Tag: Marriage

Let’s Talk To Hanson

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 40: Hanson, for now

DBM: Hi Hanson. Please tell me a little about yourself

Hanson: Married – Father – Employed – Simple dude

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Hanson: I intend to suggest to my wife, we take a break

DBM: A break from what?

Hanson: The marriage

DBM: Can you explain further

Hanson: I need time to rethink; I need time to not be her husband in order to get clarity.

DBM: How much time are we talking about here?

Hanson: At most, a year. I will still be involved in the children’s lives; I will make sure the family’s needs are met.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Hanson: Almost 10 years

DBM: Are you unhappy in the marriage?

Hanson: I am grateful for the experience so far, but I still want to explore what not being a husband feels like.

DBM: I know how it feels like; it’s called being single. You were once a bachelor, no?

Hanson: I need time to look at my marriage from a distance, and also, spend more time on personal growth.

DBM: And this can’t be done while at home with your wife and children?

Hanson: Unfortunately, no!

DBM: Where do you see your marriage headed?

Hanson: To a place where our children would have the capacity to look adversity in the eyes with courage, and to never find a middle ground when it comes to their beliefs to please others.

DBM: Those are great expectations for the kids. Where do you see your marriage headed?

Hanson: I don’t know how to answer the question

DBM: Jobs let people down. Children grow up and move away from their parents’ homes. Is your marriage rock-solid to make you that ultimate team player, playing on your wife’s side?

Hanson: No!

DBM: Why not?

Hanson: The demands of our day interfere with our relationship

DBM: When you think of your marriage, what are the first words that comes to mind?

Hanson: Too much work

DBM: Marriage is work

Hanson: You don’t think I know?

DBM: Do you feel valued?

Hanson: I do

DBM: Do you feel alone?

Hanson: Not really

DBM: So, what’s the problem? You want a divorce?

Hanson: I don’t want a divorce, and I don’t want to be married. That is the problem

DBM: Why don’t you want to be married?

Hanson: I am not mentally healthy to be a husband

DBM: And, when did this occur to you?

Hanson: In the third year of our marriage

DBM: Why did you continue with it?

Hanson: Our first child had been born by then

DBM: Are you genuinely committed to your wife for the long haul, with or without marriage?

Hanson: Dave, I just don’t want to be a husband.

DBM: To just your wife or any other woman?

Hanson: To my wife

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Hanson: I do

DBM: Are you in love with your wife?

Hanson: Sometimes, yes!

DBM: Are you contemplating on the break to reflect on what you can do to make forever with your wife a possibility?

Hanson: I need a break to be sure I made the right decision

DBM: To be married to your wife?

Hanson: Yes!

DBM: What do you need from your wife that you feel like you’re not getting?

Hanson: Space, and less of her in my face

DBM: Define space

Hanson: Dave, you’re not making this any easier for me

DBM: I’m only trying to understand how you’re feeling

Hanson: Deep inside, I’m broken. And it’s taking its roots from within.

DBM: Was this feeling present before or after marriage?

Hanson: Before

DBM: And, was this conversation had with your wife?

Hanson: She knew I had issues

DBM: But did you talk about it?

Hanson: We did!

DBM: Why did you marry your wife?

Hanson: I felt it was important to her. She was happy about the decision

DBM: And, did the decision bring you joy in the process?

Hanson: She was happy, so I was happy

DBM: For her?

Hanson: I guess

DBM: What does being married means to you?

Hanson: It means being on her team; having her as my teammate in life, and cheering each other on

DBM: What are your top three priorities right now?

Hanson: My children, my sanity and purpose in life.

DBM: Does your purpose in life include being a husband to your wife?

Hanson: You keep asking the same question over and over. My wife has been clinging to this whole marriage thing too tightly, I am losing my breath

DBM: How so?

Hanson: That is why I am saying I need a break to figure it out. Something is not working in our marriage for me.

DBM: What are you grateful for, when you think about your wife?

Hanson: She lives within her means, and she’s a good mother.

DBM: Are you sexually attracted to her?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: Is she sexually attracted to you?

Hanson: I think so

DBM: Was it ever part of your plans to start a family?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: And, did you ever imagine getting married only to end in a divorce?

Hanson: No!

DBM: Is there something you’re afraid to tell your wife?

Hanson: She’s not the wife I want to be married to

DBM: You have an idea as to the type of wife you want?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: Have you met her yet?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: Are you in love with her?

Hanson: She doesn’t know how I feel about her. She’s also married, though we’ve built a strong friendship. I see a future with her

DBM: During this ‘break’, would you be sleeping with other people?

Hanson: I can’t tell

DBM: Have you been intimate with this other woman?

Hanson: No. We’re just friends.

DBM: If she’s to give you the opportunity to cross that line with her, would you use it as a tourniquet?

Hanson: Yes!

DBM: Do you feel like you’re very different than when you got married?

Hanson: Deep down, I know my wife is not the right woman for me. I have stayed in it for this long even though I am aware of my unhappiness. I feared being alone, so when I realized she loved me, I made the decision to lock her down. I also thought she could fill the void in my life. I still don’t feel complete.

DBM: To the best of my knowledge, only Hanson can complete Hanson.

Image Credit: Pixabay

 

Let’s Talk To William

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 14 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 34: I’m William

DBM: Hello William. Please tell me a little about yourself

William: I’ve been married for 28 years, and my wife says I am a joy to be married to.

DBM: Are you?

William: I’d want to believe so. I make my wife feel included, wanted, special, appreciated and loved. She sleeps soundly by my side every evening.

DBM: I’m glad to know

William: I have been following the conversations you’ve been having with the ladies, and I want to say, it’s good they’re being open about their experiences with married men. However, not every married man cheats. I have played by the rules of marriage for 28 years.

DBM: Well done!

William: Thank you! Dave, when you care about someone for who they are, like how I love my wife, everything about them becomes beautiful to you.

DBM: Do you know any married friends who are doing otherwise?

William: A ton, and they tell me they cheat not because they do not love their wives. I doubt cheating has anything to do with love. A lot of these guys take a chance out with other people because they do not want their wives to feel they’re overly being demanding when it comes to their need for sex. A lot of men love sex; I love sex and it can become our weakness. Unfortunately, many wives who know this about their husbands take advantage of the opportunity to deny them, leaving the men depressed.

DBM: Have you ever been denied sex at home?

William: Many times

DBM: And, what did you do?

William: I exercised self-discipline and control over my desires. I made a promise to my wife when I married her, to forsake all others. I respect myself too much to break my vows.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

William: As a kid, I also saw my father disrespect my mother. We found out he had been cheating on her. The damage it did to our self-esteem as children, and the fact that, our dad did not even see this act of utmost selfishness, and his disregard for our need for security and trust – is the reason why I want to encourage men to be more attentive and available to their wives. A man has to be open and honest to his wife; know how your wife feels, so she can understand how you feel.

