Tag: Marriage

Let’s Talk To Adelaide

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 77: Adelaide

DBM: Hi Adelaide. How would you describe yourself?

Adelaide: I feel all alone. I walk alone, and I have no one but myself and my children

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Adelaide: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Adelaide: I feel like I am not as pumped to make the most of my marriage

DBM: Why is that?

Adelaide: I am disappointed in my husband, and I am very scared of the future ahead of me if I continue to be married to him

DBM: How long have you been married?

Adelaide: Nine years

DBM: What is making you feel disappointed in him?

Adelaide: He is financially unstable. He has been making me pay the bills at home; he shares the payment of our children’s school fees with me. I am paying half of our rent. The amount he gives to feed the house every month is never enough. I am always topping up with so much, I am unable to save for my future.

DBM: Is he in that financial position to give more than he can afford?

Adelaide: He can do better, but he just refuses to. He thinks because I work and also earn enough, he can be miserly when it comes to money. What I am saying has absolutely nothing to do with marrying a man who is well-to-do, and can make like comfortable for me and our children. I am talking about marrying a real man who can handle financial responsibilities right.

DBM: I see

Adelaide: He doesn’t see the good in spending on his wife and children. He only spends when he wants to. He is not happy about anything in life; he complains about everything. Dave, I was very sick the other time and was taken to the hospital. They called my husband to inform him. When it was time for me to be discharged, he came to the ward, asking for my debit card PIN to settle my hospital bill. In other words, my sickness, my bill to pay. Meanwhile. I have been supporting him even in the worst of situations. He talks negative about some of my friends, and has become a negative atmosphere around me.

DBM: Has he always been like that, or he recently started playing smart?

Adelaide: I don’t have an answer to that question, because I am not sure when this person he’s become ever was. My marriage feels worse than before. I don’t have joy in me. He knows how to manipulate certain feelings and behaviors in me to his advantage.

DBM: Do you know what his priorities are?

Adelaide: His work, career and the children. Those are the goals superseding everything else in his life. He thinks he is superior to others who are not in his rank, and has little or no respect for other people’s feelings. My husband is selfish even if he has money.

DBM: I am terribly sorry about this

Adelaide: If I had known this was what I was going to sign up for, I would have avoided him at all cost.

DBM: What do you see in your marriage, three to five years from now?

Adelaide: Misery

DBM: My guess is, your husband is also thinking you are part to blame for whatever is the unsolved problem (s) in your marriage

Adelaide: Dave, when we argue, I am able to point out his actions that hurt my feelings to his face. He has never been bold to tell me, I did this or that, that is why he does this or that in return. In fact, the more I have gotten focused on our marriage, the less he has. I have done things to make him feel loved and cared about. All he does is to enjoy the benefits without lifting a finger, and it’s leaving me drained and vulnerable. At this moment, I am getting sick and tired of him.

DBM: Do you think you are in a toxic marriage?

Adelaide: I would say it’s 50% toxic, and 100% unhappy

DBM: When you search from deep within, do you recognize any part you might have played to turn your husband into this inconsiderate person he’s become?

Adelaide: I wish I knew. On our wedding reception, he told everyone he had married the best woman in the world.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Adelaide: I don’t!

DBM: Why?

Adelaide: He lies a lot. And that has been detrimental to our marriage.

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Adelaide: My heart used to surge at the sight of him. Now, I cannot be so sure because I’ve started to check out. I am feeling very hurt, and I want to know what to do. If I can leave this marriage without my children hating me, Dave, trust me; I’d do it.

DBM: Assuming your husband is going to chance on this conversation when published, what would you want him to know?

Adelaide: I feel neglected when you care more about your phone than what I have to say. I feel neglected when you care more about your work than spending time with me. I get frustrated when all you want is sex, and not intimacy with me. I don’t ignore your attempts for sex; I don’t upset you or create frustrations in our marriage; I don’t fake being asleep when you want sex; I don’t say, ‘I’m not feeling well’ when you want sex. I do not avoid you, yet you only do something for me when you want sex. Whenever I raise a serious concern, you immediately have an excuse to throw back without taking responsibility for anything.

DBM: Do you see your marriage to be broken?

Adelaide: Yes

DBM: And, do you see you and your husband, devoted enough to want to resolve what could be broken?

Adelaide: I know I am

DBM: You have more influence in your marriage than you think

Image Credit: Alex Green

Let’s Talk To Eloise

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 76: Call me Eloise

DBM: Hello Eloise. How would you describe yourself?

Eloise: Married, mother and a banker. I have a kind heart.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Eloise: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Eloise: My husband wants me to get my tubes tied, meanwhile I am not done having children. We have just two boys, and I want a girl. We discussed children and how I feel about them when we were dating. He knows it is an emotional conversation for me due to the circumstances surrounding my upbringing. I want to have a large family of my own because I grew up as an only child. We are both in good financial standing to raise as many children we want; he knows how important it is for me to have a girlchild. He is being unreasonable, and so I have challenged him to go get a vasectomy instead, because I will not undergo tubal ligation at my age. This is not the best decision I want for me and my body.

DBM: How old are you?

Eloise: 34

DBM: And, for how long have you two been married?

Eloise: Five years

DBM: What did he say when you suggested he rather got snipped?

Eloise: He wouldn’t hear it

DBM: Why?

Eloise: He fears it would hinder his sex drive.

DBM: But I hear vasectomy only makes you infertile, and not impotent

Eloise: So, he can have erections and have sex and ejaculate, right?

DBM: Yes. He will still produce sperm. Just that it wouldn’t leave his body in the semen form.

Eloise: In as much as I love my husband, I will not tie my tubes for any man. What if he dies? And the man I marry next wants to have children with me? I will not risk it. He should get vasectomy to make him humble.

DBM: One of my best friends got her tubes tied after her ex-husband insisted, she did because they had had all their children in the marriage. The man got another woman pregnant before my friend even divorced him.

Eloise: Seriously?

DBM: Seriously! And the truth is, your fallopian tubes are not tied into some cute little crossbow during this procedure. Nope! It’s either part or all of your tubes are blocked, cut or removed.

Eloise: They say it can be reversed, right?

DBM: I don’t know. According to another friend who did it but later tried to undo it with surgery, it was next to impossible. This is what I can say from the two experiences of my friends; it is not always possible to have it reversed. And assuming they even manage to surgically undo it, it would not guarantee pregnancy. So, before agreeing to your husband’s demands, be sure you do not have any plans on having children.

