Let’s Talk To Maame Yaa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 22: My name is Maame Yaa

DBM: Hello Maame Yaa. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Maame Yaa: I am a young woman of faith, with Jesus in my heart. I try to inspire change, lift those around me up, do good and have respect for people. I am a medical doctor by profession, and 32 years of age.

DBM: Want do you want to talk about?

Maame Yaa: My boyfriend is insisting we have sex before marriage. I want to have sex on my wedding night.

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Maame Yaa: We will be three years in February, 2023.

DBM: And has he discussed his plans concerning a future together with you in marriage?

Maame Yaa: Yes, he has.

DBM: When is that going to happen?

Maame Yaa: We’ve not decided on the date.

DBM: Would it be in 2023?

Maame Yaa: I don’t know.

DBM: So, you’re not certain whether or not he is going to marry you any time soon?

Maame Yaa: Yes!

DBM: Are you a virgin?

Maame Yaa: No, I am not.

DBM: Is your boyfriend the one who broke your virginity?

Maame Yaa: No! He is the third guy I have dated.

DBM: You had sex with the first two?

Maame Yaa: Yes!

DBM: Why do you want sex with him on your wedding night?

Maame Yaa: I want to feel in control of my own choices with regards to my body and sexual intimacy. I want to pursue celibacy until I am joined together in holy matrimony to the man who will put a ring on my finger.

DBM: I am assuming your boyfriend is also thinking if he does not explore your sexual flanks, you both may not be able to grow naturally to develop into it. Sexual compatibility, attraction and identity are important things to figure out before marriage.

Maame Yaa: I believe that one’s character is built through waiting. Patience is developed in waiting; faithfulness can also be developed while we wait to have sex after our wedding. I want to be sure we are in love with each other without the complications of any emotional entanglement. If we are each other’s real deal, we will make do regardless.

DBM: Does he know what you like sexually?

Maame Yaa: I have told him mine.

DBM: Do you know what turns him on?

Maame Yaa: He’s spoken about a few.

DBM: So, theoretically, you’re both in the known?

Maame Yaa: Practical examination should be on our wedding night.

DBM: And what if one partner fails the final exam?

Maame Yaa: It wouldn’t be a final exam. We will re-write the paper till we pass.

DBM: Many guys are using their married lives to deal with sex issues, instead of actually enjoying the beauty in marriage. What if you’re not content with what he offers in bed?

Maame Yaa: Marriage, they say is not all about sex.

DBM: I see the quality of a relationship strongly related to sexual satisfaction.

Maame Yaa: I see the quality of a relationship strongly related to the God-factor.

DBM: When was the last time you felt desired, got aroused and ‘wet’; when last did you reach orgasm and did not feel pain?

Maame Yaa: I don’t remember. Maybe, in my past relationships.

DBM: Do you care about what your boyfriend cares about?

Maame Yaa: I do, and I try to be there for him.

DBM: He wants a blow-job, have you given him that?

Maame Yaa: I will give him a blowjob after our wedding.

DBM: Will you be okay if he gets the sex from somewhere else while dedicating all his love to you?

Maame Yaa: I will not be able to cope with infidelity.

DBM: There is no guarantee he is going to be faithful to only you after marriage.

Maame Yaa: If that happens, we will divorce.

DBM: Which is more important to you: your relationship to your faith or that relationship you are building with him?

Maame Yaa: I am holding firm to the beliefs that God has placed deeply in my heart, and I am taking a stand for them – to ensure I know exactly why God stands for them too.

DBM: That’s commendable.

Maame Yaa: Dave, please be honest with me: am I making a mistake with my stance?

DBM: We are all different; what may be important to your boyfriend may not be all that important to you. Again, it all comes down to your strong personal beliefs, your boyfriend’s physical desires and the overall nature of your relationship.

Maame Yaa: I think we have a good relationship.

DBM: That’s good to know. So basically, it’s because you are unmarried, and the fact that, you want to abstain from sex before marriage, no?

Maame Yaa: Yes.

DBM: You are not living with an underlying medical condition, are you?

Maame Yaa: No, I am not.

DBM: And, you do not have a low sex drive, do you?

Maame Yaa: I love sex.

DBM: Good, good… good! You love and value your boyfriend?

Maame Yaa: I do.

DBM: Then know that, him requesting for sex with you could have been an opportunity for him to bond with you on another level; It could have been another opportunity for him to express his love and affection towards you; he probably might have felt more secure in the relationship if you both had been engaging in sex often. It could have also been an opportunity for you both to appreciate the pleasure and fun in the relationship.

Maame Yaa: Do you suggest I give in?

DBM: I am suggesting you marry a man who sees, appreciates and values your self-worth. Do not go to different lengths just for your boyfriend to achieve his sexual goals. That said, make the most out of your love life while sticking to the opinion you have of yourself. I think you’re a wonderful young woman.

Maame Yaa: Thank you, Mr. Dave. I am a fan of your Facebook platform.

DBM: Appreciated!

Image Credit: Fillipe Gomes

Let’s Talk To Mercy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 21: Call me Mercy

DBM: Hey, Mercy! Please tell me a little about yourself.

