Tag: Marriage

Let’s Talk To Fofo

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 104: My name is Fofo

DBM: Hello Fofo. How would you describe yourself?

Fofo: Right now, I am angry

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Fofo: Five

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Fofo: My husband can be very annoying, and because of that we argue and fight a lot. There are days I just don’t feel like talking to him, especially when it’s that time of the night after an exhausting day at work. Because of one stupid advice given us by his mother on our wedding reception, he wants me to act the way he thinks his mother would have in a good way. Dave, I want to go to be angry when I am mad at my husband. I don’t want to talk to him when I don’t feel like talking to him. I don’t want him to touch my body after a fight. I want to go to bed as mad and wouldn’t want to make peace till I feel like forgiving him. How is that wrong?

DBM: I don’t see anything wrong with it. Going to bed peeved can also mean that I get to wake up the next morning feeling okay

Fofo: Me too, but not my husband. He’d want to make peace, and then fuck me afterwards. Then the next two or three days, he will repeat the same thing he did for us to argue, and the circle continues. Why do people think it’s wrong to go bed irked after a fight or an argument?

DBM: I believe in being your authentic self at all times. People pretend a lot just to sell a false narrative. If I am angry at my partner, I would need time to let go of the anger. Also, staying up later than I should stresses the hell out of me

Fofo: How much time is appropriate?

DBM: I don’t know; we are all different. I can only speak from my perspective and experience. Time could be seconds, minutes, hours, days or even a week. It all depends on the gravity of the fight. I am unable to think rationally when I am angry, that is why I prefer keeping my distance. I am able to make meaningful conversations only when anger hasn’t gotten the best of me

Fofo: My husband says for us not talking about the issue, we start to create divisions between us, and that could lead to more arguing and speaking to one another less and less. He doesn’t want a situation whereby our anger could force one of us to start sleeping on the couch or in another bedroom.

DBM: So, if he can picture all this, why does he get back into doing the very same things that pisses you off?

Fofo: You see what I am dealing with?

DBM: You know yourself and how much bullshit you can take. We all can’t be the same with our approach when it comes to conflict resolution. You need to be true to your feelings at every given moment. If I am in a heated fight or argument with my partner, and I can envisage saying or doing something to hurt this person I dearly love’s feelings, I would walk away from the fight before our relationship is unable to go back to where it used to be. I will go to bed not talking to you, wake up the next morning, and be intentional about rejuvenating what is important to me.

Fofo: My husband is the most important person to me

DBM: So, you go back to him to continue with the discussion

Fofo: What if he’s not ready to talk at the time you want to talk?

DBM: You let him be, because when you were not in the mood, you expected him to respect your space, no?

Fofo: This is where I think his point comes to play; we all keep dragging our feet till we’re both not interested in being friends again

DBM: Again, I can only speak from what works for me. I would rather go to bed angry and not have to talk to you, or look at your ‘stupid’ face, than to pretend to be okay with you till I am not… And then would say or do something which would be completely out of line. That wouldn’t be me going to sleep as honest as I could ever be with you. I refuse to hide my anger, simply because we have to work things out by hook or by crook. That isn’t honesty. Sometimes, in my anger and not talking to you, I am in a silent prayer to GOD to help me figure you or the basis of our argument out. I need my sleep to be able to process all the anger and pent-up feelings and emotions.

Fofo: I hate my husband’s stupid guts when he wants sex from me at these particular times too

DBM: You enjoy having sex with your husband?

Fofo: I do

DBM: This is what I would do if I were in your shoes; I would go to bed angry alright, facing the other side of the bed. Then wake up at dawn while he’s fast asleep, to speak to GOD from within to help you understand your husband. While in prayer, put your hand on your husband’s crotch. Does your husband sleep naked?

Fofo: Sometimes. Other times too in his briefs.

DBM: This particular evening, he would be wearing his briefs because you’re both mad at each other. Allow your hand to rest on his briefs, and then gently massage his penis and testicles. He will feel your touch and then would open his eyes to see what you are up to. Angry or not, the body can be somewhat ready for sex in the early mornings. Dawn sex can bring you and your husband closer together. Also, climaxing before getting out of bed can put the both of you in a beautiful mood for the rest of the day.

Fofo: My husband is the type who wouldn’t want us to discuss a problem in detail after a fight. If we are on good terms, he would trash it and pretend nothing has happened, simply because sex is back on the table. It’s like, he never remembers what were fighting about

DBM: Again, it’s not about winning an argument; it’s about making peace with the one person that you love. Not every fight would be resolved before we both go to bed; that is why we can agree to talk about it after we’ve woken up the next morning with a fresh attitude. The fresh attitude is inspired after the dawn broadcast. Fighting on the battle field is an art. You need to know how to pick these fights wisely

Fofo: Why do you guys use sex as your chip?

DBM: Have you ever wondered why the majority of men season while we age? Because sex is mostly a man’s cascade of youth

Fofo: Thank you Dave for chatting with me

DBM: You’re welcome. May I know how long you’ve been married, please?