DBM: And has it always worked for you?

William: No!

DBM: Did your father love your mum?

William: Like many others, I never heard him appreciate my mother for anything she did. My wife is valuable to me because I appreciate her for being a big part of my life, and that of our family; my children know this. And because she means the world to me, I have never allowed any form of temptation to make me act in a way that would put my marriage to her in jeopardy.

DBM: Is the typical man built for monogamy?

William: Every man has the ability to do right by his wife, even when she’s not there to witness your every move. I made a sacred pledge to commit myself to only my wife, because I love her. It’s a conscious choice I made. Many guys have made similar promises, but are choosing to cast aside the feelings of the women they’re supposed to be in love with, for a momentary time of pleasure. Our integrity as men ought to outweigh our socioeconomic status. My word, as a man, should be as good as my bond; because going back on your promise to your wife means losing all of her trust in you. No one in their right senses should put their trust in you, or even do business with you if you can’t be faithful to your wife.

DBM: It’s that much a big deal?

William: It is to me, unfortunately. Marriage is not an easy work; that is why some of us are working really hard to build and maintain the relationship we want to experience with our wives. The 24-hours I have in a day is barely enough for me to be a husband, father and an employee. I cannot add an extra job of maintaining an affair.

DBM: How often do you think about your wife in a day?

William: She’s come to my mind more than four time already today.

DBM: How about sex?

William: How many times have I thought about sex today?

DBM: Yes!

William: It has not flashed my mind.

DBM: Meaning, you’re not having sex tonight?

William: You are the one drawing my attention to it. I probably would

DBM: How old are you?

William: 57

DBM: If you could be 28 or 29 years old again, would you have asked for your wife’s hand in marriage?

William: No!

DBM: Why not?

William: My intimacy needs are not met. She tries to give in to sex just to make me feel happy, but a lot of the time, I see that she’s not really into it. She agrees to it only out of duty. I have more sex drive than her – and it sometimes creates an unspoken tension between us.

DBM: So, sex plays an important role in marriage

William: If my wife could have understood years ago that, meeting my sexual needs was as important as prioritizing her needs and that of our children, maybe I would have been the happiest man in the world.

DBM: Give me an example of a scenario

William: My mother died 15 years ago. The day of the funeral, I wanted to be intimate with my wife before attending the funeral service that morning. She was very close to mum, and so, she was grieving too; I could understand that part, but hey, she was my mother, and I was hurting the most. I needed that perfect moment to be vulnerable, accepted and not judged for wanting to get laid while my mum lied in state. She refused me that opportunity to be comforted by her. I still remember to this day because that was time that I needed to be covered with my wife’s love.

DBM: You don’t feel alone in the marriage, do you?

William: I’m okay, I’m used to all this. My children are becoming everything they wanted to become, my wife smiles a lot and looks happy all the time. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

DBM: Are you happy, as a married man?

William: I am happy as a man. I am happy as a father. I am proud of being a good husband to my wife

DBM: But…?

William: There is no but. Lol!

DBM: You qualified your state of being a man and a father with happiness. You didn’t do same as a husband.

William: I don’t want to put out the impression that marriage is all about sex for the men. But for some of us guys with a high sex drive, we’re our most confident, active and alive when our wives make it a priority to keep our sex lives interesting and working. A woman is more memorable to a man if the sex is good. A woman is more powerful to a man if the sex is great. A woman is more attractive to a man if the sex is awesome. A man is impressed if sex with you is something he cannot easily get out of his mind.

DBM: I’ve spoken to people who genuinely are good at heart, and do care about their partners. Many of them have had affairs, and do know that, sometimes, it’s the wrong thing to do. But then again, they did not truly know it until they did it.

William: From our conversation, you realize a lot has also gone on in my marriage. Everything that has happened between me and my wife, I’ve had a CHOICE in how to respond. An affair is a type of response. It’s a choice.

DBM: What would you say to people who are in unhappy relationships or marriages, or even jobs that aren’t so fulfilling, whereby they may love or like whoever they may be dealing with, but deep down they know they deserve better?

William: If the relationship isn’t working, if the marriage does not bring you joy; if the job isn’t fulfilling enough; if your life in the situation isn’t progressing – then maybe you need to consider closing that chapter and moving on from that entanglement. You don’t need to waste any more time trying to make others feel good.

Image Credit: Zen Chung

Let’s Talk To IBML

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 33: IBML

DBM: Meaning?

IBML: In-between my legs

DBM: Smh!

IBML: Gidday Dave

DBM: G’day IBML. Please tell me a little about yourself

IBML: I am passionate about unlimiting my capabilities, redefining what is and what is not plausible and just embracing my life outside of my typical repertoire. I am able and adequate enough to reach my desires and goals; I offer companionship to resourceful men and I get paid to spend time with them. I am 36 years of age, single, and a teacher.

DBM: What do you teach?

IBML: I teach in the Biological and Medical Physics areas. I am a PhD holder. My employers are the tertiary institutions.

DBM: What does your average day look like?

IBML: Today is Saturday; I woke up, brushed my teeth, had a quick shower, fed my dogs, had my breakfast, did a little bit of cleaning and arranging around the house; took my bath and went out to get groceries. I did in all, three hours of TV, social media and a movie; texting and talking to my friends in-between; engaged a client I will be meeting tonight to offer him companionship, and now chatting with you.

DBM: How would you describe yourself?

IBML: I am a professional woman, who is not putting her private life on the back burner

DBM: What do you want in life?

IBML: I don’t want it all, that, I know for certain. I also have a schedule that fits my needs, and that does not include having a family, if that is your question.

DBM: I see

IBML: I work close to 58 hours a week, and this leaves pretty much little time for me to focus on anything else.

DBM: Is marriage a decision you would ever make?

IBML: I know people in good marriages and I will encourage anyone who has met a good person who is single and available to them; someone who is kind and will respect their relationship with them, to consider marriage – if it’s a topic for discussion on the table. I am just not interested in that concept.

DBM: Why is that?

IBML: I am speaking from my experiences with my clients. The married men I offer my services to do not see the need to respect the value of their commitments to their spouses. It’s like, they intentionally would put themselves in a position to have the option of losing their wives. Most of my clients are bored with their wives and marriages. And Dave, the typical man wants to progress in his life. That’s the unfortunate truth women don’t seem to pay attention to.

DBM: Interesting

IBML: My clients pay a lot of money for my time; so, when I am dressed up and look all seasoned for tonight’s encounter for example, he sees me, and in his eyes, I am the very expensive meal on the menu.

DBM: But it’s not all about sex?

IBML: Dave, a menu is a comprehensive list of interesting options offered to a customer when they come into contact with what they want or need or desire. I offer an extensive variety of choices, and each service is priced differently, based on the effort to be put into it. I am always in charge of my kitchen; I keep a strict tab on every move I make and ensure to be making profit at the end of the day.

DBM: What drove you into this job?

