Tag: Marriage

Let’s Talk to Whitney and Idris

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 88i: My name is Whitney. Dave, I am doing this interview with my husband. He will also respond to all of your questions.

Participant 88ii: Idris

DBM: Hello Whitney and Idris. How would you describe yourselves?

Whitney: I smile a lot and I am comfortable, pleasant and easy to live or be with. In the context of a wife, I make the life of my husband easy and comfortable. I am a mother

Idris: I am aware of my habits and general personality. I am sure of my actions, without any excuses.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Whitney: 5

Idris: Three

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Whitney: My husband is always on his phone, and I have never been able to understand why. He feels bothered if I am to call or text to converse with him. Dave, I cannot get 10 minutes on phone with my husband. He doesn’t have 10 minutes off his schedule to chat or talk with me during the day. How is it possible that someone who is always using ‘busy working’ as his excuse, has time for other things on his phone?

Idris: Why I am less focused on my wife and marriage. I need my ‘me’ time. It’s simple: sometimes, the personal stuff is just personal.

DBM: Does his work involve him being on the phone all the time?

Whitney: No! He is an accountant

DBM: Sir, why is your wife not a priority to you?

Idris: She is important to me, she’s the mother of my children. I’m just tired of her constant need for my attention to make her feel happy. I am a bit exhausted doing that, to be frank; I’m tired of always being the one to compromise for her to feel loved. What about my own happiness?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Whitney: 8 years in August. We have two children.

DBM: Okay! Mrs. why do you think your husband married you?

Whitney: I don’t know. Maybe you can ask him. I am dying to know his answer to that question myself.

DBM: Noted, but to the best of your knowledge…

Whitney: I think he married me because he loved me, and wanted to be with me.

DBM: Sir?

Idris: I felt it was better being with her than staying single. I didn’t want to be alone. Also, having a wife was a cool and responsible decision to take.

DBM: Did you choose your wife because you love her?

Idris: I had grown fond of her

Whitney: Do you love me?

Idris: Yes

Whitney: Are you in love with me?

Idris: I can’t answer that question

Whitney: You can’t or you won’t?

Idris: I am not in love with you. That’s the truth. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I don’t know why I married you to be honest. Maybe, because I felt you were infatuated by me and needed me to choose you. You showed me many times why you love me and I felt validated. You were too much into me, I got confused.

DBM: Are you miserable in your marriage?

Idris: I don’t think I am miserable. I have learned to cope with an unwilling situation. I am just not myself. I feel like I gave in to my wife’s desire to be loved by me

DBM: Meaning, you probably might have not chosen her if it were left to your discretion?

Idris: Yes!

Whitney: Am I not beautiful enough?

Idris: That is not what I am saying

Whitney: Am I not good in bed?

Idris: Do not take things out of context.

Whitney: Do I not bring a mind that is capable of supporting you to find practical solutions to our family’s problems and future plans?

Idris: You do. You are a smart woman. I have told you that before

Whitney: Do I not help our family in times you have no money to contribute to our wellbeing?

Idris: You do

Whitney: Do I not respect you as my husband?

Idris: You do

Whitney: I watch you take strange and mysterious phone calls when you leave the room, whispering into your phone. You delete your chat history before getting home and you want me to believe you are not hiding something from me? You are always texting someone. How would you feel if I was doing that to you?

DBM: Sir, why are you always on your phone?

Idris: My phone is the only moment I get to have with myself to reflect, and think, laugh and feel loved – without my wife around wanting my attention. Does marriage mean I cannot imbed myself in the man I used to be before meeting her?

Whitney: That is bullshit. Why are you sly then when on phone?

DBM: Wait, you don’t think your husband needs a break from you at a point in time to do what he also loves?

Whitney: Dave, my problem is, I don’t feel included in his life.

DBM: Sir, what do you do to please your wife, while pleasing yourself at the same time?

Idris: This fucking interview is a perfect example; I don’t know you from shid, but because she’s a fan and follower, she wants me to participate in this group chat with you so we talk about our personal issues. Knowing very well I don’t like involving people in my business.

DBM: You had the choice to not do this, no?

Idris: She would have taken offense.

Whitney: You will not agree to counseling. This is the best alternative

Idris: Our marriage has been one form of guilt tripping me emotionally into commitments after the other. There is practically no room in my own life to express my very authentic feelings about anything.

Whitney: Our goal was to get married, have children and live a happy life

Idris: Oh, no! Don’t get it twisted; those were your schedules, not mine. I am not happy in this your story. And I am still craving out time that could be entirely mine.

DBM: This question is to the both of you; when you assess your priorities and put focus into perspective, what about you do you think you value the most?

Idris: My peace of mind.

Whitney: My husband, our marriage and children.

DBM: What are your love languages?

Idris: My wife wants to hear how much I love her and want to be with her. I like what we have built in the past eight years, but it’s not serving me right. You miss the mark with me. I miss the mark with you. I don’t think we are compatible. Bossu, this interview unfortunately is not working for me. The longest chat I have had with my wife, I guess. Bye

Whitney: Dave

DBM: I’m still here

Whitney: I think I heard what I wanted to hear

DBM: A man who is excited about you is attuned to what you think and feel. Such men are not burdened at the thought of leaning in carefully to learn and understand all of the ways your genuine desires and concerns aren’t being met. I know you love him, but is he happy about making you happy? Is his life fulfilled and complete with you in the picture?

Whitney: I’ve got to go. Thank you!

DBM: You’re welcome! This life is a never-ending effort to always figure things out. You will figure what works best for you somehow.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Luke

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 7 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 85: The name is Luke

DBM: Luke chapter what?

Luke: 😁

DBM: Hi Luke. How would you describe yourself?

Luke: I don’t know how to break this complication down: I am legally in a marital relationship with my wife. I have also agreed to work as a hired husband to my employer’s wife, for payment under the contract of employment.

DBM: What?

Luke: Yeah!

DBM: I will come back to this. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Luke: 8 + 2

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Luke: My situation ship. I came across a job advertisement. The job title was Client Satisfaction Manager. The job responsibilities included handling client issues during the execution life cycle in a timely and accurate fashion; compilation of data collected, and basically, knowing enough about each zone of the company, in order to make pertinent suggestions to the client. It also involved a lot of traveling. I applied and got my job interview scheduled. Dave, I needed a new challenge, and so I prepared for my interview to ensure I made the best impression possible. We were about six in number on the day I interviewed. In the course of answering a question directed at me, I saw the only lady on the panel focusing with an intense gaze at me. She picked her phone and texted someone. The owner of the company, who was part of the team interviewing me, picked his phone to read a message, and immediately started smiling. I gazed back at the lady and she was staring at my lips to probably gain further circumstantial cues about the responses I was giving. Well, so I thought. Twenty-five or so minutes later, I left the conference room feeling positive about my candidacy. I missed a call on the phone on my way home, and so I tried calling back. He cut my call and called back.