Mercy: I’m married, and a mother.

DBM: Okay! Any other thing about you?

Mercy: I am a career woman, and not afraid to push boundaries set before me. Dave, I have a question.

DBM: Please ask

Mercy: I am not good at writing and expressing myself with words. Will you be correcting my grammatical errors before publishing it on your website?

DBM: Yes please. I proofread and edit all the conversations, and would even rephrase sentences that aren’t clear to suit my house-style. You are in good hands.

Mercy: Thank you!

DBM: You’re welcome! What do you want to talk about?

Mercy: I’m just curious Dave, but what do men want?

DBM: I may never know myself

Mercy: The BS my husband is putting me through emotionally eh

DBM: Mercy, the art of bullshit is how most men get through with their day.

Mercy: I almost poisoned my husband’s food for the second time this year.

DBM: That is to the extreme.

Mercy: His actions are forcing me to hurt him.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Mercy: I don’t want to say

DBM: Why not?

Mercy: It might give me away, assuming he gets to see this online.

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Mercy: Yes, I love him.

DBM: Getting hurt by the people we love is inevitable.

Mercy: This is something I can’t forgive

DBM: Why would you want to hurt someone you love?

Mercy: Because he is hurting me too.

DBM: Marriage takes a lot of work. It’s hard; it’s a job and you’ve got to work at it every day.

Mercy: I do my part

DBM: What is he doing to hurt you?

Mercy: He is having an affair. Infidelity is the nail in the coffin for me.

DBM: You have proof of this?

Mercy: I wasn’t immediately suspicious. We were having dinner at home, and I realized he had become so alert as to which WhatsApp message to respond to. It was written all over his face though he was trying to play cool. But something kept nagging at the back of my brain to not let my suspicion go. I paid one driver I am cool with for a week to trail my husband. He had gone to meet the same lady three times that week.

DBM: I am sorry.

Mercy: I feel so angry and hurt.

DBM: Do you know how long the affair has lasted?

Mercy: It is still ongoing. I don’t know when it started.

DBM: Have you confronted him about it?

Mercy: He’s going to lie anyways, so what’s the point?

DBM: You mentioned ‘almost’ poisoning him. What made you stop?

Mercy: My kids always came to the kitchen to ask when their father would be home from work. That is what usually gets me emotional and stops me. Because they need their father. So, I would throw away the contaminated meal, and dish a new one.

DBM: Children need their father.

Mercy: I know! It’s like, he has pushed the responsibly of raising our children solely to me. He just pays fees and bills, and provides money. He gets mad very quickly when the children are trying to play around him. He screams at them, ignores them, but has time to be chatting with the other woman. He has time to make plans with another woman.

DBM: People can make poor choices at times, you know?

Mercy: That is no excuse, Dave. At his age, does he need a reminder to prioritize his family?

DBM: It’s your husband’s duty towards you and the family, to share all the responsibilities.

Mercy: He leaves me to deal with issues at home all by myself, while he keeps himself occupied with another woman’s touch. He is spending more time taking the other lady out, talking to her and sharing his goals and dreams. I am burdened at home, all because I am his wife and mother to the children.

DBM: Do you think he is happy being married to you?

Mercy: I do everything to meet his sexual needs. I don’t stress this man at home. Secondly, he chose me. He asked me to marry him. I did not force myself on him. There is this huge hole in my heart and in my life that I have to fill with a man’s touch, affection and attention. Either that, or I may be tempted again to mix something in his food.

DBM: If you are tempted to physically or emotionally hurt someone you love, simply because they hurt you, then it would be best to walk out of the marriage.

Mercy: If there is any walking out to be done, that should be in his obituary.

DBM: If you truly love him, he will need you to help him do right by you.

Mercy: Dave, he doesn’t need me. Trust me, he has his side-chick.

DBM: Most men are addicted to approval and validation from other women. He might be one of those.

Mercy: I don’t care. Right now, it’s two things, I either find myself someone on the side to be meeting my needs – as he’s enjoying, or close this chapter with my husband permanently.

DBM: ‘Till death do us part’?

Mercy: That was my vow to him.

DBM: What about forgiveness? Because the real need for forgiveness is in marriage

Mercy: No good comes of it

DBM: No good comes out of cleansing your heart and making peace with yourself?

Mercy: You do not understand, I will not forget what he’s done to me.

DBM: I am not making any excuses for his behavior. All I am asking is, is his foolishness worth the foolish decision you’re intending on making?

Mercy: He should have thought of all that.

DBM: You need to confront your husband.

Mercy: And say what?

DBM: That, you are thinking of ways to make him pay for what he is doing to you.

Mercy: Why would I want to do that?

DBM: Because just like him, you’re equally flawed, and your perceptions are too.

Mercy: Thank you for the conversation.

DBM: You’re welcome, Mercy. Every relationship that we’ve all been in, one way or the other, requires some level of forgiveness to sustain its relevance to us.

