Tag: Marriage

Let’s Talk To Abdul

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 31: My name is Abdul

DBM: Hello Abdul. Please tell me a little about yourself

Abdul: I am the provider in my family, and have been through numerous experiences in life but would not let these experiences limit or define me. I am 48 years old, a Lawyer, married, and a father.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Abdul: I want to talk about me being a man, a husband and a father.

DBM: I’m interested.

Abdul: Dave, I go through a whole lot, and it’s unfortunate that sometimes, though I am married to a great woman, I tend to have no one to turn to

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: Because we’ve been conditioned to believe that, being strong means keeping quiet about certain things; and that we have to mask our emotions as men

DBM: Who has placed these conditions on you?

Abdul: The world and the society I find myself in.

DBM: I see

Abdul: I’ve been suffering in silence to be honest with you. I’m always keeping important issues bothering me to myself, and I don’t get to deal with them accordingly.

DBM: What kind of issues bother you?

Abdul: I’m supposed to be happily married but it feels like I am not fully into it

DBM: Not fully into the marriage or your wife?

Abdul: Both, and even the idea of being a father to my own children.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Abdul: I will be doing nine years this August.

DBM: That’s wonderful

Abdul: But it’s like, I am ruining my own happiness on the account of someone else’s happiness.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Abdul: I wanted to get married because I wanted to fall in love

DBM: What did you see in your wife?

Abdul: Beauty. I was attracted to her. And, she wanted to be married to me because she was in love with me.

DBM: When you look in her face today, what do you see?

Abdul: I don’t know what I see.

DBM: Take your time to think about my question. Let me give you an example: when I look in the face of the one I am in love with, I see joy, smiles; I see hope for us, I see someone who genuinely cares about and wants the very best for me; I see my name, and everything that is important to me written all over this person’s desires. I see their own strength, and dreams and abilities to want to accomplish so much for themselves, do good for themselves, so they can get to live a good life with me in it.

Abdul: I see confusion, sometimes sadness and anger in her eyes.

DBM: What do you see in the mirror when you look at you?

Abdul: Regrets, confusion, unhappiness, and a wish to be left alone.

DBM: What do you like about your wife?

Abdul: She’s a good mother to our children. I know she tries to be a good wife to me

DBM: I know you’re physically attracted to her. Are you sexually attracted to her?

Abdul: Yes!

DBM: Are you happy with the woman in the position of a wife to you?

Abdul: I don’t know how to answer this question.

DBM: When you made the decision to want to get married to her, did you know what you were getting yourself into?

Abdul: I thought I did.

DBM: What were you certain of, before you embarked on this journey?

Abdul: I knew I had a beautiful woman; I knew I was going to enjoy limitless sex with her; I knew our children would be in good hands

DBM: But you weren’t certain you were ever going to be happy with her in your picture?

Abdul: I don’t think I ever thought of it.

DBM: Do you share the same interests?

Abdul: Not really.

DBM: Do you like your wife the way she is or you’d love for her to change?

Abdul: I don’t know

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Abdul: We talk

DBM: Who do you resent the most, your wife or you?

Abdul: I resent myself

DBM: Why?

Abdul: Because I chose to put myself in this situation.

DBM: Does your wife respect you?

Abdul: She does.

DBM: What does your wife say to people in respect to what you are to her?

Abdul: I’ve heard her tell her family and friends that I am a provider and her protector.

DBM: What are your priorities in life?

Abdul: To be happy

DBM: You’re not happy now, but do you see any potential in being a happy man with your wife and children by your side?

Abdul: No!

DBM: Do you love your children?

Abdul: I do

DBM: What are your goals in life?

Abdul: To achieve my dreams.

DBM: What percentage of your dreams have been achieved?

Abdul: I’d say, 50%

DBM: What does the other half entail?

Abdul: Building a happy home with my soul mate.

DBM: Is your wife your soul mate?

Abdul: I don’t know.

DBM: How soon did you two start to be intimate after your first meet?

Abdul: The attraction was there, and so we hit it off not so long after. Why that question?

DBM: I am very old fashioned, and sometimes believe sex can confuse me from clearly understanding my commitment and depth to someone I like.

Abdul: I had feelings for her

DBM: Question is, what type of feelings were they? Since you were already picturing getting laid

Abdul: That makes sense.

DBM: Are you open and honest about your true feelings to your wife?

Abdul: No!

DBM: How about, to you?

Abdul: I doubt it

DBM: Do you trust your wife?

Abdul: I do

DBM: Do you get to acknowledge to yourself, exactly what is bothering you?

Abdul: I often would dismiss it when it come to mind.

DBM: Why?

Abdul: It’s easier that way.

DBM: Can your marriage in any way, help you fix whatever is troubling you?

Abdul: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Abdul: I wish I didn’t have this conversation with you.

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: I don’t know. I don’t know what I want

DBM: Abdul…

Abdul: Yeah

DBM: It is very okay not to be okay. But do not rob yourself of your emotions. Do not rob yourself of your heart. Don’t be walking around for so long, feeling broken within. Try to make it easy on you, so you can find delight in hanging out with your own self.

Abdul: Okay!

DBM: Be an influence to your own mood

Image Credit: Nicola Barts

 

Let’s Talk To Ayitey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 26 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 29: Ayitey

DBM: Hey Ayi! Please tell me a little about yourself

Ayitey: I am an unhappy husband, often depressed due to the uncertainties of the state of my marriage at the moment.

DBM: What’s happening to your marriage?

Ayitey: My wife is battling with cancer, and I am finding it hard to cope. Seeing her in pain sometimes makes me wish I were single

DBM: Is she on treatment?

Ayitey: She is, but the nausea, exhaustion and bloating are heart wrenching to watch. I feel powerless when I am unable to help someone I care about. She’s really suffering, and I dread seeing her every day.

DBM: I am sorry about that

Ayitey: She’s not the same woman I used to love. She’s not attractive to me.

DBM: Mastectomy, I know leads to body-image concerns. I have a friend whose breast was removed.

Ayitey: My wife looks miserable and there is nothing I can do to make her feel alright. Emotionally, I am suffering; physically, I am suffering

DBM: She’s enduring same, if not more.

