Let’s Talk To Sena

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 5 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 18: The name Sena sounds nice to me.

DBM: Hello, Sena. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Sena: I grew up in a humble home, and have done the best I could to remain persistent and tenacious. I am a tough girl and will never stop until I achieve my goals in life. Overall, I think I am a compassionate person. I am married and a mother.

DBM: What do you want to talk about today?

Sena: An aspect of my past that I am beginning to miss.

DBM: You’re no longer into that past thing?

Sena: Marriage influenced my decision to stop.

DBM: Tell me about the past.

Sena: It started after my first boyfriend cheated on me. I could not understand how a man claiming to love only me would develop feelings for multiple ladies at a time. In my attempt to understand, in order to forgive him, I fell in love with my second boyfriend. He was my first’s close friend.

DBM: Why his close friend?

Sena: It just happened. He knew his friend better, and was the right person to talk to. My first found out about us, and we had to end things.

DBM: Had you gotten over the first breakup?

Sena: No! And though we were no longer dating, we occasionally would hook up for sex.

DBM: While dating his close friend?

Sena: Yes and no. When my first got to know about our relationship, the second didn’t want to have any issues with my first, and so we agreed to separate. But we would also hook up to have sex, as and when.

DBM: So, you were sleeping with both men?

Sena: Yes, while dating my third guy.

DBM: Were you in love with all three?

Sena: Good question, I was! And that was when it dawned on me that I may naturally be a polyamorous lady.

DBM: How did that make you feel?

Sena: Being attracted to, and not just that, but having the ability to love more than just one man at a time is no small feat. It was a lot to take in.

DBM: Were you ashamed in any way?

Sena: Once in a while, I would feel guilt but as I became more and more sexually attracted to different men, I found the excitement in the journey and managed to live with it.

DBM: What type of men do you find attractive?

Sena: I am very attracted to intelligence. A self-confident man is attractive to me. I like courteous men; a man who is constantly trying to improve his own life is a man I find to be handsome. Because I am open-minded, I like men who are too.

DBM: Is your husband any of these characteristics listed?

Sena: He is. My husband is so calm, and very well composed. He is aware of the impact his choice of words have on me.

DBM: Prior to meeting your husband, how many men had you laid with?

Sena: Over 57

DBM: Were you a sex worker?

Sena: No, but I loved sex.

DBM: You had feelings for all the men?

Sena: 15% of the total number, yes!

DBM: How is your current sex life with your husband?

Sena: Boring. It was okay when we didn’t have children, but after the kids came responsibilities.

DBM: Responsibilities on whose part?

Sena: I think my husband assumes I have a lot on my hands at home with the children after work, and so he stays out late sometimes to be with his side chick.

DBM: He knows that you know about his other woman?

Sena: He doesn’t, and I prefer it that way.

DBM: Why is that?

Sena: It gives me time to also ponder over what I want.

DBM: What do you want?

Sena: I want to revive the old me that was sexually expressive and fun to be with.

DBM: Can’t you revive that you with your husband in bed?

Sena: I don’t know how to explain this, but I feel like my husband is the one killing my wild fire with boredom.

DBM: Have you discussed this with him?

Sena: He is the ‘I know it all’ kind of men. He has his other woman probably because he feels I am boring in bed.

DBM: Are you boring in bed?

Sena: With him in our bed, yes; sex suddenly becomes tiring and uninteresting.

DBM: Are you feeling this way because he’s chosen another woman in addition to you?

Sena: Not at all. I have lived my life in such a way that, I love to challenge myself. My husband doesn’t challenge our sex life the way I was used to. That is why I have started looking for something else..

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Sena: He is the perfect father for our children.

DBM: Is he the perfect man for you?

Sena: No man is perfect.

DBM: Is he the wisest choice you made for you?

Sena: I am not a one-man woman. I may be unruffled but underneath my cool demeanor rages a voracious sexual appetite. I have realized that, as I grow older my desire for multiple sex partners increases. I have become less picky about how a man should look these days; as long as they are young and can handle me.

DBM: Assuming your husband is reading this conversation, what would you like him to know?

Sena: One thing me and him agree on is, LIFE IS SHORT. And, he knows variety is the spice of life. Dear husband, have a lot of fun; protect yourself with these other girls because I will protect myself to protect you. And, don’t have sex pretty much the same way as you do at home with me: same foreplay, same positions, same routine, same kissing and fondling. It’s boring. Mix it up a little. Guys find out what works on one woman, and they feel it’s applicable on every woman every time. Sex is never the same with every woman.