Eloise: Thank you David, this is very helpful.

DBM: Again, I may be wrong.

Eloise: You are not wrong. The examples of your friends just made my point.

DBM: Does your husband want children?

Eloise: Of course. It’s every man’s dream

DBM: Not mine

Eloise: You don’t want children?

DBM: I love children, and I believe I am great with them but I am the type that never wanted to have one of my own, because I naturally don’t want people around me. Two is a lot of crowds for me. Anyways, back to my question: does your husband want children? Is it a conversation he willingly participated in and directly expressed interest in while dating, or you’re just assuming on him?

Eloise: I think he doesn’t mind a child of his own. He loves our boys from all indications.

DBM: Why do you want a girl?

Eloise: I will bond with a daughter better. I will understand her feelings. My dream is also to get the opportunity to dress her like the princess I know she would be. I didn’t get to experience a true relationship with my mother.

DBM: So, in other words, you want to re-do your childhood with your daughter?

Eloise: And more

DBM: And fix yourself and your traumas by starting afresh with a mini you, you mean?

Eloise: Something like that.

DBM: You don’t bond with your sons?

Eloise: I do, but it’s not the same. Secondly, my sons enrage me for no reason. I love them, but I wished for at least, one girl between the two. I want to leave this world knowing I left a better version of myself behind through a daughter.

DBM: You think a girl is more of value than a boy?

Eloise: I don’t think that. I just… I want to have a bouncing baby girl. That will make me very happy in my marriage.

DBM: How many kids did you two plan on having before agreeing to marriage?

Eloise: I told him four, but he wanted one

DBM: Why did he want one?

Eloise: He said he wanted to enjoy me and the marriage for the first three or four years before having kids.

DBM: When did you have your first son?

Eloise: Before our first wedding anniversary

DBM: What is your priority now?

Eloise: I don’t understand your question

DBM: What is the most important thing in your life right now?

Eloise: For now, it’s all about my children.

DBM: Where does your husband fit in your priorities?

Eloise: He is there somewhere important.

DBM: Why isn’t your marriage the first priority?

Eloise: Dave, marriage comes with a lot of responsibilities. Children are one of them

DBM: Are you not unconsciously dishonoring your commitment to your husband? You made vows to him on your wedding day, not to your children.

Eloise: I do my wifely duties. He will testify

DBM: What are your wifely duties?

Eloise: David Bondze-Mbir

DBM: Yes please

Eloise: My marriage is sorted. Let’s not go there

DBM: I will respect that. But let me say what I wanted to say; prioritizing your relationship with your husband is the best investment in your children. Your boys will one day grow up and leave the house to start with their own lives. Hopefully, by then, you would not be a stranger to your husband.

Eloise: I sleep and wake up next to my husband. We will never be strangers.

DBM: Okay! I am glad you feel you’re not losing your footing.

Eloise: Are you done?

DBM: I am done.

Image Credit: William Fortunato

Let’s Talk To Ida

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 75: My name is Ida

DBM: Hi Ida! How would you describe yourself?

Ida: I am a passionate, down-to-earth lady, with a husband, children and a past.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ida: I am 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ida: As a young girl, I dreamt of being swept off my feet by a powerful man with deep pockets and love for me. I lean more towards wealthy men by default, no matter how ugly. In fact, a man with good money could bed me, because I am a desirable woman. I’ve been married to one such guy for the past 12 years, and I have a stable family life right now – though I know he has had continuous sexual relationships on the side.

DBM: Does this bother you?

Ida: Not at all.

DBM: Okay!

Ida: When it comes to love, I make it my own. 13 years ago, I loved three different men for different reasons. I was not sleeping with any them because I had friend-zoned them in a way. The one I was very much in love with was struggling financially. Unfortunately, he was the one who proposed marriage to me first. The response I had in my head was an overwhelming ‘No’, but I couldn’t stand the thought of breaking his heart just like that, and so I asked for time to think into his proposal. Okay, so I had this best girlfriend that I grew up with. She knew about the ins and outs of my dating life. I knew about hers too with other men. She had always believed the guy who proposed marriage to me first was a good man, and could make the perfect husband. She knew about the other rich men I was crushing on, and deeply cared about or admired in some way; she liked them for me but still preferred the struggling guy. Nine months passed and I hadn’t given him any response. I was waiting to see if the other two would step up and propose. Dave, I was at work one afternoon when I received a wedding invitation from my best friend; she and the guy who proposed to me first had set a date.

DBM: They were dating?

Ida: Apparently, she had told the guy I had two rich men on the side

DBM: You had two rich men on the side

Ida: But it wasn’t her place to tell; especially after knowing how much I cared about him.

DBM: Were you ever going to consider his proposal?

Ida: Dave, men are supposed to be providers. A broke man has no business marrying. I am not saying he has to be super wealthy; though, that wouldn’t hurt. A man with good financial aptitude can function at a certain level as a husband to his wife. That was the reason why I couldn’t accept his proposal then. I needed him to add some value to his manhood. A woman’s intuition can navigate through a man’s financial drive

DBM: What was his drive?

Ida: It was very low on appetite. I needed more to feel secure. Dave, life then was tough enough for me, and I wasn’t sure I could support a grown man.

DBM: Was he a lazy guy?

Ida: He wasn’t. He was very hardworking, though in-between jobs

DBM: Okay!

Ida: I cut all ties between me and them when the guy confirmed their engagement. Luckily for me, one of the rich guys asked for my hand in marriage, and the rest they say is history. Three weeks ago, I received a LinkedIn request to connect with him. Mind you, I have not spoken to this guy nor his wife since 2011. He asked for my number and called. He said he needed my help and wanted us to meet face to face. I suggested he passed by my office. When he entered and closed the door behind him, he starred me down without breaking eye contact. I couldn’t look away either, though I was very nervous. He walked straight to me, asked for a hug, and then kissed me with a lot of tongue. Something about that kiss froze time. Dave, it was hot, passionate, unexpected, and has stayed with me since he left.

DBM: What kind of help did he want?

Ida: He needed help to sort out his feelings.

DBM: What feelings?

Ida: He says I never left him.

DBM: What does that mean?

Ida: I don’t know!

DBM: What work does he do now?

Ida: Oh, he’s doing very well – I am impressed. He earns almost twice the amount I make a month. Dave, I make pretty good money

DBM: Prior to the kiss, did you have feelings for him?

Ida: I did. I do.