DBM: Who called?

Luke: The owner of the company.

DBM: How could you tell it was him?

Luke: I could recognize his voice from the interview.

DBM: Okay?

Luke: He arranged a private meeting at a venue, which turned out to be the house address of his wife. They were waiting for me when I arrived. He wanted to offer me a different job but under the title of Client Satisfaction Consultant. He wanted me to become his wife’s husband.

DBM: His wife’s husband?

Luke: I know, right? Creepy. He explained to me that he is unable to meet his wife’s emotional needs. He also said he was pursuing another love interest and didn’t want to divorce his wife because there is too much at stake. He wanted me to become the safe place his could come to when emotionally down. He was going to continue being her provider in monetary ways. However, I am expected to provide her strength when she’s frail, affection when she feels lonely and courage when she’s scared.

DBM: Did they know that you are a married man?

Luke: They knew. I had my wedding band on during the interview and the meeting at her house. They proposed a lucrative salary with all benefits included; pension and social insurance contributions – medical, death, education, annual paid leave and public holidays off. I start work at 8:30 am to 4:30 pm.

DBM: I really am following your story, but where is your office be located?

Luke: Per my contract, I report to the company’s headquarters twice a week, from 8:30 to 12:30 pm to do personal assignments, and then complete the remaining hours at his wife’s house. I have been given my own office.

DBM: Which days do you report at the office?

Luke: It’s per my discretion.

DBM: So, the three remaining weekdays, your job station is where?

Luke: His wife’s house.

DBM: How long have you been doing this?

Luke: For some time now

DBM: Can you put a time frame to it?

Luke: Yes, but it may inconvenience me. My wife can easily calculate from when I started job-hunting if she’s to come across this post.

DBM: But your job title equally gives you out, no?

Luke: I lied to her about the job title when I made the decision to accept this offer.

DBM: Aha!

Luke: Sometimes, a man has got to withhold certain truths about themselves or what they’re doing from their wives – just to avoid disappointing them. I know it’s not the best of decisions to make, that’s why I am choosing to shield my wife from pain and other possible consequences.

DBM: What if your wife decides to one day, surprise you at work?

Luke: My wife may consider a surprise on my birthdays or our wedding anniversaries. Those days, I ensure to be at work for the first half.

DBM: You have it all figured out, I guess?

Luke: Yes sir.

DBM: So, tell me how it works when you’re at the contract-wife’s house

Luke: I get home. Greet her with a kiss or hug; ask about her night. She prepares breakfast for us. After eating, she talks about whatever she’d want to talk about. Actually, I used to think my legal wife was a talker but this woman talks way more than my original wife. Anyhow, I don’t mind her talking so much, so I just listen and chat back. Most days in my original marriage, my wife and I argue a lot. But with this contract marriage, my woman and I don’t really argue.

DBM: I am just laughing in awe

Luke: I know. It will sound funny to me too 😊

DBM: How do you greet her when you first arrive at her home?

Luke: ‘Good morning, my Love’ or ‘darling, babe’ or ‘how is my lovely sunshine doing this morning?’ depending on my groove. Most mornings when I am there and I hear the shower turn on, I’ll climb in the shower with her and… Wheew! Those are usually beautiful mornings.

DBM: I can only imagine. So, this is not just some sex gig?

Luke: No, Dave. It’s a real-fake marriage. We would often watch a TV show together, make lunch together, and this is something I never thought I could do with my real wife. Some days, we just keep to ourselves. She would be reading a book and I would be in bed.

DBM: Do you do outings together?

Luke: No! But as I said earlier, we travel once in a while, to other places together.

DBM: Does it get boring?

Luke: Sometimes. And at those times, we both recognize it and keep to ourselves till it’s time for me to go home.

DBM: What is your feeling towards this job?

Luke: Dave, I am in love with her. Being in love only requires me to believe that I am in love. And I can confidently say that, this job has helped me grow to understand love even better. It’s helping me to appreciate my legal wife and children the more. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life without my original wife and work wife.

DBM: That’s good to know. But as at this moment, your wife doesn’t have a clue what you have been up to over the years. Aren’t you barring yourself from showing up authentically at your matrimonial home?

Luke: This secret is weighing me down, that’s why I am revealing it to you instead, so we share its load. I know my wife, she cannot organize her life around this information. I would spare her the hurt, sadness and anger.

DBM: Okay!

Luke: I love my job. Aside the benefits, I am learning a lot about women and how to treat them right. I am learning about love.

DBM: I am curious about one thing; does your wife not see any changes in you to suspect something?

Luke: I watch how I react around her when I am at home. Also, work officially ends when it’s 4:30 pm. Work-wife respects the boundaries.

DBM: Your wife doesn’t smell her perfume or scent on you?

Luke: She doesn’t use any presumes around me when I am at work. But even if she has to wear one to smell good, I’ve bought her my brand of perfumes to smell like me.

DBM: This is one of the interesting chats I have ever had in my life. Why did you choose me?

Luke: David, I haven’t always been your No.1 fan. But truth be told, I think you are using your Facebook to do a wonderful thing. I don’t agree with your prejudiced point of view when it comes to men and women. I can’t seem to wrap my head around why you think women are incapable of doing bad all by themselves. Anyways, that is a conversation for another day. But as I was saying, your platform is clean and sound. You know how to pull some of us out of our shelves to open up. It’s a rare gift, and I believe you have it. Just try not to change. Continue to be in a league of your own.

DBM: Appreciated. Thank you!

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Emefa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 82: Emefa

DBM: Hello Emefa. How would you describe yourself?

Emefa: I am a mother, and soon to be grandmother. Some of my close friends tell me that they feel better after talking to me. I am conscious of maintaining a clean and neat appearance. Lastly, I would say, I have a meaningful relationship with myself – which has been up and down, sometimes, sideways over the years. I change as a person when the people around me change. I change when circumstances around me change. I change as and when I want to change.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Emefa: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Emefa: I became a dowager in January, 2023. We were married for a good 32 years. It is still taking me time to process his death.

DBM: There are no words

Emefa: People try to say nice things to comfort me, but after they’ve left or ended their calls, I am left alone all over again to deal with my loss

DBM: Healing through moments like these comes slowly, but it does come.