Fofo: Seven years

DBM: Make it your best day today.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Men Don’t Weep When They Cry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I just want to say something about the last posts you put out. Especially the last one about the woman seeking divorce. I feel men are being accused wrongly of not caring, and I want to let women know that men too cry inside when they are in childless marriages. Dave, I am a man in my 40’s, and so is my wife, and we’ve been married for six years. We have been trying for a child since we married. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is a teenager and lives with her mum. We have tried everything from visiting hospitals, wellness centers, churches to even a shrine but all to no joy.

Family and societal pressures have started coming in with the usual ‘go and have a child outside’, ‘your bloodline will die out’ etc. Sometimes there’s the ridicule from friends and family, and the most annoying part is the “what are you waiting for” questions. Look, as a man, hearing these things make you feel sad inside but due to the man you are, you have to walk chest-out-chin so no one knows what you going through.

My wife thinks I don’t care about our situation with my nonchalant attitude. She prays a lot and is ever willing to heed to any advice from someone who gives a recommendation here or there. But as men we don’t think like that. We analyze stuff and look at the risks and opportunity costs involved. Yes, children are not opportunity costs but where you find yourself financially also makes taking certain decisions very tough, especially when you have tried just about everything.

Men think a lot when they have no child in their marriages but do not show emotions like women do because of our ego, which is very important to us. I for one have never, and will never ask or chastise my wife for not having kids. I believe what ever will be will be, and I thank God I am not the kind of man who succumbs to pressure, else, maybe I would have done something by now.

I just want women to know that men breakdown because they have no kids with their wives, but have to show ‘macho faces’ to keep the boat afloat. Imagine both husband and wife sulking each day because of childlessness, who will console who? It is not only women who become exhausted and dazed over this process. Men like me are most often on the sidelines figuring out exactly how we can also be of help. It’s tough watching my wife go through unexplainable moments. I know I am sensitive to her feelings while we go through each passing day. No one can adequately prepare for the emotional resiliency needed to just endure times like these.

I do love my wife so dearly, and in-as-much as I would want to be a parent, I am also choosing to enjoy this beautiful relationship and friendship I have with my wife today. I am equally enjoying the time I have to myself, because who knows, should a child come today, we may not have this much time for ourselves.

My dear beautiful wife,

I am proud of the woman you are and the wife you are to me. I hurt when I see you so upset because of our inability to have children at the moment. I hurt when I see disappointment on your face. I believe anything is possible, and these times should rather be bringing us together to look forward to our future as a team, whereby we make decisions even if under stress. You’re everything important to me, so let’s learn how to prioritize what is important, versus what could be just noise in the background. Life can be such that, we may plan alright in our minds and desire whatever, but it would never turn out as expected. I lean on you, so lean on me. Trust that I have your best interest at heart, with or without children. Our happiness should not be on hold while others progress. There should be no room for anything else but us right now.

To the lady who has decided to settle for divorce, well it’s in your right to do whatever you want but if your husband shows nonchalant attitude and you think he just sleeps while you weep at night, I want to tell you that he has his weep days; you only do not see it because he’s a ‘man’, and supposed to be the strong one amongst you two. He’s apparently shocked at the divorce because it’s the last thing he expected. I say this because per your story, his only crime is he sleeps and displays a nonchalant attitude towards the issue.

Written by DD

Image Credit: Cristiano Silva

A Child; Security to my Marriage

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 5 Comments

This morning I struggled getting out of bed and quickly took my phone to call in sick at work. Last night, I could barely get into bed up until the wee hours of the night. When I finally did, I watched my husband deep in his sleep unbothered by the happenings of life. I thought about the happy times we had shared but our future was assured only, if I could conceive a baby . I held my chin as tears rolled down my cheeks, my heart beat, threatening to leave my rib cage and I asked myself  “when will the baby come?”

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for the last five years with no success. If you ever told me I would struggle with infertility I would have laughed it out but that is my reality today. It is quite a dark place to be in as a woman because societal expectations dictates that after marriage there comes children; it has not been the case for me.

Having no children has resulted in unbearable pains in my marriage. I live in fear that as time passes by, my husband will ask for a divorce and I cannot help it. My husband is not the only person who thinks our marriage could come to a standstill but even friends; the plumber and the gateman have come advising me to secure my marriage which means ‘bear forth fruit for him’. If only they could tell them that I have gone for countless doctor visits, tried all sorts of concoctions and medications to no success.

Every month my period starts it is a reminder that I am running short of time to save my marriage. This month’s period has numbed my body because I recently discovered my husband has been trying to conceive with someone else. I have struggled with so many emotions knowing that if they succeed I will lose the person I love the most. I spend endless hours in the bathroom sobbing asking my womb “why can’t you bear fruit?” After all the rhetoric questioning, I stand up, open the door and conceal my feelings of shame, sadness and despair.

Today being Mother’s Day, I entreat all of us to be kind to waiting wombs. And if you’re wondering whether I have been able to secure my marriage, I have not. How I wish days could stand still for me to enjoy my marriage and for my husband to stop threatening divorce each passing month he sees me on my period.

Written by WM

Image Credit: Caleb + Kaci Carson

Let’s Talk To Okaile

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 100: Okaile

DBM: Hello Okaile. How would you describe yourself?

Okaile: 🙆🏽‍

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Okaile: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Okaile: My husband’s boss has asked me out, and he says my husband gave him my phone number and the go-ahead to approach me. My husband did not deny it when I confronted him. All he said was, his pending promotion depends on it, and he wants me to do something I have never done for him.