DBM: I see

Ida: To the extent of thinking of him fucking me while having sex with my husband

DBM: You love him that much?

Ida: “You never left me.” That’s what he said.

DBM: Awww!

Ida: He has three adorable children with his wife, and I know they are very happy together – because I’ve been checking them out on their progress over the years on Facebook.

DBM: My guess is, he’s been doing same

Ida: You think?

DBM: I can only speak from my experience when it comes to love and how it connects weirdly. You would be there minding your business, and then this sudden energetic, meaningful warmth would flash your thoughts about your beloved. Something about them that puts a smile on your face or heart for no reason. A minute or two later, you receive a text notification on phone from them, thinking about or missing on you.

Ida: I have never experienced that with my husband. He calls randomly to tell me he misses or loves me. I respond but it’s usually just to make him happy. I don’t feel it as he does.

DBM: If the bond between you and the other guy is genuine, then there is this bridge you two built in the past that still connects your love, joy and understanding of each other. My guess is, you both had been sending positive energy back and forth to each other, prior to your physical and emotional bond (kiss) in your office.

Ida: I never stopped loving him. I never got over him, and I am looking forward to meeting with him again.

DBM: Are you planning on meeting again?

Ida: This weekend

DBM: I see

Ida: I don’t know what I am doing. Can your followers on Facebook help me think through this before Saturday?

DBM: Love comes and goes, Ida. Love changes over time too. I know about some loves that nourished or weakened. Others too completely vanished, only to come back again, later on, for another round.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Frema

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 72: I choose Frema

DBM: Hello Frema. How would you describe yourself?

Frema: I am a wife, mother and business woman.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Frema: I’m 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Frema: I think my husband committed a heinous crime a few years ago and he’s getting away with it because he thinks no one knows.

DBM: You think or you know?

Frema: I know

DBM: How do you know?

Frema: I found an old phone he hasn’t used in years stashed in one of his boxes. I bought a sim card from another network to use as my other number and found text messages between him and the husband of a friend, plotting the crime, and acknowledging execution of it.

DBM: I am tempted to ask about the nature of the crime but I don’t want to also get so much involved – if it’s what I’m thinking

Frema: It’s the gravest of all crimes, Dave.

DBM: For how long have you known about your husband’s crime?

Frema: Some months now, but I have been trying to act normal at home; like I don’t know anything. I don’t know if it’s working because it’s creating this friction between us. I am not able to freely love him like I used to. I am tensed sometimes, and would be reading into his every action around me.

DBM: Do you know anything about the victim?

Frema: Not much. All I have is a name in their conversation.

DBM: What is going through your mind right now?

Frema: From all indications, whatever happened, happened in the past. Should I be judging a man by his past actions?

DBM: By ‘past actions’, do you mean the crime or mistakes committed?

Frema: It’s one and the same or?

DBM: I do not think it’s the same. What’s your honest opinion about your husband’s character?

Frema: He has a dodgy character; no two-ways about that. But unfortunately for me, I had fallen in love with him – years before finding out all these. We have children together.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Frema: 40%. I’d say he cares about his children and their needs. He does his best for the home. I can’t take that fact away from him. He is a family man. But he’s also manipulated me into forgiving certain things he’s done outside the marriage to make me not trust him.

DBM: A crime is different from an affair. You can forgive an affair but there is no excuse for letting criminals run free

Frema: He is the father of my children. I cannot have him apprehended just like that. That’s the dilemma conflicting my thoughts

DBM: Who else knows about this secret?

Frema: The wife of the other man my husband plotted the crime with

DBM: Have you two discussed the way forward?

Frema: She’s been suggesting we confront our husbands with the text evidence

DBM: To activate their criminal instincts again or what? Will you two be in a safe space if you’re to confront them?

Frema: I don’t know!

DBM: Has she a copy of the texts?

Frema: No! She only read it on the phone when we met to discuss the issue. The phone is in my possession.

DBM: I see

Frema: Does the marriage vow include being loyal to a criminal? I love my husband though

DBM: If the crime is exactly what you’re indirectly painting to my mind’s eye, then I don’t think it’s wise to cover up for him.

Frema: What if he’s a changed man? We all deserve a second chance at life

DBM: The law, I understand is on your side if you do not tolerate his crime, be it past or present

Frema: What I am saying is, I cannot raise and provide for our children all by myself if he’s to be locked up.

DBM: I understand you

Frema: My concern is my friend. She’s still in shock and contemplating on reporting her husband to the authorities. Their marriage was already on a shaky ground, so you can imagine what this extra information is causing her to do. She’s told me she would be filing for divorce.

DBM: A husband’s past crime is a solid grounding for divorce. These were acts that you had no role or knowledge of till recently.

Frema: I want to protect my husband

DBM: I respect your decision

Frema: Dave, when you love someone, you’d do anything and everything possible to protect their best interest, even if it means me giving up common sense in order to keep him safe

DBM: How about the victim’s family? Don’t they deserve justice for their loved one?

Frema: In a situation like mine, everything about this conversation is wrong, but it’s also worth it protecting the father of my children.

DBM: Do you want my honest opinion?

Frema: Yeah

DBM: Many of the marriages and love relationships I know of, have been wrecked by issues that disguised themselves as inconsequential. A lot of serious matters do not appear nor feel damaging simply because we choose not to view them in that light. That, is the danger I fear for you, Frema. You’re choosing not to recognize a criminal past as a threat to your marriage, family and sanity – and because of that, you’re refusing to stay on your guard. Someday, your husband or his friend would sniff the hint, and it would be too late for either of you to do the right thing.

Frema: My husband will not harm me.

DBM: I hope you are right

Frema: My husband will not harm me

DBM: Just note that, there are negative repercussions to every decision made in favor of a person prone to any form of criminal activity.

Frema: I agree with you

DBM: Seriously do consider how your decision ultimately affects your marriage and most importantly, your mental health.

Frema: I will. Thank you, David

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Shvets Production

Let’s Talk To Gabe

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 68: Gabe

DBM: Hello Gabe. How would you describe yourself?

Gabe: A single parent

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Gabe: 7-ish

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Gabe: I have two friends that are really good to me. One is my Senior Secondary School sweetheart. She was my first love. I have realized that my feelings for her never went away. The second lady was the best friend of my late wife. My wife died 14 months after we married. She left behind our son, whom I have raised all by myself since 2016. My son adores my late wife’s best friend the most, because he bonds with her daughter. They were born the same day, and at the same hospital. They attend the same school and often spend the weekends and holidays in her house or mine. My SSS sweetheart divorced her husband after she realized I was single, and that, we still had feelings for one another. Both ladies are my soul mates; they bring something different in me – which I like very much when I am with each of them. I love the man I become when I am with them. I want to consider marriage and I am confused as to which of the ladies to choose. My son’s favorite is his best friend’s mother. He already addresses her as ‘mummy’. She’s also a single parent. My favorite lady, however, is my SSS sweetheart.

