Let’s Talk To J

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 35: J

DBM: Hello J. Please tell me a little about yourself

J: I think I am not good enough for my husband.

DBM: I want to know who J is, as a person.

J: I am average in looks and I don’t think I am beautiful

DBM: What is your definition of beauty?

J: The people my husband likes for the way they look, and their physical appearances that makes him fall for them

DBM: Usually, when a man gets to know a woman as a person, likes her, and then falls in love with her, he automatically begins to see an element of beauty in you, that may or not be common knowledge.

J: What if he never was in love with me?

DBM: Why did he marry you then?

J: I got pregnant with his child, and his father wouldn’t agree to abortion or a grandchild born out of wedlock

DBM: Tell me something about your husband

J: He’s handsome and good at talking to women, except me. He is not afraid to tell other ladies what he’s thinking and feeling. He’s broken my trust many times due to his dishonesty. He prefers to spend time at work or with other women or his buddies rather than me. I am not his number one priority, but he loves our children very much and is doing everything to give them a life full of ease and beauty.

DBM: Why are you still with him?

J: I don’t believe in divorce. I don’t believe in letting my children experience a broken home. Till death do us part is a vow I sincerely took and would adhere to. I made a promise to my husband, and to God, on our wedding day. And I know it is only God who will get me through these rather tough times.

DBM: You’re a Christian, I’m guessing?

J: I am

DBM: Do you believe GOD can equally put a smile on your face, even if that means through a divorce?

J: Divorce is not an option for me.

DBM: I am not suggesting a divorce. I am just asking a question.

J: Maybe

DBM: Was your husband the man of your dreams when you were dating?

J: Yes

DBM: Were you the woman of his dreams?

J: I can’t answer for him.

DBM: Was his intention ever to marry you?

J: I don’t know

DBM: Prior to getting pregnant, was marriage a discussion on the table?

J: Not really

DBM: So, what was the definition given to your relationship with him?

J: He was my boyfriend

DBM: And you were his girlfriend?

J: Yes

DBM: The only woman in his life?

J: No!

DBM: You knew of others?

J: Yes

DBM: Does he share in your values and interests?

J: Not so much

DBM: He’s a Christian?

J: He is

DBM: Was he ever a guy who looked ready for a long-term commitment of any sort?

J: Not really.

DBM: So, you got pregnant for a man who clearly wanted to be single, a bachelor, but at the same time, have his girlfriends to be available to his needs, and basically enjoy his party boy lifestyle?

J: I love my husband

DBM: Why do you love him?

J: He saw me

DBM: Where?

J: I mean, he was the only guy who could really see me

DBM: What did he see?

J: I wouldn’t know, Dave, but he saw me.

DBM: As in, he made you believe he sees you?

J: If that’s how you’re going to interpret it

DBM: His other women felt seen, loved and listened to, no?

J: But he married me

DBM: Because you wanted to be the chosen one, no?

J: Nothing wrong with that

DBM: Are you happy?

J: I don’t feel happy

DBM: Why is that?

J: I wouldn’t know how to explain it.

DBM: But it has your husband’s footprints factored in there somewhere?

J: Yes.

DBM: Your husband’s opinions about you, and his actions towards you are not under your jurisdiction. You know that, no?

J: I don’t believe in divorce. You’re not the first person trying to not to suggest it. I cannot see myself breaking a promise I made.

DBM: A dear friend of mine did not believe in divorce, until the actions of her husband forced her to stop believing in the marriage. She encouraged herself to change her mind quickly.

J: That was her; this is me.

DBM: Understood! Does your husband believe in his marriage to you?

J: He believes he has a family with me

DBM: Family, meaning, he has kids with you?

J: Yes

DBM: But you cannot tell how he really feels about you?

J: I am not enough for him

DBM: Who is enough for you?

J: My husband should have been the perfect guy for me

DBM: Are you enough for you?

J: I don’t know. Are you enough for you?

DBM: I know that no one person can make me feel a certain way about myself, unless I allow those emotions. I am enough for me at the moment, because I am at peace with myself. I know who I am, I love who I am, regardless of what others think of me; no one knows me better than I know myself; people’s opinions of me are not who I know I am, and I don’t give a damn. I am open and vulnerable to my personal experience, and I look forward to the man I am becoming.

J: Because I smile, people assume all is well with me.

DBM: All is not well with you

J: Dave, I have always been there for my husband, but he is never truly there for me

DBM: What’s your biggest fear?

J: To lose my mind because of my husband.

DBM: You probably might be blindsided to this, but his actions are bending you out of shape and influencing your behavior in ways in which I doubt you would ever be aware of.

J: What do I do aside divorce?

DBM: Take time to analyze the source of why you feel inadequate, and if you can make any sense out it, maybe it would help you lessen its destructive effect on you as a person.

J: I want my husband

DBM: It’s okay to want your husband, but it’s okay to want you too. You feel guarded because you don’t want to be alone

J: It was nice chatting with you

DBM: Likewise.

Image Credit: Angela Roma

Let’s Talk To William

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 14 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 34: I’m William

DBM: Hello William. Please tell me a little about yourself

William: I’ve been married for 28 years, and my wife says I am a joy to be married to.

DBM: Are you?

William: I’d want to believe so. I make my wife feel included, wanted, special, appreciated and loved. She sleeps soundly by my side every evening.

DBM: I’m glad to know

William: I have been following the conversations you’ve been having with the ladies, and I want to say, it’s good they’re being open about their experiences with married men. However, not every married man cheats. I have played by the rules of marriage for 28 years.

DBM: Well done!

William: Thank you! Dave, when you care about someone for who they are, like how I love my wife, everything about them becomes beautiful to you.

DBM: Do you know any married friends who are doing otherwise?

William: A ton, and they tell me they cheat not because they do not love their wives. I doubt cheating has anything to do with love. A lot of these guys take a chance out with other people because they do not want their wives to feel they’re overly being demanding when it comes to their need for sex. A lot of men love sex; I love sex and it can become our weakness. Unfortunately, many wives who know this about their husbands take advantage of the opportunity to deny them, leaving the men depressed.

DBM: Have you ever been denied sex at home?

William: Many times

DBM: And, what did you do?

William: I exercised self-discipline and control over my desires. I made a promise to my wife when I married her, to forsake all others. I respect myself too much to break my vows.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

William: As a kid, I also saw my father disrespect my mother. We found out he had been cheating on her. The damage it did to our self-esteem as children, and the fact that, our dad did not even see this act of utmost selfishness, and his disregard for our need for security and trust – is the reason why I want to encourage men to be more attentive and available to their wives. A man has to be open and honest to his wife; know how your wife feels, so she can understand how you feel.

DBM: And has it always worked for you?

William: No!

DBM: Did your father love your mum?

William: Like many others, I never heard him appreciate my mother for anything she did. My wife is valuable to me because I appreciate her for being a big part of my life, and that of our family; my children know this. And because she means the world to me, I have never allowed any form of temptation to make me act in a way that would put my marriage to her in jeopardy.

DBM: Is the typical man built for monogamy?

William: Every man has the ability to do right by his wife, even when she’s not there to witness your every move. I made a sacred pledge to commit myself to only my wife, because I love her. It’s a conscious choice I made. Many guys have made similar promises, but are choosing to cast aside the feelings of the women they’re supposed to be in love with, for a momentary time of pleasure. Our integrity as men ought to outweigh our socioeconomic status. My word, as a man, should be as good as my bond; because going back on your promise to your wife means losing all of her trust in you. No one in their right senses should put their trust in you, or even do business with you if you can’t be faithful to your wife.

DBM: It’s that much a big deal?