Ayitey: I know, and it breaks my heart to say this but I feel like I didn’t sign up for this.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ayitey: 10 years

DBM: And how was the years prior to the cancer?

Ayitey: It was great. We had a lot of fun. We laughed a lot. We were a happy family

DBM: Do you still love your wife?

Ayitey: I don’t know, Dave. I don’t know how I feel about all this

DBM: How do you feel about her now?

Ayitey: I just want to be single. I am with someone I don’t know how to help

DBM: You know she knows that you cannot fix or make her feel better, right?

Ayitey: I don’t know

DBM: Is she able to talk about what she’s going through with you?

Ayitey: Not so much

DBM: Why is that?

Ayitey: Because it will make me feel bad, so I’d rather avoid the conversation.

DBM: If I am to put myself in your wife’s shoes, I know I would want my spouse to make me feel heard. I would want to discuss my pain with you; I would want to freely express all of my emotions with no one else but you – and I would appreciate a partner who would acknowledge all these things I would be going through.

Ayitey: You’re always on the side of the ladies, I’m not surprised

DBM: It’s not about taking sides

Ayitey: Dave, I don’t know what my wife wants

DBM: Have you asked her what she wants from you?

Ayitey: Is it even important? She’s not well

DBM: Again, in your wife’s shoes: I would want my partner to comfort me with their loving presence, without any form of judgement.

Ayitey: It’s not as easy as you think

DBM: Simplify it for me then?

Ayitey: I am unable to have sex with her

DBM: For how long now?

Ayitey: It’s been over a year. The last time I had sex with my wife was in January, 2022

DBM: When was the last time you had sex?

Ayitey: Dave, we’re not discussing me. Let’s talk about my wife

DBM: You brought the subject of sex, which I’m presuming is important to you?

Ayitey: It is

DBM: When did you last have sex with anyone?

Ayitey: On Sunday

DBM: Before Sunday, had you been intimate with anyone?

Ayitey: Yes!

DBM: When?

Ayitey: Lol! Saturday

DBM: Before the Saturday, had you been with someone else?

Ayitey: Why all these questions?

DBM: I want to understand how active you’ve been sexually, that’s all.

Ayitey: Thursday

DBM: With whom?

Ayitey: I don’t want to talk about it.

DBM: But is it with the same person?

Ayitey: I don’t want to talk about it.

DBM: I will respect that.

Ayitey: Okay!

DBM: Have you thought creatively into finding other ways to achieve intimacy with your wife?

Ayitey: Everything is a pain with her. I don’t want to inconvenience her

DBM: Have you tried listening to cool music together, while touching and kissing her gently?

Ayitey: It’s not worth it, trust me

DBM: Do you know how to love your wife?

Ayitey: Dave, I’ve tried everything

DBM: Everything like what?

Ayitey: David, do you know why I am chatting with you?

DBM: Tell me

Ayitey: I am with another woman who is filling in the space. I did not expect this, but I am in love with her. She’s also pregnant with my child.

DBM: Does she love you?

Ayitey: I think so.

DBM: She knows about your wife’s condition?

Ayitey: She does

DBM: What does she say about it?

Ayitey: We don’t discuss it

DBM: When was the last time you held your wife’s hand meaningfully? When was the last time you were not afraid to look straight in her eyes to assure her that you are not intimidated by the disease? When was the last time you found value in remaining present in her struggle, assuring her you’re a witness to what is happening to her and your relationship, and that, you love her regardless?

Ayitey: I don’t love my wife. I like her, but I don’t think it’s love.

DBM: This realization came to you, before or after the sickness?

Ayitey: Before. Cancer only took my mask off.

DBM: Why did you marry her?

Ayitey: I don’t know. Maybe because she was beautiful and physically attractive.

DBM: Was?

Ayitey: Am I a bad person?

DBM: Are you a bad person?

Ayitey: I don’t think so.

DBM: Okay! Anything else you’d want us to talk about?

Ayitey: I just wanted someone to talk to.

DBM: Do you feel better now?

Ayitey: I don’t know what to do

DBM: You have children with your wife?

Ayitey: I do.

DBM: How old are they?

Ayitey: 9 and 7

DBM: Have you both explained what their mother is going through to them?

Ayitey: They’re too young to understand.

DBM: At their age, they get it. They see what is happening. There are age-appropriate ways to explain cancer.

Ayitey: I am dealing with so much already. I can’t add another type of stress to my stress.

DBM: Being secretive about her diagnosis doesn’t solve anything

Ayitey: They will be fine

DBM: Are they eating home-cooked meals?

Ayitey: Yes, we have a house help.

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Nicola Barts

Let’s Talk To Juliet

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 25: Juliet

DBM: Hi Juliet. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Juliet: I am the person I want to become. Anything else you see is simply a product of my work-in-progress. I am true to myself and do not easily lose hope. I believe in deeper spiritual connects when it comes to romance, and not the fleeting pleasures of physical intimacy.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Juliet: I read your conversation with Sylvester, and I think I have dated a man like his type before.

DBM: What are their types like?

Juliet: Very good looking and charming. They are always on a never-ending, excruciating assignment presenting the impression that they are everything a woman should be interested in; they appear desirable and will be a woman’s saving grace. They sell us this dream that they’re not bad boys, and will be kind and considerate so far as it benefits them.

DBM: That’s a lot of words

Juliet: The excuse my ex-boyfriend gave to me was, the other lady only wanted to have a child by him. He claimed there were no strings attached, but after I ended the relationship, guess who he married?

DBM: No strings attached?

Juliet: Yes!

DBM: How long did you two date?

Juliet: Three years. The bad news is, I still love him.

DBM: Why did you end it?

Juliet: He got her pregnant.

DBM: Are you married?

Juliet: I am married.

DBM: Are you in love with your husband?

Juliet: I love my husband.

DBM: Are you in contact with your ex?

Juliet: Yes! I will be seeing him in the afternoon.

DBM: Where?

Juliet: At his house. He’s not far from where I work.

DBM: But he’s married, no?

Juliet: His wife left him. She took their children along.

DBM: So, he’s divorced?

Juliet: Not yet, but they’re no longer together.

DBM: Why?

Juliet: I don’t have much details about that. I visit him every day because he is bedridden, and I have been helping to take care of him.