Image Credit: Anna Shvets

Let’s Talk To Kweku

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 6 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 20: My name is Kweku

DBM: Hello, Kweku. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Kweku: I am a Senior Product Marketing Manager. I am married with two kids. I am 43 years of age, and I live in Accra.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Kweku: I am planning on quitting my job.

DBM: Why?

Kweku: I feel disrespected by my employers. I loathe my boss. That is my first reason. The second reason is my salary, it’s low. The third reason: I hate my job. I am so unhappy.

DBM: Why do you hate your job?

Kweku: It’s not fulfilling, and I don’t feel challenged enough. There is no progression in my career. I feel so limited.

DBM: How long have you been working for your current employer?

Kweku: 9 years.

DBM: Why do you dislike your boss?

Kweku: He is incompetent, but because he has money, he feels he can talk to anyone anyhow and get away with it.

DBM: When was the last time you encountered your boss in an argument?

Kweku: Just yesterday. Dave, it’s an everyday attack with him when it comes to my input at work. There is always a problem with what I do.

DBM: What specifically are your duties and responsibilities?

Kweku: I am involved in the development of products and its distribution; I also create and implement marketing strategies and initiatives to increase our product’s visibility and market performance; I create sales copy, and liaise with the stakeholders of our company. My job is to also perform thorough market research and competitive analysis to understand and efficiently communicate product value proposition.

DBM: Do you have a new job lined up somewhere else?

Kweku: No, but I have put in a few applications.

DBM: Any luck thus far with those applications?

Kweku: I did one interview recently.

DBM: How did it go?

Kweku: It was okay.

DBM: You mentioned being unhappy; an unhappy worker most often is an un-productive worker. Are you productive at work?

Kweku: I am, and that’s what pisses me off; because I stive to give my 100% at every task, only to be unappreciated and criticized.

DBM: You are certain about resigning?

Kweku: At this moment, yes! I called my boss incompetent in the presence of my co-workers.

DBM: When was this?

Kweku: Yesterday afternoon.

DBM: What was his reaction?

Kweku: He was in shock. And angry. And defensive

DBM: What did your co-workers say after hearing you say that to the boss?

Kweku: Nothing! They all knew someone had to tell him to his face.

DBM: And that person had to be you?

Kweku: Unfortunately!

DBM: Does your wife know you’re going to be unemployed, like yesterday?

Kweku: Not yet.

DBM: Does she know about how you’re being treated at work?

Kweku: Yes!

DBM: And, what has she said to you?

Kweku: She’s been helping me with job applications.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Kweku: 11 years.

DBM: So, your children are under 11?

Kweku: Yes!

DBM: Has your boss approached you since yesterday?

Kweku: Not yet. That is why I want to send in my resignation letter.

DBM: Are you resigning because you feel you will be fired, regardless?

Kweku: No, Dave. I have had enough of his bullshit.

DBM: Kweku, please do not get into anymore emotional exchanges with your boss. If you allow your emotions to outrun your rational decision, you may not have the time to properly think things through.

Kweku: I have no interest in talking to him today.

DBM: If you’re resigning, then it indirectly also means you’re firing him as your boss.

Kweku: Lol! I haven’t heard that before. Lol!

DBM: Do not resign via email.

Kweku: Why not? That’s how it’s done here.

DBM: You insulted him. I would suggest you write a short letter, and it should be to the points you’ve raised: low salary, unfulfillment and the unhappiness. State the actual date of your resignation, and then go to your boss’ office to hand him the letter. Without any complaints, tell him you are resigning, and try to talk over your concerns. After receiving your letter, thank him, and then leave.

Kweku: Dave, it’s too much work while I can just send him a mail. I am trying to prevent any confrontation.

DBM: I see. Anyways, you are in control of your happiness, no one else is.

Kweku: True.

DBM: Are you your family’s main source of income?

Kweku: Yes, but my wife also works.

DBM: Do you have enough saved to support your family – while you wait for your next employment?

Kweku: I have something saved.

DBM: To sustain your home for the next two-to-three years?

Kweku: Lol! Hopefully, I wouldn’t be staying in the house unemployed for that long. Lol!

DBM: Well, you can never be sure.

Kweku: My wife works. She will give me the necessary support.

DBM: Has she confirmed to that?

Kweku: She is my wife. We are in it together.

DBM: Are you going to be alright?

Kweku: I will be fine, Inshallah!

Image Credit: Nappy

Let’s Talk To Yorkow

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 6 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 19: Yorkow

DBM: Hi, Yorkow. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Yorkow: I am HIV+

DBM: Alright! But I would want to know other positive aspects there is to you.

Yorkow: I hold an MBA in Accounting and Finance, a Bachelor of Science in Accounting; I am highly analytical and result driven.

DBM: Okay! How old are you?

Yorkow: 40

DBM: Are you single, dating or married?

Yorkow: Widowed!

DBM: So sorry. How long were you married to your late wife?

Yorkow: 9 years.

DBM: You have children?

Yorkow: Daughter.

DBM: What kind of dad are you to your child?

Yorkow: I am crazy about her, and I love her with all of my heart. She’s smart and beautiful like her mum. I pray for her every day.

DBM: What type of man are you?