William: It is to me, unfortunately. Marriage is not an easy work; that is why some of us are working really hard to build and maintain the relationship we want to experience with our wives. The 24-hours I have in a day is barely enough for me to be a husband, father and an employee. I cannot add an extra job of maintaining an affair.

DBM: How often do you think about your wife in a day?

William: She’s come to my mind more than four time already today.

DBM: How about sex?

William: How many times have I thought about sex today?

DBM: Yes!

William: It has not flashed my mind.

DBM: Meaning, you’re not having sex tonight?

William: You are the one drawing my attention to it. I probably would

DBM: How old are you?

William: 57

DBM: If you could be 28 or 29 years old again, would you have asked for your wife’s hand in marriage?

William: No!

DBM: Why not?

William: My intimacy needs are not met. She tries to give in to sex just to make me feel happy, but a lot of the time, I see that she’s not really into it. She agrees to it only out of duty. I have more sex drive than her – and it sometimes creates an unspoken tension between us.

DBM: So, sex plays an important role in marriage

William: If my wife could have understood years ago that, meeting my sexual needs was as important as prioritizing her needs and that of our children, maybe I would have been the happiest man in the world.

DBM: Give me an example of a scenario

William: My mother died 15 years ago. The day of the funeral, I wanted to be intimate with my wife before attending the funeral service that morning. She was very close to mum, and so, she was grieving too; I could understand that part, but hey, she was my mother, and I was hurting the most. I needed that perfect moment to be vulnerable, accepted and not judged for wanting to get laid while my mum lied in state. She refused me that opportunity to be comforted by her. I still remember to this day because that was time that I needed to be covered with my wife’s love.

DBM: You don’t feel alone in the marriage, do you?

William: I’m okay, I’m used to all this. My children are becoming everything they wanted to become, my wife smiles a lot and looks happy all the time. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

DBM: Are you happy, as a married man?

William: I am happy as a man. I am happy as a father. I am proud of being a good husband to my wife

DBM: But…?

William: There is no but. Lol!

DBM: You qualified your state of being a man and a father with happiness. You didn’t do same as a husband.

William: I don’t want to put out the impression that marriage is all about sex for the men. But for some of us guys with a high sex drive, we’re our most confident, active and alive when our wives make it a priority to keep our sex lives interesting and working. A woman is more memorable to a man if the sex is good. A woman is more powerful to a man if the sex is great. A woman is more attractive to a man if the sex is awesome. A man is impressed if sex with you is something he cannot easily get out of his mind.

DBM: I’ve spoken to people who genuinely are good at heart, and do care about their partners. Many of them have had affairs, and do know that, sometimes, it’s the wrong thing to do. But then again, they did not truly know it until they did it.

William: From our conversation, you realize a lot has also gone on in my marriage. Everything that has happened between me and my wife, I’ve had a CHOICE in how to respond. An affair is a type of response. It’s a choice.

DBM: What would you say to people who are in unhappy relationships or marriages, or even jobs that aren’t so fulfilling, whereby they may love or like whoever they may be dealing with, but deep down they know they deserve better?

William: If the relationship isn’t working, if the marriage does not bring you joy; if the job isn’t fulfilling enough; if your life in the situation isn’t progressing – then maybe you need to consider closing that chapter and moving on from that entanglement. You don’t need to waste any more time trying to make others feel good.

Image Credit: Zen Chung

Let’s Talk To IBML

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 33: IBML

DBM: Meaning?

IBML: In-between my legs

DBM: Smh!

IBML: Gidday Dave

DBM: G’day IBML. Please tell me a little about yourself

IBML: I am passionate about unlimiting my capabilities, redefining what is and what is not plausible and just embracing my life outside of my typical repertoire. I am able and adequate enough to reach my desires and goals; I offer companionship to resourceful men and I get paid to spend time with them. I am 36 years of age, single, and a teacher.

DBM: What do you teach?

IBML: I teach in the Biological and Medical Physics areas. I am a PhD holder. My employers are the tertiary institutions.

DBM: What does your average day look like?

IBML: Today is Saturday; I woke up, brushed my teeth, had a quick shower, fed my dogs, had my breakfast, did a little bit of cleaning and arranging around the house; took my bath and went out to get groceries. I did in all, three hours of TV, social media and a movie; texting and talking to my friends in-between; engaged a client I will be meeting tonight to offer him companionship, and now chatting with you.

DBM: How would you describe yourself?

IBML: I am a professional woman, who is not putting her private life on the back burner

DBM: What do you want in life?

IBML: I don’t want it all, that, I know for certain. I also have a schedule that fits my needs, and that does not include having a family, if that is your question.

DBM: I see

IBML: I work close to 58 hours a week, and this leaves pretty much little time for me to focus on anything else.

DBM: Is marriage a decision you would ever make?

IBML: I know people in good marriages and I will encourage anyone who has met a good person who is single and available to them; someone who is kind and will respect their relationship with them, to consider marriage – if it’s a topic for discussion on the table. I am just not interested in that concept.

DBM: Why is that?

IBML: I am speaking from my experiences with my clients. The married men I offer my services to do not see the need to respect the value of their commitments to their spouses. It’s like, they intentionally would put themselves in a position to have the option of losing their wives. Most of my clients are bored with their wives and marriages. And Dave, the typical man wants to progress in his life. That’s the unfortunate truth women don’t seem to pay attention to.

DBM: Interesting

IBML: My clients pay a lot of money for my time; so, when I am dressed up and look all seasoned for tonight’s encounter for example, he sees me, and in his eyes, I am the very expensive meal on the menu.

DBM: But it’s not all about sex?

IBML: Dave, a menu is a comprehensive list of interesting options offered to a customer when they come into contact with what they want or need or desire. I offer an extensive variety of choices, and each service is priced differently, based on the effort to be put into it. I am always in charge of my kitchen; I keep a strict tab on every move I make and ensure to be making profit at the end of the day.

DBM: What drove you into this job?

IBML: I think the men I come across generally find me attractive, and I appeal more to a certain class of them. Unfortunately, a higher percentage of that class happen to be married. Most are rich and can afford to get away with cheating on their wives. One man actually told me, he’s been caught a few times by his wife, but he’s managed to always weasel his way back into her heart.

DBM: So, it’s because you attract them?

IBML: Not entirely. I crave for sex a lot, and it can be a dilemma to deal with. I’m not addicted to it, but once I think it, I want it again… and again… and again. I think I look sexy and more attractive because of the constant sex I have. And I have explored all my sexual fantasies to better understand my own body and its needs, especially when it comes to receiving pleasure. I love the idea of variety, that’s why I cannot see myself settling with just one man.

DBM: Okay!

IBML: If I am to be in a relationship or married, my husband can put a limit on my sexual exploits. As a single woman, I am free of the expectations of a spouse’s need for my time and attention. I choose whom to dedicate my time and attention to, of course, at a fee.

DBM: I get you.

IBML: It’s all about the choices one makes to validate their routine

DBM: How long have you been in this work?

IBML: Since age 21

DBM: At night, when you are alone, are you pleased with your self and accomplishments?

IBML: I am not ashamed of who I am; I am not ashamed of what I do. In fact, I am pleased with the fact that, I don’t keep all my eggs in one basket. The men I come into contact with all know it’s a service I provide. I’ve not lied to anyone to be in a for better and for worse relationship with. I’ve always kept my options open. And as a career woman, I have always kept a back-up plan handy. No one knows tomorrow, so a Plan B is always within my reach

DBM: What is the one good thing about your work with men?

IBML: I’ve come to understand what most guys want from a woman.

DBM: What do men want?

IBML: They want us to drive them nuts – in a fun, cool way. My clients like it when I wear lacy underwear and dance seductively for them. I think it stimulates them visually, and drives them wild. Whenever I look in the eyes of a client while I slowly undress, I feel their minds racing all around me. It’s like, they’re imagining what could come next as my next move.