DBM: That was part of your wedding vows to your husband?

Juliet: No!

DBM: Where is his own family of orientation?

Juliet: I don’t think he has told anyone what is going on with him. I know his mother is alive, and he has sisters and brothers.

DBM: Why are you taking care of him?

Juliet: He called me when he was on admission at the hospital. He said he had no one.

DBM: What made you empathize with him?

Juliet: I never stopped loving him. And I took a thoughtful approach to his very difficult situation. I want the best for him.

DBM: How old are his children?

Juliet: 10 and 7

DBM: What do you do when you go to his house?

Juliet: I have hired a house-help who makes sure he has home-cooked meals and clean clothes. When I go there, we try to talk. I help him to sometimes get dressed. I help him to eat too when his tremors are at its worst. I go there to assure him there is plenty of love around him.

DBM: Does he love you?

Juliet: I don’t want to know. I just want to be sure he is getting better.

DBM: For how long have you been doing this?

Juliet: Since July, this year.

DBM: Does your husband know about your afternoon shifts?

Juliet: No! He will not believe there is nothing going on between us.

DBM: Will something ever happen between the two of you?

Juliet: I am not looking forward to anything happening between us. That chapter was closed many years ago. I am not going back to rewrite our story. It ended, though I still have feelings for him.

DBM: Is it easy to love someone and not be with them?

Juliet: David, that is why I am saying Sylvester may be a good guy, at least, from your conversation with him yesterday; however, good, may sometimes not be good enough to hold on to. I feel the energy of love between me and my ex when I come to check on him. A relationship on the other hand is something I will not make happen between us ever again.

DBM: Why not?

Juliet: I have consciously chosen the man I want to be in a relationship with, and that’s my husband.

DBM: Interesting!

Juliet: My ex-boyfriend is not the only man I have felt strongly for: I have developed love for my boss, my Bishop at church, a former mate from the university and a close friend’s husband. It’s not lust I am referring to; I fell in love with these men, and I know they had feelings for me too but I wouldn’t execute it. I remember I was sitting across the table from my Bishop/pastor in his office, crying to him about all the reasons why I believed I was in love with him. Guess what he told me?

DBM: What?

Juliet: I am always on his mind too. The things these men have done for me individually, that my husband has no clue of, but again, because I want to be a good wife to my husband, I don’t allow my feelings to direct my path.

DBM: Love is not enough, I guess?

Juliet: As a married woman or man, you can never be the right person for another man or woman who is in love with you. It just doesn’t make sense to be inserting another person into every aspect of your life, knowing that spot is already taken by a spousal figure you’re supposed to be accountable to.

DBM: You make a good point.

Juliet: I care about my husband, that’s why hurting his feelings with an affair would definitely still hurt me.

DBM: Most married men believe they can go out there to get what they want

Juliet: For us women, we don’t have to even go out there, because what we want come to us. My boss at work is full of fireworks; he is kind, great guy, handsome, very funny and considerate. He is rich, and my husband doesn’t stand a chance. He told me point blank that he’s happily married, but still wants to be in a romantic relationship with me. He gave me one year to consider his proposal. I said no, and we’re still great friends.

DBM: So, you do not think Sylvester is doing right by any of the women?

Juliet: Liars are cheats; Sylvester is cheating on all of them because he knows he can get away with it, and, perhaps more importantly, because he is willing to let himself get away with it.

DBM: Why will you not cheat on your husband, looking at the history you’ve given me about yourself?

Juliet: Simple, I keep my husband in mind wherever I find myself. Though I acknowledge to whoever else I develop love for, and let them know how much I care about them, I consider my husband’s feelings in all my decisions. And I make sure my feelings towards other men doesn’t go beyond feelings. I return home to the imperfect human being I married.

Image Credit: Jasmine Carter

Let’s Talk To Ofori: Part 2

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Mr. Ofori, thank you for agreeing to a second interview.

Ofori: My pleasure. I read some of the comment on Facebook. People want to hear more.

DBM: Yes please

Ofori: I’m ready

DBM: This question is from Anane Wisdom to your wife: Why did she marry a jobless former prison inmate? What did she see in you that no one else did? How did her family take her decision to marry you? And, how was the marriage ceremony?

Ofori: I need to ask my wife. I will type her response

DBM: Okay!

(15 minutes later)

Ofori: Ama had a fiancé the time they came for the prison outreach. After our encounter, she couldn’t stop herself from forgetting about me. She did not get back to me for a long time because she was in a relationship with George. Things ended between them after he got another woman pregnant. She says, though George was her taste, he was totally wrong for her. She considered dating me because she believed I fit into the normalcy of her life. She decided we would be friends, and a relationship was built from there. She married me because we had become good friends. She says I became her responsibility, and she had trust in me. We also found common ground during misunderstandings, and had come out with a deeper understanding of issues; we were empathetic towards each another, and had respect for our point of views. We were comfortable with each other because I was living in her house. I also realized I could be content with just Ama. And, because she was in love with me, and I in her, she wanted nothing more than to marry me. Her family were not in favor of her decision, but she was convinced I was hers to keep. We had a very simple wedding, and it was sponsored by my wife and her close friends.

DBM: From Benjamin Riverston: Where was your mother when you got released from prison? Was your mother checking up on you while in prison? What was the relationship between your father and mother while in prison? And, did your father ever forgive you?

Ofori: In our house, my father dominated their marriage. My mother didn’t have a say; she had to do everything my father wanted done. I did not see them making decisions together, she could not strike a balance even with how to raise us kids. My father didn’t want anything to do with me, and so my mother kept her physical distance in order not to upset my father. But she would send food and greetings through my wife to me in prison. Ama became friends with my mother in the process. I will describe the relationship between my parents as toxic. He abused my mother physically, emotionally, sexually and psychologically. My father did not forgive me till he died.

DBM: Kwadwo Twum wants to know the role your wife played in making you who you became after your release? And, how did society define you? How were you able to fit into society, and even find work?