Yorkow: I care for myself and take care of all of my needs on my own.

DBM: That’s good to know. Alright, what do you want to talk about?

Yorkow: I am dealing with so much guilt.

DBM: Why is that?

Yorkow: I think I am the reason my wife is dead.

DBM: What makes you say that?

Yorkow: I may have infected her with the virus.

DBM: HIV?

Yorkow: Yes!

DBM: Knowingly or unknowingly?

Yorkow: Unknowingly.

DBM: Yorkow is not your real name, is it?

Yorkow: No!

DBM: Could you have imagined being the one who would hurt your wife through cheating?

Yorkow: Yes!

DBM: How so?

Yorkow: I married a woman I am not sure I loved 100%

DBM: What percentage of love was in you for her?

Yorkow: 35% of friendly love

DBM: You were not in love with her?

Yorkow: No!

DBM: Why did you marry her then?

Yorkow: I had to marry and have children.

DBM: Why did you marry your wife?

Yorkow: I don’t know.

DBM: Did you like her?

Yorkow: Yes! She was my friend, and I cared about her.

DBM: Cared in which way?

Yorkow: I wanted the best for her.

DBM: Were you the best for her?

Yorkow: No!

DBM: So, why did you take that place in her life?

Yorkow: She wasn’t finding the right man. All the guys she dated ended up hurting her feelings.

DBM: And what did you do differently when you took up space in her heart?

Yorkow: I made one of her dreams come true.

DBM: Which was?

Yorkow: Being married, having a baby.

DBM: Did you love the person you were cheating on your wife with?

Yorkow: I did.

DBM: What is her HIV status?

Yorkow: He is a man.

DBM: You’re gay?

Yorkow: Bisexual.

DBM: Which of the sexes are you drawn to the most?

Yorkow: Men.

DBM: What is the man’s HIV status?

Yorkow: +

DBM: Was he the only man you were sleeping with?

Yorkow: Yes!

DBM: Protected sex?

Yorkow: No! We had been together for more than 12 years. I trusted him.

DBM: You two were dating before you married your wife?

Yorkow: Yes.

DBM: And, your wife knew him?

Yorkow: She knew we were close friends.

DBM: Is he also married?

Yorkow: Yes!

DBM: So, he was the one sleeping around?

Yorkow: I suppose so.

DBM: Did he confirm to being with other men?

Yorkow: Yes!

DBM: Did he know about his HIV status, prior to you finding out about yours?

Yorkow: I don’t think so.

DBM: Do you think your wife knew about your relationship with him?

Yorkow: No!

DBM: Is your wife the type that would be unfaithful?

Yorkow: No! She’s a good woman.

DBM: How about your boyfriend’s wife?

Yorkow: I wouldn’t know.

DBM: It is not easy to deal with these feelings of guilt after betrayal, and still live with yourself as if nothing happened.

Yorkow: I feel horrible, and angry, and sad.

DBM: We all make mistakes.

Yorkow: Hmmm!

DBM: Would you want me to recommend a counselor I trust?

Yorkow: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Yorkow: A lot.

DBM: Are you going to be alright?

Yorkow: I don’t know!

DBM: Do you have any support at home with your daughter?

Yorkow: Yes.

DBM: Forgive yourself, Yorkow. There are more positive things in your life to cheer you up; be conscious of those very things and allow yourself to be encouraged by them. And, please do not make that mistake of wasting your energy – trying to live up to, and become what this society expects you to be. You are saying you are attracted to men more; find decent men who like men, and relate to and with them the best way you understand love and affection. That is honesty! Honesty to yourself, and your creator. Only He can understand your true feelings and judge you accordingly.

Yorkow: Okay! I’ve got to work. Thanks!

Image Credit: Mike Jones

Let’s Talk To Sena

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 5 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 18: The name Sena sounds nice to me.

DBM: Hello, Sena. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Sena: I grew up in a humble home, and have done the best I could to remain persistent and tenacious. I am a tough girl and will never stop until I achieve my goals in life. Overall, I think I am a compassionate person. I am married and a mother.

DBM: What do you want to talk about today?

Sena: An aspect of my past that I am beginning to miss.

DBM: You’re no longer into that past thing?

Sena: Marriage influenced my decision to stop.

DBM: Tell me about the past.

Sena: It started after my first boyfriend cheated on me. I could not understand how a man claiming to love only me would develop feelings for multiple ladies at a time. In my attempt to understand, in order to forgive him, I fell in love with my second boyfriend. He was my first’s close friend.

DBM: Why his close friend?

Sena: It just happened. He knew his friend better, and was the right person to talk to. My first found out about us, and we had to end things.

DBM: Had you gotten over the first breakup?

Sena: No! And though we were no longer dating, we occasionally would hook up for sex.

DBM: While dating his close friend?

Sena: Yes and no. When my first got to know about our relationship, the second didn’t want to have any issues with my first, and so we agreed to separate. But we would also hook up to have sex, as and when.

DBM: So, you were sleeping with both men?

Sena: Yes, while dating my third guy.

DBM: Were you in love with all three?