DBM: Did he state exactly what he wants you to do – which you have never done for him?

Okaile: Yes! He wants me to have one-time romantic affair with his boss

DBM: In other words, sleep with his boss?

Okaile: Yes

DBM: How long have you been married?

Okaile: Nine years

DBM: Kids?

Okaile: Yes, we have a son.

DBM: How old is your son?

Okaile: He is six years

DBM: Why do you think your husband is bold enough to request such from you?

Okaile: David, I am shocked. He thinks it would be a fun experience for me – since he is the only man I have known intimately, for the past 10 years.

DBM: Do you find the request funny?

Okaile: Absolutely not!

DBM: Are you the only woman your husband has known sexually, since you married?

Okaile: I don’t know, but I hope yes

DBM: Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him?

Okaile: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Okaile: He was begging me to consider doing it for his sake

DBM: Your husband?

Okaile: Yes!

DBM: Have you spoken up about your frustration?

Okaile: I told him I will not do it

DBM: And?

Okaile: He says he desperately needs this promotion because it’s everything he’s wanted. I am disappointed in my husband. I feel very angry right now

DBM: Bottling up all these feelings will only make the bitterness boil

Okaile: When I tell him no, he keeps begging me to consider

DBM: What’s your deepest fear?

Okaile: That he will use it against me someday

DBM: Or leave you

Okaile: Exactly!

DBM: Do not experiment anything thrown at you, simply because it would make your husband’s dream come true

Okaile: I think I caused it

DBM: How is that?

Okaile: I have been the one always telling my husband that he can count on me through thick and thin. Dave, I deeply care about his needs, and I have been constantly there for him any time he’s needed me.

DBM: And this was the best test he could throw your way?

Okaile: He recently bought me a new car. I am just finding out it actually was a gift given to me by his boss. They had talked about me months ago, and had discussed what could pull me in the challenge. A cheque of £5,000 was also presented to me

DBM: Why is his boss interested in you?

Okaile: I know him

DBM: Prior to your husband working for him?

Okaile: Yes!

DBM: How do you know him?

Okaile: We used to date

DBM: Before you met your husband?

Okaile: Yes

DBM: Why didn’t the relationship work out?

Okaile: He was married

DBM: Is he single now?

Okaile: No! He is still married

DBM: Does your husband know about your past with him?

Okaile: I don’t think so. After ending things with him, I made sure we didn’t remain friends

DBM: How long was this?

Okaile: 14 years ago. Now that my husband has given my number to him, he’s been messaging me frequently.

DBM: Your best bet would be having a one-on-one conversation with your ex.

Okaile: I can’t

DBM: Why can’t you?

Okaile: I wouldn’t be able to draw any boundaries if I am to meet with him

DBM: Do you have any trust in your marriage to your husband?

Okaile: I do

DBM: So, what’s the problem then?

Okaile: I don’t trust myself

DBM: You have not gotten over him?

Okaile: I thought I did. The spark might rekindle looking at how I am feeling right now

DBM: Awww! Poor you!

Okaile: I feel so bad

DBM: Did you love him?

Okaile: With all of my heart

DBM: Sometimes eh, our connections with certain exes can be as special as however long it takes to heal

Okaile: I don’t think I healed from that break-up

DBM: Didn’t it ever occur to you when your husband applied for a job with him?

Okaile: I didn’t know he was the owner of that company. Our relationship was a one-way street. I never asked questions or bothered to know more about him. We broke up because I found out he had a wife. And, he was my first boyfriend.

DBM: You need to tell your husband. He is currently your most important focus

Okaile: I can’t

DBM: This is something that has gone on in your life that you should be able to easily tell your husband, if he’s able to pitch his boss to you

Okaile: You will not understand

DBM: Help me understand

Okaile: My ex is the first man I ever loved. I told my husband about him; I just didn’t put a name to the description. If I become his friend again, it will quickly turn to romance. Our emotions will be stirred all over again, and the romance I thought I put away will begin to take form and shape. Those strong feelings I had for him will rear its ugly head; and the one-time escapade for my husband’s sake will turn to other secret meetings. I will start lying to my husband because of an affair.  That old flame wasn’t properly laid down.

DBM: But you’ve carried new fire for nine years, no?

Okaile: The old never died

DBM: You need to tell your husband, if the thought of his suggestion already is making you develop hidden feelings for your ex. Your husband wasn’t uncomfortable about the idea of you sleeping with his boss. Tell him, even if this disclosure will make you feel embarrassed.

Image Credit: Beingthetraveller

Let’s Talk To Bubune

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 98: I’m Bubune

DBM: Hello Bubune. How would you describe yourself?

Bubune: Born-again husband

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Bubune: Eight out of 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Bubune: I was 29 years old when I married my wife. I did not love her as at that time because I wasn’t ready for love. In hindsight, I would say I was marrying a wife while I still had other girls on my mind. I wasn’t secure in the woman I was marrying; I wasn’t satisfied when we settled for the honeymoon. I knew she loved me more than I liked her because it was supposed to be casual sex with no strings attached. But she got pregnant, and her dad being the Area Head of their church, decided we got married. Abortion was off the table. A wedding was planned in less than three months, and part of our package was to travel outside Ghana, a week after the wedding.