DBM: Okay?

Gabe: I don’t know what to do

DBM: Are you having sex with both ladies?

Gabe: I am. They’re good in bed

DBM: Do they know they are two of them in your life?

Gabe: No, but they have an idea of my friendship with the two of them

DBM: Are you in an exclusive relationship with them?

Gabe: No. I am not dating them officially. It’s the friends-with-benefit kind of situation

DBM: They both understand that is all there is to it?

Gabe: I think so

DBM: But they would want to be in a serious commitment with you?

Gabe: Yes.

DBM: Why is your high school sweetheart your favorite?

Gabe: She gave me an assurance

DBM: Which was?

Gabe: Leaving her marriage to come and be with me, which she did.

DBM: What do you really like about the other lady?

Gabe: She reminds me of my wife.

DBM: And, is that a good or bad thing?

Gabe: It’s good news

DBM: What kind of woman are you looking for in a wife?

Gabe: The two represent everything beautiful I am seeking in a wife

DBM: But you need to make a choice, no?

Gabe: I am in love with both ladies. I know they love me too, Dave. I was thinking I would marry one and secretly continue with the other.

DBM: How about coming clean about your feelings to the both of them?

Gabe: I can’t

DBM: Why not?

Gabe: Because I lied to them once when they asked at different times whether I was messing around with the other

DBM: Why did you lie about it?

Gabe: I didn’t want to hurt their feelings

DBM: The respect a man places on a woman, and the valor and maturity he presents in telling her the truth, looking beyond his present circumstances, looking beyond his desires and wants and needs, is the absolute measure of his true character as a person.

Gabe: I am a good man in love with two women.

DBM: Are you under any pressure to marry soon?

Gabe: No, but I would wish to be married by the end of the year

DBM: Give yourself time to choose. Let them know you are dating other women too

Gabe: It wouldn’t be fair to one. She left her marriage for me

DBM: Did you ask her to?

Gabe: No, but I didn’t stop her either when she told me about her decision.

DBM: Both ladies are mature. If you’re to ask any one of them to make a life decision about choosing you as their husband, at least, you owe it to them to choose in full knowledge of all the facts, no?

Gabe: I don’t want to hurt one’s feelings

DBM: Relationships are always risky. It might or not work out somehow, and we’re supposed to take responsibility for our actions when it comes to love.

Gabe: My son will be very happy if I marry the woman he adores. Do I consider his happiness in all this?

DBM: How important is your son to you?

Gabe: He’s my everything

DBM: Even more than the women you’re chasing?

Gabe: He is the love of my life

DBM: Good, because the relationship he has with you is what is setting the template for how he is to relate to every other person in his life and yours.

Gabe: I know

DBM: So, put yourself in his shoes. Which of the women would you have preferred?

Gabe: But do you understand the dilemma I find myself in?

DBM: I do. I am just trying to also put myself in the shoes of the women. If I were to be dating you, I would already know at the back of my head that, anything at all could happen for us not to be together. I would know you are capable of not choosing me; you’re capable of hurting my feelings. But then, I would prefer you rather end things with me in all honesty than a lie. These are your friends, meaning, you genuinely care about them. Why not allow them the dignity of knowing the actual truth about your decision?

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

Let’s Talk To Damian and Lololi

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 66: I am Damian. My wife’s name is Lololi. We want to participate individually in one segment

DBM: Hello Damian and Lololi. How would you describe yourselves?

Damian: I am tall, dark and handsome. I work for what I have, that’s why my accomplishments taste even sweeter. My wife can attest to this: I confidently hold the floor with exceptional footwork to dance my heart out. I am 59 years, slightly stubborn, but a great dad and husband. My best attribute is randomly having to woo my wife

Lololi: Dam is right about one thing; he’s got crazy dance moves. I am 56 years young, thriving professionally and my own woman. I do not have it all, but I have a bit of everything a woman dreams of. Always been independent; I am a picky eater, I can take silly jokes, and have the basic understanding of time. I can hold a conversation about almost anything with anyone, and I take very good care of my body.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Damian: I am 8

Lololi: 7 for me

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Damian: Our 25-year wedding anniversary is this July. I want to talk about my wife and how far we have come

Lololi: I have fallen in and out of love with my husband for the past 25 years. I want to share how I have been able to keep my part of the marriage going when I was out of love

DBM: How did you meet?

Damian: My wife is my ex-girlfriend’s best friend. My cousin had come to Ghana for a short visit, and had asked my then ex, if she knew of any single friends to go on a date with him. It was my third date with her friend. She talked me into agreeing to a double date with my wife and his cousin. That was how we met and decided to make the swap

Lololi: One of my best friends was trying to facilitate a hookup between me and Dam’s favorite cousin. We went on a double date and it was my first time meeting my husband. My friend had told me about Damian, because their relationship was just two weeks old. She had told me she liked him but wasn’t sure he was her type. I remember she once told me; her date was the type I liked. There was a live band playing and Dam asked me to dance with him to my surprise. I agreed to the dance not expecting to like him. My friend was okay with the idea. His cousin, who was supposed to be my date for the evening, danced with my friend, and I actually saw them exchanging numbers. We were on opposite sides, and Dam asked if I was going to have to see his cousin again. His cousin walked to us and told Dam, he felt he had a lot in common with his date. He asked for his permission to date his woman, and he agreed, because he actually felt there was an ongoing chemistry between us.

DBM: Damian, how far had you gone sexually with your ex-date prior to the double date?

Damian: We hadn’t gotten to that stage yet. Our relationship was still fresh

DBM: Where is your cousin and the lady now?

Damian: They’re in Canada, married with children

DBM: At what point did you both know you were meant to be?

Damian: Marriage had always been a huge commitment to undertake. I love to have a lot of fun, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to spend the rest of my life with just one woman. My wife gave me the freedom to express my fears and concerns, without the feeling of judgement. Our friendship was such that, she did not place a demand to make me afraid of losing her. She realized I liked girls a lot, so she gave me the liberty to date other women before settling on one. Unfortunately for me, anytime I was out with another woman, and need to say I went out with a lot, I was always thinking about Lololi. That was when I knew I would rather hang out with her than anyone else. Because I was calling her every evening and sharing every little detail about my day with her.