Image Credit: Nataliya Vaitkevich

Let’s Talk To Afua

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 17: Afua

DBM: Hello, Afua. Please tell me a little about yourself

Afua: I live in Accra, and I am married with kids.

DBM: What do you want to talk about today?

Afua: Prior to meeting my husband, I was providing emotional attachments to a certain kind of men. It was a non-physical something to arouse strong feelings in them.

DBM: When you say, “men”, like how many?

Afua: There were a number of them, and it was a paid service.

DBM: What type of strong feelings were you arousing?

Afua: Love

DBM: You weren’t having sex with any of them, you say?

Afua: It was strictly an emotional engagement.

DBM: After arousing the feeling of love, what follows next?

Afua: They go back home to their wives to offload their feelings.

DBM: How were you attending to these clients?

Afua: Some on phone; others in person.

DBM: How is it done on phone?

Afua: The normal way; we talk, text, video call, leave audio notes, WhatsApp messages, etc. I become their ‘girlfriend’ on phone, and lead them on to know and like me. My clients usually call me when they’re no longer in love with their spouses, or are angry at them. Some also call me when they’re very sad about something, and need an outlet to open up.

DBM: And the in-person meet?

Afua: We go on dates to talk. When the bond is built, I am sometimes invited to their offices to chitchat. Some go the extra mile to invite me to their homes.

DBM: In what capacity?

Afua: They introduce me to their wives as a friend or colleague or business partner. But the home invitation only happens after they’ve found their ways back to loving their wives again, and are bold to show it to me.

DBM: And these men don’t fall in love with you in the process to want to exploit further?

Afua: They fall in love with me, and their wives too. Because Dave, I take on their wives’ names. Before taking on a client, they need to tell me all about their wives. Actually, the first thing for me is their names, because the men address me by how they call their wives. I need to know how they met, the personality of their spouses; the wife’s favorite colours, food, drink, fashion sense etc. If they’re on social media, I follow them or request to be their friend. I take on the full character of the woman they aren’t feeling at home, and give them a reason to feel me, indirectly, them (wives).

DBM: Have you ever fallen in love with any of your clients?

Afua: Almost all of them.

DBM: Let’s go back to the phone call thing: so, you do the ‘have you eaten?’, ‘I miss you’, ‘thinking of you’ stuff?

Afua: Everything.

DBM: I love you’ too?

Afua: Including I LOVE YOU.

DBM: When does ‘I love you’ come in?

Afua: When they can’t keep the feeling to themselves any longer.

DBM: And, do you say ‘I love you’ back because you love them?

Afua: The men I have encountered so far are good men, and so it is always easy for me to fall for them after the first week or two.

DBM: Who says the ‘I love you’ first; you or them?

Afua: I always wait for them to say it first to me.

DBM: And then?

Afua: I say it back, and eventually, encourage them to say it to their wives and mean it.

DBM: While thinking about you, I guess?

Afua: Lol! If that helps. Lol!

DBM: The face-to-face meet, what are your boundaries?

Afua: No kissing, no sex.

DBM: Hugs?

Afua: A hug is allowed. Handshakes are also allowed.

DBM: You mentioned doing video calls and all, do you show them your naked body or pictures?

Afua: No! But those I talk to on phone get to see my picture on our first chat.

DBM: Do you get any extra benefits aside being paid for your service?

Afua: Oh yes! Those I encounter on phone, after a month or two would start to buy me phone credits. Some send me random Momo alerts, aside my fee. Those I meet in person also start giving me gifts after I have grown on them. Because I take on the personality of their wives, most provide for my wardrobe in order to dress and smell like their wives. Some pay for vacation trips with me, road trips, dinner dates etc. I have a lot of fun with them.

DBM: Does your husband know about this you?

Afua: No! I stopped after we got married.

DBM: Was he also a client?

Afua: He wasn’t. But we met because one of my clients was doing business with him. He used to talk about him a lot, and I developed interest in getting to know him. That’s when I created a scene for us to accidently, meet.

DBM: You love your husband?

Afua: With all of my heart. That’s why I want to do something else to support our family. Things aren’t going easy on us, him especially. I’m considering taking on new clients to earn extra money. Also, I miss the excitement in getting to know other men. Because my husband works too much, he hardly gives me any attention and tender loving care. I can get that from clients, get paid, and still support our home.