DBM: How did you two know each other?

Bubune: My dad is also a retired Apostle. Our parents were friends

DBM: Okay?

Bubune: When we left the shores of Ghana, I was all my wife had. She doesn’t make friends easily, and she couldn’t relate to my kinds of friends either. Here I was with a woman I did not love and feared hurting her feelings because she would have been devastated.

DBM: Why were you having sex with her – if you did not like her?

Bubune: You mean before marriage?

DBM: Yes

Bubune: She wanted to try sex for the first time. I was one of the few friends she had and could talk to about it. Our friendship wasn’t that tight but she knew she could trust me.

DBM: How old was she?

Bubune: 23 or 24. She knew I did not love her, even on our wedding day, because I had a serious girlfriend – though I was exploring outside the relationship with other girls.

DBM: Yeah, a woman knows when you are not that much into her. She will know when you are not excited about her; when you do not miss or want her; when you do not see a future together with her in it

Bubune: Unfortunately, she did not mind being stuck with me

DBM: Her reasons being?

Bubune: Initially, she thought dependability and monetary refuge could make up for love. I had a good paying job in Canada, and was living the life. She also had the nerve, sanguinity and a hefty amount of hope in her future with me. She told me once, ‘you will learn how to love me one day.’

DBM: Were you her first boyfriend?

Bubune: I think so. She was a virgin when we had sex

DBM: ‘You will learn how to love me one day’. Did you?

Bubune: I did

DBM: At what point did you start realizing it?

Bubune: My text messages with her started putting smiles on my face for no apparent reason. There were no butterflies in my stomach, or anything. All I know is, I could trust her, and tell her everything. I could tell her about the women I was hooking up with, the sex-gone-bad a day or night before; the new girl I thought I was falling in love with or flirting with me, etc.

DBM: Interesting. She wasn’t peeved or jealous?

Bubune: She probably was but I think she denied her feelings of rage and jealousy. She could make fun of me or be cynical to the extent that, I rather begun assuming she didn’t care about me anymore.

DBM: Was how she felt about you significant?

Bubune: I thought it wasn’t till it was

DBM: How did that thought make you feel?

Bubune: Worried and sad. I had hit rock-bottom because her behavior kept me guessing and wanting her not to leave me hanging. She could be aloof and holding back on her true feelings when I was being foolish with other women. It got to a point; I would intentionally have an affair or flirt with ladies for her to see – just to get a reaction, but she wouldn’t show any. She would act normal and encourage me to do what makes me happy.

DBM: Were you happy doing all that?

Bubune: I was lonely, honestly

DBM: You couldn’t have been lonely; you had the affection and attention of others, no?

Bubune: Yeah, but not that of my wife’s. She had lost the interest she used to have in me. And she looked happier

DBM: I’d rather be alone than to be lonely

Bubune: I didn’t want to be alone, and I didn’t want to be lonely

DBM: So, what did you do?

Bubune: I had to change and build attraction. My wife needed convincing so I became better at getting her attracted to how good I could make her feel.

DBM: You build on a love relationship; you don’t just find one

Bubune: Fact! I started respecting her as my wife and gave her all of my attention. I heard her when she spoke, and I made attempts to understand her concerns. I became very supportive, and invested in her interests and passions. I learnt about them and could stimulate her mind. I took notice of where I stood in her life and our marriage and showed up in my best self. I started having a positive outlook on life in general, and I was happy about it and even proud of myself.

DBM: Vulnerability sometimes involves, offering someone your whole truth without them asking for it

Bubune: I was vulnerable enough to re-align my priorities and self. I recognized where I had gone wrong with my wife, and I made the efforts to make it right by her

DBM: Did she see the effort you were putting into reaching her?

Bubune: She did

DBM: How do you feel about your wife right now?

Bubune: My wife wants me to be for her, so I cheer really hard now. I love her so dearly, I want to continually honor and serve her, give off my best to inspire her and never cease praying for our happiness together as a unit.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Bubune: 26 years

DBM: Oh, wow!

Bubune: Seven out of those years, I did not consider her feelings. I lied and lived a selfish life. And it wasn’t just a fleeting lapse in my judgement

DBM: There are a ton of husbands out there biting the dust with blurred lines in their marriages. What would you tell a wife who is finding it difficult to recover from the pain of betrayal?

Bubune: Every wound has its own way of healing. Heal at your own pace and forgive your husband if he is deserving of your forgiveness. If he keeps showing you that he never really is with you on the journey, do not spend the rest of your life with him. Go solo

Image Credit: Rdne Stock Project

Let’s Talk To Ejo

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 97: Ejo

DBM: Hi Ejo. How would you describe yourself?

Ejo: A wife, nursing mother, and teacher

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ejo: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ejo: I gave birth to my second child six months ago, and I have been going through a very difficult phase that has made me gain so much weight. I am trying to get back to my pre-pregnancy figure but I am becoming heavier instead. My husband started running indirect jokes my way. He recently asked when I am going to lose all the fat. Even during sex, he will make a joke out of something in relation to my weight and it will kill my mood. I’ve told him I don’t like the mean jokes he’s been making but it’s falling on deaf ears.