Sena: Good question, I was! And that was when it dawned on me that I may naturally be a polyamorous lady.

DBM: How did that make you feel?

Sena: Being attracted to, and not just that, but having the ability to love more than just one man at a time is no small feat. It was a lot to take in.

DBM: Were you ashamed in any way?

Sena: Once in a while, I would feel guilt but as I became more and more sexually attracted to different men, I found the excitement in the journey and managed to live with it.

DBM: What type of men do you find attractive?

Sena: I am very attracted to intelligence. A self-confident man is attractive to me. I like courteous men; a man who is constantly trying to improve his own life is a man I find to be handsome. Because I am open-minded, I like men who are too.

DBM: Is your husband any of these characteristics listed?

Sena: He is. My husband is so calm, and very well composed. He is aware of the impact his choice of words have on me.

DBM: Prior to meeting your husband, how many men had you laid with?

Sena: Over 57

DBM: Were you a sex worker?

Sena: No, but I loved sex.

DBM: You had feelings for all the men?

Sena: 15% of the total number, yes!

DBM: How is your current sex life with your husband?

Sena: Boring. It was okay when we didn’t have children, but after the kids came responsibilities.

DBM: Responsibilities on whose part?

Sena: I think my husband assumes I have a lot on my hands at home with the children after work, and so he stays out late sometimes to be with his side chick.

DBM: He knows that you know about his other woman?

Sena: He doesn’t, and I prefer it that way.

DBM: Why is that?

Sena: It gives me time to also ponder over what I want.

DBM: What do you want?

Sena: I want to revive the old me that was sexually expressive and fun to be with.

DBM: Can’t you revive that you with your husband in bed?

Sena: I don’t know how to explain this, but I feel like my husband is the one killing my wild fire with boredom.

DBM: Have you discussed this with him?

Sena: He is the ‘I know it all’ kind of men. He has his other woman probably because he feels I am boring in bed.

DBM: Are you boring in bed?

Sena: With him in our bed, yes; sex suddenly becomes tiring and uninteresting.

DBM: Are you feeling this way because he’s chosen another woman in addition to you?

Sena: Not at all. I have lived my life in such a way that, I love to challenge myself. My husband doesn’t challenge our sex life the way I was used to. That is why I have started looking for something else..

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Sena: He is the perfect father for our children.

DBM: Is he the perfect man for you?

Sena: No man is perfect.

DBM: Is he the wisest choice you made for you?

Sena: I am not a one-man woman. I may be unruffled but underneath my cool demeanor rages a voracious sexual appetite. I have realized that, as I grow older my desire for multiple sex partners increases. I have become less picky about how a man should look these days; as long as they are young and can handle me.

DBM: Assuming your husband is reading this conversation, what would you like him to know?

Sena: One thing me and him agree on is, LIFE IS SHORT. And, he knows variety is the spice of life. Dear husband, have a lot of fun; protect yourself with these other girls because I will protect myself to protect you. And, don’t have sex pretty much the same way as you do at home with me: same foreplay, same positions, same routine, same kissing and fondling. It’s boring. Mix it up a little. Guys find out what works on one woman, and they feel it’s applicable on every woman every time. Sex is never the same with every woman.

Image Credit: Nataliya Vaitkevich

Let’s Talk To Afua

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 17: Afua

DBM: Hello, Afua. Please tell me a little about yourself

Afua: I live in Accra, and I am married with kids.

DBM: What do you want to talk about today?

Afua: Prior to meeting my husband, I was providing emotional attachments to a certain kind of men. It was a non-physical something to arouse strong feelings in them.

DBM: When you say, “men”, like how many?

Afua: There were a number of them, and it was a paid service.

DBM: What type of strong feelings were you arousing?

Afua: Love

DBM: You weren’t having sex with any of them, you say?

Afua: It was strictly an emotional engagement.

DBM: After arousing the feeling of love, what follows next?

Afua: They go back home to their wives to offload their feelings.

DBM: How were you attending to these clients?

Afua: Some on phone; others in person.

DBM: How is it done on phone?

Afua: The normal way; we talk, text, video call, leave audio notes, WhatsApp messages, etc. I become their ‘girlfriend’ on phone, and lead them on to know and like me. My clients usually call me when they’re no longer in love with their spouses, or are angry at them. Some also call me when they’re very sad about something, and need an outlet to open up.

DBM: And the in-person meet?

Afua: We go on dates to talk. When the bond is built, I am sometimes invited to their offices to chitchat. Some go the extra mile to invite me to their homes.

DBM: In what capacity?

Afua: They introduce me to their wives as a friend or colleague or business partner. But the home invitation only happens after they’ve found their ways back to loving their wives again, and are bold to show it to me.

DBM: And these men don’t fall in love with you in the process to want to exploit further?

Afua: They fall in love with me, and their wives too. Because Dave, I take on their wives’ names. Before taking on a client, they need to tell me all about their wives. Actually, the first thing for me is their names, because the men address me by how they call their wives. I need to know how they met, the personality of their spouses; the wife’s favorite colours, food, drink, fashion sense etc. If they’re on social media, I follow them or request to be their friend. I take on the full character of the woman they aren’t feeling at home, and give them a reason to feel me, indirectly, them (wives).

