic: I am seeing another woman.

DBM: Why are you with another woman?

Automatic: I am not happy in my own home. And, I think the love just isn’t there anymore

DBM: On your part or hers?

Automatic: Both, I think. I’ve been quiet because I was hoping things would improve, because we used to have a fulfilling marriage.

DBM: Before or after the death of your children?

Automatic: Before.

DBM: Do you want to stay married to your wife?

Automatic: Yes! She’s everything to me.

DBM: Is she that much into you and the marriage?

Automatic: I think the tragedy hasn’t made things easier on my wife. She had so many dreams and hopes for the children. She had a plan for their future, and those kids in particular had a bright future. We knew it, and discussed how best we could help fulfill them. My wife is empty, and I don’t think anything I do or say can fill the void. She’s still numb to the reality of what has happened to us, and I don’t think time can heal this.

DBM: You talked about almost losing your mind

Automatic: It’s in relation to this: my wife wouldn’t allow me to touch her. I think about sex, at least, once a day. Sex is my connection to my wife. It is through sex that I am able to express my vulnerable side. Intimacy is my love language; so imagine being denied it for more than two years? I understand we were grieving but man needs to get laid in the process. She blames me for not asking the children who gave them the apples. She thinks I am responsible for what happened because I didn’t put into consideration their safety first, when they told me what had been given them.

DBM: Do you blame yourself?

Automatic: I feel guilty to some extent.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Savior

Written by David B on January 29, 2023. Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 48: Let me choose Savior

DBM: Hi Savior. How would you describe yourself?

Savior: I don’t know how to say no, and mean it when my infatuation level is raised to the power ⁶. I find myself always stringing a number of women by my side.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Savior: I am doing things that I regret, and I don’t know if that makes me a bad husband

DBM: Your wife knows about these things you are regretting?

Savior: No!

DBM: What have you been up to?

Savior: I get bored easily with one woman, and it’s been so with every serious relationship I’ve tried to be in. My wife came across as the woman who could probably change me for the best, but as it stands now, marriage feels like a prison. I’ve been with other women, and I am beginning to feel sorry for my wife – because she doesn’t deserve what I am doing to her.

DBM: Do you still believe your wife inspires you to be your best self?

Savior: I know she does but …

DBM: What kind of feelings and experiences have you created with your wife?

Savior: Dave, I do sweet things with my wife. We have a good relationship, and I have found incredible joy being with her because I feel listened to. We talk about our wants freely, and I make her orgasm and pleasure my priority in bed. She does same for me. I am supposed to be content, because I feel happy, loved and valued, and I know she feels the same way too because I do everything according to how she likes it.

DBM: Does she do everything according to how you like it?

Savior: Yeah!

DBM: So, what’s the problem?

Savior: I’ve slept with one of the teachers at my children’s school; I’ve slept with one of my wife’s close friends; two of our church members etc.

DBM: The list goes on?

Savior: Yeah! And I lie to my wife a lot to cover things up because I care about her feelings

DBM: I’m trying to understand why a man claiming to be happy at home, and with his wife – because she puts his needs and interests first, still looks elsewhere for something he already has?

Savior: What do I do?

DBM: Tell me about your upbringing; what was your experience like with your parents and siblings?

Savior: It was normal, nothing spectacular. Though my parents separated along the way because my father had to marry my best friend’s mother.

DBM: How did that make you feel?

Savior: It was weird at first, because they were already doing things with each other.

DBM: As in, before your father left your mother?

Savior: Yeah. She was also married

DBM: To your friend’s father?

Savior: Yeah! They had a simple church wedding and they moved on with their lives.

DBM: How did you feel when you watched them vow to be faithful to one other?

Savior: I didn’t think it was going to last. They’re no longer married.

DBM: Where is your dad?

Savior: Dead

DBM: I’m sorry about that

Savior: It’s okay!

DBM: How is your step-mother doing?

Savior: She left my dad a long time ago. We’re not related in that way any more

DBM: Why did she leave your father?

Savior: I have five different siblings, and he had them with five different women.

DBM: Nobody is perfect

Savior: I know

DBM: And mistakes are part of life

Savior: Yeah! I think I feel bad because my wife thinks I am nothing like my father

DBM: She knows about his life?

Savior: Yeah, I told her, and I am afraid it would not be an easy thing to forget if she finds out I am also a cheater.

DBM: Your wife would have to live with such stress

Savior: And I don’t want to stress her.

DBM: You’ve been in numerous relationships in the past that didn’t work out, no?