DBM: Why does he make jokes about your weight?

Ejo: He finds slim attractive. He also thinks such jokes will motivate me to lose the weight but it’s actually hurting my feelings. I was dressing up in front of him just recently, and I caught him staring at my stomach and shaking his head in a funny way

DBM: That’s not cool. You don’t intentionally hurt the feelings of the woman you love, especially not over some silly crap like a few extra pounds

Ejo: Hmmm!

DBM: But you are eating right, no?

Ejo: I am

DBM: How about workouts?

Ejo: I exercise regularly

DBM: Are you getting plenty of sleep?

Ejo: I try to but I am not fitting into my clothes

DBM: Could it be a medical something sabotaging your efforts to stay in shape?

Ejo: My Mother-in-law tells my husband I am the one being lazy. I feel like they’re intentionally putting pressure on me to lose the weight. He laughs when his mother makes comments about my weight.

DBM: Wait! You gave birth just six months ago, no?

Ejo: Yes!

DBM: So, where from the rush to lose weight? You’re still breastfeeding and you need sufficient calories for milk supply; even your overall healing and lost energy and nourishment

Ejo: When my MIL sees a lot of food on the plate of my first child, she would go and take a chunk off it, and be using my weight as reference to why my daughter shouldn’t be eating too much. My husband will also be suggesting to our daughter that, women have to look skinny and pretty.

DBM: You’re very kind

Ejo: Why do you say that?

DBM: You’re allowing your mother-in-law to teach your daughter how to disrespect you, while you sleep in the same bed with her own son, who clearly needs a lot of improvement. What right has she got to tell your child what to eat? How well did she train her own son?

Ejo: I am just trying to maintain peace in my household

DBM: But at what cost?

Ejo: Dave, whenever I complain, I am the one being ridiculous

DBM: Subjecting yourself to bad-mannered people can affect your self-esteem and make you second-guess yourself

Image Credit: Anete Lusina

Let’s Talk To Ursula

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 96: Ursula

DBM: Hello Ursula. How would you describe yourself?

Ursula: Trying to contain water in a paper bag

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ursula: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ursula: My husband took me out to dinner on my birthday, and after the cake and presents, he asked for a divorce. He did it in the presence of a man we both respect and trust. I should have known something was off because I did not understand why it was just the three of us without the children.

DBM: Did you see this coming?

Ursula: Not at all, because we have a beautiful relationship. I agree that the time we get to spend alone together is sometimes, inadequate. This is mainly because we both have got demanding jobs to do, we have a home to run and two children to raise.

DBM: This is tough.

Ursula: On our way back home, I asked what was going on with him and he said, ‘it’s for your own good.’ If it’s for my own good, tell me what the problem is so I determine whether or not it’s in my best interest. He went silent on me and just drove the car.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Ursula: I will not accept a divorce

DBM: You know he is not asking for a divorce, right? He is explicitly telling you that a divorce is going to happen, whether or not you like it. He does not need your permission.

Ursula: This is so unfair. I have done nothing wrong to him. Why should he start the legal process without giving me an explanation?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ursula: 19 years

DBM: How old are the kids?

Ursula: They are both teenagers

DBM: Hmmm!

Ursula: I am so angry and extremely upset

DBM: At this point, you have no choice but to allow his decision to sink in, while respecting it. You need to renew your mind and heart, and give yourself some time to grieve

Ursula: I am shocked, but I know that lost love can be salvaged

DBM: He said he doesn’t love you anymore?

Ursula: He has not given his reasons. Dave, we were having frequent sex; enjoyable sex. He knows that I am willing to do anything he wants for our marriage to be successful. I will do anything for him to be happy

DBM: Sometimes, very little can be done to keep or lose a man

Ursula: I want my marriage to continue

DBM: The man he brought along to your birth-date dinner, what was his take on your husband’s decision?

Ursula: He kept telling me it was for my own good. He also said my husband isn’t happy in the marriage, which I do not believe. They’ve been talking behind me, but I know my husband loves me. Something is just off. Assuming he is even unhappy, does it have to end in divorce? I am willing to save my marriage

DBM: I admire your desire

Ursula: He will come around

DBM: I hope he does

Ursula: We met on a flight to London. My seat was next to his. He was by the window and I wanted to sit by the window so bad, I couldn’t stop wishing in my head we made an exchange. Before we took off, he asked if I wouldn’t mind exchanging seats with him. Those were his first words to me, and they met a need. I asked his name, told him mine and then, started to talk. Before landing in London, I was sure where I stood with him. He did not shy away from discussing his interest in me. We were both single.

DBM: What happened in London?

Ursula: He was there to work. I was there to school. We went on several dates and enjoyed being with each other. It was a satisfying relationship because we weren’t putting in so much effort to make a relationship happen. We were just happy together as friends who liked each other. Easy-fun-friendly love affair; something like that. Two years on, it dawned on me, out of the blue, that he has been the only man in my life who was sensitive to my needs and feelings.

DBM: Explain his sensitivity to your needs and feelings

Ursula: He ensured I was well taken care of while in school. He was happy whenever I was happy. I could be my true, authentic self around him and not fret about acceptance. His energy was positive, and so was his support for me. We had a strong friendship then and now. Him as a boyfriend then spent all his free time with me. My husband spends all his free time with me. Dave, imagine having someone in your life whose sole purpose is to make everything more pleasant and enjoyable when they’re around you. That is the kind of man asking me for a divorce. I can’t, I won’t.