Lololi: I fell in love with Dam because he is kind and compassionate, very funny and would put me first. I knew he was the man for me because he was taking up a major real space in my mind. I craved for his presence, and did not want happiness for just myself, but for him too. I could confidently trust in my decision to want to be with him, and how he made me feel.

DBM: What were some of your talking points before tying the knot?

Damian: For me, money is everything when it comes to a relationship. Before we married, we had a heart to heart talk on how to prioritize our spending habits. We discussed the sharing of expenses. The second important conversation was about sex. I have entered a relationship in the past because of sex; I have left a relationship because of lack of sex. My overall quality of life looks balanced because I have a lot of good sex.

Lololi: I brought up the topic of children. Luckily for us, we both wanted to have kids. We talked about the possibility of struggling to get pregnant, and agreed on what to do as a team if that happened to us. I am not sexually closed minded, and so we’ve enjoyed a healthy sex life. I told him about my dealbreakers and explained why I wasn’t bothered about him dating different women before deciding to marry me. In marriage, I demand for faithfulness; no secret affairs or relationships. I also requested for a collaboration in exploring different ways to be intimate with me.

DBM: What was the most special part of your wedding celebration?

Damian: When we hit the dancefloor at the reception. All that dancing and laughter was a lot of fun

Lololi: The exchange of vows was my special takeaway. He looked into my eyes with every promise he made

DBM: What has been the most challenging time over the years in your marriage?

Damian: The first nine years were tough on us because we couldn’t have children. I began to question everything and forgot about the agreement I made with my wife. Those were lonely times

Lololi: I found out my husband was having an affair. I rented an apartment close to my workplace, and left him alone in the house for a year. Three months out, I was pregnant with his child. The pregnancy saved my sanity, because I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I had our first son while separated. My son gave me focus, and made me laugh and smile again. Dam swore on the life of our little boy, never to cheat on me again. The promise of fidelity is an important part of my marriage, and true happiness occurs when you are with the right person who respects your value enough to not want to take the risk of hurting or losing you by doing something utterly stupid.

DBM: What are you proudest of as a couple?

Damian: I am proud of my ability to choose monogamy as my lifestyle. It has helped me to form an honest commitment to just my wife. I have found fulfilment in my wife, marriage and family

Lololi: I had to learn how to forgive Dam, at a point where I couldn’t. I prayed to God for a heart like His, so I could do the right thing for my family. Forgiveness has been my proudest moment.

DBM: What does marriage mean to you?

Damian: Giving our relationship the best chance to thrive and succeed.

Lololi: Marriage has inspired me to love myself the most. It’s been my guide to set stronger boundaries to protect my sanity and what serves me. I am not defined by the fact that we are a ‘we’ in this union. I own my voice, actions and opinions, and have been true to myself for the past 25 years.

DBM: You have the last word

Damian: It’s easy to take your spouse for granted if you’re with them all the time. My marriage is better now because I have come to accept that, not everyday will be perfect; not every day will even feel great, and that has to be okay with me.

Lololi: A woman should not give up control over her decisions, just to get married or date a man. Being in love is not the main event of your entire life, so do not see the world through the eyes of the man you love by buying every excuse given you hook, line and sinker. Connect with your inner voice, connect with your passion and dreams, connect with your energy and strength; connect with all of your feelings, especially with anger. Do not leave your sense of self behind so you can make others happy.

Image Credit: Korede Adenola

Let’s Talk To Marc

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 5 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 65: Call me Marc

DBM: Hello Marc. How would you describe yourself?

Marc: A family man; husband to my wife, father to my children.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Marc: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Marc: My wife has not returned to the house since Thursday of January 12th this year. Suddenly, I am my kids only parent.

DBM: How many children do you have?

Marc: I have two wonderful kids

DBM: Do you know where your wife is?

Marc: No, but she speaks to me and the kids on phone sometimes

DBM: Do you know when she would be returning home?

Marc: She says she needs some time alone

DBM: How are the kids managing in her absence?

Marc: My son says she was at their school the Thursday afternoon, to inform them about her decision to go away. She bought phones for them and have been calling and sending them money.

DBM: How old are your children?

Marc: 11 and 9

DBM: What are your in-laws telling you?

Marc: Nothing. They do not know where she is

DBM: Does your wife have a job?

Marc: She resigned before the 12th of January

DBM: Did you know?

Marc: I found out from her employers on the 13th of January, when I went to her workplace.

DBM: Do you know why she’s taken off?

Marc: Apparently, she told my children before leaving that she had been trying to convince herself that she was happy being with me when she was not.

DBM: She speaks with you sometimes, no?

Marc: Yes

DBM: What has she told you?

Marc: She’s leaving the marriage

DBM: Is this a conversation you’ve both had, prior to January 12?

Marc: Yes, and I made it clear I wasn’t in agreement. I love my wife, and will be willing to do anything to save our marriage

DBM: In your opinion, is your marriage working?

Marc: My marriage is just like any other relationship; there is nothing perfect about it. I am equally paying the tough price in order to create and maintain a happy home for us.

DBM: Do you think you could be struggling with accepting that, maybe, something isn’t working in your marriage – and that could be the reason why your wife had to walk away?

Marc: Massa, no relationship is easy. Even the best of marriages have issues in there that they deal with daily. We have our issues to work out, and I have been here, willing to talk it out. I have made a lot of sacrifices and changes – just to accommodate my wife

DBM: Why is your wife unhappy?

Marc: That’s the question she’s refusing to answer. She once told me she feels alone and trapped, and that, it wasn’t about me.

DBM: Do you think she found herself in a relationship that was a wrong fit?

Marc: Dave, marriage is like having a second good job. Most great jobs may pay well but that doesn’t mean they’re comfortable and easy. Whenever I get home, I know I am entering into my second, full-time job. I take off work and put on family. I roll up my sleeves and start working on what needs to be done

DBM: Like?

Marc: Giving my wife a hug or kiss, asking about her day, checking on the children and asking about their day; eating if there is food etc. My wife is my best friend, and truly one of the best human beings alive

DBM: Are you her best friend?

Marc: I’d want to believe so. She treats me right, even though I realized she was drifting apart as at last year.

DBM: What do you think your wife feels is missing in your marriage?