IBML: I think the men I come across generally find me attractive, and I appeal more to a certain class of them. Unfortunately, a higher percentage of that class happen to be married. Most are rich and can afford to get away with cheating on their wives. One man actually told me, he’s been caught a few times by his wife, but he’s managed to always weasel his way back into her heart.

DBM: So, it’s because you attract them?

IBML: Not entirely. I crave for sex a lot, and it can be a dilemma to deal with. I’m not addicted to it, but once I think it, I want it again… and again… and again. I think I look sexy and more attractive because of the constant sex I have. And I have explored all my sexual fantasies to better understand my own body and its needs, especially when it comes to receiving pleasure. I love the idea of variety, that’s why I cannot see myself settling with just one man.

DBM: Okay!

IBML: If I am to be in a relationship or married, my husband can put a limit on my sexual exploits. As a single woman, I am free of the expectations of a spouse’s need for my time and attention. I choose whom to dedicate my time and attention to, of course, at a fee.

DBM: I get you.

IBML: It’s all about the choices one makes to validate their routine

DBM: How long have you been in this work?

IBML: Since age 21

DBM: At night, when you are alone, are you pleased with your self and accomplishments?

IBML: I am not ashamed of who I am; I am not ashamed of what I do. In fact, I am pleased with the fact that, I don’t keep all my eggs in one basket. The men I come into contact with all know it’s a service I provide. I’ve not lied to anyone to be in a for better and for worse relationship with. I’ve always kept my options open. And as a career woman, I have always kept a back-up plan handy. No one knows tomorrow, so a Plan B is always within my reach

DBM: What is the one good thing about your work with men?

IBML: I’ve come to understand what most guys want from a woman.

DBM: What do men want?

IBML: They want us to drive them nuts – in a fun, cool way. My clients like it when I wear lacy underwear and dance seductively for them. I think it stimulates them visually, and drives them wild. Whenever I look in the eyes of a client while I slowly undress, I feel their minds racing all around me. It’s like, they’re imagining what could come next as my next move.

DBM: Probably because you have a flawless body

IBML: My physique is nothing close to flawless. My clients hardly pay any attention to the flaws on my body when I am busy turning them on. It’s all about getting them involved in the fun. I think men want the same things women want: companionship, friendship, and chemistry. They want to be loved, served, and given space when they need it. When they’re around me, they get to laugh a lot; I randomly would touch them, and they touch back. I hug them, and they hug back.

DBM: Served what?

IBML: Basically, great sex to sustain the connection in the relationship, and also, releasing stress and tension. After the sex is serving him good food. Cook him something to fill his belly.

DBM: You cook for them?

IBML: I don’t, but I order homemade meals to be delivered to us. It’s all in the package I offer.

DBM: I see

IBML: I don’t manipulate them to have things done my way, like how most of them feel their wives do. Before they book for my services, they already know I choose them from a place of want, not desperation. And, I certainly ask for my wants and needs to be met. I am courageous and strong like that.

DBM: What is the worst thing about your work?

IBML: I cannot predict the behavior of a new client. If it’s an in-call service, I choose the location. If it’s an out-call service, then I have to go visit at a location chosen by him. Some clients are not who they say they are, and if you’re not careful…

DBM: Are you friends with your clients?

IBML: A lot of them are pleased with my services and keep the working relationship ongoing. But some are just a once-off situation.

DBM: Have you ever been attracted to your clients?

IBML: I don’t get my emotions involved. Secondly, most of these clients are not available to be taken. They’re already married.

DBM: Have they been attracted to you?

IBML: A lot of them have, but they’re aware it’s a job for me to make them feel good. So, it’s not just about one person’s feelings.

DBM: If I gave you the opportunity to say something to the married women reading this conversation, what would you say?

IBML: Your husband will look at the other woman who is hotter, sexier, smarter and beautiful than you, and that is not something he can easily control. It doesn’t make him inconsiderate. He is fighting his sexual urges. Clients tell me because their wives have zero percent chance of finding out about their extracurricular activities with other people, they get away with cheating. Some know they’ve got a good thing at home with you and they do consider your feelings while with me; others know what they’ve got to lose but just don’t care. Clients pay for my services because with me, they’re on the receiving end. I rock their world doing all the hard work with their best friend, the penis. Yes, I said it: your husband’s best friend is not you. His best friend is not his colleague at work or the guy who played his best man at your wedding. His best friend is not a childhood mate. Have breakfast in bed with that guy in-between your husband’s legs.

DBM: Thank you for availing yourself to this chat

IBML: You have to chat with our other friend.

DBM: I would appreciate it if you could put in a word

Image Credit: Alan Cabello

Let’s Talk To Mawuena

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 11 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 32: Mawuena is my name

DBM: Oh, nice. I like Ewe names. What does it mean?

Mawuena: A gift from God or God’s gift

DBM: How is it pronounced?

Mawuena: Ma-wu-ena or MAH-WUH-EH-NAH

DBM: Hi Mawuena. Please tell me a little about yourself

Mawuena: I am married with children. I like it whenever the sunshine falls on my face. I have a good job, I am financially independent, and I have a mind of my own. I love to keep my home clean and my family well fed. I love being involved in my children’s lives, and I have always been there to support my husband and keep him amused.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Mawuena: My priority has been to make my husband a happy man by all means, and he’s told me many times that I satisfy him.

DBM: Good, but what does that mean?

Mawuena: Whatever that means, David, because I don’t believe him anymore.

DBM: Hmmmm!

Mawuena: He’s been partially blind for the past few months.

DBM: What happened?

Mawuena: He supposedly returned home from work in August, 2022, feeling sick. He complained about his skin becoming painfully itchy, but would refuse to go and see a physician. A week later, I realized the cornea area of his eyes had started to scar. I called a doctor friend to come and check on him at home. In the middle of October, he went blind.

DBM: Oh, wow! I’m terribly sorry

Mawuena: Don’t be

DBM: Why not?

Mawuena: I think it was the Universe’s way of letting me catch up with him.

DBM: How so?

Mawuena: All that while, I had not heard my husband’s phone ring or vibrate, not even once. He has been given a sick leave to recover, and so he’s been home from Wednesday, 19th of October till date.

DBM: Okay! How is he doing now?

Mawuena: His vision is still blurry but he feels the impact of light rays entering his eyes lately.

DBM: So, that’s an improvement?

Mawuena: Yes, hopefully.

DBM: You were talking about his phone

Mawuena: I don’t know where our five-year old son found his mobile phone but it was switched off and hidden somewhere in the house. He wanted me to download games on it for him to play. I switched it on, and gave it to him to go ask his father for his password. That was in the morning of Tuesday, 25th of October. I was getting late for work so I left them. I came home in the evening, and my son was standing at our carpark, waiting for me. Dave, anytime this child has told me to shishhh, he’s had something to report about. He told me his daddy made him promise not to tell me.

DBM: What?