DBM: Probably because you have a flawless body

IBML: My physique is nothing close to flawless. My clients hardly pay any attention to the flaws on my body when I am busy turning them on. It’s all about getting them involved in the fun. I think men want the same things women want: companionship, friendship, and chemistry. They want to be loved, served, and given space when they need it. When they’re around me, they get to laugh a lot; I randomly would touch them, and they touch back. I hug them, and they hug back.

DBM: Served what?

IBML: Basically, great sex to sustain the connection in the relationship, and also, releasing stress and tension. After the sex is serving him good food. Cook him something to fill his belly.

DBM: You cook for them?

IBML: I don’t, but I order homemade meals to be delivered to us. It’s all in the package I offer.

DBM: I see

IBML: I don’t manipulate them to have things done my way, like how most of them feel their wives do. Before they book for my services, they already know I choose them from a place of want, not desperation. And, I certainly ask for my wants and needs to be met. I am courageous and strong like that.

DBM: What is the worst thing about your work?

IBML: I cannot predict the behavior of a new client. If it’s an in-call service, I choose the location. If it’s an out-call service, then I have to go visit at a location chosen by him. Some clients are not who they say they are, and if you’re not careful…

DBM: Are you friends with your clients?

IBML: A lot of them are pleased with my services and keep the working relationship ongoing. But some are just a once-off situation.

DBM: Have you ever been attracted to your clients?

IBML: I don’t get my emotions involved. Secondly, most of these clients are not available to be taken. They’re already married.

DBM: Have they been attracted to you?

IBML: A lot of them have, but they’re aware it’s a job for me to make them feel good. So, it’s not just about one person’s feelings.

DBM: If I gave you the opportunity to say something to the married women reading this conversation, what would you say?

IBML: Your husband will look at the other woman who is hotter, sexier, smarter and beautiful than you, and that is not something he can easily control. It doesn’t make him inconsiderate. He is fighting his sexual urges. Clients tell me because their wives have zero percent chance of finding out about their extracurricular activities with other people, they get away with cheating. Some know they’ve got a good thing at home with you and they do consider your feelings while with me; others know what they’ve got to lose but just don’t care. Clients pay for my services because with me, they’re on the receiving end. I rock their world doing all the hard work with their best friend, the penis. Yes, I said it: your husband’s best friend is not you. His best friend is not his colleague at work or the guy who played his best man at your wedding. His best friend is not a childhood mate. Have breakfast in bed with that guy in-between your husband’s legs.

DBM: Thank you for availing yourself to this chat

IBML: You have to chat with our other friend.

DBM: I would appreciate it if you could put in a word

Image Credit: Alan Cabello

Let’s Talk To Mawuena

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 11 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 32: Mawuena is my name

DBM: Oh, nice. I like Ewe names. What does it mean?

Mawuena: A gift from God or God’s gift

DBM: How is it pronounced?

Mawuena: Ma-wu-ena or MAH-WUH-EH-NAH

DBM: Hi Mawuena. Please tell me a little about yourself

Mawuena: I am married with children. I like it whenever the sunshine falls on my face. I have a good job, I am financially independent, and I have a mind of my own. I love to keep my home clean and my family well fed. I love being involved in my children’s lives, and I have always been there to support my husband and keep him amused.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Mawuena: My priority has been to make my husband a happy man by all means, and he’s told me many times that I satisfy him.

DBM: Good, but what does that mean?

Mawuena: Whatever that means, David, because I don’t believe him anymore.

DBM: Hmmmm!

Mawuena: He’s been partially blind for the past few months.

DBM: What happened?

Mawuena: He supposedly returned home from work in August, 2022, feeling sick. He complained about his skin becoming painfully itchy, but would refuse to go and see a physician. A week later, I realized the cornea area of his eyes had started to scar. I called a doctor friend to come and check on him at home. In the middle of October, he went blind.

DBM: Oh, wow! I’m terribly sorry

Mawuena: Don’t be

DBM: Why not?

Mawuena: I think it was the Universe’s way of letting me catch up with him.

DBM: How so?

Mawuena: All that while, I had not heard my husband’s phone ring or vibrate, not even once. He has been given a sick leave to recover, and so he’s been home from Wednesday, 19th of October till date.

DBM: Okay! How is he doing now?

Mawuena: His vision is still blurry but he feels the impact of light rays entering his eyes lately.

DBM: So, that’s an improvement?

Mawuena: Yes, hopefully.

DBM: You were talking about his phone

Mawuena: I don’t know where our five-year old son found his mobile phone but it was switched off and hidden somewhere in the house. He wanted me to download games on it for him to play. I switched it on, and gave it to him to go ask his father for his password. That was in the morning of Tuesday, 25th of October. I was getting late for work so I left them. I came home in the evening, and my son was standing at our carpark, waiting for me. Dave, anytime this child has told me to shishhh, he’s had something to report about. He told me his daddy made him promise not to tell me.

DBM: What?

Mawuena: He was holding his father’s phone. He unlocked the passcode and asked me to check his WhatsApp. My baby says his father instructed him to delete messages that had come in from a particular contact. He did not delete them but had lied to his father he had. He wanted me to see it first.

DBM: What did you see?

Mawuena: Everything a child shouldn’t be seeing. Obscene images and videos from my husband’s girlfriend.

DBM: Why would your son show you this?

Mawuena: Joshua is so beloved. He is the cutest kid in the world and a total badass. He understands my ultimate rule at home: Do not keep anything from mummy.

DBM: I see

Mawuena: From his conversations with the lady on August 24th, whatever bit him to make him feel sick had bitten him while he was at her house. Mind you, it was this same day that he came home complaining about body ache. I did not know he had called in sick at work that Wednesday morning, because he left home, claiming he was going to work. He went to spend an entire day with his side piece of shit.

DBM: Marriage is challenging

Mawuena: Dave, stop with the inspirational talk

DBM: Oh!

Mawuena: I am going through the gruesome pain of his cheating ass and I don’t need any motivational messages at this moment.

DBM: Noted! Have you ever had doubts about his loyalty to you?

Mawuena: I had no clue about infidelity. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything because it’s difficult to catch my husband in a wrongdoing. He is smart and gives you no reason to doubt him. My husband is also very careful about leaving any clues on his phone. He would have probably become more careful and subtle if he realized that I was onto him.

DBM: Have you confronted him?

Mawuena: I have.

DBM: You’ve known since October. Are you still angry at him?

Mawuena: Yes, and I’ve tried my best not to hurt him where it hurts, but I am at a complete loss as to what to do. How do I get attracted to a man when he has taken a wrecking ball to my trust in him?

DBM: You love him?

Mawuena: I’ve never loved any man as much as I love my husband. That’s what pains me. Before finding out about his cheating, we used to have sex multiple times in a week. Dave, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. There was so much hunger like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t understand why he would do this to me.

DBM: Unfortunately, the urges of a cheating man lack reason.

Mawuena: And the fact that he told our son to lie, and gave him money for his silence

DBM: How much?

Mawuena: 50 Cedis

DBM: How is a blind man able to see a GHs 50 note?

Mawuena: Josh says he asked him to go and take it from his wallet. But he gave the money to me after handing over his father’s phone.

DBM: Are you still intimate with him?

Mawuena: No! I’ve lost that passion. I don’t feel comfortable doing anything sexual with him again.

DBM: Has he owned up to his mistake?

Mawuena: He’s been asking for forgiveness. He’s also been begging for sex.

DBM: Lol!

Mawuena: Smfh!

DBM: Is your relationship worth rescuing?

Mawuena: I no longer have interest in making my marriage a priority.

DBM: Can you let go of the resentment towards him and try to move forward?