Marc: I don’t think I know

DBM: Do you know what she is searching for that she couldn’t possibly find in you?

Marc: Maybe, a new man. That could be my only answer. I am a good man Dave

DBM: I don’t doubt that. Question is, why couldn’t your good self be enough for her?

Marc: Can I ask you a question?

DBM: Ask away

Marc: Do you believe in marriage?

DBM: I do

Marc: How would you know your person is enough for you?

DBM: When I am not putting more of my effort into making the relationship work than I am enjoying being with my partner (who would/should qualify as the love of my life)

Marc: David, how do you know someone is the love of your life?

DBM: I just would know.

Marc: How?

DBM: I am supposed to be asking you the questions

Marc: Bruv, we’re having a chat to help me understand things from a different perspective

DBM: When I do not have to wonder where my relationship with you is heading; when I do not have to question whether or not you care about me, because I would already know how much you love me. This is due to the fact that you step up every day in your actions to make it clear to me that, you want me in your life, just as I am

Marc: Hmmm!

DBM: What is your intuition telling you?

Marc: My wife is not in love with me, and I am the one forcing her to stay with me

DBM: Do you see your wife happy with you?

Marc: I can make her happy

DBM: I believe you can, but is she in awe of you as her man?

Marc: I don’t think so

DBM: Do you believe she knows you’re a good man?

Marc: She does

DBM: Good is just not good enough for some people. I see marriage to be for one’s pleasure

Marc: My wife is my greatest pleasure

DBM: Are you her greatest pleasure? These are some of the questions you need to ask. She may be making you happy but you clearly aren’t her definition of happiness

Marc: We’ve done almost 13 years of marriage

DBM: Letting go can sometimes feel impossible, especially when you do not have much about someone or something to complain about. But it’s the right thing to do to let go, if your wife feels lonely and caged with you in her life.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To Awo

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 55: I choose Awo

DBM: Hello Awo. How would you describe yourself?

Awo: I’ve been through a lot, but I think I am strong – stronger than I know

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Awo: My husband used to grow his left-little finger. He kept it rounded, polished and clean. It used to be really cute, till he accidentally poked my right eye during sex. My retina tore and fluid came out of my eye. My right eye practically opened, and the rest is history. I lost my vision for the right eye, even after undergoing surgery.

DBM: Oh, my goodness!

Awo: The pain I had to endure for months… Hmmm!

DBM: I can only imagine.

Awo: The incident made me hate my husband for all the wrong reasons. I developed a lot of negative feelings towards him, I was not exactly sure why. I wouldn’t let him touch or even get close to me for almost a year.

DBM: I can understand

Awo: Here is the other thing, I’ve had a fallout with my mother-in-law.

DBM: Why?

Awo: She doesn’t like me

DBM: Why?

Awo: Because her son married me. She’s been against our relationship for the longest time. She had the ‘perfect’ lady-in-waiting to date her son, but he wasn’t interested in her. My mother-in-law thinks I ‘stole’ her son from the woman she approved of.

DBM: Did you come between them?

Awo: I did not

DBM: Okay! How long have you been married?

Awo: Nine years. We’ve been blessed with a boy and a girl

DBM: That’s great!

Awo: You realize I’ve still not told you why I am in your inbox?

DBM: Why are you in my inbox?

Awo: Dave, I try to avoid any form of conflict as possible. I abhor fights, and I am always careful not to get into arguments with people. But my mother-in-law wouldn’t hear it. She’s had a problem with me since the beginning of time. The annoying part is, anytime she feels like visiting my husband at home, she comes unannounced and uninvited. Actually, I don’t even have a problem with her being here. The children love to have their grandma around. My husband, however, finds an excuse every time his mother arrives – to be less available to her at home. He expects me to bond with a woman he knows doesn’t like me.

DBM: How do you relate with her when she’s around?

Awo: We don’t really talk

DBM: You at least, greet her, no?

Awo: I used to, but she wouldn’t respond and so I stopped.

DBM: And, your children are a witness to this?

Awo: She tells them that I don’t respect her. Dave, it’s a long story.

DBM: I see

Awo: So, in one of our arguments two weeks ago, she made fun of my right eye. She did not know it was her son who caused it, and so I angrily rubbed it in her face, and I think I went overboard to insult her. I threw her things out and sacked her from my house. She stood outside the gate till my husband got home. He wanted to bring her in but she insisted on leaving. And mind you, it was late. Dave, I cannot forget the look of sadness that crossed my husband’s face when his mother started to cry.

DBM: You felt bad about it?

Awo: Yeah, but it wasn’t because his mother was crying.

DBM: What was it then?

Awo: Because I told her he poked my eye. We had agreed not to inform her, due to the toxic relationship between us.

DBM: Why was his mother crying?

Awo: I don’t know

DBM: I see

Awo: I heard my husband talking to a woman on phone, asking if he could bring his mother over for the night. He drove his mother to wherever, and returned home after 12 am. I pretended to be asleep till he started snoring. I checked the call history on his phone, and checked his conversations with the lady he had sent his mum to on WhatsApp.

DBM: What prompted you to do this?

Awo: It was a raw, gut feeling I had, suggesting to me to check his phone. You men may never understand. My internal feeling was telling me something wasn’t right the moment I heard him talking on phone with the other woman outside. Even before I found out that they had been having an affair. There wasn’t much conversation between them as at two weeks ago, because he had been deleting all of their chats. He probably forgot to clear their chats that day because of the altercation between his mother and I.

DBM: How did you feel after what you discovered on his phone?

Awo: Dave, it ruins everything between us.

DBM: Hmmm!

Awo: I am still considering what to do

DBM: It’s always better to make a considered decision, rather than an impulsive one

Awo: If only you knew what is going through my mind right now

DBM: Did you confront him?

Awo: I did, and he is using my issue with his mother to score a stupid point.

DBM: What is going through your mind?

Awo: I want to do something to hit him where it hurts.

DBM: Something like what?

Awo: He breaks my eye and still thinks he has the license to cheat on me?

DBM: Awo

Awo: What?

DBM: This is your anger speaking

Awo: He has hurt me. I will hurt him back

DBM: Treat yourself kindly and consider walking away from what you know isn’t the right thing to do

Awo: What would you have done if you were in my shoes?

DBM: I don’t know what I would have done

Awo: He has a beautiful family with me, and he tells his mother all the time. Why would he risk so much by cheating on me?

DBM: Do you know his motivation for going outside the marriage?

Awo: He says it started when I distanced myself from him for a year after poking my eye.