Mawuena: He was holding his father’s phone. He unlocked the passcode and asked me to check his WhatsApp. My baby says his father instructed him to delete messages that had come in from a particular contact. He did not delete them but had lied to his father he had. He wanted me to see it first.

DBM: What did you see?

Mawuena: Everything a child shouldn’t be seeing. Obscene images and videos from my husband’s girlfriend.

DBM: Why would your son show you this?

Mawuena: Joshua is so beloved. He is the cutest kid in the world and a total badass. He understands my ultimate rule at home: Do not keep anything from mummy.

DBM: I see

Mawuena: From his conversations with the lady on August 24th, whatever bit him to make him feel sick had bitten him while he was at her house. Mind you, it was this same day that he came home complaining about body ache. I did not know he had called in sick at work that Wednesday morning, because he left home, claiming he was going to work. He went to spend an entire day with his side piece of shit.

DBM: Marriage is challenging

Mawuena: Dave, stop with the inspirational talk

DBM: Oh!

Mawuena: I am going through the gruesome pain of his cheating ass and I don’t need any motivational messages at this moment.

DBM: Noted! Have you ever had doubts about his loyalty to you?

Mawuena: I had no clue about infidelity. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything because it’s difficult to catch my husband in a wrongdoing. He is smart and gives you no reason to doubt him. My husband is also very careful about leaving any clues on his phone. He would have probably become more careful and subtle if he realized that I was onto him.

DBM: Have you confronted him?

Mawuena: I have.

DBM: You’ve known since October. Are you still angry at him?

Mawuena: Yes, and I’ve tried my best not to hurt him where it hurts, but I am at a complete loss as to what to do. How do I get attracted to a man when he has taken a wrecking ball to my trust in him?

DBM: You love him?

Mawuena: I’ve never loved any man as much as I love my husband. That’s what pains me. Before finding out about his cheating, we used to have sex multiple times in a week. Dave, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. There was so much hunger like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t understand why he would do this to me.

DBM: Unfortunately, the urges of a cheating man lack reason.

Mawuena: And the fact that he told our son to lie, and gave him money for his silence

DBM: How much?

Mawuena: 50 Cedis

DBM: How is a blind man able to see a GHs 50 note?

Mawuena: Josh says he asked him to go and take it from his wallet. But he gave the money to me after handing over his father’s phone.

DBM: Are you still intimate with him?

Mawuena: No! I’ve lost that passion. I don’t feel comfortable doing anything sexual with him again.

DBM: Has he owned up to his mistake?

Mawuena: He’s been asking for forgiveness. He’s also been begging for sex.

DBM: Lol!

Mawuena: Smfh!

DBM: Is your relationship worth rescuing?

Mawuena: I no longer have interest in making my marriage a priority.

DBM: Can you let go of the resentment towards him and try to move forward?

Mawuena: Maybe, but I am not sure I would want to have sex with my husband ever again.

DBM: Is there a possibility of you being happy with him, despite what he has done?

Mawuena: No! I have mixed feelings about everything that has happened. I don’t think I can easily forgive and forget. I don’t trust him.

Image Credit: Yan Krukau

Let’s Talk To Abdul

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 31: My name is Abdul

DBM: Hello Abdul. Please tell me a little about yourself

Abdul: I am the provider in my family, and have been through numerous experiences in life but would not let these experiences limit or define me. I am 48 years old, a Lawyer, married, and a father.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Abdul: I want to talk about me being a man, a husband and a father.

DBM: I’m interested.

Abdul: Dave, I go through a whole lot, and it’s unfortunate that sometimes, though I am married to a great woman, I tend to have no one to turn to

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: Because we’ve been conditioned to believe that, being strong means keeping quiet about certain things; and that we have to mask our emotions as men

DBM: Who has placed these conditions on you?

Abdul: The world and the society I find myself in.

DBM: I see

Abdul: I’ve been suffering in silence to be honest with you. I’m always keeping important issues bothering me to myself, and I don’t get to deal with them accordingly.

DBM: What kind of issues bother you?

Abdul: I’m supposed to be happily married but it feels like I am not fully into it

DBM: Not fully into the marriage or your wife?

Abdul: Both, and even the idea of being a father to my own children.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Abdul: I will be doing nine years this August.

DBM: That’s wonderful

Abdul: But it’s like, I am ruining my own happiness on the account of someone else’s happiness.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Abdul: I wanted to get married because I wanted to fall in love

DBM: What did you see in your wife?

Abdul: Beauty. I was attracted to her. And, she wanted to be married to me because she was in love with me.

DBM: When you look in her face today, what do you see?

Abdul: I don’t know what I see.

DBM: Take your time to think about my question. Let me give you an example: when I look in the face of the one I am in love with, I see joy, smiles; I see hope for us, I see someone who genuinely cares about and wants the very best for me; I see my name, and everything that is important to me written all over this person’s desires. I see their own strength, and dreams and abilities to want to accomplish so much for themselves, do good for themselves, so they can get to live a good life with me in it.

Abdul: I see confusion, sometimes sadness and anger in her eyes.

DBM: What do you see in the mirror when you look at you?

Abdul: Regrets, confusion, unhappiness, and a wish to be left alone.

DBM: What do you like about your wife?

Abdul: She’s a good mother to our children. I know she tries to be a good wife to me

DBM: I know you’re physically attracted to her. Are you sexually attracted to her?

Abdul: Yes!

DBM: Are you happy with the woman in the position of a wife to you?

Abdul: I don’t know how to answer this question.

DBM: When you made the decision to want to get married to her, did you know what you were getting yourself into?

Abdul: I thought I did.

DBM: What were you certain of, before you embarked on this journey?

Abdul: I knew I had a beautiful woman; I knew I was going to enjoy limitless sex with her; I knew our children would be in good hands

DBM: But you weren’t certain you were ever going to be happy with her in your picture?

Abdul: I don’t think I ever thought of it.

DBM: Do you share the same interests?

Abdul: Not really.

DBM: Do you like your wife the way she is or you’d love for her to change?

Abdul: I don’t know

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Abdul: We talk

DBM: Who do you resent the most, your wife or you?

Abdul: I resent myself

DBM: Why?

Abdul: Because I chose to put myself in this situation.

DBM: Does your wife respect you?

Abdul: She does.

DBM: What does your wife say to people in respect to what you are to her?

Abdul: I’ve heard her tell her family and friends that I am a provider and her protector.

DBM: What are your priorities in life?

Abdul: To be happy

DBM: You’re not happy now, but do you see any potential in being a happy man with your wife and children by your side?

Abdul: No!

DBM: Do you love your children?

Abdul: I do

DBM: What are your goals in life?

Abdul: To achieve my dreams.

DBM: What percentage of your dreams have been achieved?

Abdul: I’d say, 50%

DBM: What does the other half entail?

Abdul: Building a happy home with my soul mate.

DBM: Is your wife your soul mate?