Mawuena: Maybe, but I am not sure I would want to have sex with my husband ever again.

DBM: Is there a possibility of you being happy with him, despite what he has done?

Mawuena: No! I have mixed feelings about everything that has happened. I don’t think I can easily forgive and forget. I don’t trust him.

Image Credit: Yan Krukau

Let’s Talk To Abdul

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 31: My name is Abdul

DBM: Hello Abdul. Please tell me a little about yourself

Abdul: I am the provider in my family, and have been through numerous experiences in life but would not let these experiences limit or define me. I am 48 years old, a Lawyer, married, and a father.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Abdul: I want to talk about me being a man, a husband and a father.

DBM: I’m interested.

Abdul: Dave, I go through a whole lot, and it’s unfortunate that sometimes, though I am married to a great woman, I tend to have no one to turn to

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: Because we’ve been conditioned to believe that, being strong means keeping quiet about certain things; and that we have to mask our emotions as men

DBM: Who has placed these conditions on you?

Abdul: The world and the society I find myself in.

DBM: I see

Abdul: I’ve been suffering in silence to be honest with you. I’m always keeping important issues bothering me to myself, and I don’t get to deal with them accordingly.

DBM: What kind of issues bother you?

Abdul: I’m supposed to be happily married but it feels like I am not fully into it

DBM: Not fully into the marriage or your wife?

Abdul: Both, and even the idea of being a father to my own children.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Abdul: I will be doing nine years this August.

DBM: That’s wonderful

Abdul: But it’s like, I am ruining my own happiness on the account of someone else’s happiness.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Abdul: I wanted to get married because I wanted to fall in love

DBM: What did you see in your wife?

Abdul: Beauty. I was attracted to her. And, she wanted to be married to me because she was in love with me.

DBM: When you look in her face today, what do you see?

Abdul: I don’t know what I see.

DBM: Take your time to think about my question. Let me give you an example: when I look in the face of the one I am in love with, I see joy, smiles; I see hope for us, I see someone who genuinely cares about and wants the very best for me; I see my name, and everything that is important to me written all over this person’s desires. I see their own strength, and dreams and abilities to want to accomplish so much for themselves, do good for themselves, so they can get to live a good life with me in it.

Abdul: I see confusion, sometimes sadness and anger in her eyes.

DBM: What do you see in the mirror when you look at you?

Abdul: Regrets, confusion, unhappiness, and a wish to be left alone.

DBM: What do you like about your wife?

Abdul: She’s a good mother to our children. I know she tries to be a good wife to me

DBM: I know you’re physically attracted to her. Are you sexually attracted to her?

Abdul: Yes!

DBM: Are you happy with the woman in the position of a wife to you?

Abdul: I don’t know how to answer this question.

DBM: When you made the decision to want to get married to her, did you know what you were getting yourself into?

Abdul: I thought I did.

DBM: What were you certain of, before you embarked on this journey?

Abdul: I knew I had a beautiful woman; I knew I was going to enjoy limitless sex with her; I knew our children would be in good hands

DBM: But you weren’t certain you were ever going to be happy with her in your picture?

Abdul: I don’t think I ever thought of it.

DBM: Do you share the same interests?

Abdul: Not really.

DBM: Do you like your wife the way she is or you’d love for her to change?

Abdul: I don’t know

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Abdul: We talk

DBM: Who do you resent the most, your wife or you?

Abdul: I resent myself

DBM: Why?

Abdul: Because I chose to put myself in this situation.

DBM: Does your wife respect you?

Abdul: She does.

DBM: What does your wife say to people in respect to what you are to her?

Abdul: I’ve heard her tell her family and friends that I am a provider and her protector.

DBM: What are your priorities in life?

Abdul: To be happy

DBM: You’re not happy now, but do you see any potential in being a happy man with your wife and children by your side?

Abdul: No!

DBM: Do you love your children?

Abdul: I do

DBM: What are your goals in life?

Abdul: To achieve my dreams.

DBM: What percentage of your dreams have been achieved?

Abdul: I’d say, 50%

DBM: What does the other half entail?

Abdul: Building a happy home with my soul mate.

DBM: Is your wife your soul mate?

Abdul: I don’t know.

DBM: How soon did you two start to be intimate after your first meet?

Abdul: The attraction was there, and so we hit it off not so long after. Why that question?

DBM: I am very old fashioned, and sometimes believe sex can confuse me from clearly understanding my commitment and depth to someone I like.

Abdul: I had feelings for her

DBM: Question is, what type of feelings were they? Since you were already picturing getting laid

Abdul: That makes sense.

DBM: Are you open and honest about your true feelings to your wife?

Abdul: No!

DBM: How about, to you?

Abdul: I doubt it

DBM: Do you trust your wife?

Abdul: I do

DBM: Do you get to acknowledge to yourself, exactly what is bothering you?

Abdul: I often would dismiss it when it come to mind.

DBM: Why?

Abdul: It’s easier that way.

DBM: Can your marriage in any way, help you fix whatever is troubling you?

Abdul: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Abdul: I wish I didn’t have this conversation with you.

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: I don’t know. I don’t know what I want

DBM: Abdul…

Abdul: Yeah

DBM: It is very okay not to be okay. But do not rob yourself of your emotions. Do not rob yourself of your heart. Don’t be walking around for so long, feeling broken within. Try to make it easy on you, so you can find delight in hanging out with your own self.

Abdul: Okay!

DBM: Be an influence to your own mood

Image Credit: Nicola Barts

 

Let’s Talk To J4

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 30: I’m J4

DBM: J4?

J4: June 4th

DBM: Heheheheh! Why do I have a feeling you’re going to excite the living hell out of me?

J4: That’s more of Ginger’s territory. You’re safe with me.

DBM: Hello J4

J4: Hi Daviiiiiiiiiid. I love everything you do on Facebook, YouTube and the website.

DBM: Thank you!

J4: My pleasure.

DBM: Please tell me a little about yourself

J4: I am a 35-year-old Investment Banking and Risk Management professional, single and loving it; very ambitious. I decide what I want to do and then just do it; I love to read, drink good wine; I love to have sex with older men; I’m grateful for the little and big things, and I love money.

DBM: Why particularly older men?

J4: Dave, only a few things get better with age: wine and men

DBM: I see.

J4: Yeaazz! They’re old-school in style, and have got a few experiences under their belts already

DBM: I’m trying to figure out what kind of questions to ask you. Lol!

J4: Feel free

DBM: You seem to have a good day job, why are you into the escort business?

J4: I have two-day jobs. Let me talk about the second job

DBM: Okay

J4: My first boyfriend was about 35 years older than me. I was 19 when I had my first sexual experience, and I remember he approached sex in a playful way with me. I enjoyed how fun sex could be, and decided to be more open and vulnerable with my sexuality.

DBM: Was he married?

J4: Yes!

DBM: What did you want to become when you were young?

J4: I wanted to become a lawyer, but after being in a two-year relationship with my second boyfriend, I wanted to go into investment banking and sex work.

DBM: Sex work is prostitution, no?

J4: That was what I wanted to do initially, till I realized there were ways to make it more appealing – while appreciating the energy of flirtation that comes with it.

DBM: Why did your first relationship end?

J4: He was a player. I wasn’t his only chick.

DBM: You couldn’t have been his only chick, he had a wife

J4: And numerous girlfriends

DBM: How about the second relationship?

J4: Paul was within my age bracket. I thought because I had tried old school and had been let down, why not give the similar age a chance? Also, Lydia was my school mate, and she used to tell me there is the higher likelihood of maintaining a successful relationship with a boy of my own age.

DBM: I see

J4: It didn’t work out because 1: he was broke as fuck; 2: he couldn’t keep it in his pants for just one girl. I weighed the two generations of men I had been with, and decided I’d be better off with a mature man with swag and strong financial footing.