DBM: You need to be the mature one to show him kindness and a loving memory of you. Because at the moment, you’re the only one interested in the marriage. Refusing to understand why he wants out wouldn’t make him fall in love with you any quicker.

Ursula: I still don’t know why he wants a divorce. That’s why I am anxious and mad as hell. What would you have done differently?

DBM: I don’t know; but I am naturally a calm person, so I am certain I would be calm about it.

Ursula: Even without an explanation?

DBM: Even without an explanation – I know I will give him space

Ursula: Why would you give him space?

DBM: Distance can also make the heart grow fonder. I know, it’s cliché but it does quiet when things tend to feel out of control in life

Ursula: What if giving him space gives him room to be with another woman?

DBM: I will still put up a front and go about my normal routine. Don’t beg him; don’t yell at him. Do not give him attitude nor chase after him. Let him be while you put the spotlight on you. Look good, feel good, make yourself happy and alive till he notices you or at best, starts to miss you

Ursula: What if he doesn’t notice me?

DBM: If he doesn’t, then at least you would have noticed your own efforts in handling yourself the best way possible

Ursula: I can never understand you men. Do you guys even know what you want?

DBM: Your husband knows what he wants at this time in his life. A man’s needs changes as he grows, while his relationship evolves. What a man needs today may not be what he wants tomorrow.

Ursula: Same with women, Dave

DBM: I know

Ursula: I don’t know if you understand how much I love my husband?

DBM: I believe you love you husband, and it’s a good thing. However, do not lose yourself in the process of wanting him in your life, so-much-so that you forget you are equally an amazing woman worth keeping by someone who actually wants to be with you.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

 

Let’s Talk To Malik

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 93: Malik

DBM: Hi Malik. How would you describe yourself?

Malik: Empty. The supply of fuel that could drive my ability to take crazy risks and be confident in myself is no longer in service

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Malik: 2

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Malik: I think my wife has done something to me. I cannot get an erection when I am with another woman. I am only able to keep an erection around my wife.

DBM: How old are you?

Malik: 40

DBM: And, is this an occasional episode or the norm?

Malik: I am unable to get an erection with any other woman except my wife

DBM: Are you an excessive alcohol taker?

Malik: No! I drink occasionally

DBM: Do you do drugs?

Malik: No!

DBM: Are you a smoker?

Malik: I smoke once in a while

DBM: Do you take any sedatives?

Malik: Not really

DBM: Are you on any medications, i.e., antidepressants?

Malik: No!

DBM: Are you on any blood pressure medications?

Malik: My heart is in a good place, no.

DBM: Are you depressed or anxious of anything?

Malik: Yes! I can’t get my dick hard anymore when I am with other women

DBM: Are you under any kind of stress, aside your immediate problem?

Malik: No!

DBM: What is your self-esteem level?

Malik: Very low, because of the problem

DBM: Have you gone to see a doctor?

Malik: No

DBM: Why not?

Malik: Something is telling me it’s my wife behind all this.

DBM: What makes you think your wife could be involved?

Malik: We had a big argument last year, in July. We ignored each other for days when we were sleeping in separate bedrooms. I had a dream in one of those nights about finding money in our trash. My grandma always says, if you dream about accidentally finding money in a pile of trash, wake up from your sleep and check the trashcan. Because you’re in bad luck. It’s a bad omen; you or someone close to you is either going to die or a misfortune would befall you. When I woke up in the morning, I felt a mild but sharp jab in my left hip – like someone had injected a substance into my body. I went to check the garbage can outside the main house, and there was a syringe and smaller-sized needle thrown in it. The syringe had a red substance in it

DBM: Did you confirm the content in the syringe?

Malik: I did not. I just assumed it was blood

DBM: Blood from where?

Malik: I don’t know

DBM: Is your wife a nurse or doctor?

Malik: She’s not

DBM: Where did the syringe and needle come from?

Malik: It should have come from our house because the trashcan is in the main compound of our home. I asked my wife about it and she was acting all surprised

DBM: What if she genuinely, did not know anything about it?

Malik: It couldn’t have come from the kids because they hate hospitals and injection

DBM: So, on what grounds are you suspecting your wife?

Malik: I couldn’t be aroused that afternoon, when I met with one of my girlfriends. She tried every trick in her books to get me hard but it wouldn’t respond. This is a girl I had been having mad sex with for years. I couldn’t even masturbate on my own. The moment my wife returned home from work and I smelled her body scent, I naturally got a hard-on

DBM: That’s strange

Malik: Tell me about it!

DBM: How long have you been married?

Malik: 11 years

DBM: When did you first notice the problem outside your home?

Malik: July 6th 2022

DBM: When did you feel the pain in your hip?

Malik: The morning of July 6th

DBM: I see

Malik: I have three close friends I have fun with. I haven’t been able to fuck any of them ladies since

DBM: Erections are mysterious, and they do have a mind of their own. I think you need to consider seeing a doctor – just to be sure you’re on the safe side.

Malik: My wife has done something to me

DBM: Have you confronted her about your suspicions?