Abdul: I don’t know.

DBM: How soon did you two start to be intimate after your first meet?

Abdul: The attraction was there, and so we hit it off not so long after. Why that question?

DBM: I am very old fashioned, and sometimes believe sex can confuse me from clearly understanding my commitment and depth to someone I like.

Abdul: I had feelings for her

DBM: Question is, what type of feelings were they? Since you were already picturing getting laid

Abdul: That makes sense.

DBM: Are you open and honest about your true feelings to your wife?

Abdul: No!

DBM: How about, to you?

Abdul: I doubt it

DBM: Do you trust your wife?

Abdul: I do

DBM: Do you get to acknowledge to yourself, exactly what is bothering you?

Abdul: I often would dismiss it when it come to mind.

DBM: Why?

Abdul: It’s easier that way.

DBM: Can your marriage in any way, help you fix whatever is troubling you?

Abdul: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Abdul: I wish I didn’t have this conversation with you.

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: I don’t know. I don’t know what I want

DBM: Abdul…

Abdul: Yeah

DBM: It is very okay not to be okay. But do not rob yourself of your emotions. Do not rob yourself of your heart. Don’t be walking around for so long, feeling broken within. Try to make it easy on you, so you can find delight in hanging out with your own self.

Abdul: Okay!

DBM: Be an influence to your own mood

Image Credit: Nicola Barts

 

Let’s Talk To Ayitey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 26 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 29: Ayitey

DBM: Hey Ayi! Please tell me a little about yourself

Ayitey: I am an unhappy husband, often depressed due to the uncertainties of the state of my marriage at the moment.

DBM: What’s happening to your marriage?

Ayitey: My wife is battling with cancer, and I am finding it hard to cope. Seeing her in pain sometimes makes me wish I were single

DBM: Is she on treatment?

Ayitey: She is, but the nausea, exhaustion and bloating are heart wrenching to watch. I feel powerless when I am unable to help someone I care about. She’s really suffering, and I dread seeing her every day.

DBM: I am sorry about that

Ayitey: She’s not the same woman I used to love. She’s not attractive to me.

DBM: Mastectomy, I know leads to body-image concerns. I have a friend whose breast was removed.

Ayitey: My wife looks miserable and there is nothing I can do to make her feel alright. Emotionally, I am suffering; physically, I am suffering

DBM: She’s enduring same, if not more.

Ayitey: I know, and it breaks my heart to say this but I feel like I didn’t sign up for this.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ayitey: 10 years

DBM: And how was the years prior to the cancer?

Ayitey: It was great. We had a lot of fun. We laughed a lot. We were a happy family

DBM: Do you still love your wife?

Ayitey: I don’t know, Dave. I don’t know how I feel about all this

DBM: How do you feel about her now?

Ayitey: I just want to be single. I am with someone I don’t know how to help

DBM: You know she knows that you cannot fix or make her feel better, right?

Ayitey: I don’t know

DBM: Is she able to talk about what she’s going through with you?

Ayitey: Not so much

DBM: Why is that?

Ayitey: Because it will make me feel bad, so I’d rather avoid the conversation.

DBM: If I am to put myself in your wife’s shoes, I know I would want my spouse to make me feel heard. I would want to discuss my pain with you; I would want to freely express all of my emotions with no one else but you – and I would appreciate a partner who would acknowledge all these things I would be going through.

Ayitey: You’re always on the side of the ladies, I’m not surprised

DBM: It’s not about taking sides

Ayitey: Dave, I don’t know what my wife wants

DBM: Have you asked her what she wants from you?

Ayitey: Is it even important? She’s not well

DBM: Again, in your wife’s shoes: I would want my partner to comfort me with their loving presence, without any form of judgement.

Ayitey: It’s not as easy as you think

DBM: Simplify it for me then?

Ayitey: I am unable to have sex with her

DBM: For how long now?

Ayitey: It’s been over a year. The last time I had sex with my wife was in January, 2022

DBM: When was the last time you had sex?

Ayitey: Dave, we’re not discussing me. Let’s talk about my wife

DBM: You brought the subject of sex, which I’m presuming is important to you?

Ayitey: It is

DBM: When did you last have sex with anyone?

Ayitey: On Sunday

DBM: Before Sunday, had you been intimate with anyone?

Ayitey: Yes!

DBM: When?

Ayitey: Lol! Saturday

DBM: Before the Saturday, had you been with someone else?

Ayitey: Why all these questions?

DBM: I want to understand how active you’ve been sexually, that’s all.

Ayitey: Thursday

DBM: With whom?

Ayitey: I don’t want to talk about it.

DBM: But is it with the same person?

Ayitey: I don’t want to talk about it.

DBM: I will respect that.

Ayitey: Okay!

DBM: Have you thought creatively into finding other ways to achieve intimacy with your wife?

Ayitey: Everything is a pain with her. I don’t want to inconvenience her

DBM: Have you tried listening to cool music together, while touching and kissing her gently?

Ayitey: It’s not worth it, trust me

DBM: Do you know how to love your wife?

Ayitey: Dave, I’ve tried everything

DBM: Everything like what?

Ayitey: David, do you know why I am chatting with you?

DBM: Tell me

Ayitey: I am with another woman who is filling in the space. I did not expect this, but I am in love with her. She’s also pregnant with my child.

DBM: Does she love you?

Ayitey: I think so.

DBM: She knows about your wife’s condition?

Ayitey: She does

DBM: What does she say about it?

Ayitey: We don’t discuss it

DBM: When was the last time you held your wife’s hand meaningfully? When was the last time you were not afraid to look straight in her eyes to assure her that you are not intimidated by the disease? When was the last time you found value in remaining present in her struggle, assuring her you’re a witness to what is happening to her and your relationship, and that, you love her regardless?

Ayitey: I don’t love my wife. I like her, but I don’t think it’s love.

DBM: This realization came to you, before or after the sickness?

Ayitey: Before. Cancer only took my mask off.

DBM: Why did you marry her?

Ayitey: I don’t know. Maybe because she was beautiful and physically attractive.

DBM: Was?

Ayitey: Am I a bad person?

DBM: Are you a bad person?

Ayitey: I don’t think so.

DBM: Okay! Anything else you’d want us to talk about?

Ayitey: I just wanted someone to talk to.

DBM: Do you feel better now?

Ayitey: I don’t know what to do

DBM: You have children with your wife?

Ayitey: I do.

DBM: How old are they?

Ayitey: 9 and 7

DBM: Have you both explained what their mother is going through to them?

Ayitey: They’re too young to understand.

DBM: At their age, they get it. They see what is happening. There are age-appropriate ways to explain cancer.

Ayitey: I am dealing with so much already. I can’t add another type of stress to my stress.

DBM: Being secretive about her diagnosis doesn’t solve anything

Ayitey: They will be fine

DBM: Are they eating home-cooked meals?

Ayitey: Yes, we have a house help.