DBM: I see

J4: That’s balanced diet.

DBM: Have you been in any serious relationship since then?

J4: Nope! And it’s not a problem for me because I want to be with men that I have different interests with. It’s always fresh and stimulating that way

DBM: Don’t you sometimes feel alone?

J4: It’s a human experience to be feeling alone from time to time. It doesn’t mean I’m a loser. My clients are mostly married men in a house full of people, but they keep telling me, they feel alone.

DBM: They do?

J4: Yes! They feel like no one in their household understands them.

DBM: What does that mean?

J4: I wouldn’t know, ask your gender.

DBM: How do you deal with your version of aloneness?

J4: I think of creative sexual outlets to boost my mood and metabolism. It helps me to live in the moment.

DBM: Let’s talk about sex

J4: Ah, good! I was wondering when you would come to that.

DBM: Lol!

J4: It’s not funny. That’s why we are here, anaa?

DBM: How do you meet the kind of men you deal with?

J4: They find us

DBM: How? There are a million and one girls on these streets

J4: Dave, I have two jobs, remember? It’s intertwined.

DBM: Oh, my!

J4: I knew you weren’t thinking.

DBM: Lol!

J4: My day-job 1 deals professionally with clients from all sectors: Technology, Manufacturing, Investment, Production, Finance, Science, Retail, Construction, Agriculture, Mining, Healthcare, Energy, Industry, Infrastructure, Trade, Sports, Telecommunications, Hospitality industry, Media, Small business etc.

DBM: What’s the catch here? Lol!

J4: I was not born with silver spoons in my mouth, that’s why I took my education seriously. I may be intelligent, but I am focused. I have determination, I have vision, I have purpose and confidence in my vagina. It’s a beautiful thing, Dave.

DBM: Who was your first client in the second job?

J4: He owns real estate properties.

DBM: You’re still in touch with him?

J4: Yeaazz

DBM: Hehehehe!

J4: He banks with my former employers. He came to the bank one day and my boss needed me to explain some things to him. I did my job and he left a happy man. 45 minutes or less later, one of the security guys in the facility brought me a book. Each page had a 1 dollar note stashed in. It was a 204 paged book. The last page had his phone number and a thank you message. I did not call him. Two weeks later, I got another book, 227 paged. Each stashed with a 1 dollar note. The last page had his phone number again, but this time with the message: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

DBM: What did you want at that time?

J4: I needed a sponsor for my MSc in Investment and Financial Risk Management at Kingston University

DBM: So, what did you do?

J4: I put it across and he was willing to fund my education

DBM: At what cost?

J4: For my time. He is still responsible for some of my all-time best orgasms, 12 at a go.

DBM: Hmmm!

J4: You cannot even imagine it. He has this almost perfect 7 inches curved schlong, that hits my G-Spot with every thrust.

DBM: That’s really something to work with

J4: Oh, yeaazz!

DBM: Why do you think he keeps coming back?

J4: Imagine you, David with his kind of demanding job, and meeting with me for the first time. And in the room with me, you’re still on the phone doing business with clients. I unzip you, and put your shaft in my mouth, blowing you off softly.

DBM: While on the phone with clients?

J4: Yeaazz, Dave, yeaazz!

DBM: Why do you do this second job?

J4: I love to be around men who want to be around me. When we’re together, they talk, share ideas; I listen and learn. In my presence, their minds are entranced by thoughts of finding opportunities within me to feel happy and surprised. Also, the men I meet are hardworking and expect to be enticed by the pleasures of a sexual recompence at the end of a long day.

DBM: So, it’s not about money?

J4: It’s about work and happiness. I work more, I earn more. My second job has given me opportunities that I would never have seen working just the first job.

DBM: Is marriage something of interest to you?

J4: I think of it, but I am not sure I’m built for it.

DBM: Why do you say that?

J4: Marriage hasn’t been on my 10, 15, or even 20-year plan, and Dave, it’s very okay with me. If I want to commit to someone someday, it’s going to be a personal journey to be taken by me and that person. I am not expecting any third party to define what that should look like for my connection.

DBM: Do you use protection when you’re with these guys?

J4: Always.

DBM: How often do you meet with your girlfriends?

J4: We meet once a month to catch up. We also have a SUSU we contribute to for rainy days. We’ve been doing this for almost 20 years. We don’t take loans from outside; we take from our joint savings to do personal projects.

DBM: Lydia mentioned her husband doesn’t approve of you girls. What do you make of that?

J4: We’ve utilized our friendship when we needed it the most, and it has helped us to navigate some of life’s murky waters. That’s why we’re still close.

DBM: Most of your clients are married men, and they talk to you openly. What can you say to married women?

J4: Men want to be desired by you, and giving them a sexual release is what makes them sometimes feel like they’re actually home. Your husband’s drive to want to be intimate with you, often is his route towards loving you. As a wife, you want the emotional connection first, good! Your husband also wants the physical connection in order to feel safe enough for the expressive vulnerability journey you want him to partake with you. Something has got to give.

Image Credit: Jess Loiterton

 

Let’s Talk To Ayitey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 26 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 29: Ayitey

DBM: Hey Ayi! Please tell me a little about yourself

Ayitey: I am an unhappy husband, often depressed due to the uncertainties of the state of my marriage at the moment.

DBM: What’s happening to your marriage?

Ayitey: My wife is battling with cancer, and I am finding it hard to cope. Seeing her in pain sometimes makes me wish I were single

DBM: Is she on treatment?

Ayitey: She is, but the nausea, exhaustion and bloating are heart wrenching to watch. I feel powerless when I am unable to help someone I care about. She’s really suffering, and I dread seeing her every day.

DBM: I am sorry about that

Ayitey: She’s not the same woman I used to love. She’s not attractive to me.

DBM: Mastectomy, I know leads to body-image concerns. I have a friend whose breast was removed.

Ayitey: My wife looks miserable and there is nothing I can do to make her feel alright. Emotionally, I am suffering; physically, I am suffering

DBM: She’s enduring same, if not more.

Ayitey: I know, and it breaks my heart to say this but I feel like I didn’t sign up for this.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ayitey: 10 years

DBM: And how was the years prior to the cancer?

Ayitey: It was great. We had a lot of fun. We laughed a lot. We were a happy family

DBM: Do you still love your wife?

Ayitey: I don’t know, Dave. I don’t know how I feel about all this

DBM: How do you feel about her now?

Ayitey: I just want to be single. I am with someone I don’t know how to help

DBM: You know she knows that you cannot fix or make her feel better, right?

Ayitey: I don’t know

DBM: Is she able to talk about what she’s going through with you?

Ayitey: Not so much

DBM: Why is that?

Ayitey: Because it will make me feel bad, so I’d rather avoid the conversation.

DBM: If I am to put myself in your wife’s shoes, I know I would want my spouse to make me feel heard. I would want to discuss my pain with you; I would want to freely express all of my emotions with no one else but you – and I would appreciate a partner who would acknowledge all these things I would be going through.

Ayitey: You’re always on the side of the ladies, I’m not surprised

DBM: It’s not about taking sides

Ayitey: Dave, I don’t know what my wife wants

DBM: Have you asked her what she wants from you?

Ayitey: Is it even important? She’s not well

DBM: Again, in your wife’s shoes: I would want my partner to comfort me with their loving presence, without any form of judgement.

Ayitey: It’s not as easy as you think

DBM: Simplify it for me then?

Ayitey: I am unable to have sex with her

DBM: For how long now?

Ayitey: It’s been over a year. The last time I had sex with my wife was in January, 2022

DBM: When was the last time you had sex?

Ayitey: Dave, we’re not discussing me. Let’s talk about my wife

DBM: You brought the subject of sex, which I’m presuming is important to you?