Savior: Yeah!

DBM: Why didn’t it work out?

Savior: They weren’t the right women for me

DBM: Even with those who desperately wanted it to work out with you?

Savior: Yeah!

DBM: Why did you marry your wife?

Savior: She was the one for me

DBM: Is she still the one?

Savior: Yeah!

DBM: You love your wife?

Savior: I love my wife. That’s why I don’t want to fail her. I don’t want her to be disappointed in me. I don’t want her to reject my love because of what I am doing. I don’t want to lose my wife.

DBM: But everything you don’t want to happen to you so far, has absolutely nothing to do with love.

Savior: What has it got to do with?

DBM: All I am sensing is fear; you’re also blinded by your ego, I think.

Savior: I don’t have an ego problem

DBM: I see. Do you trust yourself to do right by your wife?

Savior: I know I can try my best

DBM: And, would your best be good enough to sustain the relationship whims and caprices that you so much want to come true?

Savior: I don’t understand what you mean

DBM: Your wife is not the best match for you

Savior: She is, Dave, you’re wrong about this one

DBM: How do you feel about yourself when you’re with your wife?

Savior: I already told you

DBM: Let me tell you what I think you have thus far, made me understand; your marriage, though good, suffocates you

Savior: I didn’t say that

DBM: You feel like you’re always walking on egg shells after returning from one of your hook-ups.

Savior: Those are your words, not mine. Lol!

DBM: So, you mean to say you do not feel like you are hurting your wife with all the affairs, secrets and lies you’re unable to come clean with, because it’s something you’re not proud of?

Savior: Well…

DBM: You need to help you in order to save your own self, Savior. Fortunately, this decision is largely in your control. But assuming you are unable to not be like your father… then own it. You at least owe your wife this truth.

Image Credit: Muhammadtaha Ibrahim

Let’s Talk To Nat

Written by David B on January 27, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 47: I would like to go by Nat

DBM: Hello Nat. How would you describe yourself?

Nat: I am a 37-year-old father with three great kids; I am also a husband. A very generous person, passionate and with the desire to succeed in life through fair means. I am a risk taker and I possess the willingness to do everything for the success of my family.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nat: Hey, can we make it another time please? I have not been feeling well

DBM: Alright! But what’s wrong with you?

Nat: I wanted us to do it but my mind is not fully focused at the moment

DBM: I understand

Nat: I feel I have made a mistake marrying my wife, even though I knew her and have been with her for a while. I had a baby with her before traveling to the States. I didn’t really look at the other side of her being a helper

DBM: Meaning?

Nat: Meaning she isn’t putting in an effort. You know how as a man, you really want to take risks in order to be successful; but when the other partner isn’t buying into those ideas, it becomes frustrating and kind of, drags you backwards.

DBM: I can imagine, hmmm! What kinds of risks do you want to take?

Nat: A lot Dave. I really want to start being my own boss, exploring other adventures; but nothing of that sort is happening. You know life is very short, and I would like to fulfill something in order to achieve much of what I want. I wouldn’t like to say I made a mistake marrying her, but most of the times, that is how I feel.

DBM: Hmmm!

Nat: I have tried talking to her but she has lost a lot of spark that – I can’t really figure out what is really going on

DBM: Do you think she’s also not happy with you, or the marriage?

Nat: I definitely feel so, but you and I know how our communities’ frown on divorce. She isn’t happy, yet she’s scared to let it go. Primarily, it might be based on the kids

DBM: I see

Nat: For sure she’s not happy, but she’s pretending to be, and that is killing me gradually

DBM: What does she do for a living?

Nat: Very good question. Her educational background isn’t great but when I met her, I tried so hard making sure she furthers her education. All attempts failed. She is a beautician now. No disrespect to her career, but I feel she can do more.

DBM: She’s with you in the States?

Nat: Yes. I brought her and my older daughter about three years ago

DBM: Okay!

Nat: I have tried to upgrade her by encouraging her to enroll in classes and stuff, to elevate her to a level where it would be good for the both of us, but all attempts have failed. It’s kind of complicated at the moment. She literally can’t stand or survive on her own, nor take care of herself. She cannot even take good care of the kids; therefore, I feel overburdened. I have to do almost everything in the family.

DBM: What are her interests?

Nat: I wish I can pinpoint what really interests her Dave

DBM: Do you know what she would like or want to do with her life?