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Nicola Barts

Let’s Talk To Juliet

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 25: Juliet

DBM: Hi Juliet. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Juliet: I am the person I want to become. Anything else you see is simply a product of my work-in-progress. I am true to myself and do not easily lose hope. I believe in deeper spiritual connects when it comes to romance, and not the fleeting pleasures of physical intimacy.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Juliet: I read your conversation with Sylvester, and I think I have dated a man like his type before.

DBM: What are their types like?

Juliet: Very good looking and charming. They are always on a never-ending, excruciating assignment presenting the impression that they are everything a woman should be interested in; they appear desirable and will be a woman’s saving grace. They sell us this dream that they’re not bad boys, and will be kind and considerate so far as it benefits them.

DBM: That’s a lot of words

Juliet: The excuse my ex-boyfriend gave to me was, the other lady only wanted to have a child by him. He claimed there were no strings attached, but after I ended the relationship, guess who he married?

DBM: No strings attached?

Juliet: Yes!

DBM: How long did you two date?

Juliet: Three years. The bad news is, I still love him.

DBM: Why did you end it?

Juliet: He got her pregnant.

DBM: Are you married?

Juliet: I am married.

DBM: Are you in love with your husband?

Juliet: I love my husband.

DBM: Are you in contact with your ex?

Juliet: Yes! I will be seeing him in the afternoon.

DBM: Where?

Juliet: At his house. He’s not far from where I work.

DBM: But he’s married, no?

Juliet: His wife left him. She took their children along.

DBM: So, he’s divorced?

Juliet: Not yet, but they’re no longer together.

DBM: Why?

Juliet: I don’t have much details about that. I visit him every day because he is bedridden, and I have been helping to take care of him.

DBM: That was part of your wedding vows to your husband?

Juliet: No!

DBM: Where is his own family of orientation?

Juliet: I don’t think he has told anyone what is going on with him. I know his mother is alive, and he has sisters and brothers.

DBM: Why are you taking care of him?

Juliet: He called me when he was on admission at the hospital. He said he had no one.

DBM: What made you empathize with him?

Juliet: I never stopped loving him. And I took a thoughtful approach to his very difficult situation. I want the best for him.

DBM: How old are his children?

Juliet: 10 and 7

DBM: What do you do when you go to his house?

Juliet: I have hired a house-help who makes sure he has home-cooked meals and clean clothes. When I go there, we try to talk. I help him to sometimes get dressed. I help him to eat too when his tremors are at its worst. I go there to assure him there is plenty of love around him.

DBM: Does he love you?

Juliet: I don’t want to know. I just want to be sure he is getting better.

DBM: For how long have you been doing this?

Juliet: Since July, this year.

DBM: Does your husband know about your afternoon shifts?

Juliet: No! He will not believe there is nothing going on between us.

DBM: Will something ever happen between the two of you?

Juliet: I am not looking forward to anything happening between us. That chapter was closed many years ago. I am not going back to rewrite our story. It ended, though I still have feelings for him.

DBM: Is it easy to love someone and not be with them?

Juliet: David, that is why I am saying Sylvester may be a good guy, at least, from your conversation with him yesterday; however, good, may sometimes not be good enough to hold on to. I feel the energy of love between me and my ex when I come to check on him. A relationship on the other hand is something I will not make happen between us ever again.

DBM: Why not?

Juliet: I have consciously chosen the man I want to be in a relationship with, and that’s my husband.

DBM: Interesting!

Juliet: My ex-boyfriend is not the only man I have felt strongly for: I have developed love for my boss, my Bishop at church, a former mate from the university and a close friend’s husband. It’s not lust I am referring to; I fell in love with these men, and I know they had feelings for me too but I wouldn’t execute it. I remember I was sitting across the table from my Bishop/pastor in his office, crying to him about all the reasons why I believed I was in love with him. Guess what he told me?

DBM: What?

Juliet: I am always on his mind too. The things these men have done for me individually, that my husband has no clue of, but again, because I want to be a good wife to my husband, I don’t allow my feelings to direct my path.

DBM: Love is not enough, I guess?

Juliet: As a married woman or man, you can never be the right person for another man or woman who is in love with you. It just doesn’t make sense to be inserting another person into every aspect of your life, knowing that spot is already taken by a spousal figure you’re supposed to be accountable to.

DBM: You make a good point.

Juliet: I care about my husband, that’s why hurting his feelings with an affair would definitely still hurt me.

DBM: Most married men believe they can go out there to get what they want

Juliet: For us women, we don’t have to even go out there, because what we want come to us. My boss at work is full of fireworks; he is kind, great guy, handsome, very funny and considerate. He is rich, and my husband doesn’t stand a chance. He told me point blank that he’s happily married, but still wants to be in a romantic relationship with me. He gave me one year to consider his proposal. I said no, and we’re still great friends.

DBM: So, you do not think Sylvester is doing right by any of the women?

Juliet: Liars are cheats; Sylvester is cheating on all of them because he knows he can get away with it, and, perhaps more importantly, because he is willing to let himself get away with it.

DBM: Why will you not cheat on your husband, looking at the history you’ve given me about yourself?

Juliet: Simple, I keep my husband in mind wherever I find myself. Though I acknowledge to whoever else I develop love for, and let them know how much I care about them, I consider my husband’s feelings in all my decisions. And I make sure my feelings towards other men doesn’t go beyond feelings. I return home to the imperfect human being I married.

Image Credit: Jasmine Carter

Let’s Talk To Ofori: Part 2

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Mr. Ofori, thank you for agreeing to a second interview.

Ofori: My pleasure. I read some of the comment on Facebook. People want to hear more.

DBM: Yes please

Ofori: I’m ready

DBM: This question is from Anane Wisdom to your wife: Why did she marry a jobless former prison inmate? What did she see in you that no one else did? How did her family take her decision to marry you? And, how was the marriage ceremony?

Ofori: I need to ask my wife. I will type her response

DBM: Okay!

(15 minutes later)

Ofori: Ama had a fiancé the time they came for the prison outreach. After our encounter, she couldn’t stop herself from forgetting about me. She did not get back to me for a long time because she was in a relationship with George. Things ended between them after he got another woman pregnant. She says, though George was her taste, he was totally wrong for her. She considered dating me because she believed I fit into the normalcy of her life. She decided we would be friends, and a relationship was built from there. She married me because we had become good friends. She says I became her responsibility, and she had trust in me. We also found common ground during misunderstandings, and had come out with a deeper understanding of issues; we were empathetic towards each another, and had respect for our point of views. We were comfortable with each other because I was living in her house. I also realized I could be content with just Ama. And, because she was in love with me, and I in her, she wanted nothing more than to marry me. Her family were not in favor of her decision, but she was convinced I was hers to keep. We had a very simple wedding, and it was sponsored by my wife and her close friends.