DBM: He could have found a better way to deal with your silent treatment. I know a lot of guys who have told me that, they can still love their wives and want to have sex with other women.

Awo: And they feel they can get away with it? How inconsiderate can a man be, huh? Don’t you people feel guilty?

DBM: Even if there is a feeling of guilt, it wouldn’t be because of the stray sex. Your husband probably has been contemplating on the consequences, like you finding out about it someday.

Image Credit: Diva Plavalaguna

Let’s Talk To Ian

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 54: Ian

DBM: Hi Ian. How would you describe yourself?

Ian: I am positive-minded, very open and I make the effort to live my life as best as I can. I am a sweet guy, fit, free-spirited and very adventurous. I am a father of three, a husband, and funny. I make my friends laugh a lot.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ian: I had an affair and confessed to my wife. She didn’t get angry after hearing me out. The dawn of the day I confessed, she woke me up to confess to her own affair. Mine had gone on for eight months and I have ended things between me and the other woman. My wife has been seeing her guy for two years, and it’s still ongoing. I don’t understand why she could do this to me.

DBM: How long have been married?

Ian: We are 12 years, Dave.

DBM: And, throughout the 12 years, was the eight months encounter your first affair?

Ian: No!

DBM: When did you start being with other women since you met your wife?

Ian: I have been with a few

DBM: How many is a few?

Ian: Maybe, five or six women.

DBM: Did your wife know about these other ladies?

Ian: No!

DBM: That is, to the best of your knowledge, no?

Ian: Yes! But I don’t think she knew; she would have confronted me.

DBM: Okay! Why were you cheating on your wife?

Ian: The other women provided a part of my needs that weren’t being met in my marriage.

DBM: What kinds of needs?

Ian: Dave, I was simply doing what felt good at that moment.

DBM: What felt good?

Ian: I know my week is perfect if I have had sex a few times in a row. Also, monogamy doesn’t make sense to me; it’s making my marriage a bit stale and routine. Being with other women provided me with something new to explore every day. It kept my thinking fresh, and it was exciting… And, challenging too.

DBM: Why didn’t you tell your wife right from the onset that – the marriage was becoming boring?

Ian: I did, and we tried doing things differently to spice it up.

DBM: What changed?

Ian: Not much. That’s why I started looking for connections outside of my marriage, rather than trying again to fix what could be missing or broken. It got to a point where, we sometimes didn’t have anything exciting to talk about at home.

DBM: Why did you confess to the affair?

Ian: The relationship with the other woman wasn’t working anymore, and I was feeling guilty.

DBM: Why were you feeling guilty?

Ian: I don’t know. Maybe because she threatened to tell my wife about us, when she couldn’t have her way with me.

DBM: Relieving your guilt just by telling your wife makes you selfish, you know?

Ian: Yeah, but I had no choice.

DBM: How do you feel about your wife’s affair?

Ian: I completely lost it. I am still hurt and angry, and I feel betrayed. It’s pretty hypocritical, but she has shattered my ability to trust her.

DBM: Do you know how she also feels about you?

Ian: I don’t really care.

DBM: Why don’t you care?

Ian: She’s destroyed our marriage.

DBM: How so?

Ian: Because she’s still in a relationship with the guy. She says she’s in love with him

DBM: What else did she say?

Ian: She wants to keep both the marriage and the affair

DBM: Do you know anything about the other guy?

Ian: He is married. That’s all I know

DBM: I see. What are you going to do now?

Ian: I have this friend that I enjoy being around. There is a strong sexual tension between us and I want to consider exploring it. I’ve been hesitant about her because she’s married.

DBM: Have you been honest with your wife about how her other relationship makes you feel?

Ian: It doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, we are all doing what we like

DBM: Is this what you want for your marriage?

Ian: No

DBM: Being married doesn’t mean you’d be immune to falling in love with other people. Your wife wants to keep both worlds. Question is, are you staying or are you going?

Ian: I don’t know what I want right now

DBM: What do you think you want?

Ian: I know it’s time to pay more attention to myself

DBM: Or your wife?

Ian: She doesn’t need me.

DBM: Do you need her?

Ian: I don’t!

DBM: Is this the ego and anger in you responding, because you feel your wife is checking out on your marriage?

Ian: Again, I don’t care

DBM: You don’t think the decisions you both have been making is wrong, and it’s what is destroying you and the marriage?

Ian: It is what it is! I don’t care about the consequences anymore. I will do me; she will do her.

DBM: What is your love language?

Ian: I express my love in a more physical way, because I most often do not have the perfect feeling words for a woman.

DBM: By ‘woman’, you mean your wife?

Ian: Whatever! So, sex is my best route to connection and intimacy.

DBM: Are you emotionally available to your wife?

Ian: Why that question?

DBM: Because all the married women I know who cheated, or are cheating on their husbands, are/were trying to fill an emotional void. They are/were with those other men because they made them feel desired and valued.

Ian: It is what it is! I am counting down to 3 o’clock to meet up with the lady I was talking about.

DBM: I can understand what you’re suffering, but you need to know that you have caused suffering too.

Ian: You think I don’t know that?

DBM: Why are you not avoiding the temptation to cheat again?

Ian: Is she doing that?

DBM: If only you could stop second-guessing her actions, and rather examine your own

Ian: She’s the one breaking our family. I made a mistake. I ended things. She’s making a mistake and holding on to it.

DBM: We are not talking about your wife. I am chatting with you. Why is it that most of us men, instead of creating space to process exactly what has happened to us, and why it happened in the first place, we rather would move to the next available trick?

Ian: What do you want me to do?

DBM: What do you need from your marriage, and from yourself?

Ian: I don’t want my wife to let me down. I don’t want to let her down either.

DBM: What do you think is currently lacking in your marriage?

Ian: At the moment, my wife is not giving me the chance to share my heart with her, and win her over. She’s decided for me by hanging on to the married man.

DBM: You’re married to a human being. She will let you down, just as you have. Don’t tell me you’re waiting on her to change first?

Ian: I am changing my ways. She has to change hers

DBM: Stop blaming your wife for your own part of the bad decisions and behavior.

Ian: It takes two to break a marriage

DBM: So, own your role in your infidelity, and stick to that.

Ian: Smh!

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Ian: I love my wife

DBM: Tell her how you feel about everything happening and make time for trust to be rebuilt. That could be the fresh start you need.

Ian: What if it doesn’t get back to how it used to be?