DBM: Have you ever fallen in love with any of your clients?

Afua: Almost all of them.

DBM: Let’s go back to the phone call thing: so, you do the ‘have you eaten?’, ‘I miss you’, ‘thinking of you’ stuff?

Afua: Everything.

DBM: I love you’ too?

Afua: Including I LOVE YOU.

DBM: When does ‘I love you’ come in?

Afua: When they can’t keep the feeling to themselves any longer.

DBM: And, do you say ‘I love you’ back because you love them?

Afua: The men I have encountered so far are good men, and so it is always easy for me to fall for them after the first week or two.

DBM: Who says the ‘I love you’ first; you or them?

Afua: I always wait for them to say it first to me.

DBM: And then?

Afua: I say it back, and eventually, encourage them to say it to their wives and mean it.

DBM: While thinking about you, I guess?

Afua: Lol! If that helps. Lol!

DBM: The face-to-face meet, what are your boundaries?

Afua: No kissing, no sex.

DBM: Hugs?

Afua: A hug is allowed. Handshakes are also allowed.

DBM: You mentioned doing video calls and all, do you show them your naked body or pictures?

Afua: No! But those I talk to on phone get to see my picture on our first chat.

DBM: Do you get any extra benefits aside being paid for your service?

Afua: Oh yes! Those I encounter on phone, after a month or two would start to buy me phone credits. Some send me random Momo alerts, aside my fee. Those I meet in person also start giving me gifts after I have grown on them. Because I take on the personality of their wives, most provide for my wardrobe in order to dress and smell like their wives. Some pay for vacation trips with me, road trips, dinner dates etc. I have a lot of fun with them.

DBM: Does your husband know about this you?

Afua: No! I stopped after we got married.

DBM: Was he also a client?

Afua: He wasn’t. But we met because one of my clients was doing business with him. He used to talk about him a lot, and I developed interest in getting to know him. That’s when I created a scene for us to accidently, meet.

DBM: You love your husband?

Afua: With all of my heart. That’s why I want to do something else to support our family. Things aren’t going easy on us, him especially. I’m considering taking on new clients to earn extra money. Also, I miss the excitement in getting to know other men. Because my husband works too much, he hardly gives me any attention and tender loving care. I can get that from clients, get paid, and still support our home.

DBM: How do you advertise for clients?

Afua: I have 3 men in line at the moment.

DBM: Old clients?

Afua: All new.

Image Credit: Samphan Korwong

These Hoes Ain’t Loyal

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

Hello David,

I am a follower of your Facebook platform, so is my ex-wife. We were married for 7 years, and blessed with a son. I think sometimes you’re a little prejudiced when it comes to men and women on your page. Your conversations are always tailored around men treating their women right. Little is discussed about how women should treat their men. Are we not deserving of being treated right? Or as a man yourself, you mean to say your feelings aren’t that worth appreciating?

My ex-wife was so focused on herself and needs in our marriage, my own emotions and needs were placed on the sideline. She did not understand how to treat me right as her man. To the rest of the world, I was the monster making her unhappy in our marriage; but tell me Dave, which man in his right senses will be empowered to do more than the usual for a wife who refuses to put in the effort into making her man happy?

Things were okay between us in the beginning years of our marriage until I lost my job. And I pray no married man ever loses his job in this Ghana, and ends up relying on his wife; your marriage will break up. My experience wasn’t even a flat-out-firing. I was downsized, and I lost more than just my paycheck; I lost my wife’s genuine respect for my well-being. Trust me when I tell you these hoes ain’t loyal. Many of them marry men for their paychecks and employment statuses; love is just a word on their lips.

My wife stopped seeing and trusting the fact that I was working hard to find work; she stopped seeing the embarrassment I felt for being unemployed. Her expectations of me shifted; her usual routines at home suddenly changed, not because money was tight, but because I was depending on her to hold the family down. For the first time in our relationship, we weren’t on the same page with money, all because I was unemployed. Unfortunately for me, another man with a better job rather got my wife’s 100% attention, care and pampering. The very things I craved for because I thought the “I do” in our vows mandated our marriage to be my source of strength in times like these. But no, another man enjoyed my wife’s support and encouragement; he profited from my wife’s resourcefulness.

I became emotionally troubled – I missed out on a lot happening around me in my own home. In all honesty Mr. David, I wasn’t asking for much; I just wanted her kindness and compassion, that was why I had to recoup into taking two steps forward and one step back on my journey to maintaining a healthy marriage. While I tried to get our connection back to where it used to be, my wife was taking one step forward and four steps back. She was in love with someone else. She manipulated my feelings, tried also to guilt-trip me, and worst of it all – when I made a little mistake, my ex-wife would catalog all of my errors from 1952 with an elongated monologue.