Emefa: I guess

DBM: Has he been buried?

Emefa: Yes, weeks ago.

DBM: How did you meet your late husband?

Emefa: We ran into each other physically on the street one afternoon. I was going to buy food for lunch. He told me he had been writing letters to a strange P. O. Box address he saw in the newspaper, and the person had been writing back. They agreed on a date to meet on the street for the first time. She was supposed to be wearing a white and green outfit for easy identification because they didn’t know what the other looked like. Guess my favorite colors?

DBM: Green and white?

Emefa: With a pop of black in the mix. He says he noticed me in the crowd, from the opposite side of the road, in my white, green and black dress, and automatically assumed I was the lady he had been writing to. Looking back, my dress did stand out in the crowd. He jounced my shoulder while walking past me. I remember I turned and gave him a sarcastic look, and he had this confused expression on his face. I stopped walking and he approached me, smiling.

DBM: What did he say?

Emefa: ‘You have a beautiful presence’

DBM: Wait! Was he saying this to the stranger you, or the woman he had been writing letters to?

Emefa: He assumed I was his mystery lady. I thanked him for the compliment and went to buy my food. He followed me to the chop-bar, unknown to me. He bought food and came to sit next to my table. I have this habit of frequently glancing around a room to spot familiar faces. I did again this time, only to see him staring right at me.

DBM: You liked him?

Emefa: It felt uncomfortable to see him twice in 20 minutes. But he was very handsome. He had these really huge eyes. I am not talking about big; he had very huge eyes which almost seemed like they would pop out of his head.

DBM: Hehehe

Emefa: But they were at the same time attractive. I liked him a lot, yes.

DBM: Do you know whatever happened to the mystery lady?

Emefa: Yes, she wrote him back to say she got his letter from the post office very late. The date and time he proposed they met had passed by then.

DBM: Did he write back?

Emefa: I don’t think he did. We had started dating

DBM: I like the sound of that

Emefa: We had a lot of plans for the future together. He died too young

DBM: How many kids later?

Emefa: We had three together.

DBM: That’s nice

Emefa: And found out in January, that he has another son.

DBM: Huh?

Emefa: His other son is 26. My last child is 24

DBM: Is your last child a boy or girl?

Emefa: A boy. I have two daughters and a son.

DBM: How old are your girls?

Emefa: 30 and 28

DBM: Just this January?

Emefa: Sunday, 22nd January, 2023. Two days after my husband had passed, he showed up with his mother.

DBM: He is his son for real?

Emefa: He is. My husband had been taking care of him and his mother for the past 26 years. They had receipts, pictures, DNA results, and had been named in my husband’s will.

DBM: And, you did not know anything about this?

Emefa: I had no clue. I understand that a man has a responsibility to be a father to his child, but I am tremendously miffed and still dealing with the pain of the adultery he’s left me to battle with, alongside his death.

DBM: How is your heart and head managing through it all?

Emefa: I am not taking any major decisions about anything right now. Unfortunately, dead men don’t talk, so I want to see how everything is going to play out on its own merit. I signed on to this marriage thing as a lifelong commitment to my husband. And because I loved him so much, I tried to be the best for only him. I did not betray him by cheating on him. 32 years later, I can confidently say that I did my part. So, if what I gave is this memory he has left me with in return, then it’s all good.

DBM: How are your children taking the news of another brother?

Emefa: They are adults so they are allowing themselves time to navigate the intricacies of their father’s affair, the new brother and his mother – at their own pace.

DBM: Do you think they will build a relationship with their brother?

Emefa: My son, I know has been texting and calling him since the funeral. For my daughters, I hope they would eventually also get to know him.

DBM: Do you feel disappointed in your husband?

Emefa: I want to hold on to the beautiful memories we built together and leave this bad one behind. I want to keep retaining a positive outlook on life.

DBM: That’s fair. Do you see yourself getting married again?

Emefa: I will always love my husband. I will always have his love for me, but I will move on to something meaningful if I am to come across the right man interested in me.

DBM: You have the last word to say something to women

Emefa: A man is as hard to figure out as a woman. They can force themselves on your wavelength just to hide a bad deed. Pay attention to the intentions of the man you love. Some would be categorizing you as a soft touch and unconsciously, manipulate and play mind-games with you. Cut your losses and go if you catch him cheating. Because his behavior isn’t likely to stop. He will do it again, and again. I saw this firsthand after my husband’s death.

DBM: Your husband is not a representation of all men

Emefa: He was the perfect representation of men cheating on their wives. These men control their own narrative. Trusting their word that it won’t happen again is as true as you would want it to be.

Image Credit: Jackson David

Let’s Talk To Asantewaa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 80: Asantewaa

DBM: Hello Asantewaa. How would you describe yourself?

Asantewaa: 😭

DBM: Oh! What’s the matter?

Asantewaa: I don’t know where to begin

DBM: Let’s start from here. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Asantewaa: 0

DBM: Zero? You cannot be zero

Asantewaa: That’s how I feel

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Asantewaa: I just tested positive for HIV. I am so frightened; I don’t know how to process the news. I have not done anything wrong. I have not done anything bad. My husband is the only guy I have been sexual with since we married. I can swear on my life and the lives of our children, I am telling the truth. The news distresses me so much, I have not been myself a couple of days now. I don’t know if my husband senses my anxiety. Dave, I have never been this depressed in life.

DBM: Hey, slow down.

Asantewaa: I can’t. This is not my destiny

DBM: I am so sorry about everything happening to you right now

Asantewaa: I feel so alone

DBM: You are far from alone

Asantewaa: I don’t know what to do. I am going to die from AIDS

DBM: Being HIV-positive doesn’t mean you have AIDS. Try to calm down, please?

Asantewaa: How can I calm down!

DBM: It is going to be okay

Asantewaa: No, that’s a lie

DBM: Have you done further blood test to confirm the result?

Asantewaa: Yes. I have done three separate tests and they all came back positive

DBM: It may take some time, but I believe you will come to terms with it

Asantewaa: I will not

DBM: Hey, everything is going to be alright

Asantewaa: How do you know?

DBM: You are not the first person to share your HIV news with me on Facebook. Many people have, and their health seems to be better now because they know their HIV statuses. They tell me they’re able to get the right monitoring and treatment.

Asantewaa: This is so scary, Dave. This is not the life I dreamed for myself.

DBM: You can still chase after the life you dreamed for yourself before you learned that you were HIV-positive.