Malik: No!

DBM: What did you argue about last July?

Malik: She came across one of my escapades through WhatsApp and made a mountain out of a molehill. Husbands will cheat, we will get caught. If you can’t understand that a man will ultimately disappoint you, just walk your separate way. What is difficult about this?

DBM: Most women fear to be alone. Reason why some stay in terrible situations

Malik: What is terrible about having a little fun here and there?

DBM: What is your definition of ‘a little fun…’

Malik: David, for me sex is sex to satisfy my urges. I do not have to be in love to enjoy sex. Marriage is marriage. These two can never overlap in my books. It cannot affect my love for my wife. And I have no intention of leaving my wife.

DBM: Good to know! Now that you’re unable to be with other women, use the cuddle and care of your wife to sooth your broken ego.

Malik: What she’s done to me is a crime, and I don’t know how to prove it. After damaging my manhood, she’s refused to be available to me; she’s refused to have sex with me. She doesn’t care and has been sleeping with the children in their rooms. The only person who can give me sex is punishing me by not giving me sex. Why cause me so much pain in the first place and then refuse to take away my pain? I am deeply broken. Women are evil

DBM: Go and see a doctor. That is what you need to do

Malik: Will it change anything?

DBM: It can help you stop impugning your wife for your misery and unhappiness. You are solely responsible for your low self-image. Get yourself fixed.

Malik: If I were a woman, you would have been way empathetic towards my plight

DBM: I genuinely am concerned about you. What I am trying to get you to understand is that, you assumed other women, and not your wife could make you feel good about yourself. And masked your true feelings from the one woman whose opinions should have mattered to you the most. You don’t take a woman for a fool and expect her to open her legs for you that easily

Malik: I am her husband

DBM: Then stop blaming your wife for your failures

Image Credit: Karolina Grabowska

Let’s Talk To Akorfa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 91: Akorfa De Sweetest

DBM: Hi Akorfa. How would you describe yourself?

Akorfa: I am a woman with drive, energy and determination. I am friendly, intelligent and educated. I am grounded and secure in myself. I can be relied upon. I am a lawyer

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Akorfa: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Akorfa: I am in a really good relationship with my man. He loves me to the extent that, there would be moments in my daily activities that makes me stop, reflect, smile, shake my head and realize how much he means to me. He has a silly way of laughing when I tickle him. The look in his eyes when he kisses me in bed with a smile on his face; my boyfriend is there for me all the time. A whole new world opened for me when I listened to his advice to apply to Law School. When I wasn’t sure I could get in, I received an offer to attend law school. I was not prepared for what that pursuit could throw at me, but he was; he was the first man to make me think of my time in school as a job. And he helped me to put in the hours till I was called to the bar. He hasn’t stopped loving me that way till date. I don’t know if you get the picture?

DBM: Crystal

Akorfa: But he doesn’t believe in marriage

DBM: Do you believe in marriage?

Akorfa: I do

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Akorfa: Six and a half years oooh

DBM: What profession is he into?

Akorfa: He is an Actuary

DBM: How old are you?

Akorfa: 32

DBM: How old is he?

Akorfa: 37

DBM: Do you know why he doesn’t believe in marriage?

Akorfa: He says it’s just a status signed on a piece of paper. His parents divorced when he was 14. His sister recently divorced. He doesn’t see anything special about getting married.

DBM: Tying the knot can become a frightening proposition for people whose parents divorced

Akorfa: I don’t think my guy is scared of marriage. He just doesn’t want to do it

DBM: From his actions and everything else, do you see him to be the type that would be willing to at least, consider marrying you down the road?

Akorfa: No! Even though he’s willing for us to grow together as a couple

DBM: ‘Grow together’ as in, have kids, live together, etc.?

Akorfa: Yes!

DBM: Why is it important for you to do the whole ring thing?

Akorfa: Marriage is a life-long commitment to me. It’s a love-something that I can trust to be there for me, and never leave nor forsake me. It is through marriage that I will be convinced I have a life partner in my beau, a teammate. I want to have a strong family with children through marriage.

DBM: And, you’ve shared these reasons with him, no?

Akorfa: I have, but he still doesn’t see himself getting married.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Akorfa: I can’t force him

DBM: No, you can’t! Attempting to directly or indirectly force him to change his stance on the subject can be a recipe for your relationship’s failure.

Akorfa: I know

DBM: Then you also know that you can genuinely, be in a healthy relationship with someone who adores you for you, even though he may never want to settle down in a marriage?

Akorfa: I know, but marriage is important to me

DBM: And an option for him. Question is, how do you both come to a consensus to respect each other’s opinions and desires?

Akorfa: I don’t know. I don’t want to live with a man and raise our kids outside of marriage

DBM: I am guessing you two are having sex?

Akorfa: We are

DBM: And, he’s that much into you?

Akorfa: He is, very much.

DBM: Think of his decision from this angle, he is in love with, and committed to you. He does almost all the things expected to be done to have a meaningful and strong relationship. You’ve given him everything inside and out of you without the commitment of a marriage. What something new is there to be discovered about you? Why should he need rings and a certificate to prove his love for you?

Akorfa: I understand all that, but marriage is not just about rings and a piece of paper; it’s about our families coming together, asking for my hand and gaining the trust and blessings from my family.