Ofori: I craved for support during my encounter with Ama on their outreach program. When we became friends, and was visiting me in prison, I kept reminding her I would need help to make it out there after my release. Ama was that singular someone in my life who cared about me unconditionally, and was by my side, no matter what could go wrong. I had the ability to understand numbers and how they could influence a company; I had an eye for detail, and loved math. She knew I wanted the opportunity to go back to school, and she believed in my mind. She took bank loans to fund my education. I have two Masters degrees and was working in Finance prior to my retirement. I paid back all the monies she spent on me after I was gainfully employed. My wife ensured all my needs were met. She allowed me to make decisions concerning my life and interests, and she supported me through and through without a shadow of doubt. She believed I was capable of meeting my goals, and was my number one fan – always encouraging me to go after my dreams. I became the best version of myself.

My entire society was built around my wife. It was a conscious choice I made, and she built my confidence in believing in myself. Her presence in my life made me believe everything was going to work out, one way or the other. We also planned as early as possible for what I could do in order to have a successful life after prison.

DBM: From Fafah Gloria: How was your relationship with your parents after prison? And, do you have siblings? What was their reaction towards you?

Ofori: I only had a relationship with my mother, that was even after my father died years later. I have four other siblings from my mother’s side and three younger ones my dad had with other women. My siblings eventually came along.

DBM: Miriam Ronke would want to know whether or not you would advise any child to stand up for his or her abused parent?

Ofori: Unfortunately for me, beating up dad didn’t stop him from abusing my mother. And I ended up in prison. If you’re a witness to a parent being abused, find the nearest police station or domestic abuse service to report the abuser. Usually, abusers don’t listen to talks, so don’t try reasoning with them. Don’t ignore the issue thinking it’s up to your parents to figure out. Help them figure it out by getting the abuser arrested. It gives the victim room to decide what’s good for them.

DBM: Gyene W’ani wants to know whether or not Ama uses your past against you when there is a disagreement?

Ofori: Never. Trust is the foundation of our relationship, and she’s never had to protect herself from me because of my past record. She’s not the type who would use guilt as a weapon to control me; she’s not insensitive nor judgmental. Unlike my dad, Ama knows I’ve made mistakes and made amends the best way possible. I’ve been moving in the right direction since and I’d say, we’re happy together. She’s looked beyond the prison inmate.

DBM: The last question comes from me; you mentioned looking beyond the temptation to cheat on your wife in our first interview. How were you able to easily do that?

Ofori: It wasn’t an easy decision, Dave. I know the kind of life my father lived, and how his actions gravely affected my mother’s psychological wellbeing. My goal was to not satisfy several women with my affection and desires and expectations. My wife deserved my best, and so I chose Ama, to rather discover wholly and intentionally with my desire to satisfy all of her needs till death do us part. It’s a decision to choose to desire your wife over others, and I always chose Ama. She’s enough!

DBM: Thank you, Sir.

Ofori: You’re welcome. Hopefully, we covered all the questions?

DBM: Yes please, we have.

Image Credit: Kindel Media

Let’s Talk To Ofori: Part 1

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 10 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 23: I’m Ofori

DBM: Hi Ofori. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Ofori: 70 years young. I have had my share of the ups and downs and I believe that is what has made me the man I am today. They say I have a good sense of humor and very opinionated; I get out of bed early because my knees have started to hurt and everything aches lately.

DBM:  Why is a 70-year-old man on Facebook?

Ofori: I have been monitoring my children. I read from a few platforms to also see what’s happening. My daughter indirectly introduced your account to me. She comments a lot under your posts, and it was showing in my newsfeed. I think I’ve followed you for three years.

DBM: Nice meeting you, Sir. What do you want to talk about?

Ofori: I want to talk about my journey as a man.

DBM: Oh, nice! I am interested.

Ofori: I was in prison when I was 22 years old. I got released at age 32. I married at age 33.

DBM: Why were you in prison?

Ofori: I beat my father for beating my mum. He collapsed in the process because I hit his head with a sharp object. I was arrested and the rest is history.

DBM: How was life in prison?

Ofori: Imagine a boarding school built not to educate but frustrate and punish you. Every given moment of your day is scheduled and tightly controlled. You do not have the luxury to make a plan; lights go on and off per someone’s instruction; you do not have a choice to eat what you want; you force yourself to eat what you are given else you will go hungry. At night, there is the cessation of all movement and activities. You breathe the same stinking air and smell; it becomes your new normal. Life in prison is not a life any young man should experience. Being completely removed from society is not pleasant. We think Ghana is tough? Prison is hell. If you’ve not been caught in certain mistakes yet, find yourself a bit of help so you can get on the right path. It’s never too late.

DBM: How was the feeling after being released?

Ofori: The process was daunting and traumatic; so much anxiety and adjustments. A lot of catching up to be done, while dealing with mental health issues. I was practically stuck and didn’t know how to function in the society.

DBM: You married a year after your release. Tell me about that.

Ofori: I met my wife after I had served my first five years in prison. Her church had organized an event at our station, and they came to screen us. She was part of the health team that attended to me. While they took our samples and examined us, they asked what brought us to prison. I shared my story and she developed an interest in my case.

DBM: What was your first impression of her?

Ofori: I thought she was alright.

DBM: Your taste?

Ofori: It didn’t really matter to me because I knew she wasn’t going to fall for an inmate.

DBM: But was she your taste?

Ofori: She wasn’t. She came back 13 months later to visit me.

DBM: You remembered her?

Ofori: I did. She was the only one in the health team who looked me in the eyes and smiled at me during their outreach. I took a picture of her smiling – with my mind, and I looked at her every now and then.

DBM: Did she have the same smile when you saw her again?

Ofori: Even better. I told her I had been thinking about her.

DBM: Had you?

Ofori: You’re not listening. I just told you I look at her picture with my mind. Of course, I had been thinking about her. She told me she used to think about me too.

DBM: How did that make you feel?

Ofori: It was at that point that I realized she was my taste.

DBM: How so?

Ofori: My wife demonstrated mercy and grace amidst my hardship. Days after our second meet, I developed feelings for her because she’s a woman of impeccable character and stanch integrity. She was compassionate to my needs. 37 years in marriage, and she’s still the same towards me. I seriously cannot put a measure to my wife’s worth.

DBM: Why did you marry her?