Ayitey: It is

DBM: When did you last have sex with anyone?

Ayitey: On Sunday

DBM: Before Sunday, had you been intimate with anyone?

Ayitey: Yes!

DBM: When?

Ayitey: Lol! Saturday

DBM: Before the Saturday, had you been with someone else?

Ayitey: Why all these questions?

DBM: I want to understand how active you’ve been sexually, that’s all.

Ayitey: Thursday

DBM: With whom?

Ayitey: I don’t want to talk about it.

DBM: But is it with the same person?

Ayitey: I don’t want to talk about it.

DBM: I will respect that.

Ayitey: Okay!

DBM: Have you thought creatively into finding other ways to achieve intimacy with your wife?

Ayitey: Everything is a pain with her. I don’t want to inconvenience her

DBM: Have you tried listening to cool music together, while touching and kissing her gently?

Ayitey: It’s not worth it, trust me

DBM: Do you know how to love your wife?

Ayitey: Dave, I’ve tried everything

DBM: Everything like what?

Ayitey: David, do you know why I am chatting with you?

DBM: Tell me

Ayitey: I am with another woman who is filling in the space. I did not expect this, but I am in love with her. She’s also pregnant with my child.

DBM: Does she love you?

Ayitey: I think so.

DBM: She knows about your wife’s condition?

Ayitey: She does

DBM: What does she say about it?

Ayitey: We don’t discuss it

DBM: When was the last time you held your wife’s hand meaningfully? When was the last time you were not afraid to look straight in her eyes to assure her that you are not intimidated by the disease? When was the last time you found value in remaining present in her struggle, assuring her you’re a witness to what is happening to her and your relationship, and that, you love her regardless?

Ayitey: I don’t love my wife. I like her, but I don’t think it’s love.

DBM: This realization came to you, before or after the sickness?

Ayitey: Before. Cancer only took my mask off.

DBM: Why did you marry her?

Ayitey: I don’t know. Maybe because she was beautiful and physically attractive.

DBM: Was?

Ayitey: Am I a bad person?

DBM: Are you a bad person?

Ayitey: I don’t think so.

DBM: Okay! Anything else you’d want us to talk about?

Ayitey: I just wanted someone to talk to.

DBM: Do you feel better now?

Ayitey: I don’t know what to do

DBM: You have children with your wife?

Ayitey: I do.

DBM: How old are they?

Ayitey: 9 and 7

DBM: Have you both explained what their mother is going through to them?

Ayitey: They’re too young to understand.

DBM: At their age, they get it. They see what is happening. There are age-appropriate ways to explain cancer.

Ayitey: I am dealing with so much already. I can’t add another type of stress to my stress.

DBM: Being secretive about her diagnosis doesn’t solve anything

Ayitey: They will be fine

DBM: Are they eating home-cooked meals?

Ayitey: Yes, we have a house help.

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Nicola Barts

Let’s Talk To Ginger

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 13 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 28: Ginger

DBM: Hehehehe! Why that name?

Ginger: I am punchy and fragrant, warming and spicy, and absolutely fresh

DBM: You’re funny. Lol!

Ginger: I help to make meat softer by breaking down its proteins.

DBM: Okay! But on a serious note, I unquestionably adore ginger when I cook with it.

Ginger: I know you cook. I have seen some of the pictures you post on Facebook when you cook at home. Are you rich?

DBM: I am not rich, yet

Ginger: But you have money?

DBM: I don’t at the moment.

Ginger: Are you married?

DBM: No, I am not.

Ginger: Would you want to cum extremely intensely within 60 seconds?

DBM: No, thank you.

Ginger: Ugh! Dave you’re so boring.

DBM: Why do you think that?

Ginger: You asked Lydia to speak to one of us, I volunteered. You need to let me set the balls rolling.

DBM: Hehehehe! You’re a hot mess

Ginger: Allow me to mess with you a bit. Let me jerk you off, while I suck at the base of your dick; the upper part of your balls I mean… Yeah, right there, on that urethra. Do you feel something?

DBM: I want to know a bit about you.

Ginger: Dave, I’m showing you a bit about me. Let me use my hand on the shaft of your dick, as I use my mouth on the head, rotating my tongue and mouth around it, and over it to stimulate you fully.

DBM: Please tell me a little about yourself.

Ginger: Smh! I hold an MA in English Literary Studies from the University of York; I am 36-ish years old, a single-mother of a 5-year-old child; I have a preference for nonmonogamy attachments, I am level-headed and fun to be with.

DBM: Why do you prefer a non-monogamy relationship?

Ginger: I am more career-oriented. Any form of long-term committed relationship can take up a lot of my time and attention, and I am just not interested in dividing my energy between my work and romance.

DBM: Is marriage on the table some day in the future?

Ginger: No, not interested. I would rather prefer polyamory or simply an open relationship. I’d rather opt for the type with room for consensual engagement in sexual/emotional involvement with more than one person. Unfortunately, marriage doesn’t allow that.

DBM: I see

Ginger: The complicated nature of my work also makes marriage unappealing to me.

DBM: What kind of work do you do?

Ginger: I met a guy 16 years ago. Very handsome with a good sense of humor. We became friends and I think I fell in love with him. I told him about my feelings and he didn’t want to see me again. He had also formed an emotional attachment with me but didn’t want to pursue it because he didn’t want to mess things up with his wife, whom he loved dearly. I found out he was a married man that day, because he didn’t wear a ring. I asked him what he wanted from me, and he said just to spend time with me to talk. He wanted me to be giving him my attention and sex; good sex with no strings attached.

DBM: Was he the first man you fell in love with?

Ginger: No! I was in a two-year relationship with the first guy I had fallen in love with.

DBM: You took this other guy’s offer?

Ginger: I did, because I liked him a lot. Also, he was willing to pay me money for each encounter. I wasn’t the least upset. I was basically going to be selling my time, attention and entertainment.

DBM: What goes into the entertainment?

Ginger: It entails sexual services most of the time to my clients

DBM: How different is this from prostitution?

Ginger: Very different. Prostitutes are all about providing sexual services in exchange for money. I provide far in value to my clients.

DBM: What made things end between you and your first love?

Ginger: I suggested the opportunity to him. We were struggling then, you know, students with no jobs etc. He wasn’t in agreement, but I wanted to do it because I liked the other man. After my first sex with the married one, I told my boyfriend what I had done, and he broke up with me.

DBM: Do you know where he is now?

Ginger: He is doing very well for himself.

DBM: Is he married, with kids, etc.?

Ginger: Yes.

DBM: When last did you speak with him?

Ginger: Five days ago.

DBM: What did you talk about?

Ginger: He’s one of my clients.

DBM: He pays money for the services you provide him?

Ginger: Yes.

DBM: The same one against you being with a married man?

Ginger: I think the devil he knows is better than someone else he doesn’t know.

DBM: How does this make you feel?

Ginger: Dave, it’s strictly business and friendship. Nothing more than that. He’s a business man and would pay for dinner and traveling dates with me.

DBM: What is your charge?

Ginger: I provide hourly services, and I have more control over the kind of service I provide to my clients. There are clearly outlined terms and conditions.

DBM: Are you affordable?

Ginger: I am not affordable to the ordinary Ghanaian.

DBM: I hear there are five of you friends. What makes a great escort?

Ginger: You don’t need to be a thin fashion model. Beautiful, yes! You have to also have the right figure and stay in good shape. Most of my clients choose me because I am not a reflection of what they have at home.

DBM: Their wives, you mean?

Ginger: Yes! You have to also be extremely intelligent and very educated to attract a certain type of clientele. Communication with clients is everything. I am my own escort business, and I am proud of it.