Nat: Great question! I have asked her on countless occasions or during our discussions, but she seems not to know what she really wants to do with her life. I had to take risks to get to where I am at the moment. I am successful when it comes to my career. I have been accomplishing things because I want to give my wife and my children a good life. I wish she were on the same level with me. I would have been a happy man

DBM: What made you want to pursue her in marriage?

Nat: She’s was faithful to me even though I didn’t have anything when we met. I was just a student at the time. She wasn’t those types of ladies that would jump from one man to the other, cheating and engaging themselves in those dangerous attitudes. But now, I have realized I want more. I want my wife to be a goal getter, a woman who is not scared to take risks; a lady with a purpose in life. A woman who can support me in ways that can make me feel more relaxed, even when I am not around. Someone who can make decisions that are sound to help our kids and herself, you know?

DBM: No two people are the same. This is what you chose for a wife. How best do you think you can make do with who she is – assuming, she’s never going to change for you?

Nat: Hmmm! That’s a difficult question. I have been trying to psych her up. For instance, she took driving lessons in Ghana, before coming her. She has taken two driving lessons in addition to what she had back home. I knew there wasn’t any improvement, but she forced me to buy her a car. Eventually, I did buy her a brand new 2022 car. Guess what? She can’t drive the car. It is still parked in the garage, and I have been the one driving her around. To and from work. I wish to help her to be independent but I feel her mindset is kind of weak. It’s been a struggle to change or groom her to be who I really want her to be. Anytime she moves the car, she gets into an accident. I really want her to be successful and independent in life, so if I am not around, she can afford to take care of the children.

DBM: That’s understandable. Do you feel your life would be way better without her by your side?

Nat: Sometimes, that is how I feel, but I also feel each person comes with their own luck in our lives. Even though I wasn’t successful before she migrated to the United States, I often feel her luck is also part of the reasons why I am where I am at the moment in life. Some ladies can really ruin one’s life with a lot of bad luck. It could be that I would have been better or not… But I seriously don’t know if she is destined for me. If she is destined for me, then she has to change a little to make me happy as a man, because at this very moment, I am scared for us.

DBM: I heard my mother once tell a man who had come to discuss his plan to divorce his wife, that, ‘a good wife is a man’s covering. She may not be a perfect wife, however, keeping to her can be a good thing – because you obtain favor’

Nat: That is absolutely for sure

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Nat: Yes, I do. I love her for her patience, her respectful nature, her sense of humor, the care and other qualities. But I need her to lift herself to make me proud.

DBM: Are you in love with your wife? I mean, aside the fact that she’s not making you any prouder

Nat: I am not really in love with her

DBM: Are you in love with someone else?

Nat: No!

DBM: Okay!

Nat: I just want her to be the woman I dreamt of, so things can get better for us all.

DBM: Would you want me to recommend a counselor I trust to speak with you?

Nat: That would be wonderful

DBM: I will publish our conversation on Friday, the 27^th of January. I will get him to read it, so he gets to have a fair idea of you, and then, you can WhatsApp him afterwards.

Nat: Awesome! Thank you!

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Thirdman

Let’s Talk To Serwaa

Written by David B on January 26, 2023. Posted in Blog. 9 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 46: Serwaa

DBM: Hi Serwaa. How would you describe yourself

Serwaa: I am 43 years of age, mother of a teenage girl, wife and God’s child. I do not take anything for granted; I choose my words carefully, and I love life

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Serwaa: I want to share the surprise I found in my ‘For better or for worse’ vow.

DBM: Tell me about it

Serwaa: A year and a half into our marriage, my husband suffered a terminal illness that rendered him disabled. Before he became incapacitated, we found out I was pregnant.

DBM: How long ago?

Serwaa: 16 years now.

DBM: How is your husband doing?

Serwaa: He’s alive, but still under my care. Nothing really has changed, and I have been taking care of him and our daughter.

DBM: Oh, wow!

Serwaa: The last time I had sex with a man was 16 years ago, and it was with my husband, before he became ill.

DBM: Hmmm!

Serwaa: I signed up for it, ‘In sickness and in health…’ but I’d be lying if I say it’s a walk in the park. It’s a responsibility I never imagined I could be prepared for. I am physically exhausted a lot of the time; I am often depressed, and sad. Sometimes, I get angry for no reason; I get scared of either losing him or me losing my mind due to the overwhelming mixed emotions.

DBM: Why do you sometimes get angry?

Serwaa: Dave, I feel like he has taken away my dream to be happily married. His condition has taken away 16 years of our relationship; our intimacy and fun times. He’s also missed out on being a father to our baby girl.