Asantewaa: Easier said. You are not in my shoes

DBM: I don’t have to be in your shoes to tell you that everything is really going to be alright. What has your doctor told you thus far?

Asantewaa: Hmmm! She says my immune system is working well, and the HIV isn’t progressing so fast. She also said I have a healthy body.

DBM: Okay! That’s good to know. Has your husband been tested?

Asantewaa: No! I’ve not told him anything yet

DBM: When do you plan telling him?

Asantewaa: I don’t know. I am still wrapping my head around the news

DBM: You don’t have to share your HIV diagnosis with everyone out there, but your husband has a legal right to know.

Asantewaa: I don’t know what I am more sacred of; me dying or my husband leaving me – when he finds out

DBM: His safety depends on it

Asantewaa: I know

DBM: And any sexual partners he’s had since being exposed to the infection.

Asantewaa: You know what? I’ve been thinking about that actually. Why am I HIV-positive if my husband is the only man, I’ve been having sex with since we married?

DBM: Were you both negative prior to marriage?

Asantewaa: Yes.

DBM: Off the top of my head, I can count 17 women who have shared their diagnosis with me. I think only two found out they had been infected after their husbands had come clean for them to get tested. The rest got to know through random tests, because their husbands either did not know, or knew but kept the information from them.

Asantewaa: My husband has not given me any reason to question him, nor his intentions or feelings. He has not given me a reason to doubt him or our relationship.

DBM: Not even once?

Asantewaa: We’ve had our disagreements every now and then, but he does not make me second-guess his emotions. He has not given me any reason not to trust him.

DBM: Again, you can only be certain after he’s been tested. Majority of the women who shared their experiences with me were convinced about the same things when it came to questioning their husbands’ fidelity to them. Whenever a man is trying so hard to make it clear to you that you are the only one he could ever be with, just ask for his phone and password; right there and then, to have a private tour on his daily conversations and activities.

Asantewaa: My husband has a password on his phone

DBM: Do you know the code?

Asantewaa: I don’t. But he knows mine. I let him have my phone anytime he wants to use it. The children have access to it too. I have nothing to hide; also, it’s because he is my husband.

DBM: I see

Asantewaa: But there have been times that he would be on his phone and would try to hide his screen from me.

DBM: Do you do that to him?

Asantewaa: I don’t.

DBM: Everyone is entitled to their privacy. However, if a partner starts to act shady or give any reason to suspect something is amiss, sometimes by hiding their phone screens while on phone next to you, then it is what it is

Asantewaa: I usually do not have a clue what he does on his phone, and I don’t ask

DBM: What prompted you to get tested?

Asantewaa: I was experiencing recurring vaginal yeast infections. I was feeling so tired all the time, I wasn’t finding my energy to be intimate with my husband. Also, my husband used to complain about the heat in the environment in general, when he used to sweat at night. I had to visit the hospital when I experienced itchy skin rashes

DBM: I see.

Asantewaa: I feel myself growing angry again

DBM: Why is that?

Asantewaa: What if my husband is the reason smiles have fallen off my face?

DBM: If you love your husband, and still want to spend the rest of your life with him, HIV does not have to affect that.

Asantewaa: I am not going to be my husband’s keeper if he did this to me.

DBM: Please let me know what happens after confronting him.

Image Credit: Godisable Jacob

Let’s Talk To Adelaide

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 77: Adelaide

DBM: Hi Adelaide. How would you describe yourself?

Adelaide: I feel all alone. I walk alone, and I have no one but myself and my children

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Adelaide: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Adelaide: I feel like I am not as pumped to make the most of my marriage

DBM: Why is that?

Adelaide: I am disappointed in my husband, and I am very scared of the future ahead of me if I continue to be married to him

DBM: How long have you been married?

Adelaide: Nine years

DBM: What is making you feel disappointed in him?

Adelaide: He is financially unstable. He has been making me pay the bills at home; he shares the payment of our children’s school fees with me. I am paying half of our rent. The amount he gives to feed the house every month is never enough. I am always topping up with so much, I am unable to save for my future.

DBM: Is he in that financial position to give more than he can afford?

Adelaide: He can do better, but he just refuses to. He thinks because I work and also earn enough, he can be miserly when it comes to money. What I am saying has absolutely nothing to do with marrying a man who is well-to-do, and can make like comfortable for me and our children. I am talking about marrying a real man who can handle financial responsibilities right.

DBM: I see

Adelaide: He doesn’t see the good in spending on his wife and children. He only spends when he wants to. He is not happy about anything in life; he complains about everything. Dave, I was very sick the other time and was taken to the hospital. They called my husband to inform him. When it was time for me to be discharged, he came to the ward, asking for my debit card PIN to settle my hospital bill. In other words, my sickness, my bill to pay. Meanwhile. I have been supporting him even in the worst of situations. He talks negative about some of my friends, and has become a negative atmosphere around me.

DBM: Has he always been like that, or he recently started playing smart?

Adelaide: I don’t have an answer to that question, because I am not sure when this person he’s become ever was. My marriage feels worse than before. I don’t have joy in me. He knows how to manipulate certain feelings and behaviors in me to his advantage.

DBM: Do you know what his priorities are?

Adelaide: His work, career and the children. Those are the goals superseding everything else in his life. He thinks he is superior to others who are not in his rank, and has little or no respect for other people’s feelings. My husband is selfish even if he has money.

DBM: I am terribly sorry about this

Adelaide: If I had known this was what I was going to sign up for, I would have avoided him at all cost.

DBM: What do you see in your marriage, three to five years from now?

Adelaide: Misery

DBM: My guess is, your husband is also thinking you are part to blame for whatever is the unsolved problem (s) in your marriage

Adelaide: Dave, when we argue, I am able to point out his actions that hurt my feelings to his face. He has never been bold to tell me, I did this or that, that is why he does this or that in return. In fact, the more I have gotten focused on our marriage, the less he has. I have done things to make him feel loved and cared about. All he does is to enjoy the benefits without lifting a finger, and it’s leaving me drained and vulnerable. At this moment, I am getting sick and tired of him.

DBM: Do you think you are in a toxic marriage?

Adelaide: I would say it’s 50% toxic, and 100% unhappy

DBM: When you search from deep within, do you recognize any part you might have played to turn your husband into this inconsiderate person he’s become?

Adelaide: I wish I knew. On our wedding reception, he told everyone he had married the best woman in the world.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Adelaide: I don’t!

DBM: Why?

Adelaide: He lies a lot. And that has been detrimental to our marriage.