DBM: Share one of your best experiences with a client with me.

Ginger: Oh, a woman booked me for her husband’s 50th birthday. She wanted me to provide him a massage, foreplay, good sex and a fair bit of conversation to commemorate his day.

DBM: Oh my!

Ginger: They’re actually one of my favorite clients. I’ve been booked by her for the past six years, on the 11th of June.

DBM: Is she present when you’re with her husband?

Ginger: She’s been present on three occasions to watch what I do to him.

DBM: At home?

Ginger: No! She always books a hotel suite.

DBM: How is your relationship with this particular man?

Ginger: There is no relationship. I don’t have his contact. I just know his name.

DBM: Did he ask for your number so he could order your services privately?

Ginger: No! He’s never requested for a one-on-one with me before. But he tells me whenever we meet that, he’s always looking forward to seeing me on his birthdays.

DBM: I see.

Ginger: My business is strictly with the wife.

DBM: And, has she ever wondered whether or not you two have been secretly meeting?

Ginger: She’s not had that conversation with me.

DBM: Why do you think is that?

Ginger: She trusts her husband.

DBM: You think the guy is a good guy?

Ginger: He is a good guy. He was very shy on our first meeting. I think he loves his wife.

DBM: And, you’ve not been tempted to go the extra mile with him on separate days?

Ginger: I’m not going to lie; he gives me good sex. But no! He tips on top of the hourly rates his wife pays me on his birthdays.

DBM: How much did his wife pay you on June 11th, 2022?

Ginger: $2500

DBM: How much did he tip you?

Ginger: $500

DBM: For just one night?

Ginger: 8 pm to 5:30 am.

DBM: Who is the father of your child?

Ginger: A guy I used to date. We met in London.

DBM: A client?

Ginger: It started as a client. We developed feelings and I got pregnant.

DBM: Are you still together?

Ginger: No! He wanted me to abort. I wasn’t sure about abortion.

DBM: Does he take care of his child?

Ginger: He’s a responsible man. They’re both in London, spending the holidays together

DBM: Your friend SL talked about how her husband feels about you.

Ginger: We know how he feels about us.

DBM: How does that make you feel?

Ginger: Our friendship with Lydia goes beyond how her husband feels. We’re a group of friends who have supported each other through school, and have been there for one another, no matter what. We don’t judge, we don’t put each other down or deliberately hurt our feelings; we respect one another; enjoy each other’s company; we are loyal and can trust each other; we laugh and stick around when times are hard for any of us; we comfort when one cries, and smile together. We broke this new year as old friends… And maybe, would make new friends as time goes on. But the five of us have an opportunity to share memories from our past years, while sharing our hopes, dreams and plans for 2023.

DBM: What percentage of your clientele are married?

Ginger: 98% of the guys are.

DBM: What do you think wives aren’t doing to keep their men focused on only them?

Ginger: Guys will be who they want to be. You can’t please them. I think unmarried girls should rather understand the types of men they plan dealing with before deciding on taking the marriage route. Else, you will do everything for a man, but if he is not the right guy to respect his relationship and commitment to you, would end up pouring your all into someone with no plans of returning the same energy and effort. Their false sense of security leads them into looking for people like us. Unfortunately, most men are just not trustworthy.

DBM: How would you describe yourself?

Ginger: I am a happy woman with a child.

DBM: Can you get one of your other friends to chat with me?

Ginger: For sure.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Barbara Olsen

Let’s Talk To SL

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 27: Sister Lydia or SL

DBM: Hello SL. Please tell me a little about yourself.

SL: Wife. Mother. Sister. Friend. Software Engineering Manager

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

SL: Are you a counselor, David?

DBM: No please, I am not.

SL: Why do you want us to talk to you?

DBM: I’ve always wanted to host a platform where people with something to say could openly, and fully speak their thoughts, without me interrupting. I think I am easy to talk to – when I am in a good mood, and can listen without necessarily judging. Also, I want people to feel heard and understood. I find value in every conversation I have with people.

SL: I’ve been a silent follower of your Facebook platform for years. I like the different conversations on your website. I want to talk to you because I think you’re a wonderful person, kind, un-judging and welcoming.

DBM: Thank you!

SL: My husband thinks my best friends may lead me astray.

DBM: Is he right?

SL: No!

DBM: So, why is he thinking that about them?

SL: Because they’re not married and they live a certain type of life.

DBM: What’s their lifestyle like?

SL: They roll with the big shots and they get paid for their time and services. They sometimes smoke, drink and live large.

DBM: What type of service do they provide?

SL: Men with class make offers to pay them money to keep them entertained. They’re basically compensated for their time and energy.

DBM: How old are you?

SL: I am in my thirties

DBM: Your friends are in that age bracket?

SL: Yes!

DBM: How long have you known them?

SL: 20+ years

DBM: How long have you known your husband?

SL: Almost 10 years.

DBM: Why do you still keep your friends close?

SL: Dave, I am my best self when we’re together.

DBM: Do you smoke?

SL: I used to

DBM: Why did you stop?

SL: My husband didn’t like it.

DBM: Do you drink?

SL: Occasionally.

DBM: Like, when you’re with your friends?

SL: Yes! And at parties or functions

DBM: Did you used to be an escort?

SL: Lol! I wouldn’t know how to answer this question.

DBM: Just try

SL: I am a career woman as already indicated, and have been working for 11 years. But prior to getting married, I used to get paid thousands of Cedis, and sometimes, in Dollars a month for regular sex.

DBM: And, your husband knows about this past?

SL: No! And I don’t think it’s any of his business.

DBM: Agreed! How would you describe your friends and their way of living?

SL: Grown women enjoying their freedoms. They want more options. They want more money. They want to do whatever the hell they want, on their own terms.

DBM: Do you think your friends have the power to be a bad influence on you?

SL: I don’t think so. I’m a grown-ass woman with a mind of my own.

DBM: Do you think your husband’s concerns are valid?

SL: I have known these ladies longer than I’ve known my husband. They know me, I know them; we trust our bond, and hold dear our friendship. We’ve been through a lot together and have built memories that we cherish. They’re more than just friends, they’re my sisters. They’ve been my greatest support system to just let go like that.

DBM: Have you tried explaining all this to your husband?

SL: Yes, but he insists I choose between our family and them.

DBM: Have you also considered the probability of a bad influence, masked behind wonderful friendships or intensely loving relationships?

SL: My friends are good people. They’ve contributed money to support my family during a hard time in our marriage.

DBM: Your husband knows this?

SL: No! His pride wouldn’t have allowed him to take the help, if he knew it came from them.

DBM: Are you immune to the personalities of your friends?

SL: I don’t think so. No one is as perfect

DBM: Evaluate their behaviors and actions

SL: They’re loyal, hardworking; they’ve helped me in ways that I did not think could be possible; they can be humorous and down to earth; well-rounded bitches, strong-willed, independent, sexy, bold and very kind.

DBM: How many friends are they?

SL: They’re four. I am the fifth.

DBM: Do they like the fact that you are married and have a family of your own?

SL: They love my children and are happy for me and my marriage.

DBM: They like your husband?

SL: Very much, but he talks bad about them in their absence.

DBM: Do your friends talk bad about your husband?

SL: No!

DBM: Which of the two damage your self-confidence, leaving you to sometimes feel emotionally drained?

SL: My husband.

DBM: Which of them has the tendency of stirring up negativity in your presence?

SL: My husband.

DBM: Which of them make you feel the most invigorated, happiest, healthiest, inspired, motivated and innovative?

SL: My friends. No doubt about this one.

DBM: Which of them would you classify as fake?

SL: Explain the fakeness

DBM: As in, they act one way when they’re in your face, and another when not in your presence?

SL: My husband is the fakest.