DBM: But you will agree you have made it way easier and also placed him in a comfortable lead, not to be married to you?

Akorfa: Maybe, maybe not

DBM: Are you certain you are the woman for him?

Akorfa: I am, Dave. His heartbeat.

DBM: Is he truly the man for you? Because if he were, he would have known what is important to you

Akorfa: I don’t know anyone else out there like him

DBM: How many out there have you dated?

Akorfa: A few. That’s why I know a good man is hard to find these days. I am not ready to go searching for a man all over again

DBM: How do you feel right now in the relationship?

Akorfa: Happy and stuck with anxiety

DBM: Generally, I would feel stuck in a moment when I suddenly begin to assume I should be something else that I clearly am not. You’re thinking your relationship status ought to be different than what it is, even though he makes you happy. He does not want to be married. Can you breathe a deep sigh of relief while focusing on the now instead?

Akorfa: How about WHAT I WANT?

DBM: You have done what you can with what you have. Go easy on yourself and let things be

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Nicholas

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 90: Nicholas

DBM: Hello Nicholas. How would you describe yourself?

Nicholas: I understand what commitment means, that’s why it’s easy for me to compromise. I am kind, patient, humorous and good with kids

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Nicholas: 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nicholas: I think every man must find himself a job that makes him happy, in order to be pleased with his own life. I am a house-husband, and I am loving how I am able to make my wife, children and the home a priority. We decided I stay home to look after the children while my wife goes out to work. And truth be told, I am crushing it like a pro. I think I was born to take care of my family like this. I like it that I am the one to make sure the house is always clean and smelling good; the children get prepared for school while my wife gets to rest and have enough sleep. The only thing I can’t do is to cook, so she prepares a variety of meals during the weekends to last the household for the week.

DBM: Were you working prior to meeting your wife?

Nicholas: Yes

DBM: How long have you been married?

Nicholas: Six years

DBM: And, when did you make the decision to stay home?

Nicholas: It was actually my wife’s idea. Before we married, we talked about the importance of being present for our marriage, and also, in the lives of our children – if we were to have any. We love kids and we knew they would become a huge part of our lives. We wanted one parent to be 100% responsible for their upbringing till they are 18 years age. We weighed our options and concluded I would be the better parent and the best person to sacrifice my time to raise them right. Also, my wife earns three times my salary, and did not see the need for the both of us to be chasing after money.

DBM: So, you’ve been home since you married?

Nicholas: Yes, as the king of the house. It’s actually fun and humbling. It’s a fulfilling job to say the least. Due to this arrangement, I have found a best friend in my wife. She’s the one person I am comfortable with – talking to. Because I realize I can’t do it on my own. I appreciate the little things right now; we get to eat together as a family and talk. I am attracted to my wife daily, and can’t wait to see her return home from work. This experience seriously is turning my life around, and I am becoming the best husband and father I can be.

DBM: This is something you are passionate about?

Nicholas: Family is very important to me, and would not trade it for nothing.

DBM: What do your circle of friends say/think of you when you tell them about what you do?

Nicholas: Some think it’s disgraceful. I used to justify myself but I don’t care what they say anymore. Also, my church no longer invites me to speak to the youth. When I used to work, I was one of their favorite keynote speakers on Finance. Now that I work as a house-husband, majority of them tend to look down on me. They believe I am unemployed. Some call me lazy.

DBM: Do you see this as a real job?

Nicholas: It is a real job for me, Dave. Imagine coming home to a spotless house? There is absolutely nothing wrong with me chasing my dream career. I’m also doing exactly what I love; It’s work. My wife and I are not bothered by her being the one going out to earn money for the house. We are not bothered by me taking care of the home and family. In fact, I’m very good at this. And most importantly, I don’t think it’s healthy for our family to have two parents/adults getting stressed from work. One should be enough, while a calm, handsome, loving, sexy-hot other quenches their thirst after a long day. It’s the sweetest feeling ever.

DBM: Does this situation also not make it a whole lot easier for your wife to control you financially?

Nicholas: Control me how?

DBM: Do you have your own money?

Nicholas: First and foremost, I married a reasonable woman who also happens to be right for me. She respects me and my place in her life. Secondly, we share a joint account. The money in the account has more than one owner. It belongs to the both of us. Also, I work remotely from home. I make my own money to contribute to the pool.

DBM: Would you be prepared for the unknown? I.e., Death of your wife, divorce, wife involved in an accident or is permanently disabled, etc. and the responsibilities are shifted

Nicholas: I am ever ready to shoulder all responsibilities. Being a house-husband prepares you for anything.

DBM: What do you do for fun?

Nicholas: I work out in my free time at the gym.

DBM: Does this make you more critical about your wife’s appearance?

Nicholas: My wife is perfect, just the way she wants to be

DBM: The free time on your hands at home doesn’t make you want to look for some side action? I mean, most guys get in shape purposely for that.

Nicholas: I work out to stay in shape. Nothing else

DBM: You have the last word

Nicholas: I am uniquely equipped to keep my family safe and as one unit. I am not ready to do anything that could affect my family negatively. I am willing to do anything for my wife and for her heart’s sake. My wife’s desire comes first

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

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