DBM: How do you advertise for clients?

Afua: I have 3 men in line at the moment.

DBM: Old clients?

Afua: All new.

Image Credit: Samphan Korwong

These Hoes Ain’t Loyal

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

Hello David,

I am a follower of your Facebook platform, so is my ex-wife. We were married for 7 years, and blessed with a son. I think sometimes you’re a little prejudiced when it comes to men and women on your page. Your conversations are always tailored around men treating their women right. Little is discussed about how women should treat their men. Are we not deserving of being treated right? Or as a man yourself, you mean to say your feelings aren’t that worth appreciating?

My ex-wife was so focused on herself and needs in our marriage, my own emotions and needs were placed on the sideline. She did not understand how to treat me right as her man. To the rest of the world, I was the monster making her unhappy in our marriage; but tell me Dave, which man in his right senses will be empowered to do more than the usual for a wife who refuses to put in the effort into making her man happy?

Things were okay between us in the beginning years of our marriage until I lost my job. And I pray no married man ever loses his job in this Ghana, and ends up relying on his wife; your marriage will break up. My experience wasn’t even a flat-out-firing. I was downsized, and I lost more than just my paycheck; I lost my wife’s genuine respect for my well-being. Trust me when I tell you these hoes ain’t loyal. Many of them marry men for their paychecks and employment statuses; love is just a word on their lips.

My wife stopped seeing and trusting the fact that I was working hard to find work; she stopped seeing the embarrassment I felt for being unemployed. Her expectations of me shifted; her usual routines at home suddenly changed, not because money was tight, but because I was depending on her to hold the family down. For the first time in our relationship, we weren’t on the same page with money, all because I was unemployed. Unfortunately for me, another man with a better job rather got my wife’s 100% attention, care and pampering. The very things I craved for because I thought the “I do” in our vows mandated our marriage to be my source of strength in times like these. But no, another man enjoyed my wife’s support and encouragement; he profited from my wife’s resourcefulness.

I became emotionally troubled – I missed out on a lot happening around me in my own home. In all honesty Mr. David, I wasn’t asking for much; I just wanted her kindness and compassion, that was why I had to recoup into taking two steps forward and one step back on my journey to maintaining a healthy marriage. While I tried to get our connection back to where it used to be, my wife was taking one step forward and four steps back. She was in love with someone else. She manipulated my feelings, tried also to guilt-trip me, and worst of it all – when I made a little mistake, my ex-wife would catalog all of my errors from 1952 with an elongated monologue.

When I forbade her from pursuing another love interest with her current husband, my ex-wife took up a voluntary total fasting exercise, starving herself almost to death. She would cook for me and our child, but refuse to eat. This continued for more than three months. She lost so much weight and grew lean, it was scary. I don’t know the story she was selling to family and friends because they all started believing she was suffering from battery and abuse. She wouldn’t answer the phone calls of her family and friends; she stopped going to work, and as a result, lost her job. Outsiders started vising our home unannounced, and at odd times to check on her. She told her siblings and best friend that I had isolated her from her family and friends, psychologically beaten her down and was physically threatening her. The day I heard her mother tell her she deserved to live free of fear, she filed for divorce. Three weeks after our separation, she started putting on weight again.

Image Credit: Karolina Grabowska

POINT OF CONTACT

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 16 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 16: Timo.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

TIMO: I am 49 years old, a husband and a father. My approach to life and my marriage is that, whatever I do affects people’s feelings, and so I try to act accordingly. I do not skulk around to always do the right thing; what I am saying is, every decision I make now is strictly based on the fact that, the people around me also have feelings, and just as I think my needs matter, people and their needs are equally important.

DBM: How long have you been married?

TIMO: 16 years.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

TIMO: I wasn’t looking for much: I wanted a woman who loved and respected herself and others, had a good grasp of common sense, and could deserve my trust. I wanted a woman who could trust me to discuss anything with me. My mother is my role model in a sense, because she has her own life, interests and friends. I am attracted to such independent ladies who can do well all by themselves. My wife fit into all that.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

TIMO: My wife was a single parent when we met. I had been invited to her son’s school to give a talk. Her son asked very intelligent questions and follow-up questions, I took a special interest in him. The reason why I wanted to mentor him was because I could see myself in him. After the seminar, this nine-year old kid tugged at my sleeve impatiently, smiling, “Excuse me Uncle Timothy, can I say something?” he said, “I think you will like my mother, she’s just like you.”. Oh, during my presentation at the seminar, I think I said something about me being single, etc. He gave me his mother’s phone number and asked me for mine. I gave him my card. I called his mother the moment I sat in my car to discuss her intelligent son.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

TIMO: My wife is my best friend, and this friendship has been built in a matter of time and practice. We practice how to like each other intentionally, everyday; making each other laugh, being goofy sometimes, enjoying each other’s company and making what we have a priority.