Ofori: When I suggested marriage to her, I wasn’t working. I did not have money to even feed myself. I didn’t have a place to lay my head because my father didn’t want me around. My wife took me in. It was a risky decision she took, but she did anyways. She can be very stubborn; I have to admit. I felt so alone when I came out of prison. Marrying my wife eliminated loneliness for me.

DBM: How old is your wife?

Ofori: She’s two years older than me.

DBM: 72

Ofori: Yes!

DBM: How has marriage been like for you thus far?

Ofori: Nothing I could have ever dreamt of. It’s been beautiful, as well as hard. But we’ve moved through the tests of life together.

DBM: How many children?

Ofori: Four wonderful humans.

DBM: How important is sex in your marriage?

Ofori: As a young couple, we had a lot of sex while we could. Before and after the births of our children. Our emotional connection is still intact due to memories from the good old days.

DBM: Can I ask a personal question?

Ofori: I am already answering personal questions. Shoot!

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Ofori: The thought had occurred to me a couple of times from all directions, but I did not pursue the temptation. The bond I have with my wife is deep and that has been my support to stay true to my vows. I was not in a hurry to get where I was going with my wife in our marital journey. Most of the parties in marriages today are in such a hurry to reach a certain cloud, they have no sense of slowing down to appreciate, and be content with the little steps they take.

DBM: How have you been able to stay married this long?

Ofori: Oh, I have been reminding myself why my wife looks pretty to me. Whenever I hear her voice, I remind myself why I am still in love with her, especially during disagreements and fights. I look at the changes in her body that I don’t like so much, and rather zoom in, and sharpen the focus of my attention to the charming details about her that I used to see as amazing. I always remember why she’s my favorite woman, and I choose to be with her every day.

Image Credit: Kindel Media 

Let’s Talk To Maame Yaa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 22: My name is Maame Yaa

DBM: Hello Maame Yaa. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Maame Yaa: I am a young woman of faith, with Jesus in my heart. I try to inspire change, lift those around me up, do good and have respect for people. I am a medical doctor by profession, and 32 years of age.

DBM: Want do you want to talk about?

Maame Yaa: My boyfriend is insisting we have sex before marriage. I want to have sex on my wedding night.

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Maame Yaa: We will be three years in February, 2023.

DBM: And has he discussed his plans concerning a future together with you in marriage?

Maame Yaa: Yes, he has.

DBM: When is that going to happen?

Maame Yaa: We’ve not decided on the date.

DBM: Would it be in 2023?

Maame Yaa: I don’t know.

DBM: So, you’re not certain whether or not he is going to marry you any time soon?

Maame Yaa: Yes!

DBM: Are you a virgin?

Maame Yaa: No, I am not.

DBM: Is your boyfriend the one who broke your virginity?

Maame Yaa: No! He is the third guy I have dated.

DBM: You had sex with the first two?

Maame Yaa: Yes!

DBM: Why do you want sex with him on your wedding night?

Maame Yaa: I want to feel in control of my own choices with regards to my body and sexual intimacy. I want to pursue celibacy until I am joined together in holy matrimony to the man who will put a ring on my finger.

DBM: I am assuming your boyfriend is also thinking if he does not explore your sexual flanks, you both may not be able to grow naturally to develop into it. Sexual compatibility, attraction and identity are important things to figure out before marriage.

Maame Yaa: I believe that one’s character is built through waiting. Patience is developed in waiting; faithfulness can also be developed while we wait to have sex after our wedding. I want to be sure we are in love with each other without the complications of any emotional entanglement. If we are each other’s real deal, we will make do regardless.

DBM: Does he know what you like sexually?

Maame Yaa: I have told him mine.

DBM: Do you know what turns him on?

Maame Yaa: He’s spoken about a few.

DBM: So, theoretically, you’re both in the known?

Maame Yaa: Practical examination should be on our wedding night.

DBM: And what if one partner fails the final exam?

Maame Yaa: It wouldn’t be a final exam. We will re-write the paper till we pass.

DBM: Many guys are using their married lives to deal with sex issues, instead of actually enjoying the beauty in marriage. What if you’re not content with what he offers in bed?

Maame Yaa: Marriage, they say is not all about sex.

DBM: I see the quality of a relationship strongly related to sexual satisfaction.

Maame Yaa: I see the quality of a relationship strongly related to the God-factor.

DBM: When was the last time you felt desired, got aroused and ‘wet’; when last did you reach orgasm and did not feel pain?

Maame Yaa: I don’t remember. Maybe, in my past relationships.

DBM: Do you care about what your boyfriend cares about?

Maame Yaa: I do, and I try to be there for him.

DBM: He wants a blow-job, have you given him that?

Maame Yaa: I will give him a blowjob after our wedding.

DBM: Will you be okay if he gets the sex from somewhere else while dedicating all his love to you?

Maame Yaa: I will not be able to cope with infidelity.

DBM: There is no guarantee he is going to be faithful to only you after marriage.

Maame Yaa: If that happens, we will divorce.

DBM: Which is more important to you: your relationship to your faith or that relationship you are building with him?

Maame Yaa: I am holding firm to the beliefs that God has placed deeply in my heart, and I am taking a stand for them – to ensure I know exactly why God stands for them too.

DBM: That’s commendable.

Maame Yaa: Dave, please be honest with me: am I making a mistake with my stance?

DBM: We are all different; what may be important to your boyfriend may not be all that important to you. Again, it all comes down to your strong personal beliefs, your boyfriend’s physical desires and the overall nature of your relationship.

Maame Yaa: I think we have a good relationship.

DBM: That’s good to know. So basically, it’s because you are unmarried, and the fact that, you want to abstain from sex before marriage, no?

Maame Yaa: Yes.

DBM: You are not living with an underlying medical condition, are you?

Maame Yaa: No, I am not.

DBM: And, you do not have a low sex drive, do you?

Maame Yaa: I love sex.

DBM: Good, good… good! You love and value your boyfriend?

Maame Yaa: I do.

DBM: Then know that, him requesting for sex with you could have been an opportunity for him to bond with you on another level; It could have been another opportunity for him to express his love and affection towards you; he probably might have felt more secure in the relationship if you both had been engaging in sex often. It could have also been an opportunity for you both to appreciate the pleasure and fun in the relationship.