When I forbade her from pursuing another love interest with her current husband, my ex-wife took up a voluntary total fasting exercise, starving herself almost to death. She would cook for me and our child, but refuse to eat. This continued for more than three months. She lost so much weight and grew lean, it was scary. I don’t know the story she was selling to family and friends because they all started believing she was suffering from battery and abuse. She wouldn’t answer the phone calls of her family and friends; she stopped going to work, and as a result, lost her job. Outsiders started vising our home unannounced, and at odd times to check on her. She told her siblings and best friend that I had isolated her from her family and friends, psychologically beaten her down and was physically threatening her. The day I heard her mother tell her she deserved to live free of fear, she filed for divorce. Three weeks after our separation, she started putting on weight again.

Image Credit: Karolina Grabowska

POINT OF CONTACT

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 16 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 16: Timo.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

TIMO: I am 49 years old, a husband and a father. My approach to life and my marriage is that, whatever I do affects people’s feelings, and so I try to act accordingly. I do not skulk around to always do the right thing; what I am saying is, every decision I make now is strictly based on the fact that, the people around me also have feelings, and just as I think my needs matter, people and their needs are equally important.

DBM: How long have you been married?

TIMO: 16 years.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

TIMO: I wasn’t looking for much: I wanted a woman who loved and respected herself and others, had a good grasp of common sense, and could deserve my trust. I wanted a woman who could trust me to discuss anything with me. My mother is my role model in a sense, because she has her own life, interests and friends. I am attracted to such independent ladies who can do well all by themselves. My wife fit into all that.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

TIMO: My wife was a single parent when we met. I had been invited to her son’s school to give a talk. Her son asked very intelligent questions and follow-up questions, I took a special interest in him. The reason why I wanted to mentor him was because I could see myself in him. After the seminar, this nine-year old kid tugged at my sleeve impatiently, smiling, “Excuse me Uncle Timothy, can I say something?” he said, “I think you will like my mother, she’s just like you.”. Oh, during my presentation at the seminar, I think I said something about me being single, etc. He gave me his mother’s phone number and asked me for mine. I gave him my card. I called his mother the moment I sat in my car to discuss her intelligent son.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

TIMO: My wife is my best friend, and this friendship has been built in a matter of time and practice. We practice how to like each other intentionally, everyday; making each other laugh, being goofy sometimes, enjoying each other’s company and making what we have a priority.

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

TIMO: Yesterday evening. I was farting under the sheet so bad; she went to boil eggs to eat. I had to move out of the bedroom to breathe again in the hall.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

TIMO: I went to pick my son (her child) from school one time because she had meetings running late, and he mentioned to me in the car their prayer topic the night before. It was about me! Mother and son both realized how much they liked me and had to pray about it. Caleb told me about how his mother was emotional and crying while praying about me and what I meant to them. When he asked me if I could be his father, I stopped the car. His request touched me to the core because his biological father lives. It was at that point that I knew I needed to guide him to become the best any young boy could become: empathetic, compassionate and being contented with his vulnerability. He was the point of contact to my true feelings for his mother.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

TIMO: My wife is the best and most attractive version of herself. She put effort into her wardrobe and wears clothing that makes her feel good and sexy. Inside and out, she’s the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

TIMO: I listen with the intention of understanding her. I always put in the time to find out why what she’s talking about is important to her. She does same with me; she makes me feel like she gets me as a person, on a much deeper level.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

TIMO: She’s doing excellently well as my wife and mother to the children. I am happy so far.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

TIMO: I take you to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

TIMO: Being lovers and parents is the most fun had. As lovers, we explore by going outside our comfort zone; we push the boundaries, take risks, and plan fun sexual activities together. We date each other again every month without the children. We do movies, dinner, walk on the beach holding hands, things like that. The most fun for me is when my wife makes all my decisions for me on the day of my birth. My wife was born on a Thursday; so, every Thursday, for the past 16 years, I have been the one choosing her wardrobe for work, the food to eat, which side of the bed to sleep, the type of sex I want, what she has to do to please me, etc. And, we have fun with it. She’s always excited when it’s a Sunday, because she takes her turn on me.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

TIMO: I have never loved anyone as much as I love my wife. She’s my dream come true.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

TIMO: I trust my wife with all of my heart.

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

TIMO: My first priority is my wife. I make time for her all the time.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

TIMO: Yes! I am emotionally catered for, and she makes me feel good.

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

TIMO: Very secure in my marriage.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

TIMO: Still doing each other and not getting tired of it.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

TIMO: Touching, kissing, and more of oral sex. We prolong our foreplay because it improves our sexual experience. With my wife, I do not need an erection to please her; clitoral stimulation gives her the best orgasm, so I focus on that more. I have my turn when she’s happily breathing and smiling beside me. We talk during the day about our sexual fantasies and it makes sex more exciting when we’re together having it.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

TIMO: 7/10.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

TIMO: I feel most loved when my wife hugs me randomly, kisses me out of the blue, smiles at me for no reason; explicitly offers gratitude for the little things I do for the house and for her. Whenever she praises me, I feel I am loved; and when she dresses or acts seductively to sexually connect with me.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

TIMO: I am loved well, yes!