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

TIMO: Yesterday evening. I was farting under the sheet so bad; she went to boil eggs to eat. I had to move out of the bedroom to breathe again in the hall.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

TIMO: I went to pick my son (her child) from school one time because she had meetings running late, and he mentioned to me in the car their prayer topic the night before. It was about me! Mother and son both realized how much they liked me and had to pray about it. Caleb told me about how his mother was emotional and crying while praying about me and what I meant to them. When he asked me if I could be his father, I stopped the car. His request touched me to the core because his biological father lives. It was at that point that I knew I needed to guide him to become the best any young boy could become: empathetic, compassionate and being contented with his vulnerability. He was the point of contact to my true feelings for his mother.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

TIMO: My wife is the best and most attractive version of herself. She put effort into her wardrobe and wears clothing that makes her feel good and sexy. Inside and out, she’s the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

TIMO: I listen with the intention of understanding her. I always put in the time to find out why what she’s talking about is important to her. She does same with me; she makes me feel like she gets me as a person, on a much deeper level.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

TIMO: She’s doing excellently well as my wife and mother to the children. I am happy so far.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

TIMO: I take you to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

TIMO: Being lovers and parents is the most fun had. As lovers, we explore by going outside our comfort zone; we push the boundaries, take risks, and plan fun sexual activities together. We date each other again every month without the children. We do movies, dinner, walk on the beach holding hands, things like that. The most fun for me is when my wife makes all my decisions for me on the day of my birth. My wife was born on a Thursday; so, every Thursday, for the past 16 years, I have been the one choosing her wardrobe for work, the food to eat, which side of the bed to sleep, the type of sex I want, what she has to do to please me, etc. And, we have fun with it. She’s always excited when it’s a Sunday, because she takes her turn on me.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

TIMO: I have never loved anyone as much as I love my wife. She’s my dream come true.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

TIMO: I trust my wife with all of my heart.

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

TIMO: My first priority is my wife. I make time for her all the time.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

TIMO: Yes! I am emotionally catered for, and she makes me feel good.

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

TIMO: Very secure in my marriage.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

TIMO: Still doing each other and not getting tired of it.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

TIMO: Touching, kissing, and more of oral sex. We prolong our foreplay because it improves our sexual experience. With my wife, I do not need an erection to please her; clitoral stimulation gives her the best orgasm, so I focus on that more. I have my turn when she’s happily breathing and smiling beside me. We talk during the day about our sexual fantasies and it makes sex more exciting when we’re together having it.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

TIMO: 7/10.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

TIMO: I feel most loved when my wife hugs me randomly, kisses me out of the blue, smiles at me for no reason; explicitly offers gratitude for the little things I do for the house and for her. Whenever she praises me, I feel I am loved; and when she dresses or acts seductively to sexually connect with me.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

TIMO: I am loved well, yes!

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

TIMO: I am a good husband.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

TIMO: No! But I have been tempted to a few times. I couldn’t pursue it because it’s not worth hurting my wife over.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart:

TIMO: My dear wife, thank you for making me feel brand new. Thank you for liking me; thank you for respecting me; thank you for finding me attractive. You have accepted and prized me for all that I am. I will continue to treat you the way YOU want to be treated.

Image Credit: Anete Lusina

CUT MYSELF SOME SLACK

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

I used to think my wife was the most difficult person on earth to love. I thought this way because the first time I saw her, she was screaming at her staff. I knew a friend who worked for her and he had categorically told me she was a bitch; unkind, annoying and controlling. From the first day I met her, I could tell she wasn’t anybody’s favorite at the office. I was at her office because my friend had informed me about her relationship status; she was single. And Dave, I was quite a catch back in the day, ‘ladies’ man’ and all… Lol! So, the plan was for me to come in a professional capacity (I am an architect) to discuss a potential business partnership, go the extra mile to become friendly, win her heart, use and then, dump her.