DBM: Which of them is clingy, and wants you to only hang out with them – giving you unreasonable ultimatums?

SL: My husband

DBM: Which of them acts like a jealous imp?

SL: My husband

DBM: Which of them show up with love only at moments when they can benefit from having you as a friend?

SL: My husband. I sometimes think he’s an opportunist, though he makes his own money.

DBM: Is there any good at all to your husband?

SL: Why do you ask?

DBM: From the responses you’ve given, I cannot think far

SL: I love my husband. I am just sick and tired of his tantrums.

DBM: Would you choose your friends over your husband?

SL: If I am to compare my relationship with both, I would say my friends are the best company to keep.

DBM: Can you ask any one of your girl friends to grant me an exclusive interview into their daily lives and line of work? I feel like engaging one of them.

SL: That will be fine. We all follow you on Facebook.

DBM: I would appreciate that.

Image Credit: Idy Tanndy

Let’s Talk To Gyaaba

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 26: Gyaaba

DBM: Hello Gyaaba. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Gyaaba: I am 39 years, very independent, organized and detailed; I love to multi-task and I show concern for other people’s feelings, and can connect with them on a personal level. I see myself to be strong, and can easily adapt. I am able to also persevere when obstacles come my way. I believe I belong to God, thus, my resilience and conviction to rather stand firm, come what may.

DBM: You look way younger than your age.

Gyaaba: I am told. Thank you!

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Gyaaba: I currently live in Houston, but I used to live in Ghana. I used to be married. I ran away from my matrimonial home, five months after our wedding because I realized I had made a mistake – settling into something I did not want.

DBM: You didn’t want to be married?

Gyaaba: I like marriage, but I didn’t want to be married to a man.

DBM: Who did you want to be with?

Gyaaba: A woman.

DBM: You’re a lesbian?

Gyaaba: Yes Dave, I am Lez.

DBM: Hmmm! You know most people in Ghana are uncomfortable with this subject

Gyaaba: Is your readership centered in Ghana?

DBM: No!

Gyaaba: Then I deserve to share what has been my experience.

DBM: Lez go! How did you know you were attracted to the same sex?

Gyaaba: I don’t think I really knew. But in Senior High School, I used to like one of my best friends. I couldn’t stop staring at her anytime we were in class. I thought she looked pretty in everything she wore. Anything she did looked interesting to me. She wasn’t even funny but I thought she had a great sense of humor. I felt heartbroken however, when one of the guys in our class started to get close to her.

DBM: So, you had a crush on a girl, and that was it?

Gyaaba: I attended a mixed school, and in those days, the guys were obsessed with the girls, chasing each other down everywhere, writing themselves love letters, etc.

DBM: Yeah…

Gyaaba: I wanted to write a love letter to a girl.

DBM: I see

Gyaaba: At the university, I tried liking boys

DBM: And how did that go?

Gyaaba: Robert was my first boyfriend. He loved me but I couldn’t feel the same way he felt for me. We dated for three months, and in those months, I would have sex with women in my dreams.

DBM: Did the thought of Robert ever make you feel aroused?

Gyaaba: No!

DBM: Having sex with a woman in your dreams doesn’t necessarily make you a lesbian.

Gyaaba: That was when I started doing a self-reflection. I wanted to understand who I was and what I desired. Timothy asked me out in my third year, and before I knew, he had started to bond. I suddenly became busy with my studies and couldn’t make time for him.

DBM: Were you busy?

Gyaaba: I was trying to avoid him because he tried to kiss me one evening.

DBM: Did you kiss back?

Gyaaba: I was just pale when he planted the kiss on my lips.

DBM: What was the feeling like?

Gyaaba: Nothing I wanted to experience for the second time. I came up with an excuse of tiredness and left him to go sleep. I was disgusted by the idea of doing anything romantic with a guy.

DBM: When did you have your first sex?

Gyaaba: On my honeymoon

DBM: With a man?

Gyaaba: Yes. I was married. I think I am still married, because he’s refused to grant me a divorce after leaving him.

DBM: How long ago since you left?

Gyaaba: I left Ghana in 2011

DBM: This is the five months into your marriage scenario?

Gyaaba: Yes!

DBM: Why did you marry your husband?

Gyaaba: It was revealed to my Pastor that he was the man destined for me.

DBM: Did your Pastor know about your sexual orientation?

Gyaaba: His wife knew. I had confided in her three years prior to the hook-up. I don’t know if she discussed me with her husband.

DBM: Did you believe your husband was the man meant for you?

Gyaaba: I did not, but I went ahead in order for the prophesy to manifest.

DBM: How long did you and your husband date?

Gyaaba: Nine months, I think. We got engaged, and married four months after the engagement.

DBM: Did you enjoy getting to know him as a potential spouse?

Gyaaba: My husband is a great guy; tall, dark, handsome, and with a good job and deep pocket. He is authentic; what you see is what you get. Unfortunately, I realized the way he felt about me was totally different from the way I felt about him. I should have considered his feelings and not gone ahead with the marriage plans. I was not attracted to him.

DBM: When was the last time you spoke to him?

Gyaaba: 2013

DBM: What did you talk about?

Gyaaba: I wanted a divorce.

DBM: That was unfair on your part

Gyaaba: I know. That is why I want to come clean to him

DBM: Does he know why you left?

Gyaaba: I left to pursue a PhD programme. That was my initial excuse. But after the degree, I stayed in America.

DBM: Why did you stay?

Gyaaba: I found the close emotional bond I had been craving for

DBM: In a woman?

Gyaaba: Yes! Once I knew I enjoyed kissing and touching the breast of a woman while going down on her, I had to admit it to myself.

DBM: You’re a Lesbian.

Gyaaba: I am a lesbian!

DBM: How long have you been dating your lady?

Gyaaba: Seven and a half years

DBM: And she’s been the only one in your life?

Gyaaba: One and only

DBM: Who else knows?

Gyaaba: My Pastor’s wife was the only person I told in Ghana. I want to tell my husband the truth.

DBM: Why now?

Gyaaba: He deserves the truth. Secondly, my partner and I want to get married. I have to be divorced to accomplish this.

DBM: Do you know whether or not your husband was able to move on?

Gyaaba: He’s had two kids with someone in my absence. He has moved on.

DBM: Unfortunately, not everyone in Ghana is supportive of the LGBTQ+ community. Is your husband a tolerable environment to come out to?

Gyaaba: I don’t know

DBM: Is he someone you can rely on?

Gyaaba: In which sense?

DBM: How you come out to someone really depends on the kind of relationship you have with them.

Gyaaba: We’ve not spoken in a long time, and our last conversation ended in a fight on the phone.

DBM: I see!

Gyaaba: I know that the moment I tell him this, he will laugh at, or insult me; he will tell his family, mine and friends.

DBM: It’s good you’ve come out to yourself first. I think that is the most important thing.

Gyaaba: I hope so

DBM: Do you love your lady?

Gyaaba: Dave, before I even met her, I dreamt of someone like her; and the dream was beautiful. When she showed up to me, I was least expecting this much happiness in my life. Now I know dreams do come true. I am very much in love and happy to be with her.

DBM: Does she love you as much?

Gyaaba: She loves me very much.

DBM: Then, know that you are loved, needed and valued; your feelings for true love are valid, just as anyone else’s – and that you deserve to be treated with respect. Assuming anyone attempts to make you feel guilty or bad about who you know you are, and whose you belong, just remind yourself of the one person in your life right now who desires to see you become the very best of you, and succeed in whatever beautiful present and future affirms you. Let this foresight make you feel so seen. All you need at the moment is an audience of ONE!

Gyaaba: I think I am going to call my husband right now.

DBM: All the very best.

Gyaaba: Thank you, Sir!

Image Credit: Anna Shvets

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