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

TIMO: I am a good husband.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

TIMO: No! But I have been tempted to a few times. I couldn’t pursue it because it’s not worth hurting my wife over.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart:

TIMO: My dear wife, thank you for making me feel brand new. Thank you for liking me; thank you for respecting me; thank you for finding me attractive. You have accepted and prized me for all that I am. I will continue to treat you the way YOU want to be treated.

Image Credit: Anete Lusina

CUT MYSELF SOME SLACK

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

I used to think my wife was the most difficult person on earth to love. I thought this way because the first time I saw her, she was screaming at her staff. I knew a friend who worked for her and he had categorically told me she was a bitch; unkind, annoying and controlling. From the first day I met her, I could tell she wasn’t anybody’s favorite at the office. I was at her office because my friend had informed me about her relationship status; she was single. And Dave, I was quite a catch back in the day, ‘ladies’ man’ and all… Lol! So, the plan was for me to come in a professional capacity (I am an architect) to discuss a potential business partnership, go the extra mile to become friendly, win her heart, use and then, dump her.

My friend and his three other colleagues at the office had it all planned for me. They had an office project to execute and they were going to propose the name of my company to her for consideration for the job. My office got a call to meet with their team for further discussions. My wife once told me that, the first time we met at her office, she thought I was so handsome, and the way I looked and smiled at her, she thought she would lose herself in me. That was my wife’s observations about me. When our eyes first met, Dave, you wouldn’t believe this but my heart pounded; yes, Mr. Playboy’s heart felt like it would burst.

I wasn’t thinking about the plan with the boys; I wasn’t thinking about the potential business partnership, which made my business a lot of money; I wasn’t thinking about how rude she was to her staff; I was swept off my meet when I had the opportunity to sit across her table in her office. I was never a believer of ‘Love at first sight’ but I fell in love with her in her office. There was a connection of a sort when our eyes met. I can’t explain it but it was what it was.

We talked business and wrapped things off. I asked for her number and she gave it. When I got back to my office, I called my friend to lie about what had transpired. They believed we were still on course. Two dates later, I was convinced I had made the right decision. My friend found himself another job two years later, and I married my wife a year after my friend had left her company.

I think what made my wife lovable was because I CHOSE to LOVE her. It had absolutely nothing to do with who she was (according to other people’s experiences with her at the office – which obviously wasn’t great) but my capacity to want to know her for myself and like her according to my own understanding of her as a person. My wife is a great woman, very hard working and it didn’t feel right to plot with my friend to hurt her. I was willing to choose love instead of giving in to someone else’s hatred and anger.

We’ve been married for 12 years, and my unconditional love has come from a place of decision. It’s not been all rosy; she’s gotten under my skin and nerves many times. There was a time she wanted a divorce because she didn’t think she loved me anymore. I love her, and I was going to love her even if she didn’t love me back, and there was nothing she could do about it. She naaa found her love back for me. I chose to like her; I chose to forgive her on behalf of my friend and his colleagues; I chose to be nice to her; I chose to do right by her; I chose to respect her; I chose to be her friend. I was a total foolish package myself in the day, and I learned how to cut myself some slack. I had to nurture the good within in order to find the good in her, and trust me, there is so much good in my wife.

At this moment, there is no looking back, no second thoughts, and no regrets.

Image Credit: Polina Tankilevitch

GO GET ‘em’, MOMMA

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

Dave,

I do not regret having children. I do not regret being my husband’s wife. I am only sad that I allowed pregnancy and motherhood to become the alter at which I had to sacrifice my personal goals and dreams. We were both pursuing further studies when we got pregnant. I wanted an abortion but he insisted we had the baby. We agreed I would continue with my studies after our child turned one. Meanwhile, he continued with his life uninterrupted. When our daughter turned one, he asked me to marry him, which I did. I got pregnant again, and we talked about it. I carried the pregnancy to term, had our son and then decided to go back to school. He had returned to Ghana by this time.

My husband has a good job; the children love him. He adores his children. Now, it’s my turn to chase after my dreams and my husband is claiming the kids are too young to be left alone. He made a promise to finance my education whenever I decide to continue; I made the decision but he wasn’t convinced it was the right time for me. For four years, I have devoted my all to being the best parent. My identity was consumed by motherhood till an ex-boyfriend offered to sponsor my master’s degree. My husband wasn’t ready to, so when my ex (who knows me very well) suggested I applied, and that, he was ready to fund it, I did.

Mind you, my ex-boyfriend is married with kids. He stays in New York and I am in New York, schooling. Aside our friendship, and him being my sponsor, there is nothing else going on between us. My husband and his family suddenly do not believe two adults of the opposite sex can be good friends. They want me to return to Ghana and resume my role as a wife and mother. They are not considering the fact that I will be abandoning myself and aspirations. My husband also reached out to my ex to ask him to stop paying my fees. He didn’t ask him to stop so he can take responsibility. He’s just asking him to stop. My friend informed me, and I told him not to mind my husband. My husband is not answering my calls or responding to my messages. Why should marriage put my passions on hold? Dave, I love my husband; I miss my children, but I am so much more than just being a ‘perfect’ wife and mother.

Image Credits: RF._.studio

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