DBM: Is he conscious enough to understand what is happening around him?

Serwaa: He can’t talk, he can’t walk but he can hear us. He tries to smile and nod gently sometimes when we engage him in a conversation. He sees us

DBM: I can only imagine what you have been dealing with

Serwaa: It’s not been easy

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Serwaa: I know I love the man I married very much, but I have caught myself on several occasions wishing he were not here, so I could move on with my life. There is nothing really ongoing between us. I have been more of a caregiver, than being a wife for 16 years. As a woman, I sometimes feel I deserve to get some well-deserved break from all this.

DBM: Do you receive any external assistance in taking care of him?

Serwaa: In the early years of his illness, some family members of his and friends used to come around to help with the cleaning and shopping and cooking, etc. But they all stopped after a year or two. One thing this experience has thought me is that, people are not always going to be there for you. We need to learn to handle situations on our own, because I had to learn how to quickly get back to my senses – and not have to be depending on people.

DBM: What is your current state of mind?

Serwaa: I’ve been keeping a close eye on myself and my mental health of course. I make sure I am active, and because my daughter and I take turns in the caring of her father, I am able to get plenty of rest. We eat well too, all three of us.

DBM: I see. I am glad you are not the only one providing care for him

Serwaa: Same here

DBM: Do his other family members live nearby?

Serwaa: Most of them are here in Accra

DBM: Do they, at least get to spend time with him even though they’re not helping in the provision of care?

Serwaa: Once in a while they call or pass through for an hour or two to check on how we are doing?

DBM: What kind of activities or hobbies does your husband love to enjoy?

Serwaa: He loves to look me directly in the eye. He looks very happy whenever it’s our daughter’s turn to attend to him. He loves gospel music. In fact, he’s his happiest when he hears a gospel song. Dave, maybe you can sing me a gospel song one of these days, so I let him watch. I love the way you sing.

DBM: What type of gospel music moves him?

Serwaa: Foreign songs.

DBM: I will do just that for you. I’m already thinking of ‘GOODNESS OF GOD’ by CeCe Winans. Have you heard that song?

Serwaa: Dave, that’s perfect.

DBM: Hehehehe!

Serwaa: Thank you! Oh, I almost forgot, he also loves rubbing the cats

DBM: Nice. What do you see in his eyes when he stares at you?

Serwaa: Love and respect. He cares about me; it’s written all over him. He’s always finding a reason to smile a lot too, whenever he looks over my way

DBM: You make him happy

Serwaa: Maybe…

DBM: People say, ‘GOD is good’ all the time. Do you think through it all, GOD has been good to you?

Serwaa: Your question is making me want to cry

DBM: Why is that?

Serwaa: Oh David, you’re making me cry at work. I wasn’t expecting this

DBM: It’s all good, Serwaa; it’s all good

Serwaa: For 16 years, I’ve lived in fear and anxiety; emotional unrest and so much uncertainty. I know God has been good to me, my husband and our daughter; even when he seems distant, or money is short. I am not living in my dreamed marriage but God is good. Come what may, I am prepared to embrace anything and everything.

DBM: What kind of man was your husband, prior to his situation?

Serwaa: The type that would protect me from anything that endangered my well-being. He used to talk to me on a daily basis; he shared with me all that made him happy. He talked about me to his friends and family, and they could feel his excitement. I knew I made him very happy; he used to make me glad too.

DBM: What would you do if his situation never changes?

Serwaa: I will accept my fate fully, because I can’t change what is happening to him. No one knows what’s going to happen to us next. I don’t understand what is going on but for the meantime, I’d want my understanding to take the back seat – while I choose to live with what I’ve been given.

DBM: Even if what you’ve been given is clearly, a closed door?

Serwaa: Dave, if I turn around, I see open windows. A beautiful blessing came out of this ‘closed door’, and she’s the love of our lives. She’s smart, caring, happy, lovely and everything a daughter has to be. I have a good paying job that enables me to take very good care of my husband and daughter. I don’t beg for bread. Also, my husband is not difficult to handle. His situation stresses me out alright, but he as a person does not give me problems.

DBM: Are you the right woman for your husband?

Serwaa: I am. I want more, for sure but we journey on till death do us part.

DBM: Thank you for getting in touch.