Maame Yaa: Do you suggest I give in?

DBM: I am suggesting you marry a man who sees, appreciates and values your self-worth. Do not go to different lengths just for your boyfriend to achieve his sexual goals. That said, make the most out of your love life while sticking to the opinion you have of yourself. I think you’re a wonderful young woman.

Maame Yaa: Thank you, Mr. Dave. I am a fan of your Facebook platform.

DBM: Appreciated!

Image Credit: Fillipe Gomes

Let’s Talk To Mercy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 21: Call me Mercy

DBM: Hey, Mercy! Please tell me a little about yourself.

Mercy: I’m married, and a mother.

DBM: Okay! Any other thing about you?

Mercy: I am a career woman, and not afraid to push boundaries set before me. Dave, I have a question.

DBM: Please ask

Mercy: I am not good at writing and expressing myself with words. Will you be correcting my grammatical errors before publishing it on your website?

DBM: Yes please. I proofread and edit all the conversations, and would even rephrase sentences that aren’t clear to suit my house-style. You are in good hands.

Mercy: Thank you!

DBM: You’re welcome! What do you want to talk about?

Mercy: I’m just curious Dave, but what do men want?

DBM: I may never know myself

Mercy: The BS my husband is putting me through emotionally eh

DBM: Mercy, the art of bullshit is how most men get through with their day.

Mercy: I almost poisoned my husband’s food for the second time this year.

DBM: That is to the extreme.

Mercy: His actions are forcing me to hurt him.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Mercy: I don’t want to say

DBM: Why not?

Mercy: It might give me away, assuming he gets to see this online.

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Mercy: Yes, I love him.

DBM: Getting hurt by the people we love is inevitable.

Mercy: This is something I can’t forgive

DBM: Why would you want to hurt someone you love?

Mercy: Because he is hurting me too.

DBM: Marriage takes a lot of work. It’s hard; it’s a job and you’ve got to work at it every day.

Mercy: I do my part

DBM: What is he doing to hurt you?

Mercy: He is having an affair. Infidelity is the nail in the coffin for me.

DBM: You have proof of this?

Mercy: I wasn’t immediately suspicious. We were having dinner at home, and I realized he had become so alert as to which WhatsApp message to respond to. It was written all over his face though he was trying to play cool. But something kept nagging at the back of my brain to not let my suspicion go. I paid one driver I am cool with for a week to trail my husband. He had gone to meet the same lady three times that week.

DBM: I am sorry.

Mercy: I feel so angry and hurt.

DBM: Do you know how long the affair has lasted?

Mercy: It is still ongoing. I don’t know when it started.

DBM: Have you confronted him about it?

Mercy: He’s going to lie anyways, so what’s the point?

DBM: You mentioned ‘almost’ poisoning him. What made you stop?

Mercy: My kids always came to the kitchen to ask when their father would be home from work. That is what usually gets me emotional and stops me. Because they need their father. So, I would throw away the contaminated meal, and dish a new one.

DBM: Children need their father.

Mercy: I know! It’s like, he has pushed the responsibly of raising our children solely to me. He just pays fees and bills, and provides money. He gets mad very quickly when the children are trying to play around him. He screams at them, ignores them, but has time to be chatting with the other woman. He has time to make plans with another woman.

DBM: People can make poor choices at times, you know?

Mercy: That is no excuse, Dave. At his age, does he need a reminder to prioritize his family?

DBM: It’s your husband’s duty towards you and the family, to share all the responsibilities.

Mercy: He leaves me to deal with issues at home all by myself, while he keeps himself occupied with another woman’s touch. He is spending more time taking the other lady out, talking to her and sharing his goals and dreams. I am burdened at home, all because I am his wife and mother to the children.

DBM: Do you think he is happy being married to you?

Mercy: I do everything to meet his sexual needs. I don’t stress this man at home. Secondly, he chose me. He asked me to marry him. I did not force myself on him. There is this huge hole in my heart and in my life that I have to fill with a man’s touch, affection and attention. Either that, or I may be tempted again to mix something in his food.

DBM: If you are tempted to physically or emotionally hurt someone you love, simply because they hurt you, then it would be best to walk out of the marriage.

Mercy: If there is any walking out to be done, that should be in his obituary.

DBM: If you truly love him, he will need you to help him do right by you.

Mercy: Dave, he doesn’t need me. Trust me, he has his side-chick.

DBM: Most men are addicted to approval and validation from other women. He might be one of those.

Mercy: I don’t care. Right now, it’s two things, I either find myself someone on the side to be meeting my needs – as he’s enjoying, or close this chapter with my husband permanently.

DBM: ‘Till death do us part’?

Mercy: That was my vow to him.

DBM: What about forgiveness? Because the real need for forgiveness is in marriage

Mercy: No good comes of it

DBM: No good comes out of cleansing your heart and making peace with yourself?

Mercy: You do not understand, I will not forget what he’s done to me.

DBM: I am not making any excuses for his behavior. All I am asking is, is his foolishness worth the foolish decision you’re intending on making?

Mercy: He should have thought of all that.

DBM: You need to confront your husband.

Mercy: And say what?

DBM: That, you are thinking of ways to make him pay for what he is doing to you.

Mercy: Why would I want to do that?

DBM: Because just like him, you’re equally flawed, and your perceptions are too.

Mercy: Thank you for the conversation.

DBM: You’re welcome, Mercy. Every relationship that we’ve all been in, one way or the other, requires some level of forgiveness to sustain its relevance to us.

Image Credit: Anna Shvets

COLOUR OF LOVE

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 10: Olive

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

OLIVE: I am a quiet young lady who loves to bring out the best in people. I love with my all and abhor drama of all forms. I love and pursue peace in all my relationships.

DBM: How long have you been married?