My friend and his three other colleagues at the office had it all planned for me. They had an office project to execute and they were going to propose the name of my company to her for consideration for the job. My office got a call to meet with their team for further discussions. My wife once told me that, the first time we met at her office, she thought I was so handsome, and the way I looked and smiled at her, she thought she would lose herself in me. That was my wife’s observations about me. When our eyes first met, Dave, you wouldn’t believe this but my heart pounded; yes, Mr. Playboy’s heart felt like it would burst.

I wasn’t thinking about the plan with the boys; I wasn’t thinking about the potential business partnership, which made my business a lot of money; I wasn’t thinking about how rude she was to her staff; I was swept off my meet when I had the opportunity to sit across her table in her office. I was never a believer of ‘Love at first sight’ but I fell in love with her in her office. There was a connection of a sort when our eyes met. I can’t explain it but it was what it was.

We talked business and wrapped things off. I asked for her number and she gave it. When I got back to my office, I called my friend to lie about what had transpired. They believed we were still on course. Two dates later, I was convinced I had made the right decision. My friend found himself another job two years later, and I married my wife a year after my friend had left her company.

I think what made my wife lovable was because I CHOSE to LOVE her. It had absolutely nothing to do with who she was (according to other people’s experiences with her at the office – which obviously wasn’t great) but my capacity to want to know her for myself and like her according to my own understanding of her as a person. My wife is a great woman, very hard working and it didn’t feel right to plot with my friend to hurt her. I was willing to choose love instead of giving in to someone else’s hatred and anger.

We’ve been married for 12 years, and my unconditional love has come from a place of decision. It’s not been all rosy; she’s gotten under my skin and nerves many times. There was a time she wanted a divorce because she didn’t think she loved me anymore. I love her, and I was going to love her even if she didn’t love me back, and there was nothing she could do about it. She naaa found her love back for me. I chose to like her; I chose to forgive her on behalf of my friend and his colleagues; I chose to be nice to her; I chose to do right by her; I chose to respect her; I chose to be her friend. I was a total foolish package myself in the day, and I learned how to cut myself some slack. I had to nurture the good within in order to find the good in her, and trust me, there is so much good in my wife.

At this moment, there is no looking back, no second thoughts, and no regrets.

Image Credit: Polina Tankilevitch

GO GET ‘em’, MOMMA

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

Dave,

I do not regret having children. I do not regret being my husband’s wife. I am only sad that I allowed pregnancy and motherhood to become the alter at which I had to sacrifice my personal goals and dreams. We were both pursuing further studies when we got pregnant. I wanted an abortion but he insisted we had the baby. We agreed I would continue with my studies after our child turned one. Meanwhile, he continued with his life uninterrupted. When our daughter turned one, he asked me to marry him, which I did. I got pregnant again, and we talked about it. I carried the pregnancy to term, had our son and then decided to go back to school. He had returned to Ghana by this time.

My husband has a good job; the children love him. He adores his children. Now, it’s my turn to chase after my dreams and my husband is claiming the kids are too young to be left alone. He made a promise to finance my education whenever I decide to continue; I made the decision but he wasn’t convinced it was the right time for me. For four years, I have devoted my all to being the best parent. My identity was consumed by motherhood till an ex-boyfriend offered to sponsor my master’s degree. My husband wasn’t ready to, so when my ex (who knows me very well) suggested I applied, and that, he was ready to fund it, I did.

Mind you, my ex-boyfriend is married with kids. He stays in New York and I am in New York, schooling. Aside our friendship, and him being my sponsor, there is nothing else going on between us. My husband and his family suddenly do not believe two adults of the opposite sex can be good friends. They want me to return to Ghana and resume my role as a wife and mother. They are not considering the fact that I will be abandoning myself and aspirations. My husband also reached out to my ex to ask him to stop paying my fees. He didn’t ask him to stop so he can take responsibility. He’s just asking him to stop. My friend informed me, and I told him not to mind my husband. My husband is not answering my calls or responding to my messages. Why should marriage put my passions on hold? Dave, I love my husband; I miss my children, but I am so much more than just being a ‘perfect’ wife and mother.