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Adelaide: My heart used to surge at the sight of him. Now, I cannot be so sure because I’ve started to check out. I am feeling very hurt, and I want to know what to do. If I can leave this marriage without my children hating me, Dave, trust me; I’d do it.

DBM: Assuming your husband is going to chance on this conversation when published, what would you want him to know?

Adelaide: I feel neglected when you care more about your phone than what I have to say. I feel neglected when you care more about your work than spending time with me. I get frustrated when all you want is sex, and not intimacy with me. I don’t ignore your attempts for sex; I don’t upset you or create frustrations in our marriage; I don’t fake being asleep when you want sex; I don’t say, ‘I’m not feeling well’ when you want sex. I do not avoid you, yet you only do something for me when you want sex. Whenever I raise a serious concern, you immediately have an excuse to throw back without taking responsibility for anything.

DBM: Do you see your marriage to be broken?

Adelaide: Yes

DBM: And, do you see you and your husband, devoted enough to want to resolve what could be broken?

Adelaide: I know I am

DBM: You have more influence in your marriage than you think

Image Credit: Alex Green

Let’s Talk To Eloise

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 76: Call me Eloise

DBM: Hello Eloise. How would you describe yourself?

Eloise: Married, mother and a banker. I have a kind heart.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Eloise: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Eloise: My husband wants me to get my tubes tied, meanwhile I am not done having children. We have just two boys, and I want a girl. We discussed children and how I feel about them when we were dating. He knows it is an emotional conversation for me due to the circumstances surrounding my upbringing. I want to have a large family of my own because I grew up as an only child. We are both in good financial standing to raise as many children we want; he knows how important it is for me to have a girlchild. He is being unreasonable, and so I have challenged him to go get a vasectomy instead, because I will not undergo tubal ligation at my age. This is not the best decision I want for me and my body.

DBM: How old are you?

Eloise: 34

DBM: And, for how long have you two been married?

Eloise: Five years

DBM: What did he say when you suggested he rather got snipped?

Eloise: He wouldn’t hear it

DBM: Why?

Eloise: He fears it would hinder his sex drive.

DBM: But I hear vasectomy only makes you infertile, and not impotent

Eloise: So, he can have erections and have sex and ejaculate, right?

DBM: Yes. He will still produce sperm. Just that it wouldn’t leave his body in the semen form.

Eloise: In as much as I love my husband, I will not tie my tubes for any man. What if he dies? And the man I marry next wants to have children with me? I will not risk it. He should get vasectomy to make him humble.

DBM: One of my best friends got her tubes tied after her ex-husband insisted, she did because they had had all their children in the marriage. The man got another woman pregnant before my friend even divorced him.

Eloise: Seriously?

DBM: Seriously! And the truth is, your fallopian tubes are not tied into some cute little crossbow during this procedure. Nope! It’s either part or all of your tubes are blocked, cut or removed.

Eloise: They say it can be reversed, right?

DBM: I don’t know. According to another friend who did it but later tried to undo it with surgery, it was next to impossible. This is what I can say from the two experiences of my friends; it is not always possible to have it reversed. And assuming they even manage to surgically undo it, it would not guarantee pregnancy. So, before agreeing to your husband’s demands, be sure you do not have any plans on having children.

Eloise: Thank you David, this is very helpful.

DBM: Again, I may be wrong.

Eloise: You are not wrong. The examples of your friends just made my point.

DBM: Does your husband want children?

Eloise: Of course. It’s every man’s dream

DBM: Not mine

Eloise: You don’t want children?

DBM: I love children, and I believe I am great with them but I am the type that never wanted to have one of my own, because I naturally don’t want people around me. Two is a lot of crowds for me. Anyways, back to my question: does your husband want children? Is it a conversation he willingly participated in and directly expressed interest in while dating, or you’re just assuming on him?

Eloise: I think he doesn’t mind a child of his own. He loves our boys from all indications.

DBM: Why do you want a girl?

Eloise: I will bond with a daughter better. I will understand her feelings. My dream is also to get the opportunity to dress her like the princess I know she would be. I didn’t get to experience a true relationship with my mother.

DBM: So, in other words, you want to re-do your childhood with your daughter?

Eloise: And more

DBM: And fix yourself and your traumas by starting afresh with a mini you, you mean?

Eloise: Something like that.

DBM: You don’t bond with your sons?

Eloise: I do, but it’s not the same. Secondly, my sons enrage me for no reason. I love them, but I wished for at least, one girl between the two. I want to leave this world knowing I left a better version of myself behind through a daughter.

DBM: You think a girl is more of value than a boy?

Eloise: I don’t think that. I just… I want to have a bouncing baby girl. That will make me very happy in my marriage.

DBM: How many kids did you two plan on having before agreeing to marriage?

Eloise: I told him four, but he wanted one

DBM: Why did he want one?

Eloise: He said he wanted to enjoy me and the marriage for the first three or four years before having kids.

DBM: When did you have your first son?

Eloise: Before our first wedding anniversary

DBM: What is your priority now?

Eloise: I don’t understand your question

DBM: What is the most important thing in your life right now?

Eloise: For now, it’s all about my children.

DBM: Where does your husband fit in your priorities?

Eloise: He is there somewhere important.

DBM: Why isn’t your marriage the first priority?

Eloise: Dave, marriage comes with a lot of responsibilities. Children are one of them

DBM: Are you not unconsciously dishonoring your commitment to your husband? You made vows to him on your wedding day, not to your children.

Eloise: I do my wifely duties. He will testify

DBM: What are your wifely duties?

Eloise: David Bondze-Mbir

DBM: Yes please

Eloise: My marriage is sorted. Let’s not go there

DBM: I will respect that. But let me say what I wanted to say; prioritizing your relationship with your husband is the best investment in your children. Your boys will one day grow up and leave the house to start with their own lives. Hopefully, by then, you would not be a stranger to your husband.

Eloise: I sleep and wake up next to my husband. We will never be strangers.

DBM: Okay! I am glad you feel you’re not losing your footing.

Eloise: Are you done?

DBM: I am done.

Image Credit: William Fortunato

Let’s Talk To Ida

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 75: My name is Ida

DBM: Hi Ida! How would you describe yourself?

Ida: I am a passionate, down-to-earth lady, with a husband, children and a past.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ida: I am 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ida: As a young girl, I dreamt of being swept off my feet by a powerful man with deep pockets and love for me. I lean more towards wealthy men by default, no matter how ugly. In fact, a man with good money could bed me, because I am a desirable woman. I’ve been married to one such guy for the past 12 years, and I have a stable family life right now – though I know he has had continuous sexual relationships on the side.