OLIVE: It’s been 11years of matrimony.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

OLIVE: Well, my ideal man is one that will love me for who I am, be content with me in my good, bad and the ugly. The perfect man for me didn’t have to be rich or poor but should have a vision and a clear plan for himself so I can correctly play my role as a help-mate suitable for him. Above all, I wanted my man to be someone who puts God first in everything, and was crazily kind to society’s less fortunate and vulnerable. My husband didn’t completely fit the specifications but I was willing to work with what I had.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

OLIVE: We met at a mutual friend’s graduation ceremony and became friends. A few months later he proposed, and I accepted because I had heard a lot of great things about him, which led me into concluding that he fit about 60% of my criteria for an ideal man.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

OLIVE: I actually hoped that we would grow to be the best of friends as the years came by since we really did not know each that intimately before marriage. Unfortunately, this desire of a friendship with my husband has not happened. I have tried several ways to help us build this but I have come to the conclusion that – that may not be what he desires of us, based on how he has received my efforts over the years.

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

OLIVE: I cannot really tell. It’s been so long since we made each other laugh. I can only remember a few years into the marriage when I was trimming his toenails in our backyard. A neighbor commented that he envied him because he has a good wife, and that made him laugh out loud.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

OLIVE: I have always had my doubts about him being the suitable person for me. Remember I accepted his proposal based on the testimony of mutual friends. When we kick-started the relationship, he said and did a lot stuff that made me doubt his authenticity as a Christian, and his love for me and all that. My spirit was always unsettled but I thought that I was being too judgmental about him because he was really a kind guy to society’s less fortunate and vulnerable. I went ahead with the marriage because I had given him and his parents my word. I also, hoped that whatever negative energy was all in my head, and that, with time I would come to know the real him that our friends testified to. Long story short, I still don’t know.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

OLIVE: Only when he smiles or laughs. There is something about his eyes that melts my heart anytime he smiles.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

OLIVE: I believe that 70% of the time I listen to understand what he is communicating, and will choose to either respond or not based on the understanding I gain. This approach has helped prevent a lot of unnecessary fights in the marriage because initially, I was listening to respond.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

OLIVE: He is not doing very much in this position. Don’t get me wrong, he is a great guy to the children and his friends.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

OLIVE: Every one word in the vow means the world to me. I believe these words: “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part” were given to use for a purpose. After eleven years in this journey, I really want to choose but judging from what we have been through, I think each of them is a valuable to me.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

OLIVE: Taking walks in the evenings or just sitting outside enjoying the beauty of nature and chit chatting. We have taken a lot of trips to enjoy but I have fun when we do simple stuff.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

OLIVE: The love for my husband has been dinging in the last eight years. I have put a wall around my heart because I don’t want to hurt again. I feel like my husband took the love that I gave him, trampled on it under his feet, picked it up, and threw it at me and said to me: “in your face, Olive!”

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

OLIVE: No!

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

OLIVE: Not much. I am mostly fulfilling my wifely duties – cooking, cleaning, feeding the children, etc. When we are together, he is always having a great time with the friends on his phone. When I make the move to be with him, he often tells me that he is busy working on a project he brough home from work, or doing something that is more important than spending time with me. The excuses are plenty so, I have learnt to be my own cheerleader and spend time with me.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

OLIVE: Not at all!

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

OLIVE: I don’t feel secure at all. I honestly do not know why I am still married on most days.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

OLIVE: In the next 10 years if I am being honest, I see myself taking care of our children as a single mom and my husband married to his longest surviving side chick. However, my spirit tells me that things will be better in the next 10 years and we will have a strong marriage, laughing over his “sexcapades”.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

OLIVE: My ideal sex life is as many acts as we desire, as long as there is nothing biological hindering the act. Drop hints well ahead of the action, not like 5 minutes before. Of course, there are times that demand a quickie which I understand but that should not be the status quo. We should try new positions and all things that are permissible and beneficial for strengthening the marriage bond. Most importantly, I want to be shown that I am desirable not only for sex but for all things that pertain to marriage. This gesture honestly helps me give my all.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

OLIVE: 0.5/10.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

OLIVE: My understanding of love is informed by 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” I believe that love is a choice I make every day that I have breath to do what is outlined above.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

OLIVE: No! I feel like I am a “ceremonial wife” in my marriage.

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

OLIVE: I try my best to be a good spouse but my husband rarely compliments me on my efforts except, when his married friends draw his attention to my efforts when comparing me to their spouses.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

OLIVE: Yes, emotionally. Physically, I decided to experiment with cheating but could not carry it through because it was too much work to do. I was curious that for all the years that we have been married, my husband has been cheating with different shades of young ladies. I really wanted to know what was to be gained from that practice, but I could not carry it through. Dave, cheating is too much work and belittling!

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart:

OLIVE: Kwabena, after eleven years of journeying with you in marriage and all the blessings we have been blessed with, I am still baffled that you are not content with me and all we have. I am still with you because I believe you can change to be an excellent husband to me. Unfortunately, I am unsure how long I can keep this hope and faith alive. I want to love you wholly again like crazy, but I am afraid you will hurt me and take me for granted. Again, I don’t know what other sacrifice I must make to make this marriage work. Please help me help our marriage work. We can do it!

Image Credit: Anastasia Shuraeva

ADAMS’ APPLE

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 7:  Adams is my name.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

ADAMS: I am 68 years old, and a father to four grown children. I am a grandfather, a husband and a friend. I am retired and enjoying the remaining years of my life with my wife.

DBM: How long have you been married?

ADAMS: 35 years.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

ADAMS: My wife fits into my exact specifications. She actually is in a league of her own. I settled for a woman I would never otherwise would have gone for. Don’t get me wrong, my wife is very beautiful to me; she is beautiful to me because I give her the chance to become beautiful in my eyes. And in all the 35 years of loving her, I have given myself the opportunity to be equally good in her eyes, and most importantly, cherished for who I really am, by the one woman whose opinion I value the most.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

ADAMS: She found me at a point in my life when I was thinking I wasn’t good enough for any woman; every lady I liked didn’t like me back. I felt useless. She was at the same bus stop where an ex-girlfriend of mine had broken up with me in public. I doubted my capabilities as a man, but this stranger, now wife, encouraged me with her presence and friendship to build me back up to move forward. It was humiliating to say the least, but she stood by me at the bus stop, and has been standing by me through all of my ups and downs.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

ADAMS: Our friendship will never end, and that makes me the happiest man in the world. Yes!