DBM: From Benjamin Riverston: Where was your mother when you got released from prison? Was your mother checking up on you while in prison? What was the relationship between your father and mother while in prison? And, did your father ever forgive you?

Ofori: In our house, my father dominated their marriage. My mother didn’t have a say; she had to do everything my father wanted done. I did not see them making decisions together, she could not strike a balance even with how to raise us kids. My father didn’t want anything to do with me, and so my mother kept her physical distance in order not to upset my father. But she would send food and greetings through my wife to me in prison. Ama became friends with my mother in the process. I will describe the relationship between my parents as toxic. He abused my mother physically, emotionally, sexually and psychologically. My father did not forgive me till he died.

DBM: Kwadwo Twum wants to know the role your wife played in making you who you became after your release? And, how did society define you? How were you able to fit into society, and even find work?

Ofori: I craved for support during my encounter with Ama on their outreach program. When we became friends, and was visiting me in prison, I kept reminding her I would need help to make it out there after my release. Ama was that singular someone in my life who cared about me unconditionally, and was by my side, no matter what could go wrong. I had the ability to understand numbers and how they could influence a company; I had an eye for detail, and loved math. She knew I wanted the opportunity to go back to school, and she believed in my mind. She took bank loans to fund my education. I have two Masters degrees and was working in Finance prior to my retirement. I paid back all the monies she spent on me after I was gainfully employed. My wife ensured all my needs were met. She allowed me to make decisions concerning my life and interests, and she supported me through and through without a shadow of doubt. She believed I was capable of meeting my goals, and was my number one fan – always encouraging me to go after my dreams. I became the best version of myself.

My entire society was built around my wife. It was a conscious choice I made, and she built my confidence in believing in myself. Her presence in my life made me believe everything was going to work out, one way or the other. We also planned as early as possible for what I could do in order to have a successful life after prison.

DBM: From Fafah Gloria: How was your relationship with your parents after prison? And, do you have siblings? What was their reaction towards you?

Ofori: I only had a relationship with my mother, that was even after my father died years later. I have four other siblings from my mother’s side and three younger ones my dad had with other women. My siblings eventually came along.

DBM: Miriam Ronke would want to know whether or not you would advise any child to stand up for his or her abused parent?

Ofori: Unfortunately for me, beating up dad didn’t stop him from abusing my mother. And I ended up in prison. If you’re a witness to a parent being abused, find the nearest police station or domestic abuse service to report the abuser. Usually, abusers don’t listen to talks, so don’t try reasoning with them. Don’t ignore the issue thinking it’s up to your parents to figure out. Help them figure it out by getting the abuser arrested. It gives the victim room to decide what’s good for them.

DBM: Gyene W’ani wants to know whether or not Ama uses your past against you when there is a disagreement?

Ofori: Never. Trust is the foundation of our relationship, and she’s never had to protect herself from me because of my past record. She’s not the type who would use guilt as a weapon to control me; she’s not insensitive nor judgmental. Unlike my dad, Ama knows I’ve made mistakes and made amends the best way possible. I’ve been moving in the right direction since and I’d say, we’re happy together. She’s looked beyond the prison inmate.

DBM: The last question comes from me; you mentioned looking beyond the temptation to cheat on your wife in our first interview. How were you able to easily do that?

Ofori: It wasn’t an easy decision, Dave. I know the kind of life my father lived, and how his actions gravely affected my mother’s psychological wellbeing. My goal was to not satisfy several women with my affection and desires and expectations. My wife deserved my best, and so I chose Ama, to rather discover wholly and intentionally with my desire to satisfy all of her needs till death do us part. It’s a decision to choose to desire your wife over others, and I always chose Ama. She’s enough!

DBM: Thank you, Sir.

Ofori: You’re welcome. Hopefully, we covered all the questions?

DBM: Yes please, we have.

Image Credit: Kindel Media

Let’s Talk To Ofori: Part 1

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 10 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 23: I’m Ofori

DBM: Hi Ofori. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Ofori: 70 years young. I have had my share of the ups and downs and I believe that is what has made me the man I am today. They say I have a good sense of humor and very opinionated; I get out of bed early because my knees have started to hurt and everything aches lately.

DBM:  Why is a 70-year-old man on Facebook?

Ofori: I have been monitoring my children. I read from a few platforms to also see what’s happening. My daughter indirectly introduced your account to me. She comments a lot under your posts, and it was showing in my newsfeed. I think I’ve followed you for three years.

DBM: Nice meeting you, Sir. What do you want to talk about?

Ofori: I want to talk about my journey as a man.

DBM: Oh, nice! I am interested.

Ofori: I was in prison when I was 22 years old. I got released at age 32. I married at age 33.

DBM: Why were you in prison?

Ofori: I beat my father for beating my mum. He collapsed in the process because I hit his head with a sharp object. I was arrested and the rest is history.

DBM: How was life in prison?

Ofori: Imagine a boarding school built not to educate but frustrate and punish you. Every given moment of your day is scheduled and tightly controlled. You do not have the luxury to make a plan; lights go on and off per someone’s instruction; you do not have a choice to eat what you want; you force yourself to eat what you are given else you will go hungry. At night, there is the cessation of all movement and activities. You breathe the same stinking air and smell; it becomes your new normal. Life in prison is not a life any young man should experience. Being completely removed from society is not pleasant. We think Ghana is tough? Prison is hell. If you’ve not been caught in certain mistakes yet, find yourself a bit of help so you can get on the right path. It’s never too late.

DBM: How was the feeling after being released?

Ofori: The process was daunting and traumatic; so much anxiety and adjustments. A lot of catching up to be done, while dealing with mental health issues. I was practically stuck and didn’t know how to function in the society.

DBM: You married a year after your release. Tell me about that.

Ofori: I met my wife after I had served my first five years in prison. Her church had organized an event at our station, and they came to screen us. She was part of the health team that attended to me. While they took our samples and examined us, they asked what brought us to prison. I shared my story and she developed an interest in my case.

DBM: What was your first impression of her?

Ofori: I thought she was alright.

DBM: Your taste?

Ofori: It didn’t really matter to me because I knew she wasn’t going to fall for an inmate.

DBM: But was she your taste?

Ofori: She wasn’t. She came back 13 months later to visit me.

DBM: You remembered her?

Ofori: I did. She was the only one in the health team who looked me in the eyes and smiled at me during their outreach. I took a picture of her smiling – with my mind, and I looked at her every now and then.

DBM: Did she have the same smile when you saw her again?

Ofori: Even better. I told her I had been thinking about her.

DBM: Had you?

Ofori: You’re not listening. I just told you I look at her picture with my mind. Of course, I had been thinking about her. She told me she used to think about me too.

DBM: How did that make you feel?

Ofori: It was at that point that I realized she was my taste.

DBM: How so?

Ofori: My wife demonstrated mercy and grace amidst my hardship. Days after our second meet, I developed feelings for her because she’s a woman of impeccable character and stanch integrity. She was compassionate to my needs. 37 years in marriage, and she’s still the same towards me. I seriously cannot put a measure to my wife’s worth.