DBM: Does this bother you?

Ida: Not at all.

DBM: Okay!

Ida: When it comes to love, I make it my own. 13 years ago, I loved three different men for different reasons. I was not sleeping with any them because I had friend-zoned them in a way. The one I was very much in love with was struggling financially. Unfortunately, he was the one who proposed marriage to me first. The response I had in my head was an overwhelming ‘No’, but I couldn’t stand the thought of breaking his heart just like that, and so I asked for time to think into his proposal. Okay, so I had this best girlfriend that I grew up with. She knew about the ins and outs of my dating life. I knew about hers too with other men. She had always believed the guy who proposed marriage to me first was a good man, and could make the perfect husband. She knew about the other rich men I was crushing on, and deeply cared about or admired in some way; she liked them for me but still preferred the struggling guy. Nine months passed and I hadn’t given him any response. I was waiting to see if the other two would step up and propose. Dave, I was at work one afternoon when I received a wedding invitation from my best friend; she and the guy who proposed to me first had set a date.

DBM: They were dating?

Ida: Apparently, she had told the guy I had two rich men on the side

DBM: You had two rich men on the side

Ida: But it wasn’t her place to tell; especially after knowing how much I cared about him.

DBM: Were you ever going to consider his proposal?

Ida: Dave, men are supposed to be providers. A broke man has no business marrying. I am not saying he has to be super wealthy; though, that wouldn’t hurt. A man with good financial aptitude can function at a certain level as a husband to his wife. That was the reason why I couldn’t accept his proposal then. I needed him to add some value to his manhood. A woman’s intuition can navigate through a man’s financial drive

DBM: What was his drive?

Ida: It was very low on appetite. I needed more to feel secure. Dave, life then was tough enough for me, and I wasn’t sure I could support a grown man.

DBM: Was he a lazy guy?

Ida: He wasn’t. He was very hardworking, though in-between jobs

DBM: Okay!

Ida: I cut all ties between me and them when the guy confirmed their engagement. Luckily for me, one of the rich guys asked for my hand in marriage, and the rest they say is history. Three weeks ago, I received a LinkedIn request to connect with him. Mind you, I have not spoken to this guy nor his wife since 2011. He asked for my number and called. He said he needed my help and wanted us to meet face to face. I suggested he passed by my office. When he entered and closed the door behind him, he starred me down without breaking eye contact. I couldn’t look away either, though I was very nervous. He walked straight to me, asked for a hug, and then kissed me with a lot of tongue. Something about that kiss froze time. Dave, it was hot, passionate, unexpected, and has stayed with me since he left.

DBM: What kind of help did he want?

Ida: He needed help to sort out his feelings.

DBM: What feelings?

Ida: He says I never left him.

DBM: What does that mean?

Ida: I don’t know!

DBM: What work does he do now?

Ida: Oh, he’s doing very well – I am impressed. He earns almost twice the amount I make a month. Dave, I make pretty good money

DBM: Prior to the kiss, did you have feelings for him?

Ida: I did. I do.

DBM: I see

Ida: To the extent of thinking of him fucking me while having sex with my husband

DBM: You love him that much?

Ida: “You never left me.” That’s what he said.

DBM: Awww!

Ida: He has three adorable children with his wife, and I know they are very happy together – because I’ve been checking them out on their progress over the years on Facebook.

DBM: My guess is, he’s been doing same

Ida: You think?

DBM: I can only speak from my experience when it comes to love and how it connects weirdly. You would be there minding your business, and then this sudden energetic, meaningful warmth would flash your thoughts about your beloved. Something about them that puts a smile on your face or heart for no reason. A minute or two later, you receive a text notification on phone from them, thinking about or missing on you.

Ida: I have never experienced that with my husband. He calls randomly to tell me he misses or loves me. I respond but it’s usually just to make him happy. I don’t feel it as he does.

DBM: If the bond between you and the other guy is genuine, then there is this bridge you two built in the past that still connects your love, joy and understanding of each other. My guess is, you both had been sending positive energy back and forth to each other, prior to your physical and emotional bond (kiss) in your office.

Ida: I never stopped loving him. I never got over him, and I am looking forward to meeting with him again.

DBM: Are you planning on meeting again?

Ida: This weekend

DBM: I see

Ida: I don’t know what I am doing. Can your followers on Facebook help me think through this before Saturday?

DBM: Love comes and goes, Ida. Love changes over time too. I know about some loves that nourished or weakened. Others too completely vanished, only to come back again, later on, for another round.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Frema

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 72: I choose Frema

DBM: Hello Frema. How would you describe yourself?

Frema: I am a wife, mother and business woman.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Frema: I’m 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Frema: I think my husband committed a heinous crime a few years ago and he’s getting away with it because he thinks no one knows.

DBM: You think or you know?

Frema: I know

DBM: How do you know?

Frema: I found an old phone he hasn’t used in years stashed in one of his boxes. I bought a sim card from another network to use as my other number and found text messages between him and the husband of a friend, plotting the crime, and acknowledging execution of it.

DBM: I am tempted to ask about the nature of the crime but I don’t want to also get so much involved – if it’s what I’m thinking

Frema: It’s the gravest of all crimes, Dave.

DBM: For how long have you known about your husband’s crime?

Frema: Some months now, but I have been trying to act normal at home; like I don’t know anything. I don’t know if it’s working because it’s creating this friction between us. I am not able to freely love him like I used to. I am tensed sometimes, and would be reading into his every action around me.

DBM: Do you know anything about the victim?

Frema: Not much. All I have is a name in their conversation.

DBM: What is going through your mind right now?

Frema: From all indications, whatever happened, happened in the past. Should I be judging a man by his past actions?

DBM: By ‘past actions’, do you mean the crime or mistakes committed?

Frema: It’s one and the same or?

DBM: I do not think it’s the same. What’s your honest opinion about your husband’s character?

Frema: He has a dodgy character; no two-ways about that. But unfortunately for me, I had fallen in love with him – years before finding out all these. We have children together.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Frema: 40%. I’d say he cares about his children and their needs. He does his best for the home. I can’t take that fact away from him. He is a family man. But he’s also manipulated me into forgiving certain things he’s done outside the marriage to make me not trust him.

DBM: A crime is different from an affair. You can forgive an affair but there is no excuse for letting criminals run free

Frema: He is the father of my children. I cannot have him apprehended just like that. That’s the dilemma conflicting my thoughts

DBM: Who else knows about this secret?