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

ADAMS: That would be over 28 years ago. We both had a busy schedule and had to rely on one of her best friends to pick our children from school. We gave her our house keys to cater for the kids in our absence. I was the first to arrive home after 10 pm. We were expecting my wife to arrive at dawn. The kids were asleep when I got home. While taking my bath, I heard the bathroom door open. My wife’s friend was naked. Because I had soap lather in my eyes, I couldn’t see her approach me. It was after she held my penis and kissed me that I realized that wasn’t my wife. I sacked her from my house and told my wife the moment she got home. I don’t know whether she believed me or not but she laughed so hard, she encountered a stomach pain in the process. She did not confront her friend about my accusation. They’re still close friends. She’s still our family friend.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

ADAMS: The day I realized my wife wasn’t afraid of being alone, with or without me in her life. Yes, she’s in want of the man that I am, but she doesn’t really need me in any way to feel fulfilled.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

ADAMS: My wife is as attractive and perfect as I make her to be. She’s ambitious and very reliable. Dave, authenticity is sexier to me in any body type or shape, any day.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

ADAMS: I have never taken the importance of communication with my wife lightly. She discusses almost everything that is important to her with me, and I make sure to listen to whatever she has to say, and truly make the effort to comprehend exactly where she may be coming from. In a deeper conversation with my wife, I know when to talk or offer an opinion, and when not to.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

ADAMS: She’s my ideal wife, and I will choose her over and over again, any day. In fact, I still chase after her till date. She respects herself, and respects me too.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

ADAMS: In the name of The Almighty God, I take you, Sophia, to be my wife; to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish – until we are parted by death.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

ADAMS: Raising our children together and enriching them to a higher level of thinking, feeling, loving and behaving, has been the most fun we have both had in our marriage.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

ADAMS: It’s growing stronger every day. I understand my wife in a deeper level.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

ADAMS: Completely! She owns my heart, and I feel comfortable being vulnerable with her.

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

ADAMS: David, I love my wife so much to the extent that, I love being around her. For me, as long as I get to spend time with her, I don’t really care whatever we’d be doing together – if I’d be doing it with her, that would be more than enough for me. She’s the best company I have ever kept and had all my life.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

ADAMS: Yes, I feel connected emotionally to my Sophie. She’s exactly where I need her to be emotionally with me. We support each other the best way possible.

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

ADAMS: Very! We are constantly paying attention to our inner and outer growths at every phase of our lives.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

ADAMS: Till death do us part I believe.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

ADAMS: My ideal sex life is climaxing with my wife.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

ADAMS: 9/10. She pleases me, and we are content with what we share intimately.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

ADAMS: My understanding of love is being on the same page on the importance of respecting each other, being true to our words, creating time to prioritize our feelings for one another, resolving conflict when it arises and forgiving each other; being strong for the other when weak, and helping one another to carry on.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

ADAMS: I love how my wife loves me. She’s my favorite lady.

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

ADAMS: I am a good husband, but I am married to a wonderful woman.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

ADAMS: Finding myself in the arms of another woman, to me, is an expression, not my reality. I don’t want to hurt Sophia, because I love her. I don’t want to tear my family apart and sacrifice my honor; that is why I have never cheated on my wife.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart.

ADAMS: Sophia, I am one of the luckiest men alive. We promised each other for better and for worse, and so far, I am also honoring my part of the vows. You know how much I love you; you know how much I am in love with you. You know how much I appreciate you. I wasn’t searching for a perfect woman; I wasn’t looking for a flawless marriage. All I prayed for was for God to bless me with a decent marriage, genuine commitment and a lasting friendship between us. Thank you very much for going easy on me!

Image Credit: Andre Moura

CLOSELY APART – MAAME

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 4: Maame is fine by me.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

MAAME: I am a very passionate person and I love with everything I am. I am very trustworthy, and so I hate lies; I say things just as it is.

DBM: How long have you been married?

MAAME: 11 years in June.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

MAAME: I preferred a man who could love and care about me, and most importantly, become my friend. My husband did fit into the category because we were friends for a year and half before we became lovers.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

MAAME: He came looking for a friend in my church and we met. l helped him find the friend.  The interesting thing is, he had the guts to tell me that very day that he would marry me, because l am a very helpful person and caring too.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

MAAME: So l thought at first, but currently, no!

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

MAAME: This was when we started dating as lovers; we dated for five years before marriage. He asked me to cook for him the first time and l undercooked the rice; it was so hard, he laughed so much at me.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

MAAME: I fell sick seriously and his love and care for me to get well was something else.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

MAAME: Yes, I find my husband to be extremely attractive.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

MAAME: I was trying to always listen to him when he talked with me but he doesn’t listen to me; it’s like, all the things I say during a deeper conversation with him are senseless. Due to that l do not really listen to him lately.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

MAAME: He is a husband to me in public, but to be honest, we are currently co-existing because of our children.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

MAAME: To love and to hold, till death do us part.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

MAAME: When we used to drive around town together; how l miss those good old days, hmmmmm!

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

MAAME: No, l don’t love him anymore. l just feel sense of obligation towards him because of my kids.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

MAAME: I don’t trust him anymore.

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

MAAME: I am always there for him when he needs me.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

MAAME: No emotional feelings for him anymore.

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

MAAME: I don’t feel secure with him in this marriage; I am guessing he is also sticking with me because of the kids and his old age.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

MAAME: I want to be happy with my kids and I don’t see my husband to be a part of this happiness I anticipate for my future.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

MAAME: With me, sex starts outside the bedroom; how you relate and treat me; how to talk to me and look at me, how you smile at me, etc. I really need to feel connected to you before anything physical (intimately) can mean something to me.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

MAAME: 4 out of 10.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

MAAME: Love is an everyday relationship; how you make the one you love be your first priority.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

MAAME: I don’t feel loved what-so-ever. My husband only remembers l exist when he wants sex; in fact, that is the only moment he will smile at me and pretend he cares. But when he is done, I am forgotten.

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

MAAME: I believe no one is perfect but I try my best to be in our marriage.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

MAAME: I have never, and will never cheat on my husband – so far as I am married to him.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart.

MAAME: KG, l never thought we would be close but yet so far apart. I have come to realize that loving someone is never enough to marry that person. I pray you see that we are far apart and find it important to fight for our marriage to work.

Image Credit: Jill Burrow

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