Image Credits: RF._.studio

Autumn Leaf

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I have been following your Facebook page since 2021, and I must confess, you’re doing a great job with the way you choose to use your platform. I am sharing my wife’s story with you because I believe it can help someone reading it. My wife used to be married; I am her second marriage. She’s my first marriage experience and it’s been a fun 13 years thus far. When we met for the first time, I did not understand why a nice woman like her had walked out of her marriage. She has the purest of intentions and projects herself as a good human being. I realized in the course of our friendship that she was becoming so caught up in the relationship with me, she was trying so hard to evade upsetting me. That wasn’t sinking in with me well because it started to seem like she was abandoning the person she really wanted to be around me, herself.

When I first asked her about her ex-husband, she described him as the ‘master of manipulation’ whose words to punish her damaged her self-esteem, while in the presence of their children, family and friends, appeared to care deeply about her. He mocked the way she dressed, walked, ate, slept, talked, managed situations at home, insulted her intelligence, etc. He yelled at her without much goading, threatened to intimidate her, blamed her for anything that didn’t go right with their plans, upset her intentionally to avoid taking responsibility, and the list goes on.

Dave, this is a woman who has shown me care and compassion for 13 years. She is very sensitive to my needs, and would do everything possible to provide a solution to anything bothering my mind. She knows when I am frustrated, and will try whatever works to put a smile on my face. She appreciates me for the little things, makes times for me; encourages me with more than love in my good and bad times. My wife is respectful and would put our family first. She makes me feel like I am her one and only lover; she doesn’t infringe on my personal space; I don’t have to guess when it comes to her because she lays bare her opinions. She’s the most creative when it comes to sex; she knows how to satisfy me in bed. She reads a lot on sex and introduces me to very interesting, mind-blowing things. I have attained my best potential since I married her.

Back to her past: she traveled with her two children to visit her parents, and was called by a neighbor three days later; she had seen her ex-husband bring another woman to their house. She was supposed to be spending eight days at her parents’ house but she returned to Accra that third day, unannounced. She opened the door, and to her surprise, there was a naked woman in their bed. Her ex-husband wasn’t in bed with her, though his car was parked in front of the house. My wife says, something sharp hit the back of her head, and the next thing she heard, she was mistakenly being assumed to be dead at the hospital. She had been admitted for six days, and they did not know she had come out of consciousness.

Can love really be that unfair? Because though I know my love for her today is softening her pain overtime, it never seems to go away; it’s stuck with her for the rest of our lives together. She’s reminded every now and then – who the father of her first two children is, and it crushes her soul because he’s out there living a free life, and treating other women better than all the crap he put her through.

Image Credit: Ron Lach

REACH

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 15: Regina.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

REGINA: I love the way I laugh, it’s unique and no one can laugh my laugh like how I do it. Those who know me easily know it’s me laughing when they hear it.

DBM: How long have you been married?

REGINA: 9 years.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

REGINA: I wanted a man who is loyal. An unfaithful man during the course of a relationship is not my ideal marriage partner. Now, my husband is committed to me and only me, after what happened to the both of us. The man he has now become was the man I needed him to be when we connected on a sexual level and discussed exclusivity. Dave, there are beautiful women all over, but I wanted a man who understood that though lady B is hotter/beautiful/sexier than me, I still remained the only one woman he needed in his life. Now, I have become the woman I never wanted to be.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

REGINA: He is friends with my friend. We met at her party, clicked and hooked up exclusively (no sex outside our connection) to fuck whenever we were horny.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

REGINA: No. But we support each other.

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

REGINA: I don’t remember. We laugh but there is no particular incident that made him laugh out loud.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

REGINA: I never got to that point with him. We are married because he infected me with HIV. It seemed simpler and felt wise to be married to a man who knows what living with HIV is like.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

REGINA: He’s okay.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

REGINA: I listen to formulate a response.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

REGINA: Fairly okay.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

REGINA: None. Our marriage happened because we thought coming together was going to help us fully understand the highs and lows of living with HIV, while we became each other’s support.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

REGINA: Prior to getting married, it was the sex.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

REGINA: I am not in love with my husband.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

REGINA: No. We agreed to be exclusive when we met but he broke the agreement.

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

REGINA: I make time for him when I have time.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

REGINA: No.

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

REGINA: I don’t know. We are married for a specific reason.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

REGINA: Married and supporting each other.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

REGINA: Sex that doesn’t involve HIV.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

REGINA: 8/10. He’s good.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

REGINA: Love should be how I experience the essence of a person I care about, and how I avail myself for this same person to experience the real me.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

REGINA: My husband loves me but I don’t have room in my heart to welcome it.