Frema: The wife of the other man my husband plotted the crime with

DBM: Have you two discussed the way forward?

Frema: She’s been suggesting we confront our husbands with the text evidence

DBM: To activate their criminal instincts again or what? Will you two be in a safe space if you’re to confront them?

Frema: I don’t know!

DBM: Has she a copy of the texts?

Frema: No! She only read it on the phone when we met to discuss the issue. The phone is in my possession.

DBM: I see

Frema: Does the marriage vow include being loyal to a criminal? I love my husband though

DBM: If the crime is exactly what you’re indirectly painting to my mind’s eye, then I don’t think it’s wise to cover up for him.

Frema: What if he’s a changed man? We all deserve a second chance at life

DBM: The law, I understand is on your side if you do not tolerate his crime, be it past or present

Frema: What I am saying is, I cannot raise and provide for our children all by myself if he’s to be locked up.

DBM: I understand you

Frema: My concern is my friend. She’s still in shock and contemplating on reporting her husband to the authorities. Their marriage was already on a shaky ground, so you can imagine what this extra information is causing her to do. She’s told me she would be filing for divorce.

DBM: A husband’s past crime is a solid grounding for divorce. These were acts that you had no role or knowledge of till recently.

Frema: I want to protect my husband

DBM: I respect your decision

Frema: Dave, when you love someone, you’d do anything and everything possible to protect their best interest, even if it means me giving up common sense in order to keep him safe

DBM: How about the victim’s family? Don’t they deserve justice for their loved one?

Frema: In a situation like mine, everything about this conversation is wrong, but it’s also worth it protecting the father of my children.

DBM: Do you want my honest opinion?

Frema: Yeah

DBM: Many of the marriages and love relationships I know of, have been wrecked by issues that disguised themselves as inconsequential. A lot of serious matters do not appear nor feel damaging simply because we choose not to view them in that light. That, is the danger I fear for you, Frema. You’re choosing not to recognize a criminal past as a threat to your marriage, family and sanity – and because of that, you’re refusing to stay on your guard. Someday, your husband or his friend would sniff the hint, and it would be too late for either of you to do the right thing.

Frema: My husband will not harm me.

DBM: I hope you are right

Frema: My husband will not harm me

DBM: Just note that, there are negative repercussions to every decision made in favor of a person prone to any form of criminal activity.

Frema: I agree with you

DBM: Seriously do consider how your decision ultimately affects your marriage and most importantly, your mental health.

Frema: I will. Thank you, David

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Shvets Production

Let’s Talk To Gabe

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 68: Gabe

DBM: Hello Gabe. How would you describe yourself?

Gabe: A single parent

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Gabe: 7-ish

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Gabe: I have two friends that are really good to me. One is my Senior Secondary School sweetheart. She was my first love. I have realized that my feelings for her never went away. The second lady was the best friend of my late wife. My wife died 14 months after we married. She left behind our son, whom I have raised all by myself since 2016. My son adores my late wife’s best friend the most, because he bonds with her daughter. They were born the same day, and at the same hospital. They attend the same school and often spend the weekends and holidays in her house or mine. My SSS sweetheart divorced her husband after she realized I was single, and that, we still had feelings for one another. Both ladies are my soul mates; they bring something different in me – which I like very much when I am with each of them. I love the man I become when I am with them. I want to consider marriage and I am confused as to which of the ladies to choose. My son’s favorite is his best friend’s mother. He already addresses her as ‘mummy’. She’s also a single parent. My favorite lady, however, is my SSS sweetheart.

DBM: Okay?

Gabe: I don’t know what to do

DBM: Are you having sex with both ladies?

Gabe: I am. They’re good in bed

DBM: Do they know they are two of them in your life?

Gabe: No, but they have an idea of my friendship with the two of them

DBM: Are you in an exclusive relationship with them?

Gabe: No. I am not dating them officially. It’s the friends-with-benefit kind of situation

DBM: They both understand that is all there is to it?

Gabe: I think so

DBM: But they would want to be in a serious commitment with you?

Gabe: Yes.

DBM: Why is your high school sweetheart your favorite?

Gabe: She gave me an assurance

DBM: Which was?

Gabe: Leaving her marriage to come and be with me, which she did.

DBM: What do you really like about the other lady?

Gabe: She reminds me of my wife.

DBM: And, is that a good or bad thing?

Gabe: It’s good news

DBM: What kind of woman are you looking for in a wife?

Gabe: The two represent everything beautiful I am seeking in a wife

DBM: But you need to make a choice, no?

Gabe: I am in love with both ladies. I know they love me too, Dave. I was thinking I would marry one and secretly continue with the other.

DBM: How about coming clean about your feelings to the both of them?

Gabe: I can’t

DBM: Why not?

Gabe: Because I lied to them once when they asked at different times whether I was messing around with the other

DBM: Why did you lie about it?

Gabe: I didn’t want to hurt their feelings

DBM: The respect a man places on a woman, and the valor and maturity he presents in telling her the truth, looking beyond his present circumstances, looking beyond his desires and wants and needs, is the absolute measure of his true character as a person.

Gabe: I am a good man in love with two women.

DBM: Are you under any pressure to marry soon?

Gabe: No, but I would wish to be married by the end of the year

DBM: Give yourself time to choose. Let them know you are dating other women too

Gabe: It wouldn’t be fair to one. She left her marriage for me

DBM: Did you ask her to?

Gabe: No, but I didn’t stop her either when she told me about her decision.

DBM: Both ladies are mature. If you’re to ask any one of them to make a life decision about choosing you as their husband, at least, you owe it to them to choose in full knowledge of all the facts, no?

Gabe: I don’t want to hurt one’s feelings

DBM: Relationships are always risky. It might or not work out somehow, and we’re supposed to take responsibility for our actions when it comes to love.

Gabe: My son will be very happy if I marry the woman he adores. Do I consider his happiness in all this?

DBM: How important is your son to you?

Gabe: He’s my everything

DBM: Even more than the women you’re chasing?

Gabe: He is the love of my life

DBM: Good, because the relationship he has with you is what is setting the template for how he is to relate to every other person in his life and yours.

Gabe: I know

DBM: So, put yourself in his shoes. Which of the women would you have preferred?

Gabe: But do you understand the dilemma I find myself in?

DBM: I do. I am just trying to also put myself in the shoes of the women. If I were to be dating you, I would already know at the back of my head that, anything at all could happen for us not to be together. I would know you are capable of not choosing me; you’re capable of hurting my feelings. But then, I would prefer you rather end things with me in all honesty than a lie. These are your friends, meaning, you genuinely care about them. Why not allow them the dignity of knowing the actual truth about your decision?