DBM: Why did you marry her?

Ofori: When I suggested marriage to her, I wasn’t working. I did not have money to even feed myself. I didn’t have a place to lay my head because my father didn’t want me around. My wife took me in. It was a risky decision she took, but she did anyways. She can be very stubborn; I have to admit. I felt so alone when I came out of prison. Marrying my wife eliminated loneliness for me.

DBM: How old is your wife?

Ofori: She’s two years older than me.

DBM: 72

Ofori: Yes!

DBM: How has marriage been like for you thus far?

Ofori: Nothing I could have ever dreamt of. It’s been beautiful, as well as hard. But we’ve moved through the tests of life together.

DBM: How many children?

Ofori: Four wonderful humans.

DBM: How important is sex in your marriage?

Ofori: As a young couple, we had a lot of sex while we could. Before and after the births of our children. Our emotional connection is still intact due to memories from the good old days.

DBM: Can I ask a personal question?

Ofori: I am already answering personal questions. Shoot!

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Ofori: The thought had occurred to me a couple of times from all directions, but I did not pursue the temptation. The bond I have with my wife is deep and that has been my support to stay true to my vows. I was not in a hurry to get where I was going with my wife in our marital journey. Most of the parties in marriages today are in such a hurry to reach a certain cloud, they have no sense of slowing down to appreciate, and be content with the little steps they take.

DBM: How have you been able to stay married this long?

Ofori: Oh, I have been reminding myself why my wife looks pretty to me. Whenever I hear her voice, I remind myself why I am still in love with her, especially during disagreements and fights. I look at the changes in her body that I don’t like so much, and rather zoom in, and sharpen the focus of my attention to the charming details about her that I used to see as amazing. I always remember why she’s my favorite woman, and I choose to be with her every day.

Image Credit: Kindel Media 

Let’s Talk To Maame Yaa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 22: My name is Maame Yaa

DBM: Hello Maame Yaa. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Maame Yaa: I am a young woman of faith, with Jesus in my heart. I try to inspire change, lift those around me up, do good and have respect for people. I am a medical doctor by profession, and 32 years of age.

DBM: Want do you want to talk about?

Maame Yaa: My boyfriend is insisting we have sex before marriage. I want to have sex on my wedding night.

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Maame Yaa: We will be three years in February, 2023.

DBM: And has he discussed his plans concerning a future together with you in marriage?

Maame Yaa: Yes, he has.

DBM: When is that going to happen?

Maame Yaa: We’ve not decided on the date.

DBM: Would it be in 2023?

Maame Yaa: I don’t know.

DBM: So, you’re not certain whether or not he is going to marry you any time soon?

Maame Yaa: Yes!

DBM: Are you a virgin?

Maame Yaa: No, I am not.

DBM: Is your boyfriend the one who broke your virginity?

Maame Yaa: No! He is the third guy I have dated.

DBM: You had sex with the first two?

Maame Yaa: Yes!

DBM: Why do you want sex with him on your wedding night?

Maame Yaa: I want to feel in control of my own choices with regards to my body and sexual intimacy. I want to pursue celibacy until I am joined together in holy matrimony to the man who will put a ring on my finger.

DBM: I am assuming your boyfriend is also thinking if he does not explore your sexual flanks, you both may not be able to grow naturally to develop into it. Sexual compatibility, attraction and identity are important things to figure out before marriage.

Maame Yaa: I believe that one’s character is built through waiting. Patience is developed in waiting; faithfulness can also be developed while we wait to have sex after our wedding. I want to be sure we are in love with each other without the complications of any emotional entanglement. If we are each other’s real deal, we will make do regardless.

DBM: Does he know what you like sexually?

Maame Yaa: I have told him mine.

DBM: Do you know what turns him on?

Maame Yaa: He’s spoken about a few.

DBM: So, theoretically, you’re both in the known?

Maame Yaa: Practical examination should be on our wedding night.

DBM: And what if one partner fails the final exam?

Maame Yaa: It wouldn’t be a final exam. We will re-write the paper till we pass.

DBM: Many guys are using their married lives to deal with sex issues, instead of actually enjoying the beauty in marriage. What if you’re not content with what he offers in bed?

Maame Yaa: Marriage, they say is not all about sex.

DBM: I see the quality of a relationship strongly related to sexual satisfaction.

Maame Yaa: I see the quality of a relationship strongly related to the God-factor.

DBM: When was the last time you felt desired, got aroused and ‘wet’; when last did you reach orgasm and did not feel pain?

Maame Yaa: I don’t remember. Maybe, in my past relationships.

DBM: Do you care about what your boyfriend cares about?

Maame Yaa: I do, and I try to be there for him.

DBM: He wants a blow-job, have you given him that?

Maame Yaa: I will give him a blowjob after our wedding.

DBM: Will you be okay if he gets the sex from somewhere else while dedicating all his love to you?

Maame Yaa: I will not be able to cope with infidelity.

DBM: There is no guarantee he is going to be faithful to only you after marriage.

Maame Yaa: If that happens, we will divorce.

DBM: Which is more important to you: your relationship to your faith or that relationship you are building with him?

Maame Yaa: I am holding firm to the beliefs that God has placed deeply in my heart, and I am taking a stand for them – to ensure I know exactly why God stands for them too.

DBM: That’s commendable.

Maame Yaa: Dave, please be honest with me: am I making a mistake with my stance?

DBM: We are all different; what may be important to your boyfriend may not be all that important to you. Again, it all comes down to your strong personal beliefs, your boyfriend’s physical desires and the overall nature of your relationship.

Maame Yaa: I think we have a good relationship.

DBM: That’s good to know. So basically, it’s because you are unmarried, and the fact that, you want to abstain from sex before marriage, no?

Maame Yaa: Yes.

DBM: You are not living with an underlying medical condition, are you?

Maame Yaa: No, I am not.

DBM: And, you do not have a low sex drive, do you?

Maame Yaa: I love sex.

DBM: Good, good… good! You love and value your boyfriend?

Maame Yaa: I do.

DBM: Then know that, him requesting for sex with you could have been an opportunity for him to bond with you on another level; It could have been another opportunity for him to express his love and affection towards you; he probably might have felt more secure in the relationship if you both had been engaging in sex often. It could have also been an opportunity for you both to appreciate the pleasure and fun in the relationship.

Maame Yaa: Do you suggest I give in?

DBM: I am suggesting you marry a man who sees, appreciates and values your self-worth. Do not go to different lengths just for your boyfriend to achieve his sexual goals. That said, make the most out of your love life while sticking to the opinion you have of yourself. I think you’re a wonderful young woman.

Maame Yaa: Thank you, Mr. Dave. I am a fan of your Facebook platform.

DBM: Appreciated!

Image Credit: Fillipe Gomes

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