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

REGINA: I am just doing my part in this arrangement.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

REGINA: Yes, many times, with other married men. I don’t chase after them, they chase me, and I give in if I am attracted to them. I am on treatment and I have an undetectable viral load, so I cannot pass my HIV on a negative man, even if no condoms are used.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart:

REGINA: What you did to me changed me entirely; how I feel about my life was altered, the values I used to hold up high was impacted gravely; you caused me to change my relationship with those I cared about; I have still not come into terms with the fact that I am sick and have to monitor and treat myself daily in order for my health to not get worse. You deprived me of my dream to love a man I am in love with. I thought things would get easier with time but when I think of the fact that I am not happily married, the worries I feel, the seldom frights and all the mixed feelings of anger and getting upset with you, I don’t think I will ever love you as you think you have fallen in love with me.

Image Credit: RF Studio

PERFECT MATCH

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 14: I want to be known as Kwam.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

KWAM: I believe I am well-mannered; I learn from everything; I am generous with my time, I am positive minded, I like helping others, I respect the opinions of others; I have a strong work ethic, I am friendly and can humor myself; I am confident and well-spoken and just an everyday guy.

DBM: How long have you been married?

KWAM: We will be doing 16 years in October.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

KWAM: I wasn’t looking for much, just a woman who practices good hygiene, knows how to dress and talk, and carry herself well.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

KWAM: I was on my third date with her close friend. Her friend wanted that date to be at my house. She wanted to eat a home cooked meal. Doorbell rings and it was my wife. She had a letter in her hand for me from my date. She suggested her friend (my wife) would be the perfect match for me. It was awkward at first but it worked out.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

KWAM: No! My wife’s friend (the former second date) is my best friend. My wife is my closest friend. A healthy friendship developed between me and my wife and it has made a whole lot of difference in our lives.

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

KWAM: I asked her to marry me and she did not believe my proposal for two years. I was thinking she didn’t like me as much, but it turned out she wasn’t sure whether or not I was serious about marrying her.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

KWAM: Before she left my house after our first dinner meeting, I realized she’s frank and did not hide her feelings. She was also a good listener and she listened to me with interest; that was when I knew.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

KWAM: My wife is very attractive to me physically. I affirm her beauty whenever I see her. I am the best place my wife should feel needed, wanted, accepted loved and appreciated. When I look into my wife’s eyes, I am not in a hurry to look away.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

KWAM: I am always striving to understand my wife when we are in a deeper conversation. I pay attention to her during a conversation.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

KWAM: She’s a good wife. She knows we both come from two different upbringings and backgrounds, and that, I am my own individual, with flaws and any other mess. She respects our individual differences, so do I.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

KWAM: Till death…

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

KWAM: Most fun would be road trips with her.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

KWAM: I love my wife deeply every day. My love for her doesn’t swing.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

KWAM: I trust my wife. She has integrity.

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

KWAM: I am close to my wife even when I am busy. I call, text, email and video call all the time. When we are physically together, I am with her in the kitchen chitchatting, we spend time together as a family and alone, etc.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

KWAM: My wife is my safest emotional connection.

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

KWAM: I will do this marriage with her over again, any day. Our love is deep, strong and genuine.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

KWAM: Still married and spending more time together.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

KWAM: 14 times in a week. I like it in the mornings and evenings.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

KWAM: 5 out of 10. My desire for sex stays high but her appetite isn’t as high. I am patient with her though, as I try to meet her needs before my own.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

KWAM: I know I love my wife when I watch how I speak to her. I do not belittle, hurt, disrespect, humiliate or harm her in any way, be it in private or public.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

KWAM: She’s loving me well. My wife is very concerned about me too.

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

KWAM: I am a good husband to her.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

KWAM: Not yet.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart:

KWAM: Kwamyere, you have given me space to pursue what interests me. You have been a woman of your word and have followed through with your commitment at whatever cost. The wonderful woman you have grown to become has been a matter of time, age and experience; being my wife was a choice you made. I will continue to help you at home with the responsibilities; your problems will be my problems so we can continue to spread the weight of it evenly; I am sure of my love for you because my heart beats for you alone. You have made me the happiest man I could have ever imagined for myself. It’s a privilege to love you, it’s a privilege to laugh and cry with you. It’s a privilege to care for you; it’s a privilege to raise our children with you. It’s a privilege to share my life with you, run to you, talk to you, feel for you and be with you. It’s a privilege to give you me, every day, for the rest of our lives together.