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

Let’s Talk To Damian and Lololi

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 66: I am Damian. My wife’s name is Lololi. We want to participate individually in one segment

DBM: Hello Damian and Lololi. How would you describe yourselves?

Damian: I am tall, dark and handsome. I work for what I have, that’s why my accomplishments taste even sweeter. My wife can attest to this: I confidently hold the floor with exceptional footwork to dance my heart out. I am 59 years, slightly stubborn, but a great dad and husband. My best attribute is randomly having to woo my wife

Lololi: Dam is right about one thing; he’s got crazy dance moves. I am 56 years young, thriving professionally and my own woman. I do not have it all, but I have a bit of everything a woman dreams of. Always been independent; I am a picky eater, I can take silly jokes, and have the basic understanding of time. I can hold a conversation about almost anything with anyone, and I take very good care of my body.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Damian: I am 8

Lololi: 7 for me

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Damian: Our 25-year wedding anniversary is this July. I want to talk about my wife and how far we have come

Lololi: I have fallen in and out of love with my husband for the past 25 years. I want to share how I have been able to keep my part of the marriage going when I was out of love

DBM: How did you meet?

Damian: My wife is my ex-girlfriend’s best friend. My cousin had come to Ghana for a short visit, and had asked my then ex, if she knew of any single friends to go on a date with him. It was my third date with her friend. She talked me into agreeing to a double date with my wife and his cousin. That was how we met and decided to make the swap

Lololi: One of my best friends was trying to facilitate a hookup between me and Dam’s favorite cousin. We went on a double date and it was my first time meeting my husband. My friend had told me about Damian, because their relationship was just two weeks old. She had told me she liked him but wasn’t sure he was her type. I remember she once told me; her date was the type I liked. There was a live band playing and Dam asked me to dance with him to my surprise. I agreed to the dance not expecting to like him. My friend was okay with the idea. His cousin, who was supposed to be my date for the evening, danced with my friend, and I actually saw them exchanging numbers. We were on opposite sides, and Dam asked if I was going to have to see his cousin again. His cousin walked to us and told Dam, he felt he had a lot in common with his date. He asked for his permission to date his woman, and he agreed, because he actually felt there was an ongoing chemistry between us.

DBM: Damian, how far had you gone sexually with your ex-date prior to the double date?

Damian: We hadn’t gotten to that stage yet. Our relationship was still fresh

DBM: Where is your cousin and the lady now?

Damian: They’re in Canada, married with children

DBM: At what point did you both know you were meant to be?

Damian: Marriage had always been a huge commitment to undertake. I love to have a lot of fun, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to spend the rest of my life with just one woman. My wife gave me the freedom to express my fears and concerns, without the feeling of judgement. Our friendship was such that, she did not place a demand to make me afraid of losing her. She realized I liked girls a lot, so she gave me the liberty to date other women before settling on one. Unfortunately for me, anytime I was out with another woman, and need to say I went out with a lot, I was always thinking about Lololi. That was when I knew I would rather hang out with her than anyone else. Because I was calling her every evening and sharing every little detail about my day with her.

Lololi: I fell in love with Dam because he is kind and compassionate, very funny and would put me first. I knew he was the man for me because he was taking up a major real space in my mind. I craved for his presence, and did not want happiness for just myself, but for him too. I could confidently trust in my decision to want to be with him, and how he made me feel.

DBM: What were some of your talking points before tying the knot?

Damian: For me, money is everything when it comes to a relationship. Before we married, we had a heart to heart talk on how to prioritize our spending habits. We discussed the sharing of expenses. The second important conversation was about sex. I have entered a relationship in the past because of sex; I have left a relationship because of lack of sex. My overall quality of life looks balanced because I have a lot of good sex.

Lololi: I brought up the topic of children. Luckily for us, we both wanted to have kids. We talked about the possibility of struggling to get pregnant, and agreed on what to do as a team if that happened to us. I am not sexually closed minded, and so we’ve enjoyed a healthy sex life. I told him about my dealbreakers and explained why I wasn’t bothered about him dating different women before deciding to marry me. In marriage, I demand for faithfulness; no secret affairs or relationships. I also requested for a collaboration in exploring different ways to be intimate with me.

DBM: What was the most special part of your wedding celebration?

Damian: When we hit the dancefloor at the reception. All that dancing and laughter was a lot of fun

Lololi: The exchange of vows was my special takeaway. He looked into my eyes with every promise he made

DBM: What has been the most challenging time over the years in your marriage?

Damian: The first nine years were tough on us because we couldn’t have children. I began to question everything and forgot about the agreement I made with my wife. Those were lonely times

Lololi: I found out my husband was having an affair. I rented an apartment close to my workplace, and left him alone in the house for a year. Three months out, I was pregnant with his child. The pregnancy saved my sanity, because I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I had our first son while separated. My son gave me focus, and made me laugh and smile again. Dam swore on the life of our little boy, never to cheat on me again. The promise of fidelity is an important part of my marriage, and true happiness occurs when you are with the right person who respects your value enough to not want to take the risk of hurting or losing you by doing something utterly stupid.

DBM: What are you proudest of as a couple?

Damian: I am proud of my ability to choose monogamy as my lifestyle. It has helped me to form an honest commitment to just my wife. I have found fulfilment in my wife, marriage and family

Lololi: I had to learn how to forgive Dam, at a point where I couldn’t. I prayed to God for a heart like His, so I could do the right thing for my family. Forgiveness has been my proudest moment.

DBM: What does marriage mean to you?

Damian: Giving our relationship the best chance to thrive and succeed.

Lololi: Marriage has inspired me to love myself the most. It’s been my guide to set stronger boundaries to protect my sanity and what serves me. I am not defined by the fact that we are a ‘we’ in this union. I own my voice, actions and opinions, and have been true to myself for the past 25 years.

DBM: You have the last word

Damian: It’s easy to take your spouse for granted if you’re with them all the time. My marriage is better now because I have come to accept that, not everyday will be perfect; not every day will even feel great, and that has to be okay with me.

Lololi: A woman should not give up control over her decisions, just to get married or date a man. Being in love is not the main event of your entire life, so do not see the world through the eyes of the man you love by buying every excuse given you hook, line and sinker. Connect with your inner voice, connect with your passion and dreams, connect with your energy and strength; connect with all of your feelings, especially with anger. Do not leave your sense of self behind so you can make others happy.

Image Credit: Korede Adenola

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