DBM: You will take a step back and come to the conclusion that, after genuinely trying for so long, maybe this one thing you so much wanted to work out, isn’t meant to be.

Image Credit: Oladimeji Ajegbile

Let’s Talk To Pearl

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 53: Hello Dave. My name is Pearl

DBM: Hello Pearl. How would you describe yourself?

Pearl: ………………………………………………………………………………………………

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Pearl: I have had four abortions in my lifetime. All these happened before I met my husband. He does not know about my past, and I’d want it to stay that way. I come from a Christian household, and though I am not blaming anyone for my actions, I feel like if my parents had talked to us about sex from an early age, some bad choices I made in life could have been prevented.

DBM: What did your parents talk to you guys about in relation to sex?

Pearl: Abstinence, and why God admonishes us to live in purity. That was all they stressed on

DBM: I grew up in a home like that too

Pearl: You did?

DBM: I did! At what age did you start having sex?

Pearl: When I was 15 years. My science teacher pressured me into liking him.

DBM: Whereby ‘pressured’ means?

Pearl: It wasn’t rape. I wasn’t doing so well in his subject and he realized it bothered me. He wrote me a letter explaining how he could transfer his smart science gene to me through other means.

DBM: Tell me ‘Other means’ meant extra classes?

Pearl: He was the first man I had sex with. And for some strange reason, my grades started to change for the better in science. He told me to just study and write whatever I felt were the right answers to any of his assignments, quizzes, tests and examination questions.

DBM: Are you good in science today?

Pearl: No! Of course, I am wiser now, and so I know he was either dashing me marks or answering the questions for me at home after every quiz.

DBM: Did he use protection with you?

Pearl: Yes, for the most part.

DBM: How many times did sex happen between you two?

Pearl: About 15 times.

DBM: How old was he?

Pearl: Early 30’s.

DBM: At what age was your first abortion?

Pearl: 17

DBM: Second?

Pearl: 19

DBM: Third?

Pearl: 23

DBM: And the last one?

Pearl: 25

DBM: Who got you pregnant at 17?

Pearl: My science teacher. He helped me get an abortion

DBM: Who got you pregnant at 19?

Pearl: My second boyfriend. My third boyfriend got me pregnant at 23, and the fourth guy at 25.

DBM: How many guys have you been with?

Pearl: They will not be up to 20

DBM: Do you regret aborting those pregnancies?

Pearl: I have no regrets. My parents did not educate me on sex, men, relationships and the responsibilities involved. There was no way I could have been prepared for a pregnancy or motherhood.

DBM: I see.

Pearl: My only biggest fear is the thought of being barren due to my past activities.

DBM: I doubt whether or not having abortions can affect your chances of becoming pregnant. You can experience normal pregnancy.

Pearl: Really?

DBM: Really! I know a dozen female friends who have aborted several pregnancies, but are mothers today.

Pearl: Hmmm! Dave, I need to give my husband a child. He wants a child so badly; I sometimes feel like I am denying him his dreamed family life.

DBM: What are your doctors saying?

Pearl: That, we’re both fine and can have babies at any time.

DBM: He knows about the abortions?

Pearl: My doctor?

DBM: Yes

Pearl: He was the one who detected that a womb infection I developed years ago hadn’t been properly treated. He realized I had had abortions before even telling him.

DBM: Is it treated now?

Pearl: Yes!

DBM: Good.

Pearl: Why do I feel like I am being punished for this?

DBM: Punished by whom?

Pearl: God.

DBM: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us.” I don’t know where it is in the Bible, but it’s in the Bible for sure.

Pearl: Do you believe it?

DBM: I do. GOD’S mercy is beyond comprehension. And, His mercy endures forever.

Pearl: Hmmm! I don’t know about that.

DBM: Don’t miss out on GOD’S gift of forgiveness. It’s the realest promise I know. You’re not the only one doing, or might have done things that aren’t pleasing to GOD. We all sin

Pearl: Four abortions is a lot of sin. Keeping it from my husband is another lie I live with

DBM: You’re a Christian, no?

Pearl: I am

DBM: Jesus took on all four of your abortions and the secret you still keep from your husband today on Himself, and paid for it on the cross by dying for you. The moment you choose to accept this truth, His forgiveness automatically becomes yours to take. His forgiveness is limitless, so start looking at your situation from the point of view of GOD.

Pearl: If you say so

DBM: Pearl, all of your sins have been forgiven. It does not matter whether or not you’re yet to commit it. Engage with GOD in your own way, and ask Him for grace and mercy. He is more than able to change the gray areas of your life for the very best.

Pearl: But what if I never get pregnant? Because it’s putting strains on my marriage. My husband wants a family

DBM: The life you are building with your husband, and the marriage you have, is a family. There is more to your marriage. Children are just an aspect of it. Make good use of the man in your life, the love you have for him, the excitement in marriage; the challenges, the dreams you both share, and just be looking forward to what the future holds – even if children aren’t a part of it.

Pearl: You are not a woman, and so I don’t expect you to understand.

DBM: I had a schoolmate, Cynthia. A very decent young woman, super intelligent. She got married to a very nice guy many years ago. She died two years after her wedding. Complications through childbirth. And, this was her first pregnancy.

Pearl: What happened to her child?

DBM: He died in the process. Pearl, the most rewarding part of marriage isn’t children. At least, that’s how I think. It takes a lot of work to have a happy marriage. Why is that not rather your priority?

Pearl: What would you have done if you were in my husband’s shoes?

DBM: I’d focus on my emotional connection and intimacy with you. I would find ways to keep alive the passion and desire for one another. Your inability to have a child shouldn’t be the reason why you’re not able to enjoy your husband. Your past, present, fears, pain, regrets, joy and whatnot, are all indicators that you’re indeed, living a human experience. Your husband ought to be able to embrace all of this, and still be glad he chose you for a wife.

Pearl: Would you have wanted me to tell you about my abortions, if you were my husband?

DBM: If I had chosen you as the partner to spend the rest of my life with, children would not have been my reason to change on you. And yes, I would have wanted to be in the known concerning your abortions. I will be shocked, and probably mad; I would definitely attribute our inability to have kids to your abortions, but I know myself so well; I will never judge you nor your past decisions. Because I wasn’t there to have had the opportunity to protect your innocence. I wasn’t there to have showed you what true love really meant. I would not have been reckless with you – if I were in your past experiences.

Pearl: Would you have forgiven me?

DBM: I would have, so far as you would be communicating truth with love and grace.

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