Image Credit: Any Lane 

HUMBLING TO SAY THE LEAST

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 13: Ama.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

AMA: I take very good care of myself; I dress well, eat well, smell good: I am my own existence – I don’t expect another person to make me feel alive. I’m alive! I work hard, play hard, I am trusting and honest about my feelings.

DBM: How long have you been married?

AMA: For 10 years.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

AMA: A guy who is emotionally mature, enamored about me and is interested in my opinion. A guy who accepts me for who I am, provides for himself, lives on his own and can cook. A considerate and compassionate man, a man who isn’t overbearing, a positive influence on me. My husband fits all that.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

AMA: He found a letter I had thrown away somewhere and decided to call my number. The letter had my contact details. We became friends and I found him to be honorable. However, I was the ‘other woman’ and I didn’t know. He had told me he was divorced.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

AMA: He is my best friend; however, we do not spend all of our free time together. I believe in spending quality time with myself, away from my husband – to expand on my own self-growth. Before we married, he knew this about me so he has learned to do same.

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

AMA: Dave, I am a happy person oo, so a lot of the things I do around him makes him laugh. He cheers up at the sight of me. And I make it a point not to stress or burden him.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

AMA: When I found out that he wasn’t legally divorced, I ended things between us. His wife called me to explain the nature of their relationship. She confessed to being the one giving him a tough time in court. But confirmed that they have not been together for two years, and she wasn’t in love with him. I asked her why they were getting divorced and she said, he wasn’t the man meant to make her happy – though he is a wonderful guy. She asked me not to break things off between us if I loved him. How did the ex-wife get my number? He gave it to her to explain things to me because he was in love with me. That was when I knew. Also, his wife didn’t say anything bad about his character as man.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

AMA: Unless me and him have clearly agreed upon entering into a polyamorous relationship, he will be the only man I will be romantic and sexual with. Attractive he will be to me, no matter what.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

AMA: I listen to completely understand him.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

AMA: My husband is doing very well in his department. He does things for me naaa to know that he cares about me. He also pays attention to my needs, just as I do with him. Dave, my husband walks me to the car every morning to kiss me good bye, before going to work. We both work long hours but he makes me feel his presence in my life. I only feel his distance when he is troubled and wants to be alone. Even that, he would walk me to my car to kiss me goodbye.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

AMA: To love and to hold.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

AMA: When we take a walk out alone. We talk about a lot of funny, crazy things. I check men out on the street and size them to his hearing. He finds that attitude fun.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

AMA: I am enjoying my husband a lot.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

AMA: Unfortunately, no! No because you can’t truly trust any person. I believe in him and what he says to me, but my trust and hope is solely in God.

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

AMA: We understand our routine and make the most out of each day when we are together.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

AMA: Yes!

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

AMA: The marriage has been good for me so far. I don’t accept bad behavior of any sort. My husband respects me because he knows he may not get away with anything – like cheating, etc. I will divorce him. Before we married, I laid my cards on the table: do unto me that you would want done unto you. It’s that simple.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

AMA: Celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

AMA: Dave, I love foreplay waaaa, because it allows our sexual act to last longer. I take control during sex. My husband used to be very shy and so I was always taking the initiative. It’s now become something I enjoy doing with him. I enjoy oral sex for the stimuli (I am more of a clitorial person). Also, when I wrap my legs around him. We are emotionally intimate and connect with our eyes and hand-holding. My husband is open to explore all forms of sexual pleasure with me, so that’s really good.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

AMA: I will give him 8, because we can do better.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

AMA: Being content with the good that God has given me in my husband, and setting aside the unnecessary expectations of him. Love is loving him in the good and bad times; love is doing my best to be at peace with myself and him. Love is believing in the fact that – things will eventually get better between us. Love is being honest and true to myself and my husband.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

AMA: My husband is not openly that expressive but the little things he does for me shows how much he cares about me. So, yes, I am feeling loved in my marriage.

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

AMA: I believe I am.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

AMA: No! I am content with my husband. Contentment for a spouse can be a cure for the little things that come between two people in a relationship.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart:

AMA: Pee, of all the people you have met and connected with, you chose me to spend the rest of your remaining life with. It’s humbling to say the least, because I chose you too. I will be there for you when you need a friend. I will support you when you need a helping hand. Thank you for loving me good.

Image Credit: Gift Habeshaw

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