Image Credit: Alexandre Saraiva Carniato

Let’s Talk To Larry

Written by David B on January 25, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 45: I am Larry

DBM: Hello Larry. Please tell me a little about yourself

Larry: I am my family’s provider, and I make sure that the financial needs of my wife, children and the home is met. I am my family’s protector, and I make sure I am available to any of them should they feel anxious or threatened. I have made it my mission to not put the name, image or reputation of any member of my family to shame. In our home, I am the interpreter of our moral code. I lead by example, first as a man, husband and father. I have been married for 29 years to the same woman, and we have four children together. I am a Nephrologist

DBM: Who is a Nephrologist?

Larry: A doctor that diagnosis and treats diseases that affect the kidneys. We also treat patients with illnesses that can lead to kidney failure or its related diseases.

DBM: Interesting. What do you want to talk about?

Larry: I want to make a suggestion to women. Guys are not perfect; we cannot be perfect, but we can be loyal. We can be caring. We can be respectful. We can be kind. My suggestion is, make sure the man you are with, or the man you seek is all that and more.

DBM: Why should a woman opt for loyalty?

Larry: A loyal person will not think twice to inform you that he loves his wife and children. A man who is loyal doesn’t speak negatively about his wife to others. We choose our wives above every other woman or man we might be interested in. We follow through with our wedding vows and stick to it, no matter what. We are not ashamed to be faithful to our spouses; it’s not even a challenge; it’s not a difficulty; it’s not an obligation… It’s our everyday lifestyle because we believe in who we are, HONEST men by every standard measurable. And we give off this characteristic freely

DBM: Why should a woman choose a man who is caring?

Larry: A man who is caring is the right man because he relieves you off the burden of investing so much of your energy, compassion, love and effort into the relationship. Our actions put your instincts to rest, because we are focused on what is important to us, YOU. We don’t mind inconveniencing ourselves for the short while just to see you experience what you feel is best for you. You see us, and it’s like your dreams have come true – because we want to do anything to make your dreams come true. We know this, when we see that smile on your face, every day.

DBM: What is the relevance of a respectful man?

Larry: I respect my wife because I do not forget about her in my daily activities. I have not cheated on my wife all these years because I carry her along the way in my heart, and in my mind. She is the singlet I wear under my shirt; she’s the boxer shorts I put on before wearing my trousers. She’s the socks that fits in my shoes. I respect my wife because she’s the only woman I want to be with. She’s an important part of my life, and I want to be a significant part of her life. We are intentional when it comes to not doing anything our wives wouldn’t approve of, because we don’t want them to lose their respect for us. A man who respects you loves you. Dave, I love my wife, and I fear making a wrong decision that could affect her deeply. She accepts my good, she accepts my bad, but I want to be a better person every day, so she can be proud of me.

DBM: So, you’re basically doing everything possible to please your wife, no?

Larry: It’s not about pleasing her. At work, I see a lot of the nurses and junior staffs attempting to make us happy. I don’t think they realize it, but they seek our approval somehow. Our job is already demanding, and so trying to please others other than yourself – takes too much energy. I am a doctor because I WANT to be a doctor; It has nothing to do with what my parents or friends expected of me. For me, a BS/MD program best fit my interest and long term goals. I have always been passionate about medicine and helping people. It’s the same with marriage; my desire is to make it work with my wife, so we can enjoy the journey together. She’s doing her part of the agreement; I am doing my part of the agreement, and so far, we’ve gotten better results.

DBM: What are the results?

Larry: A peaceful home; a happy wife; the happy me and happy children. When I think of what I share with my wife, I get more vitality, passion and interest in achieving more for our marriage, so we can enjoy each other.

DBM: She’s your priority

Larry: Numéro un. And I am very patient when dealing with her

DBM: You talked about kindness

Larry: I think my wife and I did good in our choices, because we decided to be kind to each other. We are both decent and considerate. No, it’s not been easy: we have nursed our sore egos together, and we have decided to hold our hearts out in front of each other – with the hope that we wouldn’t crush it in our fists. A kind heart will hold yours dear to theirs. Being just kind doesn’t make me weak; it doesn’t make me vulnerable. I am not foolish because I am kind; I am not reckless. And it has nothing to do with being phony. I am the man I want to be in my marriage. I am the man I want to be for my wife. My actions are always within my control because I want my wife to feel safe and seen.

DBM: This is actually good. I don’t think I have any more questions

Larry: All I am trying to say is, being with such people is a blessing. I have not let my wife down; I have no intention of leaving her, even during a darker time in her life. I am a responsible man, and I will struggle along with her to make sure things are better between us.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ono Kosuki

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